Will I be wasting money?

[Browndilocks]

Yea we just had this talk last night after i posted this...he asked me where did i think this relationship was going out of the blue!!! and I couldnt answer....I vowed to myself I wouldnt speak the word marriage again...he said he wants to get married ...then i tolds him about the post and he said all I am asking for you to contribute to some of the bills. he said " you shop first then you may think about paying a bill...i dont like working a zillion hours a week to support us when i know you can contribute....i dont want you to move out just help out"erplexed <<<that makes me feel like a burden

but yea i didnt have a plan ...just get married and live happily ever after.... guess that wasnt realistic

Don't fall for that. Don't take the bait. He's just comfortable with you being there and you moving out is going to interrupt his flow, which is something men do not like. He's strategically telling you what you want to hear while still managing to put his own twists on it. Kinda reminds me of the guy who says "I want to marry you but I'm just not ready for a relationship right now". Doesn't want to give you what you want but doesn't want to give up his conveniences.

 

[hopeful]

Yea we just had this talk last night after i posted this...he asked me where did i think this relationship was going out of the blue!!! and I couldnt answer....I vowed to myself I wouldnt speak the word marriage again...he said he wants to get married ...then i tolds him about the post and he said all I am asking for you to contribute to some of the bills. he said " you shop first then you may think about paying a bill...i dont like working a zillion hours a week to support us when i know you can contribute....i dont want you to move out just help out"erplexed <<<that makes me feel like a burden

but yea i didnt have a plan ...just get married and live happily ever after.... guess that wasnt realistic

Well, what do YOU want to do? Do you want to stay and "help out" or do you want to get your own place? Lets stop thinking about him and what he wants. I think you really need to think long and hard about what you want. Are you tired of living with him without being married? When/if he goes to med school do you want to feel obligated to support him? If so would you do that for someone you aren't married to? Or to support him through med school do you feel you must be married? When does he want to get married? When is he going to med school? And you guys really need to get this straight: does he just want you to help out or does he want you to hold things down financially for years, which is it? And again, what do you want to do? You are still so young, just 22 right? Do you want to go back to school? Pretty young lady like you with supportive parents, you can do just about anything you want, take control of your life.

 

[tiara76]

Yea we just had this talk last night after i posted this...he asked me where did i think this relationship was going out of the blue!!! and I couldnt answer....I vowed to myself I wouldnt speak the word marriage again...he said he wants to get married ...then i tolds him about the post and he said all I am asking for you to contribute to some of the bills. he said " you shop first then you may think about paying a bill...i dont like working a zillion hours a week to support us when i know you can contribute....i dont want you to move out just help out"erplexed <<<that makes me feel like a burden

but yea i didnt have a plan ...just get married and live happily ever after.... guess that wasnt realistic

have ya'll ever discussed these issues before last nite...??

now it would be one thing if he insisted he work and pay all the bills and told you not too and then was complaining that you don't contribute.....do you ever offer to pay and he says no you don't have to?......do u buy things for him when u shop? and if you do are they things he truly likes and uses or just things u think are cool for him?
do u get groceries, pay when u go out sometimes or anything with ur money that involves doing something for him....?

could be he feels a little underappreciated that he does all of these things and if he's not the type of guy to ASK you to do anything to put forth to the well being of both of you guys he probably won't... but would like to know that his woman is concerned about it as well and not just taking what he is doing for granted because thats all too common on women's part....

he knows that he's not gonna be able to work a gazillion hrs and go to med school and IF he is gonna have a woman in his life trying to take care of both of ya'll then it might get to be a bit much if the woman doesn't feel she needs to or can't "help" out when its both of them in it together

med school aint no joke and focusing on that and trying to be the breadwinner of a couple household where he pays for everything for both of ya'll is probably not what he wants to do regardless if he's the man or not...

it doesn't seem like he's implying that you be able to take care of him while he's in med school, he saying that he would like to know that if things get a lil tough that you can help keep a handle on things so both of ya'll are taken care of.....and he's not gonna need any extra stress on top of the stress he most likely will endure going thru that process

 

[ManeVixen]

Well, what do YOU want to do? Do you want to stay and "help out" or do you want to get your own place? Lets stop thinking about him and what he wants. I think you really need to think long and hard about what you want. Are you tired of living with him without being married? When/if he goes to med school do you want to feel obligated to support him? If so would you do that for someone you aren't married to? Or to support him through med school do you feel you must be married? When does he want to get married? When is he going to med school? And you guys really need to get this straight: does he just want you to help out or does he want you to hold things down financially for years, which is it? And again, what do you want to do? You are still so young, just 22 right? Do you want to go back to school? Pretty young lady like you with supportive parents, you can do just about anything you want, take control of your life.

Thats what im not sure about do I want to move out ..my move date is set for 2 weeks from now and now im having second thought.... I am a full time student as well....I travel whenever I want I travel more now that I want to open a boutique...I have no responsibility however thats all going to end if I move...and aside from him I do feel like I need to be more independent..im thinking I should just move

have ya'll ever discussed these issues before last nite...??
he ask me to contibute all the time...i just say i dont make enough

now it would be one thing if he insisted he work and pay all the bills and told you not too and then was complaining that you don't contribute.....do you ever offer to pay and he says no you don't have to?......do u buy things for him when u shop? and if you do are they things he truly likes and uses or just things u think are cool for him?
do u get groceries, pay when u go out sometimes or anything with ur money that involves doing something for him....?

could be he feels a little underappreciated that he does all of these things and if he's not the type of guy to ASK you to do anything to put forth to the well being of both of you guys he probably won't... but would like to know that his woman is concerned about it as well and not just taking what he is doing for granted because thats all too common on women's part....

he knows that he's not gonna be able to work a gazillion hrs and go to med school and IF he is gonna have a woman in his life trying to take care of both of ya'll then it might get to be a bit much if the woman doesn't feel she needs to or can't "help" out when its both of them in it together

med school aint no joke and focusing on that and trying to be the breadwinner of a couple household where he pays for everything for both of ya'll is probably not what he wants to do regardless if he's the man or not...

it doesn't seem like he's implying that you be able to take care of him while he's in med school, he saying that he would like to know that if things get a lil tough that you can help keep a handle on things so both of ya'll are taken care of.....and he's not gonna need any extra stress on top of the stress he most likely will endure going thru that process

thats exactly what he is saying!!!!!!!!!!

 

[tiara76]

Thats what im not sure about do I want to move out ..my move date is set for 2 weeks from now and now im having second thought.... I am a full time student as well....I travel whenever I want I travel more now that I want to open a boutique...I have no responsibility however thats all going to end if I move...and aside from him I do feel like I need to be more independent..im thinking I should just move






thats exactly what he is saying!!!!!!!!!!

so you don't have enough to help out around the house, but you have enough to travel whenever u want to and shop and do things for yourself, but you don't have enough to do anything that is for you "both"

seems like you may need to move out because one

it does seem like you are taking him for granted

and two

if you are only concerned about yourself and what you want to do then you don't need to be in relationship with another person

What if he decided he just wanted to travel where he wanted to go instead of make the choice to be responsible for not just him but you too...making sure a roof stays over your head as well, food is on the table for both of you to eat, the lights stay on so both of ya'll can see....and its not like he's picking money off the tree to make all this happen, he's workin extra hard it seems like, and you just take YOUR money and take trips and shop....

you have the opportunity to be responsible for things, you seem like you don't want to be

maybe moving out would be a good idea for you

 

[Bunny77]

but yea i didnt have a plan ...just get married and live happily ever after.... guess that wasnt realistic

Girl, don't even feel bad... I surely didn't have a plan in my past relationships. Sadly, no one really ever taught me about "planning" -- I think the assumption just was that if you're in a relationship and things are going well, you'll just get married.

At least that's how it was for past generations. Today there are so many options that you can't assume anything... you can be living with a dude for 7 years and have umpteen babies by him and he'll say he doesn't want to get married... yet the very minute that you leave, he marries some new chica in five months!

Any future daughters that I have will definitely be taught about the importance of planning the path of their relationships. The big lesson here for all of us is that we have a measure of control over the way they turn out and we have to make sure we exercise it!


Okay, final question... to some degree, I can understand your SO's concern, but I guess I'm wondering why he agreed to the arrangement in the first place of you not paying any bills or anything like that. I'm not saying either of you are wrong or right, but if he was "supporting" you for this long, how much ground does he have to now get angry at the situation? (I'd say the same if a woman was doing umpteen things for a dude and then the woman got angry that dude didn't help out. It's all about the standards we set early in the relationship.)

 

[tiara76]

Girl, don't even feel bad... I surely didn't have a plan in my past relationships. Sadly, no one really ever taught me about "planning" -- I think the assumption just was that if you're in a relationship and things are going well, you'll just get married.

At least that's how it was for past generations. Today there are so many options that you can't assume anything... you can be living with a dude for 7 years and have umpteen babies by him and he'll say he doesn't want to get married... yet the very minute that you leave, he marries some new chica in five months!

Any future daughters that I have will definitely be taught about the importance of planning the path of their relationships. The big lesson here for all of us is that we have a measure of control over the way they turn out and we have to make sure we exercise it!


Okay, final question... to some degree, I can understand your SO's concern, but I guess I'm wondering why he agreed to the arrangement in the first place of you not paying any bills or anything like that. I'm not saying either of you are wrong or right, but if he was "supporting" you for this long, how much ground does he have to now get angry at the situation? (I'd say the same if a woman was doing umpteen things for a dude and then the woman got angry that dude didn't help out. It's all about the standards we set early in the relationship.)

maybe he loves her

thats what the women say when they do things for men...

I don't get the impression he's angry just maybe just like women get to a point where they they feel they aren't in it "together" that they just have to make a stand for themselves and decide whats best for them if the other person that they tried and attempted with just isn't wanting to do and its not like they want u out of their lives like that but it comes a choice people make about

NOT what was working in the past

but what won't work in the future

we all change and grow and what was cool at some point just isn't at another point when we know we are going a certain direction in life

 

[scorpio70]

Okay, final question... to some degree, I can understand your SO's concern, but I guess I'm wondering why he agreed to the arrangement in the first place of you not paying any bills or anything like that. I'm not saying either of you are wrong or right, but if he was "supporting" you for this long, how much ground does he have to now get angry at the situation? (I'd say the same if a woman was doing umpteen things for a dude and then the woman got angry that dude didn't help out. It's all about the standards we set early in the relationship.)

It sounds like the OP has been CHILLIN and not being real strategic. While I am all for a woman setting expectations for the man to live up to. It kinda sounds like our girl has been taking advantage of the situation a little bit.

If the situation was reversed, woman taking care of the man and the man was lapping it up like a starving baby, we'd get on him for taking advantage AND get on her (the giver) for putting herself in that position.

Sooo...I say all of that to say. The OP needs to start sneaking those new shoes and purses into the closet. It's just selfish to be flaunting your new goodies when he just finished paying the cable bill. LOL

And yeah...the guy sounds like he just realized that he's getting the short end of the stick.

Question for the OP - Do you contribute in other ways to the homefront? Cook everyday? Clean? While I don't believe in tit-for-tat, I do think a sign of maturity is actually wanting to contribute in an equal way...without being asked to do so.


...not saying that you are immature. from the postings it just sounds like you guys are on the younger side. so, don't stone me.

 

[Bunny77]

maybe he loves her

thats what the women say when they do things for men...

I don't get the impression he's angry just maybe just like women get to a point where they they feel they aren't in it "together" that they just have to make a stand for themselves and decide whats best for them if the other person that they tried and attempted with just isn't wanting to do and its not like they want u out of their lives like that but it comes a choice people make about

NOT what was working in the past

but what won't work in the future

we all change and grow and what was cool at some point just isn't at another point when we know we are going a certain direction in life

It sounds like the OP has been CHILLIN and not being real strategic. While I am all for a woman setting expectations for the man to live up to. It kinda sounds like our girl has been taking advantage of the situation a little bit.

If the situation was reversed, woman taking care of the man and the man was lapping it up like a starving baby, we'd get on him for taking advantage AND get on her (the giver) for putting herself in that position.

Sooo...I say all of that to say. The OP needs to start sneaking those new shoes and purses into the closet. It's just selfish to be flaunting your new goodies when he just finished paying the cable bill. LOL

And yeah...the guy sounds like he just realized that he's getting the short end of the stick.

Question for the OP - Do you contribute in other ways to the homefront? Cook everyday? Clean? While I don't believe in tit-for-tat, I do think a sign of maturity is actually wanting to contribute in an equal way...without being asked to do so.


...not saying that you are immature. from the postings it just sounds like you guys are on the younger side. so, don't stone me.

You know, all of the elements of this are just complicated!

Cause see, I don't have a problem with a dude handling everything... IF he's a husband. So in this situation, I can see the guy's point. But then, them being unmarried complicates things to a degree because if he says (possibly rightfully) that he's looking for her to pick up more slack while he's in med school, then the OP might be advised not to do that for a man who's not her husband. But then she enjoyed years of a bill-free lifestyle as well... but he was okay with that for a bit, even if it wasn't necessarily the best idea.

So... yes, I think to remove some of this complication about roles and who should and shouldn't do what, OP should move out. When finances are being co-mingled among unmarried couples that haven't discussed expectations, then this is what happens.

Let's see how this all progresses when ManeVixen gets her own place. It might be the best thing for both of them, even if the SO doesn't think so right now!

 

[ManeVixen]

Girl, don't even feel bad... I surely didn't have a plan in my past relationships. Sadly, no one really ever taught me about "planning" -- I think the assumption just was that if you're in a relationship and things are going well, you'll just get married.

At least that's how it was for past generations. Today there are so many options that you can't assume anything... you can be living with a dude for 7 years and have umpteen babies by him and he'll say he doesn't want to get married... yet the very minute that you leave, he marries some new chica in five months!

Any future daughters that I have will definitely be taught about the importance of planning the path of their relationships. The big lesson here for all of us is that we have a measure of control over the way they turn out and we have to make sure we exercise it!


Okay, final question... to some degree, I can understand your SO's concern, but I guess I'm wondering why he agreed to the arrangement in the first place of you not paying any bills or anything like that. I'm not saying either of you are wrong or right, but if he was "supporting" you for this long, how much ground does he have to now get angry at the situation? (I'd say the same if a woman was doing umpteen things for a dude and then the woman got angry that dude didn't help out. It's all about the standards we set early in the relationship.)

I dont know he use to say due to our age gap..im 5 yrs younger he didnt expect me to be as responsible as he is... now i think he is like ok its 4 yrs later @least work on becoming responsible.......I think im going to move tho...

 

[ManeVixen]

It sounds like the OP has been CHILLIN and not being real strategic. While I am all for a woman setting expectations for the man to live up to. It kinda sounds like our girl has been taking advantage of the situation a little bit.

If the situation was reversed, woman taking care of the man and the man was lapping it up like a starving baby, we'd get on him for taking advantage AND get on her (the giver) for putting herself in that position.

Sooo...I say all of that to say. The OP needs to start sneaking those new shoes and purses into the closet. It's just selfish to be flaunting your new goodies when he just finished paying the cable bill. LOL

And yeah...the guy sounds like he just realized that he's getting the short end of the stick.

Question for the OP - Do you contribute in other ways to the homefront? Cook everyday? Clean? While I don't believe in tit-for-tat, I do think a sign of maturity is actually wanting to contribute in an equal way...without being asked to do so.



...not saying that you are immature. from the postings it just sounds like you guys are on the younger side. so, don't stone me.

oh yea i do clean...not much of a cooker but i do try but this all boils down to monthly bills

 

[Bunny77]

I dont know he use to say due to our age gap..im 5 yrs younger he didnt expect me to be as responsible as he is... now i think he is like ok its 4 yrs later @least work on becoming responsible.......I think im going to move tho...

A lot of the married women on the board are in their mid-late 20s and they married men 5-7 years older. So they were about 23-24 marrying men in their late 20s-early 30s. Those men obviously felt comfortable with the maturity level of their wives.

So... that's not an excuse!

(Plus, we women are more mature anyway, lol... so he probably wasn't giving you enough credit, tee hee!)

 

[tiara76]

I dont know he use to say due to our age gap..im 5 yrs younger he didnt expect me to be as responsible as he is... now i think he is like ok its 4 yrs later @least work on becoming responsible.......I think im going to move tho...

that makes sense.....if he's serious about getting married and is looking for a wife he knows can step up to the plate if need be, you may not fit the bill....

he's been giving ur room and opportunities to grow and I highly doubt he is was doing things and waiting on you to get "responsible" simply so you can "take over" and take care of him and he live off of you, but a strong woman by a man's side is a good look...like the old couple been married 84 years...he wanted to be the man and take care of everything but his wife knew the help was needed and went out and got a job because it was for the overall well being of them together and their family as a whole...she didn't just be like...o u are weak u can't handle it..or damn i gotta take care of everything, or getting mad cuz u supposed to be able to do it all...she's being a woman who loves and respects and appreciates the things her husband is doing not for his own sake but for his family sake....

I dont think its about him not wanting to marry you or using you...but wanting to be with you and wanting you to grow, but seeing that you are not he knows that it may not be a good look to go even further into things...he could of easily just wrote u off back then if u weren't up to "par".....

alot of us are good for not giving people chances in life or we think we wasted time if we do and they don't "change" or become who we "expect" them to become and we get mad...

its all a part of experiencing and growing...

the people who do take chances on us...when we take that for granted or don't appreciate it, after awhile that person knows they aren't in a situation that is serving them well they have to make the decision thats best for them if the other person isn't on the same page as them and move on so its a situation that helps both of you out to realize things about yourselves and what u want and dont want out of life

you moving out can easily be a good thing for both of ya'll in the long run whether u end up together or not you will both get something out of it pertinent to your own growth and your journey in life

 

[Farida]

People grow a lot in relationships.

Perhaps when he started out he didn't mind doing all these things for you, then he was afraid to say anything, and now it has really hit home.

I just do think this is complicated on soo many levels because you've been shackin' for so long. I have so many suggestions but all of them will make your relationship more complicated because you aren't married.

When does he plan on going to med school? Is it any time soon or is it one of those "one day I will be in med school?"

Also, did you start living with him straight after you left home?

And when you moved in together did you discuss who would pay what or did he just start paying for stuff and you just let him?

 

[MissYocairis]

So in 4 years he doesn't feel you that you have proven that you are responsible?

So the only reason you are moving out is to prove that you are marriage material by being able to take care of self?

I just feel like this is an excuse, once you have proven yourself then what?

You two need to talk about this.

Yeah. I'm not feeling that whole entire proposition. He's already been GIFTED by your presence for 4 years IN HOUSE....that's a LOT. I don't get why you have to do a final tap dance show and audition in order for him to marry you.

And, he should have suggested something else like...let's reevaluate our finances so that we can get ready for my going to med school. You pay this, this and this, and we'll bank my salary and that way, we'll know it can be done and we'll have no worries.

 

[discobiscuits]

he said " you shop first then you may think about paying a bill...i dont like working a zillion hours a week to support us when i know you can contribute....i dont want you to move out just help out"

And there it is. I still advocate that you move out on your own.

However, he has made it clear that he has observed your habits and patterns and he does not like them. You have admitted that you are dependent upon (not to be confused with depending on) others (parents/SO) for your living expenses (food/shelter/utilities). If he wants you to help I understand now and I would too in his situation.

He is obviously telling you in no uncertain terms that he needs and wants you to help financially now and even more so when he goes to medical school. Evidently, he will not be able to continue to work "a zillion" hours when he has to study "a zillion" hours for medical school and he needs to know, not hope, that you can hold it down since he won't be able to.

Now this makes sense.


ETA: i advocate what another poster said. Do a budget and adhere to it religiously. STOP all unnecessary spending and build an emergency fund for a rainy day. You should be doing this whether you live on your own or not.


but yea i didnt have a plan ...just get married and live happily ever after.... guess that wasnt realistic


No, it wasn't.

 

[ManeVixen]

People grow a lot in relationships.

Perhaps when he started out he didn't mind doing all these things for you, then he was afraid to say anything, and now it has really hit home.

I just do think this is complicated on soo many levels because you've been shackin' for so long. I have so many suggestions but all of them will make your relationship more complicated because you aren't married.

When does he plan on going to med school? Is it any time soon or is it one of those "one day I will be in med school?"

Also, did you start living with him straight after you left home?

And when you moved in together did you discuss who would pay what or did he just start paying for stuff and you just let him ?

He should be in med school in the next two years...I did move in with him st8 from my parents home and he has always paid for everything we never established who would pay what

 

[Bunny77]

He should be in med school in the next two years...I did move in with him st8 from my parents home and he has always paid for everything we never established who would pay what

Whoa Nelly!

That was a good question Vivmaiko!

Okay, so dude won't even be starting med school until 2010 or 2011?

And when is he wanting you to start paying some bills? Now, or in 2010-2011 when you still might not be married?

I don't like this "proving stuff" either. He does have every right to change his mind about supporting a girlfriend, but I guess I'm thinking that if he's saying that he's so much older and so much more mature, HE should have known better than to take in a younger woman straight from mama's house and pay for everything because he thinks she's isn't old enough to be responsible, but then later on have second thoughts.

If ManeVixen didn't know better because she was young, shouldn't he have known better about this situation because he's so much more "mature?"

 

[MissYocairis]

Whoa Nelly!

That was a good question Vivmaiko!

Okay, so dude won't even be starting med school until 2010 or 2011?

And when is he wanting you to start paying some bills? Now, or in 2010-2011 when you still might not be married?

I don't like this "proving stuff" either. He does have every right to change his mind about supporting a girlfriend, but I guess I'm thinking that if he's saying that he's so much older and so much more mature, HE should have known better than to take in a younger woman straight from mama's house and pay for everything because he thinks she's isn't old enough to be responsible, but then later on have second thoughts.

If ManeVixen didn't know better because she was young, shouldn't he have known better about this situation because he's so much more "mature?"

Right! I dunno MV....and ladies....I gotta admit....it's the living with him for FOUR years that has me worried. And, him too apparently. I see MV, that you say he doesn't want you to move and just wants you to help out with the bills instead...ok, that's fine...but see, now, we still have the problem of the fact that you are in a live in relationship for 4 years and still aren't engaged and don't have a date.

I mean, is he going to wait until right before he begins med school for the wedding? I highly doubt he'll be comfortable with marrying during med school. Will you have to wait until he begins his residency? And, over the next two years, he'll be studying for the GMAT and getting his application together. It's a big step...med school is. And, getting in is a big exercise in and of itself.

So, I guess, I just wonder why not simply say..."Baby...let's get married. And, we'll set a date for next summer. And, in the meantime, we've gotta talk finances. I need you to begin to contribute to the household. We have to buckle down for this med school thing." I feel sad about this that his desire to marry you is conditional after all this time. Are you THE ONE or not? (asking him)

Of course he's gonna miss you if you moved! That's why he doesn't want you to move out! BUT...you have no guarantee about your future because he's placed conditions on it...on top of dragging his feet for four years already. He doesn't want you to go because he BENEFITS from your presence. I dunno....I couldn't stay unless he and I went ahead and got engaged with a date set. Otherwise, I'd get out on my own. Discover MYSELF and LIFE. Decide what I wanna do with my own future. What my goals are. And, learn to hold my own. Then, the next time he and I would be living together would be following the honeymoon - all or nothing.

 

[SunySydeofLyfe]

I wouldnt go nowhere....sorry...I wouldnt...I am sick of this INDEPENDENT woman movement....He is a man and he should take care of you thats what our granddaddys did and maudear stayed home....so what clear women do it all day why arent you privy to the same treatment. Can he contribute to the miles he is putting on the pearl....tell him to go sit down somewhere and figure out how to save more to support his Queen...

Buy the groceries.....if he lived alone he would have to pay all the bills but he has in house...if his issue is that he doesnt want to get married and you know this move out but for that reason only....its just my way of thinking.....

 

[MissYocairis]

I wouldnt go nowhere....sorry...I wouldnt...I am sick of this INDEPENDENT woman movement....He is a man and he should take care of you thats what our granddaddys did and maudear stayed home....so what clear women do it all day why arent you privy to the same treatment. Can he contribute to the miles he is putting on the pearl....tell him to go sit down somewhere and figure out how to save more to support his Queen...

Buy the groceries.....if he lived alone he would have to pay all the bills but he has in house...if his issue is that he doesnt want to get married and you know this move out but for that reason only....its just my way of thinking.....

If she wants to get married, this plan is not going to work.

OT: I will be using this line.
"Can he contribute to the miles he is putting on the pearl"

 

[discobiscuits]

I wouldnt go nowhere....sorry...I wouldnt...I am sick of this INDEPENDENT woman movement....He is a man and he should take care of you thats what our granddaddys did and maudear stayed home....so what clear women do it all day why arent you privy to the same treatment. Can he contribute to the miles he is putting on the pearl....tell him to go sit down somewhere and figure out how to save more to support his Queen...

Buy the groceries.....if he lived alone he would have to pay all the bills but he has in house...if his issue is that he doesnt want to get married and you know this move out but for that reason only....its just my way of thinking.....

he's going to med school so he won't be bringing in income and wants to know that she will since he can't.

 

[Bunny77]

I wouldnt go nowhere....sorry...I wouldnt...I am sick of this INDEPENDENT woman movement....He is a man and he should take care of you thats what our granddaddys did and maudear stayed home....so what clear women do it all day why arent you privy to the same treatment. Can he contribute to the miles he is putting on the pearl....tell him to go sit down somewhere and figure out how to save more to support his Queen...

Buy the groceries.....if he lived alone he would have to pay all the bills but he has in house...if his issue is that he doesnt want to get married and you know this move out but for that reason only....its just my way of thinking.....

I'm with ya on the first part, but that only works if the man is your husband... I mean, a man can do that for his girlfriend if he wants, but the status isn't the same.

Second part though... again, that works if she's a wife. Not a girlfriend... and he knows that.

 

[TrendySocialite]

In Steve Harvey's book he says that every man has a plan for you...

It appears that at this point in the relationship your man's plan is NOT to marry you (sorry if that seems harsh).

I agree with the other posters regarding being able to stand on your own two legs and support yourself. It's about more than financial responsibility, it's about priorities and taking care of family and business. Maybe he thinks that faced with the decision of paying rent and buying a new flat iron, he's not sure what you will do. And for any man worth his two cents, that is a scary prospect.

He wants to see that you're a team player and not sitting around assuming the lights will come on because someone else paid the bill.

I will say though that the conditions he's speaking are not that cool. Unless he is trying to tell you in a nice way, "I love you and want to be with you, but you gotta pull your weight." I don't necessarily think what he's asking for (showing you can be fiscally and relationally responsible) is a bad thing, I'm just not too cool with the way he's putting it.

So yes, your move may have been drastic, but it also seems somewhat necessary. Not because you need to prove anything to him, but you do need to say if you want that kind of support, you need to put a ring on it. After 4 years, it's not that unreasonable a request....

HTH!!!!

 

[LisaLisa1908]

If you don't have the relative security of a marriage, being dependent on someone else for your livelihood is not only dangerous, but ill-advised. Good luck.

 

[hopeful]

If you don't have the relative security of a marriage, being dependent on someone else for your livelihood is not only dangerous, but ill-advised. Good luck.

And that's all she wrote.

OP, I just want to wish you the best. You are at one of those turning points that we all get to at one point or another. They are always difficult. But I have faith in you. Dig deep an do what's best for you. It's best you become stronger and more independent now. I know people (usually only children) who were coddled by doting, overprotective parents and then when they hit 40, 50, even 60, they still can't pay their bills on time or make necessary sacrafices. Force yourself now to be strong. You can do it.

 

[Murjani]

I wouldnt go nowhere....sorry...I wouldnt...I am sick of this INDEPENDENT woman movement....He is a man and he should take care of you thats what our granddaddys did and maudear stayed home....so what clear women do it all day why arent you privy to the same treatment. Can he contribute to the miles he is putting on the pearl....tell him to go sit down somewhere and figure out how to save more to support his Queen...

Buy the groceries.....if he lived alone he would have to pay all the bills but he has in house...if his issue is that he doesnt want to get married and you know this move out but for that reason only....its just my way of thinking.....

 

[naijamerican]

As the story unfolds, I am starting to see where your SO is coming from. While I do not necessarily believe that he wants to break up with you, I will be perfectly honest and state that I believe that he's being wise and frank with himself about the direction your relationship needs to take, and you would do well to imitate him in this manner. If you two are talking about marriage, it's only right to count the cost. You are a lovely young woman but I'm going to give it to you straight: if you were a man, I would be counting the cost, too, and would perceive some concerning deficits on your part that would cause me to hesitate in considering marriage. This is not because you're a bad person - not by any stretch of the imagination! However, it was living alone for two years that demonstrated to me how much money management is truly not a joke. It is not to be taken lightly that you shop before you pay a bill or that you yourself notice an alarming dependency on him and your parents. The fortunate thing in this situation is that you have the self-awareness to recognize it, and for that you are to be heartily commended.

Simply put, you need to move out. This is not about saving money anymore. This is about you learning how to be a good steward of your own life, to take ownership of your responsibilities and to discern the difference between needs and wants. In an earlier post, you mentioned that you travel or like to travel or can travel, something to that effect - and in the next sentence you said that you're a full time student. Why is a full time student traveling? Girl, hit them books!

Finally, I would be remiss if I didn't explain further as to why I stand in agreement with your SO. I know that my opinion will not be popular, but I see no problem with him stating conditions for you to get married. I am currently in graduate school and I can tell you that the pursuit of higher education is absolutely, positively, no joke. Some of my closest friends are in medical school and again, medical school is absolutely no joke. Some people took issue with the fact that he's talking about your financial responsibility, yet wants to enter medical in one to two years time. ManeVixen, he is right to start thinking about this now. It can take about a year and a half to get all that stuff together - studying and taking the MCAT, lining up letters of recommendation, figuring out what school you want to go to... it is a very time consuming and EXPENSIVE process. I know someone who applied to medical school for three years in a row and didn't get in. Again, he is right to think about this now - he could apply and not even get into any medical school, and then what?

What I am seeing is that your SO has taken care of you but now reality is striking. If I had a man that took care of everything financially and we had a good relationship, I would want to get married, too. But you both have been living in a dream world and it's high time to wake up. Part of that will be moving out and gaining your own independence, and the other part will be doing as the women in this thread have suggested and have a serious talk about your relationship and the expectations for it. Stick to the 2 week move-out date that you set up. As Hopeful said, this is a turning point situation, but this experience goes far beyond the implications of your relationship. It has everything to do with your personal growth, which will directly shape your relationship. I truly wish you luck in whatever you decide to do.

 

[Farida]

As the story unfolds, I am starting to see where your SO is coming from. While I do not necessarily believe that he wants to break up with you, I will be perfectly honest and state that I believe that he's being wise and frank with himself about the direction your relationship needs to take, and you would do well to imitate him in this manner. If you two are talking about marriage, it's only right to count the cost. You are a lovely young woman but I'm going to give it to you straight: if you were a man, I would be counting the cost, too, and would perceive some concerning deficits on your part that would cause me to hesitate in considering marriage. This is not because you're a bad person - not by any stretch of the imagination! However, it was living alone for two years that demonstrated to me how much money management is truly not a joke. It is not to be taken lightly that you shop before you pay a bill or that you yourself notice an alarming dependency on him and your parents. The fortunate thing in this situation is that you have the self-awareness to recognize it, and for that you are to be heartily commended.

Simply put, you need to move out. This is not about saving money anymore. This is about you learning how to be a good steward of your own life, to take ownership of your responsibilities and to discern the difference between needs and wants. In an earlier post, you mentioned that you travel or like to travel or can travel, something to that effect - and in the next sentence you said that you're a full time student. Why is a full time student traveling? Girl, hit them books!

Finally, I would be remiss if I didn't explain further as to why I stand in agreement with your SO. I know that my opinion will not be popular, but I see no problem with him stating conditions for you to get married. I am currently in graduate school and I can tell you that the pursuit of higher education is absolutely, positively, no joke. Some of my closest friends are in medical school and again, medical school is absolutely no joke. Some people took issue with the fact that he's talking about your financial responsibility, yet wants to enter medical in one to two years time. ManeVixen, he is right to start thinking about this now. It can take about a year and a half to get all that stuff together - studying and taking the MCAT, lining up letters of recommendation, figuring out what school you want to go to... it is a very time consuming and EXPENSIVE process. I know someone who applied to medical school for three years in a row and didn't get in. Again, he is right to think about this now - he could apply and not even get into any medical school, and then what?

What I am seeing is that your SO has taken care of you but now reality is striking. If I had a man that took care of everything financially and we had a good relationship, I would want to get married, too. But you both have been living in a dream world and it's high time to wake up. Part of that will be moving out and gaining your own independence, and the other part will be doing as the women in this thread have suggested and have a serious talk about your relationship and the expectations for it. Stick to the 2 week move-out date that you set up. As Hopeful said, this is a turning point situation, but this experience goes far beyond the implications of your relationship. It has everything to do with your personal growth, which will directly shape your relationship. I truly wish you luck in whatever you decide to do.

I couldn't thank you enough!

 

[naijamerican]

I couldn't thank you enough!

No, thank you. I learned a lot from your posts and I think we are viewing the situation similarly.

Again, good luck ManeV!