Should you be asking for money and gifts?

[SelahOco]

In the immortal words of Trina

No panties comin' off
My love is gonna cost
Cuz ain't no way that you gone get up in this for free
~~~~~~~~
You should absolutely be compensated for access to your vagina. What kind of fool sits on a gold mine and gives the bricks away for free?

I don't know how dudes have remixed the game to where women actually believe the playing field is level when it comes to sex, but this nonsense needs to stop.

From the hood dude to the boardroom dude, they will all do as much or as little as you require them to. So aim high and negotiate a happy medium if necessary.

And as far as being called a <insert derogatory name> well, I'll be dat. But what I won't be is walking away with a wet a-- and a dry pocketbook.

I was emotionally resisting you until that last line.

Nothing like the blunt, crass truth to blow thru all the BS!

 

[SelahOco]

Im married now but I have asked guys ive dated for money. I never felt like a prostitute either..

renewmetoo

How long were you dating? And how do you ask?

You just be on a date and pull out a remittance envelop like 'you gone pay this? Or nah.'

 

[nlamr2013]

nobody said you shouldnt get anything

in fact everyone said the opposite.

you shouldnt have to ASK to be given things. unless your gold mine aint really all that gold...

In all honesty dude shouldn't even know what the mine looks like without 'paying' what your mind deems enough. The 'price' is different for everyone

Now that I'm thinking about it I've never asked anyone for money except my ma. I usually let people know what I need and if they give me money they do if they don't I go to my mom lol

 

[moneychaser]

I couple years ago, this older man came in the nail salon with his SO - they were in their 50s.

He came in with her to help her pick what she wanted and he was looking at the prices saying 'don't you want this foot wrap, you'll like that...give her this too. You want French tip, that looks good on you. Get that.'

And get really seemed to enjoy that dance and he was making it clear to her not to worry about money at.all!

He paid and then sat in the car and waited on her. It was really cute.

I could tell that she can just hint that she wanted something and he was pulling out his billfold.

They didn't seem married, but they may have been.

This is what I think the OP is looking for advice on. How to hint, ahem, subtly hit those pockets

 

[SelahOco]

you know,

kind of a tangent, but im just thinking a little more specifically about how you get things if you dont ask for them. and in my experience its literally just mentioning it, and he offers.

for example last night, boy wanted to come over. it was 90 damn degrees. i told him we'd be too hot, and i needed to buy another fan but didnt really feel like getting up. ill stop and pick one up on the way, he says.

a couple of weeks ago my car got towed, and those fees were so not in my budget. i called him to give me a ride to pick it up, explaining what happened. "how much you need?" he says. (i didnt take that money but he knew to offer.)

if i mention im hungry he (any he) should know to bring food without asking.

was once lying in bed with my ex and my sister texted me some sob story about waiting til payday but needing to buy some sneakers for my niece for cheerleading. i explained to him and hes like, "i'll get it." pulled up his amazon and bought them right then.

i mean... theyre just supposed to offer... right? isnt that how it goes? you give them the opportunity in your presence and they just offer. doesnt everybody else have similar experiences?

ive only been in one serious relationship with a man whose ears fell deaf to my "opportunities" that was enough... i dont think ill ever do that again.

This is interesting to me because I never did this. I only dated one person semi-seriously before I got married and me and DH was both broke and passing pennies back and forth back then.

Now we do everything joint and never talk about money in that way.

I always wonder how old y'all are and how old these guys are. Do the young dudes like offer to 'help' instead of paying outright, because I'd wonder about their capacity to fix cars and pay for things everytime their gf asks.

I know dudes like that in the hood and they were drug dealers. But regular young dudes...I wonder how they manage.

Maybe women aren't asking or hinting as much as I'm imagining.

 

[CaraWalker]

This is interesting to me because I never did this. I only dated one person semi-seriously before I got married and me and DH was both broke and passing pennies back and forth back then.

Now we do everything joint and never talk about money in that way.

I always wonder how old y'all are and how old these guys are. Do the young dudes like offer to 'help' instead of paying outright, because I'd wonder about their capacity to fix cars and pay for things everytime their gf asks.

I know dudes like that in the hood and they were drug dealers. But regular young dudes...I wonder how they manage.

Maybe women aren't asking or hinting as much as I'm imagining.

im in my 20s, and the guys i date are usually in their 20s. these are not 40 year old men whove been in their careers forever or anything.

im not sure i understand part of that quote though - paying for things as like a consolation for not knowing how to fix or do things themselves, is that what you mean?

 

[SelahOco]

This is what I think the OP is looking for advice on. How to hint, ahem, subtly hit those pockets

I wouldnt know how to do it either. I'd need a real old man like the one I mentioned who's self worth is tied to spoiling and providing.

Like the kind who get low self esteem when his woman reach into her purse and he finally has to see what her wallet looks like.

But like others have said, you should just mention and he fills the need to the degree that he's able.

 

[nlamr2013]

This is what I think the OP is looking for advice on. How to hint, ahem, subtly hit those pockets

It shouldn't be that difficult really if dud ein trying to woo you any mention of a dilemma should send him into handy Manny mode.
Needs should be met before they even arise really. Especially if you're still in the courting wooing phase.

My favorite example is I can't remember where I heard it but the woman who was telling the story said she woke up one morning freaking out because her car was gone then her so came home and she was going In on him like omg you freaked me out blah blah and he was like ooh sorry I went to check your gas tank and it was on nearing empty, then when I was on the way to fill it up some light came on oil or something so he did that put air in the tires and picked up IHOP on the way home lol
I thought it was so cute and she was so taken aback but honestly why shouldn't this be expected?

 

[SelahOco]

im in my 20s, and the guys i date are usually in their 20s. these are not 40 year old men whove been in their careers forever or anything.

im not sure i understand part of that quote though - paying for things as like a consolation for not knowing how to fix or do things themselves, is that what you mean?

Oh, I meant like partial payment.

Like break work on a car is $600, so will you be like 'man this is expensive, and he says here's $600...or can he offer half and say he'd pay it all but he's gotta do XYZ else?

Eta: I'm getting so specific because I imagine men who give tie it to self worth and would be embarrassed to pay anything less than all of it if you need it. Like he come giving you $100 on a $600 bill...does that mean sex, but no head? J/k.

Seriously though, is there pressure for them do provide in a way that might be a challenge to them and if so do you feel weird about it?

 

[nlamr2013]

This is interesting to me because I never did this. I only dated one person semi-seriously before I got married and me and DH was both broke and passing pennies back and forth back then.

Now we do everything joint and never talk about money in that way.

I always wonder how old y'all are and how old these guys are. Do the young dudes like offer to 'help' instead of paying outright, because I'd wonder about their capacity to fix cars and pay for things everytime their gf asks.

I know dudes like that in the hood and they were drug dealers. But regular young dudes...I wonder how they manage.

Maybe women aren't asking or hinting as much as I'm imagining.

Personally early 20s I don't have any expenses though lol its just what's to be expected. Especially if like it's something I do mainly for his benefit. One friend her bf preferred her straightened hair she was cool with that but only went to the shop. I did not understand why she was paying 60 bucks every week to please him.

However I would not ever expect anyone but my husband to pay my bills or pay any monthly subscription services I rely on or are in my name ex my cell) I'm definitely independent in that sense. (Unless again it's something mostly for his benefit ie cable I don't use cable so I for dern sure wouldn't pay lol)

 

[CaraWalker]

Oh, I meant like partial payment.

Like break work on a car is $600, so will you be like 'man this is expensive, and he says here's $600...or can he offer half and say he'd pay it all but he's gotta do XYZ else?

Eta: I'm getting so specific because I imagine men who give tie it to self worth and would be embarrassed to pay anything less than all of it if you need it. Like he come giving you $100 on a $600 bill...does that mean sex, but no head? J/k.

Seriously though, is there pressure for them do provide in a way that might be a challenge to them and if so do you feel weird about it?

oh ok, i see what you mean, but it honestly doesnt come across to me as a need to provide to prove their worth.

like i said, im in my 20s. so really i only started "seriously" dating a few years ago when i was finally done with school. since then ive been more likely to be in long term relationships, not even by choice, i think just because we're all getting older. so im judging my opinions based on those handfuls of experiences.

my first bf, i didnt know it at the time but money issues were a huge problem with us. i had my first real job and i was really just throwing all that money away. it wasnt until after we broke up that i started to think he resented me spending all my money and not thinking of how to contribute, or that he didnt want to pay for everything. the thing i always remember is that when we would go out he really didnt always want to be paying for my meals. after giving it some thought after that relationship ended, i really didnt like that attitude.

the next guy i dated paid for everything, and i decided i preferred that. he basically didnt have to worry about money at all, so it wasnt that he was paying to win me over, or because he thought i deserved not to pay. he paid because he had the money. it didnt make sense for me to always buy things when he had so much more access to money than i did. i have never really viewed that in the sense of being tied to his self worth. like he wouldnt feel like less of a man if i paid sometimes and it wouldnt hurt him to see me digging in my purse. it was more just that it would have been a deliberate unkindness to put a focus on money when it wasnt a concern for him. he ever spent any extreme amount of money on me, or made any ridiculous splurges... it was just assumed that he was fronting the bills. once i suggested a restaurant for dinner and a salad + entree + drink dinner for each of us ended up running way more than i expected, so i offered to split that night, for example, because he wasn't expecting to spend that much on a random tuesday.

the guy im seeing now, hes not even my boyfriend, and he goes out of his way to make sure i dont pay for anything. he definitely doesnt have the kind of money my ex did, but i guess he just really feels like thats how hes supposed to treat a woman. he thinks of it as respecting me, i think. maybe he thinks id be less interested in hanging out with him if he didnt pay. and to be honest, in a boy-girl relationship, i think thats a good attitude for a man to have. but it isnt such a straightforward transaction as "it costs 600 and i only have 100, do you still like me"

idk, i dont fully understand the male motives behind this behavior. in my experiences, i get the impression that certain kinds of men just think that's how they're supposed to treat a woman. and its not about how much money he actually has, or the actual extent of your expense/need... its just like his job is not to ignore your needs, and if one of your needs is financial, its his duty to address it.

 

[Tolle]

renewmetoo

How long were you dating? And how do you ask?

You just be on a date and pull out a remittance envelop like 'you gone pay this? Or nah.'

Various dating lengths but if we got to the point of us sexing or chilling at each others houses, I didnt think twice about asking.

Im really trying to replay one of these conversations in my head..

"Hey, im going to the outlet on friday so I need some money"

"I need to go shopping, when can we go?

Before DH and I moved in together Id take two utility bills and say "pick one?" Kinda made a game out of it because he never knew which bill or how much. If he chose a high one, I might say "you don't have to pay the whole bill just give me $x. I might not.

 

[Crackers Phinn]

nobody said you shouldnt get anything

in fact everyone said the opposite.

you shouldnt have to ASK to be given things. unless your gold mine aint really all that gold...

The OP says it feels strange to her that this should be normal, even more so since she is doing the FB thing. Hence her only trading sex and only getting orgasms in return.

"Shouldn't" is relative. There's a million ways to ask without asking.

I was emotionally resisting you until that last line.

Resistance is futile.

In all honesty dude shouldn't even know what the mine looks like without 'paying' what your mind deems enough. The 'price' is different for everyone

 

[CaraWalker]

The OP says it feels strange to her that this should be normal, even more so since she is doing the FB thing. Hence her only trading sex and only getting orgasms in return. "Shouldn't" is relative. There's a million ways to ask without asking. Resistance is futile.

yes but arent we talking about ASKING? actual "have you asked" asking?

 

[SelahOco]

Various dating lengths but if we got to the point of us sexing or chilling at each others houses, I didnt think twice about asking.

Im really trying to replay one of these conversations in my head..

"Hey, im going to the outlet on friday so I need some money"

"I need to go shopping, when can we go?

Before DH and I moved in together Id take two utility bills and say "pick one?" Kinda made a game out of it because he never knew which bill or how much. If he chose a high one, I might say "you don't have to pay the whole bill just give me $x. I might not.

Dang girl! You didn't mess around.

 

[Crackers Phinn]

yes but arent we talking about ASKING? actual "have you asked" asking?

I don't think the OP is there yet.

But I'll play.

Every single man that me, you or anybody else deals with wiill make an offer of something prior to having sex, what it will take to get him in. Some will offer the least possible (usually their penile services) and if that doesn't work, they will up the ante. But make no mistake they all offer something. They do this because sex is a reward. It's the woman's job to set the standard of what is worthy of a reward.

When dude does something worthy of sex, then his deeds are shown the proper appreciation. Now that you have dog whispered your way into him understanding what needs to be done to get his reward, there is no need to have to spell it out.

The only exception is the kind of dude who just comes right out and asks "what do you want?" In which case, there should be a mile wide grin emitting warmth and sunshine on your face, eyes and heat.

They all have the option to decide whether you're worth the standard you set. If they don't, wish them well in their future endeavors and keep it pushing.

 

[Browndilocks]

I don't think the OP is there yet.

But I'll play.

Every single man that me, you or anybody else deals with wiill make an offer of something prior to having sex, what it will take to get him in. Some will offer the least possible (usually their penile services) and if that doesn't work, they will up the ante. But make no mistake they all offer something. They do this because sex is a reward. It's the woman's job to set the standard of what is worthy of a reward.

When dude does something worthy of sex, then his deeds are shown the proper appreciation. Now that you have dog whispered your way into him understanding what needs to be done to get his reward, there is no need to have to spell it out.

The only exception is the kind of dude who just comes right out and asks "what do you want?" In which case, there should be a mile wide grin emitting warmth and sunshine on your face, eyes and heat.

They all have the option to decide whether you're worth the standard you set. If they don't, wish them well in their future endeavors and keep it pushing.

Yes girl. Good strong tea right there. http://img.pandawhale.com/52559-samuel-l-jackson-drinking-pulp-5mhC.gif

 

[Zaynab]

I don't think you have to ask. A man who is with you should offer and or give money when he sees a need. Like, if your car breaks down, needs tires? He should be right there to offer. Gifts should come without you asking. Also, I mean your time is an investment, dating and relationships included-that should be compensated. But my grandma taught us if you're with a man, you shouldn't be broke or need anything

 

[CaraWalker]

I don't think the OP is there yet. But I'll play. Every single man that me, you or anybody else deals with wiill make an offer of something prior to having sex, what it will take to get him in. Some will offer the least possible (usually their penile services) and if that doesn't work, they will up the ante. But make no mistake they all offer something. They do this because sex is a reward. It's the woman's job to set the standard of what is worthy of a reward. When dude does something worthy of sex, then his deeds are shown the proper appreciation. Now that you have dog whispered your way into him understanding what needs to be done to get his reward, there is no need to have to spell it out. The only exception is the kind of dude who just comes right out and asks "what do you want?" In which case, there should be a mile wide grin emitting warmth and sunshine on your face, eyes and heat. They all have the option to decide whether you're worth the standard you set. If they don't, wish them well in their future endeavors and keep it pushing.

the op said ask, as in verbal questions and requests, so that is how i framed my responses.

 

[BEAUTYU2U]

Various dating lengths but if we got to the point of us sexing or chilling at each others houses, I didnt think twice about asking.

Im really trying to replay one of these conversations in my head..

"Hey, im going to the outlet on friday so I need some money"

"I need to go shopping, when can we go?

Before DH and I moved in together Id take two utility bills and say "pick one?" Kinda made a game out of it because he never knew which bill or how much. If he chose a high one, I might say "you don't have to pay the whole bill just give me $x. I might not.

I like you

 

[Britt]

Various dating lengths but if we got to the point of us sexing or chilling at each others houses, I didnt think twice about asking.

Im really trying to replay one of these conversations in my head..

"Hey, im going to the outlet on friday so I need some money"

"I need to go shopping, when can we go?

Before DH and I moved in together Id take two utility bills and say "pick one?" Kinda made a game out of it because he never knew which bill or how much. If he chose a high one, I might say "you don't have to pay the whole bill just give me $x. I might not.

for some reason this post gave me a good laugh. I love how you come outright and ask. I agree though, if you're my man, I'd expect you to offer.

 

[SincerelyJane]

for some reason this post gave me a good laugh. I love how you come outright and ask. I agree though, if you're my man, I'd expect you to offer.

I'm an asker too, but not usually for money. Sometimes other guys will make them feel like they are being weak. Especially if they are younger. But sometimes it takes awhile before a man realizes that when he spends money on a woman, he's doing it for his own happiness, because it makes them feel happy too. Probably even happier, because its always better to give than to receive. I think that's when they start offering, once they realize that point. So it can depend on where he is in life at the time.