Will I be wasting money?

[ManeVixen]

Well, CAN you "carry him" when he goes off to Med school?

He carried you for four years and if yall were married, and the decision was made for him to go to Med school to better his career and become the sole breadwinner then as a wife, you'd have to support his dream right?

I kind of see his point.

The money he has been spending on you is gonna have to cease cause he needs to go to Med School and get his career in order....will you be able to pay a few bills while he's in school?

Or did you get so dependent on him in the last 4 years that he feels you can't maintain the household while he cuts back so he can finish his education?

Nothing wrong with that...

This is exactly what he is saying and I thought if i got my own place and held that down I could prove to myself i can be responsible because I know im not and he would see that I could contribute if need be while he was in med school. I dont think there is anything wrong with supporting my SO while he is in med school... And i do think im too dependent not just on him but on my parents too. I never had to work for anything and I think that hinders me now

 

[MrsHdrLe]

BTW How old are you and he? If you both are in your early 20s, maybe it would be best to date some more. A lot (certainly not all, but quite often) of marriages end when the participants are still young and growing emotionally, spiritually.... Like MD Lady said, and very well articulated BTW, are you sure you want to marry him or are you feelingly "gulity" b/c you've been living together so long?

Also, have you considered how you would feel if you pulled up and did what he's requesting only to end up divorced. Granted, it may not be his intent to "use you", but you may still feel that way after you stuck by him all that time (remember Waiting to Exhale?) Just a thought, you may choose to ignore b/c you know him more than we do. Just do what you ultimately feel comfortable with for you and your future. Good luck, pray hard, and read your Bible, He may have already addressed this at some level and if none of those work, ask your mother, she'll tell what.

 

[discobiscuits]

My SO and I have been living together for almost 4 years. I decided to move into my own place. My move date is set for March however now that the date is approaching I am having second thoughts and my SO doesnt want me to move either.
The reason I am moving on my own is to become responsible. I currently only pay my car payment other than that my SO takes care of everything else. He is the bread winner. I want to get married but he said he wanted me to "prove" that I can "carry us" because he wont be ale to when he goes to med school. Thats what prompted me to move out.

Part of me want to move out and live on my own and the other part of me feels like it is a waste of money..

wow this seems extremely backwards. if you are trying to become responsible you should have been on your own from the word go.

if he is the bread winner he then he is already carrying you two which already confirms that you are not and are dependent on him. this "prove" that you can carry both of you contingency is a ploy, a trick, and it is his way of continuing his four year binge to eat his cake, icing, ice cream and cookies too without the commitment or responsibility.

you are very foolish to:

1. continue to shack up with him
2. not insist on the ring - period

you should move out on your own and only move back when you are Mrs. Doctor and not one moment before.

sweety, you asked for our 'help' or opinions that is mine.

you will not be wasting money, you will be independent and able to set the bar higher for him to live up to.

 

[Mortons]

If he has not learned that you are responsible in 4 years I'm not sure what now til next fall can do. Does he really want to get married, honestly?

 

[discobiscuits]

Without more details, after 4 years it does read as an elaborate ploy to get you to move out without actually saying "I want you to move out."

I asked DH about this and he says it sounds like you are being dumped and that the guy is tired of taking care of you. DH asked if it was your idea to move out to prove you can be the breadwinner? If not, consider yourself dumped and expect the locks on your old place to be changed.

wow real talk, sorry i missed this post.

 

[hopeful]

I wanted to add that I think that you should move out, but not to prove yourself to anyone. You should move out so that you can acquire the skills you need to survive in this world and so that you can feel good about yourself. Then you should be sure to not live with a man until either you are married (which is preferable imo) or you are mature enough to work out an arrangement that works for both of you. You gon have to fly on your own sooner or later, I think you can do it, it may not always be easy, but you can do it. Be sure to move somewhere that you can definitely afford all on your own. Good luck.

ETA: And I would not fully support no one going through medical school unless we were married, would not even consider it.

Another ETA: It seems to me that some of the ladies may be onto something regarding him trying to break up with you. It may be that you were what he wanted the last four years and that he enjoyed taking care of you but now it seems he may want something else. Are you even sure he's going to medical school? If so, then he may be realizing he needs a hard-working sister to put him through school and he may know he can get that without marrying someone else. Or the school thing may be made up just because he is tired of the set-up and wants to try it the other way around and he be taken care of. IDK, I really hope everything is all innocent and he's just communicating this poorly.

 

[CukiMonstersBabyMama]

This is exactly what he is saying and I thought if i got my own place and held that down I could prove to myself i can be responsible because I know im not and he would see that I could contribute if need be while he was in med school. I dont think there is anything wrong with supporting my SO while he is in med school... And i do think im too dependent not just on him but on my parents too. I never had to work for anything and I think that hinders me now

I realize this message may be ignored as evident by you ignoring my previous posts and questions, yet addressing others, but I'm still going to say my piece. Even if you do not take the advice that I'm giving, I hope it helps you better understand where he is coming from.

It makes perfect sense to me that he wants to see if you are able to handle responsibilites before he puts a ring on your finger.This man is afraid and he is thinking about his future, which any reasonable man should be. He is investing a lot of time and money into medical school and he knows that he has the potential to make hundreds of thousands of dollars a year, and does not want his hardwork to be thrown down the drain by someone who can't manage his money. Imagine how you would feel if you were going into a high-paying career, yet your SO never had a job and is admittingly irresponsible with money? Would you want to plan a future with a woman who doesn't know how to manage money and is still heavily dependent upon her parents?

I don't think it's about him not wanting to be married, I think it's about his doubts of marrying YOU, and from reading the bolded I can see why. I think we need to cut this man some slack and stop acting like he is the devil. He's just thinking about his future.


Now to answer your question: I do not think it would be wise for you to just up and leave. You don't have a job, and you just said that you do not know how to manage money. I think you'd be doing yourself a huge disservice and would be throwing yourself out to the 'wolves.' I advise that you start off slow; Get yourself a job, save some money, help out with you guys' current bills first. Don't do this only for him, do this for YOU. You're a grown woman, it's time for you to learn how to take charge of finances. Especially if you plan on being somebody's wife and potentially a mother.

If you start to do these things and if he's still not talking marriage, you already know what you should do.

 

[Ozma]

I'll say one last thing...

Maybe you'll get out there, get to enjoy and value your independence for yourself, not to satisfy his demands before he'll marry you. You might find you are a lot stronger and more capable than he (or you) can see right now. Then, if he still wants marriage, he will have to show that he's worth you giving up your independence.

Good luck to you!

 

[hopeful]

...
Now to answer your question: I do not think it would be wise for you to just up and leave. You don't have a job, and you just said that you do not know how to manage money.

...

I didn't see anywhere that she said she didn't have a job. How on earth can she move out in March without a job? I mean it's March right now. OP, please tell us you have a job.

 

[discobiscuits]

I didn't see anywhere that she said she didn't have a job. How on earth can she move out in March without a job? I mean it's March right now. OP, please tell us you have a job.

yeah i must have missed that too. where did she say that?

 

[ManeVixen]

I didn't see anywhere that she said she didn't have a job. How on earth can she move out in March without a job? I mean it's March right now. OP, please tell us you have a job.

yeah i must have missed that too. where did she say that?

Yes I have a job i dont know where that came from eitherI just use my money on other things like haircare I have been saving and im pretty prepared to move on my own. I just feel like I could use this money on other things but I also feel that I need to be on my own. I dont knowerplexed

I realize this message may be ignored as evident by you ignoring my previous posts and questions, yet addressing others, but I'm still going to say my piece. Even if you do not take the advice that I'm giving, I hope it helps you better understand where he is coming from.

It makes perfect sense to me that he wants to see if you are able to handle responsibilites before he puts a ring on your finger.This man is afraid and he is thinking about his future, which any reasonable man should be. He is investing a lot of time and money into medical school and he knows that he has the potential to make hundreds of thousands of dollars a year, and does not want his hardwork to be thrown down the drain by someone who can't manage his money. Imagine how you would feel if you were going into a high-paying career, yet your SO never had a job and is admittingly irresponsible with money? Would you want to plan a future with a woman who doesn't know how to manage money and is still heavily dependent upon her parents?

I don't think it's about him not wanting to be married, I think it's about his doubts of marrying YOU, and from reading the bolded I can see why. I think we need to cut this man some slack and stop acting like he is the devil. He's just thinking about his future.


Now to answer your question: I do not think it would be wise for you to just up and leave. You don't have a job, and you just said that you do not know how to manage money. I think you'd be doing yourself a huge disservice and would be throwing yourself out to the 'wolves.' I advise that you start off slow; Get yourself a job, save some money, help out with you guys' current bills first. Don't do this only for him, do this for YOU. You're a grown woman, it's time for you to learn how to take charge of finances. Especially if you plan on being somebody's wife and potentially a mother.

If you start to do these things and if he's still not talking marriage, you already know what you should do.

I see exactly where he is coming from as far as wanting me to manage money however my concern is that I made a mistake by deciding to move out..I think I should have thought of a better solution oppose to me making it so drastic.

 

[discobiscuits]

ETA: Nevermind you posted the answer as I was typing. Sowwy.

I didn't see anywhere that she said she didn't have a job. How on earth can she move out in March without a job? I mean it's March right now. OP, please tell us you have a job.

oh, okay i see where that poster got that idea. MV said that she depends on her parents and that she has never had to work for anything.

however, i don't interpret that as she has no job.

MV you ARE employed enough to pay your own way right? Your parents are not going to be paying your rent, renters insurance, car insurance, car note, food, utilities, etc. for you when you move out are they?

hey, help us out, what's the deal?

And i do think im too dependent not just on him but on my parents too. I never had to work for anything and I think that hinders me now

 

[Bunny77]

I see exactly where he is coming from as far as wanting me to manage money however my concern is that I made a mistake by deciding to move out..I think I should have thought of a better solution oppose to me making it so drastic.

Well, I think the biggest question here for you to consider really isn't about whether you'll be wasting money.

It's about figuring out the direction you want the relationship to go.

If I was in your position and wanted to be married, I would have to leave simply because I wouldn't see the point of continuing to live with a man I've been with for four years who is not going to marry me. That would be my biggest concern moreso than the money.

If you do move out, what do you plan to do about the direction of the relationship? Are you going to stay with him? Is this a possible method to see if he'll propose since he might realize what he lost?

(I'm not asking in a baiting way... I'm asking just to see where you stand right now about this whole thing.)

 

[ManeVixen]

Well, I think the biggest question here for you to consider really isn't about whether you'll be wasting money.

It's about figuring out the direction you want the relationship to go.

If I was in your position and wanted to be married, I would have to leave simply because I wouldn't see the point of continuing to live with a man I've been with for four years who is not going to marry me. That would be my biggest concern moreso than the money.

If you do move out, what do you plan to do about the direction of the relationship? Are you going to stay with him? Is this a possible method to see if he'll propose since he might realize what he lost?

(I'm not asking in a baiting way... I'm asking just to see where you stand right now about this whole thing.)

That was my goal..but yes we plan to stay together just live apart. I figured we would go on in a normal relationship

 

[Bunny77]

That was my goal..but yes we plan to stay together just live apart. I figured we would go on in a normal relationship

Thanks for answering!

Okay, I'll just say this... if marriage is your goal, don't wait too long to see what type of move he'll make. One could say that four years without marriage is too long already.

I'm not in your relationship, so I'm not going to say to you, "Gurrrrrrrrrrrrl, dump that fool and move on!" BUT, I will say that now is the time to really start doing some serious thinking about the state of your relationship to make sure it's the right one and that you both want the same things.

I'd hate to see you waste more years on a relationship that won't end in marriage and have to start all over.

Best of luck! And I do agree with your decision to move out... I'm not a fan of living together, but I think that if a woman makes that choice AND wants to be married, she should make sure that the living together period is a short one. Dudes start getting a little too comfortable when they have a live-in girlfriend for many years.

 

[treybaby2005]

That was my goal..but yes we plan to stay together just live apart. I figured we would go on in a normal relationship

It doesn't always work like that.Just think you have been with him for four years you and him slept in the same bed and shared everything.This is a break for you both.This is defintely going to be relationship changing.Whether it is good or bad.

 

[CukiMonstersBabyMama]

This is exactly what he is saying and I thought if i got my own place and held that down I could prove to myself i can be responsible because I know im not and he would see that I could contribute if need be while he was in med school. I dont think there is anything wrong with supporting my SO while he is in med school... And i do think im too dependent not just on him but on my parents too. I never had to work for anything and I think that hinders me now

I didn't see anywhere that she said she didn't have a job. How on earth can she move out in March without a job? I mean it's March right now. OP, please tell us you have a job.

I'm caught up and I see that I misquoted her. I got that impression from the bolded Hopeful.

 

[Windsy]

WOW ladies, this is excellent advice.

MV, in my opinion, it really shouldn't have to take living on your own to prove that you are responsible. Why don't you take on some of the bills to help him out. Start sitting down with him and do the bills together. I do believe that it will be a waste of money to move out and yes, your relationship is going to change. I don't think responsibility means living on your own and paying your bills, some people that live on their own and pay their bills are irresponsible too. Show some interest in the bills being paid, tell him you want to be involved in the process.

I do believe that he is scared that you may not be able to hold the fort down while he is in school. As far as him wanting to dump you, IDK, I don't get that impression.

 

[Farida]

I think the problem is your SO has realized that he has over-invested himself in this relationship.

You are not his wife, and he has been basically paying all your bills and you are stacking your money away.

What happens when he goes to med school? He gets really busy and by the time he hits residency you'll be lucky to see him awake in that home. He won't even have time to eat let alone sleep or be with you.

A lot of marriages are destroyed by higher education because of stress, money, little time together. Imagine BF/GF....

So your man is realizing he has spent all his time, money, effort on you, your relationship might not even last med school....and you'll leave with a heavy wallet and what will he have to show for it? You're not married so he won't be entitled to half, he can't recoup what he spent on you and he can't make you support him after that.

I think he is scared, and you have been honest with yourself. You haven't had to be on your own.

I do think it was ridiculous for him to wait 4 years to bring this up.

And honestly, I am concerned, because I don't advocate long shack-ups. So my thought is move out and learn to be on your own.

Don't support a man in med school who isn't your husband. That would make the two of you shack up for like 12 years. At that point hun' that man probably won't marry you.

And in the long run I think you'll be a happier, healthier person if you lived alone for a while. You'd really learn to know yourself.

Unfortunately, at this point you moving out will probably strain if not break your relationship. But if it does, hey, better now then after marriage.

 

[BillsBackerz67]

I think the problem is your SO has realized that he has over-invested himself in this relationship.

You are not his wife, and he has been basically paying all your bills and you are stacking your money away.

What happens when he goes to med school? He gets really busy and by the time he hits residency you'll be lucky to see him awake in that home. He won't even have time to eat let alone sleep or be with you.

A lot of marriages are destroyed by higher education because of stress, money, little time together. Imagine BF/GF....

So your man is realizing he has spent all his time, money, effort on you, your relationship might not even last med school....and you'll leave with a heavy wallet and what will he have to show for it? You're not married so he won't be entitled to half, he can't recoup what he spent on you and he can't make you support him after that.

I think he is scared, and you have been honest with yourself. You haven't had to be on your own.

I do think it was ridiculous for him to wait 4 years to bring this up.

And honestly, I am concerned, because I don't advocate long shack-ups. So my thought is move out and learn to be on your own.

Don't support a man in med school who isn't your husband. That would make the two of you shack up for like 12 years. At that point hun' that man probably won't marry you.

And in the long run I think you'll be a happier, healthier person if you lived alone for a while. You'd really learn to know yourself.

Unfortunately, at this point you moving out will probably strain if not break your relationship. But if it does, hey, better now then after marriage.

I agree because after he's done and if for whatever reason it doesnt work out you'll feel like it was a waste 4 years of supporting him that entire time while he was in school. And honestly I dont like being obligated to support anyone Im not married to.

Plus what if you want to have a change of plans and attend school full time and you cant work either? You'll feel stuck because you agreed to hold his weight and yours while he is in school. I feel a lot more comfortable living alone knowing that I owe no one anything (besides the landlord and the utility company )

If I had an SO in med school, he the only thing he can really expect from me is emotional support. Medical school is a trying time and he may be around as often. Most medical school students are better off not dating or dating other fellow med students. Not trying to hurt ur feelings but from experience watching other people thats usually the concensus.

 

[ManeVixen]

Thanks for the feedback everyone!!!!!!!!!!!

WOW ladies, this is excellent advice.

As far as him wanting to dump you, IDK, I don't get that impression.

Yea I didnt get that impression at all either

I think the problem is your SO has realized that he has over-invested himself in this relationship.

You are not his wife, and he has been basically paying all your bills and you are stacking your money away.

What happens when he goes to med school? He gets really busy and by the time he hits residency you'll be lucky to see him awake in that home. He won't even have time to eat let alone sleep or be with you.

A lot of marriages are destroyed by higher education because of stress, money, little time together. Imagine BF/GF....

So your man is realizing he has spent all his time, money, effort on you, your relationship might not even last med school....and you'll leave with a heavy wallet and what will he have to show for it? You're not married so he won't be entitled to half, he can't recoup what he spent on you and he can't make you support him after that.

I think he is scared, and you have been honest with yourself. You haven't had to be on your own.

I do think it was ridiculous for him to wait 4 years to bring this up.

And honestly, I am concerned, because I don't advocate long shack-ups. So my thought is move out and learn to be on your own.

Don't support a man in med school who isn't your husband. That would make the two of you shack up for like 12 years. At that point hun' that man probably won't marry you.

And in the long run I think you'll be a happier, healthier person if you lived alone for a while. You'd really learn to know yourself.

I agree because after he's done and if for whatever reason it doesnt work out you'll feel like it was a waste 4 years of supporting him that entire time while he was in school. And honestly I dont like being obligated to support anyone Im not married to.

Plus what if you want to have a change of plans and attend school full time and you cant work either? You'll feel stuck because you agreed to hold his weight and yours while he is in school. I feel a lot more comfortable living alone knowing that I owe no one anything (besides the landlord and the utility company )

If I had an SO in med school, he the only thing he can really expect from me is emotional support. Medical school is a trying time and he may be around as often. Most medical school students are better off not dating or dating other fellow med students. Not trying to hurt ur feelings but from experience watching other people thats usually the concensus.

Interesting point I really never thought of that...I feel like I give him sooooo much emotional support.

 

[DayStar]

what the hell are men coming tooo???????

 

[BillsBackerz67]

Thanks for the feedback everyone!!!!!!!!!!!




Yea I didnt get that impression at all either







Interesting point I really never thought of that...I feel like I give him sooooo much emotional support.

Im pretty sure you do But with that type of program there is only so much you'll be able to do, and there will be a lot of times where he is going to be emotionally unavailable. Will you be able to handle that? He may or may not develop a work spouse relationship with someone in his program and between studying 24/7 together in groups and clincials there's a possibility of it happening.

 

[gmw]

Yes I have a job i dont know where that came from eitherI just use my money on other things like haircare I have been saving and im pretty prepared to move on my own. I just feel like I could use this money on other things but I also feel that I need to be on my own. I dont knowerplexed



I see exactly where he is coming from as far as wanting me to manage money however my concern is that I made a mistake by deciding to move out..I think I should have thought of a better solution oppose to me making it so drastic.

Follow your instincts on this. If your first thought was to move out, do it. You may feel you want some independence and really want to prove to yourself that you can do it. Living on your own could be fun, and it could put a new spice and vigor into your relationship, and you might not need to ask him anymore to marry you. He might wake up and give you the ring unprompted.

Supporting him through med school..... hmmm.... talk to some older women who are married to doctors, and were with them before they became doctors. They should have some good advice.

 

[Browndilocks]

I think you need to move out. Show this man as well as yourself that uuummmm YES - you can live without him. Sometimes men just dont get it. They get caught up in their own pseudo worlds where they really believe that women revolve around them. Sometimes you have to show a man that he's not the necessity that he may think he is. Often times when you do that, they get it.

I've had a couple of friends move out from where they lived with their boyfriends and got their own place. Ironically, all of them are married to the very man that they moved away from. And they didn't have to do the asking...

 

[Bunny77]

I think you need to move out. Show this man as well as yourself that uuummmm YES - you can live without him. Sometimes men just dont get it. They get caught up in their own pseudo worlds where they really believe that women revolve around them. Sometimes you have to show a man that he's not the necessity that he may think he is. Often times when you do that, they get it.

I've had a couple of friends move out from where they lived with their boyfriends and got their own place. Ironically, all of them are married to the very man that they moved away from. And they didn't have to do the asking...

I've heard a lot of these stories too!

Folks lived with a man for a bit, he didn't want to marry, they moved out, ring came in 6 months and wedding not long after.

That's why I'm not a fan of living together if you want to marry... but if you do want to live together, none of this multi-year stuff!

 

[scorpio70]

I agree. erplexed


I say you move out to prove to yourself you can be responsible. Bump him. What is he going to do if you flounder? Marry someone else who can hold it down while he's in medical school? On his end he needs to be focused on taking care of himself while he's in medical school. Not looking to you or anyone else.

i think you hit the nail on the head. he doesn't want the OP as an added responsibility while he's in med school. a man that wants to marry would have come up with a 'transition plan' for handling the homefront while he's focused on school.

i won't go so far as to say he's just not that into her. but it sounds like he's more 'into' med school than this relationship.

 

[Bunny77]

i think you hit the nail on the head. he doesn't want the OP as an added responsibility while he's in med school. a man that wants to marry would have come up with a 'transition plan' for handling the homefront while he's focused on school.

i won't go so far as to say he's just not that into her. but it sounds like he's more 'into' med school than this relationship.

I guess what confuses me -- and maybe ManeVixen can explain more -- is that there seems to be no plan in place as to where this relationship is going.

I assume the guy was thinking about med school for a while now and I assume that the OP and her SO are in their mid-20s. There are plenty of people who marry before med/law school or during (usually someone they were with before they started). Him going to med school doesn't have to prevent him from getting married... IF he does indeed want to marry the OP. Of course, we don't know that... but it seems that after four years, both people would have a clear idea of their future together, married or not.

These types of things should not still be unknowns at this point in time. And if he was really and truly concerned about the financial situation when he started med school, this should have been something that was discussed a long time ago.

It just sounds like he likes the status quo of continuing to have a live-in girlfriend, but had to come up with yet another reason as to why he's not looking to marry her when she asked him about it. The financial issue seems to be more of a stall tactic than anything.

Yes, it's a legit issue (finances), but that should have been discussed a loooong time ago, IMO.

 

[ManeVixen]

I guess what confuses me -- and maybe ManeVixen can explain more -- is that there seems to be no plan in place as to where this relationship is going.

Yea we just had this talk last night after i posted this...he asked me where did i think this relationship was going out of the blue!!! and I couldnt answer....I vowed to myself I wouldnt speak the word marriage again...he said he wants to get married ...then i tolds him about the post and he said all I am asking for you to contribute to some of the bills. he said " you shop first then you may think about paying a bill...i dont like working a zillion hours a week to support us when i know you can contribute....i dont want you to move out just help out"erplexed <<<that makes me feel like a burden

but yea i didnt have a plan ...just get married and live happily ever after.... guess that wasnt realistic

 

[Farida]

Yea we just had this talk last night after i posted this...he asked me where did i think this relationship was going out of the blue!!! and I couldnt answer....I vowed to myself I wouldnt speak the word marriage again...he said he wants to get married ...then i tolds him about the post and he said all I am asking for you to contribute to some of the bills. he said " you shop first then you may think about paying a bill...i dont like working a zillion hours a week to support us when i know you can contribute....i dont want you to move out just help out"erplexed <<<that makes me feel like a burden

but yea i didnt have a plan ...just get married and live happily ever after.... guess that wasnt realistic

OK looks like he is frustrated. Why did he wait so long to bring this up? Also, OP, how much exactly does he work?

I agree y'all need to talk. Maybe this man is not the type to keep a housewife let alone a house-girlfriend.