Will I be wasting money?

[ManeVixen]

My SO and I have been living together for almost 4 years. I decided to move into my own place. My move date is set for March however now that the date is approaching I am having second thoughts and my SO doesnt want me to move either.
The reason I am moving on my own is to become responsible. I currently only pay my car payment other than that my SO takes care of everything else. He is the bread winner. I want to get married but he said he wanted me to "prove" that I can "carry us" because he wont be ale to when he goes to med school. Thats what prompted me to move out.

Part of me want to move out and live on my own and the other part of me feels like it is a waste of money..

 

[smwrigh3]

Y don't you just live off your salary and bank his... that way yall will have savings when it is time for him to go to school.. and u are still paying all the bills..

I do feel like its a waste of money

 

[Murjani]

So in 4 years he doesn't feel you that you have proven that you are responsible?

So the only reason you are moving out is to prove that you are marriage material by being able to take care of self?

I just feel like this is an excuse, once you have proven yourself then what?

You two need to talk about this.

 

[MD_Lady]

My SO and I have been living together for almost 4 years. I decided to move into my own place. My move date is set for March however now that the date is approaching I am having second thoughts and my SO doesnt want me to move either.
The reason I am moving on my own is to become responsible. I currently only pay my car payment other than that my SO takes care of everything else. He is the bread winner. I want to get married but he said he wanted me to "prove" that I can "carry us" because he wont be ale to when he goes to med school. Thats what prompted me to move out.

Part of me want to move out and live on my own and the other part of me feels like it is a waste of money..

If the bolded is only about money, IMO, moving out would be a waste of money because you could find this out by drawing up a budget. Now, if his comment had to do with his thinking you aren't responsible enough, IMO, that a separate issue that needs to be addressed immediately and has nothing to do with money. By the way, how did his comment make you feel?

 

[Ms Red]

My thoughts are-- why are you living together if you're not married (and he wants you to "prove" yourself)? I would have moved out a while ago and started saving my OWN money (not depending on his funds). You're not married.

I really think you will be happier being independent in the long run. If you two get married in 3 months or 3 years, you won't be financially dependent on anyone but you. JMHO.

 

[Mortons]

I may be reading this wrong, but is the only reason he will be considering getting married is if he feels you can support him financially while he is in medical school?

 

[ThickHair]

IMHO he wants an easy out of the relationship so he is going though this elaborate thing to get you out. He will be off to medical school and that will be that.

I do hope I am wrong for your sake.

 

[Country gal]

When are you planning on getting married? I was with someone for 5 years and it was a total waste of time. I could of settled down with someone else instead/.

 

[MissMeWithThatIsh]

As a man, he should prove himself able to hold it down with or without you. As a woman, you should be able to hold yourself down, with or without him.

I think moving out is a good thing, especially if marriage isn't anywhere in the near future. Yes, I did live with my DH prior to marriage, but we spoke intensely about getting married, and our roles as to who did what and how were clearly worked out.

Not saying your man is a moocher, but I think if he's focused on med school, you should focus on you while you two support each other- emotionally, mentally, and physically, not necessarily financially.

 

[naturalmanenyc]

Yes, it is a waste of money. Think about the security deposit, utilities that may require deposits, paying the movers, etc. Just the process of moving alone is a headache.

Without more details, after 4 years it does read as an elaborate ploy to get you to move out without actually saying "I want you to move out."

I asked DH about this and he says it sounds like you are being dumped and that the guy is tired of taking care of you. DH asked if it was your idea to move out to prove you can be the breadwinner? If not, consider yourself dumped and expect the locks on your old place to be changed.

My SO and I have been living together for almost 4 years. I decided to move into my own place. My move date is set for March however now that the date is approaching I am having second thoughts and my SO doesnt want me to move either.
The reason I am moving on my own is to become responsible. I currently only pay my car payment other than that my SO takes care of everything else. He is the bread winner. I want to get married but he said he wanted me to "prove" that I can "carry us" because he wont be ale to when he goes to med school. Thats what prompted me to move out.

Part of me want to move out and live on my own and the other part of me feels like it is a waste of money..

 

[Ozma]

You have gotten some excellent insight already, but yes, he's no longer in it for the long haul, imo.
It is feasible to prove yourself responsible and financially capable while still sharing a home, finances etc. You can just gradually take over more responsibilities as you are able.
I hope this all works out the way you want.

 

[ManeVixen]

Thanks ladies!
I think the way I typed my post was confusing. My SO takes care of the household very well Ive never had any financial resposibilities so I did think this would be a good opportunity to take on some responsibility and have always felt guilty about living with him and not being married however now I really really want to get married and when he told me we could get married if / when I show him I can be responsible I felt like....1. why am I asking you to marry me so many times and 2. do all women have to deal with an if before they get married. erplexed....I would love to contribute equally however its hard to become responsible when you never had to be and you know you have a safety net.
I hope this makes sense.

 

[spelmanlocks]

Sounds like he has no plans to propose to you anytime soon, either he wants an easy out or is truly concerned about whether you will make a good partner. I lived with my DH before marriage, but 4 years is a very long time to live with a man and have him be unsure if you are worthy of being his wife.

 

[MissMeWithThatIsh]

So in 4 years he doesn't feel you that you have proven that you are responsible?

So the only reason you are moving out is to prove that you are marriage material by being able to take care of self?

I just feel like this is an excuse, once you have proven yourself then what?

You two need to talk about this.

Thanks ladies!
I think the way I typed my post was confusing. My SO takes care of the household very well Ive never had any financial resposibilities so I did think this would be a good opportunity to take on some responsibility and have always felt guilty about living with him and not being married however now I really really want to get married and when he told me we could get married if / when I show him I can be responsible I felt like....1. why am I asking you to marry me so many times and 2. do all women have to deal with an if before they get married. erplexed....I would love to contribute equally however its hard to become responsible when you never had to be and you know you have a safety net.
I hope this makes sense.

I agree about learning to take responsibility, and I agree it would be good to show that you can help hold it down too, but I disagree that you should be "asking him to marry" you so many times. We all have to deal with something before we get married, but I don't know, something about moving out to "prove" responsibility seems crazy to me. He's either ready to commit to you, as-is, or he's not. Approach accordingly.

 

[CandiceC]

Sounds like he has no plans to propose to you anytime soon, either he wants an easy out or is truly concerned about whether you will make a good partner. I lived with my DH before marriage, but 4 years is a very long time to live with a man and have him be unsure if you are worthy of being his wife.

I agree. erplexed



I say you move out to prove to yourself you can be responsible. Bump him. What is he going to do if you flounder? Marry someone else who can hold it down while he's in medical school? On his end he needs to be focused on taking care of himself while he's in medical school. Not looking to you or anyone else.

 

[Murjani]

Thanks ladies!
I think the way I typed my post was confusing. My SO takes care of the household very well Ive never had any financial resposibilities so I did think this would be a good opportunity to take on some responsibility and have always felt guilty about living with him and not being married however now I really really want to get married and when he told me we could get married if / when I show him I can be responsible I felt like....1. why am I asking you to marry me so many times and 2. do all women have to deal with an if before they get married. erplexed....I would love to contribute equally however its hard to become responsible when you never had to be and you know you have a safety net.
I hope this makes sense.

I think it would be a good idea for you to move on your own and learn how to live independently. I believe every woman should have the experience of living on her own. Yes, you will be losing money, but you will be gaining life experience. Sometimes it is nice to have your own, especially when there comes at time when you are not sure of where your relationship is headed. Good luck with your move.

 

[MrsHdrLe]

I say try it on your own, but don't hold your breath. It seems to me that he may be the one who's not responsible enough to understand that putting IF....THEN....demands on someone he's been with so long places the relationship into a whole different cateogory and he runs the risk of losing you altogether. Follow what's best for you. IMO, you two don't seem to be drawing nearer towards marriage.

 

[CukiMonstersBabyMama]

Why do you have to move out to show that you're responsible? Why don't you contribute to some of the bills that you guys currently share?

 

[Maynard]

My SO and I have been living together for almost 4 years. I decided to move into my own place. My move date is set for March however now that the date is approaching I am having second thoughts and my SO doesnt want me to move either.
The reason I am moving on my own is to become responsible. I currently only pay my car payment other than that my SO takes care of everything else. He is the bread winner. I want to get married but he said he wanted me to "prove" that I can "carry us" because he wont be ale to when he goes to med school. Thats what prompted me to move out.

Part of me want to move out and live on my own and the other part of me feels like it is a waste of money..

You need to move out and move on.

He wants you to prove that you can carry us..

You aint his mama...tell that ninja to make sure her can carry his darn self while he goes to medical school.

Please.

 

[naturalmanenyc]

There is no need to make excuses. None of us know you or the full details of your situation.

I lived on my own for nearly a decade before marrying DH. We did not live together in advance. I'm all for a woman knowing how to take care of herself....but now that you have been living with this man for 4 years I find it odd that he asked you to move out to prove that you can be financially responsible. That can be learned while still living together.

What I can tell you is NO, I did not have one single "we can get married if/when" prior to DH asking me to be his wife. We did discuss finances, spending/saving habits and debt. He had none as he'd been an all cash person for years.

After 4 years of living together (and clearly longer than that of being in a relationship), I would think this man would not have any "IF/When" tests for you to pass prior to asking you to get married....if he wanted to marry you. I think that maybe your asking him so many times to get married may have made him realize that he does not want to get married. Maybe just not yet or maybe not to you.

By the way, if he is going to be a doctor, unless you are also going into a similar high paying field, you may not ever be able to contribute equally in a financial sense.

Thanks ladies!
I think the way I typed my post was confusing. My SO takes care of the household very well Ive never had any financial resposibilities so I did think this would be a good opportunity to take on some responsibility and have always felt guilty about living with him and not being married however now I really really want to get married and when he told me we could get married if / when I show him I can be responsible I felt like....1. why am I asking you to marry me so many times and 2. do all women have to deal with an if before they get married. erplexed....I would love to contribute equally however its hard to become responsible when you never had to be and you know you have a safety net.
I hope this makes sense.

 

[ManeVixen]

There is no need to make excuses. None of us know you or the full details of your situation.

I lived on my own for nearly a decade before marrying DH. We did not live together in advance. I'm all for a woman knowing how to take care of herself....but now that you have been living with this man for 4 years I find it odd that he asked you to move out to prove that you can be financially responsible. That can be learned while still living together.

What I can tell you is NO, I did not have one single "we can get married if/when" prior to DH asking me to be his wife. We did discuss finances, spending/saving habits and debt. He had none as he'd been an all cash person for years.

After 4 years of living together (and clearly longer than that of being in a relationship), I would think this man would not have any "IF/When" tests for you to pass prior to asking you to get married....if he wanted to marry you. I think that maybe your asking him so many times to get married may have made him realize that he does not want to get married. Maybe just not yet or maybe not to you.

By the way, if he is going to be a doctor, unless you are also going into a similar high paying field, you may not ever be able to contribute equally in a financial sense.

I wasnt asked to move out...I decided to do it on my own.. he dont want me to move out

 

[Bunny77]

I wasnt asked to move out...I decided to do it on my own.. he dont want me to move out

Just want to make sure that I understand the story.

He doesn't want you to move out, but he is saying that he doesn't want to marry you until you "prove" what he wants you to prove. So in other words, you can stay and stay in the relationship, but you will need to start becoming the "breadwinner" girlfriend if you continue living there.

Did I get it right?

 

[naturalmanenyc]

He doesn't want you to move out, but you have a moving date set for March (today is March 1) and presumably you have packed up your things. He is saying that he doesn't want to marry you until IF/WHEN you "prove" that you can be the breadwinner while he is in med school?

So, you can keep shacking up but unless you can prove that you can take care of yourself and him, you should not expect marriage?

I wasnt asked to move out...I decided to do it on my own.. he dont want me to move out

 

[hopeful]

I don't like how he's treating you. You know he spoils you then says you aren't responsible. He'll live with you and pay the bills but won't marry you until you prove yourself. I just don't like how he plays, very unfair. Dh gave me no Ifs when he proposed to me. I was the one who had to think about it. I was still in college and he wasn't the least bit concerned about me proving anything. I think you should be careful. You certainly shouldn't be trying to get anyone to marry you, that's not right imo.

Thanks ladies!

I think the way I typed my post was confusing. My SO takes care of the household very well Ive never had any financial resposibilities so I did think this would be a good opportunity to take on some responsibility and have always felt guilty about living with him and not being married however now I really really want to get married and when he told me we could get married if / when I show him I can be responsible I felt like....1. why am I asking you to marry me so many times and 2. do all women have to deal with an if before they get married. ....I would love to contribute equally however its hard to become responsible when you never had to be and you know you have a safety net.

I hope this makes sense.

 

[ManeVixen]

Just want to make sure that I understand the story.

He doesn't want you to move out, but he is saying that he doesn't want to marry you until you "prove" what he wants you to prove. So in other words, you can stay and stay in the relationship, but you will need to start becoming the "breadwinner" girlfriend if you continue living there.

Did I get it right?

Yes pretty much...he dont want me to become the breadwinner more so helping out with the bills in general....Im really getting some good advice in this thread I didnt really think much about why he is putting if's and's or buts on our relationship.

 

[kismettt]

so im not sure why the whole moving out thing was thought of as any kind of reasonable solution (considering hes going to med school soon & wont be able to provide you both with the life style you are accustomed).
i can understand what hes saying even if the word use/choice was awful. (especially when used on this forum). you should set up a joint account to, at the very least, pay the rent/utilities/groceries (shared expenses). if he makes more, make it an equal percentage of your salaries. (also, this may be a move you may want to wait for engagement first). let him know you can meet him halfway as long as he proves to you that this isnt a temporary support situation for him while he sets himself up to be set for life. (approach it from a roommate perspective if you are too concerned about playing 'house'/'wife'/whatever). if you were roommates, you nor he would be carrying the other. 4 years is a long time for him to paying 100% of everything.
i think you guys mainly just need to talk to each other on what you want/expect longterm (marriage, etc.) and what you both will be doing to work towards being ready for it (and what you would like from the other).

 

[CukiMonstersBabyMama]

I wasnt asked to move out...I decided to do it on my own.. he dont want me to move out

I'm going to be pretty blunt, so I apologize if this comes off as insensitive.


IMHO, he's tired of carrying your weight. I don't know if he has dropped hints to let you know throughout the last few years, but it sounds to me like he is uncomfortable knowing he IS (and possibly WILL) be the only one paying all the bills. He sounds scared. Some men are comfortable with the SAHM/W/GF thing, some are not, and it seems to me that he is not.

Also, by saying you need to "prove you can carry weight," it sounds to me like he is saying=I need to make sure I am not marrying a user/slacker (not saying that women who don't work are this BTW, just making a point).

If it were *me,* I'd communicate the expectations of your (future) marriage. It sounds to me like you're the type of woman that 'wants to be taken care of,' while he is the type of man that expects a woman to contribute. Doesn't make him a bad person, he just needs to better express this.

 

[MD_Lady]

Speaking from personal experience, you have to learn to have faith in yourself without needing a trial run. I moved right from my parents house into my/DH's house. Even though I'd never had to juggle a mortgage and all the other bills that come along with owning home (not to say that I didn't have bills at my parents house), I never doubted that I'd be able to rise to the occasion and keep our finances in check. To this day, even though DH had over a decade's experience paying rent or a mortgage, I'm the one in charge of our bills.

As far as your SO goes, 4 years is a long time for someone to live with a person and have them (in essence) feel that you are not responsible enough to maintain a household. You also say that you've asked him to marry you "so many times", that you feel guilty about living with him w/o being married, and that you "really, really want to get married". SO's feelings aside, are YOU sure that by marrying him that you'd be doing the right thing with the right person for the right reason?

 

[MizzBrown]

Well, CAN you "carry him" when he goes off to Med school?

He carried you for four years and if yall were married, and the decision was made for him to go to Med school to better his career and become the sole breadwinner then as a wife, you'd have to support his dream right?

I kind of see his point.

The money he has been spending on you is gonna have to cease cause he needs to go to Med School and get his career in order....will you be able to pay a few bills while he's in school?

Or did you get so dependent on him in the last 4 years that he feels you can't maintain the household while he cuts back so he can finish his education?

Nothing wrong with that...

 

[LisaLisa1908]

I have a few questions:

1. What is moving out supposed to do? Show that you can take care of a household? Why would you need to move to do that?

2. Why do you keep asking him to marry you? Do you have a ring? Has he brought up the subject? If he's about to go to medical school, what kind of marriage do you think you're going to have if he's already thinking you're irresponsible?

3. ARE you financially irresponsible? I mean, maybe what he's saying has some merit. And maybe, he's trying to slide out of the relationship. You know your SO best; I'm just wondering why after four years of shacking, NOW you want the marriage and now he's balking. Sounds suspect to me.