Why I am losing hope in men...

[A.Marie]

I’ve been divorced for almost 2 years now, am not seeing anyone and basically hang out with friends. I have this married friend that I’ve known for about 5 years now and I talk to him about everything. He has really become close to me, very close and he and his family are about to leave the country in like 2 months. (He found job in other country). So recently he has been asking me to go on trips with him (“change of environment would do me good, etc”) and I have always said no, thinking nothing much of it. Until yesterday, he sat me down and told me (I’m summarizing things here) that he is running out of time and we should do some “coloring” before he goes. I could not believe it and I'm still in shock. I thought I knew him well and from our conversations I know he is happily married. I know he is not perfect but I thought he was the one decent guy I knew. I thought I knew him well and from our conversations I know he is happily married. I guess I was VERY, VERY wrong. This is what really scares me and one of the reasons I don’t EVER want to get married again. I’m so disappointed
Why do men do this?

I am saying this out of love. I am not in agreement with this situation. You are divorced and have allowed yourself to become close to a married man. Hello, red flag. Although you insist that you are disappointed in him, you have allowed yourself to become emotionally vulnerable to this man. He has a wife and kids, leave him alone. The friendship is OVER! It almost sounds like you are sad because he is leaving the country. Do yourself a favor and halt all conversations and meetings with this man. Do not block your blessings by continuing to participate in this type of behavior.

 

[Lucie]

He just sent me an email.

I’m really sorry if I offended you. I was playing around and I do admit it was in bad taste. You know I see you like one of my sisters. I am NOT attracted to you in that way and you know this. I think you are taking the situation a bit too seriously. I was having a really bad day and I was stressed. I was wrong and I am truly sorry. It will not happen again. Please can we meet and discuss this after work.

When I am stressed I don't come onto to my friends. Does his wife's friends come onto her as well, when they are stressed? Discuss this after work? Is he serious?

 

[Caramela]

You sound tempted .... yet still strong enough to think with a level head. Tell him that you all don't have much time left before he moves so you may as well DISCONTINUE the friendship now. Stay away!!
Furthermore, don't lose your faith in men, just don't put anything past one.

 

[prettyFine]

sadly dude is not who you thought he was. not decent in the least. i pattern myself to not get close to any married dude. and i would let that dude know that his advances offended me. give him your view of how dissapointed you are so he'll get confirmation that what he's doing is horrible and senseless and hopefullly think twice about coming on to other women. if you are that close to him as you say this won't be a problem and it will hopefully shame his cheating ###. i see he was planning this all along while you were just going about your business. no he's not what you thought he was. and lastly i felt the same you did. but not all men are like that. just be glad you are not married to that homewrecker.

 

[exoticmommie]

I don't have much to add since great advice has been given but I must say that this man is disgusting to me, especially since you are friends with this wife as well. He doesn't even have the tiniest bit of respect to at least not mess with a mutual friend. That right there tells me he has done this before, he is too bold...

 

[healthynhappy]

He just sent me an email.

I’m really sorry if I offended you. I was playing around and I do admit it was in bad taste. You know I see you like one of my sisters. I am NOT attracted to you in that way and you know this. I think you are taking the situation a bit too seriously. I was having a really bad day and I was stressed. I was wrong and I am truly sorry. It will not happen again. Please can we meet and discuss this after work.

He really doesn't get it.

Either that, or his *** is scared as crap that you are going to tell his wife.

 

[Tylove101]

Why do men do this?

Because they think they can get away with it.

and some women don't think enough of themselves not to fall for the BS! Run girl.. he ended the friendship when he did this.

 

[Lovelylife]

He thought that he had a chance.

 

[prettyFine]

He really doesn't get it.

Either that, or his *** is scared as crap that you are going to tell his wife.

he isn't stupid in the least. he's been playin this chic. he gets it really well. he just don't care about wrecking his own home to get it . to the original poster this dude is one of those chasers. even after all that he's still chasing you by asking to meet up again. how pathetic. send him back home. he'll keep trying with someother chics and get caught. wifey will find out and it won't be nice. if they stay together. like someone else said he's to bold he's done this before. so you run before you get caught up in his mess.

 

[bongolady]

I didn’t meet him after work nor did I pick up his calls. His wife called me later on and said that Mr man was not in a good mood and when she asked him why. He said that me and him had a misunderstanding about something stupid he said. So I asked her if he told her exactly what he said to me and she said “No, he says that it was something silly and you took it too much to heart”. Then she asked me if I was coming along for a trip that they have planned this weekend. I told her that they should have some family time together and that I’d be busy with some work commitments. I’m thinking maybe I should tell her ... But something tell me that it’s best I don’t. For now I’ll keep my distance.

P.S. This is the same guy who buys me books like T.D. Jakes’ Promises from God for single women. He even bought me the Holy Bible, (Woman Thou Art Loosed Edition) and tells me to read it every day and I shouldn’t forget to pray. Last week he was even on some tip about me having some “ME” time and how I should avoid going on dates with guys until I get rid of any anger or bitterness that I harbor towards my ex-husband.

Sorry for going on and on. Thank you all for your invaluable advice.

 

[MizzBrown]

I didn’t meet him after work nor did I pick up his calls. His wife called me later on and said that Mr man was not in a good mood and when she asked him why. He said that me and him had a misunderstanding about something stupid he said. So I asked her if he told her exactly what he said to me and she said “No, he says that it was something silly and you took it too much to heart”. Then she asked me if I was coming along for a trip that they have planned this weekend. I told her that they should have some family time together and that I’d be busy with some work commitments. I’m thinking maybe I should tell her ... But something tell me that it’s best I don’t. For now I’ll keep my distance.

P.S. This is the same guy who buys me books like T.D. Jakes’ Promises from God for single women. He even bought me the Holy Bible, (Woman Thou Art Loosed Edition) and tells me to read it every day and I shouldn’t forget to pray. Last week he was even on some tip about me having some “ME” time and how I should avoid going on dates with guys until I get rid of any anger or bitterness that I harbor towards my ex-husband.

Sorry for going on and on. Thank you all for your invaluable advice.

I'm sorry but the bolded just had me Its funny because i speak from experience.

 

[A.Marie]

I didn’t meet him after work nor did I pick up his calls. His wife called me later on and said that Mr man was not in a good mood and when she asked him why. He said that me and him had a misunderstanding about something stupid he said. So I asked her if he told her exactly what he said to me and she said “No, he says that it was something silly and you took it too much to heart”. Then she asked me if I was coming along for a trip that they have planned this weekend. I told her that they should have some family time together and that I’d be busy with some work commitments. I’m thinking maybe I should tell her ... But something tell me that it’s best I don’t. For now I’ll keep my distance.

P.S. This is the same guy who buys me books like T.D. Jakes’ Promises from God for single women. He even bought me the Holy Bible, (Woman Thou Art Loosed Edition) and tells me to read it every day and I shouldn’t forget to pray. Last week he was even on some tip about me having some “ME” time and how I should avoid going on dates with guys until I get rid of any anger or bitterness that I harbor towards my ex-husband.Sorry for going on and on. Thank you all for your invaluable advice.

^^^ for him buying you books.


I'm proud of you.

 

[Duchesse]

This is why I don't have any male non-related friends. They always have something tricksy going on.

I'm laughing at how this dude is probably scared to death that you are going to go into detail with his wife.

 

[Makenzie]

He just sent me an email.

I’m really sorry if I offended you. I was playing around and I do admit it was in bad taste. You know I see you like one of my sisters. I am NOT attracted to you in that way and you know this. I think you are taking the situation a bit too seriously. I was having a really bad day and I was stressed. I was wrong and I am truly sorry. It will not happen again. Please can we meet and discuss this after work.

Oh please! If he considers you like a sister he must be into incest. Me and my brother never talk about sexually being with one another. He's trying to flip the script and put you on the defensive. DON'T FALL FOR IT!

I didn’t meet him after work nor did I pick up his calls. His wife called me later on and said that Mr man was not in a good mood and when she asked him why. He said that me and him had a misunderstanding about something stupid he said. So I asked her if he told her exactly what he said to me and she said “No, he says that it was something silly and you took it too much to heart”. Then she asked me if I was coming along for a trip that they have planned this weekend. I told her that they should have some family time together and that I’d be busy with some work commitments. I’m thinking maybe I should tell her ... But something tell me that it’s best I don’t. For now I’ll keep my distance.

P.S. This is the same guy who buys me books like T.D. Jakes’ Promises from God for single women. He even bought me the Holy Bible, (Woman Thou Art Loosed Edition) and tells me to read it every day and I shouldn’t forget to pray. Last week he was even on some tip about me having some “ME” time and how I should avoid going on dates with guys until I get rid of any anger or bitterness that I harbor towards my ex-husband.

Sorry for going on and on. Thank you all for your invaluable advice.

First bolded - next time tell his wife to find out what exactly he said and see if she takes it as a joke. I don't see that happening.

second bolded - he saw you as an opportunity because of your vulnerability. Men are scum that way. He did and said all the right things so that when his true colors came out he could say 'no you taking it the wrong way. You know I did this that and the other for you and remember all those conversations we had and I was the one to help you.'blah:

 

[LadyPaniolo]

Ole boy is shook. That's why he sent that email saying it was just a joke... he wanted to cover his bases in case a call to the wife was sent. And he went home in a funk on PURPOSE so his wife would ask what was wrong and he could give his side of the story FIRST. That way wifey would be more apt to believe his BS than if she heard what went down. He was just covering his tracks.

I bet he's kicking himself now, wondering what he could have said or done differently to get the panties.

ETA: I think lots of ladies in this thread have been a bit harsh on OP for remaining friends with this man. It's not like she met him at the bar and he wanted to be friends. She had been friends with both him and his wife when she was married, and remained friends after the divorce. That's not such a crime. Yes, most married men who befriend women are looking for a side piece, but not all of them. I have a platonic male friend I've been friends with for YEARS and he has zero interest in me that way. He's spent the night over at the house with me and DH several times, nothing untoward was ever said or done. It can happen, not ALL men are pieces of poop. Just the vast majority.

 

[zora]

Ole boy is shook. That's why he sent that email saying it was just a joke... he wanted to cover his bases in case a call to the wife was sent. And he went home in a funk on PURPOSE so his wife would ask what was wrong and he could give his side of the story FIRST. That way wifey would be more apt to believe his BS than if she heard what went down. He was just covering his tracks.

I bet he's kicking himself now, wondering what he could have said or done differently to get the panties.

ETA: I think lots of ladies in this thread have been a bit harsh on OP for remaining friends with this man. It's not like she met him at the bar and he wanted to be friends. She had been friends with both him and his wife when she was married, and remained friends after the divorce. That's not such a crime. Yes, most married men who befriend women are looking for a side piece, but not all of them. I have a platonic male friend I've been friends with for YEARS and he has zero interest in me that way. He's spent the night over at the house with me and DH several times, nothing untoward was ever said or done. It can happen, not ALL men are pieces of poop. Just the vast majority.

I still don't believe in being close friends with married men, but I do think the circumstances in how you befriended are a little different. I for one, am proud of the OP for refusing his advances and having the courage to post this. A lot of us have made mistakes in the past and learned the hard way. Let's continue to support one another without making judgements.

OP, you know what the deal is now. This guy is an *** hole. You deserve much better. I wouldn't say anything to the wife. Just leave it alone. She'll find out soon enough about his ways.

 

[NYAmicas]

My goodness OP, this guy sounds so much like scum. And he's crafty like a fox too! Telling you you imagined him coming on to you (and I believe you, not that jive email he sent about you not being able to take a joke) then giving his wife the same impression to cover his tracks like the other posters said. What a creep. And the kind that will be so slick his wife will think you're tripping too.

 

[-Volare]

I still don't believe in being close friends with married men, but I do think the circumstances in how you befriended are a little different. I for one, am proud of the OP for refusing his advances and having the courage to post this. A lot of us have made mistakes in the past and learned the hard way. Let's continue to support one another without making judgements.

OP, you know what the deal is now. This guy is an *** hole. You deserve much better. I wouldn't say anything to the wife. Just leave it alone. She'll find out soon enough about his ways.

Right. My best friend is a male and has been my bf for as long as I can remember. I'm not gonna just drop him because he gets married. But I understand that's a little different then befriending an older, already married man later on in life. This sounds like a bad TP play, move on and let the wife deal with the loser.

 

[~~HoneyComb~~]

Right. My best friend is a male and has been my bf for as long as I can remember. I'm not gonna just drop him because he gets married. But I understand that's a little different then befriending an older, already married man later on in life. This sounds like a bad TP play, move on and let the wife deal with the loser.

What if he has to drop you because he is married? How would you feel?

 

[-Volare]

What if he has to drop you because he is married? How would you feel?

I'd be hurt of course, but if those were her wishes then he should respect them. If those were his wishes (which they wouldn't be because he's always been like my brother) - I wouldn't even know where to begin with that one.

 

[Bunny77]

To me, I think it's about the level of friendship, not the friendship itself.

I was friends with a guy before he got married. Now, one thing that helps is that we live in two different states now, so it's not like we can even see each other on a regular basis. But if we were in the same area still, I would start backing away from the guy and keeping any friendship that we have VERY light... no discussing personal stuff, relationships, etc... limited calls, get togethers only with the wife present, etc.

I just would have to realize (and hopefully, he'd realize it first) that things have changed. It might suck, but that's a fact of life.

As for the OP, I'm sure she had no bad intentions and she knows better now about how to handle these things. She got too close to him in the fact that she told him everything and they were discussing very personal issues (her divorce/dating life/etc.). Those should be no-nos with married male friends.

But just basic infrequent and SHORT "Hey, how are you doing? I need a recommendation on a new car, etc." phone calls... I think that can be okay.

 

[weaveologist]

OP I feel you. This would leave a very bad taste in my mouth as well. Espiacally since he has been giving you literature to read and what not? What the bloodclot???

I also do not think your friendship is wrong since you and your ex were friends with him and his wife.

 

[~~HoneyComb~~]

I'd be hurt of course, but if those were her wishes then he should respect them. If those were his wishes (which they wouldn't be because he's always been like my brother) - I wouldn't even know where to begin with that one.

Fair enough

 

[MissJ]

I didn’t meet him after work nor did I pick up his calls. His wife called me later on and said that Mr man was not in a good mood and when she asked him why. He said that me and him had a misunderstanding about something stupid he said. So I asked her if he told her exactly what he said to me and she said “No, he says that it was something silly and you took it too much to heart”. Then she asked me if I was coming along for a trip that they have planned this weekend. I told her that they should have some family time together and that I’d be busy with some work commitments. I’m thinking maybe I should tell her ... But something tell me that it’s best I don’t. For now I’ll keep my distance.

P.S. This is the same guy who buys me books like T.D. Jakes’ Promises from God for single women. He even bought me the Holy Bible, (Woman Thou Art Loosed Edition) and tells me to read it every day and I shouldn’t forget to pray. Last week he was even on some tip about me having some “ME” time and how I should avoid going on dates with guys until I get rid of any anger or bitterness that I harbor towards my ex-husband.

Sorry for going on and on. Thank you all for your invaluable advice.

Like I said, he was scared you were going to tell the wife, so he nipped that right in the bud.