Married for 10 years but I think its OVER

[SilverSurfer]

What happened to "for richer or poorer, in good times and bad, in sickness and health".....???

Poorer, bad times and sickness represents what *will* happen in most marriages at some point! It's unrealistic to believe that you can cruise thru 40 or 50 years of marriage without drama, some more serious than others.

If your not willing to go thru the bad phases of marriage then you must ask yourself 'why did I get married?' 'What did I really expect would happen after the I do's?'

JMHO <9 years married>

Sent from my DROIDX using DROIDX

I completely agree with EMJazzy.

A friend once said, "in a marriage, the man should give 100% of himself and the woman should give 100% of herself to make a marriage work. However, there will come a time when one partner will fall short and the other partner will have to carry the relationship 200% on their own in order to get through some tough and rough times".

I know it's not easy. Stay positive and be strong.

 

[Windsy]

Your husband wants out of this marriage and I say give it to him....I'm a big supporter of trying to work your marriage out but reality is that this wasn't a marriage from the get go....it was a living situation via a marriage license.

Good luck!

 

[lusciouslocks]

(((((hugs)))))

You've gotten great advice in this thread from really knowledgeable ladies. I don't have much to add except to protect yourself in the off chance that there is intimacy. Odds are that he is not celibate, although you may be...

I hate that you're going through this. Good luck and take care.

 

[MD_Lady]

...@ TayMac, When he said he didn't want to go back to counseling, I didn't back down with that so he said "I guess where getting a divorce" it’s all about control. The fact that we don't have any kids is good but it’s just a slap in the face that I've spent all these years with him thinking we would be together and have a family. He so easily said I guess where getting a divorce. I wish he would have told me sooner. I feel like I've wasted so many years on him...

erplexed Those are really strong words Nikkie. Since he brought this up (and it's been on your mind), I think the two of you need to have a SERIOUS conversation about whether your marriage should continue. Taking pot shots is one thing, but taking the steps to actually end the marriage is a completely different ball game.

 

[Zaynab]

Oh wow, he moved to the spare bedroom by choice? I'm sorry. To me that's unacceptable, very controlling, and a way of withholding companionship and affection. I'm really sorry. I don't know what to say.

Very passive aggressive

 

[ellebelle88]

Oh wow...OP, sorry you are going through this. I have a question, does he do anything special for you? Birthdays, valentines, Anniversaries? Do you all celebrate those days? Do you all go out to dinner? If so, who pays?

 

[caltron]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. The fact that he is not cooperating with counseling is really giving you no choice. You can't continue to be unhappy for another 10 years.

 

[lux10023]

he sounds very controlling and manipulating--anddddd you guys dont even have childrennnnnn.....

i wouldnt be surprised if he has a heavy stash of $$$--he seems to just be worried about you keeping a job...and he hasnt surpported you on bettering yourself...
not to be harsh--but it appears youve been a doormat for yrs

and a family telling you to stay in a unhappy marriage is insane... 10 long yrsssssssss

ppl are suggesting stay....*** 10 yrssssssss...10 ****** yrsssss and nothing to show for it....

OP i wish you the best

 

[princessnad]

Nikkie

What are the positive things in your relationship?

 

[Champ]

@ Ellebelle88. On anniversaries we usually go out to eat and it's taken out of the joint. This last anniversary he didn't get me anything though. Birthdays have been the same for as long as I can remember. We set out a certain amount of money and we both get the same amount. Wow typing this all out really sounds so bad.

@ EMJazzy. I hear you and that's why I haven't ran out the door already. I really want to fight for my marriage but in a way I feel like thats what I've been doing all this time. Let's say I do keep trying and he still gives nothing, won't that just make him worse. I can't help but think about 10-15 years down the line. I'm always the one trying to make things right with him. I want to know how it feels to have someone want to fight for me.

princessnad. He's been there for me during some difficult time's in my life. I will never forget that.

To all of you. I just wanted to say THANKYOU to all of you for the great advice I've been receiving. I really appreciate this!!!

 

[curlycoquette]

I know this is a sensitive question, but do you believe he has remained faithful to you? I'm asking because you two have become a pair of roommates of sorts, not having sex and sleeping in separate rooms. Those can sometimes be the red flags of an affair.

 

[Champ]

I know this is a sensitive question, but do you believe he has remained faithful to you? I'm asking because you two have become a pair of roommates of sorts, not having sex and sleeping in separate rooms. Those can sometimes be the red flags of an affair.

The thought has crossed my mind, his behaivor does concern me that he's having an affair. I even did some detective work, but I didn't find anything. He's also a home body, if he's not a work than he's at home or the gym etc. I know his routine.

 

[thecurlycamshow]

You have to do what is right for you. Your family is not married to him and this is your life not theirs. The only advice I have for you is to follow your heart and seek counseling for yourself. He may not be willing to seek counsel but you may want to for yourself. *hugs*

 

[RossBoss]

Your husband wants out of this marriage and I say give it to him....I'm a big supporter of trying to work your marriage out but reality is that this wasn't a marriage from the get go....it was a living situation via a marriage license.

Good luck!

I'm glad you said this before me. As I was reading it, I kept seeing a man who clearly does not want to be married anymore.

OP, don't delay the inevitable.

 

[hopeful]

Hang in there Nikkie
2012 will be better one way or the other. And I agree, both of you have to want things to work and he should be fighting to keep you and to keep you happy. (((hugs))). I hope things improve. Get through the holidays the best you can, then in 2012 start taking action: counseling for you, get your money extra straight, prayer, visiting lawyers, apartment hunting, investigate going back to school, etc.

 

[cherryhair123]

If you are going to seek wisdom about marriage, then the best people to talk to are MARRIED COUPLES. Be willing to be honest with yourself if there are some things you need to change just like you want your hubby to be.

God Bless...

Married Couples as well as some of us divorced couples who now realize in hindsight we could have done some things differently
It's hard to be married...but it's hard to be unmarried as well so carefully consider the pros and cons

 

[MuziqizLyfe]

I was married to a similar man for almost 15 years. Controlling and passive aggressive men are the worst. To many people on the outside, they seem perfectly fine. Everybody wants you to try and make it work because they don't do things overtly like cheating, abuse, etc. However, what they do is isolate you in your own home. For someone that's never experienced true isolation and loneliness in a marriage, let me tell you...it is HELL.

I'm not saying to end your marriage but there has to be love and friendship as a foundation to "get through the hard times" as someone said. Take time to really think about this and think about your health and happiness and what you guys have between you. If there is something there to build on then start repairing your marriage. If not and this marriage is truly over then start working on how to get out. Do not set up road blocks to prevent you from finding true happiness in your life. New city, don't know anyone, etc. Stop thinking about how many years have passed and think of the years ahead and if you want to continue to live like this for the rest of your life. It's hard to see what it will be like on the other side, it took a long time and lots of grieving before I was able to go through with it but life on the other side is wonderful!

 

[divachyk]

I pray all works out -- (((hugs)))

I didn't read the entire thread so this may be a duplicate. Perhaps try talking to him about what caused the marital changes throughout the years and focus on repairing those issues.

I think your marital issues need resolving before bringing another life into the mix.

Both must be willing to make it work for it work. Be encouraged.

 

[naturalgyrl5199]

(((Hugs)))

I've been married 4.5 yrs and with hubby since I was 18...a total of almost 13 yrs...its very hard. If you divorce him you will feel defeated initially. But the sun won't stop shining! God is still God and even in the bible Jesus has a word on marriage. Read 1 Corinthians 7:10-16.

Whatever you do, make sure you go to God 1st about ending this marriage. Ask your husband what has God revealed to him about this marriage. I believe you can't stay married to someone who doesn't want to be married but I think you guys need to explore his true frustration. I sense a little of him projecting his frustration on you about something. You also may need a better therapist. You are both frustrated and while this is salvageable, your ability to save it depends on the both of you. I've seen things turn around from the very edge.....something is missing here....but if you both can't find the words, ask God for the words....the scripture I listed said you must be able to live in peace.

Much love


Sent from my iPhone 4 using LHCF

 

[candy626]

I’ve been thinking about ending my marriage of 10 years. Our relationship hasn’t always been bad but it’s the worse it’s been in years and I feel like I’m the only one trying to make it work. We’ve always been able to excel in our careers and come together to make tough decisions about non relationship issues but when it comes to our relationship, were more like roommates than a married couple. Romance is rare and I have to initiate. He’s become comfortable doing little to nothing and were sleeping in separate rooms.

It really bothers me that I have no voice when it comes to the finances and we have nothing together as far as savings. If I ask him for money, he treats it like a loan. Our joint account is only used to pay bills. The bills our divided evenly down to the penny monthly. I have no problem with us keeping separate accounts because I’ve always felt it’s important to have my own, but I do wish we worked together to save for our future. Every aspect of our finances, he has to control and if I want to change something he never agrees to it.

About two years ago I wanted to go back to school full time and finish my degree. He didn’t support me at all because he said I needed to keep my job. It really hurt me that he didn’t support me when I decided to do something to better the both of us. It’s like all he thinks about is money and what will benefit him. I’ve always felt like well he’s a good guy so I will deal with this to keep the peace although it’s always bothered me.

I’ve been unhappy for a while but what made me want to give up is his selfish attitude about starting a family. It’s always been important to me to have children and my husband said he wanted children as well. Well earlier this year we talked about starting a family this fall. When October came we sat down and he had a ton of excuses about why he’s doesn’t think I was ready to have children but he is. He wants me to promise him I will keep my job once we start a family. I was so angry and hurt by his comment, we got in a big fight and he stormed out and said I had no reason to be upset. I'm not going to back down about this and I think he's so stubborn to admit that he's wrong he would rather end our marraige. The fact that keeping my job was more important to him than having our first child changed the way I looked at him.

We’ve tried counseling but all he did was fuss with the counselor in the session. After two sessions he said he didn’t want to go back because we didn’t need it and it was not helping. He suggested that we get a divorce if we just can’t solve our own problems. I’m so confused if I should stay or leave because I’ve been with him for 10 year. We were very young when we married and I think that I just didn’t know him the way I thought I did. He hasn’t always been like this and I guess I’m just hoping things will get better. I swear it seems like he’s not even the man I married. Am I just being too sensitive? Thanks in advance for the advice.

I'd leave him he sounds lilke an a** (no offense). From the way you presented your story, it sounds like he just wants to control and manipulate you and is investing very little into the relationship. This is not a a man you want to have kids with.

If he's not willing to go back to counseling, I say end the marraige so you can start life with someone who wants a real partnership and shares a mutual vision for raising a family.

 

[cmw45]

While I am certainly no expert, it sounds like your husband is already planning for the divorce by A) making sure that your assets stay separate, B) making sure you keep your employment and C) sleeping in the separate bedroom. ALL of these things would making getting a divorce a LOT easier (for him) and DRAMATICALLY reduce the likelihood that he will have to pay spousal support at the point that he can definitively prove that 1) there is no communal property (as indicated by point A), 2) that you have been physically separated for quite some time (as indicated by point C) and 3) that throughout the marriage you were self reliant and relied on no part of his income for financial support (as indicated by point B). The fact that he attended two (2) counseling sessions and did not refuse outright initially would also seem to suggest that he was doing it to shore up the appearance of efforts to "work things out" before ending the marriage.

Again, while my thoughts, based on the limited information that you have provided, should in no way be construed as legal advice, I would certainly suggest that you contact a divorce attorney if you have not already.

I wish I had other advice. My heart goes out to you. I pray that this will just have been a trail in your life and that the best is still in front of you.