Married/Committed Men and Me.... Why does it keep happening?/ VENT

[Poohbear]

Hmm... Yeah if you dont think the story sounds right, I dont know what to tell you lol. I just stated it as it happened. And who said I was eventhinking about having sex? erplexed I wasn't even thinking about that. For what it's worth, he definitely did say that we should "DEFINITELY meet up" lol...in fact he said it twice. You're right... Meet up could mean anything.... Now that I think about it, I've actually been exchanging similar texts with another male friend of mine since I moved up here, he's a friend from undergrad and he's married to one of my good friends from undergrad. We're purely platonic, and I would have probably viewed this other guy in a similar sense had I known he was married when we first met

It seems like you and I have different idea of what it means to "go after someone".... I don't remember who decided that we should exchange numbers... Either way I sent ONE text, that was literally "Hey, whaddup, I'm here...." he pretty much took it from there.

And the meetup is def not school related, we're at the same university but completely different programs. He's in investment banking, I'm in medicine... Not much overlap there. But I realize those types of ppl are like obsessed with networking, so maybe it was in the back of his mind... Who knows.

Sorry for the long post, I just feel the need to defend myself cuz it feels like you're implying I'm reaching and I don't think I was. Usually I'm pretty good at picking up when a guy is interested. Like I said I was viewing the texts in the context within which we met.... Everyone knows there's more to flirting than just what is said...eye contact, body language, closeness etc.

No problem. Thanks for explaining more. It just threw me off a bit after reading other comments you made in this thread like "He has the SAME NAME (first and last) as one of the other trifling men who was continuously hitting me up in college" and "I just don't know why I keep attracting these knuckleheads". You made it like he was pursuing you strongly or something and that you had nothing at all to do with pursuing him. He didn't initially contact you, you initially contacted him, so it's kinda different. I don't know. Maybe there's more to the story than you're expressing here.

I mentioned "hook up for sex" because that's usually what cheating married man do, isn't it? Why else would you be all upset about finding out he was married? If you did not find out he was married, sex would have been brought up eventually. And then other ladies chiming in about this married man cheating so that's why I said that. I wasn't saying you personally were thinking about having sex.

Poohbear, you are right this story does not sound right yet I believe the man's side is the one that is not right.

Him being out at 3am is not an issue with me because both my husband and I go out at times. No married man should be out exchanging cell numbers with new women IMO. If he felt the need to network with her then he should have made it clear from the moment the conversation began that he was a married man. It is not ok for my husband to be out flirting with anyone. I know he is not blind and will still find someone attractive, but flirting is crossing the line.

Not too many married men are looking at a young attractive woman as a networking opportunity unless she is employed in upper management or HR where he is interested in working.

Yes, I could see this side of the story too about the married man being out this late and saying he was moving in with a roommate. Just from the initial post I read, it just didn't seem like he was pursuing her really very strong.

 

[TrueToHair]

.......................

 

[chocolat79]

OP, you met a trifling dude, plain and simple. It's no reflection on you and he was wrong by allowing you to think he was available. How hard would it have been for him to say that he and his wife were moving up there? Or if she wasn't, that he was moving but she was staying? Also, if he's in investment banking and wanted to network or whatever, I'm SURE he had business cards, so he could've given you that, which I consider more formal.

I've met a few married or taken guys in the past and none of them had been forthcoming until a while later, IF at all. I met a guy online who was actually married, but posing as single, EVEN after I asked him point blank.

So, in short, it's not you. These dudes are opportunists and if you look like a good opportunity, they'll try it. Please don't think it's you.

 

[Charz]

i always thought u were in a relationship?

 

[StarScream35]

I'm wondering if you are like me...........like super nice and men find it easy to talk to you and once the talking starts the rest is history kinda thing. I feel like I attract the worst men in the world............married, old farts, playas, men in relationships etc and the thing is, I am totally not like that. I'm actually pretty conservative about who I date ect. But as I have gotten older, I take more notes on myself I realize I am super nice and tend to throw out positive vibes and people (not just men) love this. Unfortunately it has its good and bad. Men see this as a weakness of sorts. They likely feel like they can get away with more with this kinda girl. I dunno, just an observation.

 

[Theo]

i always thought u were in a relationship?

Yeah I broke up with my ex a few months ago. We dated for about 2 yrs. He was a really nice guys, I just needed some space

 

[LovinLea]

I'm assuming that you are young. These guys go looking for young women on purpose because they are naive. I remember freshman year in college, older men were at the same parties that I was at (Red Flag #1) and it was exciting because they were attractive, successful or on their way there, had cars, but they also had children/fiances/wives/LDRs/LTRs...you name it.

It's them. Not you.

 

[Theo]

No problem. Thanks for explaining more. It just threw me off a bit after reading other comments you made in this thread like "He has the SAME NAME (first and last) as one of the other trifling men who was continuously hitting me up in college" and "I just don't know why I keep attracting these knuckleheads". You made it like he was pursuing you strongly or something and that you had nothing at all to do with pursuing him. He didn't initially contact you, you initially contacted him, so it's kinda different. I don't know. Maybe there's more to the story than you're expressing here.

I mentioned "hook up for sex" because that's usually what cheating married man do, isn't it? Why else would you be all upset about finding out he was married? If you did not find out he was married, sex would have been brought up eventually. And then other ladies chiming in about this married man cheating so that's why I said that. I wasn't saying you personally were thinking about having sex.


Yes, I could see this side of the story too about the married man being out this late and saying he was moving in with a roommate. Just from the initial post I read, it just didn't seem like he was pursuing her really very strong.

Hmm... yea I agree, he really hasn't been pursued me. Aside from the party from before, just friendly text messages... nothing flirtatious at all. Actually he's really polite and quite the gentleman. I guess I'm a little sensitive to this sort of thing, and given my past experiences, I did just assume the worst. I have no doubt that he was attracted to me at one point in time, but like some people have said in the thread, that doesn't have to mean anything.

He sent me a text earlier to ask I wanted to meet up this Friday evening, or possibly do lunch or early dinner next wk. I haven't initiated any contact between us since my initial text to let him know I was here. So.... that was all him.

Its just weird, since I wouldn't have even known he was married if I hadn't thought to look him up on FB. He could have written me the same text message and I would have interpreted it very differently. Its weird how the mind works you know?

 

[Poohbear]

Hmm... yea I agree, he really hasn't been pursued me. Aside from the party from before, just friendly text messages... nothing flirtatious at all. Actually he's really polite and quite the gentleman. I guess I'm a little sensitive to this sort of thing, and given my past experiences, I did just assume the worst. I have no doubt that he was attracted to me at one point in time, but like some people have said in the thread, that doesn't have to mean anything.

He sent me a text earlier to ask I wanted to meet up this Friday evening, or possibly do lunch or early dinner next wk. I haven't initiated any contact between us since my initial text to let him know I was here. So.... that was all him.

Its just weird, since I wouldn't have even known he was married if I hadn't thought to look him up on FB. He could have written me the same text message and I would have interpreted it very differently. Its weird how the mind works you know?

freelove

You should text him back saying, "That would be great! You should bring your wife along so I can meet her!"

Then see how he reacts. That'll really throw him for a loop if he's trying to keep his wife a secret.

 

[TopShelf]

There are millions of men in this world.....so if you meet 500 who are married and try to hit on you, it doesn't mean that you're giving off any "vibe". Most people are attached in some way or another to someone else when you meet them, some in LTRs and some are married, and others are just dating. Its rare that you will find someone who is %100 available. What matters is what you do when you find out what their situation is. Lucie is right, stop paying attention to the fact that all of the past men were unavailable and will an available man into your world. Good Luck!!

 

[jeanghrey]

I'm wondering if you are like me...........like super nice and men find it easy to talk to you and once the talking starts the rest is history kinda thing. I feel like I attract the worst men in the world............married, old farts, playas, men in relationships etc and the thing is, I am totally not like that. I'm actually pretty conservative about who I date ect. But as I have gotten older, I take more notes on myself I realize I am super nice and tend to throw out positive vibes and people (not just men) love this. Unfortunately it has its good and bad. Men see this as a weakness of sorts. They likely feel like they can get away with more with this kinda girl. I dunno, just an observation.

I don't think it's you it's just 90% of men fall into this category

 

[hopeful]

Yeah I broke up with my ex a few months ago. We dated for about 2 yrs. He was a really nice guys, I just needed some space

Freelove I'm confused. If you tend to attract unavailable men, why on earth would you break up with a nice guy who was avaiable and wanted to be in a relationship with you and had been for two years, only to restart the pattern of attracting unavailable men again? Why not work things out with an available guy who wanted you and I assume only you? And no, I don't really expect you to answer the question. This is just confusing to me.

 

[Theo]

Freelove I'm confused. If you tend to attract unavailable men, why on earth would you break up with a nice guy who was avaiable and wanted to be in a relationship with you and had been for two years, only to restart the pattern of attracting unavailable men again? Why not work things out with an available guy who wanted you and I assume only you? And no, I don't really expect you to answer the question. This is just confusing to me.

Kind of a long story, but basically he wanted to move things along towards marriage and I didn't.

I'm still pretty young and value the freedom that I have as a non-married woman. I still have a few things I want to accomplish in life before I get married, mostly personal/career goals, but I don't think that means I can't date in the mean time. I want to go on a few dates and have fun, but I do NOT want to do so with married men or men who are already committed. Its not THAT serious to me.

 

[silenttullip]

lol all you gotta do is ask up front from now on to avoid this... Just so you know married men flirt... Sometimes right IN FRONT OF THEIR WIVES and then stupid bas.... Anywho... My point is if you feel like he was flirting then he was... Some guys are just nice but if he complimented you more than once he was flirting and with the meeting up if he didn't tell you he was married which I'm sure you'd remember if he did then he was trying to screw her over... Even the "good" black men have their moments SMDH