Why I am losing hope in men...

[bongolady]

I’ve been divorced for almost 2 years now, am not seeing anyone and basically hang out with friends. I have this married friend that I’ve known for about 5 years now and I talk to him about everything. He has really become close to me, very close and he and his family are about to leave the country in like 2 months. (He found job in other country). So recently he has been asking me to go on trips with him (“change of environment would do me good, etc”) and I have always said no, thinking nothing much of it. Until yesterday, he sat me down and told me (I’m summarizing things here) that he is running out of time and we should do some “coloring” before he goes. I could not believe it and I'm still in shock. I thought I knew him well and from our conversations I know he is happily married. I know he is not perfect but I thought he was the one decent guy I knew. I thought I knew him well and from our conversations I know he is happily married. I guess I was VERY, VERY wrong. This is what really scares me and one of the reasons I don’t EVER want to get married again. I’m so disappointed
Why do men do this?

 

[LivingDoll]

Wow, I'm sorry. It sounds like he is playing on your vulnerability and trying to take advantage of the situation. It's for this reason that it's not a good idea for married men to have close friends/confidentes that are women...he sounds like a jerk. I'm glad you didn't fall for it.

 

[alexstin]

I’ve been divorced for almost 2 years now, am not seeing anyone and basically hang out with friends. I have this married friend that I’ve known for about 5 years now and I talk to him about everything. He has really become close to me, very close and he and his family are about to leave the country in like 2 months. (He found job in other country). So recently he has been asking me to go on trips with him (“change of environment would do me good, etc”) and I have always said no, thinking nothing much of it. Until yesterday, he sat me down and told me (I’m summarizing things here) that he is running out of time and we should do some “coloring” before he goes. I could not believe it and I'm still in shock. I thought I knew him well and from our conversations I know he is happily married. I know he is not perfect but I thought he was the one decent guy I knew. I thought I knew him well and from our conversations I know he is happily married. I guess I was VERY, VERY wrong. This is what really scares me and one of the reasons I don’t EVER want to get married again. I’m so disappointed
Why do men do this?

You mention "he has become close to me" RED FLAG #1. I wouldn't allow myself to become close to a married man. Where is his wife in all of this? What sort of relationship do you have with her? RED FLAG#2. He wants to take you on trips? Alone? I would have been out after that. That's not decent behavior on any street I've ever gone down.

If things are as black and white as you suggest then the clues were there all along, OP. He's not decent. Lose the "friend".

 

[~~HoneyComb~~]

Did his wife know that you two were friends? And if so, was she cool with your friendship?

It sounds as though dude was sneaking behind wife's back to talk to you, how did he have time to talk to you so much about everything?

I don't want to come down on you, but you need to let him go. I am a firm believer in not having friends of the opposite sex when you're married. I don't do it and my husband don't do it, it's very risky, and your situation happens a lot during these type of relationships.

I wouldn't lose hope on all men because of this, but in the future you might want to befriend single men that are not in committed relationships instead of married men.

 

[krikit96]

Honestly OP, not to be sounding all judgemental... but as a divorcé, you should know that you shouldn't be all "close" with another married woman's husband.

You can't be all that naive. I just don't see how. He belongs to another woman and there is no reason why you should have a married man as a BFF. There is NEVER a reason to be that close to some other woman's husband.

I agree with the poster who said you had plenty red flags...lose the friend.

 

[DarlingNikki]

Why do men do this?

Because they think they can get away with it.

 

[1Aleeesha]

Did his wife know that you two were friends? And if so, was she cool with your friendship?

It sounds as though dude was sneaking behind wife's back to talk to you, how did he have time to talk to you so much about everything?

I don't want to come down on you, but you need to let him go. I am a firm believer in not having friends of the opposite sex when you're married. I don't do it and my husband don't do it, it's very risky, and your situation happens a lot during these type of relationships.

I wouldn't lose hope on all men because of this, but in the future you might want to befriend single men that are not in committed relationships instead of married men.

Agreed Upon.

 

[lexi08]

Let this man go he is dead wrong because he is married. Also, realize you are partly to blame here as you should not have been friends with a married man.

 

[~~HoneyComb~~]

Honestly OP, not to be sounding all judgemental... but as a divorcé, you should know that you shouldn't be all "close" with another married woman's husband.

You can't be all that naive. I just don't see how. He belongs to another woman and there is no reason why you should have a married man as a BFF. There is NEVER a reason to be that close to some other woman's husband.

I agree with the poster who said you had plenty red flags...lose the friend.

I agree with the bolded

Remember when you were married--how would you have felt if your husband was doing this with a female friend? I'm sure you'd be very hurt. Put yourself in the wife's shoes. How do you think she would feel? Please show some considerations for her.

 

[GoingNatural]

i knew that was coming after reading the first sentence of your post

 

[~~HoneyComb~~]

You said you knew from his conversations that he was a happily married man. Happily married men don't have excess time to give to another woman. Another red flag.

 

[alexstin]

You said you knew from his conversations that he was a happily married man. Happily married men don't have excess time to give to another woman. Another red flag.

Girl, yes. I noticed that too. It shouldn't even be spoken in the same breath. Just take this as a lesson learned, OP.

 

[bongolady]

Honestly OP, not to be sounding all judgemental... but as a divorcé, you should know that you shouldn't be all "close" with another married woman's husband.

You can't be all that naive. I just don't see how. He belongs to another woman and there is no reason why you should have a married man as a BFF. There is NEVER a reason to be that close to some other woman's husband.

I agree with the poster who said you had plenty red flags...lose the friend.

We (my ex-husband and I and him and his wife) were all friends before my marriage fell apart and his wife and him have been there for me. I work with the guy and so we spend a lot of time together. We have been on work trips together before and nothing has ever happened. His wife knows that we are friends and she has never let on that she had a problem with me and him being friends. I just assumed they had a very secure marriage and she trusted him 100%. I guess I should have known better and seen the red flags but I didn’t expect this from him.

 

[~~HoneyComb~~]

Girl, yes. I noticed that too. It shouldn't even be spoken in the same breath. Just take this as a lesson learned, OP.

I keep my DH very busy in our marriage, the last thing he has time for is another woman, even if she was just a friend.

 

[~~HoneyComb~~]

We (my ex-husband and I and him and his wife) were all friends before my marriage fell apart and his wife and him have been there for me. I work with the guy and so we spend a lot of time together. We have been on work trips together before and nothing has ever happened. His wife knows that we are friends and she has never let on that she had a problem with me and him being friends. I just assumed they had a very secure marriage and she trusted him 100%. I guess I should have known better and seen the red flags but I didn’t expect this from him.

Like one poster said, he saw you as very vunerable, and decided to make his move.

And now that you know this, what are you going to do?

 

[Lucie]

Why would you let the actions of one man exasperate you? He was never your platonic friend. He waited for the right time to make his move. This has happened to me as well, but please don't let some jerk have you thinking they're all the same. Learn from this situation and KIM. ((( HUGS )))

 

[bongolady]

I did speak to him and told him that I felt very disrescepted but what he said. He is playing it off like he was just joking. I plan to lose him as a friend, keep my distance and learn the lesson. No more married men as friends.

 

[bongolady]

He just sent me an email.

I’m really sorry if I offended you. I was playing around and I do admit it was in bad taste. You know I see you like one of my sisters. I am NOT attracted to you in that way and you know this. I think you are taking the situation a bit too seriously. I was having a really bad day and I was stressed. I was wrong and I am truly sorry. It will not happen again. Please can we meet and discuss this after work.

 

[lexi08]

He just sent me an email.

I’m really sorry if I offended you. I was playing around and I do admit it was in bad taste. You know I see you like one of my sisters. I am NOT attracted to you in that way and you know this. I think you are taking the situation a bit too seriously. I was having a really bad day and I was stressed. I was wrong and I am truly sorry. It will not happen again. Please can we meet and discuss this after work.

I would not meet with him. What married man plays around like that Seems like he back tracked once he realized you were not on board with the idea. Cut the man loose don't take any chances

I hope this was not done using a work e-mail account. This situation could get really messy....

 

[CurliDiva]

I’ve been divorced for almost 2 years now, am not seeing anyone and basically hang out with friends. I have this married friend that I’ve known for about 5 years now and I talk to him about everything. He has really become close to me, very close and he and his family are about to leave the country in like 2 months. (He found job in other country). So recently he has been asking me to go on trips with him (“change of environment would do me good, etc”) and I have always said no, thinking nothing much of it. Until yesterday, he sat me down and told me (I’m summarizing things here) that he is running out of time and we should do some “coloring” before he goes. I could not believe it and I'm still in shock. I thought I knew him well and from our conversations I know he is happily married. I know he is not perfect but I thought he was the one decent guy I knew. I thought I knew him well and from our conversations I know he is happily married. I guess I was VERY, VERY wrong. This is what really scares me and one of the reasons I don’t EVER want to get married again. I’m so disappointed
Why do men do this?

Why are you investing your time (emotional energy) with a MARRIED man!

And why would you let this MARRIED man's behavior affect your future?

If you had a fat girl friend would you give up on exercising because "she" is out of shape?

IMO, it sounds like you are giving away your power.

Chaulk it up to him not being a "real" friend.

 

[MissJ]

I'm learning more and more that men only befriend women they want to "color" with.

 

[~~HoneyComb~~]

He just sent me an email.

I’m really sorry if I offended you. I was playing around and I do admit it was in bad taste. You know I see you like one of my sisters. I am NOT attracted to you in that way and you know this. I think you are taking the situation a bit too seriously. I was having a really bad day and I was stressed. I was wrong and I am truly sorry. It will not happen again. Please can we meet and discuss this after work.

What are you going to do?

 

[darlingdiva]

He just sent me an email.

I’m really sorry if I offended you. I was playing around and I do admit it was in bad taste. You know I see you like one of my sisters. I am NOT attracted to you in that way and you know this. I think you are taking the situation a bit too seriously. I was having a really bad day and I was stressed. I was wrong and I am truly sorry. It will not happen again. Please can we meet and discuss this after work.

Girl, don't believe that BS for a minute!!!!!!!!!!!!

He was NOT playing around.

He IS DEFINITELY attracted to you in that way.

Ole boy's ego is bruised & now he's flipping the script!!!

You are not taking the situation too seriously. Please learn your lesson from this and cut his sorry, trifling, doggish, no-good a** off at once!!!!

I'm so pissed that I am barely able to type. It really pisses me off how people take marriage & romantic relationships in general as a joke. Besides the aspect of people's feelings, what about health? Minorities have the highest rates in terms of STD's. One night of random pleasure can cost you your life.

 

[awhyley]

I'm learning more and more that men only befriend women they want to "color" with.

This is a good lesson to learn early.

Even though his wife knows you, and vice versa, you need to back off from this schemer. There's nothing to discuss, and this is what he should be told. If he saw you like his sister, he wouldn't have hit on you to begin with. The only question is whether or not you tell his wife, (and I would NOT advise against that, as it never goes well).

 

[CandiceC]

Keep your distance from him. What a snake... Thankfully he's only going to be in the country for another two months so you won't have to deal with this much longer.

 

[lexi08]

I'm learning more and more that men only befriend women they want to "color" with.

This is very true in alot of cases. I had a friendship with a man (single not in a relationship) end badly because I turned him down when he wanted to "color" with me

 

[MissJ]

Girl, don't believe that BS for a minute!!!!!!!!!!!!

He was NOT playing around.

He IS DEFINITELY attracted to you in that way.

Ole boy's ego is bruised & now he's flipping the script!!!

You are not taking the situation too seriously. Please learn your lesson from this and cut his sorry, trifling, doggish, no-good a** off at once!!!!

I'm so pissed that I am barely able to type. It really pisses me off how people take marriage & romantic relationships in general as a joke. Besides the aspect of people's feelings, what about health? Minorities have the highest rates in terms of STD's. One night of random pleasure can cost you your life.

No, he doesn't want you to tell his WIFE!

 

[kandake]

Whats up with these threads about women and married men. The "close" relationship/friendship. And then acting all surprised because all they really want to do is have sex.

Ladies, steer clear of "close" relationships with married men.

 

[JFemme]

What a mess...

I never forget that all male friends have peens, will travel.

Don't lose hope in men, OP...

Just fine tune your behavior, expectations...

 

[alexstin]

Girl, don't believe that BS for a minute!!!!!!!!!!!!

He was NOT playing around.

He IS DEFINITELY attracted to you in that way.

Ole boy's ego is bruised & now he's flipping the script!!!

You are not taking the situation too seriously. Please learn your lesson from this and cut his sorry, trifling, doggish, no-good a** off at once!!!!

I'm so pissed that I am barely able to type. It really pisses me off how people take marriage & romantic relationships in general as a joke. Besides the aspect of people's feelings, what about health? Minorities have the highest rates in terms of STD's. One night of random pleasure can cost you your life.

Exactly! He meant what he said and he said what he meant.