Why Do "They" Say: Marriage Is Better For Men And ...

[JustKiya]

Here's a question I've been going back and forth over with for a while, and I haven't settled on an answer just yet. If you're going to be an independent woman who doesn't live her life for her hubby and kids and is able to maintain her own identity, what's the point of being married other than for financial, emotional and sexual reasons? Is divorce knocking at this point because of resentment?

I guess the balance of sharing your life with your DH and actually having your own life are both important factors, but which is a priority? I think this is where I'm on the fence. My relationship/marriage with DH has always come first, but now I'm ready to start doing me, so how's a marriage possible if I make myself my first priority? I've remained this way out of fear that I'll actually go too far out being little "Mrs. Independent" and really lose site of my marriage.

I really look forward to hearing your responses....

Interesting and very good question!

Which is a priority changes from day to day, from situation to situation. Sometimes my life is a priority - I'm going on a weekend trip with the girls next weekend, even though he would rather that we went camping, instead.
Sometimes our life is a priority - I'll come home a little earlier than I would want to from a party, because he wants/needs me home.

It's a 24/7 balancing act, and the trick is to let one side or the other only dominate occasionally.

And depending on what you mean by 'Do You' - you can 100% do that, and still be married. DH has followed my career in the past couple of years - but I clearly see a future where I will be following his.

 

[deltagyrl]

Great thread! Wish it were around when I was in undergrad many moons ago.

I married someone who was deceptive and very, very selfish. As I result, I worked myself silly while he watched, helping out occasionally. I totally lost myself in that "marriage."

The other day I was trying to think of one benefit that I received as a result of our union and couldn't think of any. Yeah, the kids...blah, blah, blah. IMO, I could've had them with someone who actually wanted a family.

I'm definitely one of those 'happier and blossoming without him' chicks!

Wanted to add that at *least* we paid for our own wedding in full. I was adamant about not wanting debt from that.

 

[hopeful]

DivaDava, it is possible to do those things that bring you joy. You have start re-training your family to support you and your ambitions. Initially they may be threatened but if they love and care about you will make adjustments. IMO your husband and children should still be a priority, but you are just finally making yourself a priority as well. And involve them in your plans and share your goals with them, short-term and long-term. Then take baby steps. When I first told my youngest about a goal I had she burst in tears because it would require me being gone 10 days. As we continued to talk she started to "get it" and is now one of my biggest fans. Move slowly and make them apart of it in some way.

 

[hopeful]

Also to the ladies who are frightened by some of the thoughts shared here, don't be. Most of the time that I have given too much, I didn't mind. You love and enjoy your family so much that oftentimes the giving is a pleasure and very satisfying...at least for me. Because of my sacrifices I have made my husband has reached a height in his career that very few reach and my older daughter will be going to an ivy league university. But now I am ready to do more for me, but have no regrets for the times I put them first because their success is my success and there were things I wanted for them out of love. I chose to make the sacrifices I've made and now I choose to put me first more often.

 

[JewelleNY]

This is a great thread!

 

[PeanutButterandHoney]

One of my white male (straight) classmates told me that I need to marry for money the first time and love the second time... my mouth dropped open

I was having a good discussion with my yt coworkers (well, I was listening but still)
They were talking about me being engaged and all of them (7) said if they had to do it over again, they would have stayed single.
Every.Last.One.
They even went on to say that they would rather be single parents than to put up with being a wife.
One lady said the only positive of being a wife is that it is socially acceptable to have children and it gives people a better perception of you-that you are able to commit and you are "stable"
They were talking about too much sacrifice, too much "faking it" and too much about "them" and not enough of "me"
I had 2 divorcees in the convo and they said they liked it waaaay better being a single mom.
Really got me thinking..

 

[hopeful]

I will also add that I have not worked outside the home for the past 15 years by choice. If I had worked 40+ hours and did most of the cleaning and child-rearing well then I would be very ticked off.

 

[deltagyrl]

I was having a good discussion with my yt coworkers (well, I was listening but still)
They were talking about me being engaged and all of them (7) said if they had to do it over again, they would have stayed single.
Every.Last.One.
They even went on to say that they would rather be single parents than to put up with being a wife.
One lady said the only positive of being a wife is that it is socially acceptable to have children and it gives people a better perception of you-that you are able to commit and you are "stable"
They were talking about too much sacrifice, too much "faking it" and too much about "them" and not enough of "me"
I had 2 divorcees in the convo and they said they liked it waaaay better being a single mom.
Really got me thinking..

A good marriage is a good thing- don't allow fear to prevent you from experiencing it. Now, it ain't gonna be no crystal stair but if you both leap with your eyes wide open and a receptive heart, you'll be fine.
Next go round my standards are gonna be MUCH higher.

 

[Solti]

Have you seen what a good wife brings to the table? Women (traditionally) have a LARGE role in the house...Single women must not know. It is a lot of work, HELL, I'm a wife and in my next life I WANT a wife. Shoot. We handle business!

 

[GreenD]

Thank God for wise and experienced women!!! It really does makes sense, as having a life of your own creates balance in the relationship, and other things fall into place. I see where I need to make some changes. I really need to "woman up", as I've let the guilt of me being perceived as "selfish" convince me to miss out on TONS of things. I know I needed to reclaim my life as I really didn't know who I was any more, so time to flip the script!! I just gotta figure out how to balance it, as I hope I don't get into trouble....

It's funny I've been telling my DH that it's not about him anymore and it's the year of the DivaDava, so I guess it's about time to live it!!

 

[LadyPaniolo]

Even in the cases where the husband does more housework marriage can still be hard. DH does probably 85% of the cleaning up, he does all the cooking... and he does as much childcare as he CAN do (because he's at work during the day and I'm home, so I outweigh him there). Even so, it's hard to mesh 2 people's lives and deal with conflict and resentments that build up.

He knew what he was getting into with me, and I knew what I was getting into with him. Now, as to whether I would marry again if I was teleported back to that time and place I would not. I would have made a completely and totally different life for myself. but seeing as nobody is offering me that chance, *shrug*.

 

[phynestone]

I was having a good discussion with my yt coworkers (well, I was listening but still)
They were talking about me being engaged and all of them (7) said if they had to do it over again, they would have stayed single.
Every.Last.One.
They even went on to say that they would rather be single parents than to put up with being a wife.
One lady said the only positive of being a wife is that it is socially acceptable to have children and it gives people a better perception of you-that you are able to commit and you are "stable"
They were talking about too much sacrifice, too much "faking it" and too much about "them" and not enough of "me"
I had 2 divorcees in the convo and they said they liked it waaaay better being a single mom.
Really got me thinking..

Maybe they're miserable in their marriages, perhaps? I know it isn't a bed of roses all of the time, but I do think there are women out there who are happy in their marriages and don't regret being married.

 

[hopeful]

^^^ Many married women would do it all over again. Most of the married women I know are happy, a few aren't. And the miserable ones I keep away from, it's like poison being around misery, and they can't stand your happiness.

 

[Incognitus]

for 2013

 

[snugglez41685]

I am taking a soc class marriage and family. My professor explained it this way,men need women/marriage more than women do because men need intimacy(not just sex). Women can make intimate relationship more easily than men because women are more connected with others(emotionally). Men don't have intimate relationships with other men. Men just don't deal with men the way women deal with their,mothers,sisters,girlfriends, etc.

 

[LivingInPeace]

I'm not a traditional wife and I don't have a traditional marriage. The whole idea is a turn-off for me. My friends who complain about their marriages always talk about their husbands not doing enough around the house and being married but living like a single parent. I never had any intention of living like that. I think you have to discuss what you want your roles to be. And it is up to you to decide what you want, not your mama, not your friends, not your church. Because you have to live in the relationship.

 

[Choclatcotton]

I think SOME women are fine without a man, but some women also need the support and companionship of a good man and enjoy the company rather than other women. I know some women who have been hated on, used and interrogated by other women and prefer the company of men rather then men.