Why Do "They" Say: Marriage Is Better For Men And ...

[jamaraa]

About children...for all the talk about out-of-wedlock births and the hysteria it brings out , people don't seem to get the clear evidence that many kids born w/in wedlock and raised in two parent homes are essentially being raised in a single PARENT home. Why so I say that? Many men simply refuse to parent be they married, LTR. divorced (whether they were married or not), etc....many guys wanna be Santadaddy and leave the work of parenting to the mothers. They reap the love and the benefits, the women get the grief (and love too ).

Of course both men and women are at fault for this, BUT society backs this state of affairs way too often. Why is a man somehow less responsible for his children tho he's not/no longer in the family home? I'm not just talking money either.

(NB...this is rather culturally specific to the US...about elsewhere, I won't speak on the mater due to lack of personal experiences.)

 

[UmSumayyah]

I think I've got the better end of the deal in my marriage. But I don't have to punch a clock either.

 

[syze6]

I got married and engulfed myself in my husband and children. As long as they were happy, I was happy. Not anymore!! I realized I totally lost myself in this thing called marriage. I was the one not happy! I wore all kind of hats because I thought as the woman I had a role.

Now I am about making me happy and not basing that on my hubby or chidren's happiness. Now I take time out for me! I treat me when I get paid! I am getting reaquanted with myself and who I was before hubby and children came along. It got so bad, I was constantly having headaches and couldn't figure out why.

I went to sleep with one, woke up with one. Once I decided to get in tune with ME, the headaches subsided. The worries I had pertaining to my marriage, I let go of. What's going to be will be. I'm getting back to my spiritual self, I'm getting back to my physical self and especially my mental self!! I look so forward to this journey back to me and I'm loving it!

 

[GreenD]

About children...for all the talk about out-of-wedlock births and the hysteria it brings out , people don't seem to get the clear evidence that many kids born w/in wedlock and raised in two parent homes are essentially being raised in a single PARENT home. Why so I say that? Many men simply refuse to parent be they married, LTR. divorced (wheter they were married or not), etc....many guys wanna be Santadaddy and leave the work of parenting to the mothers. They reap the love and the benefits, the women get the grief (and love too ).

Of course both men and women are at fault for this, BUT society backs this state of affairs way too often. Why is a man somehow less responsible for his children tho he's not/no longer in the family home? I'm not just talking money either.

(NB...this is rather culturally specific to the US...about elsewhere, I won't speak on the mater due to lack of personal experiences.)

I totally agree!! I told my hubby up front and for those family members and friends that have asked why no kids yet, that I don't believe in being a single-married parent. Not going to happen. I'll be doggone if I go to work, come home and cook, clean, take care of kids all while he comes home form work to play Xbox. No ma'am, no sir!! I won't even set myself up like that.

Now in a perfect world where I know my hubby would be my partner and not another child-like responsibility, then I'd have the kiddies with no problems. But I don't live in that perfect world unfortunately....

 

[sunshinebeautiful]

Marriage is FAR better for men than women because a) a man has someone to care for household concerns and childcare w/o giving her a salary. Relatively few men (even the so called enlightened ones) do the grunt work for the care of maintainence of their homes and kids. No...taking out trash, and mowing the lawn is NOT what I'm talking about. b) marriage actually costs little money for men... to enter or leave. Real life ain't like celeb mega divorces, your average man actually walks out in BETTER financial condition than the woman he leaves. After all, most women, by default, end up w/ the bulk of the childcare/household mamagement. Besides 50% is less than 100% even for rich chicks ! She's also got alot harder time finding a new mate than her ex does.

Of course there's the GETTING MARRIED/WEDDING part. People still largely cling to the woman's family pays ethic....average weddings are costing about $30K or so ....even today, the women's family are stumping up and men are getting off scott free w/ these overblown weddings. This kind of debt puts both the woman and her family at a disadvantage IF the marriage runs into problems or fails. If she needs help, who's gonna help her? This also constrains happily married couples just starting out even if the man/family stumps up. Many women stay in bad marriages because of financial constraints/considerations....this is rarely true for men, IMHO. Far too many resources go into weddings that could be saved or spent more wisely, IMHO. Women need to think more about money...not just the man's but her own and her natal family.

Given the known facts about legal marriage and it's advantages favoring men from the wedding to the divorce, I do wonder why so many women still insist on worshiping at its alter?

Wow. Real talk. This post made me REALLY think about some things.

 

[jamaraa]

I totally agree!! I told my hubby up front and for those family members and friends that have asked why no kids yet, that I don't believe in being a single-married parent. Not going to happen. I'll be doggone if I go to work, come home and cook, clean, take care of kids all while he comes home form work to play Xbox. No ma'am, no sir!! I won't even set myself up like that.

Now in a perfect world where I know my hubby would be my partner and not another child-like responsibility, then I'd have the kiddies with no problems. But I don't live in that perfect world unfortunately....

"Single-married parent" that sums it up. It's good to know that other women see this and give it the side eye too. Too often people want to pretend that this doesn't exist/doesn't matter, but it does.

 

[GreenD]

"Single-married parent" that sums it up. It's good to know that other women see this and give it the side eye too. Too often people want to pretend that this doesn't exist/doesn't matter, but it does.

Thanks for your honesty and laying it out there. And you're right people love to brush stuff under the rug. When people ask me about (my) marriage, I'm honest, because I want people to go into marriages being knowledgeable and well informed. There's no reason to make the same mistakes I did. If you can gain something from it, then great!! If we were more informed and truthful about the issue before getting married, there probably wouldn't be such a high divorce rate (IMO).

I had to get on my mom for not being honest with me about marriage. I understand there are some things as her child I need to learn on my own, but dag, I went only knowing that "marriage is work"! Gee, that helps!!

 

[GreenD]

Marriage is FAR better for men than women because a) a man has someone to care for household concerns and childcare w/o giving her a salary. Relatively few men (even the so called enlightened ones) do the grunt work for the care of maintainence of their homes and kids. No...taking out trash, and mowing the lawn is NOT what I'm talking about. b) marriage actually costs little money for men... to enter or leave. Real life ain't like celeb mega divorces, your average man actually walks out in BETTER financial condition than the woman he leaves. After all, most women, by default, end up w/ the bulk of the childcare/household mamagement. Besides 50% is less than 100% even for rich chicks ! She's also got alot harder time finding a new mate than her ex does.

Of course there's the GETTING MARRIED/WEDDING part. People still largely cling to the woman's family pays ethic....average weddings are costing about $30K or so ....even today, the women's family are stumping up and men are getting off scott free w/ these overblown weddings. This kind of debt puts both the woman and her family at a disadvantage IF the marriage runs into problems or fails. If she needs help, who's gonna help her? This also constrains happily married couples just starting out even if the man/family stumps up. Many women stay in bad marriages because of financial constraints/considerations....this is rarely true for men, IMHO. Far too many resources go into weddings that could be saved or spent more wisely, IMHO. Women need to think more about money...not just the man's but her own and her natal family.

Given the known facts about legal marriage and it's advantages favoring men from the wedding to the divorce, I do wonder why so many women still insist on worshiping at its alter?

So true!! Some people get married, then get divorced and are STILL paying off their wedding, because the marriage might've lasted 6 months!! It's crazy that people only plan for that one day and not their lives after the wedding.

 

[frostydoll]

I can tell you now. If Dh and I don't make it for whatever reason I'm not marrying again unless I marry money.

One of my white male (straight) classmates told me that I need to marry for money the first time and love the second time... my mouth dropped open

 

[sunshinebeautiful]

One of my white male (straight) classmates told me that I need to marry for money the first time and love the second time... my mouth dropped open

I'm not mad at his advice.

I don't know about solely marrying for money, but with my first marriage (I'm not married yet), I'm trying to secure a future for me and my unborn kids. Marrying someone without financial means is not gonna happen... to me or to them. I'm not talking about wealthy cuz I don't have that... yet... but we gon' be living comfortable, at least.

 

[Bunny77]

YES. And many of these men were like this BEFORE getting married, but their (then) girlfriends were too busy and :reddancer: to notice or be honest about how his behavior made them feel. When I was younger, I'd always side with the woman when it came to relationship imbalances. I know better now that I'm older. IME, women do a WHOLE lot more enabling than they admit to.

I'm tardy to the party here.

But yes, I know all too well the situation above... I won't get into who (not me) because it hits way too close to home (big clue there).

Of course, this was a long time ago and women just got married because that's what you did... but in this situation, the man NEVER changed... the woman just didn't know better and was into the whole, "ooh, I'm in :reddancer: and want to do everything for my husband because I just loooooove him so much!"

Then two kiddos came around and now she's and yelling at him because he doesn't pull his weight... well, uh, did y'all ever discuss this BEFORE the marriage? Early in the marriage? Ten years after the fact is kinda late, ya know?

That being said, when Ballerina Bun said this...

I am thinking of 2 women specifically. When their husbands died, they just started to bloom.

This is when I lean back to the idea that early marriages aren't necessarily the best thing. There are pros and cons to marrying early and marrying late, but I wonder if one marries too early, she runs the risk of not blooming because she never really got to know who she was... if I marry at 32, although it's later than I wanted, I truly know who I am and know myself and am entering marriage with no regrets about what I didn't get a chance to do and dreams that I didn't fulfill.

 

[jamaraa]

So true!! Some people get married, then get divorced and are STILL paying off their wedding, because the marriage might've lasted 6 months!! It's crazy that people only plan for that one day and not their lives after the wedding.

Now THIS is a really kicker and true...yup, many people divorce w/in the 1st 5 years or so and it's clear that weddings aren't necessarily paid off by then erplexed. Add to this college/uni debts and you got some serious issues. Nah folks need to look at the JoP a bit harder...you're just as married!

As for not planning for "the rest of their lives".... yup, that's again true. I've known of a person who did the whole expensive wedding thing, then their hubby lost his job not long after and couldn't find anything that paid like he once had. They still haven't recovered and they've been married 10 years or so. Then there's 2 kids in the mix now too. Moneywise, big mess that STARTED because of the wedding expenses.

 

[jamaraa]

Thanks for your honesty and laying it out there. And you're right people love to brush stuff under the rug. When people ask me about (my) marriage, I'm honest, because I want people to go into marriages being knowledgeable and well informed. There's no reason to make the same mistakes I did. If you can gain something from it, then great!! If we were more informed and truthful about the issue before getting married, there probably wouldn't be such a high divorce rate (IMO).

I had to get on my mom for not being honest with me about marriage. I understand there are some things as her child I need to learn on my own, but dag, I went only knowing that "marriage is work"! Gee, that helps!!

Sadly, many times women aren't told THE WHOLE TRUTH about marriage or motherhood. They have no real idea of what to expect because they've been fed a bunch of romantic drivel. Marriage can be great, motherhood...ditto, but why shouldn't a woman (or men too, for that matter) not have angles laid out to them? Are people afraid if folks knew they wouldn't jump the broom :scratchch:? They shouldn't cuz folks will still do it, but maybe a bit wiser.

Marriage has specific issues w/ it that aren't present in dating or LTRs (even those w/ kids)...marriage is a contract, social and otherwise. In any OTHER contract folks are told to get all kinds of lawyers and vetting, but somehow THIS contract should be taken on Cinderella dreams and romance novel wishes? Nothing doin' cuzzin!

Part of the reason the divorce rate is so high and marriages break up so soon is that people now have so many more expectations of marriage and their spouses than they did in the past, not to mention women are in an entirely different relationship w/ money than they were before. There's alot to think about and alot to gain by good knowledge.

The number one practical thing young folks need IMHO is knowledge about money...people simply don't know much about how it works. Money and sex are the big deal breakers in marriage, but they can be helped when it comes to money! For the rest, they gotta figure that out on their own!

 

[JFemme]

Sadly, many times women aren't told THE WHOLE TRUTH about marriage or motherhood. They have no real idea of what to expect because they've been fed a bunch of romantic drivel. Marriage can be great, motherhood...ditto, but why shouldn't a woman (or many too, fot that matter) not have angles laid out to them? Are people afraid if folks knew they wouldn't jump the broom ? They shouldn't cuz folks will still do it, but maybe a bit wiser.

Marriage has specific issues w/ it that aren't present in dating or LTRs (even those w/ kids)...marriage is a contract, social and otherwise. In any OTHER contract folks are told to get all kinds of lawyers and vetting, but somehow THIS contract should be taken on Cinderella dreams and romance novel wishes? Nothing doin' cuzzin!

Part of the reason the divorce rate is so high and marriages break up so soon is that people now have so many more expectations of marriage and their spouses than they did in the past, not to mention women are in an entirely different relationship w/ money than they were before. There's alot to think about and alot to gain by good knowledge.

The number one practical thing young folks need IMHO is knowledge about money...people simply don't know much about how it works. Money and sex are the big deal breakers in marriage, but they cane be helped when it comes to money! For the rest, they gotta figure that out on their own!

And no matter what exits the mouth, you do not know who you will be-come, or he over time...

I truly believe women do not want the WHOLE truth about much as it pertains to love, marriage or children....

Its all good though. Time, experience is the true teacher...

I'm so thankful I had excellent teachers...I'm still learning some thangs, too

 

[jamaraa]

^^^ Yeah, there is no one answer for everybody. This isn't "one-size-fits all". People do have to find out on their own via experience, but I wish more women would actually THINK instead of buying into fairy tales.

 

[JFemme]

^^^ Yeah, there is no one answer for everybody. This isn't "one-size-fits all". People do have to find out on their own via experience, but I wish more women would actually THINK instead of buying into fairy tales.

If you think, you'd have to ask different questions which might lead you to answers that are not to your liking, expectations...

 

[jamaraa]

If you think, you'd have to ask different questions which might lead you to answers that are not to your liking, expectations...

:rofl3: JFemme...you wrong for that one gurl, but it's oh so true!

Wasn't this thread fantastic tho?! I hope it picks up again. This is one of the few :scratchch: thread about marriage.

 

[JFemme]

:rofl3: JFemme...you wrong for that one gurl, but it's oh so true!

Wasn't this thread fantastic tho?! I hope it picks up again. This is one of the few :scratchch: thread about marriage.

Wrong...

Not trying to make a statement about marriage per se, critical thinking is necessary for all life changing events, especially those in which we have control over...

this was indeed a lively discussion.... (wish BB would post more often)
someone linked it from the earlier thread on marriage being more beneficial to men folks..

(I always learn something from your POV Jamarra!!!)

 

[Blackmagic]

This thread is scaring me a little...

I'm 22, while my former classmates are getting married now, I'm a little hesitant to make such a serious commitment.

But this is making me think so much more about the unfairness of gender roles/expectations...

I'll be darned if I have to work a good job then come home and start working all over again without any help from my "DH"...

 

[BlairWaldorf]

If you think, you'd have to ask different questions which might lead you to answers that are not to your liking, expectations...

I'm just going on 21 so this thread is an eye opener for me but speaking from experience , what questions do you believe should be asked when it comes to the reality of marriage?

 

[jamaraa]

I'm just going on 21 so this thread is an eye opener for me but speaking from experience , what questions do you believe should be asked when it comes to the reality of marriage?

After you've dealt w/ basic compatibility issues like sexual attraction, religion, education etc...

Money, for starters. Even as a very young woman and w/o a man, you should have some clue as to money, how to manage it, and the complexities of it in a married sitch. Once the man comes along, you and the guy need to discuss your incomes/debts and how you both see spending/investing. You need to consider tax issues (this is a big for many married women) and you need to discuss child issues both w/in and outside of the money issue.

Of course, you must talk about what sort of wedding you want and who's paying.

If I were you, I'd research "money issues in marriage" and get an idea of the angles involved. Marrying for love is all good, but you don't want to end up broke for being blind.

If a man is unwilling to discuss such basic issues OR gets angry w/ you on the topic of money....:scratchch:

Consider also issues of children and childcare...will you have them or not? If so, when it a good age for you both? What does this man envision for his future family? Will you be a stay-at-home-mother, working w/ family childcare or outsiders, what sorts of schools interest you, etc...

 

[Bmack]

I think because women live their lives for their husband. Women and not themselves when they get married. Women make way more sacrifices in a marriage than a man.

This is true in a lot of cases, but not in my marriage!!

 

[jamaraa]

This thread is scaring me a little...

I'm 22, while my former classmates are getting married now, I'm a little hesitant to make such a serious commitment.

But this is making me think so much more about the unfairness of gender roles/expectations...

I'll be darned if I have to work a good job then come home and start working all over again without any help from my "DH"...

Don't be scared, be smart. LOL...you're getting the benefit of some stuff many women don't and didn't get when they needed it. Not all of the women on this thread are unhappily married OR unhappily single, but they're talking about stuff they didn't expect in terms of relationships. Many of these posters on this thread are a quite bit older than yourself, so that's part of what you're reading!

Don't think that you have to want what others want....this thread is somewhat unusual here because the OP isn't the most conventional about some things! I don't think Ballerina_Bun will mind my saying that.

You have to think about what it is YOU want and how you mean to get it....also realizing there's nothing wrong w/ wanting something different than what you're TOLD you must want.

 

[JustKiya]

I've noticed this inequity in many marriages, and I refuse - refreakingfuse - to allow this sort of 'standard' to be set in our marriage. It's been a process of learning - how to let go, how to ask for help, how to set my own standards and convey them to him in a nonhumiliating/emasculating manner.

We are closer to 50% duties than we've ever been, I think.

 

[jamaraa]

Wrong...

Not trying to make a statement about marriage per se, critical thinking is necessary for all life changing events, especially those in which we have control over...

this was indeed a lively discussion.... (wish BB would post more often)
someone linked it from the earlier thread on marriage being more beneficial to men folks..

(I always learn something from your POV Jamarra!!!)

LOL...you "wrong" cuz you're saying what some don't wanna hear. That YOU are responsible for your happiness at the end of the day. You gotta look out for your own interests, but you can't even do this IF you don't consider what are your interests. You know full well speaking sense is never popular!

Aw shucks JFemme...it feels nice to not get a for my posts. I have to get used to that feelin'!

 

[Blackmagic]

LOL...you "wrong" cuz you're saying what some don't wanna hear. That YOU are responsible for your happiness at the end of the day. You gotta look out for your own interests, but you can't even do this IF you don't consider what are your interests. You know full well speaking sense is never popular!

Aw shucks JFemme...it feels nice to not get a for my posts. I have to get used to that feelin'!

Thanks for the reassurance Jamaraa!

 

[jamaraa]

Thanks for the reassurance Jamaraa!

I'm so glad you feel reassured. The world's your oyster kiddo. I'm so glad young women like you, Sexi6tresses, and others are reading and thinking.

 

[jamaraa]

One more thing about money...be very very careful about credit cards and other shared debt. Let's say, for example, you're married and your hubby gets a credit card is HIS name. If you guys break up, you can be left holding the bag wrt community property. Not only that, but even if you say married, they can make YOU pay it by nasty means (garnishments, etc..).

Community property is a word you MUST know and study. It caries by state in terms of how it works, so if you move...learn the laws. Women have had to split their pensions behind not knowing.

 

[GreenD]

Here's a question I've been going back and forth over with for a while, and I haven't settled on an answer just yet. If you're going to be an independent woman who doesn't live her life for her hubby and kids and is able to maintain her own identity, what's the point of being married other than for financial, emotional and sexual reasons? Is divorce knocking at this point because of resentment?

I guess the balance of sharing your life with your DH and actually having your own life are both important factors, but which is a priority? I think this is where I'm on the fence. My relationship/marriage with DH has always come first, but now I'm ready to start doing me, so how's a marriage possible if I make myself my first priority? I've remained this way out of fear that I'll actually go too far out being little "Mrs. Independent" and really lose site of my marriage.

I really look forward to hearing your responses....

 

[jamaraa]

Here's a question I've been going back and forth over with for a while, and I haven't settled on an answer just yet. If you're going to be an independent woman who doesn't live her life for her hubby and kids and is able to maintain her own identity, what's the point of being married other than for financial, emotional and sexual reasons? Is divorce knocking at this point because of resentment?

I guess the balance of sharing your life with your DH and actually having your own life are both important factors, but which is a priority? I think this is where I'm on the fence. My relationship/marriage with DH has always come first, but now I'm ready to start doing me, so how's a marriage possible if I make myself my first priority? I've remained this way out of fear that I'll actually go too far out being little "Mrs. Independent" and really lose site of my marriage.

I really look forward to hearing your responses....

:scratchch: It depends on the people in question. Not all men want the same things and many get bored w/ a woman that's too much "about him". Frankly, most men like a bit of mystery in their lives. A woman that's too "about him" probably doesn't have too much of an "internal life" that seems to intrigue men over the long haul. Generally speaking, one should be able to talk to their spouse about whatever "changes" they're going thru and work out some solution. Perhaps, you'll get your time to "do you" because chances are, he's "done him" thru much of the marriage. (Many times when women speak of "sharing" they mean they gave and he took...let's be honest ) I say this because that's the case w/ so many marriages....things are almost totally hubby centered, HIS job relocating, HIM wanting to go the the proverbial law/medical school, HIS non/limited involvement w/ the kids, etc...

"Doing you" isn't necessarily incompatible w/ being married, but that all depends on the man you married, your personalities and how they interact w/ each other, and most importantly the current state of your marriage.

IMHO, marriage is far more than just a woman being hubby/kid focused. It's about companionship and shared investment in children/extended family/community/beliefs/etc, just for starters. It's a journey that changes focus as time goes by. Your needs aren't the same @ 25 as they are @ 65, so both folks need to be willing to work w/ life stages. This requires companionship and true sympatico. Women who spend too little time on self are many times taken for granted. You must keep sight of your development as a human, IMHO....keep your mind, body, and soul active. Your family benefits as well. Just my $-.98