Why Men Marry Some Women and Not Others (blog post)

[CaraWalker]

i agree with absolutely every single thing in the first post (havent read the second yet). not a single lie detected. but i would also like to see some similar evidence about men who dont get married and end up single forever.

 

[CaraWalker]

This is so true.

Only women care what a man does for a living because he's supposed to be the "provider".

Men don't care about whether a woman is high on the corporate ladder or not. In fact,I think a lot of men like women who have easier or less demanding jobs.

i deliberately chose a low-stress career even though i have the brains and ambition to be a corporate player. my career path will likely focus more on prestige than actual profession. (i.e. i am in a "womanly" field but i plan to navigate it through big names and highly ranked organisations.) part of that is because i dont want to be stressed out by work and i learned early that i need an extremely flexible job just for my personal happiness. (once i worked at my moms office during a christmas holiday and would have to wait for her to get off work at 7, 8 oclock at night. i would be so intensely frustrated to get home with the entire day wasted and knew right then i could never have a job that required such long hours.)

i also think women in demanding careers confound the reasons why men might think its unattractive. i bet most would tell you its because men are intimidated, or because their leadership qualities come across as masculine and unattractive traits to men. i would say its actually because women in demanding professions tend to have, in my opinion, certain neuroses that simply arent enjoyable. a lot of the time when i have had conversations with career driven women they come across in ways that really arent as friendly, engaging, or endearing as i would prefer. i think the dedication to work is obviously more important to them because they have goals to reach, but it then tends to dominate the personality. they may be a wonderful person but often it feels like the good traits get buried under the seriousness and ambition. so it isnt that the job per se is a turn off... its that in order to pursue the job you have to take on personality quirks that overshadow other more attractive ones.

 

[sweetvi]

bunnycolvin

Everything You Said In The Last Paragraph. Everything! !. I did not come to that realization until I met a colleague who has a high powered career...

 

[ambergirl]

^^^ Sometimes this is true. Too much ambition and all that comes with it is an unattractive trait regardless of gender in my opinion. But those types of personality traits are everywhere. Some of the most competitive, neurotic, ambitious women I've ever met are SAHMs.

 

[sunnydaze]

i deliberately chose a low-stress career even though i have the brains and ambition to be a corporate player. my career path will likely focus more on prestige than actual profession. (i.e. i am in a "womanly" field but i plan to navigate it through big names and highly ranked organisations.) part of that is because i dont want to be stressed out by work and i learned early that i need an extremely flexible job just for my personal happiness. (once i worked at my moms office during a christmas holiday and would have to wait for her to get off work at 7, 8 oclock at night. i would be so intensely frustrated to get home with the entire day wasted and knew right then i could never have a job that required such long hours.)

i also think women in demanding careers confound the reasons why men might think its unattractive. i bet most would tell you its because men are intimidated, or because their leadership qualities come across as masculine and unattractive traits to men. i would say its actually because women in demanding professions tend to have, in my opinion, certain neuroses that simply arent enjoyable. a lot of the time when i have had conversations with career driven women they come across in ways that really arent as friendly, engaging, or endearing as i would prefer. i think the dedication to work is obviously more important to them because they have goals to reach, but it then tends to dominate the personality. they may be a wonderful person but often it feels like the good traits get buried under the seriousness and ambition. so it isnt that the job per se is a turn off... its that in order to pursue the job you have to take on personality quirks that overshadow other more attractive ones.

A high powered man is not expected to code switch when it comes to attracting mates, however a high powered woman is. There is no rule book that shows high powered women how to shut a portion of their personality down to appear more attractive/less masculine to men. In some ways it seems professionally successful women are "punished" for their acheivements. It isn't fair, but such is life.

 

[Live.Laugh.Love]

bunnycolvin

Everything You Said In The Last Paragraph. Everything! !. I did not come to that realization until I met a colleague who has a high powered career...

I agree and disagree...from my end of the spectrum the women I see who have married well, 80% had high powered jobs/education. I honestly think some of them chose there careers exclusively to meet high quality men. Also, some of these same women who were in these high powered jobs are now SAHM.

I think they were ahead in there thinking. I know alot of girls in there late 20s to early thirties who are in womanly fields and the have a hard time dating or date down big time (losers/bums).

I think it's all a trade off.... if you are in a career dominated by women, you will have to work extra hard to meet desirable men. And if you are in a high power position you have to learn how to scale back.

Also women in the high powered career/education fields will be surrounded by men thus their dating pool is vastly larger with desirable men.

 

[CaraWalker]

A high powered man is not expected to code switch when it comes to attracting mates, however a high powered woman is. There is no rule book that shows high powered women how to shut a portion of their personality down to appear more attractive/less masculine to men. In some ways it seems professionally successful women are "punished" for their acheivements. It isn't fair, but such is life.

following post utilizes general "you":

well thats just my point... im not saying theres a need to code switch, and im deliberately challenging the idea that what is perceived as unattractive are the masculine professional traits. im saying by virtue of being in a high powered career, your personality begins to overshadow the traits you think you have to "code switch" to.

its like you think you dont need to be charming anymore. at the very mention of ambition dominating the personality, you would automatically jump to a persecuted perspective, feeling that you are being punished. a high powered woman might go "do you know who i am? i dont have to dumb myself down." meanwhile a woman who cant underline with a big red marker "HELLO IM A LAWYER/CEO" or whatever would approach the entire situation completely differently because she doesnt have this crutch/obstacle to justify her disposition.

i just think it changes perspectives in a subtle but very important way. like i know im really smart and some of the men who were really into me liked that the most about me. but its sort of just integral to all the things that make me a great catch; i dont LEAD with "oh im so smart this is what makes me special." i think SOME high powered women let their profession become their personality and thats when its a problem.

 

[hopeful]

^^^ Sometimes this is true. Too much ambition and all that comes with it is an unattractive trait regardless of gender in my opinion. But those types of personality traits are everywhere. Some of the most competitive, neurotic, ambitious women I've ever met are SAHMs.

I agree with the bolded. Some will work your very last nerve. Sometimes I'm like it's a friggin' bake sale, calm down .

I don't even see the changing for husbands/men as code switching but more so just life. I am different according to the circumstance. I mean still me but the person my kids need/want is different from my best friend. And men do switch it up. Dh is very bossy in general but at home is like honey do you think I should ____ ? Sometimes I am like seriously? I have been at Jack & Jill meetings and some moms are sooo business-like till I am like look it's Saturday morning and we're planning a trip to the zoo, not at a strategy meeting to launch a new product -- calm down! Code switch, relax, or whatever, but different environments require different strategies.

 

[Aviah]

Re the bolded. Then he becomes the prize, huh?

EXACTLY hopeful.

And men know this, it's simple economics: They are the sought after commodity. Plus they have time on their side and society doesn't look down on unmarried men as much as women. It's either we teach our boys and girls to seek marriage or teach neither to be so. Otherwise it just doesn't make sense.

 

[ambergirl]

I agree with the bolded. Some will work your very last nerve. Sometimes I'm like it's a friggin' bake sale, calm down . I don't even see the changing for husbands/men as code switching but more so just life. I am different according to the circumstance. I mean still me but the person my kids need/want is different from my best friend. And men do switch it up. Dh is very bossy in general but at home is like honey do you think I should ____ ? Sometimes I am like seriously? I have been at Jack & Jill meetings and some moms are sooo business-like till I am like look it's Saturday morning and we're planning a trip to the zoo, not at a strategy meeting to launch a new product -- calm down! Code switch, relax, or whatever, but different environments require different strategies.

Hahaha For Real! Being bossy, competitive, controlling cuts across this career issue. I feel for those people who can't turn it off...

 

[caribeandiva]

I like the part of the article where he says: "All wives are trophy wives. He wants to show you off, whether it be beauty, brains or personality."

 

[MsKinkycurl]

A high powered man is not expected to code switch when it comes to attracting mates, however a high powered woman is. There is no rule book that shows high powered women how to shut a portion of their personality down to appear more attractive/less masculine to men. In some ways it seems professionally successful women are "punished" for their acheivements. It isn't fair, but such is life.

I think some men do have to code switch. If he has a traditional family he has to be the leader at home but he might have the lowest position at his job. The switch to corporate america and the code switching required inspired alot of songs, advertisement and media since the mid twentieth century.

Its a different struggle but still valid.

Sent from my SCH-I535 using LHCF

 

[SandCastles]

Hahaha For Real! Being bossy, competitive, controlling cuts across this career issue. I feel for those people who can't turn it off...

I know a lot of those people. Very annoying!

 

[DarkJoy]

The lhcf mantra is "I am the prize" but these pedestal articles suggest the man is the prize. It's an instructional for women yet again with no dating responsibility towards the man.

Don't get mature (old = over 30)
You might have to move
Don't get too fat
Chase him if he's good looking
Your standards are too high
Go to where men congregate, they won't cone to you
Pick up mens' hobbies to meet a man
Dress this way, not that way

Ok. So it's all on the woman yet again?

 

[hopeful]

Good point DarkJoy . You gotta be a strong woman to hold into that prize feeling in this world with all these articles and thirsty women. As a married woman it's hard sometimes with folks determined to put your dh on a doggone pedestal. So as a single woman I know it's hard. But I tell you this, either I am the prize or I'd rather be alone. Women are not meant to be chasing after, adoring, catering to, proving ourselves, competing with other women, and all that other mess. Once you get him, your life will be a hot mess with him prancing around like a princess. GTFOWTBS. Ain't nobody got time for that. Single life would be a lot more fun.

 

[Holla]

That has not been my experience. Maybe it's a generational thing, but most professional black men I know (ages 30-45) are married to similarly situated black women. Even if the wife stays home or works part time, they have similar degrees and capabilities.

White men are a little different.

My point was not about the degrees of the women. I know elementary school teachers and secretaries with Masters. The point was that women in those professions tend to have less demanding schedules so as to allow them more personal time.....time that they can dedicate to spending with their husbands/kids. Women in more demanding careers do not have such. Women who work parttime or are SAHM obviously have the free time.