WHY ARE SO MANY BLACK WOMEN SINGLE?

[lushcoils]

This is the most hilarious thing I have seen in a long time... like BM are really setting the world on fire with all of their wonderful educational accomplishments, great reputation of taking care of families and children that they had in wedlock , lack of criminal records, sterling health records that indicate minimal exposure to STDs, high employment rates, lack of other diseases related to poor diet, etc.



Folks kill me.

Actually, I could turn this around and say that if I was a BW (which I am), I'd have to calculate the "risk" before deciding to be with a BM considering that they too are on the very bottom of most charts that measure success in our society... why would a BW with her stuff together want to deal with that? Hmmmm....

And oh the irony with her signature quote and pic.

 

[kmn1980]

-Honestly, I don't see what's wrong with wanting to date a guy who will provide a certain lifestyle. When I have a family, I want to be comfortable. I don't want to be struggling. I wonder why no one is telling non-black women they have to date the UPS guy or garbage man. Why aren't they seen as gold diggers?

But how do you know that the UPS man can't give you a comfortable lifestyle? He could manage his money very well. Most BW never even get there. They see the uniform and say "nope. gotta' go to Nordstrom's at least twice a week. Next." If he can keep a roof over your head, lights on, food in your stomach, clothes on your back (even if it's JC Penny's), protect you and has a good heart, what's the problem with UPS? Especially in a climate where people ought to bless whatever God they believe in that they even have a job.

I have a friend who is always talking about what kind of financial free-for-all her ideal man must be. So I asked, "Okay, what if he has a corporate job that has him in the office 60 hours each week, out of town half of the year, and has to kiss his boss' *** to the point that he'll slide out of you to answer his phone call but he's bringing home $150K?" Her response...crickets.

Better yet, going back to my original point, if you're "strong and independent" then you should be able to make your own comfortable lifestyle, right? I find it funny that a group of women who have a net worth of $5 is concerned that the UPS and FedEX man won't meet their financial standards.

-If these good men can't find good women, is something wrong with them too? Or is it always the woman's fault?

Again. Men know what they want. More than 70% of Black children are born OOW. This means that a man who wants to his own fresh family, not a ready made one, already has the odds stacked against him. 60% of BW are either overweight or obese. This means a man who wants a woman who can fit in the rides at Six Flags, already has the odds stacked against him.

It's funny though that you talk about fault because whenever these threads pop up, women never want to take responsibility. It's always what BM are or aren't doing. Believe it or not, the woman has a part in her singlehood. Take responsibility.

We never hear women say, "I'm single because I spent my 20's serial screwing and have three kids and it's hard to meet someone willing to deal with that."

We never hear women say, "I'm single because I have a PhD and any man who doesn't is beneath me and I let him know that up front. I probably need to pull my attitude in."

We never hear women say, "I'm single because I'm 5'4 and I weigh 240 pounds and realistically, that's not attractive to most men. I need to start working out and eating better."

All we hear is, "I'm single because he didn't marry me after I had two kids by him."

"I'm single because they aren't man enough to handle someone my size."

-Many of these black men won't date a black women if she isn't thick and/or have hair down her back or "bad" like a video chick, but no one is saying it's something wrong with them being video vixen lovers.

I think that's a myth. Just like white men drool over the Pamela Anderson types but they don't end up marrying that type. Most of the BM I know are not hung up on light skin/dark skin; long hair/short hair (although I have noticed an aversion to weave amongst BM). Now that "thick" thing...the biggest thing I 've heard is that BM just want BW to know that "thick" and "fat" are not the same thing, LOL.

-How many black women are there in America? How many of these eligible straight non-jailed educated good black men are willing to date black women?

Don't know. I'm sure you can find the census info for that. The truth is the interracial marriage is not as common as the media would have you believe. Most people marry within their ethnic group.

-Don't black women largely outnumber black men in terms of college degrees?... especially when it comes to grad school and professional degrees. I see that wasn't mentioned in your stats.

Don't know. I'm sure I can find it. However, I have two grad degrees and before I was married, I wasn't automatically barring any man who didn't have a grad degree. You can do that if you want but just be prepared to be unmarried while you're waiting.

-Who are these infected black women getting STDs from?

The previously prison-raped thug set. As stated in a previous post, a small segment of the BM population is sexing a larger segment of BW.

-I don't get approached, but from what I hear/read, most men approach women all of the time. So if he was really feeling me, he would let me know. Now, I'm sitting home all the time waiting on Jesus to send me someone, that's a fail. But if out and about, and if I guy found me attractive I would think he would let me know especially if I'm giving him the eye.

Once bitten, twice shy perhaps? Before I was married, I would meet men who were in utter shock that I didn't have children. Maybe they don't approach you because they are already assuming that you have a few kids at home. If you're interested, why don't you approach him?

-Yes, the church is the debvil when it comes to black women and love.

Agreed.

This is the most hilarious thing I have seen in a long time... like BM are really setting the world on fire with all of their wonderful educational accomplishments, great reputation of taking care of families and children that they had in wedlock , lack of criminal records, sterling health records that indicate minimal exposure to STDs, high employment rates, lack of other diseases related to poor diet, etc.



Folks kill me.

Actually, I could turn this around and say that if I was a BW (which I am), I'd have to calculate the "risk" before deciding to be with a BM considering that they too are on the very bottom of most charts that measure success in our society... why would a BW with her stuff together want to deal with that? Hmmmm....

Have it as you want but the men who are pumping, dumping and leaving are a small segment that for some reason are what all the ladies are going for these days. The men who want to marry and stay and fulfill their role as the man aren't as popular. Perhaps we need to re-evaluate our value systems. Cash has never been my standard for measuring success. Then again, I don't follow the focked up value system that this country is built upon.

The women who are the opposite of what you described are never the ones complaining about there being no good men. They always have men . I'm dead serious. Just like unemployed Ray Ray is never without a woman. It's crazy!

That's the sad part. Ray Ray is all the rage. Unfortunately, Ray Ray doesn't want to be a husband and father. Yeah, he can make the kids but raising them is a different story. Ray Ray comes in all different packages. He can wear jeans and he can wear Armani suits.

The "iqua" group with the purple weave aren't the only ones pining over Ray Ray though and that's the problem. Jane with the PhD is following Ray Ray around like a sick puppy also. That's why her kids have the same no-good daddy that "iqua's" kids do.

Again, if you're a good woman who understands the essence of womanhood and what a strong relationships are truly made of, now is the time to make yourself known if you have your heart set on marriage. Good men snatch up the good women fast and vice versa.

 

[kmn1980]

And oh the irony with her signature quote and pic.

I wasn't going to address this but since you asked...

In the 70's and before, two parent households were raising boys into men.

Now, mama-lead households are raising boys into __________. Complain all you want about today's Black man. With an 80% OOW birthrate the overwhelming probability is that a BW woman raised them so if they ain't sh**, who do we blame for that?

 

[WhipEffectz1]

I wasn't going to address this but since you asked...

In the 70's and before, two parent households were raising boys into men.

Now, mama-lead households are raising boys into __________. Complain all you want about today's Black man. With an 80% OOW birthrate the overwhelming probability is that a BW woman raised them so if they ain't sh**, who do we blame for that?

Exactly. Most of them aren't raising good black men. Sorry but its the truth.

 

[january noir]

A niece of a friend of mine met a dude that had 2 or 3 children and never married any of his children's mother. She got pregnant by him after about a month of dating.

Now, she has the baby and is very unhappy because dude won't marry her; but after much pressure, he finally gave her a "shut up" ring, but now is hemming and hawwing about setting a date.

She's miserable and doesn't know or understand why he won't commit.
She's a good mother and homemaker, they say, but he's resisting and resisting hard. Last I heard, he had discovered inter-racial dating and is now proclaiming his taste for Latinas even though he is "engaged."

Talk about a "WT%$#@" moment in life....

I feel for her a little, but mostly I could just beat her all upside her head.
What was she thinking? Oy!

 

[Livingmylifetothefullest]

With an 80% OOW birthrate the overwhelming probability is that a BW woman raised them so if they ain't sh**, who do we blame for that?

Sorry but I can't argue with you there. Folks, she's right. And I don't know how many times I can repeat it, a woman CANNOT teach a boy how to be a MAN

 

[Livingmylifetothefullest]

A niece of a friend of mine met a dude that had 2 or 3 children and never married any of his children's mother. She got pregnant by him after about a month of dating.

Now, she has the baby and is very unhappy because dude won't marry her; but after much pressure, he finally gave her a "shut up" ring, but now is hemming and hawwing about setting a date.

She's miserable and doesn't know or understand why he won't commit.
She's a good mother and homemaker, they say, but he's resisting and resisting hard. Last I heard, he had discovered inter-racial dating and is now proclaiming his taste for Latinas even though he is "engaged."

Talk about a "WT%$#@" moment in life....

I feel for her a little, but mostly I could just beat her all upside her head.
What was she thinking? Oy!

I guess she thought that she was different from the others. Is he living with her? Eating up the food that she's buying? Did anyone tell her that he doesn't want to be with her?

 

[Christelyn]

You know what's crazy? Whenever there's a thread that attacks black women about being single, unmarried and unloved, it's okay to BM bash and point the finger in the other direction. But if there's a thread started about how bad today's BM are and the sorry state of the family, members rally to the BM defense (in general) say it's the fault of the woman that she picked so poorly. I'm just trying to figure this out.

 

[ambergirl]

I wasn't going to address this but since you asked...

In the 70's and before, two parent households were raising boys into men.

Now, mama-lead households are raising boys into __________. Complain all you want about today's Black man. With an 80% OOW birthrate the overwhelming probability is that a BW woman raised them so if they ain't sh**, who do we blame for that?

Let me see if I get this...we're going to blame the parent who was responsible enough to raise their child versus the one who up and left usually without a dime of child support to boot? Yeah that make sense...

 

[ambergirl]

You know what's crazy? Whenever there's a thread that attacks black women about being single, unmarried and unloved, it's okay to BM bash and point the finger in the other direction. But if there's a thread started about how bad today's BM are and the sorry state of the family, members rally to the BM defense (in general) say it's the fault of the woman that she picked so poorly. I'm just trying to figure this out.

Hey Christelyn,

I think the problem is that we try to individualize and psychologize something that is in many ways a societal and socio-economic problem. It's really not about BW or BM not being ****. It's about the ways both of us have been undermined by social, political/policy, and economic trends that have not served black people. Not to mention broader societal trends that are making it challenging for people of any race to find suitable mates. There is no other way to explain why MILLIONS of black people are experiencing the same challenges. Seriously, when you see a seachange in marital behavior like that in such a short span of time, that is a classic sign that something larger then the individual is going on.

ETA: This doesn't mean we can't do anything as individuals. In fact, in order to address these issue in your own life, you have to, but it does mean we need to stop with the finger pointing at each other and pointless blaming.

 

[january noir]

I guess she thought that she was different from the others. Is he living with her? Eating up the food that she's buying? Did anyone tell her that he doesn't want to be with her?

Yup! It sure appears that way. My friend, her uncle, who is like their family patriarch, told her that, but you know how some people are. She wants the father of her child to be her husband. I feel that she should have thought about that before getting pregnant. I just don't get it.

I'm not sure if they are living together or not, but I wouldn't be surprised.
It's a shame because the young lady is "educated" (degreed), but clearly is not using the skills she should have picked up while in college.

 

[Marley4920]

Because the black woman is more acceptable to hire in the workplace and that has given us a superiority complex over our men. We've abandoned our men and the black family suffers for it.

Single parent households are not good for the black family. Its disturbs the balance of nature in my opinion. I am constantly surprised by how many black women I know and have met that have never met their fathers. I don't have the statistics but this can't have a good affect...

Then, as in every community, we have trifling and immature men and women making it very hard to find the good ones.

 

[nathansgirl1908]

Are we still on this? oke:

This is what I call a hamster wheel topic/question.

I don't even bother trying to break this down and discuss it. Who cares? Especially since I don't believe the question is usually posed out of concern for Black women.

 

[nathansgirl1908]

Oh and you should ask your husband why so many Black men are in jail/prison.

 

[luckiestdestiny]

Let me see if I get this...we're going to blame the parent who was responsible enough to raise their child versus the one who up and left usually without a dime of child support to boot? Yeah that make sense...

In addition to the example that was left by said parents. Kids grow into what they see. If they identify as a male, then their father is their role model. Without one, they are taught to stay absent, and to go from woman to women, just as dad did. If dad stayed and set an example , it shows the child that when they grow up they are to take responsibility for their family. I realize there are exceptions to every rule. There are people who challenge their reality. It just makes it one step harder.

I think when they have a proper role model, it's easier to follow suit. It's the reason that all three of my uncles and my dad have remained married to their wives, they were following the ex of my grandfather. And their kids have followed suit. Whereas my friend's father up and left, and her brother has followed suit in their family. This is not to say that staying is enough. Because you can teach a boy to support his family, but then comes the important part of "how" to support the family. And that can go haphazard as well if you teach them to dominate, and to mistreat women. So then after staying, it's important that the men instill other values in them as well. It's also important that women choose the right men too that will guide their sons into manhood. And of course show their daughter's what to expect out of men(leading by example. And that starts with who you choose.) I do believe women have a role as well. SO this is not to throw all the responsibility on the male. But blaming women singularly is wrong. We are all the chooser, male and female, and should all choose well. We all have our part. .That being said it is definitely responsibility of the present parent (s) to be a good role model

 

[kmn1980]

A niece of a friend of mine met a dude that had 2 or 3 children and never married any of his children's mother. She got pregnant by him after about a month of dating.

Now, she has the baby and is very unhappy because dude won't marry her; but after much pressure, he finally gave her a "shut up" ring, but now is hemming and hawwing about setting a date.

She's miserable and doesn't know or understand why he won't commit.
She's a good mother and homemaker, they say, but he's resisting and resisting hard. Last I heard, he had discovered inter-racial dating and is now proclaiming his taste for Latinas even though he is "engaged."

Talk about a "WT%$#@" moment in life....

I feel for her a little, but mostly I could just beat her all upside her head.
What was she thinking? Oy!

Thanks for sharing that story.

My point in all this (and it sounds like your niece's story) is that it's all about making wise choices based on what's important.

(The proverbial) We can sit up here all day point fingers at men we used to date and who our friends used to date and why they were sorry, but we chose them. Some of us, realized early on that they were sorry and left them alone. Some of us chose to stay with them for years and end up disappointed and still single a decade later. I thank God that I had the good sense to not pass up my husband just because he a regular 8-5, an American car, and didn't have a bunch of letters behind his name. Like Terry Crews wife said (paraphrase), "I didn't marry a rich man, I married a good man."

However, I'm still convinced that most women wouldn't know a good man if Jesus Christ/Buddah/Allah/Krishna/Gnash walked the brother to their front door and vouched for him.

There is no real dilemma in terms of BM/BW relationships. It's all about making wise choices.

 

[kmn1980]

Let me see if I get this...we're going to blame the parent who was responsible enough to raise their child versus the one who up and left usually without a dime of child support to boot? Yeah that make sense...

This doesn't even make sense. First of all, she wasn't responsible enough to not reproduce with a man who was never father material in the first place. There's this fairy tale land that all women live in at some point where you can change a man's character with attention and sex.

Man A is NOT father material but I think that if I'm nice to him and sex him real good if I pregnant, he'll read the EPT and his heart will be touched and he will turn into Bill Cosby within the next 40 weeks.

Second, since when does an absent party bear the responsibility for how a child is raised? The mother is the one:

• teaching the child the life lessons he needs to learn;
• imparting whatever wisdom she may have;
• disciplining (or not) the child when they need correction;
• waking them up and sending them to school in the morning;
• teaching him about sex;
• teaching him about relationships;
• showing him her brand of womanhood;
• teaching him how to dress;
• getting his hair cut;
• teaching him her brand of morality (spiritual or not);
• teaching him what she thinks is manhood (which is usually "men ain't sh**" because she's bitter)

So, if her son becomes 15 and breaks into the 7-11, the courts are going to drag his mother in there...not his absent father that the child (and more often the mother) doesn't even know.

Society in general is quick to say that a bad child or an unproductive adult is the product of poor parenting. If your mother is the one who raised you, and you became bad/irresponsible/lazy/unproductive on her watch then yes, we can thank your mother for raising your bad/irresponsible/lazy/unproductive self. She either missed some things or failed to address some things during your development. Nope daddy wasn't there but no use crying over spilled milk. Mama should have made up her mind to do the best job she could do while raising you so that you don't repeat the cycle. Mama should have taught you what responsibility is and looks like; how to comport yourself in a relationship; what respect is and looks like; how not to create children you can't take care of, etc....

At this point we may as well agree to disagree because the facts speak for themselves.

As I said before, there is no shortage, there is no dilemma. The problem is decision-making. If the honest, humble, regular 8-5, American car having brother with a good heart is not good enough for BW that's fine. Just make sure when someone questions you about how you've been dating various men for 15- 20+ years and still aren't married or why the OOW rate is out of control in the Black community, you tell the truth and not a bunch of BS that CNN and ABC is throwing out.

 

[ambergirl]

^^^ that's a whole lot of typing for someone to miss the point entirely. Leaving a mom behind to do EVERYTHING is irresponsible and even though that's not the case 100% of the time, we all know most of the time its the brothers who are doing the bolting or are so misbehaved as to make staying with them ridiculous.

And any psychologist will tell you that an absent parent can often have more influence over the lives of their children then the one who is present by their sheer ABSENCE.

We can agree to disagree but not on account of the non existent facts you've presented but because we just see things differently.

 

[Christelyn]

This doesn't even make sense. First of all, she wasn't responsible enough to not reproduce with a man who was never father material in the first place. There's this fairy tale land that all women live in at some point where you can change a man's character with attention and sex.

Man A is NOT father material but I think that if I'm nice to him and sex him real good if I pregnant, he'll read the EPT and his heart will be touched and he will turn into Bill Cosby within the next 40 weeks.

Second, since when does an absent party bear the responsibility for how a child is raised? The mother is the one:

• teaching the child the life lessons he needs to learn;
• imparting whatever wisdom she may have;
• disciplining (or not) the child when they need correction;
• waking them up and sending them to school in the morning;
• teaching him about sex;
• teaching him about relationships;
• showing him her brand of womanhood;
• teaching him how to dress;
• getting his hair cut;
• teaching him her brand of morality (spiritual or not);
• teaching him what she thinks is manhood (which is usually "men ain't sh**" because she's bitter)

So, if her son becomes 15 and breaks into the 7-11, the courts are going to drag his mother in there...not his absent father that the child (and more often the mother) doesn't even know.

Society in general is quick to say that a bad child or an unproductive adult is the product of poor parenting. If your mother is the one who raised you, and you became bad/irresponsible/lazy/unproductive on her watch then yes, we can thank your mother for raising your bad/irresponsible/lazy/unproductive self. She either missed some things or failed to address some things during your development. Nope daddy wasn't there but no use crying over spilled milk. Mama should have made up her mind to do the best job she could do while raising you so that you don't repeat the cycle. Mama should have taught you what responsibility is and looks like; how to comport yourself in a relationship; what respect is and looks like; how not to create children you can't take care of, etc....

At this point we may as well agree to disagree because the facts speak for themselves.

As I said before, there is no shortage, there is no dilemma. The problem is decision-making. If the honest, humble, regular 8-5, American car having brother with a good heart is not good enough for BW that's fine. Just make sure when someone questions you about how you've been dating various men for 15- 20+ years and still aren't married or why the OOW rate is out of control in the Black community, you tell the truth and not a bunch of BS that CNN and ABC is throwing out.

You had me on all of it until this. You mention the humble guy who doesn't get much of a chance, but conversely, what if you are a well-accomplished woman who would like to be with someone of her equal? Is she wrong for that? Don't get me wrong, my wonderful, wonderful dad was the salt of the earth and had an 8th grade education while my mom had her masters. They had other things in common, like both being from Texas, religious, family-oriented, and perfectly matched in a sometime unhealthy, sometimes verbally abusive co-dependent relationship (hey, everything can't be perfect, you know?)

That said, it is indeed a fact that the humble guy has his pick of the litter still. BW outnumber BM 2-to-1. That fact you also can't argue. There's nothing wrong with Joe Humble, but are you saying that an accomplished BW who seeks someone who has achieved at her level should settle for Joe Humble? What about being equally yoked? I know I probably wouldn't have a whole lot in common with someone who grew up in Greenville, Texas and only went to school until he was 14, like my dad did. Simply put, a woman who is uber educated, well-traveled and refined may not want Joe Humble. She wants Joe Alpha-Got-It-Going-On, or at least Up-And-Coming Joe. Therein, lies the problem, and the VERY real storage.

 

[kmn1980]

^^^ that's a whole lot of typing for someone to miss the point entirely. Leaving a mom behind to do EVERYTHING is irresponsible and even though that's not the case 100% of the time, we all know most of the time its the brothers who are doing the bolting or are so misbehaved as to make staying with them ridiculous.

And any psychologist will tell you that an absent parent can often have more influence over the lives of their children then the one who is present by their sheer ABSENCE.

We can agree to disagree but not on account of the non existent facts you've presented but because we just see things differently.

Yeah, I know about psychological theory. I had 6 years of it in college. The overwhelming research just points out that kids who are raised by 1 parent usually have skewed development and grow to be screwed up adults. It's about 20% absent parent vs. 80% active parent. I know what you were trying to say; but the fact is that WOMEN ARE THE CHOOSERS!

 

[ambergirl]

^^^ yeah, not bowing down to your bullying and wrong thinking....like I said we disagree so I'm keeping it moving.

 

[Guitarhero]

However, I'm still convinced that most women wouldn't know a good man if Jesus Christ/Buddah/Allah/Krishna/Gnash walked the brother to their front door and vouched for him.

 

[Guitarhero]

Bunny, I'll be honest in saying that there are many black men who fit the above. They just don't get the attention of the media who love to focus on the ills of black communities. But see, my definition of "black" encompasses all men that are part of the diaspora - African, Afro-Caribbean, Afro-European, black men in South and Central America...black men throughout. Not only African American men. The media has a different definition of black and they do not encompass the diversity of our peoples. Their statistics, though not entirely based on fabrications, can be misleading.

And many of those have the exact same poor qualities. Talk about looking for a Tootsie Roll in a pile of turds!

 

[kmn1980]

You had me on all of it until this. You mention the humble guy who doesn't get much of a chance, but conversely, what if you are a well-accomplished woman who would like to be with someone of her equal? Is she wrong for that? Don't get me wrong, my wonderful, wonderful dad was the salt of the earth and had an 8th grade education while my mom had her masters. They had other things in common, like both being from Texas, religious, family-oriented, and perfectly matched in a sometime unhealthy, sometimes verbally abusive co-dependent relationship (hey, everything can't be perfect, you know?)

That's fine if you want someone with the same level of education. I'm saying, when someone asks why you're still single, tell them it's because you have a ____ and you want someone else with a ____ and you turn down anyone who doesn't have a ____. Stop the finger-pointing.

I wouldn't take verbal abuse. That's a MAJOR red flag. But, women are throwing the baby out with the bathwater.

That said, it is indeed a fact that the humble guy has his pick of the litter still. BW outnumber BM 2-to-1. That facts you also can't argue. There's nothing wrong with Joe Humble, but are you saying that an accomplished BW who seeks someone who has achieved at her level should settle for Joe Humble? What about being equally yoked? I know I probably wouldn't have a whole lot in common with someone who grew up in Greenville, Texas and only went to school until he was 14, like my dad did. Simply put, a woman who is uber educated, well-traveled and refined may not want Joe Humble. She wants Joe Alfa-Got-It-Going-On. Therein, lies the problem, and the VERY real storage.

1. But the humble guy doesn't have his pick. Ray Ray with gold teeth has his pick. The regular guy is too....regular. There are BW that won't even smile at a man in passing. What if Joe Alfa never spends any time with her because to have it "going on" he has to work 80 hours a week? What if Joe Alfa is home long enough to eat a sandwich and shower everyday? What if Joe Humble can keep a roof over head, feed you and the kids, keep you in clothing, can play with the kids, can take you to the movies every once in a while, can spend Christmas with you, etc... but he works 40 hours/wk and makes $45,000/yr? Everyone has a choice. I want Joe Humble because eventually, I'm going to become disillusioned by Joe Alfa not being home. A big house and a credit card can only do so much.

2. People want what they want but women forget that male selection criteria is NOT the same as female selection criteria. Unfortunately, BW think that it is. So they flaunt their education and "achievements" around like it's supposed to get them some brownie points and it actually only gets them 1, 2 maybe 3 brownie points but not much because that stuff is not at the top of a man's list. While they're flaunting, the good men are either waiting, gun shy, or moving on...

3. Comparable education and achievements doesn't make someone "on your level." That's self-explanatory.

4. I have to question a woman who is so accomplished, has this wonderful corporate job, and part of all these professional organizations that still can't meet a marriage-minded man. You mean to tell me that there aren't any eligible BM at your job that have comparable education and are "on your level"? The BM at your job don't have any friends? You didn't meet any BM who were in grad school with you who were "on your level"? You didn't meet any BM at the last Jack n' Jill function who were "on your level"? Sociology teaches us that people travel in social circles at are comparable to their own socio-economic level. You mean to tell me that there are no eligible BM within your radius? Your friends who are just as accomplished as you are don't know any BM that are on the same level?
I'm not buying it for one second unless you wake up, go to work, and come home and never go anywhere else.

5. Not religious but I'm almost certain that equally yoked is referring to spirituality, not stuff. Who knows? Bible scholars feel free to chime in.

6. You never know how you and Mr. Greenville, TX may get along. My husband is from country butt Memphis. I'm from Cuba but have lived in suburban Dallas most of my life. He loves wrestling...I think it's 100% fake. He loves mayo...I think it's the worst creation ever. He's very patient with people....me, not so much. He's a computer person...I can surf the net, check e-mail, and type documents. I traveled the world by age 13...he's been in Memphis, Dallas, and Disney World. We are different people with different experiences. But we both love God, believe in marriage, believe in family, believe in monogamy, love our children, believe it's better to save than to spend, want our kids to go to college debt-free, believe in setting an example of a strong relationship for our children, don't believe in raising our voice, believe in spanking, believe in going to dinner without the kids once or twice each month, etc...Now, how foolish would I have been to pass that up because we are on different levels educationally and grew up in different socio-economic circles?

Like I said, everyone has a choice. Even if we subtract the jailbirds, those on probation and parole, those who are just sorry, there's enough. There's always enough. You might not want them but that's your choice.

 

[Christelyn]

That's fine if you want someone with the same level of education. I'm saying, when someone asks why you're still single, tell them it's because you have a ____ and you want someone else with a ____ and you turn down anyone who doesn't have a ____. Stop the finger-pointing.

I wouldn't take verbal abuse. That's a MAJOR red flag. But, women are throwing the baby out with the bathwater.



1. But the humble guy doesn't have his pick. Ray Ray with gold teeth has his pick. The regular guy is too....regular. There are BW that won't even smile at a man in passing. What if Joe Alfa never spends any time with her because to have it "going on" he has to work 80 hours a week? What if Joe Alfa is home long enough to eat a sandwich and shower everyday? What if Joe Humble can keep a roof over head, feed you and the kids, keep you in clothing, can play with the kids, can take you to the movies every once in a while, can spend Christmas with you, etc... but he works 40 hours/wk and makes $45,000/yr? Everyone has a choice. I want Joe Humble because eventually, I'm going to become disillusioned by Joe Alfa not being home. A big house and a credit card can only do so much. (Not every Joe Alpha works a million hours a week to be successful. If you take that away from your argument, I don't know if it would quite stand up to critique.)

2. People want what they want but women forget that male selection criteria is NOT the same as female selection criteria. Unfortunately, BW think that it is. So they flaunt their education and "achievements" around like it's supposed to get them some brownie points and it actually only gets them 1, 2 maybe 3 brownie points but not much because that stuff is not at the top of a man's list. While they're flaunting, the good men are either waiting, gun shy, or moving on...(No one is talking about flaunting, and I certainly don't advocate BW walking around like peacocks with alphabets after their names. But the reality is that when a whole new world has been opened to you, you often want to surround yourself with people within that world.)

3. Comparable education and achievements doesn't make someone "on your level." That's self-explanatory. (No, but experiences and the lack thereof, does.)

4. I have to question a woman who is so accomplished, has this wonderful corporate job, and part of all these professional organizations that still can't meet a marriage-minded man. You mean to tell me that there aren't any eligible BM at your job that have comparable education and are "on your level"? The BM at your job don't have any friends? You didn't meet any BM who were in grad school with you who were "on your level"? You didn't meet any BM at the last Jack n' Jill function who were "on your level"? Sociology teaches us that people travel in social circles at are comparable to their own socio-economic level. You mean to tell me that there are no eligible BM within your radius? Your friends who are just as accomplished as you are don't know any BM that are on the same level? (Yep, there probably are! And you know what? Ten other BW are clawing each other's eyes out for him. I GAR-RUN-TEE. Your friends aren't introducing you because they want him for themselves--they're even going behind your back and talking bad about you to throw him off the scent if he's interested. If the ratio of accomplished men were equal or even close to equal, all you are saying would apply. But like Oprah said, "The numbers just aren't there." She's right. Check the Census. You're right: CNN and the media are suspect.
I'm not buying it for one second unless you wake up, go to work, and come home and never go anywhere else.)

5. Not religious but I'm almost certain that equally yoked is referring to spirituality, not stuff. Who knows? Bible scholars feel free to chime in. (Bible scholars, don't bother. I was just using "yoked" as a definition. Equally yoked in the Bible does mean spiritually, but in this case, I used the term, which I am entitled to do, to mean in relation to interests, intelligence, etc. )

6. You never know how you and Mr. Greenville, TX may get along. My husband is from country butt Memphis. I'm from Cuba but have lived in suburban Dallas most of my life. He loves wrestling...I think it's 100% fake. He loves mayo...I think it's the worst creation ever. He's very patient with people....me, not so much. He's a computer person...I can surf the net, check e-mail, and type documents. I traveled the world by age 13...he's been in Memphis, Dallas, and Disney World. We are different people with different experiences. But we both love God, believe in marriage, believe in family, believe in monogamy, love our children, believe it's better to save than to spend, want our kids to go to college debt-free, believe in setting an example of a strong relationship for our children, don't believe in raising our voice, believe in spanking, believe in going to dinner without the kids once or twice each month, etc...Now, how foolish would I have been to pass that up because we are on different levels educationally and grew up in different socio-economic circles? (That's wonderful! I'm so down with that. I just don't think that experience has to be limited to BM, and BW do so at their own peril. When you describe your DH, all those qualities can be attributed to any good guy. True, a lot of women want hoodies. But I would bet the majority want a stable, marriage-minded man who is committed. You may want to play with Rusty Crusty, but you get serious with Mr. Goodbar.)

Like I said, everyone has a choice. Even if we subtract the jailbirds, those on probation and parole, those who are just sorry, there's enough. There's always enough. You might not want them but that's your choice.

(I think that a lot of women, not just you, think that because it clicked and worked for them, it should be like that for everybody. That's a very self-centered way of thinking. "I got mine, if you would just do what I did, thought how I thought, you could have this too!" It's not true. I'm sorry, it isn't. And like you said before, you can argue all day but the facts speak for themselves. I'm not talking facts according to you or me, but hard data by the best source available, whether we like it or not.)

Comments bolded. Like I told you in the PM, you make some excellent points, to which I agree with MOST. This point however, with all the data that says otherwise, is like looking at the truth and saying it isn't. I say the world is round, you say it's flat. You are entitled to your belief, but if you stubbornly hold on to something false...well...erplexed

 

[Mis007]

I wasn't going to address this but since you asked...

In the 70's and before, two parent households were raising boys into men.

Now, mama-lead households are raising boys into __________. Complain all you want about today's Black man. With an 80% OOW birthrate the overwhelming probability is that a BW woman raised them so if they ain't sh**, who do we blame for that?

Guess you can't argue with that.

 

[Mis007]

Hey Christelyn,

I think the problem is that we try to individualize and psychologize something that is in many ways a societal and socio-economic problem. It's really not about BW or BM not being ****. It's about the ways both of us have been undermined by social, political/policy, and economic trends that have not served black people. Not to mention broader societal trends that are making it challenging for people of any race to find suitable mates. There is no other way to explain why MILLIONS of black people are experiencing the same challenges. Seriously, when you see a seachange in marital behavior like that in such a short span of time, that is a classic sign that something larger then the individual is going on.

ETA: This doesn't mean we can't do anything as individuals. In fact, in order to address these issue in your own life, you have to, but it does mean we need to stop with the finger pointing at each other and pointless blaming.

Very true.

 

[kmn1980]

(I think that a lot of women, not just you, think that because it clicked and worked for them, it should be like that for everybody. That's a very self-centered way of thinking. "I got mine, if you would just do what I did, thought how I thought, you could have this too!" It's not true. I'm sorry, it isn't. And like you said before, you can argue all day but the facts speak for themselves. I'm not talking facts according to you or me, but hard data by the best source available, whether we like it or not.)

Comments bolded. Like I told you in the PM, you make some excellent points, to which I agree with MOST. This point however, with all the data that says otherwise, is like looking at the truth and saying it isn't. I say the world is round, you say it's flat. You are entitled to your belief, but if you stubbornly hold on to something false...well...erplexed

Everyone's story is different. I'm saying that it's arithmetic we're dealing with here but everyone is making it seem like it's calculus and it's not. OOW kids, obesity, messed up value system that places $ and material things that don't matter above character, "playing around with Rusty Crusty" and with a degree does not = good wife material to most men be they Black, white or in between. The question is why BW have a problem finding a man when other ethnicities of women who are just as educated are not having the same problem. Obviously, it's not the education that's the dominant problem because other educated women (with standards and expectations just like BW) are married. Women whose men are dealing with the same social and economic hurdles that BM are dealing with.

Not every Joe Alpha works a million hours a week to be successful. If you take that away from your argument, I don't know if it would quite stand up to critique.

Okay. Our men have to work twice as hard to "make it". My dad was the Joe Alfa type and he had to work long hours because he's an entrepreneur. My younger brother (age 23) is an entrepreneur and he is always having to leave his fiance (Black and in law school) to travel for business. People with big money, especially brown people with big money, don't get it by being an employee 40 hours a week. That takes time and it takes work. The probability is that a man who is making the big bucks is going to be gone more than he's at home.

No one is talking about flaunting, and I certainly don't advocate BW walking around like peacocks with alphabets after their names. But the reality is that when a whole new world has been opened to you, you often want to surround yourself with people within that world.

Unfortunately, most BW are always peacocking about being "strong", "independent" and "educated" and having a "house", "car" and "job". That doesn't make you a good catch. That just means you're probably an adult. And you can surround yourself with people within your "new" world but why do that while excluding a lot of other wonderful people? It almost sounds like the "I'm above you now that I've made it." Almost like what BW have accused successful/famous BM (like athletes) of doing for years when they get with WW.

(Not directed specifically at you)To be honest, sometimes when I hear BW speak of BM, it's almost like you all hate them. I often hear complete vitriol when BW talk about BM. If that's the case, it's unfortunate because all that's happening is that they are slowly moving away from you and looking for more accepting arms.

Yep, there probably are! And you know what? Ten other BW are clawing each other's eyes out for him. I GAR-RUN-TEE. Your friends aren't introducing you because they want him for themselves--they're even going behind your back and talking bad about you to throw him off the scent if he's interested. If the ratio of accomplished men were equal or even close to equal, all you are saying would apply. But like Oprah said, "The numbers just aren't there." She's right. Check the Census.

The truth is that while BW are more educated, BM are making more money than BW according to the US Census ( 820 vs. 528 = 15.2% vs. 9.6% making over $50,000/yr.). AND BW have a Bachelor degree rate of 13% compared to BM at 11.4%). There's not some HUGE gap like BW make it out to be. WW have a Bachelor's rate of 18.9% and they're having nowhere near the problem BW are finding a man. So, if there's any dilemma it's that everyone is sniffing out the cash. Knowing this, if I were single, I'd expand my expectations for more options. Sorry, Oprah is a woman who let a man lay in her bed for 20+ years without the commitment of marriage so I'll pass on her.

As for "playing with Rusty Crusty", there's another part of the equation (I believe a big part). Why spend your best years messing with thug trash that you know will never develop into a serious relationship? Why play that kind of game especially with that kind of person when someone who would be real with you and serious and is "on your level" is passing you by? You can never get your time back. I would hate for any woman to "play" her way through her 20's, only to end up near 40 and the good men who were available while she was "playing" are long gone; and she's sitting there making up excuses about why she's single at 40.

Agree to disagree but again, women are the choosers. Whatever choice make, we have to be ready to live with it and not throw out a bunch of outlandish excuses when someone asks us about our choices or our choices come back and bite us in the @ss.

 

[january noir]

Yeah, I know about psychological theory. I had 6 years of it in college. The overwhelming research just points out that kids who are raised by 1 parent usually have skewed development and grow to be screwed up adults. It's about 20% absent parent vs. 80% active parent. I know what you were trying to say; but the fact is that WOMEN ARE THE CHOOSERS!

No matter what anyone else posts in this thread, this right here is the honest to God truth.

 

[SvelteVelvet]

*Scrolling through real quick* Not another post from the OP. I knew it when I saw it...this thread was BAIT! I'm glad I didn't waste the time or energy on this.