Why Men Cheat

[MissMasala5]

luckiedestiny

I read the article you linked to, and it's myopic, at best (and it was hard not to give the side eye when she put "devoted, loving mother" and "Sarah Palin" in the same sentence--I mean, huh???) And she didn't even provide citations for the 30-60% of women who cheat, as her article claims. I really doubt it's that high. All that rhetoric does is make cheating more justifiable for the men who cheat in the first place.

Generally, I think women are less likely to cheat in a LTR. OTOH, I also think that more women are becoming more open about casual dating or being in open relationships, even open marriages, in the sense that they are honest about their sexual needs and enjoy having options, without the societal stigma associated with it. And, it is possible these are the women who the cheating men end up with, whether or not the women know their relationship statuses.

Getting back to people being spiritually/emotionally grounded, I still stand by the point that women are more successful at this than men are. I'm not at all saying that men are incapable--after all, some men make efforts to embrace it and call it getting in touch with their 'feminine side'. But from a psychological POV, maybe even societal and cultural, women tend to link sex with love. Men, not so much. Women equate infidelity as a crime against the bond she shares with her SO. Men, not so much. For women, sex is an act of love, a physical manifestation of love. For men, it's really all about the sport, the act, the peen in the poonanny (and other welcoming orifices). All that other stuff is for our benefit. Case in point, how many porn films show extended foreplay? Slow love-making complete with long, passionate kisses and caresses? Longing eye-to-eye gazes? The only ones I know that do that are the ones directed by women, for who? Other women.

 

[MissMasala5]

Girl we are >>>here<<<

Shoot my day to day thoughts are seriously X rated, but I am not promiscious in the least. I think women tend to be less impulsive, less into immediate gratification, and more concerned about the impact their behavior as on others...and I'm pretty sure brain science backs up this notion that our brains tend to funcition differently then mens.

But luckiestdestiny has a point. More and more women are adopting "male" behaviors and attitudes...mostly as a survival tactic if you ask me.

ITA. It's almost like emotional armor in love/lust warfare.

The question is it really serving us...and to the point your raising is it serving our soul. I think not. I personally think we need to resist all the forces that try to undermine our "feminine" strengths like compassion and vulnerability. As I'm writing this I'm thinking about all the amazing African sisters I've met who are women through and through but who have no problem standing up for themselves and what they believe.

I think the answer to that question lies at the root of the woman's intentions. Is this a true, honest desire, to be in a non-committed relationship or cheat on an SO in a LTR for *insert good reason here*? Or is it some preemptive strike against the (hypothetical) typical, no good man who is going to end up hurting her, anyway? I'm all for women who have a strong sense of their sexual selves and have no qualms about getting theirs. But for the women who do it because of some distorted sense of self-preservation, and end up possibly hurting others? Nope.

 

[ambergirl]

ITA. It's almost like emotional armor in love/lust warfare.



I think the answer to that question lies at the root of the woman's intentions. Is this a true, honest desire, to be in a non-committed relationship or cheat on an SO in a LTR for *insert good reason here*? Or is it some preemptive strike against the (hypothetical) typical, no good man who is going to end up hurting her, anyway? I'm all for women who have a strong sense of their sexual selves and have no qualms about getting theirs. But for the women who do it because of some distorted sense of self-preservation, and end up possibly hurting others? Nope.

I wish you could see me nodding while reading your whole post!

For whatever reasons the black community gives some odd value to being "hard"...more so for men, but even women get criticized for not being "strong" black women; even in the face of some unbelievably gut wrenching crap I might add.

I think we as a community have lost touch with what genuine, complex, well-rounded masculinity looks like and in our hunger for male energy we evoke and sometimes revere the most cartoonish, thugish notions of manhood. And directly related to that is the hypersexuality and ho-wear some women are displaying because of their warped notions of what it takes to attract a man.

The answer isn't about putting your sexuality on lock-down until marriage, but honoring and valuing yourself enough to only share it with those who honor and value you.

As for the cheating issue, from what I've seen, I believe that for both men and women, most of the time there's some psychological issue at the root of it and it's almost never about a woman feeling "empowered" or a guy being a biological slave to his sex drive.

 

[MissJ]

The guy who posted this did so as a service to his female followers, and it's good advice. He also posts topics about men, but since there are no men here I don't post those. Well, actually I did post the one about going on Maury.

I can honestly say that I wish I had thought of the possibilty that I could be cheated on. I thought my ex was a pretty good person. Even when he finally told me he had cheated on me, I didn't believe it. I even came here asking why someone would say that. Everybody except one person said a guy wouldn't say that unless he's really cheating. I took the one person's advice that hurt the least. He didn't come straight out and say he was cheating. He kind of beat around the bush, but I wasn't getting what he was getting at.

Why he cheated? My attitude changed. I was normally a happy-go-lucky person, but then some things in our relationship changed. I became easily irritated and was always worried about certain things. I nagged him. I guess he didn't have any peace in the house. He didn't think he owed anythin gto me, bcecause I was not the same to him. Add to that, his cheating friends encouraging him. To me, my attitude wasn't any worse than his, but I guess he couldn't take what he dished out.

When he finally convinced me he was cheating, he didn't give me any detaials. I asked him , "Why?" He said, "It doesn't matter why. I did it. I liked it, and I'm going to keep doing it." Of course I was looking like ----> Then I said, "But I thought you were a better person than that." He replied, "Well, I'm not!" Me ---->

Everybody thought the was such a great guy, but from that I learned that you cannot know what's going on in someone else's relationship. He also carried on two other different relationships while he was in a relatinoship with me. Neither of us girls knew about the others. I would never have known he could find time to do that, because he spent every night at my apartment. He took me to school each morning, and we spent most of our days and nights together. We even made time for each other between classes, as we were both in the English department. The only thingis that I worked as a server Thursday through Sunday nights.

Now, I would never enter a relationship thinking 100% that a person would never cheat on me. I know I can't control what anyone does when the person is not with me. I can look out for myself and bring up the signs the my significant other if I see them.

-No longer a sleeping baby

 

[MissJ]

So there are some guys that don’t believe that their girlfriends or wives don’t have any say over what he does with his personal life and promising her fidelity is completely meaningless. It’s just something she has to hear in order to get down with the program.

As for the belief system argument, if a guy is a in a relatinoship with a woman and tells her that all mnen cheat, she should note to self that he is a cheater. He already told her what kind of relationship it's going to be. I would like to see the woman tell the man that every 3 months, she's going to get her freak on with someone else. He would think it's okay for him to cheat, but her part of the agreement would not fly with him. He'd probably be disgusted and not want to be in a relationship with her.