What would you do if your SO told you........
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aja1121
Well-Known Member
frankie said:
yes....I keep trying to tell her this and I think she is getting the picture. but, the problem is she met him while she was having her "quarter life crisis" and she wasn't really feeling herself, so things she should've established in the beginning she is trying to establish now and it may be too late. I really do think he loves her he just has so growing up to do... at 30, u would think it's about that time, but he recently had a career change and I think this will benefit them...if she still sticks around.
glamazon386
Well-Known Member
Was it in the heat of the moment? I've said mean things to SO's before when I was mad and screaming. Well not eat sh!t and die... but Go to Hell was my favorite phrase. 
People have a tendency to say things they don't really mean when they're mad. 
But if he had said that to me I might have wanted to clock him and then roll out. That was very disrespectful. And if he's said it more than once, he's probably been doing it all along and she's allowing him to do it. She should have nipped that in the bud a long time ago. You will not disrespect me. Period. It's too late now. He's going to keep doing it more than likely. She needs to roll... I know it's hard sometimes when you have friends in sticky situations. You could tell her things until you're blue in the face but until she realizes it for herself there's really nothing you can do but listen.
People have a tendency to say things they don't really mean when they're mad. But if he had said that to me I might have wanted to clock him and then roll out. That was very disrespectful. And if he's said it more than once, he's probably been doing it all along and she's allowing him to do it. She should have nipped that in the bud a long time ago. You will not disrespect me. Period. It's too late now. He's going to keep doing it more than likely. She needs to roll... I know it's hard sometimes when you have friends in sticky situations. You could tell her things until you're blue in the face but until she realizes it for herself there's really nothing you can do but listen.
aja1121
Well-Known Member
Sistaslick said:I've said some pretty incredible things myself in the heat of the moment . . .
We'd really have to know the details of their relationship, because one statement isn't the end all be all. And it was harsh, but we still don't know the context of the statement. What if he'd just found out she had given him an STD? Or she was cheating with his baby brother? Yes, he is soooo wrong for saying that, but was it a first reaction response to something she did.
If this is something that is ongoing, "unprovoked" and is chipping away at her as a person, I'd definitely start packing.
she is so innocent....the most she has ever done was look through his phone when he gave her reason. he only told her to eat sh*t and die once. but the time he told her she was the biggest mistake of his life was something stupid like her not doing what he asked. she thought someone was following her and he wanted her to meet him somewhere but she was already too close to home....so she went home or something like that.
carcajada
Well-Known Member
locabouthair said:
I disagree depending on the COMPLETE story and context (which I don't know). I've said really bad things and still loved the person. It's immaturity and lack of knowing how to express anger in a healthy way that made me say a lot stupid things at the wrong moments. Maybe he does need anger management classes or therapy, but only they can determine that.
No disrespect to your friend, but I don't think she needs to be telling anyone bits and pieces about her relationship since an outsider will never get the full story. She could be subconsciously wanting sympathy points and not telling everything she did. It's easy to talk about what the other person said and did and leave out what she did in order to hear what she wants to hear from an outside source.
I feel your situation as a friend who had friends that told me stuff like that. I now don't even listen to it or invite those type of discussion from females because no matter what I said to them, they still did what they wanted to do in their relationship .... and then I ran the risk of them turning on me for thinking I was hating on their relationship by telling them they should dump the guy. They usually just want someone to listen, but it gets annoying after a while when the guy is always doing something wrong yet the girl is still with him.
caltron
Well-Known Member
This sounds like emotional abuse to me. I could maaaaybe give him ONE pass if they were having a very prolonged, heated argument, but it seems excessive to say something like that for just a minor thing. Really, you shouldn't be saying that kind of stuff at all, no matter how angry you are.
Also, did you actually hear him say these things, or did your friend tell you he said them? I would be concerned that he may be doing a lot more than just saying mean things to her. A lot of abused women are afraid to come forward because they are ashamed.
Also, did you actually hear him say these things, or did your friend tell you he said them? I would be concerned that he may be doing a lot more than just saying mean things to her. A lot of abused women are afraid to come forward because they are ashamed.
yourleoqueen
New Member
In all my 30 mumble, mumble years, I have never heard 'Eat shyt and die' used in a positive context. The fact that these things were not both said at the same time makes it even worse. First she is told to eat shyt and die, then a week (day, month, what ev) later she is the biggest mistake of his life? What next, 'Shut the phuck up you stupid ****' with a punch in the mouth for emphasis?
years, I have never heard 'Eat shyt and die' used in a positive context. The fact that these things were not both said at the same time makes it even worse. First she is told to eat shyt and die, then a week (day, month, what ev) later she is the biggest mistake of his life? What next, 'Shut the phuck up you stupid ****' with a punch in the mouth for emphasis?
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yourleoqueen
New Member
^^^^ Good questions.
LocksOfLuV
New Member
calliope said:
I would ask her what was the events leading up to those statements JUST like I did here.
Just because she is my daughter doesn't mean the man isn't entitled to have his feelings hurt. Just like Sista said she could have game him an STI, slept with his cousin, and/or key'd his car. I am not one to base an assumption about what kind of man this is and I don't even know the story. What sense does that make.
Maa Maa omo mti
New Member
I wonder why the hell I'm with someone like that. I'm a short term relationship person so I would never find myself in that situation. She's finding reasons to stay instead of looking at the major reasons in front of her that's screaming to her to leave.
JFemme
Well-Known Member
aja1121 said:to eat sh*t and die or you are the biggest mistake of my life
My girlfriend has been with her SO for almost 3 years and he has said stuff like this to her maybe 5 times.
Problem
- she really loves him
- they just got an apt. together, both names on lease
- he tells everyone that she is the one and that he's going to marry her
- she loves his family
What would you do?
When people show you who they are -believe them. Bye bruh !!
Sistaslick
New Member
calliope said:
I mean, it's never just alright to speak to someone like that. Like Classy said, it's just a sign of someone who isn't mature enough to express their anger or disappointment in a constructive way. Obviously homeboy was DEAD wrong for saying that, especially if it was for no reason at all like the OP cleared up later. But even relatively emotionally healthy people get ticked and say things they don't mean from time to time.
Now, if he HIT her, I dont care WHAT she did, his behind is MINE. And, if he was speaking to her like that regularly or because she didn't check the mail, left the over on too long, or didn't pick up her cell-- then yes, I would definitely be upset and very concerned. She needs to get out and not look back.
BUT... here;s where context comes in for me. If God forbid my precious daughter had knowingly given him some kind of life threatening STD, was pregnant with his friend's/brother's baby, cussed out his dying mother on her death bed, or something WILD like that that would upset any rational human being then I couldn't call myself getting in as big a hissy about that. It wouldn't be OKAY with me obviously, but I couldn't pretend like it wasn't understandable coming from his end. I would tell her, she was wrong. You don't give a person a disease or sleep with a relative and expect them to say, "Baby, you're the best thing that has ever happened to me."
In these extreme cases, that relationship is more than likely over anyway. I was just saying simply based off the original post, I couldn't make a determination one way or the other. In a perfect world, no one would ever say anything mean to anyone else no matter what foul thing the person did. But in this story, I think the girl is definitely gettitng warning signs if she is as innocent as the OP states.
vevster
Well-Known Member
Verbal Abuse.... I couldn't be with someone who talks to me like that.aja1121 said:to eat sh*t and die or you are the biggest mistake of my life
My girlfriend has been with her SO for almost 3 years and he has said stuff like this to her maybe 5 times.
Problem
- she really loves him
- they just got an apt. together, both names on lease
- he tells everyone that she is the one and that he's going to marry her
- she loves his family
What would you do?
Sistaslick
New Member
LocksOfLuV said:I would ask her what was the events leading up to those statements JUST like I did here.
Just because she is my daughter doesn't mean the man isn't entitled to have his feelings hurt. Just like Sista said she could have game him an STI, slept with his cousin, and/or key'd his car. I am not one to base an assumption about what kind of man this is and I don't even know the story. What sense does that make.
I agree. Let my husband or SO come tell me that he thinks he gave me HIV or that he has gotten another woman pregnant. I'm a sweet young lady, and I consider myself very mature . . . but more than likely I won't be speaking to him very kindly in light of that fact. I'm sure I will be telling him to Eat Numerous Forms of S%#* and DIE a long tragic bloody death. Because at point, he IS hands down the biggest mistake of me and my kids' lives. Punk. Forget Eat S#&$ and die, I'd probably be the one that helped him on to a not so better place.
But those are just words, and that's totally out of my character. The rational me wouldn't have meant a word of it obviously, but out of hurt Lord knows what I wouldn't have spewed out at him. Or maybe I'm just a bad person?
Sistaslick said:I agree. Let my husband or SO come tell me that he thinks he gave me HIV or that he has gotten another woman pregnant. I'm a sweet young lady, and I consider myself very mature . . . but more than likely I won't be speaking to him very kindly in light of that fact. I'm sure I will be telling him to Eat Numerous Forms of S%#* and DIE a long tragic bloody death. Because at point, he IS hands down the biggest mistake of me and my kids' lives. Punk. Forget Eat S#&$ and die, I'd probably be the one that helped him on to a not so better place.
But those are just words, and that's totally out of my character. The rational me wouldn't have meant a word of it obviously, but out of hurt Lord knows what I wouldn't have spewed out at him. Or maybe I'm just a bad person?
Nah girl, you're not a bad person
- you've made an excellent point:if he had done something bad enough to get you to say those things, wouldn't the relationship be over in the first place? If he'd done even one of the mentioned things, would he really ever have a chance to hear it again, or would you be gone? This is what I mean. The op said that this wasn't a one time, now it's time to break up deal. It sounds to me like the words are on their way to becoming a disrespectful habit and I hope if they ever have kids that they NEVER hear daddy talk to mommy like that no matter what she's done. If he does say those things to her, it should be on the way out the door- not resurfacing every few months, years, etc.
LocksOfLuV said:I would ask her what was the events leading up to those statements JUST like I did here.
Just because she is my daughter doesn't mean the man isn't entitled to have his feelings hurt. Just like Sista said she could have game him an STI, slept with his cousin, and/or key'd his car. I am not one to base an assumption about what kind of man this is and I don't even know the story. What sense does that make.
I understand what you mean. But, how many times could you justify him "get his feelings hurt and calling her out?" Just like i said before, if she did do something awful to him, would it make sense for them to stay together, her do something again and then continue the cycle? The op didn't say that this was a one time statement. And how many men are really going to stay with a woman who serially cheats, gives STD's, etc. just to use words as their only means of revenge over and over? This is what it is and it sounds like it could lead up to abuse.
LocksOfLuV
New Member
calliope said:
True. I agree with you and Sista, constant talking like this is a sign of immaturity and verbal abuse.
I don't know the story and from reading the other posts the OP doesn't either. All she said was her friend was "innocent" (whatever that means). Her friend could just be using her to hear all the "girl you are too good for him" comments (which I have been through SOOOOO many times) with no intentions on telling her the OTHER side of the story or what she said/did before ole' dude made those comments.
That's the only reason that I am gonna say I am not gonna judge the man. I can't stand for chicks to come with me with a one-sided story just to have a dog-a-man-festival. Hell, to be honest with you *I* got the vibe that the OP has had negative history with the boyfriend and she may not even like him. So knowing my experiences with this, THAT'S why I chose to remain neutral. But that's just me.
Sistaslick
New Member
calliope said:Nah girl, you're not a bad person
if he had done something bad enough to get you to say those things, wouldn't the relationship be over in the first place? If he'd done even one of the mentioned things, would he really ever have a chance to hear it again, or would you be gone? This is what I mean. The op said that this wasn't a one time, now it's time to break up deal. It sounds to me like the words are on their way to becoming a disrespectful habit and I hope if they ever have kids that they NEVER hear daddy talk to mommy like that no matter what she's done. If he does say those things to her, it should be on the way out the door- not resurfacing every few months, years, etc.
Okay, because I might threaten to cut a few folks if that did come to pass You are absolutely right about what you said, too. A relationship with a bomb dropped like that would more than likely be over in that single event. Especially dealing with a man on the recieving end of the hurt. Lord knows most men would not stay in a relationship that crunk getting hurt and giving a woman chance after chance to get it right.
With a man, it is usually one strike you're out. A woman on the otherhand probably would stay on after having numerous bombs dropped, but I'd have a hard time seeing man in that position. Even for me, speaking with the head, the marriage should be over, end of story . . . speaking with the heart, honestly I'm not sure if I trust myself to walk out right away. (OT: Typing that out feels kinda troubling to me . . . Praying 'ish like that never happens ) On the otherhand, there is that slight chance that he might be in that minority of dudes that can take a beating and let's a beautiful woman step all over him. At the end of the day, we are all just guessing because we don't know their history. He could have taken her back after the last 4 times she "slipped up." Being a guy, it's probaby not likely-- but we dont know 'em enough to rule anything out yet. Even the OP doesn't know everything that is going on behind their closed doors.
carcajada
Well-Known Member
calliope said:
I would feel that she needed to tend to her relationship since I'd never know what REALLY happened by just listening to her side of the story. I would give tips on trying to find a professional and make myself available for any plan of action she wanted to take. Then I'd tell her to not tell me things like that in the future.
aja1121
Well-Known Member
LocksOfLuV said:
I've met her SO twice and he seems really nice. They make a very cute couple. She tells me everything.......the last thing she wants me to do is dog him out because that makes her look stupid. I'm like her diary.
I think them moving together was a big mistake because he is a "share my world, but don't touch myself type of guy" and most of those comments were based on stuff like this:
Ok, you know how an update for a program pops up on the computer and you can choose to update or do it later. She updated Media Player and he blew up and told her not to touch his stuff anymore.
And when she was going through her insecure stage, she found a questionable convo on his sidekick and he blew up....
So, those are some instances where the name-calling/verbal abuse wasn't necessary to me. But, it's always interesting to see what others think.
Lately things have been cool with them, I hope they are past this because the wedding bells are ringing from what I understand.
I should've been more detailed in the OP, but I didn't want it to be too long.
Tell your friend to keep it moving! I dont understand why people accept disrespect, this is the reason why men think they can say/do anything. Too damn many women talking about "baby its ok, we can work this out." I have a HOT Latin temper and there have been some times where I literally had to walk away before I ended up in jail. However, guess what? I WALKED AWAY. There is no sense that a so-called grown arse man can not do the same.
This is a border line abusive relationship, and since he has already made it clear that he think she is a mistake she needs to get out, Get Out, GET OUT!!!!!!!!!
This is a border line abusive relationship, and since he has already made it clear that he think she is a mistake she needs to get out, Get Out, GET OUT!!!!!!!!!
aja1121 said:I've met her SO twice and he seems really nice. They make a very cute couple. She tells me everything.......the last thing she wants me to do is dog him out because that makes her look stupid. I'm like her diary.
I think them moving together was a big mistake because he is a "share my world, but don't touch myself type of guy" and most of those comments were based on stuff like this:
Ok, you know how an update for a program pops up on the computer and you can choose to update or do it later. She updated Media Player and he blew up and told her not to touch his stuff anymore.
And when she was going through her insecure stage, she found a questionable convo on his sidekick and he blew up....
So, those are some instances where the name-calling/verbal abuse wasn't necessary to me. But, it's always interesting to see what others think.
Lately things have been cool with them, I hope they are past this because the wedding bells are ringing from what I understand.
I should've been more detailed in the OP, but I didn't want it to be too long.
Its never neccessary. Its abuse.
Sistaslick
New Member
aja1121 said:She updated Media Player and he blew up and told her not to touch his stuff anymore.
And when she was going through her insecure stage, she found a questionable convo on his sidekick and he blew up....
I should've been more detailed in the OP, but I didn't want it to be too long.
Yeah girl! You should have definitely spilled this in OP. Blowing up over updating a media player?
erplexed If he can't handle that without overreacting, he sure isn't mature enough to handle the anger behind something more serious that is bound to come up over the course of their marriage if there is one. Based on that, I'd definitely encourage her to take a good hard look at who AND what she's about to dedicate her life to. You should just be there for her right now as much as you can. Unfortunately the sad part is, no matter what you say, she is going to do whatever she wants to do. And if she goes through with the marriage, she may resent you for your honest advice.
Kinda OT, but this reminds me of my cousin. My 21 yr old cousin just got married last week, but a few months prior she told me she wasn't sure she really even loved her fiance. She still had strong feelings for this other guy, and only was getting married to her fiance because everyone had been putting them together since they were babies. The wedding was called off multiple times and she still talked to the other guy all the way up until the wedding. She asked me if she should wait and call off the wedding again. Of course, I encouraged her not to rush, to follow her own heart- and not to waste some honest guy's time if she knew she didn't love him. Needless to say, she walked on down the aisle because according to her "I do think I love him- I'm just scared, too much money has gone into this, and I can't call it off a third time"
So, on her wedding day, I felt like the conflicted, idiot matron of honor who encouraged her not to go through with it and will forever be in that group of folks they'll remember as "saying they couldn't make it."
I was still emotionally tied to the story she spun to me, and I could have put Johnny Cohran to shame pleading my case for her best interests, but apparently there was a powerful part of their relationship dynamic I wasn't privvy to. So do what you can, but don't be surprised if you she sends you some mail asking you to "save the date." 
Indigo's Hair
New Member
aja1121 said:to eat sh*t and die or you are the biggest mistake of my life
My girlfriend has been with her SO for almost 3 years and he has said stuff like this to her maybe 5 times.
Problem
- she really loves him
- they just got an apt. together, both names on lease
- he tells everyone that she is the one and that he's going to marry her
- she loves his family
What would you do?
Action speaks louder than words. Telling others that she is the one and that he is going to marry her carries no weight if he has been singing the same song for years. Again, action speaks louder than words.
Personally, I can not tolerate verbal abuse in my relationship. I feel like that is an indicator of immaturity. As an adult, he should know how to communicate his disappointment or anger without such harsh words. I do unto others as I would have them do unto me and since I would not speak to him like that I would not expect him to speak to me in such manner.
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