You did what......

[jem_mcmillan]

Good for her. I do not see a problem with her leaving the household. Either way someone was going to leave. At least she is taking this time to get her head together and this will be better for her children. I think it is so sad that so many are against the mother. Had it been the man, the responses would have been different.

 

[Aicer]

I don't see the difference between the woman leaving the man with his kids vs the woman leaving the man and taking the kids. The kids will still have just 1 primary parent. So I say good for her for having the courage to let the man take care of his children.

 

[Sasha299]

As someone who had experienced something similar I lost respect for my father but gained a whole new level of respect for my mom. I saw this as a child and yes I KNEW what was going on even though my mom tried to shield me from it. My only regret is that I was unable to be of more help to her.

 

[Ladybelle]

hmmm.. I don't know if I could do it. I have three kiddos and I would be constantly worrying: is dad letting the baby cry, is he doing x,y or z? Is he feeding them more than hotdogs & McDonalds everyday? What about the homework and does he remember the oldest is allergic to orange juice & is he getting them to school on time?And, the other host of things I do as a mom on a daily basis.

The worry alone would probably cause me to get my kids.

I do see her point though: why is mom ALWAYS the one left to keep it together? Why is mom always the one left to deal with the kids, even when there is an able-bodied daddy in the picture?

She's taking some time to get herself together, show him a lesson and I can certainly understand it, just don't know if I could do it - unless I had to. I don't even think I would want split custody with my dh because if I have to force him to be this kinda parent, it's probably better for the kids that he only get them every other weekend.... I dunno.

 

[ambergirl]

^^^ ASW we are >>>here<<<. Yeah it sucks that women often shoulder most if not all of the responsiblity of caring for their kids, but at the end of the day would you trust a man who went to such lengths to cheat and carry on with caring for those kids on his own? Her desire to teach him a lesson and get some time for herself is understandable, but at what expense? Time will tell....Under the circumstances I would have taken the 1 year olds with me and left him with the older kids. Or, if I really just needed alone time, I would have tried to find a family member who could care for the babies until I felt ready to take it back on.

And can I just add....it sounds like homeboy has been acting out of his name for quite some time....sooo.....how is it that they have six kids together? Did she not have a clue about his behavior and character over the years?

 

[Ladybelle]

^^^ ASW we are >>>here<<<. Yeah it sucks that women often shoulder most if not all of the responsiblity of caring for their kids, but at the end of the day would you trust a man who went to such lengths to cheat and carry on with caring for those kids on his own? Her desire to teach him a lesson and get some time for herself is understandable, but at what expense? Time will tell....Under the circumstances I would have taken the 1 year olds with me and left him with the older kids. Or, if I really just needed alone time, I would have tried to find a family member who could care for the babies until I felt ready to take it back on.

And can I just add....it sounds like homeboy has been acting out of his name for quite some time....sooo.....how is it that they have six kids together? Did she not have a clue about his behavior and character over the years?

exactly. Those first years are crucial for kids, whether they remember it or not who they become is very dependent on how they are cared for in those first formative years.

Maybe they'll be alright though because as Sasha stated up thread ^^^ she actually went through this and is perfectly fine with no resentment whatsoever towards her mom.

 

[Michelle1971]

hmmm.. I don't know if I could do it. I have three kiddos and I would be constantly worrying: is dad letting the baby cry, is he doing x,y or z? Is he feeding them more than hotdogs & McDonalds everyday? What about the homework and does he remember the oldest is allergic to orange juice & is he getting them to school on time?And, the other host of things I do as a mom on a daily basis.

The worry alone would probably cause me to get my kids.

I do see her point though: why is mom ALWAYS the one left to keep it together? Why is mom always the one left to deal with the kids, even when there is an able-bodied daddy in the picture?
Yes...and why did it take his cheating for her to drive that point home? If that was another issue in their marriage, she should have communicated that to him beforehand.

She's taking some time to get herself together, show him a lesson and I can certainly understand it, just don't know if I could do it - unless I had to. I don't even think I would want split custody with my dh because if I have to force him to be this kinda parent, it's probably better for the kids that he only get them every other weekend.... I dunno. She has SIX kids with this dude and she has to FORCE him to be a dad on top of his cheating IDK either but I do know that it sounds like a complete mess

In blue.......

 

[Michelle1971]

^^^ ASW we are >>>here<<<. Yeah it sucks that women often shoulder most if not all of the responsiblity of caring for their kids, but at the end of the day would you trust a man who went to such lengths to cheat and carry on with caring for those kids on his own? Her desire to teach him a lesson and get some time for herself is understandable, but at what expense? Time will tell....Under the circumstances I would have taken the 1 year olds with me and left him with the older kids. Or, if I really just needed alone time, I would have tried to find a family member who could care for the babies until I felt ready to take it back on.

And can I just add....it sounds like homeboy has been acting out of his name for quite some time....sooo.....how is it that they have six kids together? Did she not have a clue about his behavior and character over the years?

THANK YOU! I can't possibly believe that this was truly a shock.

 

[Ladybelle]

THANK YOU! I can't possibly believe that this was truly a shock.

I can see it being a shock because of the fact that they have six kids together. In order to have that many babies- something had to have been good or either there was a lot of denial going on. You don't have that many children with a man whom you think is suspect- no woman would willingly do that, at least I don't think.

Maybe she really didn't know what was going on which is why she is reacting in this matter.

 

[Michelle1971]

I can see it being a shock because of the fact that they have six kids together. In order to have that many babies- something had to have been good or either there was a lot of denial going on. You don't have that many children with a man whom you think is suspect- no woman would willingly do that, at least I don't think.

Maybe she really didn't know what was going on which is why she is reacting in this matter.

I hope that is the case. I truly do because that is a lot of children to have with someone who has been suspect.
Either way, I hope that everything works out for the OP's friend and her kids

 

[Krymsonkween]

She stated she really did not know this was going on. She says that until his sister told her things she thought where good. The other woman works with him and so therefore they did lunches, late night working, alled into work and thing slike that.

He did however take care of home so far as bills and things but she says she really did not know because most of it took place while at work and she works.

They have been together since highschool his excuse was he just got tired of all that was going on at home and needed a break. Whatever man.

But what I can say is that he has really stepped up to the plate. The kids are being feed. None are sick they are in daycare and other programs she had them in. He is seeing what being her feels like.

I don't know if he will appreciate this later but along with her parents and his he has had to do what he has to do.

I am also glad they did not send them to someone else as this would have given him an out. He has to cook breakfast, get clothes up for the next day, get up early, they daycare calls hims instead of her all the time, he has to take off if the kids are sick, go to the doctor with them instead of saying I can not get off work, he has to finally be dad!!!!!!!

 

[NOEChic]

hmmm.. I don't know if I could do it. I have three kiddos and I would be constantly worrying: is dad letting the baby cry, is he doing x,y or z? Is he feeding them more than hotdogs & McDonalds everyday? What about the homework and does he remember the oldest is allergic to orange juice & is he getting them to school on time?And, the other host of things I do as a mom on a daily basis.

The worry alone would probably cause me to get my kids.

I do see her point though: why is mom ALWAYS the one left to keep it together? Why is mom always the one left to deal with the kids, even when there is an able-bodied daddy in the picture?

She's taking some time to get herself together, show him a lesson and I can certainly understand it, just don't know if I could do it - unless I had to. I don't even think I would want split custody with my dh because if I have to force him to be this kinda parent, it's probably better for the kids that he only get them every other weekend.... I dunno.

^^^ ASW we are >>>here<<<. Yeah it sucks that women often shoulder most if not all of the responsiblity of caring for their kids, but at the end of the day would you trust a man who went to such lengths to cheat and carry on with caring for those kids on his own? Her desire to teach him a lesson and get some time for herself is understandable, but at what expense? Time will tell....Under the circumstances I would have taken the 1 year olds with me and left him with the older kids. Or, if I really just needed alone time, I would have tried to find a family member who could care for the babies until I felt ready to take it back on.

And can I just add....it sounds like homeboy has been acting out of his name for quite some time....sooo.....how is it that they have six kids together? Did she not have a clue about his behavior and character over the years?

Why marry and have kids with someone if you cannot trust them to take care of THEIR kids. It is normal to worry a little bit, but for you not to trust them to take care of their kids, you might as well not have married them or have kids with them.

 

[ambergirl]

Why marry and have kids with someone if you cannot trust them to take care of THEIR kids. It is normal to worry a little bit, but for you not to trust them to take care of their kids, you might as well not have married them or have kids with them.

In this case, maybe that would have been better. For me it's not about whether or not dad could handle 1 or 2 maybe 3 kids...but SIX??? and two of them are 1 year old twins??? Even the most patient, bestest parent in the world would be taxed being a single parent to six kids, even if the older one could help out.

Not to mention that based on the story it's not clear how involved he was in child rearing in the first place. If he's crying over a poopy diaper how would he handle a real parenting challenge? For those little ones it only takes a little inattention for a real catastrophy to happen.

I think where we're differing is that for me it's not about him and his trifling arse and whether or not I trust him or want to teach him a lesson, but what is in the best interest of those kids. And based on what's been said I wouldn't trust him to appropriately parent six children, particularly when there are real little ones involved.

ETA: so based on the latest update sounds like the grandparents are on the scene....I didn't see that in earlier posts and that makes a huge difference.

Still....since they've been together since High school, it's sounding more and more like both of them didn't work out their childish ways before getting married. I mean come on. Couldn't she move out but still chip in to take the kids to day care, school, etc. Now the grandparents are made to bear the burden...

The more I hear the more I just want to yell...."GROW UP".

Sorry ya'll I just don't see how this is something to celebrate or why it's a symbol of women's "liberation"

 

[ambergirl]

exactly. Those first years are crucial for kids, whether they remember it or not who they become is very dependent on how they are cared for in those first formative years.
Maybe they'll be alright though because as Sasha stated up thread ^^^ she actually went through this and is perfectly fine with no resentment whatsoever towards her mom.

I'm just thinking...if those were my kids I couldn't sleep at night for worry of not only what was going on now but how it would effect them later on. Might be fine, might not be...but I wouldn't want to be the reason my kids had issues later in life.

 

[Krymsonkween]

[/B]

In this case, maybe that would have been better. For me it's not about whether or not dad could handle 1 or 2 maybe 3 kids...but SIX??? and two of them are 1 year old twins??? Even the most patient, bestest parent in the world would be taxed being a single parent to six kids, even if the older one could help out.

Not to mention that based on the story it's not clear how involved he was in child rearing in the first place. If he's crying over a poopy diaper how would he handle a real parenting challenge? For those little ones it only takes a little inattention for a real catastrophy to happen.

I think where we're differing is that for me it's not about him and his trifling arse and whether or not I trust him but what is in the best interest of those kids. And based on what's been said I wouldn't trust him to appropriately parent six children, particularly when there are real little ones involved.

ETA: so based on the latest update sounds like the grandparents are on the scene....I didn't see that in an early post and that makes a huge difference.

Still....since they've been together since High school, it's sounding more and more like both of them didn't work out their childish ways before getting married. I mean come on. Couldn't she move out but still chip in to take the kids to day care, school, etc. Now the grandparents are made to bear the burden...

The more I hear the more I just want to yell...."GROW UP".

Sorry ya'll I just don't see how this is something to celebrate or why it's a symbol of women's "liberation"

I do understand your point, but most of the time she took care of the kids, school daycare, dr. because he always had to work. Now he is having to do all that she has had to do in the past.

The grandparents are not bearing the burden they are just making sure things are straight and he is doing what he is suppose to do. They stop by and call along with mom. They do not babysit for him, they do not pick the kids up or any of that, because mom always made arragments to do this.

He is now seeing what she had to do to keep the household runnng. If they don't stay together I think he is more appreaciative of what she does daily.

Update: She has gotten a lawyer to draw up papers to make sure he has time he picks the kids up and drop them off from school and or daycare, they have to split dr. appointments and he has to get the kids more than weekends.

 

[ambergirl]

^^^ I hear you but what she did and what he does is still not important in my book. It's about caring for those kids which are their mutual responsiblity regardless of whether or not one of them is acting like an arse. If she did everything before that was wrong, but turning the tables so now he does everything doesn't seem like the answer to me. The lawyer's agreement sounds more appropriate....

Anyway, my position is clear so I'll let folks go back to high fiving and celebrating this woman.

 

[Ladybelle]

Why marry and have kids with someone if you cannot trust them to take care of THEIR kids. It is normal to worry a little bit, but for you not to trust them to take care of their kids, you might as well not have married them or have kids with them.

It's not about trust, I'm sure we know that men & women parent differently. And, as a mother - if one of us has to be the full time parent, I'd rather it be me until all of the kids were of age.But, that's just me- to each his own. Babies need mommies & there are studies to show just how crucial the mother/child bond is those first few years.

This situation is a unique one & I wish said person the best. With that many kids, I certainly understand her desire to co-parent & do her best to ensure daddy is in the picture more often than not. I know that I personally wouldn't press the issue,but then again- I only have 3 kids. I would act a fool about the financial support though.... **shrugs**

I don't disagree with what she's doing at all, I just don't know if I could do it. Either way, the situation is disheartening. My heart goes out to her & her kids.

 

[Ladybelle]

^^^ I hear you but what she did and what he does is still not important in my book. It's about caring for those kids which are their mutual responsiblity regardless of whether or not one of them is acting like an arse. If she did everything before that was wrong, but turning the tables so now he does everything doesn't seem like the answer to me. The lawyer's agreement sounds more appropriate....

Anyway, my position is clear so I'll let folks go back to high fiving and celebrating this woman.

I agree with you ambergirl. ITA.

 

[gn1g]

I love it.

 

[NOEChic]

It's not about trust, I'm sure we know that men & women parent differently. And, as a mother - if one of us has to be the full time parent, I'd rather it be me until all of the kids were of age.But, that's just me- to each his own. Babies need mommies & there are studies to show just how crucial the mother/child bond is those first few years.

This situation is a unique one & I wish said person the best. With that many kids, I certainly understand her desire to co-parent & do her best to ensure daddy is in the picture more often than not. I know that I personally wouldn't press the issue,but then again- I only have 3 kids. I would act a fool about the financial support though.... **shrugs**

I don't disagree with what she's doing at all, I just don't know if I could do it. Either way, the situation is disheartening. My heart goes out to her & her kids.

i guess i am different bc i am picking someone who i know will be able to take care of his kids regardless if i am in the picture or not. I WILL NOT be doing EVERYTHING while he is kicked up watching tv...that is why we are both parents and things wont be done differently between the two of us we WILL be on the same page as it refers to rearing our kids.

Also I am in the military and will have to go TDY, PCS or deploy and leave my kids in the care of their father at anytime. I am not going to worry about what/how he is doing bc he will already know. I know women who left their BABIES at 6 months, what i look like saying we gonna send the baby to my momma and there is a able bodied man that gave half his DNA to the child and he gets off scott free

 

[PuddingPop]

Her 16 year old soon to be 17 talks with her mom daily. The dad does not know all they time they talk. She keeps her mom informed.

Shelly said daddy was crying cause both the twins pooped and he could not stand the smell and I went outside so he could not ask me to help.

She also said the dad tried to call the other woman a couple of times and she would not answer the phone.

I think all will be good. She has the kids this weekend (she goes tot he house and the dad can not just leave) I told some of the comments and she feels really good.

Please forgive me but I am @ the bolded.

 

[aribell]

^^^ ASW we are >>>here<<<. Yeah it sucks that women often shoulder most if not all of the responsiblity of caring for their kids, but at the end of the day would you trust a man who went to such lengths to cheat and carry on with caring for those kids on his own? Her desire to teach him a lesson and get some time for herself is understandable, but at what expense? Time will tell....Under the circumstances I would have taken the 1 year olds with me and left him with the older kids. Or, if I really just needed alone time, I would have tried to find a family member who could care for the babies until I felt ready to take it back on.

To the bolded, while a good father should be concerned about honoring his children's mother, it should not be assumed that his feelings for her (or lack thereof) are a reflection of what he is willing to do for his children to make sure that they are taken care of. Husband and father are definitely connected roles, but they are distinct from one another.

Again, unless something specific shows that a father will not meet his children's needs, isolating the kids from their father because of his infidelity toward you is exactly what plays out in so many divorce situations and women don't even realize what they're doing.

The strength of a mother's worry or anxiety is not necessarily the best measure of what is objectively best for the children.

 

[NOEChic]

To the bolded, while a good father should be concerned about honoring his children's mother, it should not be assumed that his feelings for her (or lack thereof) are a reflection of what he is willing to do for his children to make sure that they are taken care of. Husband and father are definitely connected roles, but they are distinct from one another.

Again, unless something specific shows that a father will not meet his children's needs, isolating the kids from their father because of his infidelity toward you is exactly what plays out in so many divorce situations and women don't even realize what they're doing.

The strength of a mother's worry or anxiety is not necessarily the best measure of what is objectively best for the children.

SOOOOOOOOOOOOO glad that my momma did not do that. She actually PUSHED my sister and I to spend time with our father.

 

[michelle81]

I see nothing wrong with it. I don't think the kids will be hugely affected, it's only a few months and the babies won't even remember it.

I'm sure the older kids talk to their mom regularly and the dad is learning a huge lesson here.

I could possibly see myself doing the same thing. I'm sure she loves her husband and this must really hurt her for him to cheat in the first place. I'm sure she also knows her husband can be/is a good father and that he will "figure it out".

Not sure if I could do it for six months though, but hats off to her if she can deal with it that long.

 

[ambergirl]

To the bolded, while a good father should be concerned about honoring his children's mother, it should not be assumed that his feelings for her (or lack thereof) are a reflection of what he is willing to do for his children to make sure that they are taken care of. Husband and father are definitely connected roles, but they are distinct from one another.

Again, unless something specific shows that a father will not meet his children's needs, isolating the kids from their father because of his infidelity toward you is exactly what plays out in so many divorce situations and women don't even realize what they're doing.

The strength of a mother's worry or anxiety is not necessarily the best measure of what is objectively best for the children.

This has nothing to do with isolating a father from his kids. No one is talking about that. It's about a mother leaving her kids to teach a man a "lesson". Her decision has nothing to do with what's best for the kids...that's my problem.

And the fact that's he's calling his sidepiece (in earshot of his daughter mind you) when he's supposed to be taking care of the kids makes it clear where his priorities are. What if the sidepiece had said "sure I'll help out"...how wonderful would this mother feel if she knew her husband's mistress was in her house taking care of her kids and maybe even sleeping there?

 

[NOEChic]

This has nothing to do with isolating a father from his kids. No one is talking about that. It's about a mother leaving her kids to teach a man a "lesson". Her decision has nothing to do with what's best for the kids...that's my problem.

And the fact that's he's calling his sidepiece (in earshot of his daughter mind you) when he's supposed to be taking care of the kids makes it clear where his priorities are. What if the sidepiece had said "sure I'll help out"...how wonderful would this mother feel if she knew her husband's mistress was in her house taking care of her kids and maybe even sleeping there?

Just bc he called his sidepiece doesn't mean that he is not taking care of his kids. He also probably didn't know his daughter was spying on him. Men can be total douches to their wife girlfriend mother sister buy when it comes to his kids the best father in the world . It seems like y'all want to condemn the mother for taking a stand. If she would have just rolled over y'all would be calling het dumb as well. She can't won for losing with y'all.

 

[ambergirl]

^^^ I'm not condeming her, I'm saying I don't see why folks are applauding this. And let's be real about what's going on here. First off based on what's been posted, he doesn't sound like he's been the best dad in the world so while your general notion that someone can be a bad husband and a good father is true not sure this is the case in this situation.

Second, sounds like this mother is asking her daughter to spy since it was posted earlier that they are having secret conversations. Now how is that supportive of him as a parent and for those folks who are worried about her alienating him from the kids, what does that say about the type of relationship that daughter is having with her father?

And last I think if she had stayed in this situation and done nothing to deal with it, then folks would have been critical. What would have been better IMO is if she had been smart about leaving rather then just react and up and leave in order to punish him. When you have six children you don't have the luxury of behaving like one of them. Whether you like or not you have to rise above the BS and behave like an adult, even when your partner is not.

What it really sounds like to me is that they got married and became parents too young and now both of them are chaffing at the responsibility. I feel for women who became mothers too early and missed out on being young, having fun, and pampering themselves which is what it sounds like she's been doing. Maybe she needed this time to herself regardless of whether or not homeboy was stepping. That's understandable, but it seems to me that a responsible parent would have a better plan in place then the non-plan that seems to be operating here (six months not taking mutual responsibility for your kids? Really?)

 

[texasqt]

As with all threads on this forum, everyone is entitled to their own opinions and everyone's opinion is not going to be the same. Especially since we come from different backgrounds. My parents divorced when I was in the third grade so I see things differently than someone who's parents have been married through the 'thick and thin' for 50+ years. Ultimately, however, there is no 'better' method, planned or not, that will be the best for the kids. The family is divided and regardless of how it is done, the division is going to cause issues for the kids that they will have to deal with as a family.

 

[Michelle1971]

I agree with every.single.word of ambergirl's post . I think that folks are just e-patting her on the back for taking a "stand" and are not looking at the overall picture and implications of everyone's actions. This situation is not as simple as people are trying to make it.
Quoted again for emphasis...

^^^ I'm not condeming her, I'm saying I don't see why folks are applauding this. And let's be real about what's going on here. First off based on what's been posted, he doesn't sound like he's been the best dad in the world so while your general notion that someone can be a bad husband and a good father is true not sure this is the case in this situation.

Second, sounds like this mother is asking her daughter to spy since it was posted earlier that they are having secret conversations. Now how is that supportive of him as a parent and for those folks who are worried about her alienating him from the kids, what does that say about the type of relationship that daughter is having with her father?

And last I think if she had stayed in this situation and done nothing to deal with it, then folks would have been critical. What would have been better IMO is if she had been smart about leaving rather then just react and up and leave in order to punish him. When you have six children you don't have the luxury of behaving like one of them. Whether you like or not you have to rise above the BS and behave like an adult, even when your partner is not.

What it really sounds like to me is that they got married and became parents too young and now both of them are chaffing at the responsibility. I feel for women who became mothers too early and missed out on being young, having fun, and pampering themselves which is what it sounds like she's been doing. Maybe she needed this time to herself regardless of whether or not homeboy was stepping. That's understandable, but it seems to me that a responsible parent would have a better plan in place then the non-plan that seems to be operating here (six months not taking mutual responsibility for your kids? Really?)

 

[Bmack]

I see the point, and I did not think (from reading ur post) that she meant to hurt her children. Men do this ish all the time with the intentions of never returning. So, good for her. She did not kiss her kids goodbye and never return she just let his arse know how it feels. They have a lot of children too. Ish I am clapping my damn hands to this one! She probably needed a damn break to tidy up her head (get her mind right).

I know her plan was not to hurt her children but to teach her husband (like most men) when you cheat and leave the wife at home to deal with everything while you go out have fun and not have that care. I know that was her only thing. As the mom you have to always pick up and make it better she did not have them by herself and they are all his.

I know some may say it is wrong or she should not have left, but as I said for so long women have to stay and pick up the pieces when he cheats and goes out I guess she felt oh well let him see how he likes it.

My humor comes in the fact that that he looks worn out like he is so dog tired and she is so refreshed. (as he would if he had left her home with the kids)

I don't think she had a plan of this is the way to stop him from cheating just she was not going to take it lying down.

She is a very good mom and keeps in touch with her kids daily and on weekends. The oldes is 16 youngest twins 1. Where it would have been she keeps the kids and he see's them on weekends she said nope.

I hope her kids do not hate her as I know she was and is hurt and this is her way of dealing with it.

I am sorry if some are offended. But in all honesty I understand her point to some degree. I don't think she will stay gone 6months.