What would you do if your SO/DH stole money from you?

[Blaque*Angel]

My cousin found out several days ago her DH stole money from her!!
Some men are just so trifiling, She says she has been questioning him. He shows no remorse and did not apologise until she prompted him too!!

I will be holding onto my purse tightly when I go to her house

She says she checked her bank account noticed about $100 was missing
She did not think much of it at first then began to question herself, She knew clearly that she did not take out any money from her bank, So contacted her bank. The ATM which was used was round the corner from her house,

She spoke to her husband about it and he just played along with it saying "wow, thats strange!"

The bank had to cancel her old cards, send her new cards, reimburse her money, contact the police.
She spoke to her husband about it again and he said "I think we should get the police involved, lets go to the station!"

The next day the police contacted my cousin and told her they have a image of a man withdrawing monies from her account,using her card
She told her husband she was going to the police station to view the image.. *I asked at this point did she not know it was him?*

She says no, They have been together 16 years, She trusts him..She has left huge amounts of money around the house and he never touches her personal belongings.

Back to the story:

She says her husband was fidgetting, He was sweating, He had his head down,he would not give her eye contact..

She asked out of shock.."Was it you?" He replied "The only times I take monies out of your account is when you request me to."

She says why can you not chill then? Her husband took out the trash..
She stood at the door and said to him "I know it was you!"

He then said "OK,Yes..It was!"

No remorse, no apology,no explanation

She had to grill him to get out some BS story.

*He has an history of mental illness* If that makes a difference..

His BS story was:
He's depressed,He feels suicidal, He wanted to go on a little get away trip..
He has never stole from her or anyone else before, He was angry as they had a huge argument a few weeks prior and had not made up, He was missing her and sex.
He felt unloved, He thought she was being selfish lately..etc etc etc..

My cousin is not satisfied with this story, She told the bank it was a family theft,She dropped the charges with the cops,She has put him on the sofa, She has locked away all of her belongings in safety boxes..

She says he keeps his head down constantly, avoids eye contact and conversations with her.

The trust is out of the window n ow.

The thing that gets me mad out of this whole issue is she is not being "mean" to him, I went to her house yesterday and HE is the one giving HER silent treatment. She is rushing around after him, Cooking him meals, Being extra nice..I know she does not want to lose her husband but she has to face facts that something is not right at all.

It is either he is experiencing mental problems again, He has turned into a petty theif after all of these years, He is demanding her attention or something..

She asked me what I would do if it was me! I told her I would be doing the opposite you are doing, Why are you trying to make him feel comfortable after he has messed up your trust? Why are you cooking for him?

You supposed to let him do the grovelling,He is the one who needs to be apologising, cooking,cleaning, showing he is genuinely sorry not sat there frowning like the world is on top of his shoulder..

I think she is a fool and she bends over backwards for him.
He actually cheated on her *(for the first time*) about 6 years ago..He got the woman/one night stand pregnant immediately.

The woman lost the child then my cousin got back with him and had a child every year. they have four children now aged 5,4,3 and 2.

Something is not right. She has lost a lot of weight and when you look in her eyes she looks stressed, She's very beautiful inside and out and I think he is taking the piss. He is taking her kindness for weakness..She deserves much better than this, I love her so much but do not want to see her being abused emotionally by this guy any longer.

I hardly speak to him after his one night stand issue.But this theft thing is making me want to get my male cousin to talk to him!

Also, She is the breadwinner. She has a high paid job with lots of hours, he does not work because of his mental illness. So stays at home with the younger children,The others are in some type of daycare.
He appears to be A good dad. The children are always all over him, kissing him and everything. He cooks and cleans etc...Apart from his depression, getting the one night stand girl pregnant and now this theft he seems OK..

But my dear cousin seems to be doing wayyyyy too much to keep this guy happy. HE doesn't need to worry about paying the bills,buying food, clothes, child care /day care etc as my cousin does everything for him..he lives scot free. In the house that my aunt bought for my cousin.

I feel anoid reading this back, as it is obvious he is taking her for a fool..

 

[Lenee925]

*He has an history of mental illness* If that makes a difference..

His BS story was:
He's depressed,He feels suicidal, He wanted to go on a little get away trip..

If he's not willing to seek therapy in order to change then I'd have to file divorce papers. I wouldn't even be surprised if he was getting it in on the side and had to get money for a hotel room.

I think she is a fool and she bends over backwards for him.
He actually cheated on her *(for the first time*) about 6 years ago..He got the woman/one night stand pregnant immediately.

Ok I just read this, so yes, of course he is cheating again.

The woman lost the child then my cousin got back with him and had a child every year. they have four children now aged 5,4,3 and 2.

Now I feel that your cousin may also want to seek counseling for ignoring all the red flags openly and glaringly displayed by her DH. Also, I'd want to know why she thought continuing to have his children would keep him, but that may not be PC. If she were a vindictive women, she'd get a divorce solely based on how miserable his life would be having to pay child support for 4 small children. Wonder how depressed and suicidal he'd feel then.

 

[Blaque*Angel]

Thanks for your reply Lenee.
I think she is just madly in love with this guy, I asked her if she thought he was cheating again- And she says no, as he is constantly with their children. He is a "House Husband"

I'm not even sure why she had all those little sweet babies close together like that, But I feel she could've wanted to give him a "role" in life?

He felt worthless before becoming a dad and now is "happy"

She doesn't have a bad bone in her body, She's the type of person who thinks she is superwoman and does everything for everyone.

I just think he's going to run her into the ground, As he is really messing with her emotions.

 

[tash85]

*He has an history of mental illness* If that makes a difference..

In, my opinion, yes, it does make a difference

His BS story was:
He's depressed,He feels suicidal, He wanted to go on a little get away trip..
He has never stole from her or anyone else before, He was angry as they had a huge argument a few weeks prior and had not made up, He was missing her and sex.
He felt unloved, He thought she was being selfish lately..etc etc etc..

People act out in different ways, this was his way of venting his frustrations.

It is either he is experiencing mental problems again, He has turned into a petty theif after all of these years, He is demanding her attention or something..

Yep attention is what he needs. I he his a househusband and looking after children all day, a part of him must be pining for some adult interaction. If he is not getting it from your cousin, he may find it elsewhere, as he already has. Im getting the feeling that he is feeling a little emasculated and used the theft as a way to 'get one over' on her.

I understand that your cousin is angry, but it is obvious that he is angry too. They both have unmet needs in their relationship that they have to come to some kind of compromise about.

 

[Blaque*Angel]

Thanks tash, I know, his job must be hard.
I think he done it to crave attention also.

It's a sad situation, my cousin works 15 hours a day, so she says she is always too tired for sex, then she has the babies to take care of-who also miss her.

maybe she's going to have to cut down her hours to save her family life?

 

[ThatJerseyGirl]

*adjustin glasses n pulls out a pack of newport out my bra*.....

*lights up said newport one hunnit*

lemme git dis hea straight. she's missin money, da dummy suggests that they go call da cops, she acts on it, they pull an image and she don't know if its him or not...but fa real it's his stoopit azzsz...he start actin nervous, and confesses it while he takes out da trash....and then says he did it cuz he felt suicidal, neglected, he was angry cuz they had an argument a week ago, ain't had no sex, and wanted to take a trip...and he got some mental issues...and they got 4 kids and she da breadwinner. Ok yall..imma need yall to go back n re-read dis whole situation again.

*puff n plucks ash*

git da phuck outta dodd wif dat..... are u shyttin me???

first of all, who marries someone who is mentally disabled, then turns around n has a rack of chirren by'em?

 

[dlewis]

*adjustin glasses n pulls out a pack of newport out my bra*.....

*lights up said newport one hunnit*

lemme git dis hea straight. she's missin money, da dummy suggests that they go call da cops, she acts on it, they pull an image and she don't know if its him or not...but fa real it's his stoopit azzsz...he start actin nervous, and confesses it while he takes out da trash....and then says he did it cuz he felt suicidal, neglected, he was angry cuz they had an argument a week ago, ain't had no sex, and wanted to take a trip...and he got some mental issues...and they got 4 kids and she da breadwinner. Ok yall..imma need yall to go back n re-read dis whole situation again.

*puff n plucks ash*

git da phuck outta dodd wif dat..... are u shyttin me???

first of all, who marries someone who is mentally disabled, then turns around n has a rack of chirren by'em?

If I can't trust you enough to leave money around you then :nono.

 

[Keen]

If this man is mentally sick enough not to be able to work then this is not just a petty thief situation. He may need ongoing counseling to deal with the illness. Unfortunately, these are the things she must deal with if this is due to his mental illness.

 

[JustKiya]

I was so confused at first, because I can't wrap my mind around the concept of my husband 'stealing' our money. But clearly, they are in a my money/his money kind of relationship, and he doesn't feel comfortable in asking her for money. *shrug*

Then, the man has mental issues/suffers from depression, and he is in a house full of children all day? That's not healthy, for him or for the kids. And he doesn't feel like he is valued/appreciated (as most men judge that by the nana) as well?

That's a real clusterfark of a marriage, right there - they both need counseling, together and individually, and he might need to get on some meds.

ETA: As for what I would do? Well, DH can't steal from me - what's mine is his - so it wouldn't even be an issue.

 

[Flavia]

I was so confused at first, because I can't wrap my mind around the concept of my husband 'stealing' our money. But clearly, they are in a my money/his money kind of relationship, and he doesn't feel comfortable in asking her for money. *shrug*

Then, the man has mental issues/suffers from depression, and he is in a house full of children all day? That's not healthy, for him or for the kids. And he doesn't feel like he is valued/appreciated (as most men judge that by the nana) as well?

That's a real clusterfark of a marriage, right there - they both need counseling, together and individually, and he might need to get on some meds.

ETA: As for what I would do? Well, DH can't steal from me - what's mine is his - so it wouldn't even be an issue.

That's the first thing I thought of. Sometimes love make people lose every iota of common sense erplexed I have a million scenarios going through my head, and I watch too much damn Investigative Discovery.

 

[Nyssa28]

I was so confused at first, because I can't wrap my mind around the concept of my husband 'stealing' our money. But clearly, they are in a my money/his money kind of relationship, and he doesn't feel comfortable in asking her for money. *shrug*

Then, the man has mental issues/suffers from depression, and he is in a house full of children all day? That's not healthy, for him or for the kids. And he doesn't feel like he is valued/appreciated (as most men judge that by the nana) as well?

That's a real clusterfark of a marriage, right there - they both need counseling, together and individually, and he might need to get on some meds.

ETA: As for what I would do? Well, DH can't steal from me - what's mine is his - so it wouldn't even be an issue.

ITA w/ the bolded! That's almost like saying, he broke into MY house.

 

[MissMeWithThatIsh]

I'm sorry but he would be arrested.

Not even sorry... and acting stupid? and you cheated on me?

Negro boo...

 

[weaveadiva]

...Apart from his depression, getting the one night stand girl pregnant and now this theft he seems OK..

girl what do you mean "apart from" those things? those are character/personality traits...that's who he is!

ETA: As for what I would do? Well, DH can't steal from me - what's mine is his - so it wouldn't even be an issue.

ITA w/ the bolded! That's almost like saying, he broke into MY house.

every relationship is different. maybe they have separate accounts, also, which would indeed make it even worse

i think the major issue here is how far he let it go! i mean, the woman called the freakin cops and filed charges! he let her embarrass and stress herself, waste time, energy and money while having the nerve to not only lie dead in her face, but act surprised

(this reminds me of that "cosby show" episode where rudy stole money from claire)

OP, don't know what i would do, but from the backstory you gave us, it doesn't sound like she'll be doing anything

 

[Blaque*Angel]

*adjustin glasses n pulls out a pack of newport out my bra*.....

*lights up said newport one hunnit*

lemme git dis hea straight. she's missin money, da dummy suggests that they go call da cops, she acts on it, they pull an image and she don't know if its him or not...but fa real it's his stoopit azzsz...he start actin nervous, and confesses it while he takes out da trash....and then says he did it cuz he felt suicidal, neglected, he was angry cuz they had an argument a week ago, ain't had no sex, and wanted to take a trip...and he got some mental issues...and they got 4 kids and she da breadwinner. Ok yall..imma need yall to go back n re-read dis whole situation again.

*puff n plucks ash*

git da phuck outta dodd wif dat..... are u shyttin me???

first of all, who marries someone who is mentally disabled, then turns around n has a rack of chirren by'em?

at your reply. your posts always make me laugh and i imagine madea talking and smoking!

well,back to the topic at hand. she actually married her husband before he had a mental episode/nervous breakdown. and she did have 4 children by him!

he is a nice person, and if you did not know he had an episode you would could never have guessed! he don't look or act "mad" he's actually well mannered and good looking.

she didn't call the cops, the bank alerted the cops..

 

[Blaque*Angel]

I was so confused at first, because I can't wrap my mind around the concept of my husband 'stealing' our money. But clearly, they are in a my money/his money kind of relationship, and he doesn't feel comfortable in asking her for money. *shrug*

Then, the man has mental issues/suffers from depression, and he is in a house full of children all day? That's not healthy, for him or for the kids. And he doesn't feel like he is valued/appreciated (as most men judge that by the nana) as well?

That's a real clusterfark of a marriage, right there - they both need counseling, together and individually, and he might need to get on some meds.

ETA: As for what I would do? Well, DH can't steal from me - what's mine is his - so it wouldn't even be an issue.

Everyone's marriage is different. My husband and I share accounts so we wouldn't have a situation like this, As I also believe whats mine is his and vice versa..

They have several bank accounts *(savings, childrens etc)*
The money went from her bank account which she uses for things for her leisure not their shared account.

It's a mad situation. But it is what it is!

I suggested counselling, but she does not think she needs it and the husband is too proud to go to counselling.

Both of the children's grandparents help out DH, Yes. he is a house husband but he does not have all of the burden on himself, When he needs help he asks for it.

At times when he brings the eldest child to the dentist, I will have him bring the others to my house-The children are a joy to be with.

I will make this clear-
He is not suffering from mental illnesses right now, but a few years ago he did have a bout of depression, which turned into a mental episode. it has not been repeated again, so the Dr's have written it off as an "acute episode"

It's not like he is a walking lunatic, I wouldn't have my little cousins in a situation like that!

 

[chicitygirl]

Aside from their obviously dysfunctional marriage, which I think there's no hope for. Why is he too mentally ill to work but he's trusted to take care of young children all day? What's that nonsense all about?!?!

 

[Misseyl]

With that being said, that's why I don't envy some women in their relationships, because the crap they'll accept in a man I definitely would not. Sick or not, he has to get a job outside the house, after-all he's a man. How does he feel at the end of the day, not contributing anything to the household? He needs to man-up and go get employed. Make the effort. And as for your cousin going out of her way to please him, girl that's her man and she'll do whatever it takes to keep him. Some women will accept anything just to have a man around, plus I bet she's thinking of the kids.

Stealing is a no, no, now she has to hide/lock up everything. I had two boyfriends who stole from me and I remember once, one of them tried to get me to purchase something for him, girl, I went off, cussed his butt out about the theft, I haven't seen or heard from him since. Nerve

 

[Blaque*Angel]

girl what do you mean "apart from" those things? those are character/personality traits...that's who he is!


every relationship is different. maybe they have separate accounts, also, which would indeed make it even worse

i think the major issue here is how far he let it go! i mean, the woman called the freakin cops and filed charges! he let her embarrass and stress herself, waste time, energy and money while having the nerve to not only lie dead in her face, but act surprised

(this reminds me of that "cosby show" episode where rudy stole money from claire)

OP, don't know what i would do, but from the backstory you gave us, it doesn't sound like she'll be doing anything

I meant "apart from" as my cousin's husband is a nice guy apart from the three negative things i listed above. I disagree that his mistakes are his character traits. I know my mistakes do not define who I am!

she did not call the cops, the bank did. the bank told her she must speak to the cops-when i spoke to her yesterday, she had not visited the cops.
she phoned the bank and let them know it was a family issue and i think it is them that notified the cops to drop the charges? (i will ask her about that)

well.. i do hope she would do something about it or it could spiral out of control.

 

[Blaque*Angel]

Aside from their obviously dysfunctional marriage, which I think there's no hope for. Why is he too mentally ill to work but he's trusted to take care of young children all day? What's that nonsense all about?!?!

I am not sure, maybe he choses not to work? IMHO it doesn't seem like he is unfit for work, he has had side hustles before the babies were born. but stopped to be a "house husband"

I agree their marriage is not healthy, But they seem to be doing OK..I have witnessed a lot worst.

 

[mscocoface]

Your cousin has some very very difficult choices to make right now.

 

[Blaque*Angel]

With that being said, that's why I don't envy some women in their relationships, because the crap they'll accept in a man I definitely would not. Sick or not, he has to get a job outside the house, after-all he's a man. How does he feel at the end of the day, not contributing anything to the household? He needs to man-up and go get employed. Make the effort. And as for your cousin going out of her way to please him, girl that's her man and she'll do whatever it takes to keep him. Some women will accept anything just to have a man around, plus I bet she's thinking of the kids.

Stealing is a no, no, now she has to hide/lock up everything. I had two boyfriends who stole from me and I remember once, one of them tried to get me to purchase something for him, girl, I went off, cussed his butt out about the theft, I haven't seen or heard from him since. Nerve

It is sad, As they are lovely people. You could never find anyone sweeter than my cousin.her husband is a nice guy too.

I'm just a bit mad at him that he cheated on her, But if she could forgive him..Then why shouldn't I?
He probably feels useless that he is not earning,But I guess they are saving on child care and a cleaner him being a house husband!

sigh..I do not envy her situation either, But I feel pain for all of those involved.

 

[SleekyHair]

*adjustin glasses n pulls out a pack of newport out my bra*.....

*lights up said newport one hunnit*

lemme git dis hea straight. she's missin money, da dummy suggests that they go call da cops, she acts on it, they pull an image and she don't know if its him or not...but fa real it's his stoopit azzsz...he start actin nervous, and confesses it while he takes out da trash....and then says he did it cuz he felt suicidal, neglected, he was angry cuz they had an argument a week ago, ain't had no sex, and wanted to take a trip...and he got some mental issues...and they got 4 kids and she da breadwinner. Ok yall..imma need yall to go back n re-read dis whole situation again.

*puff n plucks ash*

git da phuck outta dodd wif dat..... are u shyttin me???

first of all, who marries someone who is mentally disabled, then turns around n has a rack of chirren by'em?

Married to a mentally ill man with no job that has cheated on her before, working 15 hour days to support him and the family AND he has the nerve to steal $100.... If this was me, I might've killed him. Ya'll would be seeing the story on that TV show "Snapped".

 

[MissMeWithThatIsh]

first of all, who marries someone who is mentally disabled, then turns around n has a rack of chirren by'em?

A woman who is not standing in Vagina Power! Not piloting the yussp...letting the n-ts and the p-enis run around and run free to do what it wants to do!

She needs to salute the Vagina!

 

[Pooks]

Your cousin has some very very difficult choices to make right now.

A lot of people are quick to say people should walk out of marriages for a lot less than the reasons your cousin has experienced, thus the divorce rate these days.

She has to do alot of thinking, and they both have to do alot of work to rectify the several issues the behaviour and previous problems indicate... if she wants to try and save the marriage. Four kids too, boy...

I personally believe marriage is for life so if it were me there would be a lotta work ahead.

 

[Blaque*Angel]

Thanks for your understanding reply Vee.
She told me last night she asked him to leave..

now she has to worry about childcare, probably giving up work,divorce etc

I'm beginning to feel a little stressed out for her, as its me she's picking up the phone crying to.

sighs

 

[Blaque*Angel]

*RANT*

funny how the popular posters on LHCF get "Thanked" When their post was not even beneficial.
Been on here over 5 years and it is the same cycle, just new posters. Thats why I have never joined any clique's on here.

 

[MissMeWithThatIsh]

*RANT*

funny how the popular posters on LHCF get "Thanked" When their post was not even beneficial.
Been on here over 5 years and it is the same cycle, just new posters. Thats why I have never joined any clique's on here.

If someone happens to thank a poster, then more than likely they've made an understandable point, whether you may like it or not. Sometimes that thank-mobbishness occurs, but I don't see any "clique" mentality in this post, so excuse me if I don't agree.

I will say that, from what it gathers, your family member is doing too much to keep this man happy, and you said so yourself. I don't know her personally, and I don't know this man either, but based on what you've told us, this man has :

- a history of infidelity - complete with a pregnant "one night stand" - 6 years ago

- recent proof of being untrustworthy AND dishonest

- no accountability

- basically no remorse for his actions


I have relatives with mental disorders, and have friends whose parents have them. While I won't say it's "not a justification," I'd like to assume that your cousin's DH is functional enough to know right from wrong and understands how to assimilate and fit into everyday culture. If he was stable enough to have a relationship this long... then his mental illness is not enough to constitute an excuse for me.

We TEACH people how to treat us, especially in our intimate relationships. In some instance, your cousin taught him this behavior was okay - and whether anyone wants to admit it or not - she was almost letting this situation go too, until she asked him to leave.

Having several children 2 - 6 is no easy feat to handle. But if all the man does is stay at home and doesn't know how to help her keep the family good and entice her to want to make time for what he wants (sex and quality time)... then she might as well find an elder relative who can help her while she creates a plan to spend time at home with her family and her helpmeet.

If they do stay together, I would still suggest someone encourages her to look into why she accepts so much baseline behavior from him. As beautiful, hardworking and stable as she is... she sounds like, children aside, she needs a man that is on her level as well. Love is love, but it seems like she either settled for this man along the way or just doesn't see her value as being what I believe I see her to be from a distance - a strong, beautiful woman with drive, passion and strength to hold it down for hers. She needs to demand him to get on her level or move on - she's working TOO hard to take care of herself and the family they've created.

As it concerns him, he needs to earn back her trust and step it up ... IF he wants to stick around. Once you shatter trust - and deliberately - it's a permanent red flag in my book. Stealing money and lying about it up until the police have your picture .... and then NOT confessing to it, but being BADGERED into doing so... it just doesn't feel right. Again, I don't know the extent of his mental disability, but it wasn't problematic enough to keep him from being fit for a relationship and infidelity for 6 years.

 

[gn1g]

leave. There is truth in the "if they lie, they will steal and they will cheat"

 

[Blaque*Angel]

Thanks Lauryn.

I guess my rant was because I have her calling me constantly crying and it's beginning to stress me out now.

Your post has many good points and I agree with you fully.

Just one point that people keep missing:The guy did have a career up until the babies were being born, So it is not like he was a "dosser" throughout the relationship.

 

[MissMeWithThatIsh]

Thanks Lauryn.

I guess my rant was because I have her calling me constantly crying and it's beginning to stress me out now.

Your post has many good points and I agree with you fully.

Just one point that people keep missing:The guy did have a career up until the babies were being born, So it is not like he was a "dosser" throughout the relationship.

Well in THAT CASE, I'm even more steadfast in the fact that she's accepting too much BS from him. I know some people don't mind role reversals, but if this was reversed and it was your brother and his wife was stealing money, cheating and lying, we'd want to be all in her behind.

Don't let her stress affect you. She made this bed, and lied all up in it... with baby after baby. And I have no children but I can imagine the toll having one for like 4 years straight can have... and not even counting her as the main breadwinner.

This sounds like an opportunity for her to decide whether or not she wants to be happy for the rest of her life. A happy mother raises happy children. A stressed mother can raise happy children as well, but it will be extremely difficult with an unwilling parent with issues.

Best of luck to the both of you