What Do You Do When You See The Damage Being Done To A Child?

[Ganjababy]

you see their innocence being erased. Their souls being murdered? Their very being, existence being challenged?

I used to wonder how no one intervened on my behalf when people saw how bad things were for me when I was a child. They may not have known about the sexual, emotional and physical abuse but the neglect was glaringly obvious.

Now that I am an adult I realize it’s not as easy as it seems to try and save a child. I recently saw my cousin. Who is 13. The last time I saw this child was 3 years ago. The child was bright (extremely bright), highly intelligent, charming, loving, confident and vibrant.

When I saw the child recently they were obviously depressed, almost non verbal and extremely withdrawn.

The mother remarried. The new husband puts down the child constantly. Now there are (in 3 years) 5 new siblings. Mom and stepdad had newborn twins and dad brought 3 kids from a previous marriage into the picture. Mom is asking various family members to take her kid as her husband puts down her child and it’s affecting the child.

I can’t take the child due to living in a different country and my illnesses. No one else can take the child because of their personal issues or not wanting to disrupt their good UE lives.

However, I would like some ideas on how I could help from afar. I also visit 1-2 times per year etc.


There is more to the story but sharing more may alert family of me being on here discussing this. Or I may be accused of making ratchet stuff up/ and my (IMO) polite replies on that front is running short.

 

[Ganjababy]

I want to help this kid in any little way I can.

 

[lesedi]

Overt abuse has to be confronted period (police, CPS) . But aside from that, I would develop a stronger relationship with the child, so you can be a soft place for them to fall.

We all have our battles, and none of us come out of childhood unscathed unfortunately.

 

[awhyley]

It's a shame that the mother chose a man that belittles her child. Just like neglect though, directed abuse needs to be dealt with by the authorities. I'm assuming that real Dad is out of the picture permanently?

 

[huxtable]

At 13 they are old enough to be semi independent of homelife. They need to be directed into an interest which legitimately keeps them out of the house like sport. The thing with something like sport is you get to be part of a group and the progress you make is tangible, so despite what the stepdad may say about them they have their evidence that they can achieve.

You could help by helping them to find their "thing" and encouraging and financing it.

 

[Ganjababy]

I wanted to make this thread a while back because this is something I have seen before with other kids and it really breaks my heart. I try not to be judgemental with how people live their lives but when their life choices affect their kids adversely it really upsets me. The whole situation with this kid is just so shocking and everyone is talking about it. But no one is doing anything concrete.

But I do appreciate that the kid seems to spend as much time as possible with other family members and their kids and they see good examples of fathers. Just not theirs.

I spoke to one elder family member and she promised to try and have the kid every weekend from now on

 

[Ganjababy]

These are really great ideas. Thank you

At 13 they are old enough to be semi independent of homelife. They need to be directed into an interest which legitimately keeps them out of the house like sport. The thing with something like sport is you get to be part of a group and the progress you make is tangible, so despite what the stepdad may say about them they have their evidence that they can achieve.

You could help by helping them to find their "thing" and encouraging and financing it.

 

[Ivonnovi]

This was me. As I reflect back, I honestly don't know what you the non-parent can do.
Except:

• Encourage/bug the child's bio-dad to be more involved with his child.
• Since Mom seems to be open to outside help, offer to pay for or subsidize the out-of-the-house-interests of the child. (camp, boys/girls club, sports)
  • If necessary do the research to find some.
• Keep in direct contact with the child as often as possible; and always be positively supporting of the child and her feelings. (In other words DO NOT invalidate the child's feelings, this may cause the child to shut down)
• If you can subsidize the the child's travel; offer to take them on for a few weeks during the summer OR help a relative take care of them during school breaks.

All of this will plant Positive Seeds of Hope & Care in the child's psyche. Plant them and hope for the best

Children often deify their parents, and often assume the parents have a justifiable reason for behaving in certain ways. If you speak negatively of the parent(s) behavior; the child will automatically feel the need to defend them. It may take a lifetime for this child to realize the damage that was done. << I may be projecting a a little here.
​

ETA: My "folks" were very controlling; so at 13 "I'd" been conditioned to believe that until I reached the age of 18; they had the absolute right to control damn near every breath I took. Independent thinking was not encouraged. [Classic Narcissist tactics, along with isolating their prey] I left for the Military 30 days after HS Graduation.

 

[SurferBabe]

Great advice so far! There is also the option of finding financial aid for boarding school if the child is exceptionally gifted. I remember a boarding school, Andover, recruiting at my public middle school. One of our classmates applied and got accepted on a full ride. I don't know much about the school, but something like this could be a saving grace for an intelligent young lady who needs a more positive daily environment.

 

[awhyley]

At 13 they are old enough to be semi independent of homelife.

Really? At 13, girls really need their parent/guardian to boost their self-esteem and self-worth, (in addition to extra-curricular activities). They can make their own lunch, etc. but having a male that close putting her down on the daily, no extra-curricular activity can erase. Depending on the environment, that boarding school recommendation might be the best one of the bunch.

 

[huxtable]

Really? At 13, girls really need their parent/guardian to boost their self-esteem and self-worth, (in addition to extra-curricular activities). They can make their own lunch, etc. but having a male that close putting her down on the daily, no extra-curricular activity can erase. Depending on the environment, that boarding school recommendation might be the best one of the bunch.

Here in the UK you can legally leave home at 16 so yes she is semi independent of homelife.

"At 13, girls really need their parent/guardian to boost their self-esteem and self-worth, (in addition to extra-curricular activities)."

This is all very nice but she does not get it there so in order to avoid the toxicity she needs to go school, then occupy her evenings and weekends with purposeful activity and only go home to sleep.

Just keep away from the toxicity and be around people who will appreciate her and get a job at 16/17/18 and leave home or go away to University at 18.

In the world of blended families this is a well trod path.

 

[huxtable]

"The mother remarried. The new husband puts down the child constantly. Now there are (in 3 years) 5 new siblings. Mom and stepdad had newborn twins and dad brought 3 kids from a previous marriage into the picture. Mom is asking various family members to take her kid as her husband puts down her child and it’s affecting the child".

Also, this quote. Why don't she ask somebody to take her husband instead? Is this really the best the mum can do in this situation?

 

[luckiestdestiny]

At 13 they are old enough to be semi independent of homelife. They need to be directed into an interest which legitimately keeps them out of the house like sport. The thing with something like sport is you get to be part of a group and the progress you make is tangible, so despite what the stepdad may say about them they have their evidence that they can achieve.

You could help by helping them to find their "thing" and encouraging and financing it.

I was thinking this, or the arts. I went into the arts and it was my way to get away from home (and my dad who wasn't the nicest and still isn't the nicest human being. The only difference is as an adult I don't have to take his crap and he knows it and is afraid I will cut him off because he wants to be around for my successes so to speak. Again, I know the deal so this doesn't make it okay, but that's another story for another day) as well as a means of expression (and joy for me). I know I had rehearsals until 8 or 9 and by the time I got home, my dad was in bed preparing for the next day of work. Win win.

 

[luckiestdestiny]

Great advice so far! There is also the option of finding financial aid for boarding school if the child is exceptionally gifted. I remember a boarding school, Andover, recruiting at my public middle school. One of our classmates applied and got accepted on a full ride. I don't know much about the school, but something like this could be a saving grace for an intelligent young lady who needs a more positive daily environment.

Excellent post. Yay! This would be ideal. Hopefully they're not so withdrawn that their grades are affected yet. If not, they could perhaps get a full ride somewhere.

 

[luckiestdestiny]

Really? At 13, girls really need their parent/guardian to boost their self-esteem and self-worth, (in addition to extra-curricular activities). They can make their own lunch, etc. but having a male that close putting her down on the daily, no extra-curricular activity can erase. Depending on the environment, that boarding school recommendation might be the best one of the bunch.

Please do not quote
Yes but if their parent is the cause of their issues, then they need to be away from them. They can find mentors to bring up their confidence. I know that's what happened to me.

I agree that the boarding school is the best recommendation but not everyone can get to, or in one. So for those who may not have that option for whatever reason, some of the other recommendations can come in handy. I know that I loved going to school (and I went to a performing arts high school) early in the morning (had to wake up early as it was further away so my mom drove me), and thus missed my dad entirely. Then later, I had rehearsals after school and that kept me away. I'd luck up, come home and find him sleep. My confidence only rose. THis started my sophomore year where teachers joked that I looked at my feet all the time: "What's down there?" laugh laugh. You'd think they'd think about why someone walked around like that instead of picking at them. So when I got into that school, I was able to change my whole life.

Instead of taking the normal bus and having to deal with my dad in the morning, I got to go with my mom to school (as it was near her work). Thus I had to wake up early with her. It may sound like a sacrifice but it was worth it. By the time I was a senior, my head was up, and I had a full scholarship to college plus was an award winning playwright. Luck of luck that the army sent my dad overseas for the last year and when I trace back, that's when my confidence really flew. There was only so much my mom could do besides leaving. She argued with him constantly about mistreating me (he didn't like that I was brown instead of light like her and told me so, it really was just that stupid. Well that, combined with the fact that he exhibits most traits of a narcissist, and I was definitely not the golden child. That distinction was given to my brother) only to have him attack me when she wasn't there to protect me (in the mornings she would go to work far away so I was lucky to then find a school where I could go with her instead of stay and deal with him in the mornings), and in the evenings when he got home and wanted to just peck away at me (he couldn't because I was at school rehearsing, or working with a professional local theatre company). And sure she should've left. She says so constantly and even left at one point. But again, we can only do so much as the children in these situations. Instead of what is "ideally" should be done by the parent, we have to face the reality of what is done and what is accepted, and pivot from there to the best possible solution for the situation.

Whatever the solution, I speak from experience. AND from experience, whatever the solution, it involves limiting the time the child spends with the damaging parent. I know I used to count the days till college and I knew I was going far away. Whenever times get bad, I'm sure that's what they will do, but they can only do that if they have an outlet. Like you can hang on a little easier, if you know that you have somewhere to go to bide out your time so to speak. It's horrible but true. And the cps thing, let's face it unless someone is doing cigarette burns, the mental abuse thing...isn't usually touched. I did have my dad slapping me but it was upside the head (so that I felt like I went black for a second) but again, no one saw anything on my face or arms (at least not as I grew, when I was little there was some bruising on my legs but my mom stopped that with a quickness so he opted to just smack me upside the head, like that was better). At any rate, no one would see any abuse that way because my head would just hurt but it wasn't so bad that it was "Ike and Tina" to the point that someone would visibly see. But when you're told you f up the world, you f up everything over and over, coupled with side smacks all the time, you start to believe it. So if they are in a situation that is similar, where CPS won't really get involved (except to make it worse for the child by leaving and doing nothing thus leaving them to more issues with said parent), then the idea of staying away from that treatment is the best bet in whatever way is humanely possible.

 

[luckiestdestiny]

"The mother remarried. The new husband puts down the child constantly. Now there are (in 3 years) 5 new siblings. Mom and stepdad had newborn twins and dad brought 3 kids from a previous marriage into the picture. Mom is asking various family members to take her kid as her husband puts down her child and it’s affecting the child".

Also, this quote. Why don't she ask somebody to take her husband instead? Is this really the best the mum can do in this situation?

But that's not reality so we have to deal with that. To me that's the obvious solution.

 

[awhyley]

I'm not quoting the above, but that was a really thorough take on what needs to be done. Thanks for enlightening us because I really didn't see the need for the separation until your example made it clear. I'm praying that OP's relative gets the solution that she needs to get her through this rough time.