Why Is The Birth Of A Second Child So Hard On Marriages?

mrselle said:
This is so true. Of course, most don't realize it until they have the second one. I remember after having twins I couldn't figure out why I was so sleep deprived when I had just one. She was the perfect baby. She was never fussy, ate well and slept well. I should have been getting a lot of sleep with her, but for some reason I wasn't.
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I think it comes with being a first time mom and overcompensating everything. :lol:

My son slept through the night and has always been really easy to deal with, but I was so afraid of SIDs and constantly researching to the point of being almost obsessive. I was scared because I could never keep a plant alive and didn't want to test my luck with an actual human. :lol: I was the cause of my own exhaustion to the point where his dad would offer to get up in the middle of the night, but I was breastfeeding and wasn't sure about the safety of pumping until a few months down the road. I was a hot mess.
 
LovelyNaps26 said:
at least once a day i wonder "do i really want to do this again". that's usually in the middle of a 2 year old meltdown. i know people like kids close together but if i were younger i might wait until my first was school age. when you're in your mid 30s its a now or never situation, not because you can't have kids at 38 but you just know if you'll be in perimenopause or just too tired. i'm praying for strength now and i'm not even expecting. i'm also praying for ONE healthy child. i have some double ovulating women in my family so twins are a serious concern.
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Yep I agree you can't have a large age gap if you start in your thirties, but also for me it was a case of having them close in age so that they can get along and do similar activities throughout their lives, but it's gonna cost a fortune in terms of the one year overlap for university tuition fees.
 
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mrselle said:
Things were definitely off track after my last pregnancy. I had twins, so we went from having a toddler to having a toddler and two infants. I had also just left my job to become a sahm. I remember talking to my husband about how I was feeling and in a nutshell he told me to suck it up because we have kids and need to get through it together. While his candor was a tad bit off-putting, it was comforting to know that his mindset was that we need to push through this time of transition together. Ironically, we had more date nights after the twins were born. Being able to get away for a night was helpful. Also, my husband is extremely helpful. He would do baths while I cleaned up the kitchen after dinner. On the weekends he would handle the night feedings so I could have two nights of uninterrupted sleep. Having a partner who is committed to getting through this tough time and acknowledges that all off the responsibility can't fall on one parent is helpful,
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I agree - definitely have to focus on the fact that the initial pain of juggling the two is just a temporary phase until they get past the toddler age.
 
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doriannc said:
Not gonna lie, I feel much better. I was pregnant with my second recently and lost the pregnancy. I was concerned about how our family was going to adapt to the new change. I'm in the middle of a masters program and we have a 2 year old. Although I am sad and will miss my baby, I'm glad I was spared all the stress of parenting two kids while trying to juggle life. :lol:
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Sorry to hear about your loss! Hope things are a lot calmer the next time, if you plan to have another.
 
NicWhite said:
A lot of this is very true. The key is for both people to be unselfish. It is just a time people have to get through. I am pregnant with #3. It’s not easy raising kids. And we are talking about healthy kids. Imagine those who have children that are sick or mentally disabled. If one has a no good spouse the marriage will definitely suffer.

For us, our children make us very happy. They are quite the characters. I don’t know if you are a Christian but prayer helps.
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Yep when I think of my friend whose DD has SMA - a deteriorating muscle wasting condition, I have to remind myself that I shouldn't complain about my DD running across the room when I need to change her or splashing water on the floor when she's in the bath.
 
brittle_hair said:
Yep I agree you can't have a large age gap if you start in your thirties, but also for me it was a case of having them close in age so that they can get along and do similar activities throughout their lives, but it's gonna cost a fortune in terms of the one year overlap for university tuition fees.
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Didn’t even consider that!

I need more moms of 2+ close in age to chime in! This article came a tad bit too late for me lol
 
one and done. what decided me was my own daughter! she was a terrible baby. She cried nonstop almost until 12 months. Awake every 3 hours around the clock for 18 months!!!!! Had a murmur. Would barely eat so was slow to gain weight. I was terrified. Everyone was tired dealing with that baby. ExH was actually VERY good with her and hands on... but she was a mommas girl. so when I was out of sight, she would split the world open with her cries. She'd cry until she'd faint. That could take an hour as she sloooooowly wound herself up! And then boom--just pass clean out. it was a thing. a regular thing.

Couldn't be bothered with another.

ETA. yea. 2 kids can really strain a marriage especially if you have difficult kids even with a lot of support. They say it's easier after 3 but I wasn't willing to try.
 
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hothair said:
I want 6 :look:

Dh will have to rob a bank and hire some full time help and be nice to all the (sane) family members.


:yep: six.
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Do you have any kids? Have you ever watched six kids? I used to feel like you until I took care of my friend's well behaved 6 kids who were all under 10. I realized it was not for me.

But God bless you with as many kids as your heart desires and DH better go 'head and make that $$$.
 
Baha_Ma said:
Didn’t even consider that!

I need more moms of 2+ close in age to chime in! This article came a tad bit too late for me lol
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I don't but another thing to consider is the cost of child care if you work full time. Having two kids in daycare can be super expensive. I live in CA and the daycare at my job (with employee discount) is $1200 per kid per month!!! For my SIL in San Francisco it is $2000 per kid so she quit working. So spacing kids out so one is school age helps with that. Also, it is exhausting and expensive to have two kids in diapers at the same time. One potty trained and one still in diapers is more manageable.
 
Farida said:
Do you have any kids? Have you ever watched six kids? I used to feel like you until I took care of my friend's well behaved 6 kids who were all under 10. I realized it was not for me.

But God bless you with as many kids as your heart desires and DH better go 'head and make that $$$.
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I grew up number 4 of with 13 kids. I like big families preferably from the same couple. There's a sense of community and the parents aren't the focus so much especially as the kids grow.

You also always have people to be friends with when the others are annoying.
 
Froreal3 said:
What if your two are 11 years apart? I don't think this counts for that. That's why I didn't wanna have small kids at once.
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I think that's one reason my parents spaced us out the way they did. :look: When my mom had my middle sister I was starting 1st grade and when she had my youngest sister, my middle sister was in 2nd grade. My dad took us to school in the mornings before he went to work most of the time so my mom only had one child to deal with at home. She also went back to school and got licensed during this time too.

ETA: I want 2-3 kids and would prefer to space them out for this reason.
 
DarkJoy said:
one and done. what decided me was my own daughter! she was a terrible baby. She cried nonstop almost until 12 months. Awake every 3 hours around the clock for 18 months!!!!! Had a murmur. Would barely eat so was slow to gain weight. I was terrified. Everyone was tired dealing with that baby. ExH was actually VERY good with her and hands on... but she was a mommas girl. so when I was out of sight, she would split the world open with her cries. She'd cry until she'd faint. That could take an hour as she sloooooowly wound herself up! And then boom--just pass clean out. it was a thing. a regular thing.

Couldn't be bothered with another.

ETA. yea. 2 kids can really strain a marriage especially if you have difficult kids even with a lot of support. They say it's easier after 3 but I wasn't willing to try.
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I can see how that sleeping pattern would put you off - it was bad enough during those first couple of months. And yea apparently the 3rd is the easiest to have, cos the eldest is a lot more mature by then, but I'm happy to stop after 2.
 
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Farida said:
Do you have any kids? Have you ever watched six kids? I used to feel like you until I took care of my friend's well behaved 6 kids who were all under 10. I realized it was not for me.

But God bless you with as many kids as your heart desires and DH better go 'head and make that $$$.
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I couldn't do 6 either even if I won the lottery my max would be 3, but i do think having lots of siblings makes you want to have more kids.
 
Pregnant with #2 and DS is 2.5. Already seeing how pregnancy is harder with a toddler. I can’t just come home from work and sleep like I used to when I was pregnant the first time. One child was hard on our marriage, hoping that two doesn’t do the same thing (although that seems like wishful thinking!). DH is great with our son so I plan to let him manage our toddler 90% of the time.
 
ScorpioBeauty09 said:
I think that's one reason my parents spaced us out the way they did. :look: When my mom had my middle sister I was starting 1st grade and when she had my youngest sister, my middle sister was in 2nd grade. My dad took us to school in the mornings before he went to work most of the time so my mom only had one child to deal with at home. She also went back to school and got licensed during this time too.

ETA: I want 2-3 kids and would prefer to space them out for this reason.
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Lol I’m feelin what your mom did. I’m pregnant with my second who will be 11 years apart from my daughter. My SO is talking about he wants another one right after and I’m looking at him like :look: :abducted: I would have preferred to space them out 4-6 years but I focused more on my career right after I had dd, then I got divorced. :lol: But yeah i see myself losing my patience with two under two or even under three.
 
natural in ATL said:
Pregnant with #2 and DS is 2.5. Already seeing how pregnancy is harder with a toddler. I can’t just come home from work and sleep like I used to when I was pregnant the first time. One child was hard on our marriage, hoping that two doesn’t do the same thing (although that seems like wishful thinking!). DH is great with our son so I plan to let him manage our toddler 90% of the time.
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Yep this is me right now my DD is 2 and 2 months. I have already started letting DH take over doing most of her baths and getting her breakfast in the morning. It's actually nice to see them bonding. She was crying and clinging to his leg when he was leaving for work the other day - I was like - 'ha, welcome to my world!' - i'm sure it tugged at his heart strings even though he wouldn't admit it.
 
brittle_hair said:
Yep this is me right now my DD is 2 and 2 months. I have already started letting DH take over doing most of her baths and getting her breakfast in the morning. It's actually nice to see them bonding. She was crying and clinging to his leg when he was leaving for work the other day - I was like - 'ha, welcome to my world!' - i'm sure it tugged at his heart strings even though he wouldn't admit it.
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We’re definitely in the same boat! How far along are you? I’m in the 1st trimester still, so I’m extra tired and low level nauseous all the time. Thankfully, DH always did DS’s baths and drop off/pick up from school. Now he also puts him to bed as of about a month ago (life changing for me!). Soon I’ll ask him to start making his lunch and breakfast and I’ll won’t really be needed at all - except for love and play time! I love to see how close they are too, it’s really sweet.
 
natural in ATL said:
We’re definitely in the same boat! How far along are you? I’m in the 1st trimester still, so I’m extra tired and low level nauseous all the time. Thankfully, DH always did DS’s baths and drop off/pick up from school. Now he also puts him to bed as of about a month ago (life changing for me!). Soon I’ll ask him to start making his lunch and breakfast and I’ll won’t really be needed at all - except for love and play time! I love to see how close they are too, it’s really sweet.
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I'm 19 weeks now, so passed the nausea, but i still feel tired, although a lot of that is cos i'm not very good at going to bed on time - too busy enjoying my child free time.
 
Farida said:
I don't but another thing to consider is the cost of child care if you work full time. Having two kids in daycare can be super expensive. I live in CA and the daycare at my job (with employee discount) is $1200 per kid per month!!! For my SIL in San Francisco it is $2000 per kid so she quit working. So spacing kids out so one is school age helps with that. Also, it is exhausting and expensive to have two kids in diapers at the same time. One potty trained and one still in diapers is more manageable.
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my bff pays $4500 in daycare fees in the summer.
other bff pays $1700 a month for two children in daycare.

i died.
 
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