What are you doing in 2009 to get the relationship you want?

[Belle Du Jour]

I guess I tend to believe that a relationship doesn't necessarily fall in your lap. And I'm not saying you have to be perfect in every single area of your life, but working towards becoming the very person you want to attract. So, what are you doing differently in 2009 to call in the one?

 

[MizAvalon]

Great question. I don't believe in sitting around "waiting" to be found by the man of my dreams. No man is going to find me while I'm sitting on my couch eating chips.

Firstly, I am working to improve myself in various areas so that when I do meet someone I will be ready to receive him.

I am being more social. I'm a shy introvert so it takes some effort for me to get out there and meet new people. But I have really focused on doing that and it's paying off, big time. Not only have I met nice men, I have made some new female friends and most importantly I have enjoyed myself. My social calendar is filling up quite nicely for 2009 so far, with activities that I like doing and I'm very happy about that.

How about you ladies?

 

[nappystorm]

Great question. I don't believe in sitting around "waiting" to be found by the man of my dreams. No man is going to find me while I'm sitting on my couch eating chips.

Firstly, I am working to improve myself in various areas so that when I do meet someone I will be ready to receive him.

I am being more social. I'm a shy introvert so it takes some effort for me to get out there and meet new people. But I have really focused on doing that and it's paying off, big time. Not only have I met nice men, I have made some new female friends and most importantly I have enjoyed myself. My social calendar is filling up quite nicely for 2009 so far, with activities that I like doing and I'm very happy about that.

How about you ladies?

I did this after me and my so broke up and stopped for some reason...

 

[nappystorm]

I like this thread!!!

 

[MizAvalon]

I like this thread!!!

Me too. I can't wait to hear the responses.

 

[Belle Du Jour]

I guess I should answer my own question

I am working on the internal stuff so that when Mr. Right comes along, I won't have any baggage for him to carry. No bag lady here!

I'm also nearing the finish line with school. For so long, school has been my priority but as I move into the next phase of my professional life, I decided to shift this energy into getting married and having children. I am working on my MRS degree

I am also going to go out more. I'm already doing a lot socially (in terms of volunteer groups, meetups, etc) but I want to do more things conducive to meeting guys.

I confess I was watching SATC season 3 and was inspired to start this thread. That was the season Charlotte got serious about getting married. She really put herself out there, told her married friends to think of her, started going out more, and verbally claimed that that was the year she was getting married. I *heart* Charlotte.

 

[MCMLXXII]

I'm hittin' the gym!

I think I'm good with the internal beauty...but no one sees that if the external isn't equally (or at least somewhat) appealing.

 

[Belle Du Jour]

Great question. I don't believe in sitting around "waiting" to be found by the man of my dreams. No man is going to find me while I'm sitting on my couch eating chips.

Firstly, I am working to improve myself in various areas so that when I do meet someone I will be ready to receive him.

I am being more social. I'm a shy introvert so it takes some effort for me to get out there and meet new people. But I have really focused on doing that and it's paying off, big time. Not only have I met nice men, I have made some new female friends and most importantly I have enjoyed myself. My social calendar is filling up quite nicely for 2009 so far, with activities that I like doing and I'm very happy about that.

How about you ladies?

I have the same issue. But joining groups has helped me to get over this. It forces me into social situations with others. Before, I would happily go out and be by myself. Now, I have planned events to go to with others. It's nice!

 

[Belle Du Jour]

I'm hittin' the gym!

I think I'm good with the internal beauty...but no one sees that if the external isn't equally (or at least somewhat) appealing.

I'm getting the bod back on track too.

 

[Bunny77]

I'm also nearing the finish line with school. For so long, school has been my priority but as I move into the next phase of my professional life, I decided to shift this energy into getting married and having children. I am working on my MRS degree

Yep, I'm with you there. I've been out of school for a minute now, but I've been very focused professionally since 2001 when I got my first job. Now it's time to shift that focus... I'll still aim to do the best I can in my current career, but pursuing marriage and children is more important now!

I am also going to go out more. I'm already doing a lot socially (in terms of volunteer groups, meetups, etc) but I want to do more things conducive to meeting guys.

I confess I was watching SATC season 3 and was inspired to start this thread. That was the season Charlotte got serious about getting married. She really put herself out there, told her married friends to think of her, started going out more, and verbally claimed that that was the year she was getting married. I *heart* Charlotte.

I'm doing some of the same things! I've actually been asking married friends to think of me, and most have been happy to try and match me up. I'm also going out more (but being somewhat careful about where... I'm finding that certain venues aren't all that conducive for serious meetups), and trying dating services.

I also heart Charlotte!

Great question. I don't believe in sitting around "waiting" to be found by the man of my dreams. No man is going to find me while I'm sitting on my couch eating chips.

You know! And if I haven't been "found" yet doing what I usually do (work, school, etc.,) then maybe it's time to switch things up... and my job is a pretty public one too, so if I haven't been "found," that tells me something.

I am being more social. I'm a shy introvert so it takes some effort for me to get out there and meet new people. But I have really focused on doing that and it's paying off, big time. Not only have I met nice men, I have made some new female friends and most importantly I have enjoyed myself. My social calendar is filling up quite nicely for 2009 so far, with activities that I like doing and I'm very happy about that.

How about you ladies?

Trying to do all this as well... I'm kind of an introvert myself, which people don't believe because of my job and all! But I'm working at it!

 

[Highly Favored8]

Working on me and my attitude, my body, the way I look at life and realtoionships.

 

[MizAvalon]

I guess I should answer my own question

I am working on the internal stuff so that when Mr. Right comes along, I won't have any baggage for him to carry. No bag lady here!

I'm also nearing the finish line with school. For so long, school has been my priority but as I move into the next phase of my professional life, I decided to shift this energy into getting married and having children. I am working on my MRS degree

I am also going to go out more. I'm already doing a lot socially (in terms of volunteer groups, meetups, etc) but I want to do more things conducive to meeting guys.

I confess I was watching SATC season 3 and was inspired to start this thread. That was the season Charlotte got serious about getting married. She really put herself out there, told her married friends to think of her, started going out more, and verbally claimed that that was the year she was getting married. I *heart* Charlotte.

I remember that season very well and I love how proactive she was about finding someone. She treated it the way people should treat any other thing that they hope to attain, she went after it! Sadly, it ended up being the wrong man for her but her approach was spot on.

Why is love the one thing you're supposed to "let find you" when you have to work for everything else in life? Makes no sense.

 

[gabulldawg]

I'm doing things to get MYSELF together and I'm hoping that will help me get the relationship that I want. I've been struggling with my current "SO" situation, and have decided to venture out and to not put all of my faith in that relationship anymore and let whatever is supposed to happen happen. But I've decided to not rush into serious dating since I need to work on myself a bit more on the inside and out.

 

[sunshinebeautiful]

I'm opening myself up to be with the guy that has always been there, but I've never given him a chance. It's really silly because he has all of the must-haves on my list, but I've literally passed him up for 10 years because he "wasn't my type."

 

[Ms Red]

Great thread.

I am not settling.
I am actively praying for God to place the right man in my life and give me discernment.
I am not hanging on every word that comes out of every man's mouth. Show me. Actions speak louder than words.
I am working on me (working out, eating right, staying healthy)...
I am going to have the time of my life. Smile. Laugh. Love. And if I don't have a date on Friday or Saturday nights, I'm dating myself. With fresh flowers, chai tea and a great book.
I am not lowering my expectations. I am gaining common sense.
I am not closing myself off to men whom I never thought of dating before (but still attracted to)
I am putting myself out there more (socially) and fully expecting to meet, date and be courted by my future husband.
And until I get engaged, I am dating with a purpose.

ALL OF THE ABOVE

 

[amara11]

Great thread.

I am not settling.
I am actively praying for God to place the right man in my life and give me discernment.
I am not hanging on every word that comes out of every man's mouth. Show me. Actions speak louder than words.
I am working on me (working out, eating right, staying healthy)...
I am going to have the time of my life. Smile. Laugh. Love. And if I don't have a date on Friday or Saturday nights, I'm dating myself. With fresh flowers, chai tea and a great book.
I am not lowering my expectations. I am gaining common sense.
I am not closing myself off to men whom I never thought of dating before (but still attracted to)
I am putting myself out there more (socially) and fully expecting to meet, date and be courted by my future husband.
And until I get engaged, I am dating with a purpose.

ALL OF THE ABOVE

Great thread. I like your list LoverofLife. I like it a lot

 

[Je Ne Sais Quoi]

I guess I should answer my own question

I am working on the internal stuff so that when Mr. Right comes along, I won't have any baggage for him to carry. No bag lady here!

I'm also nearing the finish line with school. For so long, school has been my priority but as I move into the next phase of my professional life, I decided to shift this energy into getting married and having children. I am working on my MRS degree

I am also going to go out more. I'm already doing a lot socially (in terms of volunteer groups, meetups, etc) but I want to do more things conducive to meeting guys.

I confess I was watching SATC season 3 and was inspired to start this thread. That was the season Charlotte got serious about getting married. She really put herself out there, told her married friends to think of her, started going out more, and verbally claimed that that was the year she was getting married. I *heart* Charlotte.

Errybody got baggage. It's just how you chose to carry yours that matters.

 

[Belle Du Jour]

I'm doing some of the same things! I've actually been asking married friends to think of me, and most have been happy to try and match me up. I'm also going out more (but being somewhat careful about where... I'm finding that certain venues aren't all that conducive for serious meetups), and trying dating services.

I also heart Charlotte!

That is something I would like to try in the near future, but I know they can be selective and expensive! I know a 30 something successful lawyer who met her fiance through a dating service.

 

[Bunny77]

That is something I would like to try in the near future, but I know they can be selective and expensive! I know a 30 something successful lawyer who met her fiance through a dating service.

Yeah, you've definitely got to have a little cash and make sure to do your research on them!

By the way, I just want to add that I'm glad to see black women having a discussion like this. I know that when I bring this up sometimes, I kinda get this or a bunch of cliches... like I'm doing something that I shouldn't be.

 

[Belle Du Jour]

Yeah, you've definitely got to have a little cash and make sure to do your research on them!

By the way, I just want to add that I'm glad to see black women having a discussion like this. I know that when I bring this up sometimes, I kinda get this or a bunch of cliches... like I'm doing something that I shouldn't be.

Bunny, if it wasn't for your thread on the Christian forum a year or so (?) ago, I wouldn't even be thinking about marriage this way. I had been under that same indoctrination that black women get from birth: go to school and the man will come. Well, when the man didn't start coming, I started to ask questions. And I noticed Becky stays having a man. And when husband #1 acts up, she has another one in short order. Now, I'm not saying that's my ideal, but I had to realize something is amiss when most of my black friends are in the same situation, twiddling their thumbs and my white friends are married or in serious relationships. So kudos to you Bunny!

 

[Cincysweetie]

I remember that season very well and I love how proactive she was about finding someone. She treated it the way people should treat any other thing that they hope to attain, she went after it! Sadly, it ended up being the wrong man for her but her approach was spot on.

Why is love the one thing you're supposed to "let find you" when you have to work for everything else in life? Makes no sense.

But it led her to her Mr. Right!!! In the end, what she did that season got her everything she wanted. The Right Man and two kids.

For me, I am finally letting go of some past relationships and "hanger-ons" that should've been gone this time last year and one that I spent most of this past year with. It has been so difficult letting some individuals go, especially the expectations that I had developed in my mind. That's big for me. And after being in three difficult "relationships" back-to-back, I'm going to allow for some time to myself for awhile. I have been taking myself to the movies, over the summer I bought myself flowers once a week, traveled, and I've been spending more time with my girlfriends and my family. My focus in 2009 is going to be about me. It has to be. Because if I don't focus on me now, I'll be in the same place this time next year as 2010 rolls in. And I refuse!

 

[Evolution76]

Great thread.

I am not settling.
I am actively praying for God to place the right man in my life and give me discernment.
I am not hanging on every word that comes out of every man's mouth. Show me. Actions speak louder than words.
I am working on me (working out, eating right, staying healthy)...
I am going to have the time of my life. Smile. Laugh. Love. And if I don't have a date on Friday or Saturday nights, I'm dating myself. With fresh flowers, chai tea and a great book.
I am not lowering my expectations. I am gaining common sense.
I am not closing myself off to men whom I never thought of dating before (but still attracted to)
I am putting myself out there more (socially) and fully expecting to meet, date and be courted by my future husband.
And until I get engaged, I am dating with a purpose.

ALL OF THE ABOVE

I love your list. I think I'm going to adopt it and make it my own, too. Thanks!

Bunny, if it wasn't for your thread on the Christian forum a year or so (?) ago, I wouldn't even be thinking about marriage this way. I had been under that same indoctrination that black women get from birth: go to school and the man will come. Well, when the man didn't start coming, I started to ask questions. And I noticed Becky stays having a man. And when husband #1 acts up, she has another one in short order. Now, I'm not saying that's my ideal, but I had to realize something is amiss when most of my black friends are in the same situation, twiddling their thumbs and my white friends are married or in serious relationships. So kudos to you Bunny!

I agree with your post, especially the bolded. Most of my white friends are married or headed that way in the near future. Most of my black friends (myself included) are single with no serious options in sight. I've been out of college for almost 10 years and I'm still waiting. MAJOR changes will be made in 2009.

 

[Bunny77]

Bunny, if it wasn't for your thread on the Christian forum a year or so (?) ago, I wouldn't even be thinking about marriage this way. I had been under that same indoctrination that black women get from birth: go to school and the man will come. Well, when the man didn't start coming, I started to ask questions. And I noticed Becky stays having a man. And when husband #1 acts up, she has another one in short order. Now, I'm not saying that's my ideal, but I had to realize something is amiss when most of my black friends are in the same situation, twiddling their thumbs and my white friends are married or in serious relationships. So kudos to you Bunny!

Aww, thanks! I dunno, something happened last year that just helped me "wake up." Maybe it was the fact that I was about to be 30 and just had gone through another bad psuedo-relationship in which the guy said he didn't want a relationship. Luckily, it never got all that far, but it made me think, "Okay, so I've dated, but haven't really been in a relationship in YEARS, and then when I wait and am 'not looking,' this is what I get? And then, how much longer will I have to just 'wait' for the next guy to come along and then hope that he's the right one?"

Nuh uh, no thanks... that approach wasn't doing much for me despite the fact that I interacted with people through work and traveled and all of that... I'm not going to forfeit my rightful desire for marriage and children by waiting when it clearly didn't work during a time when men should have been plentiful (my 20s)!

But yes, like you, I had that indoctrination. Work hard, be sweet and nice, go to school, get your education and the man will just be there...

I love your list. I think I'm going to adopt it and make it my own, too. Thanks!

I agree with your post, especially the bolded. Most of my white friends are married or headed that way in the near future. Most of my black friends (myself included) are single with no serious options in sight. I've been out of college for almost 10 years and I'm still waiting. MAJOR changes will be made in 2009.

Same here. Looks like we're about the same age based on our screennames... when I noticed many of my white friends marrying (some black ones too, but not nearly as many), I really started to question things...

I will say that I saw a good result in 2008. I did actually have a boyfriend for six months! A man who actually wanted and asked for a relationship! Turned out it was the wrong one (sigh), but if I hadn't made the effort, I never would have had that opportunity... so I feel that I'm on the right track.

 

[ThatJerseyGirl]

Well, ~~takes a deep deep breath~~

For starters, I will and promise to do the following:

1. I will smile more often.
2. I will make eye contact more often.
3. I've already invested in myself and stepped up my wardrobe game, shoe game and pocketbook game.
4. I will go out more often just to enjoy myself...not to meet anyone.

I already go the gym 5-6 days a week 2-3 hours at a time, so that is OK. And another thing I said I would do is start wearing make-up...just a little. I've been watching What not to wear and those makeover shows, so that has helped. Accentuate the positives.

 

[amara11]

Well, ~~takes a deep deep breath~~

For starters, I will and promise to do the following:

1. I will smile more often.
2. I will make eye contact more often.
3. I've already invested in myself and stepped up my wardrobe game, shoe game and pocketbook game.
4. I will go out more often just to enjoy myself...not to meet anyone.

I already go the gym 5-6 days a week 2-3 hours at a time, so that is OK. And another thing I said I would do is start wearing make-up...just a little. I've been watching What not to wear and those makeover shows, so that has helped. Accentuate the positives.

Lol- I know ppl felt "some type of way" about the smile thread- but I don't walk around smiling. I feel great on the inside, but I don't always share that with the world in my facial expression. I can be quite preoccupied with school and I always walk like I'm on a mission. I'll try to slow down, look ppl in the eye and smile, instead of being so caught up in my own world .

 

[ThatJerseyGirl]

Lol- I know ppl felt "some type of way" about the smile thread- but I don't walk around smiling. I feel great on the inside, but I don't always share that with the world in my facial expression. I can be quite preoccupied with school and I always walk like I'm on a mission. I'll try to slow down, look ppl in the eye and smile, instead of being so caught up in my own world .

I'm so trying amara..... One day, after the gym, I walked into GNC to pick up some protein, and this guy in there said..."why do you look so mean..smile witcha pretty chocolate self".... I didn't realize that I looked "mean" I just got finished leg pressin 500 lbs, doing squats, step ups, etc. My legs felt like noodles....I was hurting lololol....so ever since then, I try to watch myself.... At that time, i just wanted to eat, drink my protein shake, lay down and take a nap, and he talkin bout "smile"....

 

[CurliDiva]

1. I've decided to LOVE me as I am, and stop worrying about not fitting in someone else's idea of "who" I should be!

2. That being said, I'm working on the physical (hair, skin, body, and style) to create the outer beauty that I want.

3. In 2008, I learnt to enjoy my own company because as I let go of a few long-term toxic friendships. Now I have a smaller (but much more supportive and positive) core group of friends.

The most important:
4. I learnt to listen to BEHAVIOR more than words, because some people lye to themselves (and will to me) but their ACTIONS always tell the truth!

In 2009, I plan to schedule my self care (exercise, hair care, etc.) and social outings on my calendar with just as much respect (because honoring myself is worthwhile) as a business appointment!

I’ve joined several meet-up groups of interests (such as Sushi & Yoga), started going to the gym again, and plan to try one new place or activity per month.

I also plan to entertain at my home more often! This may not relate directly to a love relationship, but it makes me feel good to treat my family and friends well. This will also help me to save money (from going out all the time) and prefect my hostess skills!

 

[Evolution76]

Same here. Looks like we're about the same age based on our screennames... when I noticed many of my white friends marrying (some black ones too, but not nearly as many), I really started to question things...

I will say that I saw a good result in 2008. I did actually have a boyfriend for six months! A man who actually wanted and asked for a relationship! Turned out it was the wrong one (sigh), but if I hadn't made the effort, I never would have had that opportunity... so I feel that I'm on the right track.

I'm 32 and grateful I look about 10 years younger. So do you! I remember your posts from earlier in the year and at least you actuallly made moves to go after what you wanted. He may have been the wrong one, but I'm sure he was right for whatever lesson, experience you needed to have. I spent the last two years saying I wanted the relationship but haven't been proactive in making that happen. Next year I am NOT sitting back and waiting for him to show up on my doorstep. I have many years of proof stating there's a 99.9% chance that is not going to happen. Although I fool many people with the way I look, I'm growing older. I want to have a couple of kids before I'm 40!

 

[Glib Gurl]

I confess I was watching SATC season 3 and was inspired to start this thread. That was the season Charlotte got serious about getting married. She really put herself out there, told her married friends to think of her, started going out more, and verbally claimed that that was the year she was getting married. I *heart* Charlotte.

Careful, though. We all know how that worked out for her in the end.

To answer your original question, I am doing the following:

1. Being more open-minded and giving folks a chance. (No, this is not "working with a brotha" -- rather, I'm stop trying to dismiss folks at first glance just because he doesn't appear to be a Dexter . . . you never know where love will find you.)

2. Transforming myself physically. (Yeah, I talk a good game about being big & beautiful, but honestly, I cannot get mad at someone if they don't want to be with me because of my size. I know that I want someone who looks good . . . so why shouldn't I reciprocate? I think it was Bint who called it when she said women want their man to look like Denzel while she's looking like Della Reese I gotta get my health and fitness game on point and lose the extra pounds. In the meantime, as I work towards that goal, I can definitely work harder to put myself together more in the hair, makeup, dress department.)

3. Be less shy. (I am terribly shy around men. So, I need to open up a little and put myself out there.)

Great thread!

 

[Belle Du Jour]

2. Transforming myself physically. (Yeah, I talk a good game about being big & beautiful, but honestly, I cannot get mad at someone if they don't want to be with me because of my size. I know that I want someone who looks good . . . so why shouldn't I reciprocate? I think it was Bint who called it when she said women want their man to look like Denzel while she's looking like Della Reese I gotta get my health and fitness game on point and lose the extra pounds. In the meantime, as I work towards that goal, I can definitely work harder to put myself together more in the hair, makeup, dress department.)

I think it's cool that you realize what you need to work on but still plan on putting yourself out there instead of waiting until you're the "perfect size." I see people of all sizes dating.