What are you doing in 2009 to get the relationship you want?

[GlossMeUp]

I'm continuing with my weekly therapy sessions which are helping me to uncover some negative patterns and understand why I'm doing them. It has helped me to confront some issues in my past which I didn't realize were still affecting my present. I'm learning to forgive myself for some of my poor choices and understanding that now that I know better I can do better, but not to berate myself if the lesson still needs to stick because growth is still an ongoing processes.

I'm trying to become a better communicator and not be so quick with my mouth and the defensiveness when I have an issue with him.

I need to get back to kitchen. I've gotten very lazy in this area.

I'm conscientiously trying to make more time for him and not getting so caught up in my work and school.

My body needs an overhaul. I gotta get tighter and lose these extra pounds, especially if I'm serious about trying for child.

 

[Britt]

Nice thread, just in time

I'm trying to make an effort and go out more, and I am really working on myself. I've been doing so for the past few months, but as each day passes, it's like I learn more and more. I'm also being much more honest and intuitive about men. If something doesn't sit right with me, don't ignore it... question why I feel that way. Samething with people in general. I'm also trying to really figure out what is really important to me in a mate, and also to make sure that I can be the best *me* I can be. I can't ask for all these wonderful qualities in a guy when I have some inner work that really needs to be worked on myself.

 

[itismehmmkay]

More than anything, I'm being mindful of where I'd want and not want to meet a potential partner. Also, making sure that I have my own routines in place so that he knows how to get in where he fits in. And I plan to go back to my home church. I had been visiting a church here and there, but I realize that it doesn't keep my as consistent and grounded as I like. And I'll probably rejoin one of the ministries there

 

[mango387]

1. Studying and living by the Bible more
2. Forgiving myself for past mistakes
3. Ignoring the married/dating people who ask about my relationship status and trying not to become angry/embarrassed when they do...Seriously, I wish people, specifically doggone Southerners, would realize that if someone is married/dating, they would probably know w/o having to ask. (I am from the South, so I can talk about Southerners).

 

[cocoaluv]

Being honest with what is is I want in a mate
Forgiving myself for past mistakes
Stop dealing with past relationships and focus on getting myself 100% together.

 

[Bunny77]

3. Ignoring the married/dating people who ask about my relationship status and trying not to become angry/embarrassed when they do...Seriously, I wish people, specifically doggone Southerners, would realize that if someone is married/dating, they would probably know w/o having to ask. (I am from the South, so I can talk about Southerners).

I'm not from the South, but I get that question too! Seriously, if I am with someone, EVERYONE would know, trust me.

Have you ever flipped it on them and asked why they haven't introduced you yet to a nice man who would like to be married? Or saying that if they're so interested in your status, maybe they could help you out?

(Then again, if they only know bamas, maybe that's not a good idea! )

 

[Evolution76]

Nice thread, just in time

I'm trying to make an effort and go out more, and I am really working on myself. I've been doing so for the past few months, but as each day passes, it's like I learn more and more. I'm also being much more honest and intuitive about men. If something doesn't sit right with me, don't ignore it... question why I feel that way. Samething with people in general. I'm also trying to really figure out what is really important to me in a mate, and also to make sure that I can be the best *me* I can be. I can't ask for all these wonderful qualities in a guy when I have some inner work that really needs to be worked on myself.

I've been doing the same thing. In my 20s I would convince myself I was trippin', etc and then months later realize I knew what was up from practically day one. Now, if a guy says or does something that makes me go hmmm, he's out the running. No need to delay the inevitable.

 

[mango387]

I'm not from the South, but I get that question too! Seriously, if I am with someone, EVERYONE would know, trust me.

Have you ever flipped it on them and asked why they haven't introduced you yet to a nice man who would like to be married? Or saying that if they're so interested in your status, maybe they could help you out?

(Then again, if they only know bamas, maybe that's not a good idea! )

Off-topic: Sorry OP!
No, I have never flipped it on anyone. A few weeks ago, an acquaintance at work asked "You're not married? You don't have children? Girl, whatcha been doing?" When I went home, I literally cried. It seemed like each time I take steps forward, someone was there to remind me that I was single and childless. And you would know, homegirl was married with one child and another on the way.

I know that I am not perfect or good or great, but sometimes I see so many other imperfect people who have married decent people. Shoot. I have seen hardworking, ambitious, Christian men propose to women who got pregnant on them with some other dude while they were supposed to be dating exclusively. When you see that, I'm like AIN'T NO BOOK IN THE WORLD THAT CAN EXPLAIN THAT. Anyway, I'm trying to forget about the past and forge into the future.

 

[Bunny77]

I know that I am not perfect or good or great, but sometimes I see so many other imperfect people who have married decent people. Shoot. I have seen hardworking, ambitious, Christian men propose to women who got pregnant on them with some other dude while they were supposed to be dating exclusively. When you see that, I'm like AIN'T NO BOOK IN THE WORLD THAT CAN EXPLAIN THAT. Anyway, I'm trying to forget about the past and forge into the future.

And this is the point that I think that ALL currently single ladies (especially black ones) should realize!

You do NOT have to be this perfect woman to get married to a good man. Please ignore all of the so-called "Christian" singles conferences, books, silly posts by silly men on Facebook, etc., telling you that you aren't "ready" for a relationship or that God is still working on you or that you may never get married, etc.

Yes, all of us in this universe need to continually work on ourselves, our relationships with God, etc., etc., BUT NONE OF THAT MEANS THAT YOU CAN'T BE MARRIED TO A GOOD MAN IN THE MEANTIME!

So definitely forge ahead and you'll be alright. Let's make 2009 our year!

 

[jturner7156]

Hmm, I will:
1.smile more
2.keep myself up always (hair, skin, nails, eat healthier)
3.grow a stronger relationship with God through prayer, fasting
4.join a couple of meetup groups and actually show up
5.enjoy each day as it was my last
6.LOVE MYSELF SO MUCH!!!!!!!

 

[missjones]

I guess try to get out more, I'm not going to meet anybody sitting at home playing sims

 

[bermudabeauty]

Have faith in Jesus and let him direct me to the right dude.

 

[MACgirl2k2]

I"m working out losing weight and learning to love me. The best thing I can do right now before I find anyone.

 

[SimpleKomplexity]

I'm more focused on me. This year i ll aboutme, and me being a better person. I'm going to go out more, be highly selective in the guys I like, and start back exercising 4 days a week!! Whoo Hoo!

 

[TCatt86]

I will be focusing on me and the people that I love that are already in my life. I'm cutting loose meaningless relationships. No more talking to the ex from two years ago that just wants to bother me into a relationship, etc. 2009 is the year of me!!!

 

[Lyoness]

1. I'm putting the past behind me, making better choices from past experiences.
2. I'm not settling for anyone that doesn't quite make it.
3. If I am interested in someone to actually give them my number or take theirs, if nothing comes of it romantically well I've gained a friend.
4. Putting myself 1st, doing something because I genuinely want/like to do something not to impress anyone else.
5. Read more self help/relationship books.
6. Be myself

 

[val1212]

i'm demanding what I want and if you can't deliver, Get your hat. Also working on the bod for me.

 

[mblake8]

I need to love me first. Loose the weight and look my best. Then go at and be social because i LOVE to sit at home and do nothing

 

[**Glamourlicious**]

I am keeping ME first.
I have a habit of spoiling my men, my friends, my family memebers...
but....I will spoil ME first.
You TEACH people how to treat you. Men will only do what you allow them to do.

I will also remember that I am the prize and not him...he is a part OF my life...and not my life. Continue to do me and not get lost in him.

 

[TrendySocialite]

For black women and especially if you grew up in the church it's been beat in our heads "He that findeth a wife..." (yes, even said in King James English LOL)

I believe this to be true to a degree. But one day at work I realized that my husband would either be a student or would have to be a delivery man, because that's the only two ways I would meet him.

For me, I put my all in my career and it's gotten me nowhere. So I'm spending 2009 spending the energy I put in my present job into finding a new job, going to graduate school and pursuing a relationship that is healthy.

I also spent 2008 doing for others. I've literally become a recluse the last two weeks to invest in some much needed self-care. And because of that I'm a bit more focused and ready to tackle some things in 2009.

 

[NappturalWomyn]

Great thread.

I am not settling.
I am actively praying for God to place the right man in my life and give me discernment.
I am not hanging on every word that comes out of every man's mouth. Show me. Actions speak louder than words.
I am working on me (working out, eating right, staying healthy)...
I am going to have the time of my life. Smile. Laugh. Love. And if I don't have a date on Friday or Saturday nights, I'm dating myself. With fresh flowers, chai tea and a great book.
I am not lowering my expectations. I am gaining common sense.
I am not closing myself off to men whom I never thought of dating before (but still attracted to)
I am putting myself out there more (socially) and fully expecting to meet, date and be courted by my future husband.
And until I get engaged, I am dating with a purpose.

ALL OF THE ABOVE

I couldn't say it any plainer. As it was said before on the forum,

and by doing that, I am sure to attract the right mate for me, whether it is current dude or not. I prayed long and hard tonight, and I know it is the direction my spirit should go, and thus my body will follow...

 

[CarLiTa]

I'm doing things to get MYSELF together and I'm hoping that will help me get the relationship that I want. I've been struggling with my current "SO" situation, and have decided to venture out and to not put all of my faith in that relationship anymore and let whatever is supposed to happen happen. But I've decided to not rush into serious dating since I need to work on myself a bit more on the inside and out.

I feel the same way.
Not to put all my faith into my current situation. I am with a great person, but he's talking about some personal things which he feels would make a formal relationship difficult (real issues with his finances, physical distance, etc.). I need to accept that if if he feels that these things bother him so much, that a dating, much less a relationship situation, would not make sense, so I can't stress it.
Emotionally, this has been one of the best things I've been in. There have been some less-than-good times, but I've really felt cared for and appreciated, despite some misunderstandings.

Nevertheless, the non-relationship status bothers me still, and I can't continue to allow that. Makes me feel that something is still... missing in the way he feels about me. What good is that feeling

I am not looking for another relationship situation, but I do not want to close myself off to other people.

I want to smile more, and make more effort to meet guys and also make new female friends. Going to an all-women's college and staying on campus during the weekends focusing on work is not conducive to that!

One thing that I really need to work on is how affectionate/attentive I am with people... with everyone, basically. I am a sensitive person, but most would not know that. I want to take the time to show my family and close friends that I care about them.

I don't feel that I am actively looking for a relationship, but I don't want to carry deep deep feelings for someone and NOT be with them. I just can't do anymore of the grey area.

 

[Evolving78]

keeping my mouth shut
stop being stingy in the bedroom
and being positive and letting go of bad stuff. LOL!

 

[Belle Du Jour]

Ladies, it's going to be a BLESSED year for love. Whatever you decide to do, just come back to this thread when you need for a little boost or a reminder. We can absolutely find love this year.

 

[Makenzie]

I have been:

-smiling more
-not walking like there is a fire
-focusing of my religion

Goals:
-daily bible reading
-exercise
-letting go of past mistakes
-laying out work outfits night before
-realize everyone makes mistakes
-listen to my intuition
-not make excuses for people
-realize it is ok to say no
-not feel guilty about saying no

 

[The Girl]

Great thread.

I am not settling.
I am actively praying for God to place the right man in my life and give me discernment.
I am not hanging on every word that comes out of every man's mouth. Show me. Actions speak louder than words.
I am working on me (working out, eating right, staying healthy)...
I am going to have the time of my life. Smile. Laugh. Love. And if I don't have a date on Friday or Saturday nights, I'm dating myself. With fresh flowers, chai tea and a great book.
I am not lowering my expectations. I am gaining common sense.
I am not closing myself off to men whom I never thought of dating before (but still attracted to)
I am putting myself out there more (socially) and fully expecting to meet, date and be courted by my future husband.
And until I get engaged, I am dating with a purpose.

ALL OF THE ABOVE

That pretty much sums it up right there. I am also relearning to love me and if it comes off b&*(hty to him, he's not the one for me

 

[MizAvalon]

I went to a party this evening, a New Year's Day party and there were probably a good 60 people. Lots of good looking men too. Unfortunately for me, most of them were married but I made a concentrated effort to chat with several of the women that were in my immediate area. I know it doesn't sound like much but even just doing that was a big step for me. I'm proud of myself.

I'm starting 2009 off on the right foot I think.

 

[Choclatcotton]

White Strips, Frownes, Prayer and hair growth along with continuing my education, smiling more and enjoying my independence! 2nd year living on my own and loving it!
Oh and not opressing myself with others expectations, loving and excepting myself because God made me beautiful inside and out. Casting off old childhood fears and misconceptions, being more socially open and inviting.

 

[blue_flower]

Well, I've decided that it's best that I don't do anything. Anytime I try, nothing happens. I'm going to school, I have to save up my money as well as save up money to go on special trip for my birthday. So I'm going to live my life and take care of my business. If someone is interested in me, he'll let me know. But I'm not going to waste my time anymore trying to find out.

 

[Makenzie]

I went to a party this evening, a New Year's Day party and there were probably a good 60 people. Lots of good looking men too. Unfortunately for me, most of them were married but I made a concentrated effort to chat with several of the women that were in my immediate area. I know it doesn't sound like much but even just doing that was a big step for me. I'm proud of myself.

I'm starting 2009 off on the right foot I think.

Good for you! I'm an introvert and came back in here to add that I plan to be more social and enjoy myself no matter where I am.

MizAvalon, I like your post because it shows you stepped out of your comfort zone. Most of the men may have been married, but you possibly made some new girlfriends. And think about it, you never know who they know or are related to.