We Had "The Talk"...Time to Get Rid of the Side Men?

[caltron]

It seems to me that you have doubts about this guy. When you know you've found "the one" it really should be easy to let all the others go. You've been seeing this guy since November. That's long enough to know whether you want to pursue a serious relationship with someone. There will always be other guys if the relationship does not work out, so I don't know why you'd be clinging to these other guys while trying to make a serious relationship work out. If the relationship is going to work, you need to put your full attention to that relationship and not worry about keeping the others on hold.

Honestly, it doesn't sound like you really ready to commit to someone right now and need time to just have fun dating. Also, I think you are really young to be worried about getting a ring on your finger. If I were you, I'd just continue dating, quit worrying about getting married, and let things fall into place naturally. Take the time to find out who you are and what you want out of a relationship and don't rush to try to get to the alter.

 

[aja1121]

If you always want to have a backup plan than you should not have put a title on the relationship or made it exclusive. There is nothing wrong with having a backup plan in fact, I know women who have a "1,2,3" system. However, sex or not, if you are romantically involved with other men then it's cheating. If the other men were just friends, then it would be ok.

 

[caribeandiva]

Yall had the talk so it's official now. If he didn't say yall were official then you could continue to see the other guys but since he did...

 

[gone_fishing]

Generally speaking whenever I have an issue, I always flip the script and ask, "how would I feel if the roles were reversed?"

 

[tarheelgurl]

why have the talk and say you are exclusive if you're not?
nobody is having sex so that isnt a component of cheating
but giving your time and energy to another man and cultivating
a relationship with him whilst sowing seeds w/ mr "talk" is
cheating in my book.

you should have said mr talk i like you you are a great guy
and i am interested in seeing where this may lead but right
now i'm not ready to take our relationship to the "exclusive place"
the "dating place" is good for me right now.

What she said....

 

[SqrpioQutie]

If it has been explicitly stated that you are bf and gf then it is cheating.

ITA!... if both sides agreed to exclusivity, then anything outside of that agreement is cheating, IMO...

 

[Belle Du Jour]

Yes you're cheating. It sounds like you don't want to let go and jump in since it involves risk ie not working out. Well, that's a relationship. At some point, you're going to have to let go of the safety net. Think of it this way, when you order a meal in a restaurant, you don't flag a second waiter and place your order with him just in case the first one messed it up. You wait and see what you get. If you're not exclusive, then by all means, date until your heart's content, but if you have led this guy to believe you are only seeing him, that's wrong. Break it off with those other people or tell him you don't want to be exclusive yet. I have a feeling you know he either wouldn't be down with that or he'd get him some options. And you wouldn't like that.

 

[Butterfly08]

How would you feel if you found out your man was doing the same? I feel like you are setting yourself up for an unsuccessful marriage (if you were to ever get married), especially if your SO knows about this. He will never trust you and therefore will never be committed to you completely, thus completing your self-fulfilling prophecy (I don't stay committed to just one man because all men end up hurting you in the end). And do you really think that marriage is a magic fix that will result in you dropping all of your "extra" activity the minute you say "i do"?

I agree with this post. Would you be ok with your SO doing exactly what you are doing? And if so, why label the relationship exclusive when it's not? ***is puzzled**

 

[gabulldawg]

I agree with this post. Would you be ok with your SO doing exactly what you are doing? And if so, why label the relationship exclusive when it's not? ***is puzzled**

Same here.

 

[Maynard]

How would you feel if you found out your man was doing the same? I feel like you are setting yourself up for an unsuccessful marriage (if you were to ever get married), especially if your SO knows about this. He will never trust you and therefore will never be committed to you completely, thus completing your self-fulfilling prophecy (I don't stay committed to just one man because all men end up hurting you in the end). And do you really think that marriage is a magic fix that will result in you dropping all of your "extra" activity the minute you say "i do"?

ETA: I am learning that it takes a bigger/better person to fully commit to a relationship, no matter how "trivial" you find the relationship to be. If you guys actually sat down and had a talk then you know what you are doing ain't cool. (<-- directed at OP)

 

[frostydoll]

What's the point in having the talk and making it exclusive if you don't really want to be exclusive? I think that's disrespectful to the relationship you're supposed to be building. Sure, you can have friends but you shouldn't be pursuing them like you're single.

 

[NYCQT16]

why have the talk and say you are exclusive if you're not?
nobody is having sex so that isnt a component of cheating
but giving your time and energy to another man and cultivating
a relationship with him whilst sowing seeds w/ mr "talk" is
cheating in my book.

you should have said mr talk i like you you are a great guy
and i am interested in seeing where this may lead but right
now i'm not ready to take our relationship to the "exclusive place"
the "dating place" is good for me right now.

ITA!!

 

[Farida]

How do you know an activity is cheating or not?

In the context of the two involved mutually agreeing to be exclusive, 1 or more of the following:

1. Emotional Intimacy: Sharing details with other men that you wouldn't talk to SO about.
2. Secrecy: Hiding what you are doing from S.O.
3. Sexual Chemistry: You know it, and this can exist without actually having sex.

The big red flag for you my friend is exclusivity plus secrecy.

If you intend to marry this is a dishonest place to start.

 

[sonce]

How do you know an activity is cheating or not?

In the context of the two involved mutually agreeing to be exclusive, 1 or more of the following:

1. Emotional Intimacy: Sharing details with other men that you wouldn't talk to SO about.
2. Secrecy: Hiding what you are doing from S.O.
3. Sexual Chemistry: You know it, and this can exist without actually having sex.

The big red flag for you my friend is exclusivity plus secrecy.

If you intend to marry this is a dishonest place to start.

You are 100% right, and I've known this even as I have been trying to rationalize dishonesty.

UPDATE: All of you who have come down on the side of "this is cheating" are telling nothing but the truth. Thanks everyone for weighing in. I did not need this thread to tell me what I already knew, but it sure would have made dishonesty easier if some of you would have taken my side! Sista can't get a break on this site. I sat down and thought for a while about the ramifications of the actions I was contemplating, and I had a long talk with my boyfriend yesterday. I'm going to give us a wholehearted chance and leave all others alone ...even though I am still terrified! I'm ready to commit and I know that my hesitance to do so is due to trust issues that I have to face.

 

[Farida]

We love you Sonce!

 

[SpyCats]

You're an intelligent lady, I knew you'd GET IT!

Good luck to you in your new committed relationship.

Thanks for the update.

 

[sonce]

Awww Vivmaiko, I love you too! Do you have locs?

Blkbutterfly, thanks a lot for the encouragement. If this blows up in my face, I'm coming here to whoop your ***... Just kidding!

 

[gabulldawg]

You are 100% right, and I've known this even as I have been trying to rationalize dishonesty.

UPDATE: All of you who have come down on the side of "this is cheating" are telling nothing but the truth. Thanks everyone for weighing in. I did not need this thread to tell me what I already knew, but it sure would have made dishonesty easier if some of you would have taken my side! Sista can't get a break on this site. I sat down and thought for a while about the ramifications of the actions I was contemplating, and I had a long talk with my boyfriend yesterday. I'm going to give us a wholehearted chance and leave all others alone ...even though I am still terrified! I'm ready to commit and I know that my hesitance to do so is due to trust issues that I have to face.

I believe the hardest part of a relationship is trusting someone with your heart. Congrats to you for recognizing that you were wrong and for giving this relationship a try! I'm right there with you, girl. I also have trust issues, but hopefully if this is the relationship for you, those problems will fade.

 

[SpyCats]

Awww Vivmaiko, I love you too! Do you have locs?

Blkbutterfly, thanks a lot for the encouragement. If this blows up in my face, I'm coming here to whoop your ***... Just kidding!

Girl, there will NOT be any a$$ whoopin taking place cuz I know you'll be fine. Just enjoy each other.

 

[sonce]

I believe the hardest part of a relationship is trusting someone with your heart.

Yea, gosh it's hard. I rarely let people in but when I do, I am really sensitive and emotional. It's scary.

Congrats to you for recognizing that you were wrong and for giving this relationship a try! I'm right there with you, girl. I also have trust issues, but hopefully if this is the relationship for you, those problems will fade.

Awws thanks. Trust issues sure are hard. I really want them to fade away and they can't as long as I am acting out of fear (even though fear can be a real comfort zone). Now comes the part where I tell back-up plans that I don't need back up anymore. This should be interesting...

 

[SpyCats]

Yea, gosh it's hard. I rarely let people in but when I do, I am really sensitive and emotional. It's scary.

Awws thanks. Trust issues sure are hard. I really want them to fade away and they can't as long as I am acting out of fear (even though fear can be a real comfort zone). Now comes the part where I tell back-up plans that I don't need back up anymore. This should be interesting...

Interesting indeed! Please keep us posted with that (yes, i'm just being nosey)

 

[juju]

Go for it sista !

 

[poetist]

Yea, gosh it's hard. I rarely let people in but when I do, I am really sensitive and emotional. It's scary.

Awws thanks. Trust issues sure are hard. I really want them to fade away and they can't as long as I am acting out of fear (even though fear can be a real comfort zone). Now comes the part where I tell back-up plans that I don't need back up anymore. This should be interesting...

And you should feel empowered by doing it. Def not saying that you should be rude, but you know that you had options before becoming committed. That being said, you also know that you didnt choose your SO because he was the first fine thang walking . Instead, you chose him because out of everyone else, he just does it for you. So much so, that the backups are pointless. THat's a GREAT place to be.

Congrats and good luck!!!!

 

[tthreat08]

Well, I think you should have avoided having "the talk" of you were nt ready for exclusivity. I think a woman has EVERY right to keep her options open and shop....but she remain HONEST about that. She should make it clear that the only way to take her OFF the market is with a ring and a date is that is her position.

 

[locabouthair]

Sonce I just checked out your album and your hair is beautiful!

Back to the topic at hand, yeah trusting someone is hard. but dating/relationships is all about taking risks. Good luck with everything!

 

[tocktick]

if you are in an exclusive relationship with someone but continue to date others outside of that then, yes, imo, you are cheating. any relationship is a risk to some extent but if we want it to work with no dishonesty then we have to be willing to let our guard down and be in a monogamous relationship. you can't have your "potentials" or "back-ups" because i don't think it's fair and more worryingly, it seems right from the beginning you have it in your head already that will be most definitely go wrong soon. i don't think that's the kind of mindset to bring into a relationship. ust because you may not be sexual involved with the other guys or even affectionate, that doesn't mean that you're not cheating. i think if a are giving your time to other men beyond a friendship level then that isn't right. people often say emotional affairs are worse than physical ones and i agree to an extent.

if you were not exclusive then i'd say feel free to date whoever you want but it appears this isn't the case.

 

[tocktick]

Cell phone for others (men) or ur gals to call. SO usually does not know about it.

wow. like another poster said, would the person doing this be cool if they found out their so was going the exact same thing? if this is how it is, fcuk being in a so-called mutually exclusive relationship and just be single. it seems people are only in such relationships because it is convenient for them.

i will never for the life of me ever figure out this "i'm free, even if i'm in a mutually exclusive relationship, until i have a ring on my finger". so what, you're going to cut out the stage before you actually get married? whilst you are unmarried, this is the time you lay the foundations of your relationship and establish what is right or wrong within it. if you're still collecting number and not only that being sneaky by speaking with such men beihind your SO's back, why in the hell do you think you will have a successful marriage. or even deserve one at that? i wonder if such people will even get to the marriage stage. games were played long before they got married so i wouldn't expect them to stop once they have a ring on their finger. things nowadays are so twisted, imo.

 

[SweetNic_JA]

Good luck on your new relationship! I think you made the right decision to ditch the other guys. . . just keep their numbers close if this one doesn't work out.


I'm kidding!!

 

[jwhitley6]

Good luck on your new relationship! I think you made the right decision to ditch the other guys. . . just keep their numbers close if this one doesn't work out.


I'm kidding!!

For real though....throw them away when you get engaged. No need to "forsake all others" just yet. Just focus on your bf right now and give it fair chance.

 

[sonce]

Good luck on your new relationship! I think you made the right decision to ditch the other guys. . . just keep their numbers close if this one doesn't work out.

Definitely doing this.

Interesting indeed! Please keep us posted with that (yes, i'm just being nosey)

Ok, here's an update: Two of the others were totally cool and said to call them if things don't work out. Trust that I'll be taking them up on that offer if need be. The dude I was going to go on a date with tomorrow said that I should call him too--even if things do work out.See, it's not just women who are homewreckers. I haven't talked to the other two because they're the ones I nearly ended up in a relationship with (I was weighing three potentials). I want to go out with them and tell them face to face because I've been dating them for longer than I've been with the new bf and I feel that I owe them more than just a phone call, but I wonder if that is a bad idea (folks are crazy nowadays and I'm not trying to get my neck wrung by a spurned man erplexed).