We Had "The Talk"...Time to Get Rid of the Side Men?

[sonce]

This 50-11th dating thread by Sonce is brought to you by the letter F. (Sorry y'all, this is where I'm at right now...dating, dating, dating 24/7. )

I had "the talk" with a guy I've been seeing since November. The end result of the talk is that we are officially boyfriend/girlfriend and exclusive and blah blah blah. Don't get me wrong, this is great...but I like having back-up plans, you see. I have another guy I've been seeing since two weeks after I met the fellow I spoke with today, and I'm casually dating another guy who I'm just getting to know. I'm also scheduled to go on a date next week with a really great guy who is interested in me...Busy, huh?

I want a serious, longterm relationship, but I don't want any one guy to be able to hold me to ransom. So, at any given time, I'm cultivating a few potentials so that I have the upper hand on all these dispensable mofos...bwahahaha...

Oh and I'm celibate, so don't nobody get out of pocket.

Anyway, is it cheating to keep cultivating my other potentials? What exactly is cheating? I'm starting to feel as if the only true commitment is a marital one, and I don't see a ring on my finger...

To you, what is what cheating is exactly?

Did you always feel this way? (or did marriage, divorce, or something change your mind on the definition of cheating?)

 

[glamazon386]

If it has been explicitly stated that you are bf and gf then it is cheating. But if you're just casually dating and not exclusive then I don't see the problem.

 

[Maynard]

I have been with my SO for two years...

I still get numbers, I still have potentials...

I also have a "bat" phone.

Until we get married, ALL of those things will stay in place.

 

[Maa Maa omo mti]

Girl there is a relationship forum. ........





Anyways, It really depends on how much you like him and how much you really want to take the relationship seriously. At one point you just have to let go and take risks.

 

[SpyCats]

If it has been explicitly stated that you are bf and gf then it is cheating. But if you're just casually dating and not exclusive then I don't see the problem.

Exactly what she said.

Uh Sonce , where are you meeting all of these eligible bachlors? Do tell...please and thank you.

 

[sonce]

Girl there is a relationship forum. ........

Indeed there is. However, the traffic here is much greater and I want answers to my thread. So here I shall post.

At one point you just have to let go and take risks.

But I don't want to...erplexed

 

[Reslnt1]

i dunno....i've dated a few guys exclusively just to fiind out i was the only one being truly exclusive...i really feel that at this point until you put a ring on my finger..(shoot my care has a spare, why cant i?).....cause it aint that serious to you if you cant see urself being with me for the long haul...i'm 30 and i aint got no more time to waste

 

[sonce]

i dunno....i've dated a few guys exclusively just to fiind out i was the only one being truly exclusive...i really feel that at this point until you put a ring on my finger..(shoot my care has a spare, why cant i?).....cause it aint that serious to you if you cant see urself being with me for the long haul...i'm 30 and i aint got no more time to waste

See, I feel you on this. I'm 22 but I don't have time to waste either. Until I have a ring on my finger, I don't feel as if I want to bet everything on one person.

 

[PretteePlease]

why have the talk and say you are exclusive if you're not?
nobody is having sex so that isnt a component of cheating
but giving your time and energy to another man and cultivating
a relationship with him whilst sowing seeds w/ mr "talk" is
cheating in my book.

you should have said mr talk i like you you are a great guy
and i am interested in seeing where this may lead but right
now i'm not ready to take our relationship to the "exclusive place"
the "dating place" is good for me right now.

 

[SpyCats]

This 50-11th dating thread by Sonce is brought to you by the letter F. (Sorry y'all, this is where I'm at right now...dating, dating, dating 24/7. )

I had "the talk" with a guy I've been seeing since November. The end result of the talk is that we are officially boyfriend/girlfriend and exclusive and blah blah blah. Don't get me wrong, this is great...but I like having back-up plans, you see. I have another guy I've been seeing since two weeks after I met the fellow I spoke with today, and I'm casually dating another guy who I'm just getting to know. I'm also scheduled to go on a date next week with a really great guy who is interested in me...Busy, huh?

I want a serious, longterm relationship, but I don't want any one guy to be able to hold me to ransom. So, at any given time, I'm cultivating a few potentials so that I have the upper hand on all these dispensable mofos...bwahahaha...

Oh and I'm celibate, so don't nobody get out of pocket.

Anyway, is it cheating to keep cultivating my other potentials? I consider it cheating because the reason for the "cultivation" of these potentials is to turn them into relationships. No? What exactly is cheating? Sonce honey, you know what cheating is and the fact that you will be going out with people (gentlemen)who want more from youthan to just shoot the breeze basically, isn't fair to your new boyfriend.
I'm starting to feel as if the only true commitment is a marital one, and I don't see a ring on my finger...

To you, what is what cheating is exactly?

Did you always feel this way? (or did marriage, divorce, or something change your mind on the definition of cheating?)

My answers are in blue

 

[Reslnt1]

See, I feel you on this. I'm 22 but I don't have time to waste either. Until I have a ring on my finger, I don't feel as if I want to bet everything on one person.

the only time i feel is risk is being taken on his part is when he decides he wants to marry me....b/c then he is taking a chance on being in a relationship with me only for the rest of his life....

 

[SpyCats]

why have the talk and say you are exclusive if you're not?
nobody is having sex so that isnt a component of cheating
but giving your time and energy to another man and cultivating
a relationship with him whilst sowing seeds w/ mr "talk" is
cheating in my book.

you should have said mr talk i like you you are a great guy
and i am interested in seeing where this may lead but right
now i'm not ready to take our relationship to the "exclusive place"
the "dating place" is good for me right now.

And there you have it!

 

[sonce]

Uh Sonce , where are you meeting all of these eligible bachlors? Do tell...please and thank you.

All right, I'll share: Bar association events, law firm events etc. I also belong to a few, very large (I emphasize that--avoid dating in small associations where women are likely to gossip and say untrue things about you because you're doing better than they are) associations where well-educated, intelligent men are the majority. I am my mother's eldest daughter and between me and her and my aunty, we're going to snag me an eligible bachelor. My mom advised me to join the associations and my aunt advised me to start frequenting coffee shops and lounges in neighborhoods located in areas with high concentrations of businessmen (ex: Midtown and Wall Street). I took both of their advice and those ladies know what they are talking about! I met the guy I'm going on a date with next week in a Starbucks in Midtown and I met the guy I am exclusive with at a meeting of an association at our school.

 

[Hil84figer]

Why even label it bf/gf when you still want to see others. Just stick to dating. It is cheating because you are breaking your word to be mutually exclusive. If you can't let him know. No games. Be straight up about it. The whole he's a guy and may be not exclusive doesn't cut it.

 

[Ms. Plain Jane]

I have been with my SO for two years...

I still get numbers, I still have potentials...

I also have a "bat" phone.

Until we get married, ALL of those things will stay in place.

What's that?

 

[sonce]

What's that?

yea, what is that? Maybe I need to get me one...

 

[gabulldawg]

I have been with my SO for two years...

I still get numbers, I still have potentials...

I also have a "bat" phone.

Until we get married, ALL of those things will stay in place.

How would you feel if you found out your man was doing the same? I feel like you are setting yourself up for an unsuccessful marriage (if you were to ever get married), especially if your SO knows about this. He will never trust you and therefore will never be committed to you completely, thus completing your self-fulfilling prophecy (I don't stay committed to just one man because all men end up hurting you in the end). And do you really think that marriage is a magic fix that will result in you dropping all of your "extra" activity the minute you say "i do"?

ETA: I am learning that it takes a bigger/better person to fully commit to a relationship, no matter how "trivial" you find the relationship to be. If you guys actually sat down and had a talk then you know what you are doing ain't cool. (<-- directed at OP)

 

[Dee-Licious]

What's that?

Cell phone for others (men) or ur gals to call. SO usually does not know about it.

 

[SpyCats]

All right, I'll share: Bar association events, law firm events etc. I also belong to a few, very large (I emphasize that--avoid dating in small associations where women are likely to gossip and say untrue things about you because you're doing better than they are) associations where well-educated, intelligent men are the majority. I am my mother's eldest daughter and between me and her and my aunty, we're going to snag me an eligible bachelor. My mom advised me to join the associations and my aunt advised me to start frequenting coffee shops and lounges in neighborhoods located in areas with high concentrations of businessmen (ex: Midtown and Wall Street). I took both of their advice and those ladies know what they are talking about! I met the guy I'm going on a date with next week in a Starbucks in Midtown and I met the guy I am exclusive with at a meeting of an association at our school.

Excellent advice btw. **Midtown and Wall Street is where blkbutterflyz needs to be!**

Thank you for responding.

 

[sonce]

Excellent advice btw. **Midtown and Wall Street is where blkbutterflyz needs to be!**

Thank you for responding.

Oh and don't forget to frequent those coffee shops alone, and bring a friend who knows how to disappear to the association meetings. An entourage will only deter men from approaching (I don't approach men).

 

[Bunny77]

Oh and don't forget to frequent those coffee shops alone, and bring a friend who knows how to disappear to the association meetings. An entourage will only deter men from approaching (I don't approach men).

I do the coffee shop thing all the time... too bad I live in a small town with a bunch of old people. I don't meet nobody.

I got other plans though...

 

[SpyCats]

Oh and don't forget to frequent those coffee shops alone, and bring a friend who knows how to disappear to the association meetings. An entourage will only deter men from approaching (I don't approach men).

This won't be a problem for me at all, most of what I do I do alone. The only thing I have to be mindful of is to make eye contact and smile (I tend to look away when someone looks at me...I really don't know why I do this) because like you I.Don't.Approach.Men.

I don't have time to waste as I am in my late 30's

 

[sonce]

I do the coffee shop thing all the time... too bad I live in a small town with a bunch of old people. I don't meet nobody.

Aww that stinks. Dating is one of two reasons I chose to go to school in NYC.

I got other plans though...

Do share!

 

[sonce]

This won't be a problem for me at all, most of what I do I do alone. The only thing I have to be mindful of is to make eye contact and smile (I tend to look away when someone looks at me...I really don't know why I do this)because like you I.Don't.Approach.Men.

I used to be the same way. I did it because I had all sorts of horrid experiences with bold cretins approaching me after a millisecond of eye contact. I still look away quickly when I'm not looking at someone I'm interested in.

 

[dlewis]

Sonce why did I think you were married?

Cheating to me is any type of emotional connection with another woman that crosses my line. Cheating is not always sexually. If my husband get to close to another woman, that's cheating in my book. Kissing and sex together or separate from one another is cheating.

If my husband and a man is involve. My gun will also be involved.

 

[BAP28]

well sinceyou two are exclusive i think it would be semi--not kelw to enetertain the others

trust me i am a dater-- i like to have my cake all the time--but once the talk occurs its like---hmmm..i wouldnt do anything to anyone that i would not want done to me...

This 50-11th dating thread by Sonce is brought to you by the letter F. (Sorry y'all, this is where I'm at right now...dating, dating, dating 24/7. )

I had "the talk" with a guy I've been seeing since November. The end result of the talk is that we are officially boyfriend/girlfriend and exclusive and blah blah blah. Don't get me wrong, this is great...but I like having back-up plans, you see. I have another guy I've been seeing since two weeks after I met the fellow I spoke with today, and I'm casually dating another guy who I'm just getting to know. I'm also scheduled to go on a date next week with a really great guy who is interested in me...Busy, huh?

I want a serious, longterm relationship, but I don't want any one guy to be able to hold me to ransom. So, at any given time, I'm cultivating a few potentials so that I have the upper hand on all these dispensable mofos...bwahahaha...

Oh and I'm celibate, so don't nobody get out of pocket.

Anyway, is it cheating to keep cultivating my other potentials? What exactly is cheating? I'm starting to feel as if the only true commitment is a marital one, and I don't see a ring on my finger...

To you, what is what cheating is exactly?

Did you always feel this way? (or did marriage, divorce, or something change your mind on the definition of cheating?)

 

[sonce]

Cheating to me is any type of emotional connection with another woman that crosses my line. Cheating is not always sexually. If my husband get to close to another woman, that's cheating in my book. Kissing and sex together or separate from one another is cheating.

ITA with you but do you think it is different when there is not marriage involved?

If my husband and a man is involve. My gun will also be involved.

I hear ya on that one. I'll have my 9mm loaded if you need back up.

 

[Whimsy]

if two people have agreed to be exclusive and one person is breaking the agreement without the other persons knowledge.... that's not only tacky, it's cheating and it's wrong IMO.

If you value your freedom that much then don't be exclusive w/ anyone.

cheating isn't just sex/kissing...whatever. it's the act of betrayal of trust.

 

[ibelieve]

I have seen the question posted a couple times but maybe missed the answer...

What was the reason for making things exclusive if that isn't what you want???

Cheating or not cheating I don't know...But it sounds like a lot of game playing which is something I don't have time for at all.

Sonya

 

[itismehmmkay]

If it has been explicitly stated that you are bf and gf then it is cheating. But if you're just casually dating and not exclusive then I don't see the problem.

I agree. If it's official that you guys are exclusive, then scheduled dates are out.