Warning Signs of an Abusive Relationship

[Mitre]

New Topic Verbal Self Defense

Verbal self-defense has three basic parts:
1. Understanding what's really going on
2. listening instead of leaping to conclusions
3. Knowing how to respond.

Knowing how to respond Our culture teaches three standard ways to respond to a verbal attack:
Attacking back - "How DARE you say that to me!"
Pleading - "I can't BELIEVE you're going to start that again when you KNOW how much work I have to do today!"
Debating - "There are three reasons why what you say is ridiculous. First..."

All three are strategic errors,
All three reward the attacker by providing your immediate full attention, often with an emotional reaction thrown in that increases the intensity of that attention. All you do when you use those three traditional responses is encourage the attacker to do it again.
What you need is a response that doesn't do this.

You need a response that lets the attacker know you won't serve as willing victim.
1. Fleeing the scene won't do it; fleeing makes it obvious to attackers that they "got to you"; they'll be eager to try again.
2. Silently ignoring attackers won't serve either; in our culture, silence is punishment, and is just another kind of counterattack. Like fleeing, it says, "You got to me. You can push my buttons."

Your goal is to respond to hostile language in a way that doesn't set you up as a victim, doesn't reward the attacker, doesn't require you to sacrifice your principles or dignity, and causes no loss of face on either side.

Methods
Use The Boring Baroque Response
Your attacker has come at you with "WHY do you eat SO MUCH JUNK food??" And here's what you say, while you stare not at the attacker but off into space, as if you were thinking deep thoughts.
"You know, I think it's because of something that happened to me when I was just a little kid. We were living in Detroit at the time, and... No, wait a minute! It couldn't have been Detroit, it must have been when we were living in Indianapolis, because that was the summer my Aunt Grace came to visit us and brought her dog. You know those funny little dogs with the big ears that stick out? Well, this dog...." [And so on, for as long as it takes.]

Use Computer Mode
Hostile language in English almost always has two identifying characteristics:
1. lots and lots of personal vocabulary and personal comments.
2. lots of extra stress on words and parts of words.

Responding with more of the same is like throwing gasoline on a fire; it gives your attacker everything needed to feed the argument and make it escalate. To use Computer Mode:
1. You avoid everything personal; you talk in platitudes and generalities and hypotheticals; and you keep your body language -- including the tune your words are set to -- neutral and controlled.
2. Computer Mode defuses verbal attacks because it doesn't give the attacker what he or she wants and it doesn't give the attacker any fuel with which to keep the altercation going. There is no safer stance.
Suppose somebody has come at you with an attack like "WHY can't I ever FIND anything around this place? Do you HIDE STUFF just to be annoying, or WHAT??" Don't take the bait. Don't start claiming that you don't hide things; don't start explaining your system for putting things in their places; don't start yelling that the attacker is the one who misplaces everything or is just too stupid to be able to find anything; don't just yell, "Get out of my FACE, you creep!" All those responses reward the attacker and make you a participating verbal victim. Instead, say something like this:
1. "People get irritated when they can't find things."
2. "It's very annoying not to be able to find things."
3. "Misplaced tools [or books, or supplies, or whatever] cause problems in every workplace [or home, or clinic, or whatever]."
4. "Nothing is more distressing than having to hunt for things."
No matter how many more times the attacker throws hostile language at you, continue to answer only with another response in Computer Mode. If the hostile strategy has always worked in the past, it may take the attacker a while to understand that it's not going to work this time.

Impersonal Response
Respond to your attacker with impersonal language rather than engaging him directly. Direct engagement will only trigger an emotional response and cause the situation to escalate. He may yell, "This place is so messy! You're completely useless! Why can't you keep this place clean?" Do not yell back that there really isn't a mess. Instead, state that many people are disgusted by messy living spaces. Every time he persists in attacking, continue answering impersonally until he calms down.

Agreeing and Joking
In this tactic, you agree with what the bully says, and make a joke of it. Say the bully says, "That's a stupid hat." You say, "If you like this one, you should see the one I wore yesterday. It was 2 feet higher." Or, "I'm thinking of adding stripes to it." Or, "It's biodegradable." Basically, say anything that people listening would find funny.

 

[Mitre]

39 Tips about Bullies

New Topic: 39 Tips about Bullies

1.Did you know… bullying is repeated, deliberate, disrespectful behavior by one or more people toward another for their own gratification, which harms the target?

2. Did you know… that there is no significant difference in the frequency of bullying between men and women? Researchers at the University of Manchester Institute found that gender did not influence which sex was targeted when studying people who reported being bullied.

3. Did you know… that when confronting a bully, you should be sure to do it in the presence of other people? Bullies will lie through their teeth to protect their position. One or more witnesses will curb their ability to maintain the upper hand at any cost.

4. Did you know… that targets can send non‐verbal messages that induce a bully to try out his/her bullying behavior on them? Body language that is weak, showing dependence on others, and generally exhibiting an air of low confidence, will catch the eye of a bully, who needs to experience the excitement of winning at the expense of someone else.

5. Did you know… that bullies can be passive and aggressive in their bullying
behavior? Pushing, shouting, telling you that you did a poor job, etc. are forms of aggressive bullying. Withholding information, talking poorly about you behind
your back, changing facts in reports that you have produced in order to make
you look bad, are forms of passive aggressive bullying behavior. No matter how the behavior manifests, it's all bullying.

6. Did you know… that bullies are insecure puppies who try to put forth a Rottweiler image? They believe that the best defense against being "found out" is a strong offense. They need to diminish their target to remind themselves that they are still in control and above the pack.

7. Did you know… that in the majority of cases, when a bully is reported to a company, the respective company keeps the bully in their employ? Even though many work cultures tout healthy working environments where the dignity and rights of the individual are protected, very few companies really do what they profess when it comes to removing bullies from the work environment.

8. Did you know… that someone who falls prey to bullying behavior is strongly advised to pull together a support group of trusted people? This will provide other sets of eyes, ears and brains for formulating a strategy for dealing with the situation. The effects of bullying reduce one's mental acuity and ability to make good choices amidst the vicious onslaught of this

9. Did you know… that bullies affect targets in the area of their personal relationships with others? Family and friends may experience the targets as withdrawn, antisocial and/or agitated or irritable. Family and personal relationships have been known to end because of a bully's vicious attacks on an innocent target.

10. Did you know… that bullies frequently target the most competent
people in the pack? Those with undergraduate and graduate degrees report
a high incidence of being bullied. If a bully can lord it over someone who
appears intelligent and competent, he/she can convince him/herself that
he/she is better than they are.

11. Did you know… that when a person has a well‐developed self in place, it is difficult for another to invade their personal space without permission? A poorly developed self however causes internal anxiety and doubt and makes that person much more vulnerable to influence by others. These people can become fodder for a hungry bully. Work on loving yourself for who you are.

12. Did you know… that bullies do not express feelings well because they have honed the art of emotional repression all their life? Being raised in families that were often very poorly connected, they found that they needed to bury their feelings in order to cope with the pain.

13. Did you know… that Heinz Leymann, a Swedish doctor and researcher, worked with victims of workplace mobbing doing healing and research? He found that the targets' chances of healing were reduced if the perpetrator went unpunished, and the target was not properly supported. If the target felt that his/her safety was still in question, the chances of healing were reduced.

14. Did you know… that companies have unique personalities as do people? If a company's main characteristic is denial, it will never need to address problems because it will operate as if they don't exist. These working contexts provide a perfect milieu for bullies to thrive.

15. Did you know… that it's all about power for both the bully and the target? Early on in life, both were under the utter control of parents. The target operates as though the world is full of examples of cooperation. The bully operates as though the world is full of controllers, and she can only value herself when she can feel in control of others. While people always have the power to choose their destiny, early life experiences strongly influence whether one will become a target or a bully.

16. Did you know… that bullies bully because they can? Three factors weigh heavily in promoting this tyranny:
1..Some workplaces pit worker against worker with the intent to motivate for higher results.
2..Some Machiavellian types live to manipulate others and look for any opportunity to exercise control of others.
3..Some employers reward aggression with promotions and rewards.

17. Did you know... that in the bullying process, the gravest danger for the target comes when the target succumbs to self‐doubt? When self‐doubt is experienced, the door to one's emotional centre is opened. This permits the bully to gain access to and ransack the target's inner self. You can manage your inner critic.

18. Did you know… three factors enable bullies to thrive – secrecy, shame and silent witnesses? People who witness bullying in the workplace rarely speak out and leave the struggling target to manage their misfortune alone, at a time when the target could really use their help.

 

[Mitre]

1. Tips about Bullies

19. Did you know… that strangely enough, witnesses to bullying may deplore the behavior of the bully in private; while in their working group, they collude to do nothing and remain silent, allowing the bullying to proceed? It would appear that by acknowledging their displeasure with their colleagues, they unlock the possibility of confrontation of the bully, and thereby jeopardize their own sense of security.

20. Did you know… that a bullying boss often uses "under performance" as the platform for staging her bullying drama Over generalizations such as "not doing your job", "not up to scratch", "not meeting expectations", etc. are used to evaluate the target's performance, with little or no substantiating evidence. "Fat" statements such as these should cause one to question the boss's underlying motivation. Stay alert and raise questions until you get a satisfactory answer for yourself.

21. Did you know... that keeping a journal of strange or suspicious interactions with a suspected bully is advisable? Even though you may wonder if a given incident is worthy of such attention, it is wise to let the future decide if, in retrospect, that incident had any meaning regarding bullying.

22. Did you know... that bullying cuts across class, race and culture? Wherever there are humans, the potential for bullying exists. Such behavior seems to find its source in the unbridled instincts of human kind. These instincts are harnessed for the purpose of controlling and hurting another, to make the bully feel good. Bullying can be found anywhere.

23. Did you know... that in every workplace, small informal cliques or "in‐groups" form? One day a target may be included, feeling the support and understanding of these people. The next day they may be excluded, experiencing the devastation of isolation. The inconsistency of this bond to "in‐groups" further serves to deteriorate the psyche of the target.

24. Did you know...that bullying causes physical degeneration in the body? One target noted that his failing eyesight started when the bullying began. An explanation could be that when the body is in flight mode, the blood supply flows to the interior organs to enhance survival. Therefore the blood flow was reduced to the retina, and over the long term his eyesight was affected.

25. Did you know... that the bully is a very costly employee to any employer? Some of the tangible costs include:
1..Turnover costs: downtime and cost efficiency, recruitment, hiring bonuses.
2..Legal costs: lawyer fees, settlement costs, appeal costs.
3..Workers' Compensation awards.
4..Increased accidents.
5..Loss of highly skilled workers.

26. Did you know… that the following are some of the intangible costs that workplaces lose as a result of bullying?
1..Company reputation is tarnished.
2..Bad public relations from high profile litigation cases.
3..Sabotage by fearful employees who don't receive protection from employers.
4..Staff resistance to company initiatives.

27. Did you know… that in a respectful workplace culture each coworker has the right to experience:
1..Bringing forward one's thoughts, and the opportunity to hear the thoughts of others.
2..To value oneself and esteem the other. If the words or attributes of co‐workers dis‐empower, disrespect or devalue the other, then this is considered workplace abuse.

28. Did you know… that being bullied is an isolating experience? It tends not to be openly discussed because in many cases this can increase the risk of further ill‐treatment, and because the target often feels ashamed to discuss it with colleagues in case their professional credibility is called into question. Even the mildest form of intimidation may be very disturbing, and, as this intensifies over time, the effect on the target can be severe.

29. Did you know… early warning signs of being bullied include:
1…This relationship is different to anything I've experienced before'.
2…My work is forever being criticized, even though I know my
standards haven't slipped'.
3…I'm beginning to question my own ability'.
4…'I wonder if all these mistakes are really my own fault'.
5…'My supervisor is overbearing and constantly rude'.
6…'My boss is constantly ridiculing me in front of my team'.

30. Did you know… verbal abuse is words that attack or injure, that cause one to believe a false sense of self? Verbal abuse is hurtful in a two‐fold manner:
1…The words, tone of voice and innuendos said are often enough to take the wind out of a target's sails, either overtly (angry outbursts) or very subtly (brainwashing such as pointing out failings on a continual basis that are subjective in nature), and...
2…When the target confronts a bully and the abuse is denied, it invalidates the target's experience. Additional hurt is experienced by not being received, understood or responded to with concern.

31. Did you know… studies have shown that what we think creates what we have? If you were torepeat a phrase 10 times to yourself while looking at yourself in the mirror, such as "I am a worthy and valuable person and I deserve respect", your mind will start to believe this and then start to attract it. Imagine what you could attract and thus push away...

32. Did you know… that if you find yourself in an unfortunate situation with a bully and he/she laughs it off as opposed to showing concern, your boundaries are being violated? To be laughed at when in fact you are hurt and need compassion and understanding is to invalidate your reality and therefore cause confusion. Creating confusion undermines one's self esteem: exactly what the bully wants.

33. Did you know… that many people who are being bullied feel they can rationalize a bully’s blame comments? The bully uses blame, criticism and accusations in order to gain control over a person. These are usually distorted comments that are made to appear true. Remember, they are only "true" to the bully...

34. Did you know… that if you wish to confront the bully about accountability, be prepared for the bully to divert your question and not answer you directly? Bullies divert and block direct questions by changing the topic, sending a question back to you or pointing out how wrong you are for even asking. Your best approach is to take the 'Broken Record Technique' by repeating your question each time the bully tries to divert your question. Hang in there! Just having this insight will give you an added advantage in setting firm boundaries with a bully.

35. Did you know… that the best technique for managing a bully’s attacks is The Surrender Technique? An oak tree that resists the wind loses its branches one by one, and with nothing left to protect it, the trunk finally snaps. The oak that bends or yields, lives longer, its trunk growing wider, its roots deeper and stable. When you are under attack, it might be our first inclination to react. We feel like we have to 'fight back' in order to maintain a sense of power. By yielding, or turning the other cheek, you will neutralize the bully's behavior. The bully expects you to either react or retreat in order for them to gain power over you. Instead they are caught off guard by your lack of resistance. Inwardly you stay firm knowing this tactic's power and outwardly you bend or yield, just as the mighty oaks do.

36. Did you know… that people who have inner critics that beat them up mercilessly are an open receptacle for a bully in waiting, who is wanting to exercise their prowess?

37. Did you know… thoughts of revenge are common for those who are being bullied? Generally speaking though, targets just want the bullying to stop, and to live a life of peace and harmony, where they are valued and loved. Powerful feelings are to be expected.

38. Did you know… unlike schoolyard bullies, workplace bullies often operate within the established rules and policies of their organization? Their bullying is much harder to detect, thereby leaving the target in a state of confusion thinking that it is their fault. Graduate bullies are much more skilled at their craft, appearing to fall within the professional guidelines when in fact they are using perverse expressions of power to achieve their own ends.

39. Did you know… In "Bully Free At Work," we outline the concept of keeping a journal if you find yourself being bullied and are planning to address the issue either with a manager or even in court. If you can, note the following while keeping a journal:
1…The behavior you witnessed from the bully towards you (describe in detail);
2…How this behavior made you feel (emotions, feelings and outlook);
3…What you feel this behavior has caused you in terms of stress related circumstances.
4…How your job productivity has decreased as a result;
5…The specific actions you've tried to take to rectify the situation but to no avail; Showing multiple instances over a period of time will confirm this as a repeated behavior. Telling the bullying nature of the behavior will show the disrespectful attributes, and noting how this behavior was targeted towards you will allow for a more linear and logical case.

 

[Mitre]

What to do if you are bullied at work

New Topic: If you are being bullied at work

1.Keep a Bully Free at Work Log: Include incidents (date, times, locations, possible witnesses, what happened, your response). You do not have to have a record of events in order to file a complaint; however, being able to show the repeated nature of the bullying will be key to gaining support.

2. Attempt first, if you can, to tell the bully his/her behavior is unwelcome and ask him/her to stop. Let them know you will not tolerate this behavior and that you will take action with your boss if these specific behaviors do not change (and be prepared to follow through). Note: For a step‐by step log documentation (Page 100) and ‘How To Confront the Bully for Resolution’ (Page 168) be sure to get the how‐to’s in Bully Free At Work. This goes into much more detail and it is also a go‐to guide to make sure you have the confidence, capability and composure you need before making a move.

3. Your policy should be able to identify the appropriate contact people. Note the people to contact if there is a problem. This contact list is to be available to all levels within the
organization.

4. Document how to file a workplace bullying complaint. If, after asking the harasser to stop his/her behavior, the bullying continues, report the problem (along with your documentation), to one of the following individuals:
i. Your direct boss to first of all avoid insubordination.
ii. If the bully is your boss, then an appropriate ‘same level of authority’ manager. Note: If you are worried about approaching this person, ask for the invitation to share. “May I share something with you and ask for your advice in the best support of the organization?”
iii. Department manager.
iv. Director of Personnel or Human Resources.
v. Union representative or Ombudsman.


What Are the Steps the manager should take?
1. You hear a complaint from an employee and make it safe for the employee to share with you.

2. You ask for documentation or coach them to produce documentation (See page 99 in Bully Free At Work for How To Complete a Workplace Bullying Log).

3. You hear from the target.

4. You hear from the bully.

5. You document both sides.

6. You bring the two parties together and come to an agreement on future behavior expectations and gain agreement from both sides (this is for the future).

7. You bring the two parties together and come to a decision if the past behavior warrants corrective action (this is for the past reconciliation).

8. Decide on corrective action: with documented unwanted behavior that was clearly severe bullying over a period of time with harm to the target, be prepared for dismissal or probation. If it is a ‘personality clash’ then separate the two parties. However, still place the bully on a watchful eye with ‘check‐in’ as they will in most cases find a new target.

9. Communicate to the target they will be protected and notify all necessary authoritative powers of the fact.

10. There are most likely bystanders to the bullying behavior. Be proactive and discuss the consequences openly, considering a formal apology from the bully to the target and to the bystanders.

 

[Mitre]

Trayvon Martin

New Topic: A Cop's take on the Verdict
http://m.dailykos.com/story/2013/07/14/1223459/-A-Cop-s-take-on-the-Verdict?detail=email

The verdict was ridiculous but not surprising. The only way I would describe the way that I feel is nausea. I am just sick that this guy got off and his lawyers are going to shamelessly be doing victory laps on TV for the next several weeks. I also feel so terrible for Trayvon Martin's parents who had to live through that clown show just to see this punk Zimmerman walk. But right now my burning issue is with all of the police officers that defended this idiot from the beginning. Because as a cop of 11 years myself this burns me especially deeply.

First off I'll just say that for me to write this post I have to be brutally honest about a side of the job that most non-police don't even know that much about, the police-adjacent characters that play a pretty significant role in the career of the average police officer. NO not fireman and EMS. I'm talking about the other people that if you work the street you get to know by name because you see them that often. They are the medical examiners, the tow truck drivers, and yes at times the Security Types. Security types come in basically two flavors; bouncer types and security guard types.

Security Guard Types:
If you've gone to the calls and done the job you know dudes like this. You usually meet them pretty early on in your career and you get used to them, they can be clingy at times. As you gain experience you learn what they do well and what they don't. Most of the time the whole precinct knows who they are. They will work security at an apartment complex or a gated community. In my case I worked a pretty rough side of Atlanta so there were no gated communities there, only apartments, and trust me the apartments that had gates were the roughest of all. These security guard types usually know all the neighborhood "stuff". They know (or purport to know) who sells the drugs and who is breaking in houses. They definitely know about the noise complaints and the unruly kids. The teens smoking weed. Most of the time they wan't you to run some dope-boy off or break up the couple having sex in the parking lot. Or maybe they are in over their head with a thug that they have talked a little to sassy too and they have been told they are going to get beat up or worse. Sometimes they do get beat up and worse. There is a place for people like this. They should be respected for what they do. But they should always respect what role they play and even more than that the limits of their authority.

In my experience this person gets in over their head a lot. There seems to be this struggle between what they perceive as their authority and what they know is their responsibility. As a cop they can make your life easier if they just keep the little stuff tamped down, (i.e. kids running at the pool, loud music complaints). But When you drive up and the security guard hands you a 27 ounce bag of weed that they just "confiscated" from someone in a car that is now unoccupied, the occupant of which has since run into a now locked apartment that Mr security just happens to have the key to, and they are begging you to enter (with no warrant), so that they can "help you apprehend the perp", well I think you get the picture. Every single day police officers have to make decisions like this. All are trained, some better than others. Security officer's choose to make these decisions without the training.

The Bouncer Types:
I can't lie, I've worked off duty at night clubs and been thankful for the security there. I have been in bar fights so massively bad that they looked like a scene from brave heart. When you are alone and the music is loud and everybody is yelling and screaming and running its hard to get backup so the only thing that has saved my *** a few times was the folks in security until the cavalry got there. Some of these folks are top notch, some are ex-pro athletes and martial artists. Some are even models and actors so you get a healthy mix. Many a night standing in the cold waiting on my shift to end I've talked to these guys about their dreams and some I've thought would be some really excellent police officers and I've told them so. I've encouraged them in the process, called friends in the department that were recruiters, even given personal references for them. So I definitely appreciate and respect what they do. At times I've worked with security that were more professional than some of the sworn officers that I worked the streets with. But then of course you've got the real knuckle-dragger's that just love to beat people up and then bring them to you looking like a grapefruit expecting you to look the other way. They are just clowns through and through and most likely sociopaths. Some of them may be doing drugs on the job but if they are real turds they may be the ones selling the drugs in the same club they work in. It's a dirty business. But they probably only make up a small part of the population.

In both groups, a lot of these guys probably work security because they have a desire at some level to be a police officer. I always took that as a compliment not with disdain. Law enforcement is an honorable profession and people do good work. But like any other job you have to have good people to do the good work. I've always believed that it is the combination of intelligence, integrity and courage that makes an average police officer a good officer, but I believe it is empathy that comes with experience that makes a good officer great. It is the same dynamic for security officers. The vast majority of these people are hard working folks that are very good at what they do. They are a true asset to law enforcement as long as they stay in their lane and do what they are supposed to do. I'm no longer a police officer I'm actually a counselor now. We have this term in the mental health field that we use that's called "scope of practice". If you are a mental health counselor, practicing outside of your scope will get your *** in trouble and your license revoked. Practicing outside your scope of practice in law enforcement will get your certification revoked and your *** prosecuted and put in prison. But what happens if you are a security guard and you "work outside of your scope of practice"? Well it looks like you can shoot somebody and walk free.

 

[Mitre]

Trayvon Martin

New Topic A Cop's take on the Verdict
http://m.dailykos.com/story/2013/07/14/1223459/-A-Cop-s-take-on-the-Verdict?detail=email

George Zimmerman:
George fits into a special category that we will just term the perpetual wanna-be. He loves guns, he loves MMA, he watches cops. He fancies himself a criminal investigator in the making. He patrols in his personal vehicle, keeps a police scanner and thinks that he has a direct line into dispatch. The dispatchers on night shift probably do know him by name only because he shows up on caller ID so much. On the night in question he probably sees Trayvon and for some tragic reason made his mind up that this sneaky perp wasn't going to get away from him this time. His GUN makes him do things that he shouldn't do because he is basically a coward. He follows, attacks, then is bested in a ground fight by a 17 year old boy that he outweighed by several pounds that he then decides to shoot at point blank range. Even the fight scene that played out in Zimmermans mind was written like an urban contemporary movie with Trayvon's last words saying "you got me". (really?) As a police officer you are trained to use the necessary force to subdue the threat but if there is no longer a deadly threat, deadly force is no longer necessary or approved. Translation = Had this been a real police officer, his *** would be in deep ****. The local police knew he was a cheese ball. That's why they never hired him. They probably knew him by name.

I think what we have in George Zimmerman is a person who very likely has tried to be a police officer many, many, many times but couldn't for some very good reasons. He has probably tried to apply to police departments and could not pass the entry requirements. Now from the surface you would say this is because of his size. You may surmise that he probably couldn't meet the weight or fitness standard. But I disagree. I would wager that Mr. Zimmerman has probably never gotten past the psyche evaluation. I'm sure laws prohibit the release of applicant information but I would bet that he has applied to at least 2 or more sheriff or police departments in the area and has been declined. You see even in a big city it's a relatively small community. Once you begin applying and fail a polygraph or fail a psych, that follows you. Chances are he's failed a few and has likely been blacklisted. Judging from his demeanor and some of the witness statements he may have some delusions as well. As many voter purges as FL has done it is amazing that this man was able to purchase a weapon after an altercation with police and a DV but I assume that is what having a father in law enforcement will get you. Just from the 30,000 foot view Zimmerman probably never should have been able to purchase a gun. Zimmerman never should have held the job that he did. And Zimmerman never should have been able to get away with murder but he did.

That is what is so infuriating and confusing about this case. Good police officers that I know personally very well, that I have policed with, bled with, have taken sides on this case that are completely contrary to everything they have ever demonstrated in their entire professional lives. People that would be pulling their eye teeth out with pliers if they had to deal with a guy like Zimmerman on their beat are cheering his acquittal. People that supervise officers. If this scenario had played out with one of their subordinates shooting an unarmed teen after pursuing them under these circumstances they would have recommended termination at the least and gone all in on an Internal Affairs Investigation are saying the prosecution never had a case. I am sure that my old department would not have hesitated a moment to prosecute any off duty police officer if they had done the same thing that George Zimmerman did. But for some reason this case triggered some sort of collective fugue state that has clouded every bodies mind. At some point this became a basketball game for them, our team versus their team. Now we've got defense lawyers doing victory laps, cops cheering prosecutors losing a case and 60% of the country feeling like a guilty man is going free.

 

[Mitre]

New Topic: Sociopath and crazy making behavior!
http://datingasociopath.com/2013/04/04/sociopath-and-crazy-making-behaviour/

If you have been involved with the sociopath, you will have, after a while, become used to their ‘patterns’ of behaviour.

A sociopath loves to deceive to achieve whatever their agenda is. Money, housing, sex, or sometimes just from the dupers delight that they get from conning and deceiving someone. This means that sometimes the sociopath becomes so caught up in their lie, that the distinction between truth and fiction becomes very blurred.

When the sociopath is about to be caught in the lie you will witness the following pattern.
1. Will start a row

2. Will be acusationary towards you about some action that you haven’t done

3. Will shift the blame, and focus attention on you, and what you are doing

4. Will be very dramatic

5. Eyes will be wide and staring making you feel ‘on edge’

6. Will make a small confession that is along the lines of truth, to try to fool you, and make you believe that he is being honest with you now (in case you find out about the lie) – for example ‘I am sorry that I didn’t go to work yesterday, I wanted to tell you, as I didn’t want to lie to you’. Will make a false apology – (I am sorry that will not happen again) if he is cheating, he will tell you that she bombarded him. Whilst behind your back, he is telling the other woman that you are the evil one making him unhappy. A confession and an apology, in the initial stages, is a tact by the sociopath which doesn’t show how much they love you, but instead, allows him further time to use you some more.

7.He would make the apologies and promise not to do it again, but the actions will not appear to be a person who is ‘sorry’. In fact, the sociopath will now be relentless in pursuing you, for something that you have not done, threading an element of truth in with a false accusation, so that your energy is now spent defending yourself.

8. The sociopath will now bombard you with information. You might want to escape, feel uncomfortable, but the sociopath does not care, and will continue to invade your personal space, moving close to you, not giving you breathing space. It will feel like you are being ‘emotionally suffocated’ that is because you are!

8. The sociopath will then go one further, and try to elicit pity, and will play victim, and will tell you a story designed to make you feel sorry for him. For you to sympathise with him, and that he is the poor hard done by one.

9. By now you are angry that you have been lied to again, so you react with anger to the lie

10. To detract from this, the sociopath will then attack you for not caring about them, or their problem that they are playing victim about. Of course you do not want to hear their story. It is likely that the story that they are feeding you, is made up and false, they are simply saying this to you, to distract you from the real truth and what they have been dishonestly doing.

11. A sociopath usually knows when he is about to be caught out.

12. If you continue to push for truth in the lies, he will then accuse you of being horrible, thoughtless, uncaring (because you don’t care about his poor victim problem). He will choose a sensitive subject – so you will, when his words are repeated back to you (something like his child is sick, or grandmother is dying) , feel bad, and doubt your own mind.

Get out of the relationship!
This is just one example of ‘crazy making’ behaviour by the sociopath. You will experience this over and over again. What you see, during this time is the man behind the mask. The angry controlling man. You might be stunned when you first witness it. Mr perfect is now vanishing before your very eyes. You want back the kind caring man that you are in love with – and this is the hook which gives the sociopath the opportunity to do this to you again and again.

Not wanting to believe it, and being so hurt, you might feel relieved when he says ‘sorry’ he will tell you that nobody loves you like he does, or that nobody has a connection with you like he does. This might actually be true, because nobody else is faking a connection of love, like he is.

If what you are reading sounds familiar, and you are about to return, stop…, this is a trick. The sociopath loves to play games. He plays games both with your mind, and your life. He has no respect for you or your life, and will take and take and continue to drain you. I recall feeling like I had a financial tap, and he kept taking and giving nothing in return. The sociopath will continue to do this to you, for as long as you allow it to happen.

If you feel like you are going crazy after a relationship with a sociopath, if you feel empty, drained and numb, this is because the sociopath has emptied you, has lived off of you. At the point where you realise the truth, and start to leave, the sociopath will then change tact, and tell you:

Everyone else in your past has done this to you
Will make threats to expose you (for anything) he doesn’t care about your welfare
Will often bombard you, not allowing you time to think and trying to wear you down
Will shift the blame onto you
You need to see that what is happening is not you. Wake up and see the truth. You are not the crazy one. Whilst you are being systematically driven crazy by the sociopath, the sociopath will switch from sociopathic meltdown – to normality and telling you how crazy you are, and trying to convince you – how much:

They love you more than anyone has ever loved you, the greatest connection you have ever felt!

Get out of the relationship, and stay out of the relationship. Read my articles on NO contact – and how to recover from dating a sociopath. You can get back control of your own life. Your life, your emotions, your mind, and your world would have been hijacked by the sociopath. You need to take back control of you, and of your own life. The relationship that you were being sold was nothing but an illusion.

 

[Mitre]

New Topic Crazy Making
http://www.angelfire.com/vt/rcwn/Pagefortyone.html

For some reason, certain people thrive on drama. If there isn’t any drama, they will create some. They do this for a number of reasons

1. Boredom
2. To test your reactions
3. To gain attention
4. Deflection from the truth
5. Drama can be two things

Stressful
Exciting

When you first meet the person , he/she can seem very exciting. Everything is new, and there is huge potential for a big and bright future. As the relationship wears on, this drama starts to shift from exciting, to stressful. You realise that the big dramatic promises for the future, are just that, ‘promises’ they are never going to come true. They are simply words. After a while you get tired of the drama, and just want a peaceful life. What is worse is that the person who brings drama into your life DELIBERATELY. You soon find that the exciting relationship that you were in, becomes draining and can ultimately make you ill. Stress is not good for your health.

Crazy Making
THE RIGHT TO FEEL is violated when we are told how we are feeling i.e. "You're angry aren't you." or how we are going to feel or react i.e. "You're not going to like what I have to say." Or if we are given the message not to feel i.e. "Don't be angry" or "Don't cry". Or we are told what we should or shouldn't be feeling. i.e. "You don't really hate him or her, you just think you do" or You shouldn't feel that way about them.'

THE RIGHT TO IMPACT is where our insanity really shows up. It triggers so many old messages i.e. "You're not important, you're needs are important." And if we played the role of the LOST CHILD it just reinforces our sense of powerlessness and invisibility. We need to have assurance that we exist, that our existence makes a difference to people and situations. We know of our existence when we have IMPACT on others. One thing that really gets to us is when others claim to misinterpret or pick apart what we said in order not to have to comply with our request.

The RIGHT TO KNOW are violated are when we are not given clear information as in under loading, overloading and fogging. In underloading they give us too little information so we are off balance and have shaky confidence about what we are learning to do or the person has left and it is only after they're gone that we realize we don't know anymore than before we asked them the question. At these times it requires the receiver of the information to assume or draw conclusions about the meaning of the incomplete information.
This is also a time when mindreading comes into play. In order to survive this walking on eggshells the receiver of the message or silent treatment must use past references to know what the sender of the message might intend. In overloading it is just the opposite problem. The sender gives us too much information and we are in a confused state and a put off balance. We feel so defeated that we do not have the courage to set any boundaries or express any needs for clearer information.

The final CRAZY MAKING technique is to violate the RIGHT TO SPACE. This right can be violated in so many ways i.e. emotional, time, mental, physical. Without this right being respected we can lose perspective very rapidly and literally feel like we are going crazy. In setting boundaries we set ourselves against the others. It seems that when I am setting boundaries for myself I am violating another's perceived rights i.e. My right to have the radio volume up is a violation to right to have the volume down. My right to deny your request interrupts your right to make a request. It is almost always very MESSY. But our surrender of SPACE is a surrender of our SANITY.

 

[Mitre]

New Topic Emotional Blackmail
WEBhttp://www.angelfire.com/vt/rcwn/Pagefifteen.html
BOOK http://www.amazon.com/Emotional-Blackmail-People-Obligation-Manipulate/dp/0060928972

COMPONENTS OF EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL
(1) Demand--someone wants something
(2) Resistance--the other does not feel comfortable with the demand
(3) Pressure --used to make the resistant one give in
(4) Threat --to turn up the pressure
(5) Compliance--on the part of the resistant one
(6) Repetition--this pattern reoccurs in at least other situations (just with a different name)

TYPES OF BLACKMAILERS
(1) The Punisher--very direct about their demands, clearly state the consequences
(2) The Self-Punisher--uses threats of self harm to manipulate the resistant one through fear, obligation and guilt
(3) The Sufferer--the martyr who believes they’ve done everything for others and suffered because of it and don’t hesitate to remind them so they will feel sorry for them
(4) The Tantalizer--uses bribery, knowing they have something the other wants

EMOTIONS FELT BY VICTIMS OF EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL
They feel insecure, unimportant, unworthy and generally bad about themselves
They doubt their ideas and needs
They feel isolated
They may have consistent physical ailments as a result of the stress
They always feel as if they in a FOG unable to think clearly as a result of being manipulated to feel Fear, Obligation and Guilt

TOOLS USED TO CREATE FOG
Making demands seem reasonable
Making the victim feel selfish
Labeling with negative qualities and connotations
Pathologizing or crazy making
Making a demand that needs an immediate response
Allying themselves with someone of authority or influence i.e. parents, children, mental health professionals, religious leaders etc.
Comparing the victim to a person that the victim does not like or is in competition with
Learning the victim's "triggers"
Assess how much pressure to apply before the victim will give in

CHARACTERISTICS OF THE VICTIM
Constantly seeks approval
Does their best to avoid anger and keep peace
Takes the blame for anything that happens to others
Has compassion and empathy
Tends to feel pity or obligation
Believes they need to give in because it is the “right thing to do”
Has self-doubt with no sense of their worth, intelligence or abilities

CHARACTERISTICS OF AN EMOTIONAL BLACKMAILER
Has great fear of abandonment and deprivation or of being hurt
Feels desperate
Needs to be in control of things
Experiences frequent frustration
Has thought distortions regarding the reasonableness of their demands
Has had someone emotionally blackmail them and sees that it works to get them what they want

WHAT IS NECESSARY TO STOP EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL
The victim must begin to look at the situation in a new way.
They must detach from their emotions.
They must realize that they are being blackmailed and that it is not appropriate for the blackmailer to be treating them in that manner.
They must make a commitment to themselves that they will take care of themselves and no longer allow this abusive treatment.
They need to see that a demand is being made on them and that it makes them uncomfortable.
They must determine why the demand feels uncomfortable.
They must not give into the pressure for an immediate decision.
They must set boundaries to be able to take time to consider the situation and to look at all of the alternatives to make the decision.
Finally, they must consider their own needs first for a change, in this process.

 

[Mitre]

New Topic The Drama Triangle and The Three Roles of Victimhood
WEBhttp://www.angriesout.com/grown20.htm

The three roles of the Drama Triangle are the three main positions that unhappy families play as described by transactional therapist, Stephen Karpman in 1968. The three roles are Perpetrator, rescuer and Victim that operate to keep people in the illusion of power. The roles incorporate learned patterns of habit and control mechanisms that bond people together in sick ways. They are symbiotic, destructive behaviors that affect all members of the family.

Karpman drew these roles on an inverted triangle with the Persecutor (whose behavior ranges from the dominant one to the abuser in the family) and the Rescuer at the upper end of the triangle and the Victim at the bottom. The two positions at the top are considered the "one-up" positions where the people feel superior while the Victim is at the "one-down" position feeing looked down on and helplessness. The positions often shift as people change emotions to protect the ego which feels threatened. The Victim may become angry at the injustice of being persecuted, thereby shifting into the Perpetrator role. The Abuser may become tired with his angry barrage then feel guilty and shift into the rescuing role.

These roles are unconscious scripts of how unhealthy family life is played out that keep people disconnected from true intimacy. They manifest in behaviors that people engage in to distance and disconnect from each other. They are the ways people attempt to stay safe, feel important and stroke their own egos. Participating in the drama of the triangle keeps people stuck in lies, blame and shame, unhealthy secrets, "shoulds" and addictions to crisis, chaos and manipulation Playing the Roles always Create Lose--Lose--Lose. No One Wins in the Drama Triangle.

All positions:
cause pain.
come from denied pain.
perpetuate lies and unhealthy secrets.
come from a sense of shame and cause shame.
come from feelings of unworthiness.
are about a loss of personal power.
perpetuate guilt and a "sick sense of love."
keep people caught in dysfunctional behavior.
are passed down to the next generation of children.

Perpetrator--"I Get To Feel Safe by Hurting Others and Putting Them Down"
Stuck in a false sense of superiority and defense mechanisms keep people in denial.
Addictive role--feeling the adrenalin rush during anger and rage. Getting high from fighting and witnessing fights. (If you get energized watching the Jerry Springer show, you might check out adrenalin addiction.)
Unconsciously uses anger as an energizer to keep depression at bay.
Needs to be in control and uses verbal or physical force to stay in power.
Deals with threat, new ideas and conflict with anger to stay safe in the role of being the dominant person.
Uses blame, criticisms, attacks and then venting to release stress.
Is highly judgmental of others and angry when others do not do what they say.
Self righteous judgments about others weaknesses subtly allows the weakness to continue.
Strong sense of entitlement--"you owe me" and willing to use verbal or physical force to get it.
Feelings of frustration trigger the right to get angry rather than deal with own uncomfortable feelings.
Unable to feel vulnerable and denies own weaknesses.
Shame based and uses negative behaviors to cover up/deny own problems.
Strong need to be right and not have their authority challenged.
Finds reasons to make others wrong and scapegoats them.
Believes others deserve the abuse and punishment the Perpetrators dishes out.
May have had a parent who modeled aggressive behavior and winning through force.
May have had a parent who spoiled the child setting up feelings of entitlement and getting his way.

Rescuer--"I Get to Feel Safe by Enabling Others"
Stuck in a false superiority with defense of acting unselfishly to help others.
Addictive role--feeling good at the expense of others rights to take care of themselves.
Good guy beliefs, such as takes the "high moral ground" of rescuing and enabling others.
Needs to be in control of others to avoid own feelings and problems.
Garnering self-esteem by being seen as unselfish for someone else's own good.
Uses rescuing and enabling to connect or to feel important.
Highly judgmental of others and angry when others do not do what he/she says.
Blames Perpetrator for problems in the family while refusing to address one's own problems.
Is anxiety driven and uses rescuing to reduce feelings of anxiety.
Guilts self when not involved with other's problems.
Has shame about loss of self to meet others needs.
Super caretaker role can create sense of giving own self away and create depression.
Strong sense of entitlement with the Victim of "You owe me because of all I've done for you."
Can become a martyr/Victim when he/she feels that he/she has been taken advantage of by others.
Parents the child though meeting his/her own needs of shame and guilt rather than meeting the needs of the child to be a responsible person who is allowed negative consequences and learns from them.
May feel guilty and try to make it up to a child because of a divorce or due to choosing a lousy spouse who abuses, scapegoats or neglects the child.
May feel guilty and try to make it up to a child because of drinking or using drugs when the child was small, neglecting the child or being a single mom.
May feel guilty and try to make it up to a child because of a handicapping condition or a perceived weakness in the child.

Victim--"I Get to Feel Safe by being Submissive"
Stuck in a false sense of being unworthy with defenses of feeling sorry for self and passive aggressive behavior.
Deals with threats by giving in, in order to feel safe and is submissive when others act inappropriately.
Unable to stand up for self and avoids confrontation.
Believes his/her needs do not count.
Can be overly sensitive, wish-washy and unable to make and stick to decisions.
Doesn't take responsibility for own feelings.
Feeds off of the beliefs of Perpetrator and rescuer that he/she cannot take care of self.
Has shame base for being irresponsible and inept.
Is anxiety driven and makes excuses for staying stuck in Victim-hood.
Blames Perpetrator for problems in the family.
Anger, resentment and retaliation through manipulation and refusal to act as a responsible adult.
Moves between "Poor me" and anger with blaming others "He/she is bad."
Angry when goes along with what the Perpetrator or Rescuer says to do.
Feels stuck and unfulfilled in life but does not risk moving forward.
May have had a lenient or overly-protective parent who set up expectations of helplessness.
May have had a parent who feels anxiety when the child has to suffer natural consequences from mistakes.

A Fourth Role--The Neglector--
"I Get to Do What I Want and Ignore the Needs of Others" While Karpman did not describe this dynamic, the Neglectful Parent can cause anger, trauma and fears of abandonment in children.

Involved in own interests and needs and does not recognize the needs of the children.
Is self involved and withdraws from family connections to meet needs outside the home.
Highly involved in career, hobbies, volunteer work, affair, drinking or drugging.
Leaves children to fend for themselves.
Can be absent-minded not there or cold and rejecting.
Expects oldest child (usually a girl) to raise the younger children.
Sometimes expects a child to take care of their needs. This creates a parentified child who has to give up their childhood to take care of others. The parentified child grows up learning codependency at an early age and is often angry at missing out on getting to be a child.

A Fifth Role--The Wise, Resilient Child--"I'm Not Like Them!"
nother dynamic not described by Karpman is the child in the family who is often wiser than the parents who knows from an early age that things are not right in the family. This child understands that there must be a better way to live than to keep wounding each other with offensive behavior. He or she starts to look outside the home See link above for more detailsThe resilient child becomes successful in life due his/her incorporation of positive work skills. Working hard and even workholism becomes a defense strategy to feel good and getting the praise that comes with being seen as an excellent worker. All may go well for many years until working hard to keep self esteem high is not enough. The person starts to feel empty and have the sense that something is missing in their life as he/she has literally withdrawn from contact in the family he has created. He/she starts to feel the imbalance that spending long hours on the job or on hobbies has created. Having only limited defenses--working hard and perhaps drinking or drugging, the person turns more to what has worked in the past--working harder. But achievement no longer is enough to fill the void inside.

 

[Mitre]

New Topic The Drama Triangle and The Three Roles of Victimhood continue

Solution
So how to you FIX this…Education is the first key. Understand and observe the roles that you play and how you shift from aggressor to Victim to rescuer. Healthy relationships can happen if you are willing to work and change yourself and learn to act in ways that form intimate connections.

First
Stop the blame and shame game. Interrupt all blame either for self or others. Watch for attitudes and behaviors of "Who did it? Who can be blamed?" Looking for someone to be called on the carpet when something goes wrong is a constant in dysfunctional families. You can go one of two ways when there is an issue:
1. You can look for someone to blame
2. OR you can start problem solving.

Healthy Skills for each Role Player to Leave the Drama Triangle

Perpetrator Role
Stop denying that you reject, punish, or persecute others.
Face the horrific reality that you have damaged others by your unrealistic expectations and anger.
Give up the need to be right and feel self righteous and superior to others.
Stop rationalizing and justifying domineering beliefs and behaviors.
Get honest with yourself--tell yourself the truth! Own the effects of your loud voice, angry stare and cold shoulder on others. Catch and interrupt yourself when you increase the volume and force to get your way.
When others disagree with you, ask yourself, "Am I really being threatened or is it just a difference of opinion?"
Learn how your use of force makes you feel powerful and find healthy ways to feel good about yourself.
Own how you are energized by getting angry. Identify the adrenalin rush that anger gives you.
Find new, healthy highs and energizing experiences to replace the adrenalin high of anger.
Attend anger management classes to learn anger containment and anger release techniques.
Attend parenting classes to learn about children's age appropriate behavior and learn appropriate discipline techniques.
Monitor anger and take a time-out by walking away before you become verbally or physically abusive.
Learn to feel vulnerable with uncomfortable feelings instead of exploding out in anger when stressed or threatened.
Learn and use the Intentional Dialogue Technique (Harville Hendrix's Imago Therapy) to feel empathy and compassion for others.
Apologize to those you have harmed and begin the repair work to set the family on a healthy course.
Get a life where you can live in peace, without anger!


Rescuer Role
Catch yourself in the act of feeling good because you helped someone. Stop basing your self-esteem on helping others.
Give up the need to feel superior because you are the good guy who always helps others.
Address your self esteem needs to control others and know what is best for them.
Address your own problems, shortcomings and negative emotions instead of focusing on other people.
Set limits about solving other people's problems and put ALL of your energy in to solving your own.
Learn the "hooks"--how others use guilt and manipulation to pull you into the Drama Triangle.
Stop rationalizing and justifying your caretaking and enabling behavior.
Stop feeling sorry for other people and giving them advice, money or support.
When others overwhelm you with their problems, tell them you are not qualified to deal with such deep issues and suggest they get professional help.
Get clean and sober with your codependency. Read at least five books on codependency and do the mind-opening exercises.
Attend Adult Children of Alcoholics and AlAnon, get a sponsor and work the steps.
Deal with your anger of being the good little girl or boy and the parentified child who did not get to have a childhood.
Read five books on the heavy emotion of shame. Do the exercises in the books to help release shame.
Interrupt guilty feelings when you refrain from unnecessary giving by reminding yourself that your old family programming is coming up.
Define your new self esteem as a person who takes care of your own feelings, thoughts, actions and problems.
Bow out of the drama and encourage the Victim to stand up to the Perpetrator whenever possible.
Take an assertiveness course.
Get a life where you are responsible only for yourself!


Victim Role
Stop expecting someone else to rescue you. Think and problem solve for yourself. Act boldly.
Take responsibility for your feelings, thoughts and actions that contribute to your Victim role.
Be authentic with others and learn to state your feelings and your needs firmly.
Learn the body sensations and reactions that signal you are about to collapse into helplessness.
Listen to your constant Victim statements and break into them.
Address the terror and release traumatic memories of being abused by Perpetrator.
Learn to handle confrontation and deal with other people's anger.
Study Learned Helplessness and Learned Optimism (Martin Seligman) and apply the ideas from his research to your life.
Challenge any belief or thoughts that say you are unworthy and can't take care of yourself.
Decide what you expect and state your minimum standard of behavior that you consider to be decent treatment from others.
Set limits with Perpetrators and rescuers and walk away if they don't respect your boundaries.
Stop blaming the Perpetrator and rescuer and focus on getting out from under their influence.
Deal with your anger at being scapegoated and punished by others and your taking on the victim role.
Start a self nurturing, self care program to bolster your ability to take care of your own needs.
Take an assertiveness training course. Read five books on assertiveness. Take the course again.
Surround yourself with new, positive friends and define yourself as an independent person who can handle life's problems.
Get a life where you are responsible for yourself!

Hello. My Name is _____ and I'm in Recovery from the Drama Triangle

Get honest. Recovery from family dysfunction is a time of facing the truth about your childhood and delving into the dark hole of lies, manipulations and devious behaviors that exist inside of you. It is about examining how you treat others and allow them to treat you. Drama Triangle work is Soul work. It is a call from your highest self to address the guilt, shame and sense of unworthiness within that percolates up and refuses to go away. You can create the space to watch and address your thoughts and behaviors as they present themselves daily.

 

[Mitre]

New Topic Victimhood
1.WEB PLease READhttp://www.insead.edu/facultyresearch/research/doc.cfm?did=50114are you a victim of the Victim Syndrome
2.WEBhttp://www.zurinstitute.com/victimhood.html

See second link for further detail ablaut this post

4. Typology of Victims

The basic assumption of the legal system is that there is one party in a dispute who is guilty and 100% responsible for the crime, and another party who is totally innocent. While in some cases the responsibility is clear, in most cases the situation is more complex.
The following is an attempt, based partly on Mendelson's (1974) original formulation, to classify victims according to their relative degree of responsibility and power to control or affect situations. These categories also judge the degree of guilt or responsibility, ranging from total innocence/no guilt, to 100% responsibility /total guilt.


4a. Non guilty- innocent victim:
This category includes victims who do not share the responsibility of the offence with the perpetrators. These are innocent victims whom we cannot expect to be able to avert the offence by anticipating it or by preventing it.

Examples:
1. Children who are sexually or physically abused, or neglected.
2. Rape or murder victims when the crime is unforeseen, unprovoked, and perpetrated by complete strangers.
3. Severely mentally ill or disabled adults who get hurt or exploited.
4. Those who suffer a crime while unconscious.
5. Victims of random or rampage shooting.
6. Victims of unexpected natural disasters: victims of earthquake in a non-earthquake zone.
7. Victims of corporate greed, such as those perpetuated by corporations who sell genetically modified foods which cause cancer, or corrupt banking practices, which scheme people of their savings or homes.


4b. Victims With Minor Guilt:
his category includes victims who with some thought, planning, awareness, information, or consciousness could have expected danger and avoided or minimized the harm to themselves. They 'could or should have known better.'

Examples:
1. Adult victims of repeated domestic violence where shelters are available (after patterns are established and it is no longer unpredictable).
2. Marital rape victims after the first few episodes (when the pattern has been established and it is no longer a surprise)
3. Women who are raped after choosing to get drunk (the minor responsibility is for electing to be completely helpless and unconscious, at the full mercy of others, in a situation that has the potential to be dangerous).
4. Adults who were victimized due to being in the wrong place and the wrong time, where with some awareness, preparation, and caution they could have prevented the assault.
5. Jews who suffered during the Holocaust (are of course not responsible for the Nazi's evils, but they could have resisted more, been less co-operative, and not gone like lambs to the slaughter. They could have read the situation better and left in time, as many of them (40%) did).


4c. Victims who share equal responsibility with the perpetrators:
This category includes victims who share equal responsibility with the offender for the harm inflicted on them. These are people who are conscious and aware of the situation and chose to be part of it. They are not caught by surprise, and common sense could have anticipated the damage that occurred.

Examples:
1. A man who contracts a sexually transmitted disease from a prostitute.
2. Victims who seek, challenge, tease, or entice the perpetrator.
3. Willing participants in a Chicken Game, gun dual, or double suicide.
4. Co-alcoholics, co-addicts after the initial phase of their relationship (after it has been clearly established that the partner is an addict).


4d. Victims who are slightly more guilty than the offender.
This category includes victims who are active participants in an interaction where they are likely to get hurt. While they seek the damaging contact, the offender can easily withdraw from the situation, unlike those in category #5, to follow. Unlike those in the previous category #3, the offender is less responsible for the damage than is the victim.

Examples:
1. Drunk people who harass sober bystanders and get hurt.
2. Cult members who chose to enter the cult as adults and then were brainwashed and harmed. (i.e., Jonestown, Waco).
3. An abusive husband who is killed by his battered wife (he is primarily responsible but, as this paper states, the abuse must be viewed also as an interaction, and some responsibility shared between the couple).
4. Citizens who collude by passivity in their country's atrocious acts and get hurt by other countries armies (i.e. politically inactive German civilians who did not fight the Nazi regime and got killed by the allies army attacks)


4e. Victims who are exclusively responsible for their victimization:
This category includes victims who initiated the contact and committed an act that is likely to lead to injury. In these cases, the one who inflicts the damage is not guilty and acts in pure self-defense or as expected from his position. This category is reserved for legally and clinically sane adults.

Examples:
1. Rapists who are killed by their complete stranger- victims in self-defense.
2. Mercenaries who are wounded or killed.
3. People who smoke and get lung cancer.
4. Suicide by those who are not mentally ill. (Mentally healthy and competent individuals can choose to commit rationally planned suicide for which they bear the full responsibility)

The above categories represent an attempt to differentiate among many situations of victimhood. They comprise a controversial, inconclusive, and incomplete grid to determine guilt or responsibility. Demographic, cultural, and personal variables, while not accounted for in the above categories, are nevertheless crucial for the assessment of guilt and responsibility. When evaluating the degree of responsibility, the following parameters must be also included: ethnicity (minorities are more disposed to victimization than those in the majority), gender (women are more disposed to victimization than men), socio-economic status (poor vs. rich), physical attributes (less attractive, weak vs. more attractive, strong), mental status (mentally ill, dysfunctional vs. healthy, functional), familial background (abused, neglected vs. loved, nurtured), cultural values (cultures that promote violence vs. those that promote harmony).

 

[Mitre]

New Topic VictimHood Continued

Psychology Of Victims

Victims' Characteristics
The victim's locus of control is likely to be external and stable. An external locus of control orientation is a belief that what happens to a person is contingent on events outside of that person's control rather than on what one does. Stable, in this context, refers to the consistency of the out-of-control feelings of the victim vs. the belief that the outcome of events is due to luck or random events (Rotter, 1971).. Low self-esteem, a sense of shame, guilt, helplessness, hopelessness, and an internal sense of badness are integral elements in the psychology of those who perceive themselves as victims.

The Victim-Victimizer Dyad
Co-alcoholics are coupled with alcoholics, abusers with abused, masochists with sadists, and victimizers with victims. In all these dyads the roles are mutually dependent and complementary. The power of these roles has been shown most clearly in the alcoholic and co-alcoholic and in intimate abusive relationships. When the alcoholic stops drinking it is not unusual for the relationship to end and for the co-alcoholic to find another 'wet' alcoholic. The conclusion is simple; the co-alcoholic need to control, to be the competent, responsible, 'morally right' partner outweigh the hardships of living with an alcoholic. Similarly in abusive relationships, if the woman has a history of abuse by father, stepfather, or former husbands and healing did not occur, she is likely to be attracted to abusive men. As long as she associates love with violence she will not be attracted to non-abusive men

The Making Of A Victim
Are victims made or born? This question is tied to the debate of nature vs. nurture and the dialectical balance between destiny and choice. The basic assumption of this paper is that there is no gene for victimhood. Two types of forces are most influential in our lives: the social/political and the familial. The social and political realities are likely to systematically victimize certain groups, such as women, minorities, and the disabled. The familial environment of early childhood is influential in preparing individuals to embrace or reject the victim role. A single event, such as robbery, war, plane crash, or rape, does not transform a person into a victim. It takes a certain consistency in the environment to raise a victim (Sykes, 1992).

People's journeys towards victimhood often start at home with abuse or abandonment. Those who were abused in their childhood internalize shame, guilt, and a low sense of self worth. They learn to associate love with abuse, intimacy with violation, and care with betrayal. They internalize the message that they are not worthy of love. In order either to make sense of their world or protect their ideal view of their parents, they believe their own badness caused the abuse and that they must deserve it.

Victims of childhood abuse may become victimizers, victims, or both. The pain and rage from the abuse and betrayal may turn inward, or can be turned onto another person. With external support or internal resiliency they can become neither (See figure 1). When the rage turns inward, a person can become either self destructive (self mutilators, suicidal, and other self defeating behaviors) or destroyed by others (victim). For these people, destruction by self or others is the last means of maintaining a feeling of being potent.

Children who were abused received repeated reinforcement in their childhood to act as a victim. Often it was the only way to get acknowledged by parental figures. Identification and imitation of the parents' roles of victim or victimizers may lead to corresponding behavior. If a boy identifies with an abusive father, we can expect him to attempt to repeat the abusive behavior. Similarly, a girl who observes her mother being abused is more likely to engage in such behavior herself (Gelles & Straus, 1988). It is not uncommon for a person to assume both roles and become an abuser as well as a victim.

 

[Mitre]

New Topic: Boundaries
http://www.jsc.edu/StudentLife/CounselingServices/documents/Developing-Healthy-Boundaries.pdf

Signs of Unhealthy Boundaries
1. Telling all.
2. Talking at an intimate level on the first meeting.
3. Falling in love with a new acquaintance.
4. Falling in love with anyone who reaches out.
5. Being overwhelmed by a person - preoccupied.
6. Acting on first sexual impulse.
7. Going against personal values or rights to please others.
8. Not noticing when someone else displays inappropriate boundaries.
9. Not noticing when someone invades your boundaries.
10. Accepting food, gifts, touch, sex that you don't want.
11. Touching a person without asking.
12. Taking as much as you can get for the sake of getting.
13. Giving as much as you can give for the sake of giving.
14. Allowing someone to take as much as they can from you.
15. Letting others direct your life
16. Letting others describe your reality.
17. Letting others define you.
18. Believing others can anticipate your needs.
19. Expecting others to fill your needs automatically.
20. Falling apart so someone will take care of you.
21. Self abuse.
22. Sexual physical abuse and Food abuse.

Signs and Symptoms of ignored boundaries
Over Enmeshment: This symptom requires everyone to follow the rule that everyone must do everything together and that everyone is to think, feel and act in the same way. No one is allowed to deviate from the family or group norms. Everyone looks homogeneous. Uniqueness, autonomy and idiosyncratic behaviors are viewed as deviations from the norm.

Disassociation: This symptom involves blanking out during a stressful emotional event. You feel your physical and/or emotional space being violated and you tell yourself something like: "It doesn't matter." "Ignore it and it will go away soon enough.'' "No sense in fighting it, just hang on and it will be over soon.'' "Don't put up a struggle or else it will be worse for you.'' This blanking out results in you being out of touch with your feelings about what happened. It also may result in your inability to remember what happened.

Excessive Detachment: This symptom occurs when neither you nor anyone else in the group or family is able to establish any fusion of emotions or affiliation of feelings. Everyone is totally independent from everyone else and there doesn't seem to be anything to hold you and them together in healthy union. You and they seem to lack a common purpose, goal, identity or rationale for existing together. There is a seeming lack of desire from you and the other members to draw together to form a union because you fear loss of personal identity.

Victimhood or Martyrdom: In this symptom, you identify yourself as a violated victim and become overly defensive to ward off further violation. Or it can be that once you accept your victimization you continue to be knowingly victimized and then let others know of your martyrdom.

Chip on the Shoulder: This symptom is reflected in your interactions with others. Because of your anger over past violation of your emotional and/or physical space and the real or perceived ignoring of your rights by others, you have a "chip on your shoulder'' that declares "I dare you to come too close!''

Invisibility: This symptom involves your pulling in or over-controlling so that others even yourself never know how you are really feeling or what you are really thinking. Your goal is not to be seen or heard so that your boundaries are not violated.

Aloofness or Shyness: This symptom is a result of your insecurity from real or perceived experiences of being ignored, roved or rejected in the past. This feels like a violation of your efforts to expand or stretch your boundaries to include others in your space. Once rejected you take the defensive posture to reject others before they reject you. This keeps you inward and unwilling or fearful of opening up your space to others.

Cold and Distant: This symptom builds walls or barriers to insure that others do not permeate or invade your emotional or physical space. This too can be a defense, due to previous hurt and pain, from being violated, hurt, ignored or rejected. This stance is your declaration that "I've drawn the line over which I dare you to cross.'' It is a way to keep others out and put them off.

Smothering: This symptom results when another is overly solicitous of your needs and interests. This cloying interest is overly intrusive into your emotional and physical space. It can be so overwhelming that you feel like you are being strangled, held too tightly and lack freedom to breathe on your own. You feel violated, used and overwhelmed.

Lack of Privacy: this symptom is present when you feel that nothing you think, feel or do is your own business. You are expected to report to others in your family or group all the detail and content of your feelings, reactions, opinions, relationships and dealings with the outside world. You begin to feel that nothing you experience can be kept in the privacy of your own domain. You begin to believe you don't have a private domain or your own space into which you can escape to be your own person.

Solutions
First: Identify the symptoms of your boundaries currently being or having been violated or ignored.
Second: Identify the irrational or unhealthy thinking and beliefs by which you allow your boundaries to be ignored or violated.
Third: Identify new, more rational, healthy thinking and beliefs which will encourage you to change your behaviors so that you build healthy boundaries between you and others.
Fourth: Identify new behaviors you need to add to your healthy boundary building behaviors repertoire in order to sustain healthy boundaries between you and others.
Fifth: Implement the healthy boundary building beliefs and behaviors in your life so that your space, privacy and rights are no longer ignored or violated.

 

[Mitre]

New Topic: Boundaries and the Narcissist (or anyone with a cluster B personality Disorder)
http://www.escapeabuse.com/npd.pdf This is an excellent free book that describe narcissism or in my opinion anyone with Cluster B personality traits.

1.Please click on the link above and read the chapter Controlling your Borders. This is one of the best articles I have read about boundaries. This pdf file does not allow me to cut and paste.

2. http://www.outofthefog.net/CommonNonBehaviors/Boundaries.html this website gives a good description of boundaries maintenance.



Let's get real. Narcissists think they have a right to punish you just for being the way you are. Think, don't you have the right to be the way you are? Do you have to be some character in the narcissist's fiction that conforms to his or her specifications? The narcissist attacks because he or she is a predator, period. Predators attack any vulnerable prey that crosses their sights, period. Therefore, the prey is NEVER the one bit to blame.

 

[Mitre]

New Topic Several ways chronic people pleasing ruins your health

http://www.naturalnews.com/041439_people_pleasing_self-sabotage_self-confidence.html

(NaturalNews) Most people don't associate people pleasing with a higher risk of physical disease, but it is true.

People pleasing can lead to increased risk for all the major diseases including heart disease, diabetes, cancer, obesity and all manner of maladies related to chronic inflammation. It also leads to depression, anxiety and a host of psychological issues.

Here's how: Chronic people pleasing equals chronic stress.
As you know, when you live in chronic stress, you put your physiology at risk.
How does people pleasing lead you into a quagmire of chronic stress?

1.When you are on autopilot as a people pleaser, interestingly, the people you are pleasing end up taking you for granted. Ultimately, they will take advantage of you by not reciprocating, leaving you with a feeling of chronic resentment.

2. Anxiety. People pleasing goes hand in hand with social anxiety. You please to get approval, which you
rarely experience no matter how much you please. Why? Because others do not possess the power to give you the deep approval you seek, ultimately.

3. Going along with the crowd. Anytime you go along with the crowd, you give yourself up to crowd mentality, which is often unhealthy. Overeating and drinking all kinds of unhealthy social behavior are the result.

4. Meets never met. As a people pleaser, you are very likely to neglect your own needs. Taking time for
yourself, relaxing, learning and growing as an individual takes a back seat to the demands of others.

5. Lack of support. We all need support from others. People pleasers, sadly, tend to get less support
because they do not ask for it or demand it, simply.

6. Loneliness. Connection is a basic human need that when neglected causes stress. People pleasers are often lonely and feel empty inside because nobody sees who they are or what they need.

7. Self-loathing. So many people pleasers hate themselves because they do not speak up or
stand up for themselves. In a state of self-loathing, it is so hard to take care of yourself and your health.

Let's call a spade a spade. Serving others is noble. Chronic people pleasing at the expense of your own needs is self-sabotage.

The real mind blower is that people pleasers often have an unconscious program that is bent toward being controlled by others. They experience the issue passively, as if they had no power to reverse it.

People pleasers put others in charge of them by virtue of their subservient actions and go-along attitude. This is called a control attachment - a pervasive tendency to seek to be controlled by others.

You can reverse your tendency toward people pleasing by learning about the deeper tendencies involved and unraveling them. When you see the issue clearly, you can begin go make other choices that balance your needs with the needs of others.

using my Typo pad

 

[*~*Afrolicious*~*]

How The Narcissist Projects His/Her Behaviour Onto You

One of the most painful parts about a relationship with a narcissist is the accusations and ‘labels’ the narcissist puts on you.

During your relationship with the narcissist you were probably accused of doing and being all sorts of things that you know at a logical level you certainly wouldn’t do.Such as:Being unfaithful, a pathological liar, untrustworthy, unscrupulous, a gold-digger, mentally unstable, attention-seeking, a horrible parent, a child-abuser, horrible, unloving, selfish (’It is all about you’), ‘You don’t treat me like an equal’, or that you are the narcissist…etc Maybe you had a narcissistic parent and you were told that you weren’t good enough, you were selfish and a bad person.Today I want to explain how when a narcissist accuses you of such atrocities he/she is actually speaking to a MIRROR.I hope by explaining how the narcissist projects his/her behaviour onto you, you can let go of the feelings of unworthiness that the narcissist may have led you to believe about yourself.

The Idealising Phase
In regard to love relationships – in many cases, when you met the narcissist, he or she could not seem happier with you. You were put on a pedestal, and were told all the reasons why you were so different from all the others. The narcissist ‘loved’ everything about you.The narcissist believed you were the person who was going to be his or her saviour. You were the person who was going to magically feed his or her False Self all the right stuff, and be the person who would keep the narcissist separated from his or her damaged inner self.The inner damaged self, which you did not know or want to believe existed. Of course you weren’t the narcissist’s saviour – no-one can be.The narcissist (like everyone) was never going to feel genuinely valued, safe, approved of and loved by anyone but him or herself.Because authentic feelings about ‘self’ have to always come from ‘self’.

The Devaluing Phase
Sooner or later the narcissist’s False Self is not appeased enough. The narcissist will perceive something you did as ‘wrong’ – which means not approving of him or her enough, or because you ‘critiqued’ ’questioned’ or ‘didn’t agree’ with him or her in some way.Then the mask (False Self) cracks, and the monstrous unhealed wounds of the narcissist appear in order to punish you for not complying with the constructed script of the narcissist’s False Self.At this point the ‘adoring’ person you believed was in love with you becomes your worst enemy and nightmare – saying or doing almost anything possible to maliciously hurt you.Understandably you will be shocked, reeling and incredibly distraught because the behaviour the narcissist employs is incredibly pathological, cruel, without remorse and can be assessed as inhumane.You will call it ‘that’ and confront the narcissist with “What on earth have you just done, and HOW on earth could you do that?”Please KNOW people who have enough RESOURCES OF SELF will leave the narcissist at this point – no matter how much it hurts to.
I want you to remember this point…it’s important, and I will come back to this.

Wow this is giving me so much life right now

 

[Mitre]

New Topic Personality Disorder Forums and books

1. http://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php
2.http://www.psychforums.com/
3. http://www.outofthefog.net/index.html
4.http://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/
5. Stalking The Soul by Marie France Hirigoyen ......... Excellent book written in simple English that describe perfectly emotional abuse and it's development.







using my Typo pad

 

[Mitre]

New Topic Domestic Abuse Assistance

Safety List
1.http://www.thehotline.org/get-help/safety-planning/


Tips on how to protect yourself
http://www.lovefraud.com/are-you-a-target/leaving-a-sociopath/protect-yourself/

Realizing you are involved with a sociopath may make you feel numb, even nauseous. For the moment, don’t dwell in those emotions. And don’t confront him or tell him that you know what he is. Instead, you must act quickly and decisively to protect yourself. This is also true if the sociopath is a woman. Here are some tips to consider, but you should seek professional advice to protect yourself. Every situation is different; only you know exactly what you are facing.

Physical safety

If you are living with the sociopath and he or she is violent, leave as quickly as possible. If you do not live together, you may want to:
Change your locks.
Install a security system.
Change your phone numbers, including your cell phone.
Screen all calls.
If you are stalked, tell the police, your family and friends.


Financial security

Many sociopaths find victims who will support them financially. If you’re in this situation and the sociopath realizes that you’re on to the game, he or she may decide it’s time to take the money and run. Don’t let this person get whatever money you still have.
Change passwords to accounts.
Close your personal bank accounts—consider the possibility that he or she may have already stolen blank checks from you.
Close credit accounts that lists him or her as an authorized user.
Put blocks on any other financial accounts.
If the sociopath has convinced you to invest in projects, do what you can to get your money out (if there is any left).
If he or she has stolen from you or forged your signature on documents, file reports with the police.

Legal battles

Sociopaths are skilled at using the judicial system to torment their victims. If you are going to court with a sociopath, you must anticipate that he or she will lie. Unless you can prove otherwise, he or she will put on a convincing act and get away with it.
Document everything—preferably not on a computer that can be hacked. Write down exactly what happens and when. Save every relevant piece of paper.
If he or she injures you or your children, get the injuries documented by a doctor. Take photographs.
Buy a hand-held tape recorder and use it to record verbal statements and threats.
Attorneys—make sure your lawyer understands how sociopaths operate and is up to the challenge. Also, be aware that the sociopath may keep dragging you into court on frivolous matters—it’s another way to bleed you. The time may come when you have to weigh the costs and benefits.
Proceed under the assumption that the sociopath will disregard any agreement or judgment.
If you file criminal charges against him or her, you should be prepared to follow through. If you drop the charges, it will be like giving the predator permission to violate you again.

Knowledge is power





using my Typo pad

 

[Mitre]

New Topic Passive, Aggressive VS Assertive Managing Our Behaviors
http://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=196617.0




Passive, Aggressive VS Assertive... Managing Our Behaviors
« on: March 10, 2013, 12:37:29 PM »
Passive, Aggressive VS Assertive Managing Our Behaviors

Mathew McKay, Ph.D, Jefferey Wood, Psy.D and Jefferey Brantley, MD, authors of The Dialectical Behavior Therapy SkillsWorkbook, talk about "old habits" in behaviors and the benefits of learning assertiveness.

Old Habits- of the Aggresive Kind
In your family of origin, you observed how people solved interpersonal problems, and you began to model your behavior on what you saw. If members of your family dealt with conflict using anger, blame, or withdraw, these are the strategies you may have learned to use as well. Techniques for influencing others that utilize fear, shame, or hurtful psychological pressure are called aversive strategies.

There are eight of them:
1. Discounting: The message to the other person is that his or her needs or feelings are invalid and don't have legitimacy or importance. Here's an example: "You've been watching TV all day; why do you expect me to come home and do the bills?"

2. Withdrawing/abandoning: The message is "do what I want or I'm leaving." The fear of abandonment can be so powerful that many people will give up a great deal to avoid it.

3. Threatening: The message here is "do what I want or I'll hurt you." The most typical threats are to get angry or sehow make the other person's life miserable. Here's an example: "Hey, ok, I won't ask you to help me again. Maybe I'll ask somebody else."

4.Blaming: The problem, whatever it is, becomes the other person's fault. Since they caused it, they have to fix it. Here's an example: "The reason we are running up our credit card every month is that you never saw a store you didn't like."

5. Belittling/denigrating: The strategy here is to make the other person feel foolish and wrong to have a particular need, opinion or feeling. Here's an example: "Why do you want to go to the lake all the time? All you ever do is get allergy attacks up there."

6. Guilt-tripping: This strategy conveys the message that the other person is a moral failure, that their needs are wrong and must be given up. Here's an example: "If you don't trust me, that tells me something is very wrong with our relationship."

7. Derailing: This strategy switches attention away from the other person's feelings and needs. The idea is to stop talking about them and then instead talk about yourself. Here's an example: " I don't care what you want to do, right now I feel hurt."

8. Taking away: Here the strategy is to withdraw some form of support, pleasure, or reinforcement from the other person as punishment for something th said, did, or wanted. Here's an example: "I'm not really in the mood for hiking; it's boring." this, after his partner was unwilling to invest in a new camera (adapted from McKay, Fanning, & Paleg, 1994).

As you review this list, are there strategies you recognize from your own behavior? Think back to times you've used aversive tactics-what was the impact of your relationship? Is this something you want to change? The best way to stop aversive behavior is to observe it closely.

Old Habits-of the Passive Kind
Some old habits are of the passive kind rather than aggressive variety. You may have learned in your family how to shut down or surrender when there is a conflict. Interpersonal skills won't do you much good if you don't know what you want in a situation. If you can't clearly articulate your needs, all you're left with is frustration.

Assertiveness
Assertiveness is a critical skill to maintaining healthy relationships. Without it you will b forced into passive or aggressive patterns that destroy the fabric of trust and intimacy.

There are three basic components to an assertiveness statement:
"I think."- This part focuses on the facts and your understanding of what's going on. It should not include judgments or assumptions about the other person's motives. It should not attack in any way. "I think" is a clear description of events ad experiences that you need to talk about-and perhaps change.

"I feel." - This is an optional component that you'd likely use with a friend or family member but not with your garage mechanic. The purpose is to give a brief, non-pejorative description of any emotion triggered by the situation. Communication specialists call this component of assertiveness the "I" statement. That's because it's about you and your particular feelings. Appropriately, any sentence about your emotions should start with "I."

"I want." - This component is the whole point of assertiveness, and you need to think it through carefully. Here are some guidelines to follow:

-Ask for behavioral, not attitudinal, change. You can't reasonably expect someone to change what they believe or feel just because you don't like it.Beliefs and feelings aren't usually in voluntary control. However, you can ask someone to change how they act and what they do.
-Ask for one thing at a time. Don't give a laundry list. That overwhelms people and makes them feel pressured.
-Ask for something that can be changed now. "The next time we go on vacation, I want you to.." is a poor "I want" statement because it'll be long forgotten when the next vacation finally arrives.
-Be specific and concrete. Vague requests like "Be nicer" don't get you anywhere because nobody has a very clear picture of what they mean. Describe what new behavior you expect, and say when and where you want it to occur. Asking someone for twenty minutes of help doing research on the internet is more effective than requesting "technological assistance."

How do we do this?
By paying attention to our reactions honestly. Being mindful of situations we are involved in that cause stress and looking for opportunities to be assertive instead of using old habits that essentially add to our suffering.

 

[Shawn]

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm

(why any of these aren't stickies, I'll never know...not like we haven't asked a myriad of times)

Spousal abuse and battery are used for one purpose: to gain and maintain total control over the victim. In addition to physical violence, abusers use the following tactics to exert power over their wives or partners:

• Dominance — Abusive individuals need to feel in charge of the relationship. They will make decisions for you and the family, tell you what to do, and expect you to obey without question. Your abuser may treat you like a servant, child, or even as his possession.
• Humiliation — An abuser will do everything he can to make you feel bad about yourself, or defective in some way. After all, if you believe you're worthless and that no one else will want you, you're less likely to leave. Insults, name-calling, shaming, and public put-downs are all weapons of abuse designed to erode your self-esteem and make you feel powerless.
• Isolation — In order to increase your dependence on him, an abusive partner will cut you off from the outside world. He may keep you from seeing family or friends, or even prevent you from going to work or school. You may have to ask permission to do anything, go anywhere, or see anyone. Source: Domestic Abuse Intervention Project, MN
• Threats — Abusers commonly use threats to keep their victims from leaving or to scare them into dropping charges. Your abuser may threaten to hurt or kill you, your children, other family members, or even pets. He may also threaten to commit suicide, file false charges against you, or report you to child services.
• Intimidation — Your abuser may use a variety of intimation tactics designed to scare you into submission. Such tactics include making threatening looks or gestures, smashing things in front of you, destroying property, hurting your pets, or putting weapons on display. The clear message is that if you don't obey, there will be violent consequences.
• Denial and blame — Abusers are very good at making excuses for the inexcusable. They will blame their abusive and violent behavior on a bad childhood, a bad day, and even on the victims of their abuse. Your abuser may minimize the abuse or deny that it occurred. He will commonly shift the responsibility onto you: Somehow, his violence and abuse is your fault.

If you feel you are in physical danger immediately call 911 or the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-787-3224.

So I'm really trying to make sure things will work before I agree to marry him. How many things on the list are required before your man is considered abusive--even if he doesn't hit you anymore?

 

[january noir]

So I'm really trying to make sure things will work before I agree to marry him. How many things on the list are required before your man is considered abusive--even if he doesn't hit you anymore?

Shawn
One is enough.

 

[january noir]

So I'm really trying to make sure things will work before I agree to marry him. How many things on the list are required before your man is considered abusive--even if he doesn't hit you anymore?

Shawn
Girl don't do it. He used to hit you? AND you're asking how many items on the list? DON'T. I beg you.

 

[january noir]

'Cause once you get married, he'll believe he owns you and all the niceness you may have experienced lately will go out the window.

 

[Smiley79]

Great thread. I'm gonna read and take note of this info.

 

[1BalancedBeauty]

I come back to this thread for a re-read / refresher every few months.

It's a must-read for everyone. If it doesn't apply to you, it may apply to someone you know.

 

[Shawn]

Shawn
Girl don't do it. He used to hit you? AND you're asking how many items on the list? DON'T. I beg you.

January-- You are so right. I can't do this; he really hasn't changed. I'm about to have to "go missing" again to be free/safe.

 

[Mitre]

New Topic: Has Your Pregnenolone Been Stolen?
http://www.shapingconcepts.com/blog/has-your-pregnenolone-been-stolen/ click on the link to read the full article

Pregenenolone steal may occur when you are in an Abusive situation and under stress. You don’t see it on the outside and it will manifest itself into very real effects on the body.It is a phenomenon where the 'superhormone' pregnenolone is used as the raw material to make the stress hormone cortisol instead of YOUR other hormones- such as thyroid hormones and sex hormones. Pregnenolone is the hormone that is required for your body to make all other hormones in your body:
Estrogen
Progesterone
Testosterone
Thyroid Hormone

The pregnenolone steal is a name given to the hormone production deficit of certain hormones when the stress hormones, cortisol and cortisone, are over-produced.

The majority of our hormones start with cholesterol as the raw material, which converts into pregnenolone as the first step. It then goes on to produce many hormones, including the estrogens, testosterone, progesterone, aldosterone, and the stress hormones.

If the body demands more cortisol because of stress, the body will convert more of the pregnenolone to cortisol at the expense of the other hormones (except progesterone, which is on the pathway to cortisol). The lowering of the testosterone and estrogen levels is called pregnenolone steal. Living with and being around abusive people literally STEAL TIME away from YOUR life be it seconds, minutes, days and years. High cortisol in the body leads to the formation of stretch marks, stomach fat and physical aging

But when you are under stress, the high cortisol levels produced in the adrenal glands get first shot at the 'raw material' of pregnenolone to get you through the stressful period. Stress is supposed to last a short time, but many of you perceive CONSTANT stress and this puts you into a continual state of Pregnenolone Steal.

Over time, this constant lowered production of cortisol leaves you with depleted thyroid hormones and depleted sex hormones- and that leaves you tired, with a low libido and possibly even diagnosed with Symptoms of Fibromyalgia or Chronic Fatigue Syndrome- classic presentations of Adrenal Fatigue with pregnenolone steal. If that describes YOU, then it's likely that you have at least some degree of Adrenal Gland Fatigueor adrenal exhaustion. Not a fun situation to be in.

The stress doesn’t necessarily have to be psychological in nature either. In fact, physiological stress is more likely the culprit though you may not even know it. A lot of people will downplay the amount of mental and emotional stress they’re under although it’s more commonly recognizable.

However, stress on the inside (physiological stress) due to digestive system imbalances, insulin imbalances, a poor diet, lack of sleep, and all types of inflammation are typically completely hidden to the human eye.

Sure you may not feel all that great, have low energy, suffer from a lack of libido, and know something is “off,” but you’ll probably be in the dark with what’s happening. People are quick to pick up on the fact that their diets are poor, they’re not exercising enough, sleeping enough, etc. But what they don’t know is what it’s doing on the inside.

They say a picture is worth a thousand words, so take a look at the picture below.

 

[Mitre]

New Topic: Narcissistic Supply

Each personality disorder has its own form of Narcissistic Supply:

HPD (Histrionic PD) – Sex, seduction, "conquests", flirtation, romance, body-building, demanding physical regime;
NPD (Narcissistic PD) – Adulation, admiration, attention, being feared;
BPD (Borderline PD) – The presence of their mate or partner (they are terrified of abandonment);
AsPD (Antisocial PD) – Money, power, control, fun.

 

[Mitre]

New Topic: 4 Types of bullies
Link: http://www.heart-2-heart.ca/save-yourself/4-primary-types-bullies.php

The objectives of serial bullies are Power, Control, Domination and Subjugation. These are achieved by a number of means including disempowerment, the stimulation of excessive levels of fear, shame, embarrassment and guilt, manipulation (especially of emotions and perceptions), ritual humiliation and constant denial.

Bullying is persistent unwelcome behaviour, mostly using unwarranted or invalid criticism, nit-picking, fault-finding, also exclusion, isolation, being singled out and treated differently, being shouted at, humiliated, excessive monitoring, having verbal and written warnings imposed, and much more. In the workplace, bullying usually focuses on distorted or fabricated allegations of underperformance.

Bullies have low self-confidence and low self-esteem, and thus feel insecure. They are seething with resentment, bitterness, hatred and anger, and often have wide-ranging prejudices as a vehicle for dumping their anger onto others. Bullies are driven by jealousy and envy. Rejection (which cannot be assuaged) is another powerful motivator of bullying.
Bullies are people who have not learned the lesson of consequences, ie that if they behave well there are good consequences (reward), but if they behave badly there are bad consequences (restriction, sanction, punishment, etc). Since childhood, bullies have learnt that they can avoid the unpleasant consequences of bad behaviour through the instinctive response of denial, blame, and feigning victimhood.

The Attention-Seeker
Motivation: to be the centre of attention

Mindset: control freak, manipulation, narcissism

Malice: medium to high; when held accountable, very high

emotionally immature
selectively friendly - is sickly sweet to some people, rude and offhand to others, and ignores the rest
is cold and aggressive towards anyone who sees them for what they really are or exposes their strategies for gaining attention
overfriendly with their new target, especially in the initial stages of a new working relationship
overhelpful, ditto
overgenerous, ditto
manipulative of people's perceptions, but in an amateur and childish manner
manipulative with guilt, ditto
sycophantic, fawning, toadying
uses flattery to keep a person in authority on side
everything is a drama, usually a poor-me drama
prefers not to solve problems in own life so that they can be used and re-used for gaining sympathy and attention
capitalises on issues and uses them as a soapbox for gaining attention
exploits others' suffering and grief as a vehicle for gaining attention
misappropriates others' statements, eg anything which can be misconstrued as politically incorrect, for control and attention-seeking
excusitis, makes excuses for everything
shows a lot of indignation, especially when challenged
lots of self-pity
often as miserable as sin, apart from carefully constructed moments of charm when in the act of deceiving
demanding of others
easily provoked
feigns victimhood when held accountable, usually by bursting into tears or claiming they're the one being bullied and harassed
presents as a false victim when outwitted
may feign exclusion, isolation or persecution
malicious
constantly tries and will do almost anything to be in the spotlight
includes Munchausen Syndrome
the focus of their life is to be the centre of attention

The Wannabe
Motivation: craves respect for being competent and professional despite lacking in competence and professionalism

Mindset: deceptive

Malice: low to medium; when held accountable, medium to high

similar to the attention-seeker
is one of life's chronic underperformers and is best described as ineffectual in everything
craves undeserved respect and attention and will go to considerable lengths to acquire them
hangs around the fringes of a profession
not professionally qualified but claims they are a professional because they sit next to a professional or work alongside or near or in the midst of professionals, or provide services to professionals
lacks the ability, competence and professionalism to be a qualified professional
wants so much to be seen as competent professional person but is unable and unwilling to put in the work to achieve this
is unable and unwilling to apply knowledge gained from experience but instead devotes time and effort to improving skills of deception, manipulation, false claim, denial and projection
may have been rejected by their chosen profession for lack of competence
is spiteful towards and despises anyone who is qualified in the profession from which the bully has been excluded by virtue of lack of competence
is likely to be vilifying the profession they want to belong to or which they're claiming to be part of or which they are claiming to represent
displays a deep-seated envy and jealousy of the professionals that he or she works alongside or claims to serve
harbours a bitter resentment, grudge, distaste and contempt for the professionals that he or she works alongside or claims to serve
is likely to be criticising, condemning, disadvantaging and causing detriment to the professionals he or she works alongside or claims to serve
may seek positions of power over the professionals he or she works alongside or claims to serve, perhaps to facilitate a compulsion to criticise, condemn, disadvantage and cause detriment
is irresistibly drawn to organisations, roles and positions which offer the wannabe power and control over the professionals s/he despises (eg inspection regimes, approval roles, regulatory bodies, ticksheet compliance schemes, political correctness police, trade union official, etc) - and is often described as a talentless jobsworth
when in a position of power associates with and makes alliances with or surrounds him or herself with clones, drones, minions, fellow wannabes, sycophants and brown-nosers
instinctively objects to any suggestion of change, reform, improvement, progress or evolution, but has no viable or positive alternatives of their own
opposes every idea, suggestion, opinion, contribution or reform on principle but has no original, positive, constructive ideas or contributions of his or her own
is likely to plagiarise and steal others' ideas which are then put forward as their own
may place undue emphasis or reliance on an old, minor or irrelevant qualification to bolster their claim of belonging to or deserving to belong to a profession
may claim ambiguous or misleading or bogus or fraudulent qualifications, associations and experience
displays a superior sense of entitlement because they associate with or serve higher performers
emotionally immature
controlling
easily provoked
when challenged is adept at rewriting history to portray themselves as competent, professional and successful, regardless of multiple witnesses and overwhelming evidence to the contrary
quickly and loudly feigns victimhood when exposed and held accountable, often repeatedly and loudly accusing the person holding them accountable of being a bully
when held accountable makes conflicting and contradictory threats and demands (eg demands apology but orders the other person not to communicate with them)
when held accountable makes lots of loud but empty threats (eg of legal action such as libel, slander, defamation etc)
only carries out threats of legal action when in the presence of a superior serial bully, especially a sociopath type
may indulge their jealousy and envy of professionals or those they claim to serve by pursuing vindictive vendettas, sometimes with the help of a superior serial bully, especially a sociopath type
is easily manipulated and controlled by a superior serial bully
female wannabes may be arch bullies (some people might call them puppetmasters or queen bees)
may surround herself with drones of the opposite sex
may exploit some perceived vulnerability in self to ensure drone loyalty
gives the appearance of loyalty to drones but will discard them when they've served their purpose
is likely to have affairs to gain power, status or position