Warning Signs of an Abusive Relationship

Yep! Thats him. I knew that guy was abusive. He exibited ALL of the symptons.

But OH WATCH OUT LADIES! Some start out being SUPER DUPER nice! A dream guy. :rolleyes:

Dominance. Made decisions FOR me. AHEAD of time lol. Treated me like his child.

Bad communication. Wouldn't open up. Could never resolve issues, didnt want to address them. Little to no stress mgmt skills. Stress and wound up ALL the time.

Ex-treme-ly controlling. And HOT when he was out smarted or cross. I mean in the smallest ways in which you may think are everyday things, but he viewed them as crossing the line or a threat to him. Dang I'm glad I never had to live with that creep :rolleyes:. Couldnt say 'boo' without him being threatened. And getting mad.

Scared to say things or HOW I said things. Stumbled on words trying to thing of HOW to say things to not get him angry. What a douche bag and a p-ssy.

Kicked that a-- to the curb and kept it moving, didn't look back:)
 
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Another warning sign I would like to share is to notice how he talks about his exes. My husband had me believing that this woman was evil and wicked and exaggerated everything and loved to play the victim.

I just left my abusive husband and had him arrested. Sadly, this was the 3rd time I had to call the police on him. It took me way too long to leave. I was only with him for a year and a half, but every day was a day too long.

I was so afraid to do this for so long. I was waiting until everything was prepared and I had enough money to get my own place and all of that. But suddenly I knew I had to do it RIGHT NOW and left with only the clothes on my back. I am so grateful that I am out and can have my life back!

Please take advantage of any services available to you: hotlines, centers, shelters, counseling, etc. They are WONDERFUL especially in NYC. Even if you have to call the hotline 5 times and get nervous and hang up, they keep a file and understand your situation.
 
^^ Glad you made it out safely girl! :) Now, the next big step is staying out. Surround yourself with support right now because you will need it. He will do ANYTHING under the sun to get you back & I mean anything, but I promise you - he hasn't changed, don't let him fool you.
 
Safe Horizon in NYC has loads of services and resources for abused and/or battered displaced women to get out and restart their lives.
 
Definitely KUDOS for getting out of the relationship. It's very hard. What many don't realise is that it takes an average of 7 times before a woman actually leaves an abusive relationship. It took me 4 (on the 4th one I officially left -- clothes on my back).

It's super important to get linked with people who "handle" cases like this for a living. The church, DV survivor sheltars, groups, SOMETHING that will keep you safe and encourage you to stay isolated from your abuser. Often times, if there are friends in common, a very sinister personality will use the common friends to lure the woman back out so that there can be a confrontation.

Last, in most cases, the woman has her name tied to the property. Ladies, if you are in states like TN, encourage your legislation to change to be like states like NY. They have "leave laws" which void contractual obligations to property fees (rent, contracts, etc) as long as the abuse is reported to a DV sheltar/agency or the police. Currently states like TN do not have leave laws; which means that the woman is violated twice. Countless cases have been recorded that show that a woman, not having money to rent out a new apartment/home/place, returns to the neighborhood of the old place, only to victimized or killed by the abuser.

This is NOT a game...
 
you are not doing yourself a service in the long run. Every second you don't end the relationship just makes it harder to get out :nono:
 
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Why haven't I noticed this thread before! My coworker is going through this right now! :( I'm printing out this thread and giving it to her ASAP.

So glad LHCF is more that just hair!
 
"Physical assault is only one of the many ways a person can batter another, other prevalent forms that are not visible to the naked eye tend to leave longer lasting effects and deeper scars than a bruised eye or a broken lip.

Particular actions characterize rhese types of violence:

-Physical Abuse: Physical violence is partner abuse when it is intended to enhance the power and control of the abuser over the partner. Physical abuse can be defined as the threat of harm or any forceful physical behavior that intentionally or accidentally causes bodily harm or property destruction.

-Emotional/Psychological Abuse: Emotional abuse is any use of words, voice, action or lack of action meant to control, hurt or demean another person. Emotional abuse, however, is repeated hurtful exchanges with disregard for the partner’s feelings aimed at gaining power and/or exerting control over the partner.

-Sexual Abuse: Sexual abuse is any forced or coerced sexual act or behavior motivated to acquire power and control over the partner. It is not only forced sexual contact but also contact that demeans or humiliates the partner and instigates feelings of shame or vulnerability – particularly in regards to the body, sexual performance or sexuality.

-Financial Abuse: Financial abuse is the use or misuse, without the partner’s freely given consent, of the financial or other monetary resources of the partner or of the partnership.

-Identity Abuse: Identity abuse is using personal characteristics to demean, manipulate and control the partner. Some of these tactics overlap with other forms of abuse, particularly emotional abuse. This category is composed of the social “isms”, including racism, sexism, ageism, able-ism, beauty-ism, as well as homophobia."
 
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Resources
http://www.youtube.com/user/narcissismvideos

Malignant Self-Love: Narcissism Revisited http://www.amazon.com/Malignant-Self-Love-Narcissism-Sam-Vaknin/dp/8023833847
This book was written by a narcissist/psychopath, and sheds a lot of light on how an abuser thinks. To me this book is a prerequisite for Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft

Facing codependence by Pia Mellody this book will help you understand what is codependence where it come from and how it sabotages our lives, and why we put up with other people dysfunctional behavior.

Narcissism denial of the true self by Alexander Lowen, M.D. Explain how this disorder is form. Basically it form by a denial of feelings (the true self feel)which occurs during childhood. It is a good foundation book to understanding narcissism.

Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft

Malignant Self-Love: Narcissism Revisited http://www.amazon.com/Malignant-Self.../dp/8023833847
FIVE DON'T DO'S – How to Avoid the Wrath of the Abuser
1.Never disagree with the abuser or contradict him.
2.Never offer him any intimacy.
3.Look awed by whatever attribute matters to him (for instance: by his professional achievements or by his good looks, or by his success with women and so on.
4.Never remind him of life out there and if you do, connect it somehow to his sense of grandiosity.
5. Do not make any comment, which might directly or indirectly impinge on his self-image, omnipotence, judgement, omniscience, skills, capabilities, professional record, or even omnipresence. Bad sentences start with: "I think you overlooked ... made a mistake here ... you don't know ... do you know ... you were not here yesterday so ... you cannot ... you should ... (interpreted as rude imposition, abusers react very badly to perceived restrictions placed on their freedom) ... I (never mention the fact that you are a separate, independent entity, abusers regard others as extensions of their selves)..."

The TEN DO'S – How to Make Your Abuser Dependent on You If You INSIST on Staying with Him
1.Listen attentively to everything the abuser says and agree with it all. Don't believe a word of it but let it slide as if everything is just fine, business as usual.
2.Personally offer something absolutely unique to the abuser which he cannot obtain anywhere else. Also be prepared to line up future Sources of Primary Narcissistic Supply for your abuser because you will not be IT for very long, if at all. If you take over the procuring function for the abuser, he becomes that much more dependent on you which makes it a bit tougher for him to pull his haughty stuff – an inevitability, in any case.
3.Be endlessly patient and go way out of your way to be accommodating, thus keeping the Narcissistic Supply flowing liberally, and keeping the peace (relatively speaking).
4.Be endlessly giving. This one may not be attractive to you, but it is a take it or leave it proposition.
5.Be absolutely emotionally and financially independent of the abuser. Take what you need: the excitement and engulfment and refuse to get upset or hurt when the abuser does or says something dumb, rude, or insensitive. Yelling back works really well but should be reserved for special occasions when you fear your abuser may be on the verge of leaving you; the silent treatment is better as an ordinary response, but it must be carried out without any emotional content, more with the air of boredom and "I'll talk to you later, when I am good and ready, and when you are behaving in a more reasonable fashion".
6. If your abuser is cerebral narcissist and NOT interested in having much sex – then give yourself ample permission to have "hidden" sex with other people. Your cerebral narcissist will not be indifferent to infidelity so discretion and secrecy is of paramount importance.
7.If your abuser is somatic narcissist and you don't mind, join in on endlessly interesting group sex encounters but make sure that you choose properly for your abuser. Somatic narcissists are heedless and very undiscriminating in respect of sexual partners and that can get very problematic (STDs and blackmail come to mind).
8.If you are a "fixer", then focus on fixing situations, preferably before they become "situations". Don't for one moment delude yourself that you can FIX the abuser – it simply will not happen. Not because he is being stubborn – he just simply can't be fixed.
9.If there is any fixing that can be done, it is to help your abuser become aware of his condition, and this is VERY IMPORTANT, with no negative implications or accusations in the process at all. It is like living with a physically handicapped person and being able to discuss, calmly, unemotionally, what the limitations and benefits of the handicap are and how the two of you can work with these factors, rather than trying to change them.
10.FINALLY, and most important of all: KNOW YOURSELF
-What are you getting from the relationship?
-Are you actually a masochist?
-Are you A co-dependent perhaps?
-Why is this relationship attractive and interesting?
-Define for yourself what good and beneficial things you believe you are receiving in this relationship.
-Define the things that you find harmful TO YOU.

Develop strategies to minimize the harm to yourself. Don't expect that you will cognitively be able to reason with the abuser to change who he is. You may have some limited success in getting your abuser to tone down on the really harmful behaviours THAT AFFECT YOU which emanate from the unchangeable WHAT the abuser is. This can only be accomplished in a very trusting, frank and open relationship.

Insist on Your Boundaries – Resist Abuse
1.Refuse to accept abusive behaviour. Demand reasonably predictable and rational actions and reactions. Insist on respect for your boundaries, predilections, preferences, and priorities.
2.Demand a just and proportional treatment. Reject or ignore unjust and capricious behavior.
3.If you are up to the inevitable confrontation, react in kind. Let him taste some of his own medicine.
4.Never show your abuser that you are afraid of him. Do not negotiate with bullies. They are insatiable. Do not succumb to blackmail.
5. if things get rough – disengage, involve law enforcement officers, friends and colleagues, or threaten him (legally).
•Do not keep your abuse a secret. Secrecy is the abuser's weapon.
6.Never give him a second chance. React with your full arsenal to the first transgression.
7• Be guarded. Don't be too forthcoming in a first or casual meeting. Gather intelligence.
8.Be yourself. Don't misrepresent your wishes, boundaries, preferences, priorities, and red lines.
•9.Do not behave inconsistently. Do not go back on your word. Be firm and resolute.
10. Stay away from such quagmires. Scrutinize every offer and suggestion, no matter how innocuous.
11. Prepare backup plans Keep others informed of your whereabouts and appraised of your situation.
12. Be vigilant and doubting. Do not be gullible and suggestible. Better safe than sorry.
13. Often the abuser's proxies are unaware of their role. Expose him. Inform them. Demonstrate to them how they are being abused, misused, and plain used by the abuser.
14.Trap your abuser. Treat him as he treats you. Involve others. Bring it into the open. Nothing like sunshine to disinfest abuse.
15.Mirror His Behavior mirror the abuser's actions and repeat his words. If, for instance, he is having a rage attack – rage back. If he threatens – threaten back and credibly try to use the same language and content. If he leaves the house – leave it as well, disappear on him. If he is suspicious – act suspicious. Be critical, denigrating, humiliating, go down to his level.
16.Frighten Him Identify the vulnerabilities and susceptibilities of the abuser and strike repeated, escalating blows at them.
17. If an abuser has a secret or something he wishes to conceal – use your knowledge of it to threaten him. Drop cryptic hints that there are mysterious witnesses to the events and recently revealed evidence. Do it cleverly, noncommittally, gradually, in an escalating manner. Let his imagination do the rest. You don't have to do much except utter a vague reference, make an ominous allusion, delineate a possible turn of events. Needless to add that all these activities have to be pursued legally, preferably through the good services of law offices and in broad daylight. If done in the wrong way – they might constitute extortion or blackmail, harassment and a host of other criminal offense.
18.Lure Him Offer him continued Narcissistic Supply. You can make an abuser do ANYTHING by offering, withholding, or threatening to withhold Narcissistic Supply (adulation, admiration, attention, sex, awe, subservience, etc.).
19.Play on His Fear of Abandonment If nothing else works, explicitly threaten to abandon him. You can condition the threat ("If you don't do something or if you
do it – I will desert you"). The abuser perceives the following as threats of abandonment, even if they are not meant as such:
• Confrontation, fundamental disagreement, and protracted criticism.
• When completely ignored.
•When you insist on respect for your boundaries, needs, emotions, choices, preferences
• When you retaliate (for instance, shout back at him).
 
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New Topic Are you a mental pain addict ? Do you attract losers ? Are you always suffering?

Then answer to your mental pain can/may be explain with Brain Plasiticity.
Our Emotional Addictions
Our brains are a fascinating mechanism. Within our brains are neurons. Science now proves we create the structure of our neurons via our thoughts. We are all literally wiring our own brains depending upon our belief systems and perceptions of life.

If we think negative thoughts our neurons relating to pain and misery will conjoin with each other and wire themselves into a pattern of negative thinking. Any experience we have which we’ve attached a negative belief system to, sends an electrical message to our hypothalamus (the chemical manufacturing centre of our brain). The hypothalamus recognises this message as a victim thought (which equates to any ‘less than’ thought we have about ourselves and life.) The hypothalamus then manufactures the corresponding chemicals known as peptides that are then released throughout our body. Let’s call these particular chemicals victim peptides.

When the victim peptides reach our body, we experience painful feelings. As our cells receive the chemical it hurts. We literally feel pain. The more the cells of our body receive victim peptides the more they get addicted to them. Every cell in our body is addictive - we’re simply made that way. Our cells are unconditional. They have no preference on what they get addicted to - good or bad it makes no difference.

Our cells literally ‘call out’ for more of the peptide that they’re hooked on. This is why we may all of a sudden feel down without realising why. Then we start thinking about why we feel this way. By thinking painful thoughts our ‘negative’ neurons fire off the ‘less than’ message, the hypothalamus manufactures more victim peptides and the cells in our bodies get their fix of the chemical. And on and on the vicious circle continues. However, the cycle doesn’t stop there. Every time a cell divides it has more and more receptors (docking points) formed for a particular peptide. If you’ve been a victim for any amount of time, every time your cells reproduce they’re more geared to receive more of the victim peptide. Before you know it you’re spiralling down into depression and you feel terrible - mentally, emotionally and physically.

This, obviously, is only the physiological component of negativity. The understanding of the Law of Attraction allows us to realise when we emit negative signals (thoughts) into the Universe we draw more negative experiences, which (of course) means we have all the justifications to keep thinking more and more negative thoughts.

It’s easy to ascertain from this medically proven fact how we can get hooked on grief, anger, despair or any other range of thoughts and feelings that simply don’t serve us and only keep us trapped in bondage. This bondage has nothing to do with our outside world; it starts within our brains.

http://http://www.melanietoniaevans....rogramming.htm

http://http://m.youtube.com/watch?fe...&v=tg7DtfY8BCk
 
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New Topic Forms of Manipulation

Who's Pulling Your Strings?: http://www.amazon.com/Whos-Pulling-Your-Strings-ebook/dp/B000OVLIVK/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1370021965&sr=1-1&keywords=0071446729
Malignant Self-Love: Narcissism Revisited http://www.amazon.com/Malignant-Self.../dp/8023833847 The Mind of the Abuser

To embark on our exploration of the abusive mind, we first need to agree on a taxonomy of abusive behaviours. Methodically observing abuse is the surest way of getting to know the perpetrators.
Abusers appear to be suffering from dissociation (multiple personality). At home, they are intimidating and suffocating monsters – outdoors, they are wonderful, caring, giving, and much- admired pillars of the community. Why this duplicity?
It is only partly premeditated and intended to disguise the abuser's acts. More importantly, it reflects his inner world, where the victims are nothing but two-dimensional representations, objects, devoid of emotions and needs, or mere extensions of his self. Thus, to the abuser's mind, his quarries do not merit humane treatment, nor do they evoke empathy.
Typically, the abuser succeeds to convert the abused into his worldview. The victim – and his victimizers – don't realize that something is wrong with the relationship. This denial is common and all-pervasive. It permeates other spheres of the abuser's life as well. Such people are often narcissists – steeped in grandiose fantasies, divorced from reality, besotted with their False Self, consumed by feelings of omnipotence, omniscience, entitlement, and paranoia.
Contrary to stereotypes, both the abuser and his prey usually suffer from disturbances in the regulation of their sense of self- worth. Low self-esteem and lack of self-confidence render the abuser – and his confabulated self – vulnerable to criticism, disagreement, exposure, and adversity – real or imagined.
Abuse is bred by fear – fear of being mocked or betrayed, emotional insecurity, anxiety, panic, and apprehension. It is a last ditch effort to exert control – for instance, over one's spouse – by "annexing" her, "possessing" her, and "punishing" her for being a separate entity, with her own boundaries, needs, feelings, preferences, and dreams.

In her seminal tome, "The Verbally Abusive Relationship", Patricia Evans lists the various forms of manipulation which together constitute verbal and emotional (psychological) abuse:
1.Withholding (the silent treatment),
2.countering (refuting or invalidating the spouse's statements or actions)
3.discounting (putting down her emotions, possessions, experiences, hopes, and fears),
4.sadistic and brutal humour,
5.blocking (avoiding a meaningful exchange, diverting the conversation, changing the subject),
6.blaming and accusing,
7.judging and criticizing,
8.undermining and sabotaging,
9.threatening, name calling, forgetting and denying, ordering around, denial, and
10.abusive anger.
11.To these we can add: Wounding "honesty", ignoring, smothering, dotting, unrealistic expectations, invasion of privacy, tactlessness, sexual abuse, physical maltreatment, humiliating, shaming, insinuating, lying, exploiting, devaluing and discarding, being unpredictable, reacting disproportionately, dehumanizing, objectifying, abusing confidence and intimate information, engineering impossible situations, control by proxy and ambient abuse.

In his comprehensive essay, "Understanding the Batterer in Custody and Visitation Disputes", Lundy Bancroft ( author of why does he does that a book about abusive men) observes: "Because of the distorted perceptions that the abuser has of rights and responsibilities in relationships, he considers himself to be the victim. Acts of self-defence on the part of the battered woman or the children, or efforts they make to stand up for their rights, he defines as aggression AGAINST him. He is often highly skilled at twisting his descriptions of events to create the convincing impression that he has been victimized. He thus accumulates grievances over the course of the relationship to the same extent that the victim does, which can lead professionals to decide that the members of the couple 'abuse each other' and that the relationship has been 'mutually hurtful'."

Yet, whatever the form of ill-treatment and cruelty – the structure of the interaction and the roles played by abuser and victim are the same. Identifying these patterns – and how they are influenced by prevailing social and cultural mores, values, and beliefs – is a first and indispensable step towards recognizing abuse, coping with it, and ameliorating its inevitable and excruciatingly agonizing aftermath.
 
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New Topic 3 Types of Narcissist and how Narcissism develops

In order to refrain from being “owned” by anyone (and, thus, avoid self-destruction at the hands of his own envy), the narcissist reduces others to “non-entities” (the narcissistic solution), or completely avoids all meaningful contact with them (the schizoid solution)Grandiosity, a sense of entitlement, a lack of empathy, and overweening haughtiness usually hide gnawing insecurity and a fluctuating sense of self-worth.

There are, therefore, three "basic" types of narcissists:
1. The offspring of neglecting parents who default to narcissism as the predominant form of object relations (with themselves as the exclusive love object).
2.The offspring of doting or domineering parents (often narcissists themselves) These children internalize their parents' voices in the form of a sadistic, ideal, immature Superego and spend their lives trying to be perfect, omnipotent, omniscient and to be judged "a success" by these parent-images and their later representations and substitutes (authority figures);
3.The offspring of abusive parents internalize the abusing, demeaning and contemptuous voices and spend their livesu in an effort to elicit "counter- voices" from other people and thus to regulate their labile self-esteem and sense of self-worth.

The narcissistic parent seems to employ a myriad primitive defence in his or her dealings with his or her children:
1. Splitting, idealization, and devaluation – Idealizing the child and devaluing him in cycles, which reflect the internal dynamics of the parent rather than anything the child does.
2.Projective Identification – Forcing the child to behave in a way which vindicates the parent's fears regarding himself or herself, his or her self-image and his or her self-worth. This is a particularly powerful and pernicious mechanism. If the narcissist parent fears his or her own deficiencies ("defects"), vulnerability, perceived weaknesses, susceptibility, gullibility, or emotions, he or she is likely to force the child to "feel" these rejected and (to him or her) repulsive emotions, to behave in ways strongly abhorred by the parent, to exhibit character traits the parent strongly rejects in himself or herself.
3. Projection – The child, in a way, becomes the "trash bin", the reflecting mirror of the parents' inhibitions, fears, self-loathing, self-contempt, perceived lack of self-worth, sense of inadequacy, rejected traits, repressed emotions, failures and emotional reticence. They attribute all these unwanted traits and emotions to the child. Coupled with the parent's treatment of the child as the parent's extension, these psychological defences totally inhibit the psychological growth and emotional maturation of the child. The child becomes a reflection of the parent, a conduit through which the parent experiences and realizes himself or herself for better (hopes, aspirations, ambition, life goals) and for worse (weaknesses, "undesirable" emotions, "negative" traits)Clinical Features of the Narcissistic Personality Disorder

The onset of pathological narcissism is in infancy, childhood and early adolescence. It is commonly attributed to childhood abuse and trauma inflicted by parents, authority figures, or even peers. Pathological narcissism is a defense mechanism intended to deflect hurt and trauma from the victim's "True Self" into a "False Self" which is omnipotent, invulnerable, and omniscient. The narcissist uses the False Self to regulate his or her labile sense of self-worth by extracting from his environment narcissistic supply (any form of attention, both positive and negative).There is a whole range of narcissistic reactions, styles, and personalities – from the mild, reactive and transient to the permanent personality disorder.

Patients with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) feel injured, humiliated and empty when criticized. They often react with disdain (devaluation), rage, and defiance to any slight, real or imagined.

To avoid such situations, some patients with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) socially withdraw and feign false modesty and humility to mask their underlying grandiosity. Dysthymic and depressive disorders are common reactions to isolation and feelings of shame and inadequacy.

The interpersonal relationships of patients with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) are typically impaired due to their lack of empathy, disregard for others, exploitativeness, sense of entitlement, and constant need for attention (narcissistic supply).
 
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Wow, I am reading this and noticing how much of a narcissist/abuser my ex was. I am buying this book. Thank u soo much for posting this. I needed to see this!!!
 
I found this article about psychological manipulation From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia. It is a long article...

Psychological manipulation is a type of social influence that aims to change the perception or behavior of others through underhand, deceptive, or even abusive tactics.[1] By advancing the interests of the manipulator, often at the other's expense, such methods could be considered exploitative, abusive, devious, and deceptive. Social influence is not necessarily negative. For example, doctors can try to persuade patients to change unhealthy habits. Social influence is generally perceived to be harmless when it respects the right of the influenced to accept or reject and is not unduly coercive. Depending on the context and motivations, social influence may constitute underhanded manipulation.

According to George K. Simon, successful psychological manipulation primarily involves the manipulator:
1.concealing aggressive intentions and behaviors.
2.knowing the psychological vulnerabilities of the victim to determine what tactics are likely to be the most effective.
3.having a sufficient level of ruthlessness to have no qualms about causing harm to the victim if necessary.
4.Consequently the manipulation is likely to be accomplished through covert aggressive (relational aggressive or passive aggressive) means.

How manipulators control their victims. According to Braiker Harriet Braiker[1] identified the following basic ways that manipulators control their victims:
1.Positive reinforcement: includes praise, superficial charm, superficial sympathy (crocodile tears), excessive apologizing, money, approval, gifts, attention, facial expressions such as a forced laugh or smile, and public recognition.
2.Negative reinforcement: involves removing one from a negative situation as a reward, e.g. "You won't have to do your homework if you allow me to do this to you."
3.Intermittent or partial reinforcement: Partial or intermittent negative reinforcement can create an effective climate of fear and doubt. Partial or intermittent positive reinforcement can encourage the victim to persist - for example in most forms of gambling, the gambler is likely to win now and again but still lose money overall.
4.Punishment: includes nagging, yelling, the silent treatment, intimidation, threats, swearing, emotional blackmail, the guilt trip, sulking, crying, and playing the victim.
5. Traumatic one-trial learning: using verbal abuse, explosive anger, or other intimidating behavior to establish dominance or superiority; even one incident of such behavior can condition or train victims to avoid upsetting, confronting or contradicting the manipulator.


According to Simon[2] identified the following manipulative techniques:
1.Lying: It is hard to tell if somebody is lying at the time they do it, although often the truth may be apparent later when it is too late. One way to minimize the chances of being lied to is to understand that some personality types (particularly psychopaths) are experts at the art of lying and cheating, doing it frequently, and often in subtle ways.
2.Lying by omission: This is a very subtle form of lying by withholding a significant amount of the truth. This technique is also used in propaganda.
3.Denial: Manipulator refuses to admit that he or she has done something wrong.
3.Rationalization: An excuse made by the manipulator for inappropriate behavior. Rationalization is closely related to spin.
4.Minimization: This is a type of denial coupled with rationalization. The manipulator asserts that his or her behavior is not as harmful or irresponsible as someone else was suggesting, for example saying that a taunt or insult was only a joke.
5.Selective inattention or selective attention: Manipulator refuses to pay attention to anything that may distract from his or her agenda, saying things like "I don't want to hear it".
6.Diversion: Manipulator not giving a straight answer to a straight question and instead being diversionary, steering the conversation onto another topic.
7.Evasion: Similar to diversion but giving irrelevant, rambling, vague responses, weasel words.
8.Covert intimidation: Manipulator throwing the victim onto the defensive by using veiled (subtle, indirect or implied) threats.
9.Guilt tripping: A special kind of intimidation tactic. A manipulator suggests to the conscientious victim that he or she does not care enough, is too selfish or has it easy. This usually results in the victim feeling bad, keeping them in a self-doubting, anxious and submissive position.
10.Shaming: Manipulator uses sarcasm and put-downs to increase fear and self-doubt in the victim. Manipulators use this tactic to make others feel unworthy and therefore defer to them. Shaming tactics can be very subtle such as a fierce look or glance, unpleasant tone of voice, rhetorical comments, subtle sarcasm. Manipulators can make one feel ashamed for even daring to challenge them. It is an effective way to foster a sense of inadequacy in the victim.
11.Playing the victim role ("poor me"): Manipulator portrays him- or herself as a victim of circumstance or of someone else's behavior in order to gain pity, sympathy or evoke compassion and thereby get something from another. Caring and conscientious people cannot stand to see anyone suffering and the manipulator often finds it easy to play on sympathy to get cooperation.
12.Vilifying the victim: More than any other, this tactic is a powerful means of putting the victim on the defensive while simultaneously masking the aggressive intent of the manipulator.
13.Playing the servant role: Cloaking a self-serving agenda in guise of a service to a more noble cause, for example saying he is acting in a certain way for "obedience" and "service" to God or a similar authority figure.
14.Seduction: Manipulator uses charm, praise, flattery or overtly supporting others in order to get them to lower their defenses and give their trust and loyalty to him or her.
15.Projecting the blame (blaming others): Manipulator scapegoats in often subtle, hard-to-detect ways.
16.Feigning innocence: Manipulator tries to suggest that any harm done was unintentional or that they did not do something that they were accused of. Manipulator may put on a look of surprise or indignation. This tactic makes the victim question his or her own judgment and possibly his own sanity.
17.Feigning confusion: Manipulator tries to play dumb by pretending he or she does not know what the victim is talking about or is confused about an important issue brought to his attention.
18.Brandishing anger: Manipulator uses anger to brandish sufficient emotional intensity and rage to shock the victim into submission. The manipulator is not actually angry, he or she just puts on an act. He just wants what he wants and gets "angry" when denied.
 
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Vulnerabilities exploited by manipulators

According to Braiker,[1] manipulators exploit the following vulnerabilities (buttons) that may exist in victims:

1.the "disease to please" addiction to earning the approval and acceptance of others
2.Emotophobia (fear of negative emotion; i.e. a fear of expressing anger, frustration or disapproval)
3.lack of assertiveness and ability to say no blurry sense of identity (with soft personal boundaries) low self-reliance
4.external locus of control According to Simon,[2] manipulators exploit the following vulnerabilities that may exist in victims:
5. naïveté - victim finds it too hard to accept the idea that some people are cunning, devious and ruthless or is "in denial" if he or she is being victimized.
6.over-conscientiousness - victim is too willing to give manipulator the benefit of the doubt and see their side of things in which they blame the victim.
7.low self-confidence - victim is self-doubting, lacking in confidence and assertiveness, likely to go on the defensive too easily.
8.over-intellectualization - victim tries too hard to understand and believes the manipulator has some understandable reason to be hurtful.
9.emotional dependency - victim has a submissive or dependent personality. The more emotionally dependent the victim is, the more vulnerable he or she is to being exploited and manipulated.

Manipulators generally take the time to scope out the characteristics and vulnerabilities of their victim. According to Kantor,[3] the following are vulnerable to psychopathic manipulators:
1,too dependent - dependent people need to be loved and are therefore gullible and liable to say yes to something to which they should say no.
1.too immature - has impaired judgment and believes the exaggerated advertising claims.
2.too naïve - cannot believe there are dishonest people in the world, taking for granted that if there were they would not be allowed to operate.
3.too impressionable - overly seduced by charmers. For example, they might vote for the seemingly charming politician who kisses babies.
4.too trusting - people who are honest often assume that everyone else is honest. They are more likely to commit themselves to people they hardly know without checking credentials, etc., and less likely to question so-called experts.
5.too lonely - lonely people may accept any offer of human contact. A psychopathic stranger may offer human companionship for a price.
6.toop narcissistic - narcissists are prone to falling for unmerited flattery.
7.too impulsive - make snap decisions about, for example, what to buy or whom to marry without consulting others.
8.too altruistic - the opposite of psychopathic: too honest, too fair, too empathetic.
9.too frugal - cannot say no to a bargain even if they know the reason it is so cheap.
10.too materialistic - easy prey for loan sharks or get-rich-quick schemes.
11.too greedy - the greedy and dishonest may fall prey to a psychopath who can easily entice them to act in an immoral way.
12.too masochistic - lack self-respect and so unconsciously let psychopaths take advantage of them. They think they deserve it out of a sense of guilt.
13.the elderly - the elderly can become fatigued and less capable of multi-tasking. When hearing a sales pitch they are less likely to consider that it could be a con. They are prone to giving money to someone with a hard-luck story.

Motivations of manipulators
Manipulators can have various possible motivations, including:[1]
1.the need to advance their own purposes and personal gain at virtually any cost to others
2. a strong need to attain feelings of power and superiority in relationships with others
3. a want and need to feel in control (aka. control freak)
4. a desire to gain a feeling of power over others in order to raise their perception and self-esteem

Psychological conditions of manipulators Manipulators may have any of the following psychological conditions:[1]
machiavellian personality
narcissistic personality disorder
paranoid personality disorder
borderline personality disorder
dependent personality disorder
histrionic personality disorder
passive–aggressive behavior
type A angry personalities
antisocial personality disorder
behavioral addiction
Basic manipulative strategy of a psychopath

According to Robert D. Hare and Paul Babiak,[4] psychopaths are always on the lookout for individuals to scam or swindle. The psychopathic approach includes three phases:
Assessment phase
Some psychopaths are opportunistic, aggressive predators who will take advantage of almost anyone they meet, while others are more patient, waiting for the perfect, innocent victim to cross their path. In each case, the psychopath is constantly sizing up the potential usefulness of an individual as a source of money, power, sex, or influence. Some psychopaths enjoy a challenge while others prey on people who are vulnerable. During the assessment phase, the psychopath is able to determine a potential victim’s weak points and will use those weak points to seduce.
Manipulation phase
Once the psychopath has identified a victim, the manipulation phase begins. During the manipulation phase, a psychopath may create a persona or mask, specifically designed to ‘work’ for his or her target. A psychopath will lie to gain the trust of their victim. Psychopaths' lack of empathy and guilt allows them to lie with impunity; they do not see the value of telling the truth unless it will help get them what they want.
As interaction with the victim proceeds, the psychopath carefully assesses the victim's persona. The victim's persona gives the psychopath a picture of the traits and characteristics valued in the victim. The victim's persona may also reveal, to an astute observer, insecurities or weaknesses the victim wishes to minimize or hide from view. As an ardent student of human behavior, the psychopath will then gently test the inner strengths and needs that are part of the victim's private self and eventually build a personal relationship with the victim.
The persona of the psychopath - the “personality” the victim is bonding with - does not really exist. It is built on lies, carefully woven together to entrap the victim. It is a mask, one of many, custom-made by the psychopath to fit the victim's particular psychological needs and expectations. The victimization is predatory in nature; it often leads to severe financial, physical or emotional harm for the individual. Healthy, real relationships are built on mutual respect and trust; they are based on sharing honest thoughts and feelings. The victim's mistaken belief that the psychopathic bond has any of these characteristics is the reason it is so successful.
Abandonment phase
The abandonment phase begins when the psychopath decides that his or her victim is no longer useful. The psychopath abandons his or her victim and moves on to someone else. In the case of romantic relationships, a psychopath will usually seal a relationship with their next target before abandoning his or her current victim.
Sometimes, the psychopath has three individuals on whom he or she is running game:
1.the one who has been recently abandoned, who is being toyed with and kept in the picture in case the other two do not work out
2.the second person who is currently being played and is about to be abandoned
3.the third, who is being groomed by the psychopath, in anticipation of abandoning the current "mark".
 
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Narcissistic people
1. Crave Narcissistic Supply to feed their ego.
2. Need people to project his internal pain on to...by using tactics such as Blame, shame, Gas-lighting, Rage, Slander...
3. A narcissist will demonize you to everyone, make you feel alone and worthless, will destroy your hopes and dreams and down play your success. They will eventually undermine and destroy you. They twist things, lie, intimidate, practise character assassination , slander... They do this while simultaneously being sweet, charming and nice to the general public thus making you feel like you are the problem.
4.The narcissist has an object relationship with humans he is the subject (the intelligent being) and everyone are (inanimate) objects.
5. The narcissist mirrors the good qualities of their partners and simultaneously projects his bad qualities onto their partners. In the beginning of the relationship the narcissist may seem like a dream come true the reason for this is that he was mirroring you. Generally narcissists are empty inside their true self does not exist.
6. People who were not spoilt, not loved, abandoned by their parents and viewed as extensions of their parents as children developed narcissism as a form of protection.
7. Insecure people with internal issue tolerate abuse and subordination. They look to others for approval, love , respect and to heal their internal pain.
8. These people are generally Co-dependant with self esteem, boundary, reality and dependency issues.

How to Handle a Narcissist
If you have a boss, a roommate, or (heaven help you) a parent with full-blown narcissistic personality disorder, your attempts to develop healthy self-esteem will be severely challenged. There are four ways to go about dealing with such people. Each approach may be useful at various times, and understanding all four will give you a range of responses to your own least favorite narcissists.

1. Acquiesce. The first way of dealing with narcissists is to behave as they want you to. This means placing them at the center of every decision, silencing your own thoughts and feelings, and constantly reassuring them that they are what Jesus would have been like if he'd gotten some therapy. I suggest acquiescence if you enjoy grappling with the urge to hurl yourself in front of a train.

2. Push back. Narcissists are bullies. They rely on other people's decency and self-restraint to sustain their psychological dominance. Bluntly, assertively refusing to comply with their demands withers them, because in their warped emotional environment, one person in each twosome must always dominate, the other be dominated. If you take the dominant role, narcissists will fall into the "dominated" category without even understanding why.

The next time a narcissist rages at you, don't explain or placate. Instead, get dominant. State emphatically that you will not tolerate attempts to intimidate or manipulate you. If he whines, tell him to stop whining. If she bristles, bristle right back. Rather than escalating the conflict, as it might with a normal person, this assertive response often stops narcissists dead in their tracks. The dance of dominance in the narcissist's brain works in your favor if you're willing to lead.

3. Drug them with praise. When I compared narcissists with addicts, I wasn't speaking metaphorically. True narcissists are literally addicted to praise. Large doses of adulation can put them into a drugged euphoria. If you find yourself in a narcissist's power, try delivering a dose of ego reinforcement. Don't lie—just say things like "You have amazing potential!" or "Goodness, the things you know!"

This often renders narcissists so docile that you can move them to the sidelines of your life and go about your business. Sure, it's disingenuous compared to telling the whole truth ("You're mentally ill; you need help"), but trying to persuade a narcissist to change is like climbing into a pigpen to wrestle a hog: You get covered with manure, and the hog enjoys it.

4. Drop the rope. You win a tug-of-war by dragging your opponent across a line on the ground—or do you? If the tug-of-war happens to be nonsensical and destructive, then the way to truly win is to drop the rope. This is my favorite method of dealing with narcissists. As soon as you feel that crazy sense of walking on eggshells, fending off narcissistic rage, stop. Walk away. The narcissist will win the tug-of-war. You'll win your sanity. Take your pick.

Read more: http://www.oprah.com/omagazine/Martha-Beck-Self-Esteem-or-Narcissism/2#ixzz2Pyli5AyN
 
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5 warning signs of a toxic friendship
Originally posted by Yardyspice

Clinical psychologist and professor of psychology, Dr. Ramani Durvasula, discusses on the “Frenemies” show five key warning signs that may determine if you are involved in a toxic friendship that can turn dangerous.On The Ricki Lake Show airing Monday, January 7th, one woman recounts how her best friend’s controlling and manipulative behavior ultimately led to her to unwittingly participate in a drug smuggling ring, and a sibling tells Ricki of the horrifying tale of losing her sister at the hands of a childhood friend. On the show, Dr. Ramani Durvasula reviews the five warning signs that should’ve been evident in those two toxic relationships. She lists five behaviors that should send anyone running from a so-called "BFF."

5 Warning Signs
1. Your friend isolates you from others
2. You’re encouraged to go against your morals and ethics
3. Your friend controls other elements of your life
4. Your friend issues insults – puts you down in any way.
5. You frequently catch your friend in lies, or things that don’t ring true

Dr. Durvasula expands on the above warning signs below.

• Abusive relationships are not very common – meaning that it is not the “norm” – and one thing that protects friendships from turning abusive as often as intimate relationships do is that we typically have multiple friendships – which often waters down the power of any one friendship.
• However like any human relationship – if you enter into a relationship with a narcissist or a sociopath – you can pretty much set your clock by the fact that there will be some abusive elements within the relationship.
• Friendships tend to be become unhealthy gradually- most of us are on better behavior at the beginning of a relationship. But as we sort of “relax” into our true selves – that is when it can sometimes get dark (depending on the players).
• It happens as people tolerate more and more bad treatment over time – when a few “slips” take place – many people tend to “excuse” their friend or come up with rationalizations for their behavior – and over time it drifts darker and darker.
• In a word, friendships become unhealthy because one person tolerates disrespectful or inappropriate behavior and doesn’t call the other person on it.
• People are quicker to forgive their friends over their spouses because friends often hold a special place. We are sort of “stuck” with our families and we did not choose them and the histories are deeper so the conflicts may run deeper.
• Intimate partners also carry rules (e.g. fidelity, commitment etc); we rarely accuse a friend of “cheating” on us because friendships are governed by less rules and different rules. We may be more likely to see forgiveness. In addition, the stakes may be lower. We are less likely to be shareholders in terms of money, kids, homes so forgiving may carry fewer ramifications.
• We tend to have multiple friends so the pressure of problems in one friendship may not be as trying as they would be with a sister or a spouse. Bottom line – folks tend to view friendships as a lower stakes game – even though they may be some of the most powerful relationships we have.
• It’s primitive to feel the need to be in a best friend relationship. We tend to like that “one” devoted relationship. It starts young with “mom” (or primary caregiver) and then as adults we tend to have “one” spouse (hopefully).
• A best friend can feel like a safety, a confidante, and for a person who is not in an intimate relationship, a best friend may feel like that intimate partner with whom one can share, count on, spend time with, and share life with.
• Not everyone feels the need for this. in fact some people are “best friend-ers” while others aren’t and there are lots of reasons for this. It tends to start young too.
• To turn a toxic relationship around you need to listen to yourself. Just like in an intimate relationship, if it doesn’t feel right question it. Communicate, share your feelings and take ownership (e.g. I don’t feel good when you speak to me like that. I feel angry when you criticize my abilities).
• Try not to put all your eggs in one basket and cultivate other relationships and interests. Moreover always nurture yourself and if that isn’t happening in a friendship, then communicate, assess, and walk if it isn’t working.
• I hate to say it but the degree to which a toxic friendship or relationship can really be turned around is pretty slight. People are in denial that ANYONE we care(d) about could hurt us, whether it is a friend or a loved one. It hurts us too much to admit that.
• We hate to lose the history, we hate to lose the future we assumed, the confidante and we hate the idea that we were played for a fool. All of that can lead us to rewrite the truth and the circumstances in a way that maintains the status quo.
• By and large, people hate when their boats are rocked (which is why so many crappy relationships last – people would rather stay in a bad one than make a change – change is scary). Denial lets us keep things the same and that feels comfortable.

Breaking Up With a Toxic Friend

But how do you know whether a friendship is just going through a rocky phase or it's time to throw in the towel? Stacy Kaiser, relationship expert and author of How to Be a Grownup, says it's actually quite easy to determine whether a friendship is worth fighting for.

3 Signs It's Time to Break Up

1. You get very little back (or nothing) for what you give -- it's very one-sided.
2. You spend too much time gossiping about her. If she's the topic of conversation on a regular basis and has you so frustrated that you can't even think straight, that's a big, red flag.
3. You've already gone a round (or two) and forgiven her in the past. There comes a point when you realize it's a pattern and it's not going to change.

OK, so now you've decided the breakup has to happen, but how to you do it? Kaiser says if you're feel like the relationship has run its course, the only thing left is to be clear and honest -- but also kind and respectful. Because while it's important to make decisions that best fit your own life, don't lose your dignity in the process by hitting below the belt.
 
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How The Narcissist Projects His/Her Behaviour Onto You

One of the most painful parts about a relationship with a narcissist is the accusations and ‘labels’ the narcissist puts on you.

During your relationship with the narcissist you were probably accused of doing and being all sorts of things that you know at a logical level you certainly wouldn’t do.Such as:Being unfaithful, a pathological liar, untrustworthy, unscrupulous, a gold-digger, mentally unstable, attention-seeking, a horrible parent, a child-abuser, horrible, unloving, selfish (’It is all about you’), ‘You don’t treat me like an equal’, or that you are the narcissist…etc Maybe you had a narcissistic parent and you were told that you weren’t good enough, you were selfish and a bad person.Today I want to explain how when a narcissist accuses you of such atrocities he/she is actually speaking to a MIRROR.I hope by explaining how the narcissist projects his/her behaviour onto you, you can let go of the feelings of unworthiness that the narcissist may have led you to believe about yourself.

The Idealising Phase
In regard to love relationships – in many cases, when you met the narcissist, he or she could not seem happier with you. You were put on a pedestal, and were told all the reasons why you were so different from all the others. The narcissist ‘loved’ everything about you.The narcissist believed you were the person who was going to be his or her saviour. You were the person who was going to magically feed his or her False Self all the right stuff, and be the person who would keep the narcissist separated from his or her damaged inner self.The inner damaged self, which you did not know or want to believe existed. Of course you weren’t the narcissist’s saviour – no-one can be.The narcissist (like everyone) was never going to feel genuinely valued, safe, approved of and loved by anyone but him or herself.Because authentic feelings about ‘self’ have to always come from ‘self’.

The Devaluing Phase
Sooner or later the narcissist’s False Self is not appeased enough. The narcissist will perceive something you did as ‘wrong’ – which means not approving of him or her enough, or because you ‘critiqued’ ’questioned’ or ‘didn’t agree’ with him or her in some way.Then the mask (False Self) cracks, and the monstrous unhealed wounds of the narcissist appear in order to punish you for not complying with the constructed script of the narcissist’s False Self.At this point the ‘adoring’ person you believed was in love with you becomes your worst enemy and nightmare – saying or doing almost anything possible to maliciously hurt you.Understandably you will be shocked, reeling and incredibly distraught because the behaviour the narcissist employs is incredibly pathological, cruel, without remorse and can be assessed as inhumane.You will call it ‘that’ and confront the narcissist with “What on earth have you just done, and HOW on earth could you do that?”Please KNOW people who have enough RESOURCES OF SELF will leave the narcissist at this point – no matter how much it hurts to.
I want you to remember this point…it’s important, and I will come back to this.
 
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The Dichotomies of the Narcissist
For all the narcissist’s ‘confidence’ and ‘acclaim’ and statements of ‘specialness’ about him or herself – the narcissist has an very poorly defined Inner Self, and is constantly plagued by feelings of inadequacy and not being good enough.The narcissists tries to be ‘perfect’, ‘special’ ‘wealthy’ supportive’ ‘attractive’ ‘an incredible lover’ or ‘wonderful’ or whatever it takes to win your approval (in order to feed and maintain his or her False Self), and then acts incredibly imperfectly when he or she does not get the payoff (you mirroring back sufficiently) to maintain feeling ‘perfect’, ‘special’ ‘wealthy’ ‘attractive’ or ‘wonderful’. It is the same False Self (ego) which tries so hard to be approved of, which when not being sustained by ‘the outside’ constantly (a necessity because it is not self-sustaining) becomes pathological and vengeful and behaves atrociously.

This is what a monstrous ego (pain, fear and emptiness) does.The larger the ego the more pronounced the backlash.The narcissist’s horrendous behaviour, when it appears, of course does not fit the narcissist’s False Self creation of ‘perfection’. The imperfect (unhealed) parts of the narcissist have been disowned by him or her, and therefore must be assigned elsewhere – and quickly – so that the narcissist does not have to face his or her worst fears – there is something really wrong with me and I am not the ‘incredible being’ I am pretending to be.

The projections erupt…The harder you try to make the narcissist accountable for his or her atrocious behaviour the more pronounced the projections.

What is Narcissistic Projection? All narcissist’s project their unhealed parts – because they simply can’t and won’t take responsibility for them.Narcissists don’t like the fact they are empty, needy for approval, pathologically envious, and have horrible thoughts about themselves and other people. They detest their own feelings of vulnerability, deep shame and unworthiness.When the ‘mask’ (False Self) can’t keep the cover up holding these feelings submerged (which it can’t indefinitely) these broken parts rush into the narcissist’s consciousness, and they feel horrendous for the narcissist.

Narcissistic injury feels like emotional annihilation to the narcissist. It is unthinkable, unbearable and will be avoided at all costs.

Non personality-disordered people do not have this issue. They are capable of accepting being ‘wrong’ and ‘imperfect’ and realise it is a part of the normal human experience. ‘Normal’ people may not necessary like it – but they can accept it and take responsibility for it.Naturally when you confront the narcissist about his or her disgusting behaviour you create the same situation – ‘Here are your broken disowned parts’.The narcissist’s False Self then goes into automatic deflection and projection. Due to the narcissist’s self-disgust with his or her unhealed/ disowned parts, this is a necessary emotional survival mechanism.He **or she will inevitably assign these parts on to you.

This ensures two things:
1) You are punished for challenging the False Self, and
2) You become the atrocious person who has committed all of these unacceptable things (or at the very least have been the cause of them).

Narcissistic parents project their unhealed parts on to their children, narcissistic bosses do it to their employees, and narcissists do it to their love partners. You do not have to ‘critique’ a narcissist for it to happen – he or she may just be having a painful internal moment – which for a narcissist is regular.Unattended unhealed parts scream out painfully for attention – that’s just what they do.The narcissist will use any method available to project. This means fabricating, distorting, assigning significance to, or exaggerating what you said or did as ‘evidence’, and / or quoting third party allies which can also be fabricated.You will be astounded after stating the facts and gaining some sort of sensibility (forcing the narcissist after a mammoth battle to admit the ‘truth’ regarding these fabrications) when at a later date the narcissist will deny all of that and default back to his or her fabricated version of projection.You will also be amazed at how the narcissist lies about an ‘event’ that you were present to and upholds it as absolute truth regardless of the fact you were there!
I promise you this: Narcissists actually believes their fabricated versions. You need to understand that the narcissist’s thinking and brain-wiring is so disordered that when he or she uses a deflection to avoid his or her disowned parts – this becomes real to the narcissist.When you understand all of this, you can clearly see that the narcissist is speaking to a mirror.The narcissist’s accusations about your character and what you ‘do’ are exactly what the narcissist feels internally about him or herself and how he or she operates in the world.

Who is Going to Accept the Projections?

In relation to yourself this is the really important part.
Anyone who has ever lived through the projections of a narcissist knows the insanity, the crazy-making, the intense struggle to try to prove yourself as innocent, the incredible twists and turns that the narcissist will perform to avoid accountability, and how any accountability or ‘safety’ gained from these tussels can fly out the window at a moment’s notice and return to the pathological versions.You will be astounded, heartbroken, and dismayed how these fabricated versions are worth so much more to the narcissist then you, maintaining a healthy relationship with you, or even valuing any relationship at all with you.You will be shocked and devastated at how the narcissist will forego all future shared ‘dreams’, all security created together (including family), and is so capable of procuring other sources of narcissistic supply at a moment’s notice - JUST to remain non-accountable and keep blaming you.You feel like you’re going insane trying to get this person to JUST act like a decent and ‘normal’ human being.

Surely it’s NOT that hard!
The problem is this – you believe the narcissist can be ‘normal’ and is wired like a ‘normal’ human being.You need to accept this is not the case.When behaviour has reached the level of pathological lying, malicious acts of vengeance, smearing and non-accountability (which of course includes projection) you are dealing with NPD point blank.This person is not brain-wired ‘normally’ and is not going to change.The ‘love’ you thought was real or possible is not. It didn’t and doesn’t exist. What was going on in the name of ‘love’ is this: you were the vehicle to feed the narcissist’s False Self to avoid his or her internal damage.
The relationship was never going to be healthy or work…This relationship was never about you – it was always firmly all about the narcissist – regardless of how much you believed the narcissist was loving and caring at times. We need to understand why we have accepted these projections and did not understood that this was not our stuff - it was the narcissist’s damaged parts that were hurled at us.

Accepting Narcissistic Projections From Parents

If we had a narcissistic parent, as a child we were defenceless and certainly did not have an established sense of self. It was impossible to have boundaries and define ‘this stuff isn’t mine’.All children feel at fault when their parents project on to them.The statements: You’re bad, stupid, selfish, not good enough etc are easily absorbed by children as truth. The most empathetic / sensitive children tend to internalise these wounds and deep shame, ‘I’ll try harder to make you love and accept me’, and will strive to not do the wrong thing (adopt high levels of conscience).
 
This is the model of the co-dependent.

The less empathetic children disown their pain and deep shame, pit themselves against the world as ‘I’m never going to allow myself to be vulnerable, get hurt or trust again’ and create a False Self through which to navigate their life (adopt amoral behaviour).
This is the model of the narcissist.We can understand that children do not have an established self as children. They are highly dependent and vulnerable.A child can’t say “Mum / Dad, you are a narcissist, you’re not healthy and I don’t want anything more to do with this – I’m leaving!”

Accepting Narcissistic Projections at Work
Within a workplace an employee may have security fears, and be scared of losing their position. This can make them extremely vulnerable to a narcissist boss. The employee may also be aware of the vengeance that could occur if they stand up to the boss or report him or her to a higher authority. He or she may also realise this person has the capacity to fabricate information in order to punish and project blame.Unless this employee believes strongly in themself enough to lay boundaries, walk and be truth firmly without being intimidated, and / or knows they can create other revenue options elsewhere – he or she will be at risk or being narcissistically abused by a boss.It comes down to his or her sense of self.
Accepting Narcissistic Projections in a Relationship
In regard to love relationships, the narcissistic partner positions him or herself to create your dependency. He or she will erode what sense of self you may have (which wasn’t truly firm otherwise a narcissist could not be in your life) and will create you as reliant on him or her as possible –emotionally, mentally, physically, and / or financially.The narcissist frenetically needs to be the centre of your universe. This creates enmeshment in order to extract narcissistic supply for you, and ensures you are hooked enough to stick around as the dumpmaster for his or her disowned inner parts (projections).

The idealising phase sets up this dynamic.

You know that when you accepted the projections (fighting back also means ‘accepting’ them), pleaded and argued for justice and accountability, justified yourself and were involved in conversations and bouts that made your head spin – you felt helpless, devastated and incredibly unsafe.The truth is: You felt as powerless and as vulnerable as a child. You may have suffered infantile regression which means you felt terrified of abandonment and rejection and acted from this terror accordingly. You clung despite the horrific levels of abuse.Narcissists play that card to control you – they threaten rejection, abandonment and/ or the replacing of you.
And if you are not complying to the False Self – the narcissist will excute these threats.
These are all common narcissistic tactics.

Your Essential Sense of self

Please KNOW people who have enough RESOURCES OF SELF will leave the narcissist at this point (when atrocious, amoral, vengeful behaviour erupts) – no matter how much it hurts to.This is very true – I personally know of many people who walked away when this happened.When I had a conversation with a highly respected overseas counsellor not long ago – her opinion was: it is only a small percentage of men or women who will stay when confronted with point blank atrocious damaging behaviour.To get your recovery started you must take responsibility – that you did stay, and you continued to experience high levels of abuse rather than leaving and honouring yourself.My definition of being co-dependent is: Trying to ‘gain self from the outside’ rather than being your own authentic power source within yourself.I believe that everyone to varying degrees suffers from co-dependency – our entire world was modelled this way – and if your levels of co-dependency are substantial enough it creates you as an individual who is very susceptible to attracting and sustaining narcissistic abuse.When you don’t have enough sense of self, you will inevitably assign someone else to be that ‘source’ for you.The narcissist, because you were susceptible, was able to purposefully co-create this dependency with you.When we don’t have enough sense of self, we are reliant on approval.We need the person we have assigned as ‘our source of self’ to like us, believe in us, and we are devastated and feel our entire survival is threatened if they don’t believe we are a good person, if they accuse us of wrongdoings and character traits that we would not even consider doing or being – and we cling for clemency and justice.We believe that if we lose this person in our life we will not be able to emotionally, mentally and / or physically survive.If we believe our ‘loveableness’, our worth, our value, our approval or our life is dependent on another person we are susceptible.If we have these inner deficiencies we exactly mirror the lack of the narcissist’s inner ‘self’ )"]The truth is: We are a match.[/COLOR]

It’s not until we create a solid sense of self that we CAN believe in, validate and back ourself.Then we can easily understand, state and walk away, knowing ‘That is all YOUR stuff’ and it is Not ME Or My Reality!’In order to experience a healthy ‘self’, love and life we must become this inner solidness, and only then we can share it healthily with another.

When we do let go and heal – we see and accept what was really playing out.
We realise that ‘the all-powerful narcissist’ is actually ‘empty’ a ‘no-self’, powerless, and faux and is not at all desirable in our life and in our truth.
http://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/how-the-narcissist-projects-hisher-behaviour-onto-you/
 
New Topic
Love Bombing – When It’s Too Good To Be True
http://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/love-bombing-when-its-too-good-to-be-true/

When a narcissist comes into your life it is like being hit by a freight train.One day you were going about your everyday life, and within a very short amount of time, before you could even catch your breath you were swept up into an entirely differently reality.Gary Zukav makes reference to a Hindu poem “Destruction never appears weapon in hand. It comes slyly on tiptoe, making you see bad in good, and good in bad”.Narcissists come in hard, they come in fast, and once a narcissist has decided that you are a target, he or she doesn’t waste time.The process almost all narcissists know how to use very well is known as ‘love-bombing’. It is a powerful tool.
Wikipedia describes ‘love bombing’ as this:Love bombing is an attempt to influence a person by lavish demonstrations of attention and affection. The phrase can be used in different ways. Members of the Unification Church (who reportedly coined the expression) use or have used it themselves to mean a genuine expression of friendship, fellowship, interest, or concern. Critics of cults use the phrase with the implication that the “love” is feigned and the practice is manipulative. It has also been used to refer to abusers in romantic relationships showering their victims with praise, gifts, and affection in the early stages of a relationship.

In this article I will explain how narcissists use love bombing throughout a relationship (especially in the early stages) in order to hook you, as well as how to CLEARLY identify the signs of love bombing and RUN AWAY before it’s too late.The Narcissist’s Reality Before You Came Into the PictureLet’s start with the background of where the narcissist has come from before he or she begins to plot how to get you into their world.The narcissist is likely to have had narcissistic supply dry up, or is in the process of devaluing and discarding a former source of narcissistic supply. This means that the narcissist is looking to build new sources of supply.Narcissists have no True Self – their inner self has been completely engulfed by the False Self. Therefore any reverence for life – love, compassion, empathy, integrity and genuine connection is null and void. Because of the narcissist’s barren and internal emptiness he or she needs mirroring to survive. His or her flagging and erratic self-worth and self-value is precariously balanced on the need for outside attention.To be without narcissistic supply (attention) is the difference between emotional life and death for a narcissist. The narcissist’s internalised wounds often resulting from the unhealed wounds sustained from the mother (or sometimes the father or other authority figures) are relentless. These are the ‘voices’ that continually tell the narcissist ‘you are no good’, ‘you are worthless’, ‘you are a total failure in life’, ‘you don’t deserve to exist’.The narcissist does not have the resources to deal with, process or heal this inner terminal self-degradation, because he or she dismissed the True Self and created a False Self in its place.This False Self is pathological – it is false. And through this faux self which requires constant stimulation and reinforcement of the narcissist’s grandiose version of himself (to escape inner constant torment) people are needed to feed this fake construction.Normal life disappointments can be processed by people who are non-narcissists with relative ease. A narcissist does not have the inner mechanics to deal with ‘disappointments’ ‘set backs’ or the confronting of his or her ‘reality’ – that he or she is in fact imperfect and not the grandiose false version that is presented to the world.
Constant narcissistic supply is necessary to avoid him or herself, as a bottomless and never-ending quest to escape dealing with the emotional annihilation of what the narcissist really feels about him or herself.

A narcissist low on narcissistic supply needs to secure narcissistic supply as soon as possible. This will be his or her all-consuming focus.And this is where love bombing comes into play…
The Difference Between Neediness and Pathological Narcissism
You must understand that the narcissistic emotional ‘love’ model is not the normal human one we know. Narcissists are insatiably needy. We know there are ‘needy’ people in the world – but the normal human version of ‘needy’ bares very little resemblance to a narcissist’s neediness.Needy people are needy people, and have low self-esteem and deficient self-emotional resources, but they are not the pathological, relentless and lethal version of ‘neediness’ that the narcissist is.Needy people are often very unskilled at the art of persuasion and romance, and may be very off-putting in their advances. It has often been said neediness is the worst cologne – and this is very true. ‘Normal’ needy people often don’t secure love relationships quickly because people are repelled by their shaky advances.The narcissist is a completely different ball game. He or she is the most needy of all the needy people (requiring narcissistic supply like a heroin addict requires heroin), and his or her literal emotional survival has depended on acquiring narcissistic supply.Therefore the narcissist has been able to intricately learn and perfect the craft of how to secure narcissistic supply – quickly, flawlessly and expertly. Narcissists appear to be very confident, and very much ‘in their power’ when romancing and wooing you.
Intense Idealisation
Those who understand narcissistic behaviour realise the intense cycle of idealisation (adoring) and devaluing (abhorring).The start of a love bombing episode with a narcissist is TOTAL idealisation. Valuable and consistent sources of narcissistic supply are necessary for the narcissist to escape into his or her magical world again of being adored, special, unique and ‘wonderful’.
 
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When a narcissist decides a love partner is a valuable source of narcissistic supply – he or she will completely overrate, idealise this person and put them on a pedestal.In the narcissist’s pathological landscape this offers the ‘greatest bang for buck’, that he or she has secured the most intelligent, creative, good looking, amazing, wealthy, resourceful or incredible source of supply possible.

The narcissist convinces him or herself (narcissist’s have incredible child-like imaginations) how INCREDIBLE this source of supply is.This is how the narcissist highly values the narcissistic supply he or she has just ‘won’.Inevitably the initial adoring comes at a very high price for the person who has been secured for narcissistic supply, and the fall, the devaluing is imminent – when the False Self is not being fed exactly what it requires – and the previously adored partner will be devalued and discarded.

This will always happen, because any critique, ‘slight’ real or imagined, or differing opinion undermines the narcissist’s grandiose version of self and is interpreted as the narcissist as a complete attack and possible annihilation on his or her precarious emotional foundation.
Once narcissistic supply has dried up, or the narcissist is confronted too often with his tormented inner self, without ‘the right’ narcissistic supply from you as relief, the narcissist has the ability to switch relationships quickly, just as he or she can completely change jobs, lifestyle and communities. All source of narcissistic supply which are not cutting the grade are dispensable.

Unhealthy Romantic Behaviour

Unfortunately there have been too many romantic movies, books and songs written about undying instant love, and couples getting together quickly, romantically and living happily ever after.I am not saying this isn’t possible – but it certainly is not probable, and if you have ever been narcissistically abused then it is TOTALLY not worth the risk of EVER falling into an instant relationship in the future.

The truth is if what has presented to you is a real relationship, then absolutely it will stand the test of time, and you are narc-proofing yourself by taking your time.This is not about being paranoid; it is about being a mature, sensible and healthy adult.
Someone who moves very quickly to secure you into a relationship and / or a sexual connection is not someone who is sensible or mature themself and is not being mindful about the long term implications of a relationship.It is obvious they are also not concerned with empathy for you – in regard to the long term consequences of a relationship.Such as ‘I don’t want to rush things before I am really sure, and play with this person’s heart and emotions. I want to be really sure, so I don’t unnecessary hurt this person or myself.’Rushing, which of course includes love bombing are all the signs of instant gratification which narcissists are famous for (I need energy / attention / drama / stuff now and quickly to avoid my inner demons and tortured true self.)Anyone who puts their heart on their sleeve immediately, or asks you for a committed relationship after one date (or even a few), or starts showering you with intense and incredible compliments straight away is VERY suspect.

This is NOT what normal healthy adults do.
When a narcissist is in the courting phase of securing narcissistic supply, he or she thrusts all available energy at the target of new narcissistic supply. The narcissist is full of energy, excited, and very forthcoming with future dreams and plans (which of course are everything you want to hear). Energy, gifts, compliments, effort, charms, talents and emotions are lavished on the new target.The narcissist is a chameleon. He or she is able to mould, shape-shift and become anything that you want him or her to be. The narcissist has no real dreams, passions, preferences and certainly no real human values. Everything that the narcissist has crafted in his or her life has been for one reason only which is to secure narcissistic supply.This is why so many people report that the narcissist seemed to have the exact same viewpoints, goals, future dreams, values and aspirations as themselves. All of this was false, the narcissist actually has no identity for him or herself, the narcissist steals identities to know he or she exists.You need to know the narcissist is a pathological liar. If he or she is speaking, or writing an email or text you have absolutely no way to know whether or not the information is a lie. The narcissist is engulfed by an all pervasive False Self – which means this person is a phony – through and through.
What you can be sure of is every statement the narcissist makes – true or false (which is totally irrelevant to the narcissist) – is driven by the all-consuming need to acquire and contain narcissistic supply.You need to GET REAL, this person showering you with compliments and attention does not even know you.
He or she has no idea until getting to know you whether or not you would make a good partner (which is exactly what you should be thinking as well) and this due-diligence takes time. It necessitates getting to know someone first (as a friendship first) to ascertain and build a healthy synopsis from.The truth is narcissists aren’t worried about all the details of a long-term relationship. A narcissist is simply concerned with securing narcissistic supply as quickly as possible.For some reason you fit this bill. You have great positive energy – which the narcissist can drain, you are attractive and intelligent – which is a good fit for the narcissist’s ego to show off, you fall for the narcissist’s charms – which means you will easily provide the narcissist with sex, you are successful and have resources – which the narcissist can start extracting from you…and the list goes on and on.These are the things that make the narcissist exert his or her pathological laser like focus to do whatever it takes to secure you into a relationship – and as quickly as this can take place.Being a narcissist and securing reliable and steady sources of narcissistic supply is exhausting, and his or her energies must secure a payoff and quickly.For the narcissist it is about filling the need now, and making you as dependent as possible of him or her, so that he or she can extract narcissistic supply for as long as the narcissist chooses to.Subconsciously (at least) narcissists know their relationships fall apart and are doomed to fail. Therefore the long view is not important.



]Healthy Courting Behaviour

People who date healthily and who do have a True Self are not playing the game of needing instant gratification and needing to secure narcissistic supply.
They are mature and sensible enough to realise that a potential life long relationship takes time to ascertain, it takes time to get to know a person, and time to see if a love relationship could work healthily.Mature, ‘normal’ adults do not start using excessive charm, target quickly and start professing all the reasons why you are so incredible, their soul mate, how much they love you and ‘where have you been all my life’, and all the reasons why ‘you are so different from all the others’.They do not try to get in to an instant relationship with you – they take their time to get to know you.They do not start sending incredible long romantic texts (that resemble something out of a movie or book), they do not write you exquisite love notes and letters, and they do not act out ‘over-the-top’ romantic statements and surprises.Healthy mature adults may feel intense feelings of connection, but they will keep their cards to their chest for a while, they will see if these feelings are reciprocated by you, and they will play it gently and respectfully – and take their time.In stark contrast narcissists will forge ahead, put it all on the line with love bombing and even when you tell them you are not ‘where they are at yet’ (if you aren’t) will carry on love bombing, telling you they have a right to declare their undying love, and don’t respect or hear that you may need some time to catch up to their feelings of ‘love’ (which appears to be ‘real’ but of course isn’t).This is one of the surest ways you know you are with a narcissist. He or she will not back off on the love bombing if you don’t feel the same way.
The ‘romantic’ gestures, statements, text messages still continue and may even intensify.Then if you don’t cave in to it, they may try to bully you, guilt you, confuse you, appeal to your compassion, frighten you (with threats of abandonment) or use another manipulative tactic to force you into succumbing.You see a narcissist likes to win. He or she does not want to exert the force of love-bombing without securing the prize. To not win constitutes an enormous narcissistic injury. If it can’t be achieved by love-bombing, then cruel manipulation may ensue.

A non-narcissistic person, if they really wanted to develop a healthy relationship with you, would willingly back off, give you some time and respect ‘where you are at’.
 
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How to Flush Out a Narcissist When You Meet One

It is so important to not get caught up with love bombing, because being intensely idealised is one of the surest signs that further down the track you will be horrifically devalued and abused.
When you are the new source of narcissistic supply – the narcissist is high on his or her drug, and appears to be madly in love, incredibly attentive, adores you, worships you – and will tell you just how much you are adored and worshipped.
I know this can be incredibly difficult to accept at first, but you must be very clear, this love is not about ‘you’ as a person – it is about you being a supplier of the drug – narcissistic supply. It was never about you, it was always point blank about the narcissist ONLY.You were simply an object dispensing narcissistic supply, and in the early days you supplied it in great measure. Partially due to the fact that you felt so loved and adored by the perfect partner that you had wanted all your life, and because the narcissist is so ‘high’ on ‘what a fantastic source of supply you are’.

Non-narcissistic people know this as ‘feelings of obsession’ (even if we don’t want to admit it). To the narcissist it is TOTALLY about getting the DRUG – narcissistic supply.

Beware of someone asking you intense inner and personal questions.

Beware of the words “I want to know everything there is to know about you”.

This is a definite red flag especially when coupled with love bombing.

Narcissists enmesh, they ensnare, engulf and bond intensely and quickly. Any information derived from you is to know how best to control you as a source of narcissistic supply. And the narcissist will use this information mercilessly in the future to exact punishment on you when you are not maintaining his or her False Self sufficiently.

What you will find out down the track is just how important narcissistic supply is, and how unimportant you are in comparison.

You will discover the narcissist will lie, cheat and use any pathological method to get it and secure it. You will discover that when the narcissist is no longer having his or her ego stroked by you, that the brand of narcissistic supply will now become how much the narcissist can affect you, create fear, paranoia and pain within you, (negative attention serves the narcissist the same as positive attention) – this is when the narcissist will use projection to label you as all the things that he or she does not take responsibility for (lying, adultery, abuse, selfishness, manipulation, etc).

Where does ‘love’ come in to it now?

It doesn’t – the fact is it never did.

You will also discover that the narcissist will not hesitate to replace you with other sources of narcissistic supply, or seek ones out on the side if the drug you are providing is not up to scratch. (And it never can be consistently because the pathological False Self is never sufficiently appeased for any durable length of time).

So this is the awful eventuality if you end up with a narcissist – and the chances are if someone is love bombing you – this is EXACTLY what you are signing up for.

I believe in love – absolutely and so should you. But ONLY with mature, real people who actually do have a True Self and are capable of being real love.

So how do you know that someone is the real deal?

Watch and listen. Have you heart open, but be very sensible. Don’t fall for gushing and love bombing statements, or ostentatious favours, offering of gifts, assistance and over-the-top romantic compliments.

Make the remark and be firm about it “It’s far too soon to be saying / offering that, you don’t even know me, and I don’t know you”.

Make it clear that you are in no hurry to enter a relationship and you would like to get to know someone first. Do not allow someone to sweep you off your feet, and force their way in to your life, bed and heart.

If the person attempting to do this does NOT HEAR YOU and pull up, and refrain from doing it – GET AWAY and STAY AWAY.

A few weeks (or even months) of spending time with someone – without having sex – and without making a commitment to be in a relationship is one of the healthiest moves you could ever do. If this person is keen and a genuine love connection with this person is possible – they will ABSOLUTELY respect your decision – and they will NOT continue to love bomb you with attention and adulation.

If this person is real and mature they will wish to walk this sensible line anyway.

If you meet someone who agrees to take their time with you – and you know they are present, able to be by themself, and don’t show signs of being in side relationships with others (which narcissists usually do) then this is a great sign that you are engaging with someone who is a True Self.

Obviously you need to have done enough work on yourself to not be needy (partners of narcissists are notoriously prone to ‘dependencies’), and to not be so empty or lonely that you want to rush things, and to not fear that this person will run off with someone who they can hook up with much quicker.

Anyone who has been narcissistically abused knows the gamble of letting someone enmesh with them quickly – and how in reflection the narcissist preyed on your vulnerabilities to make you dependent on him or her so that you could be targeted and snared for narcissistic supply, which of course set you up for soul-shattering abuse.

I know exactly how hard it is to get out – despite suffering the horrific devaluing and discarding episodes. Especially when dealing with an altruistic narcissist, I remember saying “If only this could change it would be perfect!”Please understand a love relationship with a narcissist is merely an illusion, it was never real, and it is never going to be.I hope this article has helped you get clear, and realise what was really taking place when you met the narcissist, and how to be very clear about people who use love bombing on you in the future.
 
New Topic Authentic And Narcissistic Relationships – What Is The Difference?

Lately I have been asked this question a lot – “What does an authentic relationship look like as opposed to a narcissistic relationship?” I freely admit that when I was involved in narcissistic relationships I too was very confused, and in fact I struggled to be clear about what a real, healthy relationship looks like, and what it is comprised of.After a great deal of healing on myself, a lot of shifting of my unhealed parts, a lot of research and a lot of study – eventually and fortunately, what a healthy relationship looks like became crystal clear to me and this is what I would like to share with you in this article today.This information, I know can help you – because it will allow you to know what an authentic relationship is really about, and most importantly who you need to be in order to create an authentic relationship.By learning what a healthy relationship is this will allow you to know what to work on in order to prepare for a healthy relationship and how to create a relationship with life and yourself in order to attract who will meet you at this high vibrational level.

I previously recommend Gary Zukav’s Book Spiritual Partnership. This book lays a wonderful foundation to understand that your responsibility in a relationship is to take full ownership of working on your unhealed parts (as Gary calls them ‘the frightened parts of your personality’). This means spiritually growing and presenting yourself as healthily as possible as your half of a genuine soul partnership.This is all about being prepared to focus on going within – taking responsibility for your painful triggers and old subconscious stories and being committed to your personal and spiritual growth to heal past these wounds.
If you are not committed to personal growth your half of the relationship is going to suffer, because there is no arena like an intimate relationship where your unhealed wounds are going to surface the most. These unhealed parts are your responsibility – not your partner’s.Also we need to deeply remember – the relationship we attract into our life will reflect back at us those unhealed parts.Don Miguel Ruiz’s wonderful book Mastery of Love is a very similar message. If you haven’t read this book either I also highly suggest it.

Today in this article I would like to take the journey deeper by granting more information and making the vast distinctions between an authentic relationship model and a narcissistic relationship model.

To do this effectively I will segment certain aspects of relationships.Connection – Authentic RelationshipAuthentic relationships celebrate two individuals as being separate entities. This relationship is not enmeshed, it is not energy reliant, and it is not co-dependent. It comprises of two individuals who are emotionally healthy and separate.For die-hard romantics this may be disappointing. You may wish to be engulfed in ‘the love of your life’, ‘the person you can’t live without’ or ‘the person you can’t stop thinking about’.

The reason this doesn’t constitute a healthy relationship is that there is no psychic or emotional space. When psychic and emotional boundaries get enmeshed this means I stop seeing you as ‘you’, and you stop seeing me as ‘me’. This is the place where boundaries, respect and reverence become blurry and confused.

It is important to understand this: It is the ‘space’ between two people in which passion, connectedness, true intimacy, deep sharing, love, support and trust can breathe, grow and occur.Without this space – enmeshment, engulfment, unhealthy expectations and dependencies get created. The relationship is smothered and stunted. It significantly runs the risk of forgoing the respect of separate identities and can become toxic.

The most enmeshed co-dependent relationships which ironically initially seemed so gloriously ‘loving’ are the ones at greatest risk.If I see you as ‘you’ and you see me as ‘me’ then when we come together, we retain ourselves, we respect and have reverence for each other (healthy boundaries) and we create a third entity – the relationship. This relationship does not involve a power struggle of needing each other’s energy, threatening our own energy, pulling on it, diminishing it or draining it.The third entity – the relationship – breathes back life into us as individuals and the energy of us as healthy and ‘full’ individuals breathes life and passion back into the relationship.
 
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Connection – Narcissistic Relationship

A relationship with narcissist is one of enmeshment and engulfment. The relationship did not develop over time with two healthy self-fulfilled people retaining their interests and creating a healthy third entity (the relationship) at a respectful and healthy pace.If we were to think of two separate circles retaining a great amount of their integrity and then meeting in the middle to create a third ‘circle’ that is the model of a healthy relationship.The visual drawing of a relationship with a narcissist is both circles being enmeshed together as ‘one’ and then the circle of the non-narcissistic person gets less and less as the narcissistic individual’s circle takes over.It is very important to understand both parties in a narcissistic relationship are co-dependent. The narcissist is in fact the most ‘co-dependent’ of the two.

The narcissist needs your energy, approval and attention (narcissistic supply) to emotionally survive, and this is the greatest driving force for a narcissist to enter a relationship. It is actually the greatest driving force that consumes the narcissist all day every day.The narcissist does not see you as ‘you’ or allow you to have space emotionally to be an individual. You will be manipulated, controlled and punished to be what the narcissist wants you to be in order to hand over the narcissistic supply that the narcissist’s False Self craves.The victim falls into this energy engulfment and believes that finally this person is the answer to every relationship requirement. The narcissist presents themselves as everything the victim desperately needed but feels they may not be able to provide for themself.The narcissistic / co-dependent relationship is a connection of seeking external energy and power. ‘I need energy from the outside in order to feel whole and worthy’. People who believe in all-consuming idealised love, or are needy for this version of relationship are highly susceptible.Psychic, emotional and physical space gets taken up and permeated. The narcissist has to enmesh with you at this level to read you and control you. Despite the uncomfortableness of being love-bombed or other warning signs that present with the narcissist, such as exposure of pathological lies, or other sources of supply (previous and still existing partners) appearing and protesting, you allow it.
As everyone knows who has been through an intense relationship with a narcissist, the idealising (being glorified by the narcissist as his or her new wonderful source of narcissistic supply) is inevitably followed by the devaluing and discarding of you when you no longer feed the insatiable requirements of the False Self appropriately.

Respect and boundaries become null and void and the pathological and vengeful nature of the narcissist destroys trust. Connectedness and real intimacy (which never actually existed) is disintegrated time and time again.

The relationship becomes a power struggle of survival, obsession, toxicity, addiction and destruction. Your energy is being sucked out of you, and your character twisted and turned as you suffer immense character assassinations and pathological projections.

You are severely diminished, and it is impossible to know where you, the narcissist and or ‘the relationship’ begins or ends. It is a toxic engulfed, pathological, enmeshed mess. The relationship disintegrates rather than grows.Completely absent is the authentic relationship connection model: The relationship grows from the energy of the individuals, and the individuals grow from the energy of the relationship.

Allowing Others to Be Themselves – Authentic Relationship
Authentic relationships do not need to make the other person be a certain way in order for the other partner to be happy.

In an authentic relationship if you are having a bad day, I don’t need to change your mood in order for me to be okay. If I try to fix you to make me feel better or feel you will take it out on me if I don’t fix you, then either I am controlling you or you are controlling me.
In an authentic relationship I can honour you enough to allow you to process and do what you need to do in order to look after you, and you honour yourself and me enough to take the responsibility to do that.Neither person needs to suffer in the meantime.

Allowing Others to Be Themselves – Narcissistic Relationship

A relationship with a narcissist is all about the narcissist controlling you to administer narcissistic supply in order for him or her to feel better. Initially this is the giving to get – to draw the attention of how wonderful you believed the narcissist is.Later when you are not dispensing the right supply to uphold the pathological version of the False Self as all important, wonderful, above reproach, special, unique and omnipotent, you will be severely , maliciously and vengefully punished. This then grants the version of narcissistic supply that allows the narcissist to know he or she is important enough to shatter your emotions and your life.You will discover that you are often, if not virtually always, the scapegoat and held responsible for the narcissist’s bad moods. The narcissist does not take responsibility for and process healthily his or her negative emotions, and the narcissist due to his or her pathological envy has zero tolerance for you continuing to be happy in life when he or she isn’t.You certainly don’t allow the narcissist to be his or her self either. As the narcissistic pathological behaviour emerges and intensifies you become deeply embedded into the co-dependent outer-focus game. You are so unsafe, so on edge and so emotionally dishevelled that you retaliate with controlling behaviour trying to frantically change what the narcissist is or isn’t doing in order to stop the abuse and emotionally survive.Completely absent is the authentic relationship model: Not needing the other person to be a certain way in order to be happy.

Emotional Authenticity – Authentic Relationship
In authentic relationships individuals do not look to the other person and try to ‘read them’ or ‘diagnose them’ in order to decide how to ‘show up’ in order to get the best effect. This equates to handing over one’s power, and / or seeking to manipulate situationsIn authentic relationships individuals present with emotional authenticity. They are committed to non-violent communication with integrity. They are honest about how they feel and take 100% responsibility for how they feel. They express this to their partner authentically.How this looks is: if I am upset with something you did I can state ‘I feel (the feeling) when you (what you did) could we (offer a solution)?’ This is done rather than bottling and not expressing it until it reaches a point where I express hurt at an inappropriate intensity or in an unacceptable way, or simply expect you to know what is going on with me without being emotionally authentic.Authentic relationships create true intimacy as a result of being committed to emotional authenticity. By me expressing my emotions honestly it grants you the opportunity to meet me at this high vibration of truth and connectedness. Because I honour my feelings enough to know they are valuable and worth expressing, this grants you the invitation to value my emotions too and wish to support them.If you accept my invitation of this high frequency of ‘In To Me See’ (intimacy) you can meet me at a heart level of integrity and love. You are not playing a guessing game with me; you can trust me and know who I truly am. You are inspired to grant me compassion and support in this vibration of ‘realness’.No longer are we in a mental head struggle, we are connected through our hearts, and don’t need to argue or agree on semantics and details in order to connect.I can only be emotionally authentic with you if I am emotionally authentic with myself. I can only be real with you about my feelings and my heart if I have learnt to love and accept and value myself unconditionally, including my vulnerable and painful feelings.
It is only people who have worked at their inner development who can be at this level.
This is the level of: “I no longer fear being rejected and abandoned when showing up as the real me (flaws and all).”
 
Emotional Authenticity – Narcissistic Relationship
You can’t see the narcissist as him or herself because the narcissist is showing you a False Self, a fictitious character assigned to extract narcissistic supply. When you do see the real person you recoil in horror at the maiming, persecuting, insecure, vengeful malicious being who you thought was ‘the love of your life’.In a relationship with a narcissistic individual the narcissist is always reading you and diagnosing your behaviour (body-language included), in order to know how best to lie, manipulate, feign or control in order to gain narcissistic supply – and is firmly committed to not showing up authentically.The narcissist hides frenetically what is really going on with him or her, until the mask drops and it is blatantly obvious. At those times these painful thoughts and feelings are not expressed in self-ownership or integrity – they are projected and scapegoated by the fiercely defending False Self.The narcissist firmly believes that his or her vulnerable parts (true emotions) are totally unacceptable and will lead to rejection and abandonment if exposed, and this does not allow the narcissist to engage in honest emotional communication. The narcissist rejected and abandoned his or her True Self long ago, hence why a False Self was created instead.The narcissist will tell you a completely different version of reality and then blow up and accuse you of all the reasons you are not good enough for his or her False Self. These accusations were never previously raised by the narcissist with integrity as emotionally authentic needs.You never know one moment to the next what the narcissist is thinking, and / or capable of – and the truth is, because of the narcissist’s disowned True Self, neither does the narcissist. The intensity and inappropriateness of the blow ups and attacks from the narcissist constitute malicious and violent communication.This is where you have to be really honest with yourself and take your responsibility for self.
You are also not in emotional integrity. You dismissed many warning signs early on that triggered you and you did not speak up. This means you weren’t solid enough to express your emotions authentically either. You decided to push uncomfortable feelings aside and hope for the best, rather than put any strain on the fantasy you wanted to believe this relationship was.When you do get really truthful with yourself and your own self-healing inner processes, you will understand that you too were running your own versions of fear of abandonment and rejection if you fully and truthfully exposed your True Self and showed up authentically.This means you can realise that your essential personal growth requires doing the inner work of fully loving and accepting yourself, and every part of you including your own uncomfortable and not so great feelings so that you can be authentic to yourself and in relationships.Within a narcissistic relationship the more abused you become the more and more difficult it becomes for you to express your emotions appropriately and operate in emotional authenticity – or to even know and believe you have emotional rights and value. The intensity of expressing your feelings will be manic and quite possible deranged as a result of the mind-bending abuse.Communication within the narcissistic relationship model is the arena where the dysfunctions are the most highly apparent, and within this model of disordered communication trust, authenticity and intimacy is shattered.Completely absent is the authentic relationship model: Both individuals showing up with emotional authenticity and healthy non-violent communication.

Personal Responsibility – Authentic Relationship
In an authentic relationship I can leave you to work on your inner stuff, and I don’t take responsibility for it. I don’t try to fix you, and I don’t accept your projections of it on to me. I take full responsibility for my 50% of the relationships (my unhealed parts and triggers), and I let you take responsibility for your half. I know I can’t heal you – I know only you can heal you – and I encourage and promote you in your self-empowerment and self-responsibility to do so.I support and love your journey of ‘going within’ just as I love my own.I meet you with love, respect, support and care when you come to me with emotional authenticity, just as I invite you to as well – and I know that authentic love means pulling me up with integrity if I don’t.In authentic relationships people are going to slip up at times, absolutely – but no longer is the goal about controlling and ‘getting’, or materialism, survival or projection and self-avoidance – it is about a deep commitment to spiritual goals and personal growth and creating the most joyous, real, passionate level of deep integrity, trust, love and intimacy possible.The slip ups and continued healing and taking responsibility are all a part of that. As each challenge is healed with personal responsibility and emotional authenticity the promise of love, trust and connection grows even deeper.

Personal Responsibility – Narcissistic Relationship
In a relationship with a narcissist – he or she is not committed to working on inner wounds.The narcissist will not drop the False Self in order to honestly meet the unhealed wounds, and may use therapy, books or suggestions to get some relief in order to gain energy for the False Self to reinstate itself again as ‘business as usual’.Therapy with a narcissist is also a way for the narcissist to discredit the partner, project blame and create more control – or simply play out the ‘telling of want you want to hear’ to keep you as narcissistic supply.

You may also not be taking responsibility for working on your unhealed parts. You are in survival mode, you are trying to combat the rug being pulled out from beneath you at a moment’s notice, the being adored one moment and despised the next, and the narcissist always finding ways to extract supply and / or project on to you and maim you further.This is why it can be very difficult to take full responsibility for yourself until you have created No Contact and can determinedly dedicate yourself to your own healing.Completely absent is the authentic relationship model: Both individuals taking full responsibility for their own unhealed parts and their half of the relationship.

Self-Love and Self-Value – Authentic Relationship
An authentic relationship is a relationship where each individual values and loves themselves and has done enough personal development to firmly understand. In authentic relationships what this means is there is no longer the neediness to get attention, to be appreciated, to be ‘fed’ the good feelings that an individual is not creating for themself – and holding the other person responsible for.Authentic relationships do not ‘give’ because it is expected, demanded or to offset the fear of abandonment, rejection or disapproval if they don’t. Giving is not done in order to get energy back.Authentic relationships supply appreciation, love, support and care as a natural expansion of sharing energy.In authentic relationships both individuals have done enough development work on themselves to be ‘In-Love’ before connecting to a relationship.What being ‘In-Love’ means is to have done an inner journey, looked within and established ‘What is it within myself that is blocking me off from being and experiencing true authentic love?’‘ and then clearing those inner blocks.What this focus creates is a powerful vibration of being imperfectly perfect – meaning – ‘I unconditionally love and accept myself wounds and all, and I am committed to working on healing these wounds in order to become the best, most loving and authentic person I can be.’This is what the journey of creating self-love and self-value is all about.It is the internal creation of authentic love which then can be shared in an authentic relationship. This doesn’t stop when the authentic relationship shows up.

Self-Love and Self-Value – Narcissistic RelationshipThe narcissist rather than loving and valuing him or herself is filled with intense self-loathing and toxic shame, and is dependent on outside energy to offset emotional self-annihilation.Whilst in a relationship with a narcissist, your levels of self-love and self-value are also terribly deficient. You don’t love and honor yourself, desperately hoping that the ‘perfect partner’ will return. You, just like the narcissist, have made another person responsible for your emotional wellbeing. You are hanging on to try to reclaim the person who was showering you the energy which made you believe you were lovable and valuable. Both you and the narcissistic are self-avoiding – not taking responsibility for self-love and self-value – and instead looking to the outside for it and power struggling over it.Completely absent is the authentic relationship model: Two people who embody self-love and self-value.

How To Create an Authentic Relationship
1) Take full responsibility that authentic love starts with yourself and turn your focus determinedly inwards to yourself.
2) Clean up your fearful and painful inner programs that are still connecting you to painful and non-authentic choices, behaviour and relationships.
3) Make it your absolute mission to show up with total emotional authenticity in every area of your life, and have no attachment or expectations as to what others do with this

http://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/difference-between-authentic-and-narcissistic-relationships/
 
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NewTopic Trauma Bonding
why do you attract disordered people. No you do not have a pick me sign on your forehead:lol:

Trauma Bonding – Number 1 – Stockholm Syndrome
Stockholm syndrome has been widely documented, and proven to be a very real deal. The conditions of narcissistic abuse are ripe to create this phenomenon.Firstly the victim feels that they cannot escape the relationship, this is for the reasons of not wanting to shatter the glorious dream of ‘what this relationship is meant to be’, the loss of lifestyle, finances, security, children’s wellbeing etc., or because of the very real threat of how disastrous life may become when trying to leave and inciting a narcissistic injury within the narcissist, which inevitably brings revenge and destruction.Therefore, automatically the roles have become prisoner and persecutor. The prisoner’s wellbeing depends heavily on how the persecutor is treating her or him on a daily basis. The prisoner knows that there is a very real threat of cruelty and pain being inflicted by the narcissist, and therefore will try to minimalise the torture, by firstly focusing a great deal of attention on ‘the enemy’, and then trying to find a heartfelt connection with the narcissist to procure nicer treatment.The narcissistic becomes the deliverer of good or bad treatment, and when good treatment comes, there is so much hope and relief that the pain is going to end that the victim focuses on the good times, and ‘conveniently’ numbs out the bad times – even dismissing them.The good times are so much about relief, and I can breathe again, and the danger is over for now – that they feel like intense joy, love and appreciation.Victims who suffer Stockholm syndrome within narcissistic abuse are significantly detached from the real world around them, and are instead enmeshed in the narcissist’s demand, emotions and tormented world.This often happens as a result of self isolation preferred by the victim, regarding loss of self-esteem, deep inner shame, and the not wishing to confront the outer world which is full of questions regarding the victim’s apparent reclusive behaviour and disconnection from previous interests, friends and family – as well as, of course, the narcissist’s wrath for having any interests that don’t pertain to the narcissist.Stockholm syndrome feels like ‘love’, as it is a deep attachment to another person for emotional and literal survival.No different to a child trying to instinctively cling to, grant attention to, love and inspire kindness and security from an abusive parent.

TraumaBonding – Number 2 – Cognitive Dissonance
Cognitive dissonance occurs when there is tension created as a result of two opposing thoughts. A simple real life example is the thoughts ‘I want to stay home and relax, but I’d really like to meet up with friends tonight.’In order for a person to be able to comfortably accept their choice without anxious feelings of having made the wrong decision (the lingering of inner shame) –a justification for the choice has to be created. Such as ‘It’s totally okay to honour myself, and not meet up tonight – I owe it to myself to relax. If I’m okay with that they will be too.’In the case of narcissistic abuse, the thoughts of ‘This is abusive and unbearable and I need to get out of this relationship, are in total contrast with ‘I have to stay and make this work.’
In order to ease the inner anxiety of having made the wrong choice, justifications have to be fabricated to offset the inner knowing of horrific abuse.These justifications are ‘stories’ such as ‘I know she loves me, and she’s doing her best – it’s just that she had a horrible childhood’, or ‘I know this relationship is meant to be, and I am going to stay and see it through’, or worse still ‘He really is a great guy, it’s me with all the problems, and I know I make him like this’, or ‘If I love him enough, I know I can heal him’ or ‘I’m the only person that understands her. I can’t leave her, it’s my duty to stay and love her with everything I have.’In order to rectify the cognitive dissonance of narcissistic abuse, huge overcompensations of reasons to stay have to be created in order to offset the deep inner shame of accepting and enduring abuse.These justifications have to be powerful enough to seem real to the victim, and they serve to create even greater feelings or attachment, devotion and love.
 
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Trauma Bonding – Number 3 – Repetitive Compulsion Disorder
I have written before about this very real phenomenon in my eBooks, and it is definitely worth mentioning again as one of the key elements of trauma bonding.Narcissists are unpredictable in nature. The dealing out of random and conflicting abuse and support creates heightened anxiety and addictive state within their victims.The example I like to use to explain this disorder is what happens to lab rats when they have a button, which releases food pellets, that is set on ‘random’. Normally the rat knows how many times to push the button to receive his meal, and is very content with that.However, when the button becomes unpredictable and unstable the rat goes into a frenzy pushing the button until the floor of the cage is littered with pellets. He is more interested in staying ‘hooked on’ pushing the button than attending to his own self care.The rat is addicted to pushing the button (trying to get it to act predictably), just as a gambler is hooked to a poker machine, and just as a narcissistic abuse victim is hooked on trying to gain stable, sane, and safe behaviour from the narcissist.When life is ‘dangerous’ with any hope of ‘relief’, our psychological and emotional survival wiring compels us to hang on, and put all our energy into finding relief from the danger. Manic fear and pain reigns until the euphoric relief of the situation presents.If the button was re-set to a standard number of pushes the rat relaxes again, yet if the button was taken out of the cage, the rat would suffer survival panic.If the addicted gambler wins a jackpot, she experiences temporary relief that she has won back her money lost, yet if she is removed from the poker machine before winning, she will find a way to get back to a machine as soon as possible.If the narcissist attends to your needs, apologises and acts like he or she has reformed, you feel incredible relief and that you have been removed from the war-zone. Yet, when the narcissist leaves the scene and is no longer reassuring you, you suffer severe separation anxiety that can feel akin to a heroin addict deprived of the next fix.Repetitive compulsion disorder creates intense addiction anxiety, which can only momentarily be relieved by ‘jackpots’, but never takes long for the anxiety to reach an intense peak again – and of course when we don’t know better, we think these feelings of I can’t live without you and I can’t think about anything but you are ‘love’.

Trauma Bonding – Number 4 – Peptide Addiction
With all of the survival fears, powerlessness and anxieties taking place, a great deal of neuro- peptides, resulting from your disturbed, fearful and unstable thoughts, are manufactured in your hypothalamus (chemical manufacturing plant of our brain) and are distributed into your blood stream and received by the cells of your body.Our cells get addicted to the peptides they receive powerful doses of, and then physiologically we get addicted to getting more of these peptides, which the narcissist triggers within us regularly.This creates feelings of I need his attention, I need his validation, I need his approval, I need his support, I need his love, I need him to provide me with some RELIEF and eventually just like a drug addict licking the crumbs off the lounge room rug, we will try to get any amount of the narcissist’s energy regardless of how damaging and soul destroying it is.What we don’t realise, in our obsessive quest for relief, that it is the pain and intensity of the dramatic highs and lows that the cells of our body have become addicted to.We have become a helpless addict, and our drug dealer is the narcissist. He or she is dispensing regularly our body cells’ drug of choice – narcissistic abuse.The thought of breaking away from the narcissist of course, at this level, feels unthinkable, and impossible to do.And of course, we mistake it for ‘love’.

Trauma Bonding – Number 5 – Infantile Regression
In times of intense trauma it is common to regress back to your most instinctual learnt behaviour in order to try to survive. This is the clinging of a child to the ‘parent’ you believe is powerful and able to provide some sort of relief to the trauma at hand.What happens when the closest person that you perceive as a source of support happens to be a cruel and abusive narcissist?

The answer is ‘No difference’, because you have already formed powerful attachment and addiction bonds that want to create this person as your saviour.By reading all the prior information on this blog – now you can understand why.Infantile regression is powerful, unconscious and a primitive survival program that operates at the very core of your being. Your maturity and self-reliability goes out the window, and is replaced by utter childlike helplessness.In this state you believe that you will literally die if you do not agree with the narcissist, take the blame, do anything to keep the peace, and grant everything the narcissist wants in the primitive hope that the onslaughts will stop and you will be allowed by the narcissist to avoid complete emotional annihilation.Your rights are completely withdrawn by yourself and numbed out in your need for survival.The perverse twist to this is that you have now surrendered your soul to the narcissist and idolised this person as ‘Your God’, who has the ultimate power to dictate your fate.Then when the narcissist ‘allows’ you to exist again, your idolisation becomes the pathological survival belief: This person is the Creator of my world.What greater illusion of ‘love’ could there ever be?The truth about love that you need to travel towards is:I am the creator of my world, and I am never reliant on any specific person being that creator for me.When I am my own creator, I will reject what is not good to me, and add into my experience more of who I already am.In order to do this your focus has to come off the narcissist, and on to yourself so that you may heal from the illusions.
 
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