Warning Signs of an Abusive Relationship

[Mitre]

New Topic: How to handle Emotional difficult people.
1.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uEbxppDy9DM&list=PL34EAB295FBFBA701&index=5
2.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j0ByxQRt-ro&list=PL34EAB295FBFBA701

MEDIUM CHILL
1.When they lash out - show no anger
2.When they are nice- don't reciprocate.

Be distant and flat in both cases. When they sense they can't manipulate your reaction, they tend to leave you alone. Tell them nothing, ask them nothing, and offer vacuous pleasantries. Medium chill gives no appearance of withdrawal, so they can't accuse you of giving them the cold shoulder. You are there, you're just not present to them.Medium chill is effective because they no longer feel "safe" in their ability to generate chaos. So now you're back in control. It takes a bit of practice, as you have to learn to disconnect from them emotionally. But I've had some great success using this. t's about more than just boundaries.

To put it in simpler terms, it's a two-parter with a specific attitude:
(1) never share personal or private information on yourself;
(2) never get involved in their problems/drama;

(attitude) pleasant, modest, implacably calm-- never showing anger or compassionate involvement; paying attention but not too much attention- while NEVER violating items one or two. Remember, a person can only use information they know about you to find your hot buttons and use it against you if they're highly manipulative (like so many BPDs are). So don't let them know your hot buttons.

Does your Border line Personality Disorder/Narcissist pick fights with you when something is wrong with him/her? Then by being a dull listener, they'll get bored and move on to someone they have a greater effect upon. I swear, it really does work.Are you unwittingly giving them the road map to figure out what you're sensitive about, so they can exploit those things later on to make YOU upset when THEY are upset but can't deal with those emotions on their own like a healthy adult?Are you offering advice or help with only the best of intentions? Well, if things go wrong, and they CAN'T blame themselves as part of BPD, who do you think they're going to blame? Are you just putting yourself in the line of eventual fire without realizing it?

If they're angry and they get you angry, then they can successfully transfer the emotions they can't cope with onto you (projection).

If they're angry and lashing out, they get relief from their inner turmoil by getting YOU upset. So don't ever show yourself getting upset. If they're upset and they can make you upset too, their goal has been achieved. I swear, as it worked for the other poster, it worked for me too-- my BPD mother rather quickly would see who was the most active listener and turn her energies there. I was no longer a means to an end; she no longer got relief from her inner pain by making me feel pain too. Of course, one of my physical boundaries was to not do a one-on-one meeting with her again in non-public places; this played very well into medium chill. There's always someone more unenlightened and more of a sucker than you that they target instead. It might be an unfortunate still-enmeshed family member; it might be the waiter. But the point is, it will NOT BE YOU.

Likewise, don't especially share their joys when they're on a high. If they come to view you as a confidente/soulmate, who do you think they're going to turn to when their rage is highest and they need to foist it off onto someone else?
It's all about disengaging from playing into the BPD dynamic. We often talk about boundaries around here, like only speaking once a week on the phone, or not staying overnight in their houses, or a host of other physical actions of restraint…"

Practice extinction burst

Because when you try to implement boundaries and take care of yourself you will most likely see an increase in bad behavior because the BPD sufferer isn't getting the response they expect. The fact that you aren't responding as expected leaves them confused and frustrated. You've changed the rules by not giving your typical response. Because you're not giving them what they want, they will increase their bad behavior to try to get the response they are used to. Things get worse before they get better. Why? Because someone who suffers from BPD needs to feel in control. They are used to dumping all of their negative emotions onto you. If you aren't there to take it from them, then they are left dealing with it themselves - not an easy thing for them to do.

To get you to re-engage with them, they will increase the bad behaviors. If they previously raised their voice, now they will yell. If yelling doesn't work, they will make threats. If threats don't work, they may use intimidation. They are increasing their anger out of sheer frustration, hoping to get you to back down and give them what they want.
The escalation of their tactics "is" the extinction burst...their last attempt at getting their way - it is their expression of frustration before they come to accept that you mean what you say.

If we are prepared going in ahead of time then we won't be surprised and we can stay strong enough to withstand the increase in pressure, knowing that it is them testing our resolve to not give in.

 

[Mitre]

New Topic: Healing 1-Personal power

1.I can assert my own needs and rights.I will so do without justifying, without long winded explanations, and because I know I deserve to have rights. If people in my space do not have the resources to respect these rights then they are not a match for me. People with the resources to be real and respectful will enter my reality instead.

2.I can say “No”.When I say “No” I no longer mislead myself and others by saying “Yes” when I don’t want to. I no longer carry resentment, and I no longer feel drained. By stating a well-placed “No” I now have the energy to state “Yes” and live it as truth, doing a wonderful job with what is true for me and others. If people don’t respect my “No” then they are not a match for me.

3.I will give when appropriate and to people who take responsibility for themselves. I will no longer give to others who are not in their power, and enable their poor behaviour and lack of accountability by taking responsibility for them. I will no longer be blamed for their downfalls. I acknowledge that when I give to others who don’t have the resources to give to themselves, it equals ‘how to lose’, because they don’t have the resources to give genuinely to anyone, let alone me. Therefore I will give to myself first and then outpour my giving when appropriate, knowing I also deserve to receive.

4.I will stop feeling guilty and taking the blame. I will be clear and understand what is ‘my stuff’ and what ‘your stuff’ is, and I will take responsibility for my stuff, and allow you to process your stuff. I will no longer hand my power over as an attempt to avoid criticism or abandonment.

5.I will accept that there are many people in the world with different values and levels of morality.I will align with people who have values compatible with my own, and leave alone people who have values I find unacceptable. I love everyone and everything unconditionally and bless and allow everyone’s journey regardless of what that may be.

6.When I know who I am, and believe in myself I know what anyone else thinks of me is none of my business. Everyone is entitled to their opinion, and their version of me does not change the way I feel about myself. There is no need to change anyone’s opinion in order to feel safe. I am free to be myself, and attract and create more of me.

7.I know that I am capable of being in my True Centre regardless of where others may be. I can assist if asked, and if it’s safe and appropriate to do so. I can allow people to be ‘down’, ‘sad’, ‘angry’ etc, and know that my energy does not have to suffer as a result.

8.I know that no-one is responsible for my life and my well-being, because I am. If a person is not a match, or does not have the resources to add to my definition of happiness and well-being – then I am betraying myself by trying to force them to be my ‘script’ for them. No-one has the power to hurt me, unless I allow them to.

9.I am the creator of my life, and I have the resources and truth within me to combine with life in order to make my life work.And so it is! I have no right to invade other people’s lives in order to change or fix them to the version that I believe they should be.My life is my job, and I can allow others to be whoever they need to be, and then decide whether or not this is my reality.

10.If I fight with an abuser, and try to stop the abuse by staying in the abuse, I am abusing myself. If I was standing in the path of an avalanche, I would get away and take myself to safety. I affirm that I will do the same if being abused.

11.I understand that knowing and implementing boundaries is vital and is my job.I will no longer hand my self, energy and resources over to the detriment of myself. If people don’t respect my boundaries, and try to force me to give up my own energy and rights, then they are not a match for my reality. People that respect my boundaries and have the resources to honour me, as I honour myself, will be my reality.

 

[Mitre]

New Topic:
Mirroring how the narcissist loves
http://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/is-the-narcissist-capable-of-loving/

When we examine the narcissistic model there are several things we can benefit from understanding. Firstly the narcissist is a no-self. What that means is that a narcissist needs mirroring. He or she needs energy from the outside from someone else to confirm that he or she exists.This means the narcissist is very capable of putting him or herself last and putting everyone else first in order to receive attention, praise, approval and worthiness.

It’s also important to understand that the narcissist will perform such acts knowing that he or she feels false, and is constructing these acts of generosity with agendas connected to them. The narcissist is very capable of feigning concern, empathy, compassion, love, support and tenderness. These agendas are all centred around receiving the supply that the False Self requires to maintain the image of being ‘lovable, worthy and special’.

To try to gain the inner ‘fullness’ that the narcissist is incapable of creating or maintaining for him or herself. Naturally these hits of supply wear off, and need to be pursued again, again and again. It’s important to know that you cannot believe in anyone who displays severe narcissistic behavior as you would a non-narcissistic person – when this person looks you in the eyes and declares (as if from the bottom of their soul) how much he or she loves you.A narcissist is capable of the malicious pathology of declaring undying love and commitment to his love partner, and simultaneously being able to declare identical scripts to other individuals in order to secure sex, attention or significance. The words themself are meaningless, it’s the results which are important to the narcissist.

The next important point to understand is regarding the narcissist’s sense of entitlement. His or her sense of entitlement is generated from the False Self. The False Self demands obedience without question. It needs to be unique, adored and agreed with. When an intimate other does not follow the constructed script of what the False Self requires to be maintained, then the narcissist can change from ‘the adoring soul mate’ into the ‘ruthless persecutor’ on a dime.Now comes the inevitable bout of ‘I love you NOT’.The defence mechanisms of the narcissist’s personality, as well as his or her neurological brain-wiring, are firmly set to defend the image of the False Self fiercely and jealously. Any threat for the constructed False Self is dealt with harshly, vengefully and vindictively.The incredibly heart-breaking and frustrating part of it for intimate partners is the narcissist has not expressed what his or her internal pain is about before the eruption occurs. The love partner is completely blind-sighted.The truth of the matter is the narcissist has neither the emotional resources nor the desire for intimacy (the narcissist inherently believes ‘If you really see in to me you will see how defective, unlovable and unworthy I really am’) trust or connection to supply his or her partner with honest or vulnerable (real) emotional information.Nor does the narcissist have the emotional intelligence to take any responsibility for his or her atrocious reactions. Narcissists are never accountable.It’s actually not personal – the narcissist simply cannot fathom beyond ‘You must pay for not agreeing with my False Self’. In fact the narcissist is fixated on punishing you for ’How dare you do this!’Until aware the abused love partner perceives the following: one minute there is a person ‘loving’ me like no other – and then at a moment’s notice this same person has turned on them, looks at me and speaks to me with pure contempt and is using whatever tool he or she has to maim me the most.This attack may occur as a result of the slightest critique, comment or glance (often unintended) – or not enough ‘approval’ being granted in a particular moment, whereby the narcissist flies into the vengeful rage of defending his or her False Self. Maybe the ‘trigger’ was ’harbouring’. The narcissist experiencing inner pain bubbling about something you did in the past (that you believed was previously resolved – otherwise how could this person be so happy and in love with you?) which the narcissist assigns (again) as the reasons for his or her original inner unresolved and unhealed wounds (rather than dealing with them).If your greatest fear is abandonment the narcissist may threaten to break off or will end the relationship. If the withholding of affection hurts you the most, the narcissist will ice you out for days. He or she intimately knows and uses the weapon which will punish you the most for not obeying the narcissist’s one true master – his or her False Self.

If you ask for accountability, try to set boundaries, or state your rights, you will be accused of everything the narcissist is doing (and more), gas lighted and punished with lies and third party allies, and then smeared to anyone who will listen to the narcissist.The narcissist will hit back harder…The walking on broken glass has begun as you tip-toe around these horrendous episodes, and you are supposed to cower into the submission of serving the bottomless, unrealistic and unhealthy expectations of the narcissist’s False Self – which above all else means never to question, critique or threaten his or her self-constructed mirage of ‘perfection’ or ‘specialness’ in any way.

Beware of these warning signs to avoid getting involved with an altruistic narcissist:

1) Anyone who professes how important romance is, how they have an incredible amount to give in love, and how they want a partner who can love them as much as they can love. Especially if this person worships the concept of ‘unique and idealised love’.

2) An ex-partner appearing on the scene, especially if this ex-partner freaks out about the narcissist having you as a new partner and starts declaring that a relationship still exists, he or she is still having sexual contact etc. Do NOT just accept your new partner’s excuses to discredit this information. Usually where there is smoke there is fire. Altruistic narcissists need attention, adoration and usually sex. They cannot bear being alone. Another emotional / sexual hookup in the wings is very likely.

3) The self-promotion of being generous, giving and caring. Generous, giving and caring people just are. They certainly do not have to grandstand it and sell it as: ‘This is the wonderful partner that I am and could be for you.’

4) An abusive and/or unavailable relationship with his or her parents. Especially if the abuse was present between the age of 0 – 6.

5) Any expression such as ‘I want to own you heart’ (or your soul). This is not a declaration of healthy love; it is one of narcissistic possession, entitlement and control.

 

[Mitre]

New Topic
Why Do Abusive People, Especially Men, Fear Abandonment
http://www.longhaircareforum.com/showthread.php?t=681527


Quote:
Originally Posted by vtoodler

Mitre

Really? What makes you say that? How do you know that sociopaths and narcissists don't fear being alone or abandoned?

MY REPLY
TRUE SELF or SELF is defined as the feeling aspect of the body
FEELING: sadness, joy, hurt, pain, anger...feelings are sensations in the body that you sense when something is going on in the body.
EGO is define as the sense of self eg I am sad. the ego is the I the conscious part of the self
FALSE SELF is a defense designed to protect the True Self by hiding it.

My reply was based on what I have read and discuss with psychologist. The psychopathic personality type consider themselves superior to other people and have somewhat of a contempt for humanity. Like narcissist their deny their feeling. This lack of feeling make the psychopathic personality type hard to treat. The narcissistic characters have a very grandiose ego image... They are the the BEST at everything. Now if they are the best then you their target have to be the worst. They often use opposite they are good you are bad they are smart you are stupid... Narcissist are completely out of place in the world of feeling and do not know how to relate to other humans. The emotions they display are rage and something else. The bottom line is that the narcissist and the psychopath cannot feel feeling. When you leave them they may sense that they are losing power and control. For narcissist control serves the same function as power it protect them from humiliation. A narcissist control himself by denying himself feeling. Denial of feeling protected him from parental humiliation, abuse, and intrusion as a child. To maintain sanity that chid had to deny his feeling his SELF and make up a false SELF. The borderline personality type also project an image like the narcissist of success, competence and command to the world. In contrast to the narcissistic characters this facade or false self crumble under emotional stress and tHe helpless and frighten child within Is reveal. The borderline character can connect to self however when they come into contact with their self they start acting like a child hence their fear of abandonment.
The narcissist are not ever connect to their self instead they are connect to a false self which was created by the narcissist. When you leave the narcissist he get upset because you won you are not suppose to win since he is always the winner. In order for you not to be the winner he must destroy you so you can lose. By dissociating the ego from the body or self the narcissist sever consciousness from its living foundation. The ego is incapable of creating a feeling. That is also why a narcissist individual can never love you he is not connected to his self. Without the approval and admiration from others the narcissist ego the false self become deflated for it is not connect to self. When you leave a narcissist you are taking away narcissistic supply (attention) from him and he become threaten and will attack you as though his life depends on it. If the narcissist does not get this narcissistic supply he might go insane that is his sense of reality will lessen to maintain his reality he need narcissistic supply (good or bad attention).
The psychopathic are more grandiose than the narcissist and they tend to act out eg they lie,cheat ,steal, are alcoholics, fraud... even kill without any sign of guilt or remorse. Acting out is an impulsive behavior that ignores the feelings of others and is destructive to the best interest of the SELF. They action is taken without conscious feeling. The narcissist and sociopath do not really need others in the human sense what they need is their ego to be stroked, they need attention, they crave narcissistic supply. He could care less about you as an individual.
Again projecting and maintaining a false image prevents feelings from reaching consciousness and conflicting with the false image. Thus protecting them from feeling childhood feeling of pain, guilt, fear, abandonment, sadness, hurt etc. An abusive man will beat a woman out of anger and blame it on the woman rather than his anger why? ... Because he cannot feel feeling thus he will justify his action by his image he is projecting. Idk I am an alpha male who would not tolerate disrespect. Also since these feeling are no longer part of the equation this allow cluster b personalities to be vindictive,abusive,destructive... to others since they are insensitive to other feeling as well. To feel other people pain you must be able to feel pain yourself. These people have no empathy or low levels of empathy thus reducing people to non human entities or inanimate objects.

Sent from my ...

 

[Mitre]

New Topic The ego's use of defence mechanisms
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Defense_mechanisms

When anxiety becomes too overwhelming, it is then the place of the ego to employ defence mechanisms to protect the individual. Feelings of guilt, embarrassment and shame often accompany the feeling of anxiety.

Level 1: Pathological
The mechanisms on this level, when predominating, almost always are severely pathological. These six defences, in conjunction, permit one to effectively rearrange external experiences to eliminate the need to cope with reality. The pathological users of these mechanisms frequently appear irrational or insane to others. These are the "psychotic" defences, common in overt psychosis. However, they are found in dreams and throughout childhood as well.They include:
1.Delusional: Projection Delusions about external reality, usually of a persecutory nature.
2.Conversion: the expression of an intrapsychic conflict as a physical symptom; some examples include blindness, deafness, paralysis, or numbness. This phenomena is sometimes called hysteria.[19]
3.Denial Refusal: to accept external reality because it is too threatening; arguing against an anxiety-provoking stimulus by stating it doesn't exist; resolution of emotional conflict and reduction of anxiety by refusing to perceive or consciously acknowledge the more unpleasant aspects of external
4.Distortion: A gross reshaping of external reality to meet internal needs.
5.Splitting: A primitive defence. Negative and positive impulses are split off and unintegrated.
6.Extreme projection: The blatant denial of a moral or psychological deficiency, which is perceived as a deficiency in another individual or group.

]Level 2: Immature
These mechanisms are often present in adults. These mechanisms lessen distress and anxiety provoked by threatening people or by uncomfortable reality. Excessive use of such defences is seen as socially undesirable in that they are immature, difficult to deal with and seriously out of touch with reality. These are the so-called "immature" defences and overuse almost always leads to serious problems in a person's ability to cope effectively. These defences are often seen in major depression and personality disorders.
They include:
1.Acting out: Direct expression of an unconscious wish or impulse in action, without conscious awareness of the emotion that drives that expressive behavior.
2.Fantasy: Tendency to retreat into fantasy in order to resolve inner and outer conflicts.
3.Idealization: Unconsciously choosing to perceive another individual as having more positive qualities than he or she may actually have.[20]
4.Passive aggression: Aggression towards others expressed indirectly or passively such as using procrastination.
5.Projection: Projection is a primitive form of paranoia. Projection also reduces anxiety by allowing the expression of the undesirable impulses or desires without becoming consciously aware of them; attributing one's own unacknowledged unacceptable/unwanted thoughts and emotions to another; includes severe prejudice, severe jealousy, hypervigilance to external danger, and "injustice collecting". It is shifting one's unacceptable thoughts, feelings and impulses within oneself onto someone else, such that those same thoughts, feelings, beliefs and motivations are perceived as being possessed by the other
6.Projective identification: The object of projection invokes in that person precisely the thoughts, feelings or behaviors projected.
7.Somatization: The transformation of negative feelings towards others into negative feelings toward self, pain, illness, and anxiety.

]Level 3: Neurotic
These mechanisms are considered neurotic, but fairly common in adults. Such defences have short-term advantages in coping, but can often cause long-term problems in relationships, work and in enjoying life when used as one's primary style of coping with the world.They include:

1.Displacement: Defence mechanism that shifts sexual or aggressive impulses to a more acceptable or less threatening target; redirecting emotion to a safer outlet; separation of emotion from its real object and redirection of the intense emotion toward someone or something that is less offensive or threatening in order to avoid dealing directly with what is frightening or threatening. For example, a mother may yell at her child because she is angry with her husband.
2.Dissociation: Temporary drastic modification of one's personal identity or character to avoid emotional distress; separation or postponement of a feeling that normally would accompany a situation or thought.
3.Hypochondriasis: An excessive preoccupation or worry about having a serious illness.
4.Intellectualization: A form of isolation; concentrating on the intellectual components of a situation so as to distance oneself from the associated anxiety-provoking emotions; separation of emotion from ideas; thinking about wishes in formal, affectively bland terms and not acting on them; avoiding unacceptable emotions by focusing on the intellectual aspects (e.g. isolation, rationalization, ritual, undoing, compensation, magical thinking).
5.Isolation: Separation of feelings from ideas and events, for example, describing a murder with graphic details with no emotional response.
6.Rationalization(making excuses): Where a person convinces him or herself that no wrong was done and that all is or was all right through faulty and false reasoning. An indicator of this defence mechanism can be seen socially as the formulation of convenient excuses - making excuses.
7.Reaction formation: Converting unconscious wishes or impulses that are perceived to be dangerous or unacceptable into their opposites; behaviour that is completely the opposite of what one really wants or feels; taking the opposite belief because the true belief causes anxiety. This defence can work effectively for coping in the short term, but will eventually break down.
8.Regression: Temporary reversion of the ego to an earlier stage of development rather than handling unacceptable impulses in a more adult way. (ex. Using whining as a method of communicating despite already having acquired the ability to speak with appropriate grammar)[21]
Repression: The process of attempting to repel desires towards pleasurable instincts, caused by a threat of suffering if the desire is satisfied; the desire is moved to the unconscious in the attempt to prevent it from entering consciousness;[22] seemingly unexplainable naivety, memory lapse or lack of awareness of one's own situation and condition; the emotion is conscious, but the idea behind it is absent.[citation needed]
9.Undoing: A person tries to 'undo' an unhealthy, destructive or otherwise threatening thought by acting out the reverse of unacceptable. Involves symbolically nullifying an unacceptable or guilt provoking thought, idea, or feeling by confession or atonement.
10.Withdrawal: Withdrawal is a more severe form of defence. It entails removing oneself from events, stimuli, interactions, etc. under the fear of being reminded of painful thoughts and feelings.

]Level 4: Mature
These are commonly found among emotionally healthy adults and are considered mature, even though many have their origins in an immature stage of development. They have been adapted through the years in order to optimize success in life and relationships. The use of these defences enhances pleasure and feelings of control. These defences help us to integrate conflicting emotions and thoughts, whilst still remaining effective. Those who use these mechanisms are usually considered virtuous.They include:
1.Altruism: Constructive service to others that brings pleasure and personal satisfaction.
2.Anticipation: Realistic planning for future
3.Humour: Overt expression of ideas and feelings (especially those that are unpleasant to focus on or too terrible to talk about) that gives pleasure to others. The thoughts retain a portion of their innate distress, but they are "skirted round" by witticism, for example Self-deprecation.
4.Identification: The unconscious modelling of one's self upon another person's character and behavior.
5.Introjection: Identifying with some idea or object so deeply that it becomes a part of that person
6.Sublimation: Transformation of negative emotions or instincts into positive actions, behaviour, or emotion. (ex. Playing a heavy contact sport such as football or rugby can transform aggression into a game)[23]
7.Thought suppression: The conscious process of pushing thoughts into the preconscious; the conscious decision to delay paying attention to an emotion or need in order to cope with the present reality; making it possible to later access uncomfortable or distressing emotions whilst accepting them.

 

[Mitre]

New Topic: Cluster B personality disorder
Cluster B: The Dramatic, Emotional, Erratic Clusterhttp://www.mentalhelp.net/poc/view_doc.php type=doc&id=41557&cn=8
Cluster B includes Borderline Personality Disorder, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Histrionic Personality Disorder, and Antisocial Personality Disorder. Disorders in this cluster share problems with impulse control and emotional regulation.

Neurological research studies have documented that people with Cluster B personality disorders demonstrate problematic functioning of their prefrontal cortices. Damage to this vital brain region can limit people's ability to exercise good judgment and to think their way out of negative moods. Given this data, it seems an unlikely coincidence that people with Cluster B personality disorders often report difficulty tempering their powerful emotions with rational thought, thereby making it more difficult for them to make the wisest choices. A large body of research and clinical observation additionally supports the idea that childhood experiences play an important role in the development of personality traits and personality disorders. Traumatic childhood experiences such as physical, sexual, or emotional abuse and neglect, have been identified as risk factors which increase the likelihood that a personality disorder may develop (Johnson, Bromley, & McGeoch, 2005). Other adverse experiences in childhood, such as the death of a parent, the separation or divorce of parents, the lack of parental affection, poor family communication, a harsh and controlling parenting style, or exposure to assaultive bullying, may also heighten people's risk for developing features of a personality disorder.

The Antisocial Personality Disorder* is characterized by repeated participation in illegal acts, hostile-aggressive behaviors towards others, deceitfulness, and reckless behavior[/B]. Some of these hostile-aggressive and deceitful behaviors may first appear during childhood, before age 18, such as hurting animals, or bullying and intimidating of others. When this is the case, Conduct Disorder (a juvenile form of Antisocial Personality Disorder) may be an appropriate diagnosis. Persons with Antisocial Personality Disorder typically do not experience genuine remorse for the harm they cause others, although they can become quite adept at feigning remorse when it is in their best interest to do so (such as when standing before a judge). The aggressive features of this personality disorder make it stand out among other personality disorders as individuals with this disorder take a unique toll on society.

Persons with Histrionic Personality Disorder* tend to be very dramatic and prefer to be the center of attention. People with this disorder are often quite flirtatious or seductive, and like to dress in a manner that draws attention to them. The way they express themselves tends to be exaggerated, and yet at the same time, is vague, shallow, and lacking in detail. People with Histrionic Personality Disorder often appear flighty and fickle, and while their behavioral style often gets in the way of truly intimate relationships, it is also the case that they are uncomfortable being alone. They tend to feel depressed when they are not the center of attention. When they are in relationships, they often assume these relationships to be more intimate in nature than they actually are. People with Histrionic Personality Disorder tend to be suggestible; that is, they are easily influenced by other people's suggestions and opinions. A literary character that exemplifies the Histrionic Personality Disorder is the character of Blanche DuBois in Tennessee William's classic play, "Streetcar Named Desire."

People with Narcissistic Personality Disorder* have significant problems with their sense of self-worth stemming from a powerful sense of entitlement that leads them to believe they deserve special treatment, and to assume they have special powers, are uniquely talented, or that they are especially brilliant or attractive. Their sense of entitlement can lead them to exhibit haughty and arrogant attitudes towards others and to act in ways that fundamentally disregard and disrespect the worth of those around them. Status is very important to people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Associating with famous and special people provides them a sense of importance. These individuals can quickly shift from over-idealizing others to devaluing them. However, the same is true of their self-judgments. They tend to vacillate between feeling like they have unlimited abilities, and then feeling deflated, worthless, and devastated when they encounter their normal, average human limitations. Despite their bravado, people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder require a lot of admiration from other people in order to bolster their own fragile self-esteem. They can be quite manipulative in extracting the necessary attention from those people around them.

Borderline Personality Disorder* is one of the most widely studied personality disorders. People with Borderline Personality Disorder tend to experience intense and unstable emotions and moods that can shift fairly quickly. They generally have a hard time calming down once they become upset. As a result, they frequently have angry outbursts and engage in impulsive behaviors such as substance abuse, risky sexual liaisons, self-injury, overspending, or binge eating; behaviors that function to sooth them in the short-term but harm them in the longer term. People with Borderline Personality Disorder tend to see the world in polarized, over-simplified, all-or-nothing terms. They apply their harsh either/or judgments to others and to themselves and their perceptions of themselves and others may quickly vacillate back and forth between "all good" and "all bad." This tendency leads to an unstable sense of self, so that persons with this disorder tend to have a hard time being consistent. They can frequently change careers, relationships, life goals, or residences. Quite often these radical changes occur without any warning or advance preparation.

 

[Mitre]

New Topic: How can psychopaths manipulate people if they have no empathy

Psychopathy (otherwise known as sociopathy) is a personality syndrome or condition that is used to describe people who are extremely selfish, callous, socially manipulative, and narcissistic. They have little regard for social norms or rules or ethical codes, and instead are rather hedonistically motivated; more or less doing whatever it is that feels good to them. Their interpersonal relationships are accordingly quite shallow and lacking in any real intimacy as a rule, not that the average sociopath cares all that much that this is the case. They have little regard for other people's welfare, instead regarding other people as either a means to an end, or as an obstacle. Such people can be quite predatory by nature. Due to their disregard for others, they can be quite willing to use violence against others if it suits their purpose. Outwardly, however, they may be perceived as socially skillful and charming, these being qualities based on a capacity to manipulate others, rather than a desire to join with them. Accordingly, sociopaths can make for effective salesmen, politicians and con-artists if they are bright enough to pull off the manipulations required. When they come to the attention of psychologists or psychiatrists, they will generally be diagnosed with Antisocial or Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

The classical understanding of sociopathy is that they behave the way they do in part because they have an empathy deficit; an inability to put themselves into another's shoes and feel the feelings that that other person might feel if they were to be abused or mistreated. This is not the same thing as saying that a sociopath cannot put themselves into another person's shoes. On the contrary, sociopaths can be quite skillful observers of other people's experience. They can represent how another is feeling even though they don't relate to that emotional experience in particular. Sociopaths are thought to have a leg up on other people with regard to being skillful observers and predictors of what others are thinking and feeling precisely because they aren't distracted by concerns about their own self-worth, or the reasonableness of such manipulative behavior. They freely observe how their behavior influences other people and then use this knowledge to manipulate other people into giving them what they want, whether that is money, sexual favors, or some other desirable thing. It doesn't typically trouble them that in the process of conning someone into sleeping with them, or making a sale that they might be very consciously lying to that other person. If it does trouble them, they manage to compartmentalize their discomfort so that it doesn't interfere with their instrumental and manipulative behavior.

That your John is only sincere in expressing happiness and anger is quite consistent with the above description. Anger occurs when frustration occurs, which happens when someone or something gets in his way. Happiness occurs when he gets to have the reward he is seeking at any given moment in time. Anger and happiness are emotions consistent with hedonism, is another way of saying this. You don't need to be socially invested in the lives of others to experience them. This is not the case with an emotion such as compassion, which requires a more developed and mature sense of self capable of not only representing another's experience but also investing in and relating to that experience.

It's hard to describe what it is about compassion that makes it a more advanced emotion than pure solipsist anger or happiness. I think the concepts developed by psychologist Robert Kegan are most useful for explaining what has gone wrong in social-developmental and maturity terms in the case of sociopathy. In essence, normal people start out rather narcissistic in orientation and then over time grow out of this initial perspective into a larger world in which they understand themselves to be connected to other people who experience the world in ways similar to themselves. For whatever reason, sociopaths do not progress in the normal way, but instead become developmentally delayed in terms of their social-emotional maturity. Their intelligence develops normally, however, so they appear to be normal adults, and learn to mimic a normal adult's behavior. Inside, however, their social-emotional motivation remains at about the level of development of a naturally selfish young child.

There probably is not one mechanism that creates sociopaths. Some may be born with some as yet unidentified brain defect that makes them incapable of giving a crap about how others feel. If this is the case, it is not the same time as the recently discovered mirror neurons that are thought to underlie the communication deficits characteristic of Autism and Asperger's Disorder. Sociopaths can communicate quite well, thank you. It is just that they don't learn to care that other people have feelings. A more likely candidate for a genetic basis, to my mind, is the way that children and animals differ in terms of how easy they are to punish and reward. Some kids are born easy to punish. You look at them funny and they start crying. Others are the opposite; they are hard to punish. It takes a lot of pressure and aversive circumstance to get them to comply. There is a brain basis for these sorts of differences. If a child is born with an innate tendency to be undeterred from pursuing whatever it is he or she cares about, they are going to be harder for parents to socialize properly, and less likely to be humbled enough during maturation to grasp that other people matter.

It's not all genetic, certainly. Severe abuse and violence exposure as a child is probably quite capable of arresting development on the social-emotional continuum. It's probably not the case that sociopaths are biologically incapable of feeling empathy, and more the case that due to the circumstances of their coming-up and their tendency towards hardheadedness, they don't learn to develop this capacity, but rather remain stuck in an early developmental stage. See my essay about Robert Kegan's book "The Evolving Self" for a good picture of what developmental stages these people fail to engage.

Putting this all together, I can now offer you my version of an answer for your question "how does a psychopath view the world?" More or less as a two year old would if that two year old lived in the body of an adult man or woman. Everything emotional is present but in primitive, undeveloped form. Socially advanced emotions like compassion fly over the head of a toddler and a sociopath because they require the development of a sense of self which has grown out of seeing itself as the center of the universe. Where a toddler has no intellect so to speak, an adult sociopath may have a very keen intellect. He or she uses that intellect in the service of his or her primitive, Second Order/Imperial consciousness (in Kegan's terms) which has not yet made the leap into understanding the logic of the Golden Rule: that the way I feel is highly similar to the way that others feel, and therefore I should treat others as I would like to be treated.

 

[Mitre]

New Topic How to Know if you Have Weak Emotional Boundaries

Weak emotional boundaries are amongst the most confusing of psychological issues because it is very difficult to self-diagnose weak boundaries. Because the emotional boundaries (rules, expectations, protocol) that set the stage for our relationships are initially formed when we are very young children, typically between the ages of 3-4, whichever boundaries are naturally formed become the reality within which we operate, at least until we mature enough to question it. This usually doesn’t happen until our late 20′s or early 30′s if it happens at all.

What are emotional boundaries?
Like physical boundaries, emotional boundaries define separateness. Your emotional boundaries are the property lines that separate your thoughts and feelings from those of other people. If you are confused as to where to draw the line, you cannot avoid emotional and relational troubles. It is like living in a crowded neighborhood with a lot of communal property and some private property, with residents having no idea how to distinguish one type of property from the other. Chaos ensues that has no end until the right lines are drawn, rules set and order established.

Signs and symptoms of weak emotional boundaries.
Diagnosing weak boundaries is not a physical or intellectual matter. It is a matter of knowing the inevitable signs and understanding why they occur. Like gravity, you cannot see an emotional boundary or lack thereof, but you can see and experience the results. You may live with weak emotional boundaries if:
1.You’re easily overwhelmed emotionally. This can happen if you don’t instinctively know where to draw the lines of emotional responsibility between self and other. You may be carrying the burden of others’ emotions for which you aren’t responsible. For the most part, if you are clear about where to take responsibility and where your emotional responsibility ends, you can usually manage your emotions without getting overwhelmed.
2.You are socially anxious. It is natural for someone with weak emotional boundaries to walk into a room and believe everyone notices or cares. You may even think you know what they are thinking about you, what judgments they cast and so forth. This leads to terrible self-consciousness and social anxiety. Responding as if you know what is in the minds and hearts of other people is a fundamental boundary confusion issue.
3. You seek approval. Unable to distinguish your emotions (that you can control) from the emotions of others (that you cannot control) you seek to win over others by pleasing them or casting yourself in a favorable light. Craving approval can run your life. It comes from not having the experience that you have no idea what others may be thinking and that it is not your responsibility regardless. Unable to separate your self-worth from what you believe others are thinking about you, you are highly motivated to impress.

Both the seeking approval and the socially anxious boundary issues are self-sabotaging behaviors that are derived from a rejection attachment. A rejection attachment gets triggered when we unwittingly seek out rejection from others. When we are determine, through social anxiety, to feel others are rejecting us right from the start we are, in term, rejecting ourselves. When we seek to over-please people because we fear being rejected, we are inviting rejection from them. We aren’t consciously aware this is what we are doing, yet the result proves this attachment to rejection because the result is ultimately ending in rejection. Understanding this self-sabotage allows us to make other choices on how to behave where we are no longer seeking rejection but getting what we consciously want to receive, acceptance.

If you are not clear where you end and others begin, then you may suffer from narcissism. Narcissists cannot sense their impact of their behaviors on other people because they do not understand that others’ emotions are real to them, as there is no boundary in place that distinguishes self from other. Without this understanding, you can’t imagine what other people may be experiencing and a fundamentally narcissistic point of view is the only one available to you. Boundaries may be the deepest, most confusing psychological issue we face. They influence every interaction.

Recognizing boundaries and respecting them is the basis of any health relationship. Boundaries can become clearer when we understand we have confused them. We have found boundaries issues have their root in psychological attachments. These attachments show themselves in self-sabotaging behaviors such as the ones explained above.

Sent from my ...typo machine

 

[Mitre]

New Topic Narcissistic Men and Borderline Women
http://www.psychforums.com/borderline-personality/topic114642.html

Long before I knew what Narcissists and Borderlines were, I, as a Narcissistic Man, was attracting, and attracted to, Borderline Women. It's like there's a magnet between Narcissists and Borderlines; like, if each of them are in a room at any given time, they'll be drawn together. I've read a little bit about why this is, and it seems to have something to do with N's and B's being compatible when it comes to how they give and receive love and intimacy. But maybe others around here can enlighten me further on this.

I must admit great confusion by some of your words. Are you dx'd NPD or just realize you have many traits? A true narcissist cannot give love and, even if the capacity for it were there, the narc super-ego would never allow intimacy which would be observed as weakness to the N. Narcissists are egotistically committed only to their own well-being so I doubt this could ever really occur; it would directly violate the belief they have of themselves. People who violate that same belief are discarded like trash so how could an N ever do that to themselves?

People who are "loved" are seen no differently than an object that currently has value solely because it is usefulness. As your stories illustrate, the moment those people weren't of use as you had hoped (aka "you sensed the danger"), you quickly discarded that 'object' and carried on looking for something useful. The "love" (purposely placed in quotes) isn't anything emotionally-based; it's pathological. It has everything to do with the N acquiring supply that reinforces their grandiose sense of self and their feeling of entitlement and absolutely nothing to do with the object/person as a unique entity.

The dynamic between a BPD and an N is quite simplistic while also being incredibly complex.

My understanding of it that the N usually projects their grandiose sense of false identity towards everyone they meet. A BPD, who lacks their own identity, is likely to quickly respond to that overpowering identity and idealize it because it is literally a steroid-version of what the BPD wishes they had. "How wonderful it must be to have so much confidence and strength; to have no vulnerabilities or weakness; to not be burdened by emotions and fear" is something I could imagine echoing in the mind of someone with BPD.

BPD's, naturally questioning their own worthiness, would certainly feel they gain immense worthiness by having that magnificent Narc ego-projection in their lives. And this is where the toxic 'fun' begins....

You only hold value to an N if you are a supply. BPD's feel they hold little if any value by default. Many came from environments (many times with an N parent or one with BPD and N traits) where they were taught that love is a currency; it must be earned. They were rewarded with some twisted concept of love anytime they behaved in a manner which suited their issue-plagued caretakers. Other time they were rewarded with nothing at all or punished for meeting those same demands, causing a fractured sense of what love actually is and reinforcing a fear that they may not be deserving of it since the twisted concept of it was not consistently rewarded under identical circumstances.

How convenient this early training is to a narcissistic partner! Someone else has already done all of the damaging "schooling" and all that N partner need do is simply reinforce what the BPD has already known (or believed) since childhood. Let the games begin!

N partners have a vast toolbox of abusive and manipulative psychological tricks at their disposal and some take great pride is using everything they have.

Despite symptoms of BPD causing difficulties in securing it, those afflicted truly want real intimacy and unconditional love. A healthy partner can offer that, but those things are also incredibly triggering to A BPD - particularly when they hold the belief that love is earned and they they might not deserve them. The experience becomes uncomfortable, confusing and terrifying as intimacy actually forms with that healthy partner. Luckily, an NPD cannot offer that. Instead, an N offers conditional tolerance - something many BPDs are all too familiar with thanks to those tragic childhood environments.

Where a healthy partner will want to discuss emotions and give value to how their BPD partner feels, an N cannot be bothered with such weakness. It disgusts them! For someone with BPD, a partner who cares how they feel, when they themselves may not know if the emotion has a valid, rational source, can be scary because discussing that, if they are capable of it, opens themselves up to potential direct invalidation by a person they deeply care for. Thankfully the N doesn't give a crap how they feel so there is little fear of potential invalidation when everything with the N is invalidation and it only subsides, temporarily, when they continue conforming to the supply desired by the N.

In order to maintain supply, the N behaves no differently than the unhealthy person(s) who originally traumatized the pwBPD did; withholding distorted concepts of "love", punishing them, gas-lighting, blame-shifting, projecting, etc. to ensure the BPD continues to conform with whom they must pretend to be in order for the Narc to feel the supply is met and that their grandiose self of self is reinforced by the BPD.

Sadly, this is often all the BPD knows instinctively (due to that childhood environment) so it's often feels more comfortable and safe than something healthy, where all those same negative beliefs and teachings are challenged on a regular basis. Additionally, the triggers of intimacy and love are non-existent in these toxic relationships.

The lack of object permanence and all-or-nothing thinking that plagues those with BPD actually benefits an N or any person offering a toxic style relationship because it can easily be used against the BPD for the personal gain of the toxic partner.The core shame of BPD is exploited on a regular basis with the goal of creating the ultimate submissive play-thing who will continue trying to EARN love that will never get by offering endless supply.

Unfortunately it's very difficult for BPD's to identify the toxicity in those relationship when so much of the issues are shifted onto them in a manner that reinforces their core beliefs/fears. And because of the psychology involved in the manipulations and how it caters to the BPD's issues, those relationships are difficult to really end (plus the N wants their play toy so they'll likely continue to "ping" the BPD for months or years just to play some more).

Not sure if a relationship between an N and a B can ever work out. In a way, it seems like it might be a lot more fulfilling than a relationship between an N and a Non, or a B and a Non, because N's and B's are so ready made for each other. But it's just so tumultuous that I'm not sure it's healthy.

An NPD/BPD "relationship" (again, nothing close to the definition of an actual, healthy relationship) typically last LONGER than that of a Non/BPD due directly to the level of dysfunction which support the disordered beliefs they carry. Sure, there may be many, many breakups and also many, many recycles of the relationship which would never occur with a healthy partner.

I like how you say "because N's and B's are so ready made for each other." That could not be a more narcissistic thing to say! LOL. An B is ready made for narc supply, yes. But the only thing the B will ever get from that relationship is additional trauma - which could be enough to prevent them from ever healing from BPD.

Also, an N wouldn't make it more than a few weeks (in which they pretend) with a healthy partner. The tricks used on hurting, insecure and/or disordered people would get you kicked out the door in a heartbeat. People with self-respect won't tolerate that for more than a few moments and that differs with tolerance of a BPD partners behaviors because there can be real connection/intimacy and a healthy partner will attempt to work with that for a limited period.

(When discussing your shame) Only share with people who have earned the right to hear your story.

 

[Mitre]

New Topic Histrionic Personality Disorder
http://www.psychforums.com/histrionic-personality/topic14023.html

Personality disorders, though, are rigid, inflexible and maladaptive, causing impairment in functioning or internal distress. A personality disorder is an enduring pattern of inner experience and behavior that deviates markedly from the expectations of the individual's culture, is pervasive and inflexible, has an onset in adolescence or early adulthood, is stable over time and leads to distress or impairment.

Individuals with Histrionic Personality Disorder exhibit excessive emotionalism--a tendency to regard things in an emotional manner--and are attention seekers. Behaviors may include constant seeking of approval or attention, self-dramatization, theatricality, and striking self-centeredness or sexual seductiveness in inappropriate situations, including social, occupational and professional relationships beyond what is appropriate for the social context. They may be lively and dramatic and initially charm new acquaintances by their enthusiasm, apparent openness, or flirtatiousness. They commandeer the role of "the life of the party". Personal interests and conversation will be self-focused. They use physical appearance to draw attention to themselves. Their style of speech is excessively impressionistic and lacking in detail. They may do well with jobs that value and require imagination and creativity but will probably have difficulty with tasks that demand logical or analytical thinking. The disorder occurs more frequently in women though that may be because it is more often diagnosed in women.

Symptoms
Constantly seeking reassurance or approval
Excessive dramatics with exaggerated displays of emotion
Excessive sensitivity to criticism or disapproval
Inappropriately seductive appearance or behavior
Overly concerned with physical appearance
Tendency to believe that relationships are more intimate than they actually are
Self-centeredness, uncomfortable when not the center of attention
Low tolerance for frustration or delayed gratification
Rapidly shifting emotional states that appear shallow to others
Opinions are easily influenced by other people, but difficult to back up with details

Diagnostic Evaluation
A diagnosis can be made by knowing the patient's history and by doing a psychological examination.Individual displays five or more of the following criteria:

1.Is uncomfortable in situations in which he or she is not the center of attention
2.Interaction with others is often characterized by inappropriate sexually seductive or provocative behavior
3.Displays rapidly shifting and shallow expression of emotions
4.Consistently uses physical appearance to draw attention to self
5.Has a style of speech that is excessively impressionistic and lacking in detail
6.Shows self-dramatization, theatricality and exaggerated expression of emotion
7.Is suggestible, that is, easily influenced by others or circumstances
8.Considers relationships to be more intimate than they actually are.

The word histrionic originates from the Latin word for actor, histrio, and means dramatic or theatrical. Histrionics are addicted to attention and admiration use overly dramatic behavior to earn attention as well as to distract people from their own lack of emotion. If they act theatrical and move with overt gestures, people will fail to notice that their supposed emotions fail to reach their eyes; displays of affection seem for dramatic effect rather than genuine. Of the Cluster B disorders histrionics are the most sexually overt and provocative.

Sex is their tool, weapon and livelihood and they are highly skilled in its use as a distraction from their deficiencies, but they are an emotionally barren robot.

This is not to say they are not capable of having emotions. A characteristic of HPD is excessive emotionality. At times this is a distractive facade, but histrionics lack the ability to understand feelings and respond with situationally appropriate emotions, their tendency toward shallow emotions and romantic fantasy may be symptomatic of this deficiency.

Though thrill may be in the chase the histrionic cannot handle rejection and will accept the breakdown of a relationship only when she is the initiator. Acceptance and validation of a relationship may cause her to panic and devalue the person of interest, activating abandonment triggers. Histrionics feed their esteem through relationship games, living for the chase, losing interest once they catch their prey, but they are unable to tolerate rejection interpreting moving on as rejection and triggering when a target moves on it triggers a histrionic's feelings of rejection and worthlessness and she must fueling excessive emotionality and a need to re-conquer the person to regain her feelings of worth. This results in a relationship cycle of multiple break-ups and fits well with the high-drama of mid life crisis (MLC).

Histrionics obtain narcissistic supply through sexuality and will unlikely be able to sustain monogamy and may become chronic infidels. They may interpret a jealous romantic partner as evidence that he cares and thus may be motivated to make a partner jealous as a test of devotion; rationalizing that if he likes her he will stay with her, regardless of her betrayals. In a similar rationale a married man who is interested in a histrionic boosts her sense of superiority by risking or leaving his marriage to be with her.

The end goal for a histrionic is not to get the guy and have a relationship; the purpose in all her actions is to bring attention to herself and maintain it. She evaluates herself competitively against others and requires superior judgment for her to consider herself of value. For this reason she may select friends who she considers beneath her.

Important Differentiating Points
1.The histrionic personality seems like the narcissist or antisocial in that she is bold, initiating communication or contact, but she is like the borderline in her excessive emotionality and need for approval through relationships; she seeks attachment and acceptance, whereas the narcissist or antisocial initiate communication and contact but avoid intimacy in relationships.

2.But a histrionic's excessive emotionality is a cover-up for her lack of understanding of emotions; some histrionics may have diminished empathy or lack it altogether as is the case with NPD.

3.When ignored or not receiving enough attention, histrionics may obsessively attempt to draw attention to themselves. This is because they feel they are nothing without attention, not merely that they are unimportant without notice; receiving attention provides them with proof of their existence.

4.In this attribute and motivation they are like the narcissist, but histrionic seek attention by using their physical attributes whereas narcissists may be either somatic like the histrionic or cerebral.

5.Because they rely on their physical attributes for narcissistic supply, they are also obsessive-compulsive regarding their physical fitness and appearance. Their self-esteem depends on the approval of others and does not arise from a true feeling of self-worth and the only way they know to gain approval is through their physical attributes.

6.The difference with narcissist is that though they require notice to prove their existence, they do not require approval; they seek attention in positive or negative form.

 

[Mitre]

New Topic Borderline Personality Disorder
1http://www.borderlinepersonality.ca/borderbpd.htm
2http://www.psychforums.com/borderline-personality/
3http://outofthefog.net/Disorders/BPD.html

What is BPD
Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a mental health disorder that generates significant emotional instability. This can lead to a variety of other stressful mental and behavioral problems.With borderline personality disorder, you may have a severely distorted self-image and feel worthless and fundamentally flawed. Anger, impulsiveness and frequent mood swings may push others away, even though you may desire to have loving and lasting relationships. If you have borderline personality disorder, don't get discouraged. Many people with this disorder get better with treatment and can live satisfying livesWhen you have borderline personality disorder, you often have an insecure sense of who you are. Your self-image, self-identity or sense of self often rapidly changes. You may view yourself as evil or bad, and sometimes you may feel as if you don't exist at all. An unstable self-image often leads to frequent changes in jobs, friendships, goals and values. Your relationships are usually in turmoil. You may idealize someone one moment and then abruptly and dramatically shift to fury and hate over perceived slights or even minor misunderstandings. This is because people with borderline personality disorder often have difficulty accepting gray areas — things seem to be either black or white.

Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is listed in the American Psychiatric Association’s Diagnostic & Statistical Manual (DSM) as an Axis II, Cluster B (dramatic, emotional, or erratic) Disorder:A pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image, and affects, and marked impulsivity beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. [Not including suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5]
2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.
3.Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.
4.Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, promiscuous sex, eating disorders, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating). [Again, not including suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5]
5.Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior.
6.Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)
7.Chronic feelings of emptiness.
8. Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights).
9. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms.


Signs and symptoms of borderline personality disorder may include:
1.Impulsive and risky behavior, such as risky driving, unsafe sex, gambling sprees or illegal drug use
2.Awareness of destructive behavior, including self-injury, but sometimes feeling unable to change it
3.Wide mood swings
4.Short but intense episodes of anxiety or depression
5.Inappropriate anger and antagonistic behavior, sometimes escalating into physical fights
6.Difficulty controlling emotions or impulses
7.Suicidal behavior
8.Feeling misunderstood, neglected, alone, empty or hopeless
9.Fear of being alone
10.Feelings of self-hate and self-loathing

Complications
Borderline personality disorder can damage many areas of your life. It can negatively affect intimate relationships, jobs, school, social activities and self-image. Repeated job losses and broken marriages are common. Self-injury, such as cutting or burning, can result in scarring and frequent hospitalizations. Suicide rates among people with BPD are high. In addition, you may have other mental health disorders, including:
Depression
Alcohol or substance abuse and dependency
Anxiety disorders
Eating disorders
Bipolar disorder
Because of risky, impulsive behavior, you are also more vulnerable to unplanned pregnancies, sexually transmitted infections, motor vehicle accidents and physical fights. You may also be involved in abusive relationships, either as the abuser or the abused.

Causes for BPD are not precisely known.
Genetics. Some studies of twins and families suggest that personality disorders may be inherited or strongly associated with other mental disorders among family members.There is a higher incidence of personality disorders in those who have parents who suffer from a personality disorder. This has led some scientists to suspect there may be a genetic link for BPD.
Environmental factors. Many people with borderline personality disorder have a history of childhood abuse, neglect and separation from caregivers or loved ones.There is some evidence relating the prevalence of BPD to the kind of environment a child grew up in. A significant percentage of people who suffer from BPD were also abused as children. However, this kind of correlation does not always prove that the environment they grew up in contributed to their own disorder.Personality is shaped both by inherited tendencies and environmental factors, as well as experiences during childhood. Some factors related to personality development can increase the risk of developing borderline personality disorder. These include:
Hereditary predisposition. You may be at a higher risk if a close family member — your mother, father, brother or sister — has the same or a similar disorder, particularly a mood or anxiety disorder.
Childhood abuse. Many people with the disorder report being sexually or physically abused during childhood.
Neglect. Some people with the disorder describe severe deprivation, neglect and abandonment during childhood.
Brain abnormalities. Some research has shown changes in certain areas of the brain involved in emotion regulation, impulsivity and aggression. In addition, certain brain chemicals that help regulate mood, such as serotonin, may not function properly.The Amygdala is a small region of the brain which plays a key role in emotional regulation, emotional memory and responses to emotional stimuli.

Borderline Personality Disorder BPD and Abuse
Bipolar Disorder BP cannot be cured it does not go away or go into remission like cancer. You dont contract it like a disease. It's a chemical imbalance of the brain and a treatable disorder with proper meds and therapy. Anger, violence and interpersonal relationship problems ARE NOT necessarily a symptom of bipolar disorder. They can point towards a manic episode, but it is possible to be manic and NOT angry or abusive and it is definitely possible to be angry and abusive and NOT experiencing mania or depression whatsoever.

Whereas BPD is a very abusive disorder and they are literally incapable of a mature relationship. Borderlines have no sense of "self" and cannot ever develop the emotions required for a healthy relationship without help. They require years of psychotherapy to try to unlearn their skewed ways of thinking and dealing with perceived threat. Only then can they start to build a sense of "self" (SEE POST #63 TRUE SELF or SELF is defined as the feeling aspect of the body) and start facing reality as it is, not how they perceive it to be. It was very confusing for the person being abuse, especially if you have never been in a hostile abusive environment. They are constantly triggered by life stressors that result in constant abusive behavior to those closest to them. Tolerating their behavior anchors their false sense of reality and enables their inappropriate actions. If your loved ones abusive behavior tends to be "triggered" by life events and not manic or depressed episodes, then it is more than likely they are suffering from borderline personality disorder than Bipolar Disorder. Be careful because psychiatrists don't like to diagnose borderline. Insurance companies dont cover borderline treatment in there plans which results in misdiagnosis due to greed and lack of understanding of the borderline disorder. Also, borderlines are viewed by many therapists as hopeless cases. The personality disorders are very hard to treat, and medication isn't the main focus. You must remember to take care of yourself. And nobody has the right to abuse you for any reason EVER. She is responsible for her own actions and never take the blame or think you did something for her immature reaction. Borderline personalties manipulate people with fear and guilt.

 

[Mitre]

New Topic Healing 2
http://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/why-i-learnt-to-embrace-my-breakdowns/?utm_source=mailchimp&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=WhyILearntToEmbraceMyBreakdowns

There are three choices you can make with the breakdown experience
1) Grab another fix, as a substitute person, addiction or thing to try to fill yourself up with feelings of worthiness or ‘being loveable’.
2) Take medication, or self-medicate with alcohol or drugs to try to numb the pain.
3) Go inside and heal the original wound so that it can be sorted, rather than try to avoid the pain from the original wound that is never going to stop presenting until you attend to it.

How to Turn Breakdowns into Breakthroughs

Don’t:
1) Look to the outside to ‘blame’ the reason for your emotional pain. This is your egoic mind taking over that is going to take you on a path away from healing yourself.
2) Do anything in the outer world before attending to your inner vibration first. If you make any decision or action from a place of fear, pain or emptiness the outer reactions and results from people and situations will MATCH and ADD MORE TO your fear, pain and emptiness.
3) Grab an addiction or a fix to fill the empty gaping hole, or emotional panic that the pain is causing. This is simply self-avoidance, and means you are signing up for ‘more of’ the same pain down the track.
4) Start mentally beating yourself up for feeling this way. This is self-rejection which only adds fuel to the ego separating you from yourself and convincing you that you are empty, unlovable and unworthy.
5) Push yourself to ignore the pain with a distraction. This is simply another way of creating self-avoidance and not healing the defunct inner belief.
6) Go into any story ‘in your head’ about the pain. Doing so causes ‘blender brain’. Your mind has no ability to rationalise, soothe or heal your emotional inner being. It simply does not have the resources.


Okay here is what you need to create your breakthrough instead.
1) Stop thinking and trying to work out the pain analytically and start feeling instead. Drop right into the pain and then say to yourself or out loud “I bless and accept this pain because it is trying to tell me something. I give myself permission to fully be in it – it is safe.”
2) Ensure you grant yourself love and support whilst feeling into your pain. Know that doing so is the MOST VITAL element of being self-love and self-acceptance to yourself. Self-love is SIMPLY this – the willingness to be with yourself (partner rather than self-reject or self-loathe) at your MOST vulnerable and insecure times.
3) Realise the outer person or situation is only a trigger. What hurts inside you is not to do with them – they have simply brought an unhealed wound that is yours to the surface for you.
4) When feeling into your pain allow yourself to be very vulnerable. You are making contact with the most scared, fearful and insecure parts of yourself. By connecting with these parts you will ‘be with them’ and can ask lovingly ‘What is this about?’ and be fully present to validate and listen. By being vulnerable and real and open with yourself (trusting yourself fully) you will get your answers.
5) At the very least process what the pain is really about by writing it out, so that you can finally realise what is genuinely causing the inner pain and the outer painful results in your life.

 

[Mitre]

New Topic BPD vs. Bipolar Disorder

Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and Bipolar Disorder are similar in that both are characterized by dramatic changes in mood. It is thought that many people who suffer from BPD are inaccurately diagnosed as having Bipolar disorder because it generally carries less stigma and is easier to treat with pharmaceuticals. However, there are also some important differences between Bipolar & BPD:

Frequency of Mood Cycles
Mood swings for people who suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder typically cycle much faster than for people who suffer from Bipolar Disorder.
1. BPD sufferers often exhibit mood cycles lasting from a few hours to a few days.
2. People who suffer from Bipolar Disorder typically exhibit mood swings lasting from a few weeks to a few months. It should be noted that some Bipolar patients are characterized or diagnosed with Rapid Cycling Bipolar Disorder which has the same symptoms as Bipolar Disorder but with a shorter cycle time.

Relationship Basis
1.People who suffer from BPD often exhibit an acute Fear of Abandonment. The mood swings a person with BPD exhibits are often attached to their fear of being left alone or their preoccupation with not being alone. Sometimes, BPD is described as a "relationship disorder" in that it manifests itself in interactions with others.
2.Bipolar Disorder tends to be less relationship-based. People who suffer from Bipolar Disorder often display cycles of mood which are more inwardly self-focused and have less to do with how they feel about the relationships they are involved in.

Dissociation
1. Borderline Personality Disorder comprises both psychotic & neurotic thought processes. This gives rise to the name "Borderline" because it is thought to be on the "borderline" between psychosis & neurosis. The thinking and behavior of a person with Borderline Personality Disorder includes more mental departures from reality, known as Dissociation or "feelings create facts".
2. In contrast, Bipolar Disorder tends to be more neurotic in that the mood swings tend to be based more on extreme exaggerations of fact.

Response To Treatment
1. People who suffer from Bipolar Disorder often respond positively to appropriate regimes of medication.
2. People who suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder may also exhibit some improvement when treated with appropriate medication but typically also require extensive therapeutic intervention such as DBT over a period of months or years in order to see comparable results.

Both groups are often reluctant to seek help and may be resistant to medication. Also, both groups have a tendency to stop taking prescribed medications when they begin to feel better which often leads to relapses

 

[Mitre]

New Topic Bipolar Disorder

The primary characteristic of Bipolar Disorder is cycles of elevated and depressed moods lasting several months at a time. Bipolar Disorder is sometimes referred to by it's old name: manic depressive disorder. There are four different types of Bipolar Disorder specified in the DSM-IV-TR as follows:

Bipolar I Disorder
Bipolar II Disorder
Cyclothymia
Bipolar Disorder NOS (Not Otherwise Specified)
Bipolar I Disorder

Bipolar I Disorder is a clinical course that is characterized by the occurrence of one or more Manic Episodes or Mixed Episodes. Often individuals have also had one or more Major Depressive Episodes.
1.Episodes of Substance-Induced Mood Disorder (due to the direct effects of a medication, or other somatic treatments for depression, a drug of abuse, or toxin exposure) or of Mood Disorder Due to a General Medical Condition do not count toward a diagnosis of Bipolar I Disorder.
2.In addition, the episodes are not better accounted for by Schizoaffective Disorder and are not superimposed on Schizophrenia, Schizophreniform Disorder, Delusional Disorder, or Psychotic Disorder Not Otherwise Specified.

Manic Episode
A distinct period of abnormally and persistently elevated, expansive, or irritable mood, lasting at least 1 week (or any duration if hospitalization is necessary).

B. During the period of mood disturbance, three (or more) of the following symptoms have persisted (four if the mood is only irritable) and have been present to a significant degree:
1.inflated self-esteem or grandiosity
2.decreased need for sleep (e.g., feels rested after only 3 hours of sleep)
3.more talkative than usual or pressure to keep talking
4.flight of ideas or subjective experience that thoughts are racing
distractibility (i.e., attention too easily drawn to unimportant or irrelevant external stimuli)
5.increase in goal-directed activity (either socially, at work or school, or sexually) or psychomotor agitation
6.excessive involvement in pleasurable activities that have a high potential for painful consequences (e.g., engaging in unrestrained buying sprees, sexual indiscretions, or foolish business investments)
C. The symptoms do not meet criteria for a Mixed Episode.

D. The mood disturbance is sufficiently severe to cause marked impairment in occupational functioning or in usual social activities or relationships with others, or to necessitate hospitalization to prevent harm to self or others, or there are psychotic features.

E. The symptoms are not due to the direct physiological effects of a substance (e.g., a drug of abuse, a medication, or other treatments) or a general medical condition (e.g., hyperthyroidism). Note: Manic-like episodes that are clearly caused by somatic antidepressant treatment (e.g., medication, electroconvulsive therapy, light therapy) should not count toward a diagnosis of Bipolar I Disorder.

Mixed Episode
A. The criteria are met both for a Manic Episode and for a Major Depressive Episode (except for duration) nearly every day during at least a 1-week period.
B. The mood disturbance is sufficiently severe to cause marked impairment in occupational functioning or in usual social activities or relationships with others, or to necessitate hospitalization to prevent harm to self or others, or there are psychotic features.
C. The symptoms are not due to the direct physiological effects of a substance (e.g., a drug of abuse, a medication, or other treatment) or a general medical condition (e.g., hyperthyroidism).

Major Depressive Episode
A. Five (or more) of the following symptoms have been present during the same 2-week period and represent a change from previous functioning; at least one of the symptoms is either: depressed mood or loss of interest or pleasure.Depressed mood most of the day, nearly every day, as indicated by either subjective report (e.g., feels sad or empty) or observation made by others (e.g. appears tearful). Note: In children and adolescents, can be irritable mood.
1.Markedly diminished interest or pleasure in all, or almost all, activities most of the day, nearly every day (as indicated by either subjective account or observation made by others)
2.Significant weight loss when not dieting or weight gain (e.g., a change of more than 5% of body weight in a month), or decrease or increase in appetite nearly every day. Note: In children, consider failure to make expected weight gains. Insomnia or hypersomnia nearly every day
3.Psychomotor agitation or retardation nearly every day (observable by others, not merely subjective feelings of restlessness or being slowed down)
Fatigue or loss of energy nearly every day
4.Feelings of worthlessness or excessive or inappropriate guilt (which may be delusional) nearly every day (not merely self-reproach or guilt about being sick)
5.Diminished ability to think or concentrate, or indecisiveness, nearly every day (either by subjective account or as observed by others)
Recurrent thoughts of death (not just fear of dying), recurrent suicidal ideation without a specific plan, or a suicide attempt or a specific plan for committing suicide
B. The symptoms do not meet the criteria for a Mixed Episode.

C. The symptoms cause clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning.

D. The symptoms are not due to the direct physiological effects of a substance (e.g., a drug of abuse, a medication) or a general medical condition (e.g., hypothyroidism).

E. The symptoms are not better accounted for by bereavement, i.e., after the loss of a loved one, the symptoms persist for longer than 2 months or are characterized by marked functional impairment, morbid preoccupation with worthlessness, suicidal ideation, psychotic symptoms, or psychomotor retardation.

Bipolar II Disorder
Bipolar II Disorder is defined as a clinical course that is characterized by the occurrence of one or more Major Depressive Episodes accompanied by at least one Hypomanic Episode.Hypomanic Episodes should not be confused with the several days of euthymia that may follow remission of a Major Depressive Episode.

Hypomanic Episode

A. A distinct period of persistently elevated, expansive, or irritable mood, lasting throughout at least 4 days, that is clearly different from the usual non depressed mood.

B. During the period of mood disturbance, three (or more) of the following symptoms have persisted (four if the mood is only irritable) and have been present to a significant degree:
1.inflated self-esteem or grandiosity
2.decreased need for sleep (e.g., feels rested after only 3 hours of sleep)
3.more talkative than usual or pressure to keep talking
f4.light of ideas or subjective experience that thoughts are racing
distractibility (i.e., attention too easily drawn to unimportant or irrelevant external stimuli)
5.increase in goal-directed activity (either socially, at work or school, or sexually) or psychomotor agitation
6.excessive involvement in pleasurable activities that have a high potential for painful consequences (e.g., engaging in unrestrained buying sprees, sexual indiscretions, or foolish business investments)

C. The episode is associated with an unequivocal change in functioning that is uncharacteristic of the person when not symptomatic.

D. The disturbance in mood and the change in functioning are observable by others.

E. The episode is not severe enough to cause marked impairment in social or occupational functioning, or to necessitate hospitalization, and there are no psychotic features.

F. The symptoms are not due to the direct physiological effects of a substance (e.g., a drug of abuse, a medication, or other treatment) or a general medical condition (e.g., hyperthyroidism).

Note: Hypomanic-like episodes that are clearly caused by somatic antidepressant treatment (e.g., medication, electroconvulsive therapy, light therapy) should not count toward a diagnosis of Bipolar II Disorder.

Cyclothymia
A. For at least 2 years, the presence of numerous periods with hypomanic symptoms and numerous periods with depressive symptoms that do not meet criteria for a Major Depressive Episode.Note: In children and adolescents, the duration must be at least 1 year.

B. During the above 2-year period (1 year in children and adolescents), the person has not been without the symptoms in Criterion A for more than 2 months at a time.

C. No Major Depressive Episode, Manic Episode, or Mixed Episode has been present during the first 2 years of the disturbance
Note: After the initial 2 years (1 year in children and adolescents) of Cyclothymic Disorder, there may be superimposed Manic or Mixed Episodes (in which case both Bipolar I disorder and Cyclothymic Disorder may be diagnosed) or Major Depressive Episodes (in which case both Bipolar II Disorder and Cyclothymic Disorder may be diagnosed)

D.The symptoms in Criterion are not better accounted for by Schizoaffective Disorder and is not superimposed on Schizophrenia, Schizophreniform Disorder, Delusional Disorder, or Psychotic Disorder Not Otherwise Specified.

E. The symptoms are not due to the direct physiological effects of a substance (e.g., a drug of abuse, a medication) or a general medical condition (e.g., hyperthyroidism).

F) The symptoms cause clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning.

 

[Mitre]

New Topic Top 100 Traits & Behaviors of Personality-Disordered Individuals
http://www.outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/Top100Traits.html

Abusive Cycle - This is the name for the ongoing rotation between destructive and constructive behavior which is typical of many dysfunctional relationships and families.

Alienation - The act of cutting off or interfering with an individual's relationships with others.

"Always" and "Never" Statements - "Always" and "Never" Statements are declarations containing the words "always" or "never". They are commonly used but rarely true.

Anger - People who suffer from personality disorders often feel a sense of unresolved anger and a heightened or exaggerated perception that they have been wronged, invalidated, neglected or abused.

Avoidance - The practice of withdrawing from relationships with other people as a defensive measure to reduce the risk of rejection, accountability, criticism or exposure.

Baiting - A provocative act used to solicit an angry, aggressive or emotional response from another individual.

Belittling, Condescending and Patronizing - This kind of speech is a passive-aggressive approach to giving someone a verbal put-down while maintaining a facade of reasonableness or friendliness.

Blaming - The practice of identifying a person or people responsible for creating a problem, rather than identifying ways of dealing with the problem.

Bullying - Any systematic action of hurting a person from a position of relative physical, social, economic or emotional strength.

Catastrophizing - The habit of automatically assuming a "worst case scenario" and inappropriately characterizing minor or moderate problems or issues as catastrophic events.

Chaos Manufacture - Unnecessarily creating or maintaining an environment of risk, destruction, confusion or mess.

Cheating - Sharing a romantic or intimate relationship with somebody when you are already committed to a monogamous relationship with someone else.

Chronic Broken Promises - Repeatedly making and then breaking commitments and promises is a common trait among people who suffer from personality disorders.

Circular Conversations - Arguments which go on almost endlessly, repeating the same patterns with no resolution.

Confirmation Bias - The tendency to pay more attention to things which reinforce your beliefs than to things which contradict them.

"Control-Me" Syndrome - This describes a tendency which some people have to foster relationships with people who have a controlling narcissistic, antisocial or "acting-out" nature.

Cruelty to Animals - Acts of Cruelty to Animals have been statistically discovered to occur more often in people who suffer from personality disorders than in the general population.

Denial - Believing or imagining that some painful or traumatic circumstance, event or memory does not exist or did not happen.

Dependency - An inappropriate and chronic reliance by an adult individual on another individual for their health, subsistence, decision making or personal and emotional well-being.

Depression - When you feel sadder than you think you should, for longer than you think you should - but still can't seem to break out of it - that's depression. People who suffer from personality disorders are often also diagnosed with depression resulting from mistreatment at the hands of others, low self-worth and the results of their own poor choices.

Dissociation- Dissociation is a psychological term used to describe a mental departure from reality.

Domestic Theft - Consuming or taking control of a resource or asset belonging to (or shared with) a family member, partner or spouse without first obtaining their approval.

Emotional Abuse - Any pattern of behavior directed at one individual by another which promotes in them a destructive sense of Fear, Obligation or Guilt (FOG).

Emotional Blackmail - A system of threats and punishments used in an attempt to control someone’s behaviors.

Engulfment - An unhealthy and overwhelming level of attention and dependency on another person, which comes from imagining or believing one exists only within the context of that relationship.

Escape To Fantasy - Taking an imaginary excursion to a happier, more hopeful place.

False Accusations - Patterns of unwarranted or exaggerated criticism directed towards someone else.

Favoritism and Scapegoating - Systematically giving a dysfunctional amount of preferential positive or negative treatment to one individual among a family group of peers.

Fear of Abandonment - An irrational belief that one is imminent danger of being personally rejected, discarded or replaced.

Feelings of Emptiness - An acute, chronic sense that daily life has little worth or significance, leading to an impulsive appetite for strong physical sensations and dramatic relationship experiences.

 

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Frivolous Litigation - The use of unmerited legal proceedings to hurt, harass or gain an economic advantage over an individual or organization.

Gaslighting - The practice of brainwashing or convincing a mentally healthy individual that they are going insane or that their understanding of reality is mistaken or false. The term “Gaslighting” is based on the 1944 MGM movie “Gaslight”.

Grooming - Grooming is the predatory act of maneuvering another individual into a position that makes them more isolated, dependent, likely to trust, and more vulnerable to abusive behavior.

Harassment - Any sustained or chronic pattern of unwelcome behavior by one individual towards another.

High and Low-Functioning - A High-Functioning Personality-Disordered Individual is one who is able to conceal their dysfunctional behavior in certain public settings and maintain a positive public or professional profile while exposing their negative traits to family members behind closed doors. A Low-Functioning Personality-Disordered Individual is one who is unable to conceal their dysfunctional behavior from public view or maintain a positive public or professional profile.

Hoarding - Accumulating items to an extent that it becomes detrimental to quality of lifestyle, comfort, security or hygiene.

Holiday Triggers - Mood Swings in Personality-Disordered individuals are often triggered or amplified by emotional events such as family holidays, significant anniversaries and events which trigger emotional memories.

Hoovers & Hoovering - A Hoover is a metaphor taken from the popular brand of vacuum cleaners, to describe how an abuse victim trying to assert their own rights by leaving or limiting contact in a dysfunctional relationship, gets “sucked back in” when the perpetrator temporarily exhibits improved or desirable behavior.

Hyper Vigilance - Maintaining an unhealthy level of interest in the behaviors, comments, thoughts and interests of others.

Hysteria - An inappropriate over-reaction to bad news or disappointments, which diverts attention away from the real problem and towards the person who is having the reaction.

Identity Disturbance - A psychological term used to describe a distorted or inconsistent self-view

Imposed Isolation - When abuse results in a person becoming isolated from their support network, including friends and family.

Impulsiveness - The tendency to act or speak based on current feelings rather than logical reasoning.

Infantilization - Treating a child as if they are much younger than their actual age.

Intimidation - Any form of veiled, hidden, indirect or non-verbal threat.

Invalidation - The creation or promotion of an environment which encourages an individual to believe that their thoughts, beliefs, values or physical presence are inferior, flawed, problematic or worthless.

Lack of Conscience - Individuals who suffer from personality disorders are often preoccupied with their own agendas, sometimes to the exclusion of the needs and concerns of others. This is sometimes interpreted by others as a lack of moral conscience.

Lack of Object Constancy - A symptom of some personality disorders, Lack of Object Constancy is an inability to remember that people or objects are consistent, trustworthy and reliable, especially when they are out of your immediate field of vision. Object constancy is a developmental skill which most children do not develop until two or three years of age.

Low Self-Esteem - A common term used to describe a group of negatively-distorted self-views which are inconsistent with reality.

Manipulation - The practice of baiting an individual or group of individuals into a certain response or reaction pattern for the purpose of achieving a hidden personal goal.

Masking - Covering up one's own natural outward appearance, mannerisms and speech in dramatic and inconsistent ways depending on the situation.

Mirroring - Imitating or copying another person's characteristics, behaviors or traits.

Moments of Clarity - Spontaneous, temporary periods when a person with a personality disorder is able to see beyond their own world view and can acknowledge and begin to make amends for their dysfunctional behavior.

Mood Swings - Unpredictable, rapid, dramatic emotional cycles which cannot be readily explained by changes in external circumstances.

Munchausen's and Munchausen by Proxy Syndrome (MBPS) - Munchausen's Syndrome is a disorder in which an individual repeatedly fakes or exaggerates their own illness or medical symptoms in order to manipulate the attentions of medical professionals or caregivers. Munchausen by Proxy Syndrome (MBPS) is a similar syndrome in which another individual, commonly a child, is substituted for the patient and made the focus of inappropriate medical attention.

Name-Calling - A form of Verbal Abuse which people sometimes indulge in when their emotional thought processes override their rational thought processes.

Narcissism - This term describes a set of behaviors characterized by a pattern of grandiosity, self-centered focus, need for admiration, self-serving attitude and a lack of empathy or consideration for others.

Neglect - A passive form of abuse in which the physical or emotional needs of a dependent are disregarded or ignored by the person responsible for them.

Normalizing - Normalizing is a tactic used to desensitize an individual to abusive, coercive or inappropriate behaviors. In essence, normalizing is the manipulation of another human being to get them to agree to, or accept something that is in conflict with the law, social norms or their own basic code of behavior.

"Not My Fault" Syndrome - The practice of avoiding personal responsibility for one's own words and actions.

No-Win Scenarios - No-Win Scenarios and Lose-Lose Scenarios are situations commonly created by people who suffer from personality disorders where they present two bad options to someone close to them and pressure them into choosing between the two. This usually leaves the non-personality-disordered person with a 'damned if I do and damned if I don't' feeling.

Objectification - The practice of treating a person or a group of people like an object.

Obsessive-Compulsive Behavior - An inflexible adherence to arbitrary rules and systems, or an illogical adherence to cleanliness and orderly structure.

Panic Attacks - Short intense episodes of fear or anxiety, often accompanied by physical symptoms, such as hyperventilating, shaking, sweating and chills.

Parental Alienation Syndrome - A term used to describe the process by which one parent, typically divorced or separated from the other biological parent, uses their influence to make a child believe that the other parent is bad, evil or worthless.

Parentification - A form of role reversal, in which a child of a personality-disordered parent is inappropriately given the role of meeting the emotional or physical needs of the parent or of the other children.

Passive-Aggressive Behavior - The expression of negative feelings, resentment, and aggression in an unassertive, passive way (for example, through procrastination and stubbornness).

Pathological Lying - Persistent deception by an individual to serve their own interests and needs with little or no regard to the needs and concerns of others. A pathological liar is a person who habitually lies to serve their own needs.

Perfectionism - The maladaptive practice of holding oneself or others to an unrealistic, unattainable or unsustainable standard of organization, order, or accomplishment in one particular area of living, while sometimes neglecting common standards of organization, order or accomplishment in other areas of living.

Physical Abuse - Any form of voluntary behavior by one individual which inflicts pain, disease or discomfort on another, or deprives them of necessary health, nutrition and comfort.

Projection - The act of attributing one's own feelings or traits to another person and imagining or believing that the other person has those same feelings or traits.

 

[Mitre]

Proxy Recruitment - A way of controlling or abusing another person by manipulating other people into unwittingly backing you up, speaking for you or "doing your dirty work" for you.

Push-Pull - A chronic pattern of sabotaging and re-establishing closeness in a relationship without appropriate cause or reason.

Raging, Violence and Impulsive Aggression - Explosive verbal, physical or emotional elevations of a dispute that are disproportionate to the situation at hand.

Riding the Emotional Elevator - The Emotional Elevator is a way of describing how people who suffer from personality disorders and those closest to them sometimes take a fast track down to different levels of emotional maturity.

Sabotage - The spontaneous disruption of calm or status quo in order to serve a personal interest, provoke a conflict or draw attention.

Scapegoating - Singling out an individual or group for unmerited negative treatment or blame.

Selective Memory and Selective Amnesia - The use of memory, or a lack of memory, which is selective to the point of reinforcing a bias, belief or desired outcome.

Selective Competence - The practice of demonstrating different levels of intelligence or ability depending on the situation or environment.

Self-Aggrandizement - A pattern of pompous behavior, boasting, narcissism or competitiveness designed to create an appearance of superiority.

Self-Harm - Self Harm, also known as self-mutilation, self-injury or self-abuse is any form of deliberate, premeditated injury inflicted on oneself, common among adolescents and among people who suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder. The most common forms are cutting and poisoning/overdosing.

Self-Loathing - An extreme hatred of one's own self, actions or one's ethnic or demographic background.

Self-Victimization - Self-Victimization or "playing the victim" is the act of casting oneself as a victim in order to control others by soliciting a sympathetic response from them or diverting their attention away from abusive behavior.

Sense of Entitlement - An unrealistic, unmerited or inappropriate expectation of favorable living conditions and favorable treatment at the hands of others.

Sexual Objectification - The act of viewing another individual in terms of their sexual usefulness or attractiveness rather than pursuing or engaging in a quality of personal relationship with them.

Shaming - The difference between blaming and shaming is that in blaming someone tells you that you did something bad, in shaming someone tells you that you are something bad.

Silent Treatment - A passive-aggressive form of emotional abuse in which displeasure, disapproval and contempt is exhibited through nonverbal gestures while maintaining verbal silence.

Situational Ethics - A philosophy which promotes the idea that, when dealing with a crisis, the end justifies the means and that a rigid interpretation of rules and laws can be set aside if a greater good or lesser evil is served by doing so.

Sleep Deprivation - The practice of routinely interrupting, impeding or restricting another person's sleep cycle.

Splitting - The practice of regarding people and situations as either completely "good" or completely "bad".

Stalking - Any pervasive and unwelcome pattern of pursuing contact with another individual.

Stunted Emotional Growth - Reluctance or inability to learn from mistakes, work on self-improvement or develop more effective coping strategies.

Targeted Humor, Mocking and Sarcasm - Targeted Humor is any sustained pattern of joking, sarcasm or mockery which is designed to reduce another individual's reputation in their own eyes or in the eyes of others.

Testing - Repeatedly forcing another individual to demonstrate or prove their love or commitment to a relationship.

Thought Policing - A process of interrogation or attempt to control another individual's thoughts or feelings.

Threats - Inappropriate, intentional warnings of destructive actions or consequences.

Triangulation - Gaining an advantage over perceived rivals by manipulating them into conflicts with each other.

Triggering -Small, insignificant or minor actions, statements or events that produce a dramatic or inappropriate response.

Tunnel Vision - A tendency to focus on a single concern, while neglecting or ignoring other important priorities.

Verbal Abuse - Any kind of repeated pattern of inappropriate, derogatory or threatening speech directed at one individual by another.

 

[Mitre]

New Topic What is the Difference Between Neurotic and Psychotic?
http://www.wisegeek.org/what-is-the-difference-between-neurotic-and-psychotic.htm

The terms neurotic and psychotic are both used to describe conditions or illnesses that affect mental health. Though neurotic and psychotic are both relative to mental health, there are differences between neurotic and psychotic conditions. The terms neurosis and psychosis are sometimes used interchangeably with neurotic and psychotic disorders.

Neurotic Disorder
A neurotic disorder can be any mental imbalance that causes or results in distress. In general, neurotic conditions do not impair or interfere with normal day to day functions, but rather create the very common symptoms of depression, anxiety, or stress. It is believed that most people suffer from some sort of neurosis as a part of human nature.
As an example, some people are afraid or unable to speak in front of large crowds. As a result, any situation that might warrant public speaking can cause symptoms from nervous nausea to vomiting, or from trembling to excessive perspiration. Some people suffer more severe symptoms of neurosis than others, and some forms of neurosis are more marked, such as obsessive-compulsive disorder. However, neurosis is not as severe as psychosis.

Psychotic Disorder
Psychosis, or a psychotic disorder, is believed to be more of a symptom than a diagnosis. As a psychiatric term, psychosis refers to any mental state that impairs thought, perception, and judgement. Psychotic episodes might affect a person with or without a mental disease. A person experiencing a psychotic episode might hallucinate, become paranoid, or experience a change in personality. Generally speaking, the psychotic state is not permanent. Psychotic behavior differs from psychopathic behavior, and psychotic episodes rarely involve the violence associated with psychopathic behavior. Psychotic is also not the same as insane, which is both a medical and a legal description for a person who cannot be held accountable for his or her actions.
Psychotic behaviors are typically symptoms of the disturbed state of mind of an individual who has lost touch with reality. These behaviors include disorganized speech, aggression, and expressions of unreasonable paranoia and fear. Depending on an individual's circumstances, psychotic behaviors may also include a refusal to bathe, failure to attend school or go to work, and a general decline in his or her ability to manage basic living tasks. Many individuals who experience psychosis also complain of hallucinations and hearing voices.

When a person is said to be psychotic, he or she is typically suffering from a mental illness. In some cases, drug use or withdrawal may also result in psychotic behaviors. Psychosis is a symptom of many different mental illnesses, including bipolar disorder and schizophrenia. Occasionally, individuals who have undergone a significant shock, such as the loss of a loved one, may demonstrate psychotic behaviors for a brief period of time.

Disorganized speech and difficulty with communication are often one of the more obvious psychotic behaviors and a sign to both mental health professionals and loved ones that an individual may be experiencing mental distress. While in psychosis, an individual may jump from subject to subject in conversation and may have difficulty making himself or herself understood to others. As an individual's mental condition deteriorates, so may his or her speech, and he or she may eventually simply speak in nonsensical words and phrases. This phenomenon is often called “word salad” by mental health experts.

Another common indication of psychosis is the inability of the affected individual to properly care for himself even if he has previously been able to live independently. A person may refuse to tend to his personal hygiene and may express no interest in correcting this problem even if friends and family point out that his appearance or body odor is offensive to others. The individual may also refuse to perform basic housekeeping tasks, such as cleaning, taking out the trash, or even preparing food for his own consumption.

Perhaps the most troubling of psychotic behaviors are those that stem from paranoia and delusions about others. An individual experiencing psychosis may believe that caregivers, family members, and friends are out to hurt her and may either become accusatory or violent toward these people. She may even attempt to harm herself. In such cases, it may be necessary to forcibly hospitalize or medicate the individual until her symptoms and behaviors subside.

In essence, the primary difference between neurotic and psychotic is the manner in which they affect mental health. Neurotic behavior can be naturally present in any person and linked to a developed personality. Psychotic behavior can come and go as a result of various influences. The effects of some drugs can cause psychotic episodes, or a traumatic situation that affects a person’s psychological well-being might trigger the episode. Distinguishing between neurotic and psychotic conditions or disorders is accomplished through an evaluation by a psychiatrist or psychologist, who may treat symptoms with medication or therapy.

 

[Mitre]

New Topic: Differences between Narcissist Personality Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/stop-walking-eggshells/201110/what-borderlines-and-narcissists-fear-most-part

Entitlement
the narcissist is like a small child who never learned she is not the center of the universe and throws tantrums when outsiders don't meet their narcissistic demands."Grandiosity" means, "An unrealistic sense of superiority, a sustained view of oneself as better than others" that prompts narcissists to view others with disdain or see them as inferior. It also refers to a sense of uniqueness; the belief that few others have anything in common with oneself and that one can only be understood by a few or very special people.

Needs Attention/Admiration
Borderline Needs
People with borderline disorder don't want to be alone. You need to be immediately available by cell. A cancelled date sparks real or IMAGINED fear of abandonment. They need attention. Yes, they want to be admired as does everyone. But the fear of abandonment (an upcoming blog topic) is at the core of their need. Without continual attention, they can get a bit desperate and self harm, rage, call you incessantly, make accusations of infidelity, and so forth.

Narcissists Needs
Narcissists, on the other hand, mostly need admiration, although attention sure is appreciated and might be the next best thing. Narcissists need admiration all the time. They don't show their need in the same way; Pussykins does not grovel. But she surrounds herself with others who will give her positive reinforcement for her sparkling wit, wonderful personality, and so on and so on. When someone with NPD in your life is in immediate need for admiration, he may have experienced cracks in his superior self-image and need an admiration injection.

Feelings of Emptiness
Borderline Emptinesss
For people with BPD, feelings of emptiness go hand-in-hand with another BPD trait, lack of identity. Not knowing who you are naturally exacerbates feelings of emptiness. Those with the disorder become chameleons, mimicking some of the attributes of people they're with to fit in. We will look at this trait in some depth later on.
Also, those with BPD usually seek emotionally intimate connections--even if it means negative emotions--to help fill this chronic feeling of emptiness. When things are calm--even in a secure relationship--they may feel empty and insecure inside, so they create a conflict in order to feel more emotional intensity and connection (although this often serves to push people away, which is the opposite of their intent).
But this emptiness keeps popping up inside, driving them to seek intimacy even from people who aren't capable of it. Some professionals believe that "cutting" behavior is associated with those with BPD trying to feel "something" in order to not feel empty, disconnected, alone and abandoned.

Narcissistic Emptiness
People with NPD, on the other hand, don't seem to seek intimacy, but instead seek to be constantly filled up with compliments, admiration and respect for being a superior person--narcissistic supply--although it too often evokes a negative, disrespectful response from others, which is the opposite of their intent. The narcissistic "false self"--a front the NP puts on to hide her feelings of inferiority, even from herself--makes real intimacy (something tangible to fill the hole) nearly impossible.
Psychiatrist Otto Kernberg, widely known for his psychoanalytic theories on borderline personality organization and narcissistic pathology, says that although NPs will report feelings of emptiness, their experience of this hollowness is expressed in boredom and a restlessness. It doesn't seem to include a need for the companionship of others. He writes, "[Narcissists] often do not have available the sense of longing for or of awareness of the possibility of a significant relation with others and of missing such a relation

Fears
What Narcissistic Fear Most:
Narcissists require others for attention they rely on them for the overarching "narcissistic supply": anything that builds them up and confirms their superiority, gradiosity, and entitlement. They are terrified of losing it. Being deprived of narcissistic supply is like being hollowed out, mentally disemboweled or watching oneself die. It is a cosmic evaporation, disintegrating into molecules of terrified anguish, helplessly and inexorably. It is disintegrating like the zombies or the vampires in horror movies. It is terrifying and the narcissist will do anything to avoid it.Entrapping and maintaining a source of supply is a full time job for the narcissist. The level of manipulation, seduction, and political shrewedness it takes to cultivate and maintain a supply is honed to absolute perfection. This makes sense if you consider that his supply is as important as oxygen...a matter of emotional life or death. The problem is that there is never, ever enough.

To a narcissist, other people are like parts in a machine that only get noticed when something goes wrong and they stop "working." Once someone suggests they're not perfect or experiences some other narcissist injury (something that reminds him he's just another faulty human being) he will turn from Dr. Jeckyl to Mr. Hyde, raging, criticizing, blaming, giving others the silent treatment, and projecting his own deficiences onto others.As we can see in the same example, narcissists will try to manipulate others to keep the supply going; sometimes subtly through sexual seduction, fear, obligation, guilt, and the silent treatment; other times more forcefully through lies, threats, or simply discarding the used-up supply. Narcissists can be very good at finding just the trigger that will get supply going again.

Borderlines Fears
People with BPD, however, fear abandonment. People with BPD desperately cling to others as if they were a life raft. Feeling so out of control with themselves, they may constantly try to seize control of situations and other people to make their own chaotic world more predictable and manageable. In conversation, they may constantly draw the focus of attention back on themselves. And they may go to great lengths to avoid being alone.Something called "a lack of object constancy" feeds into the fear. Simply put, it means that when their loved ones are not around (such as the lunch date) they become as terrified as an 18-month-old put down for a nap who can't call on the presence of a loving caretaker 12 feet away in the living room. Hence the phone calls.One of the most confusing things about fear of abandonment is that sometimes people with BPD display it through clinginess and neediness, they often act in negative ways that drive others away from them. The repeated cell phone calls are once example; others include:
1.Protestation like, "You never loved me," "You like your hobby more than me," and the old standby, "I know you are having an affair."
2.Insistence that you isolate yourself from other people.
3.Stalking and continual contact forced upon you after the relationship is over. Even arguments are better than being along. Your new partner may even get dragged into battle, split, and verbally harassed.
4.Continual threats of divorce or breaking up ("I'll leave you before you leave me.") This is extremely common and very confusing because the next minute the person with BPD wants to be close again.
5.Potential or real losses in lower-functioning people with BPD may trigger suicide attempts or self-harm.
6.Partners of borderlines twist themselves into a pretzel to avoid triggering abandonment fears. The first thing to go is relationships with family and friends, which leads to an isolation and an escalation of abusive behaviors. Lack of privacy and jealousy are major issues. High conflict people will read their partner's email and texts and imagine infideities that never took place.
These twin fears incite behaviors that wound their loved ones and ironically drive them out of relationships with those who need them so desperately.

 

[Mitre]

Blame-Storms and Rage Attacks
Borderline Rages
Both borderlines and narcissists get into rages in which they blame and criticize others.

People with BPD are emotionally unstable. Nearly all emotions go up and down, but anger is the one that others find most hard to take. Their intense and annihilating anger comes from believing that others don't care about them, are not listening to them, or are not meeting their core needs. Their pain is your punishment.

Narcissistic Rages
Narcissistic Injury. If you interrupt the NP's supply by doing such things as a) Neglecting the narcissist 2) Paying too much attention to others 3) Criticizing or blaming him or 4) Stop giving him special treatment, you will threaten his sense of superiority and call his entitlement into question, inadvertently triggering a narcissistic injury. A narcissistic injury is just as painful to the narcissist as abandonment is to the borderline. Thus, just as the borderline is hypersensitive to abandonment, the narcissistic is hypersensitive to anything that smacks of a narcissistic injury.
Sam Vaknin, self-acknowledged narcissist and author of Malignant Self Love: Narcissism Revisited, says:I am constantly on the lookout for slights. I perceive every disagreement as criticism and every critical remark as complete and humiliating rejection--nothing short of a threat. Gradually, my mind turns into a chaotic battlefield of paranoia.I react defensively. I become conspicuously indignant, aggressive, and cold. I detach emotionally for fear of yet another (narcissistic) injury. I devalue the person who made the disparaging remark, the critical comment, the unflattering observation, the innocuous joke at my expense.

According to Rokelle Lerner, author of The Object of My Affection is In My Reflection, the three usual reasons for a narcissistic injury are (p.44):
1.The threat of losing the primary source of narcissistic supply, be that a job or a relationship
2.A failure of old strategies to work, for example, someone challenging their power or trying to take control away from them
3.An unexpected situation in which their "robust sense of self dissolves and they become desperate"
Lerner says that after an injury, narcissists may self-medicate with drugs or alcohol or make a mad dash to find alternative sources of attention and admiration. But mostly, they become enraged that others don't go along with their entitled demands. They strike out like a despot whose subjects threaten a revolution. They may be up-front with their rage or be more passive aggressive about it. In divorce, narcissists may fight to get things they may not even want just so their ex-partner can't have it. This includes custody of the children.

Difference Between Anger and Rage
1.Anger is a feeling or emotion that a person has when being offended or when wronged.
2.Rage can be considered to be an action in retaliation to the anger that a person has. Rage is an extreme expression of anger.Screaming, physical expressions of anger, violence or threats of violence, sulking, manipulation, emotional blackmail, silent smoldering, and anger used to punish
3.In anger, there is no bloodshed but rage could lead to blood shed. Healthy expression of anger involves confrontation of what makes you angry and an effort to set boundaries.
4.Anger is considered to be healthy whereas rage is not considered unhealthy.
5.A person who is angry will have the power to control the emotions. But a person having rage has no control of the emotions and it could be sometimes destructive.
6.Unlike anger, rage is a complete blackout of the thoughts, rage is an intricate mix of fear, desperation anger and panic.
7.Healthy anger is not used to punish, is not violent, and isn’t used to intimidate, control or manipulate. It is expressed, discussed, and moved through. Healthy anger is not stuffed down and ignored. (Stuffed anger created resentment and a wealth of physical / mental and emotional problems.) Healthy anger is not expressed in passive aggressive and manipulative ways.


Emotional Dysregulation
One of the best ways to tell whether someone has borderline personality disorder (BPD) or narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is to look at the way they express emotions. Depending upon which subtype they are (vulnerable vs. invulnerable), narcissists have shallow or limited emotions. People with BPD, on the other hand, are far too emotional. In fact, most of the borderline personality disorder criteria have to do with problems people with BPD have regulating their emotions.

Borderline Emotions
The difference between the emotions of people with BPD and everyone else can be summed up as follows:
1) Their emotions are more intense. Brain studies show that the "emotional" centers of the brain actually overpower the "logical" centers. On a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being high, once the emotions of an individual with BPD are at a six and over you can't really reason with them. They may kick or hit walls, slam doors, punch a car, break household items, and even become physically violent.
2) Their emotions are unpredictable, flipping quickly from one to another. You feel lost and confused as to what just happened. A woman says:"His mood can change in the blink of an eye. Usually, we could be joking about something, having a really great time and even bonding, and then something I said would trigger something in him and he would get upset, then pissy, then angry, then raging. Sometimes it would take a few days for this to build up. But once it started, I could always tell what was going on. It's like feeling a storm front move in.You can feel the change in the atmosphere."
3) One triggered, they take much longer to come down to baseline (a 1-3 on the scale). At the same time, once the emotion is gone, it's gone, and they don't remember feeling differently. They may not understand why you're still mad at them.
4) Because of their lack of impulse control, they act on their emotions before they've had a chance to think through the consequences of their actions. While their actions are intended to help them feel better, in the long run they feel worse. So emotional dysregulation leads to behavioral dysregulation.
5) They can hold a grudge forever about something that happened years ago and continually bring up what hurt them as if it happened yesterday.

Narcissistic Emotions
Narcissist Alexander Lowen, M.D., author of Narcissism: Denial of the True Self, believes that the basic disturbance in narcissistic personality is the denial of feeling. He says (p. 48) that, "The need to project and maintain an image [the False Self that the narcissist wishes to portray] forces the narcissist to prevent any feeling from reaching consciousness that would contradict with the image." Since the False Self is perfect, of course, that means that a lot of feelings have to be suppressed.

Thus, narcissists feel emotions like vulnerability, sadness, empathy and compassion in a shallow way, if at all, and cover them up with rage, blame, manipulation and disdain for others.This coping mechanism has a heavy price: they don't feel secure enough to relax and really feel happiness and joy, although they may have fleeting moments of those emotions. As therapist Nina Brown says, "They may speak the words, but the feelings behind the words is missing,"
Vulnerable NPs share some characteristics with borderline personality disorder; invulnerable NPs share some characteristics with antisocial personality disorder. So far in this series, we've been speaking of grandiose NPs; when it comes to emotions, there is a difference.

Vulnerable narcissists can better access feelings like insecurity and weakness, whereas grandiose NPs better shield themselves with confidence and high self-worth. Vulnerable NPs appear to be overcompensating for low self-esteem and a deep-seated sense of shame that may have emerged during early childhood as a coping mechanism to deal with parental neglect or abuse. (Typically, grandiose NPs were not neglected; instead, they were treated like mommy and daddy's little prince or princess. As adults, they still expect to be treated as special, superior and powerful.)

Vulnerable NPs see themselves as victims of those who don't understand how superior they are, and unlike grandiose NPs, they actually care about how their partners see them. They also have some different behaviors: they:
1.Tend to swing back and forth between acting superior and feeling hurt
2.May get self-destructive when partners point out their vulnerabilities
3.Accuse the other partner of having affairs and may be obsessive about preventing that from happening
4.Have a pattern of looking for a perfect mate and demanding that she tells him he's important and loved
5.But the main difference between vulnerable NPs and invulnerable NPs is in the way they feel (or don't feel). Specifically, With their fragile self-esteem, vulnerable narcissists experience helplessness, anxiety, and depression when people don't treat them as they desire.They feel shamed and humiliated by negative feedback or when others challenge their superior self-image. They also experience anxiousness, bitterness, dissatisfaction, and disempowerment.They suffer from many BPD-like emotions, like feelings of emptiness and inadequacy. Others find them sensitive and emotional; preoccupied with fears of rejection and abandonment. They are touchy, quick to be offended, and easily provoked.
Cut off from their true feelings, narcissists don't find intimacy and true sharing within their comfort zones

 

[Mitre]

Power and Control

Is the person with narcissistic or borderline personality disorder in your life hungry for power and control over you? Look at this list and compare them to your current relationship.

Healthy: You see family and friends when you please
Unhealthy: Your partner tries to dictate who you see and when


Healthy: Your partner wants to create win-win situations
Unhealthy: Your partner tries to be the winner and make you the loser


Healthy: You make your own decisions with input from your partner
Unhealthy: You feel like you need your partner's permission


Healthy: You each feel free to have your own preferences
Unhealthy: Your partner expects his preferences to be yours


Healthy: It's OK to disagree and have your own opinions
Unhealthy: Your partner expects her preferences to be yours


Healthy: You both are open and honest about what you want/need
Unhealthy: Your partner uses fear, obligation, and guilt to get her way


Healthy: You each feel like you can be yourself
Unhealthy: You feel like you have to be whom your spouse wants you to be


Healthy: You each take care of yourselves with support from your partner
Unhealthy: When you take care of yourself, your partner calls you selfish


Healthy: You think it's important to respect each other's differences
Unhealthy: She thinks it's more important to always be right


Healthy: Your wants and needs are equally important
Unhealthy: He will do anything to get his needs met, nice or not


If you found yourself choosing the unhealthy answers, you probably have a controlling partner, and/or one who believes that he should have more power than you. This may be overt, with him just saying so, or covert, done in a more passive-aggressive way (see the examples below).

No matter how much you share your values with her and try to explain, she just seems to be coming from a different place. And as time passes you begin to wonder who's really right, and if you're as controlling as she says you are (she's really projected her own stuff onto you, but once again you're at a loss, frustrated and confused).

As you know by now, people with borderline and narcissistic personality disorders have very specific child-like needs they may not even understand. For example, narcissists need their narcissistic supply and sense of superiority; they have an image, the False Self, that must be maintained at all times. It takes quite a bit of manipulation to maintain the right environment.

People with BPD need to regulate their emotions and keep you at the proper distance: not too close, not too far away. They must protect themselves from abandonment and being alone. They don't have sophisticated interpersonal skills to get what they want, so they use techniques (such as suicide threats) that lead others to feel manipulated.

You have your own reasons for submitting to them.
1.You may be afraid they will abandon you,
2.You want to keep the family together, it's for the kids,
3.You have religious beliefs that tell you to hang on,
4.You may be primed for this kind of behavior from childhood,
5.You hope things will change one day,
6.You're trying to fix them,
7.you like the sex,
8.you're afraid of retaliation
9.You aren't financially set.
10.You think they're just under stress and things will get back to normal,
11.You feel sorry for them because of their abusive childhood,
12.You're trauma-bonded or have the Stockholm syndrome,
13.You think this is normal,
14.You think they may be right,
15.You don't like confrontation,
16.you don't know how to set boundaries, and
17.You pride yourself on your giving nature. Or all of the above.
18.You put up a protest,and you know nothing would come from it but a major argument.
19.You are the codependent sort, and you may also be trying to control things in your own way

But there is a price to pay: your beliefs about what is normal are getting skewed and twisted—and you know this on some level when you have enough strength to think about it. You don't feel safe. You're keeping secrets from friends and family. You don't feel joy in life any more, and the person you first fell in love with doesn't resemble this person you're living with.

One woman says:
I think I handed over the power in our relationship in the beginning. I used to let him make all the decisions and went along with everything because I was afraid of speaking up for myself. That created problems later when I got stronger and didn't want to go along with everything. He felt betrayed when I finally told him that I didn't really like watching a certain television show, because I'd told him early on that I loved the same shows that he did. It made him wonder what else about me wasn't authentic, and we had several tangles about that kind of thing—what kind of bread we buy, how often we travel, what we do on holidays. It was really my own fault for not saying how I felt right from the start. That was my way of controlling things, as he's often pointed out.

 

[Mitre]

New Topic:Sociopathy.
http://www.amazon.com/The-Sociopath-Next-Door-ebook/dp/B000FCJXTC/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1369924640&sr=1-1&keywords=the+socio+path+next+door All women should read this book. A sociopath/psychopath is not just a serial killer it could be your lazy friend that is muting off of you. Know the signs and make your life easier.
http://psychopathfree.com/forum.php?

When you first meet the sociopath, you are bowled over by his/her self confidence. This, mixed in with a stream of lies, can dazzle you into thinking that you have met somebody who is:
Successful
Confident
Ambitious
Moral
Good guy/gal

The sociopath has absolutely no fear. The reason for this, is because they do not feel emotions the same way as other non socio’s do. Most people in life, are ruled by two primary emotions:Love and Fear
We are attracted to love, fear separates us, Love is freeing, fear is controlling, love is unconditional, fear is judgmental.Most people are ruled through love and fear, every day in their waking life. The sociopath, not feeling these emotions, are able to rule others simply by showering with fake ‘love’ and attention, or installing ‘fear’ and control. It is often said that the sociopath can have a Jekyll and Hyde personality. In it’s simplest form, what the sociopath is doing is switching, from controlling through love and fear.You might argue, and say that there are lots of other emotions, that people feel. There are, but each of these emotions are ruled by the primary emotion of love and fear.

Because the sociopath is not ruled by emotions, because he has a lack of remorse, guilt or shame, he can powerfully control a person, simply by providing ‘love’ or installing ‘fear’. By wielding these emotions over the victim – the sociopath gains control. Which is the most important thing to the sociopath to have control over the victim.

A good example of this, is to look at the structure that the sociopath follows in a relationship, and what primary emotions are being used at each point:
Assessment (neutral whilst assessing)
Seducing (love)
Gaming (alternating between love and fear)
Ruining (fear)
Why you are left feeling confused

Whilst the sociopath is in gaming mode, the victim is left confused. As the emotions that are ruled, alternate between love and fear, the victim is left confused. Does the sociopath love me, or hate me? When you decide that the sociopath doesn’t love you can make attempts to leave the relationship, and the sociopath will often immediately switch – to love again (the Jekyll and Hyde personality), alternatively, if you are determined to leave, the sociopath will move to final stage (ruining) – which is based on fear.

By manipulating the two primary emotions of the victim, the victim is left stunned and confused. Whilst one of the emotions (love) feels positive, the victim is drawn to this (we are all drawn to positivity it makes us feel good). The other emotion (fear) the victim is repelled from. This is why the sociopath will switch from controlling through love and then fear.

What separates sociopaths from the rest of society, is their inability to feel these primary emotions of ‘love’ and ‘fear’, and their lack of ability to experience these emotions. When you realise that the sociopath has faked these primary emotions, can feel quite alarming to the victim. If a human being does not feel these two emotions, how can they even be ‘human’ you question?

What the victim is left with, is a sense of confusion. your primary emotions have been played with. Where you have experienced when in gaming mode, is an alternate state of emotions of being controlled with ‘love and fear’ and therefore the Jekyll and Hyde personality is shown. This causes confusion.

If you have came out of the relationship with the sociopath, and are feeling confused. Go back through what has happened to you, and understand what has happened. It might feel sinister. As it is out of the norm for what you understand is right, appropriate and normal for a human being to be.

Our ability to experience Love and Fear, is what rules us. It is what teaches us the difference between ‘right and wrong’. Because the sociopath is able to fake these emotions, we are lured into a false sense of security, that the sociopath is actually feeling these emotions. We are being shown a mask, but without actual genuine feelings there is no depth of emotions it is simply an act used for manipulation and control.

20 Sociopathic Traits
1. Glib and superficial charm. The tendency to be smooth, engaging, charming, slick, and verbally facile. Sociopathic charm is not in the least shy, self-conscious, or afraid to say anything. A sociopath never gets tongue-tied. They have freed themselves from the social conventions about taking turns in talking, for example.

2. Grandiose self-worth. A grossly inflated view of one’s abilities and self-worth, self-assured, opinionated, cocky, a braggart. Sociopaths are arrogant people who believe they are superior human beings.

3. Need for stimulation or proneness to boredom. An excessive need for novel, thrilling, and exciting stimulation; taking chances and doing things that are risky. Sociopaths often have low self-discipline in carrying tasks through to completion because they get bored easily. They fail to work at the same job for any length of time, for example, or to finish tasks that they consider dull or routine.

4. Pathological lying. Can be moderate or high; in moderate form, they will be shrewd, crafty, cunning, sly, and clever; in extreme form, they will be deceptive, deceitful, underhanded, unscrupulous, manipulative, and dishonest.

5. Conning and manipulative. The use of deceit and deception to cheat, con, or defraud others for personal gain; distinguished from Item #4 in the degree to which exploitation and callous ruthlessness is present, as reflected in a lack of concern for the feelings and suffering of one’s victims.

6. Lack of remorse or guilt. A lack of feelings or concern for the losses, pain, and suffering of victims; a tendency to be unconcerned, dispassionate, coldhearted, and unempathic. This item is usually demonstrated by a disdain for one’s victims.

7. Shallow affect. Emotional poverty or a limited range or depth of feelings; interpersonal coldness in spite of signs of open gregariousness.

8. Callousness and lack of empathy. A lack of feelings toward people in general; cold, contemptuous, inconsiderate, and tactless.

9. Parasitic lifestyle. An intentional, manipulative, selfish, and exploitative financial dependence on others as reflected in a lack of motivation, low self-discipline, and inability to begin or complete responsibilities.

10. Poor behavioral controls. Expressions of irritability, annoyance, impatience, threats, aggression, and verbal abuse; inadequate control of anger and temper; acting hastily.

11. Promiscuous sexual behavior. A variety of brief, superficial relations, numerous affairs, and an indiscriminate selection of sexual partners; the maintenance of several relationships at the same time; a history of attempts to sexually coerce others into sexual activity or taking great pride at discussing sexual exploits or conquests.

12. Early behavior problems. A variety of behaviors prior to age 13, including lying, theft, cheating, vandalism, bullying, sexual activity, fire-setting, glue-sniffing, alcohol use, and running away from home.

13. Lack of realistic, long-term goals. An inability or persistent failure to develop and execute long-term plans and goals; a nomadic existence, aimless, lacking direction in life.

14. Impulsivity. The occurrence of behaviors that are unpremeditated and lack reflection or planning; inability to resist temptation, frustrations, and urges; a lack of deliberation without considering the consequences; foolhardy, rash, unpredictable, erratic, and reckless.

15. Irresponsibility. Repeated failure to fulfill or honor obligations and commitments; such as not paying bills, defaulting on loans, performing sloppy work, being absent or late to work, failing to honor contractual agreements.

16. Failure to accept responsibility for own actions. A failure to accept responsibility for one’s actions reflected in low conscientiousness, an absence of dutifulness, antagonistic manipulation, denial of responsibility, and an effort to manipulate others through this denial.

17. Many short-term marital relationships. A lack of commitment to a long-term relationship reflected in inconsistent, undependable, and unreliable commitments in life, including marital.

18. Juvenile delinquency. Behavior problems between the ages of 13-18; mostly behaviors that are crimes or clearly involve aspects of antagonism, exploitation, aggression, manipulation, or a callous, ruthless tough-mindedness.

19. Revocation of condition release. A revocation of probation or other conditional release due to technical violations, such as carelessness, low deliberation, or failing to appear.

20. Criminal versatility. A diversity of types of criminal offenses, regardless if the person has been arrested or convicted for them; taking great pride at getting away with crimes. (Hare 2011).

 

[Mitre]

New Topic Sociopath/Narcissist smear campaigns and third party abuse
How to cope with harassment and stalking from Narcissist, Psychopath or Sociopath http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=yY-jVezPZfs#!
http://www.amazon.com/Gift-Fear-Gavin-Becker/dp/0440226198 All women should read this book.

Just when you thought that you are finally free of the sociopath. You might be hurt, but you are taking time out to recover, and to try to heal. The ruining and smear campaigns start. What is more hurtful is how effective the sociopath is at doing this.

You might have done absolutely nothing wrong. You are probably the victim in all of this, suffering sometimes colossal losses and damage to your life. You might need your ‘friends’ around you to support you. What might amaze you, is that if you are very unlucky the sociopath will ensure the ending of the relationship is exactly as the beginning was with you.

Fears
A narcissistic fears losing narcissistic supply (good or bad attention)- see post 79 for details
The sociopath is hellbent on causing destruction, wherever they go in life. Remember that they fear only two things:
Fear of exposure
Fear of losing control
When the relationship ends, the sociopath will do everything that he can do, to protect his image. To avoid those two fears becoming a reality, you might be amazed that the people that the sociopath will speak to are YOUR friends.

Remember how in the beginning, the sociopath sold YOU yourself by telling you what you wanted to hear. He did this by Using a thread of truth from what they already knew about you, mixed in with the lie, to make his lies sound believable? The sociopath repeats this behaviour, only this time, he will do this to people that are close to you, or your wider social network. His aim is to alienate you from support, and to prevent exposure about how he has treated you. So that if you do talk, you will not be believed and you will seem like the crazy one.

Third party abuse
You might have already realised that whilst in the relationship with the sociopath, he isolated you from friends, family or your wider social network. This would have been done subtly, so that you hardly realised what he was doing. Either by exerting control, real or fake jealousy, telling you negative things about your friends, feeding you false information, telling you that people do not care about you, whilst acting at the same time, like your very best friend, and your saviour and rescuer from these people who are against you.

When the relationship ends with the sociopath, he does exactly the same thing. Only in reverse. This time, the sociopath will

1.Mirror your friends (who were previously hurt by your rejection of them)
2.Will feed them false information – which sounds believable because they will use a thread of truth (saying things that they already know)
3.Will deliberately target those that he knows that you have fallen out with (often because of things that he said or did in the relationship, feeding you false information) – he will use these people to spread lies about you. Making those lies sound believable by mixing it with a thread of truth
4.Will discredit you, using this information, and feeding back to them – positive reinforcements about themselves
5.Act like victim
6.Will use previous examples… especially using knowledge that they already know (mixed with lies) – this is especially effective if your friend has been hurt by your rejection of them
7.Well sell the other person exactly what they want
8.Will feed their own narcissistic supply
The sociopath doesn’t think too much about what they are doing. It is natural, defence mechanism reaction, it is their own self preservation. By gaining people on side, and supporting them against you, they avoid being exposed, and to them, they have the ultimate control.

You can be left reeling. Often you have sat at home and done no actions at all. Yet, lies are being spread about you, which have little bearing on reality.

The sociopath is now using third party people to abuse you. The sociopath will always try to get in there first. Remember that he has no connections of his own. Not really. He therefore feels jealous of the ones that you have. The wider the social network that you have, the bigger the damage that can be done. Having observed, you and your life, and having controlled you, the sociopath will know exactly the key people to target. He will affect (if he can) all areas of your life. Leaving him, seemingly the victim, but also the hero, and identifying with them and their needs, and you (the victim) the bad guy.

If you try to reach out for support or talk to others, you might face either
Overt rejection
Covert rejection (SEE POST #93)
Overt rejection by others (to your face)
People not taking your calls
Not being invited to events
People stopping calling you
A blank response when asking for help, and trying to explain what has happened to you
Leaving your life altogether
Alienating you
Covert rejection by others (behind your back)
Seeing you as the perpetrator, not the victim
Talking behind your back (about you and not to you) – being the source of gossip
Listening to the lies spread by the sociopath and worse spreading them
Not being supportive
Looking at you in ‘pity’ if you try to explain what has happened to you
How this feels, what to do, and recovery

Unfortunately, you are left disarmed when this happens to you. There is little that you can do about it. After all, you are not the master manipulator, the sociopath is. The worse thing, is if you have been unfortunate to meet more than one sociopath in a row. This makes the sociopath’s job relatively easy, as they can build on lies told by the previous one. Even if this hasn’t happened. And this is the first one that you have met, he will continue with his hate campaign against you, whilst smiling with kind eyes, and appearing to be the victim, and ‘caring about you’. Yes that is right, the sociopath will not talk about you in an ‘attacking way’, he can do, in temper, but not always. Often, he will act as rescuer and carer for your friends. Selling them information that they need to hear, to heal the hurt that they feel about your rejection of them.

For you, this can be absolutely devastating. In truth you have been involved in an abusive relationship, where you were used, abused, and controlled. You now want to go back to your old life. You need grounding and reality. So you reach out for help. But face third party abuse.You sink further down.

Things cannot get possibly worse, you think.
That is the truth. Things CAN’T get worse!

Coming out of the other side, is like passing through a storm. You are stronger than you think you are. Remember this:
People who genuinely love you and care for you, will love you unconditionally, and no matter what the sociopath says will not be long term affected by anything that the sociopath says
1.The real, genuine people in your life, know the real you, the real character, these are the people to hold onto
2.That the sociopath would have assessed you and deliberately targeted – those that provided the greatest support for you – (remember this happened in the relationship, when isolating you)
3.You might have to, for your own sanity, start very small, even with just close family members, and start again
4.Don’t try to change others opinion. It won’t work. The sociopath would have covered their tracks, and will have done all that he can do, to come out of the battle unscathed and looking like a caring angel
5.Just salvage what you can. Focus on the inner YOU. Remember that true happiness, comes from within. Only YOU can make YOU happy. Nobody else.

Yes, it is hurtful, but this is exactly what the sociopath operates on. Causing hurt, pain and damage. So that they can make themselves feel better about their own actions.If you are reading this, if you can identify with this, if this has happened to you. Even if you feel alone and isolated after this has happened. Take heart. You are not alone. I write this, as it happened to me. Just as it has happened to me, it has happened also to millions of victims all over the world.

You are not a victim, you are a survivor. Try not to think about others reactions and don’t fight back. Fighting back will simply reinforce the lies that the sociopath is telling about you, especially if you lose your temper.Take time out to focus on yourself. Learn to trust you again. Leave it a while, let the dust settle. Remember that you can never change someone else. But you can change you.

Also remember this – lies will take speed….. but the truth will always have endurance!!!

 

[Mitre]

New Topic How does it feel to date a sociopath?

Assessment Stage (his/her emotions are neutral no love or fear)
1.At first the sociopath will assess you, he will find out what makes you tick. What are you worth? What can he get out of you?

2.They ask probing questions, and you feel swept off your feet. They seem to know you well. It can only be a soul mate connection, right?

3.They move in FAST

4.The relationship moves at speed, often this is before you feel ready for it. This can make you question if there is something wrong with YOU, as you don’t feel that way yet, ‘perhaps you should’? You think.

5.They tell you all kinds of amazing things about yourself, and will mirror it back to you, from things that you have said earlier. With the probing questions, came answers that they will now manipulate you with. They will say anything that they can think of, to win you, to seduce you.

6.D0 you have money worries? No worries, they will financially support you.
You are feeling low about yourself? Do you have a lack of self-esteem? No worries, they will tell you how wonderful, beautiful, intelligent you are.
D0 you find it difficult to trust? Have you been let down by someone in the past? NO worries, they will show you morals, how moralistic they are, to build trust.
You are finding life difficult to cope with? No worries they will be the biggest help,
Are you successful? Do you have money to share? No worries, they will help you spend it….
They will go to great lengths. Why? They do this because they are predators.

7.In asking those probing questions, with that predatory stare that sometimes unnerved you, they were finding out your weaknesses. Whilst confiding in them your insecurities, they were storing this information. Like a predator.

Seduction Stage (he/she shows you love)
1.What happens next is the love bombing. They bombard you and want to spend all of their time with you. It is likely that they will move in with you. They will shower you with affection and attention. You feel you are the centre of their world.

2.In the following period, they will use all of the information learned about you in the assessment period, to use you, drain you, and to gain everything from you that they can. But you will not be aware of this.

3.It is not because you are stupid. It’s because they are practised at being this way and you, you are not used to detecting someone of this evil nature.

4.You will not notice at first, that there is a lack of link to their past, the absence of friends, and family. All of the usual connections will not be present. However, he will notice who provides support in your life.

5.Gradually, he will isolate you from those people who give you support. He will make comments, so that you fall out with those people. He knows that having you alone and isolated from support is where he thrives best. He doesn’t want you to talk to other people, who might warn you off of him.

6.You are too valuable, right now, you are their prize. You are the life source of which he has none. You give him what he has not. This includes money, family and friends and a roof over their head.

7.You will not notice that they are taking from you. Not at first anyway. Remember that this person is a compulsive pathological liar. They will say and do almost anything to protect their lie.

8.After a while, you realize that you are the only one who is giving and that he is taking. You start to feel a sense of loss. And then you object. This is when the gas lighting starts. The seduction stage is now over.

Gaming Mode (he/she alternate between showing you love and fear)
1.The sociopath now moves into gaming mode. Now that he has gained your trust, and you have fallen in love, he has control. It is now time to play the game. Lies are told, and they talk at a rate of 1000 miles an hour, you become confused. If you object, they tell you that you are crazy. By now many of you have lost people close to you, and have nobody else to give you a reality check. They now have you exactly where they want you.

2.Maybe those people close to you did try to warn you. But with his help, you shut out those friends, after all they were just jealous, bitter, they don’t have what you have?

3.When you think about things that don’t add up they gas light you further, so you begin to question your own sanity.

4.You might start to realise what is going on. Maybe you have evidence, maybe all those lies do not add up. After months of confusion, you start to see the light…. just slightly.

5.The sociopath can now see the end is near, his game is almost up. Or at least nearly, but he will give it one last shot. He will go to great lengths to cover for himself, and tell you that you are paranoid and insecure. Maybe you are now starting to become this way. After all, your mind has been played with. You have been manipulated, and deceived.

6.You decide that you have had enough. Your life is now going to the pan. Perhaps you have lost your job, financially you have lost, maybe you have also lost friends and family in the time you were defending him and they were trying to talk sense into you.

7.You have invested so much and lost so much, this can’t be true it can’t be happening? You didn’t want all that loss for nothing ….and so you try to make it work.

8.But he knows that the game is up or at least coming near to. So, out of the blue, the truth starts to emerge. He will do this deliberately. Deliberately he will let you know exactly what was happening and how stupid you were. You will feel embarrassed and ashamed that this has happened to you.

9.You try to rebuild your life, to catch up with old friends and other people in your life, anything to get back to normality and away from him.

10.But he is not going to let you get away that easily. Remember those things you told him in the probing questioning, assessment stage? At the time when you thought he was the love of your life? Well those things are now the very things that he will use against you…

Smear Campaign (Ruining he/she shows you fear)
1.It is now time for the smear campaign. The sociopath now has nothing to lose. He can’t have people finding out about him, as he hates exposure,so he will beat you to the punch. So, he will report things you did when confused and he was gas lighting you. He will now contact people close to you, to discredit you.

2.At the end of the relationship he will bombard you again. But this time it is not pleasant. He will stalk you and he will still keep close tabs on you. He is still clinging on for the last bit of control that he has.

3.You feel so alone. So damaged and so confused. What the hell has happened? You cannot talk about this to the people who warned you off him, either they have left, or you cannot talk to them, after you defended him so strongly and who would believe you anyway?

4.You are left alone… confused, bewildered, damaged, maybe your life is totally ruined…Just like the eagle needs to hunt for prey, the sociopath does the same. Sometimes he knows exactly what it is that he is looking for. At other times, the perfect prey comes his way who is seeking something missing in their life.
Aside from being the hunter, the sociopath is also the chameleon. He can blend effortlessly into his new surroundings. This gives you the illusion, that this is ‘meant to be’ it just feels so very right. It wouldn’t occur to you, that there are people out there who will feign anything, to be exactly what you want and need, to lure you in. To capture you. To corner you.

5.The sociopath knows, that by simply doing the following, he would have caught his next victim. The sociopath is the master, and is practised at deception.

Each time he follows the same pattern:
Observe and analyse
Overconfidence, charismatic and charming, great company
Intense eye contact
Moves physically in close, creating a sense of intimacy
Lies and deception, to morph into the person that you need, creating a web of lies about his past, and his intentions for the future
Provides false credentials
Shows intense interest in whatever you are interested in
Asks constant questions
Is more interested in your life, than his own
Comes across as someone who is hard done by
Tells you that you are the love of his life, the person that he has waited all his life for
Tells outrageous lies (which you will not be aware of until much later)
Wants to take up all of your time, not even giving you room to breath or to see people, or do things that are important to youIs overly helpful, and romantic
By doing all of these things, he creates a false sense of intimacy, very quickly. Did you notice how quickly -
He invaded your personal space
He violated your privacy
He isolated you
You stopped having your own life, independence, and dreams
How quickly YOU became US
How you were made to feel guilty if you thought of YOU and not US
You probably didn’t.
The sociopath is the typical iron hand in the velvet glove, he is smooth, and as he has no conscience, and does not feel guilt, remorse or shame, he can lie without thinking, saying whatever he needs to say, to lure you in, manipulate and deceive you.

Being victim to this predator, is in no way a reflection on you, and nothing that you could have done to change the outcome. It is the way that the sociopath is, and operates. The sociopath has done this time and time again in the past, and will repeat the same behaviour again in the future.

The sociopath is an opportunist ,a chancer , a gamer, a predator, needs a victim in his life, lives and thrives off of the life force of others.

 

[Mitre]

New Topic What not to do when dating

You might think that sociopaths only target people that are vulnerable. People who are weak or people who are down on their luck and needy themselves.A sociopath can target these people, as this is an easy target. If your last relationship was abusive, or ended due to deception or betrayal, it is likely that damage was already done. If you are weak and looking to fill a void, this is easy prey for the sociopath.

The other group of people that are attractive to sociopaths, are those who are successful in life. Nothing can lure in a sociopath more than someone who is bragging about what they have. By bragging to the world how successful you are, you are merely advertising to the sociopath what you have to offer and give away. We all do it, you meet someone and you think that this person is your ideal. You want them to know what a good catch you are. So, you talk about how great your job is. Because you are seeking similar things in a man, you tell him, you have a good job, your own home, no debts, in fact you are pretty financially secure.

At the extreme end of the spectrum, perhaps you have spare cash, money in the bank, you have a lot to offer someone and you (being keen to show that you are not like the man you are NOT looking for) sell yourself.

STOP DON’T DO THIS!
Advertising yourself in this way, with someone you do not know, and have not verified who they are, is like putting a billboard advertising sign up. Like putting on a shop window telling the sociopath all there is to take from you (and he will).You tell him all the things that you value, all the things that you want. How awful your last ex was, and bingo, he has the perfect way to lure you in.

He will mirror you, and fake what you want to hear.

Try not to say TOO MUCH about yourself, and your life, in fact, instead put yourself down. Make yourself a less attractive OPTION.

Because this is what you are to a sociopath. For him, it is like looking in a shop window, and the more that you sell yourself, he does actually think that you are selling whatever YOU own to him. Well not selling, he see’s it as his divine right to take it.And as far as the sociopath is concerned, it is your own stupid fault for bragging in the first place.

You wouldn’t go to a festival, take all your expensive items, leave it inside the tent on show, with the tent door open, in vain hope that the right man (or woman) will be sat outside your tent waiting for his perfect woman when you got back? Of course you wouldn’t that would be stupid.So don’t sell your wares to someone you have just met. Remember, a sociopath looks normal, dresses normal, and will mirror you and be everything that you want him to be. Say little, and let him sell himself to you and if he is selling YOU back, RUN!!

Understand his/her Compulsive pathological lying
A sociopath finds it easier to lie, than they find it to tell the truth. If you are an honest person, you would think and act the reverse. You find it uncomfortable to tell a lie, and should feel a sense of relief when telling the truth.The sociopath is reverse in behaviour to this. As he finds it more difficult to tell the truth than tell a lie, he quickly reverts to lies, manipulation and deceit, after a short period of time.

The sociopath has poor impulse control, and finds it difficult, not to cease an opportunity. He also has a lack of empathy, guilt remorse or shame. So does not feel guilty if he is lying to you. Even if he knows by previous events how much his lies have hurt you, there will be no change over a period of time. He cannot, and does not feel sorry for hurting you. If he says that he does, he is lying. He might feel sorry that he is about to lose source of supply, if you are still valuable to him. But that is all.

The way to look at this,and to understand would be to imagine that you (as an honest person) were asked to live your life, and to spend most of most of your time, lying cheating, conning, using manipulation and deceit to use others. Can you visualise this? How long do you think that you would be able to keep up being dishonest, and compulsively lying? How uncomfortable would this make you feel? Could you keep this up for a long period of time, day after day? If you have an imagination, like me, you would be able to see how difficult this would be to keep up for any length of time. You also, would revert back to your default setting of being honest, as this is how you feel comfortable behaving.

This is what the sociopath does in reverse. Being aware of sociopathic behaviour, and wanting to change (as some do, after hitting bottom numerous times in their life) or at least for a while. There might be an impulse to change. But it wouldn’t last long. Normally, they would have a motive to do this, only when they are losing source for supply and haven’t found another source for supply elsewhere.

Do not make plans base on his potential because he Lacks long term goals
The sociopath lives in the moment, and finds it difficult to make long term goals for future plans. He tends to be
1.Impulsive
2.Immature
3.Lives in the moment
4.Doesn’t particularly think (or care) about long term consequences of actions
As he doesn’t think too far ahead, and doesn’t think about consequences of actions, he repeats the same behaviour over and over again.

Why does he promise to change repeatedly if he can’t?
There are two reasons why he would promise to change:
1.If he feels that source for supply is coming to an end, and he hasn’t sourced additional supply elsewhere
2.He might put on a new mask, and really believe that this time, he can do it and make that change

But as already discussed, this is difficult to do. The sociopath often finds it difficult being honest. If you look back into the sociopaths history, he likely had a difficult childhood, and lived in a home where he witnessed dishonesty. A child needs for proper growth and development, a safe environment. A child learns most from the examples set by his parents. By observation. Observing interaction between both parents. A child learns from example.If in childhood the child learned that it was normal and part of every day life to lie, this becomes ingrained into their personality.

A child might be forced to lie to
1.Cover for what is really going on in the home to friends/family/teachers
2.Protect the parents
3.Cover for one or both parents actions
4.Might witness parents living a lie (in terms of infidelity of one or both parents, or if parents had a substance addiction problem)
5.As adults, we are comfortable (usually) with what we defined as ‘home’ in childhood. This is where we often learn our defence mechanisms. We learn, what part of us is acceptable to display to the world. How we should behave and how we should act.

The sociopaths behaviour, is therefore so ingrained within his personality, it is difficult to ever make change. How can you make someone care about something that they really do not care about? You cannot give someone a range of emotions that they do not have.

Even if the sociopath were to discover that they were a sociopath, they still wouldn’t really change as
1.They feel more comfortable with the lie than telling the truth
2.They receive dupers delight from conning and being deceptive
3.Dishonesty was likely learned as far back as childhood
4.They repeat patterns of behavior, as they have poor impulse control and find it difficult to resist temptation
5.They don’t feel bad about lying and cheating, as they have a lack of empathy, guilt remorse or shame
6.They are immature, and selfish, thinking only about themselves, they cannot put the needs of others first
7.They have a lack of long term goals and lack ability to plan for the future
8.When things go wrong, they simply put on a new mask of charisma, and adapt to the new situation. Again, this is for their own benefit (despite if they say that it is for yours)
9.Others are simply tools to be used for source of supply. which means that partners can be easily replaced. As long as the new victim can offer source of supply
10.They have a grandiose sense of self and entitlement

 

[Mitre]

New Topic:Dealing with a Psychopaths/Sociopaths

Sociopath vs psychopath: nurture versus nature
People often think 'serial killer' when they hear the word psychopath, but this is a mistake. A psychopath is someone who does not have a conscience. They never feel guilt, remorse, embarrassment and they are incapable of love.
The difference here is that basically some people think that psychopaths are born and sociopaths are the result of poor social conditions in childhood. Such things as parental neglect, delinquent peers, childhood trauma or abuse may cause difficulties in relating to others but does allow the sociopath to have some empathy with those close to him.
Psychopaths, who are completely incapable of empathy, are believed to be born with a defect in the brain in the part that controls impulses and emotions.


1. Get professional help
2. Cease contact See Post #102 What no contact means
No contact means no contact. No phone calls, no text messages, no e-mails. As long as you continue to engage the sociopath they will continue to try and manipulate you. They have nothing better to do in their lives. In fact, often they will spend their lives trying to continue to manipulate you! Sociopaths don't have friends. They perceive others as victims or competitors, and the competitors typically end up as victims too, because the sociopath wants to win at all costs. Any contact is a sign for them that they still have a chance to continue to manipulate you. It's absolutely useless to want to have the last word or to need to explain how upset you have been. You're just giving them a chance to continue to play with your emotions, and the lack of empathy and guilt gives the sociopath an advantage that you will never have, and that you can never beat.
3.Do not give them more information about you
Any information you give them can and will be used against you. This is important because you are dealing with a sociopath. This means you are dealing with a professional manipulator and you should expect that any personal information you give will be used to manipulate your emotions, blame you for what is happening and/or used to try to continue the relationship. If you need to communicate, keep it short, stick to the facts (no opinions or personal thoughts) and communicate as if you know your communication is going to be read out in court.
4.Know your weaknesses
Because the sociopath certainly does! And has been taking full advantage of them. At least if you understand what you're weaknesses are it gives you a better chance of dealing with a sociopath because you will recognize when he is pressing your buttons. And why you're at it, check out your strengths too. Chances are the sociopath has been manipulating you by using them as well! For example, if you are good at helping people, he will want to be helped.
5. Pay attention to your instincts
What are your instincts telling you? It's difficult when dealing with a sociopath because due to the manipulation you have been overriding your instincts. What, for example, was your initial feeling on first meeting the sociopath? Did you give them the benefit of the doubt at the start for whatever reason? This is something you can never afford to do when dealing with a sociopath.
6. Do not try to reform them or give them more chances…
There is no treatment for sociopathy/psychopathy. Often it makes them worse! They simply learn more about people's behavior in therapy sessions and it gives them more ammunition for later.Somebody who has no conscience has no conscience. They're not going to change. In fact, because of their big egos, arrogance and sense of entitlement, they think they are better than everybody else and see absolutely no reason to change.
And besides, doing this means that you are maintaining contact. See rule 3.
7. Educate yourself
Read books about mind control, about psychopaths and watch movies and videos. Apply the information to yourself. How were you deceived from the beginning? How did they keep the charade going? What techniques were they using? Why did you fall for them? This is all part of your recuperation for undoing the influence these charlatans had on you..
8.Realize that it's not your fault
You have been dealing with a sociopath. You have been tricked, deceived and manipulated. Somebody was deliberately moulding your reality, influencing your decisions and directing your thinking and behavior. Whatever happened during this time is not your fault. You did not realize what was going on. You were not fully informed. If you need to, forgive yourself. And realize that you do not have to apologize to other people either, if you don't want to.
9.Mind control (also known as brainwashing, coercive persuasion, mind abuse, menticide, thought control, or thought reform) refers to a process in which a group or individual "systematically uses unethically manipulative methods to persuade others to conform to the wishes of the manipulator(s), often to the detriment of the person being manipulated".[1] The term has been applied to any tactic, psychological or otherwise, which can be seen as subverting an individual's sense of control over their own thinking, behavior, emotions or decision making.

 

[Mitre]

New Topic The Rules Guide for Dating
http://books.google.com/books/about/All_the_Rules.html?id=uhko8Nh87d0C

I think the Rules are great for women, Why?. It prevent women from getting emotionally involved with a man too soon before he has proven his worth.Its about boundaries and self protection. Naturally you may adjust the rule to fit your lifestyle

Be a “Creature Unlike Any Other"
Don't Talk to a Man First (and Don't Ask Him to Dance)
Don't Stare at Men or Talk Too Much
Don't Meet Him Halfway or Go Dutch on a Date
Don't Call Him and Rarely Return His Calls
Always End Phone Calls First
Don't Accept a Saturday Night Date after Wednesday
Fill Up Your Time before the Date
How to Act on Dates 1, 2, and 3
How to Act on Dates 4 through Commitment Time
Always End the Date First
Stop Dating Him if He Doesn't Buy You a Romantic Gift for Your Birthday or Valentine's Day
Don’t See Him More than Once or Twice a Week
No More than Casual Kissing on the First Date
Don't Rush into Sex and Other Rules for Intimacy
Don't Tell Him What to Do
Let Him Take the Lead
Don't Expect a Man to Change or Try to Change Him
Don’t Open Up Too Fast
Be Honest but Mysterious
Accentuate the Positive and Other Rules for Personal Ads
Don’t Live with a Man (or Leave Your Things in His Apartment)
Don't Date a Married Man
Slowly Involve Him in Your Family and Other Rules for Women with Children
Practice, Practice, Practice! (or, Getting Good at The Rules)
Even if You're Engaged or Married, You Still Need The Rules
Do The Rules, Even when Your Friends and Parents Think It's Nuts
Be Smart and Other Rules for Dating in High School
Take Care of Yourself and Other Rules for Dating in College
Next! and Other Rules for Dealing with Rejection
Don't Discuss The Rules with Your Therapist
Don't Break The Rules
Do The Rules and You’ll Live Happily Ever After!
Love Only Those Who Love You
Be Easy to Live With

Question
How do people end up in unhealthy relationships despite warning signs that their partner was bad news to begin with?

Answer
we’re blinded by love.

Using MRI machines, researchers at the University College London found that “feelings of love lead to a suppression of activity in the areas of the brain controlling critical thought. It seems that once we get close to a person, the brain decides the need to assess their character and personality is reduced.” Not only does romantic love suppress our critical thinking, but feel-good chemicals and hormones like oxytocin and dopamine cloud our judgment even more. Love truly gives us a drug-like “high,” and it feels so good that we simply ignore the red flags waving right before us. If by chance you do take notice of a gal’s negative behavior or attitude, you’re likely to minimize it, writing it off as a cute quirk, or telling yourself, “Oh, it’s not that bad. Besides, maybe I can be the guy to help her improve.” Don’t fool yourself. You can’t force your partner to change; the change has to come from within. Also, problems that you notice at the beginning of a relationship tend to amplify themselves as the relationship deepens.

 

[Mitre]

New Topic How to tell if someone is lying
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P_6vDLq64gE Pamela Meyer: How to spot a liar

Lying is a cooperative act
1.Watch Body Language look for physical clues, especially sweating and fidgeting.
2.Seek Detail Liars' stories often lack detail, Her solution: Push your subject for particulars. The more minutiae a liar has to provide, the more likely he is to slip up.
3. Too much detail a liar will tell detailed stories hoping that something will stick.
4.Beware of Unpleasantness Liars are noticeably less cooperative than truth-tellers, andLiars also make more negative statements and complaints than truth-tellers do, and they appear somewhat less friendly and pleasant.
5.Observe Eye Contact A subject's failure to make eye contact is often sign of deceit. Do not use eye contact or lack of it as a sole indicator of truthfulness a liar does not always avoid eye contact. Humans naturally break eye contact and look at non-moving objects to help them focus and remember. Liars may deliberately make eye contact to seem more sincere; this can be practiced.
6.Signs of Stress Look for dilated pupils and a rise in vocal pitch both phenomena are more common in liars than truth-tellers.
7.Listen for the Pause Forced to make up a story on the spot, most speakers will take a beat or two to collect their thoughts.
8.Ask Again Police interrogators often ask suspects to repeat their stories, and listen for inconsistencies to ferret out lies. But be careful: "Smart people maintain the consistency of lies better than dumb people,".
9.Beware Those Who Protest Too Much Someone who consciously is trying to make you think he's honest--for instance, by injecting the phrase "to be honest"--may be lying.
10.Know Thyself One reason liars succeed is that listeners don't really want to know the truth, So be honest with yourself about what it is you want to hear.
11.Work on Your Intuition "Good human lie detectors, if there are such persons, are likely to be good intuitive psychologists.
12.First, establish the person's behaviors, mood and mannerisms for that particular point in time, before the questioning begins and look for Look for deviations from the baseline.
13.Change the subject. The best news a liar can receive is that the lie is over. When the person believes the topic of conversation has changed, he or she may be visibly relieved. A nervous person may loosen up; an agitated person may smile. This tactic also allows you to continue studying for deviations from the baseline or to look for a return to the baseline.
14.Listen. Sometimes, there will be no body language or visual cues that accompany a lie. You have to rely on the verbal information you receive. Do the facts add up? Is the person telling you lots of information that is unrelated to the question? If someone provides lots of details, ask more questions.
15.Look for micro-expressions. Micro-expressions are facial expressions that flash on a person's face for a fraction of a second and reveal the person's true emotion, underneath the lie.
16.Look for nose touching and mouth covering. People tend to touch the nose more when lying and a great deal less when telling the truth. This is perhaps due to a rush of adrenaline to the capillaries in the nose, causing the nose to itch.A lying person is more likely to cover his or her mouth with a hand or to place the hands near the mouth, almost as if to cover the lies coming forth. If the mouth appears tense and the lips are pursed, this can indicate distress.
17.Notice the person's eye movements. You can usually tell if a person is remembering something or making something up based on eye movements. When people remember details, their eyes move to the left if they are right-handed. When right-handed people make something up, their eyes move to the right. The reverse is true of left-handed people. People also tend to blink more rapidly ("eye flutter") as they're telling a lie. More common in men than in women, another tell of a lie can be rubbing the eyes.
Watch the eyelids. These tend to close longer than the usual blink when a person sees or hears something he or she doesn't agree with you will need to know how the person blinks normally during a non-stressful situation for accurate comparison. If the hands or fingers also go to the eyes, this may be another indicator of trying to "block out" the truth.
18.Notice when the person repeats sentences. If the suspect uses almost the exact same words over and over, then it's probably a lie. When a person makes up a lie, he or she often tries to remember a certain phrase or sentence that sounds convincing. When asked to explain the situation again, the liar will use the very same "convincing" sentence again.
19.Take time to establish rapport with the alleged liar and create a relaxed atmosphere. This includes not showing any signs that you suspect the other person of lying and making an effort to mirror his or her body language and pace of conversation. When questioning the person, act in an understanding, not overbearing, manner. This approach will help to let down the other person's guard and can help you to read the signs more clearly.
20.Stare at the alleged liar with a look of disbelief. If the person is lying, he or she will soon become uncomfortable. If the person is telling the truth, he or she will often become angry or just frustrated (lips pressed together, brows down, upper eyelid tensed and pulled down to glare).
21.Use silence. It's very hard for a liar to avoid filling silence created by you. He or she wants you to believe the lies being woven; silence gives no feedback on whether or not you've bought the story. By being patient and remaining silent, many deceitful people will keep talking to fill that silence, embellishing and possibly slipping up in the process, without even being asked anything!
22.Be careful. Although it is possible to detect dishonesty and lying, it is also possible to misread deception where there is none. A range of factors could be causing a person to appear as if he or she is lying when the "signs" might be due to embarrassment, shyness, awkwardness or a sense of shame/inferiority. A stressed person can be easily mistaken for a liar, stress mimic the indicators of lying indicators.
23.Notice the mid-sentence jump. The mid-sentence jump is when a clever liar tries to distract attention away from him or herself by interrupting themselves mid-stream and talking about something else. Someone might try to change the subject in this clever way: "I was going — Hey, did you get a new haircut this weekend?"Be especially cautious of compliments from the subject in question. The liar knows that people respond well to compliments, giving him or her a chance to escape interrogation by complimenting someone. Be wary of someone who delivers a compliment out of the blue
24.Be conscious of the person's usage of words. Verbal expressions can give you clues about whether a person is lying. These clues include:
Repeating your own exact words when answering a question.
Stalling tactics, such as asking for a question to be repeated. Other stalling tactics include stating that the question asked is excellent, that the answer isn't so simple as yes or no, or confrontational style responses such as "It depends on what you mean by X" or "Where did you get this information?"
Avoiding use of contractions, namely saying "I did not do it" instead of "I didn't do it." This is an attempt to make it absolutely clear what the liar means
Speaking in muddled sentences and not making sense; liars often stop mid-sentence, restart and fail to finish sentences.
Using humor and/or sarcasm to avoid the subject.
Using statements such as "to be honest," "frankly," "to be perfectly truthful," "I was brought up to never lie," etc. These can be a sign of deception
Answering too quickly with a negative statement of a positive assertion, such as "Did you wash those pots lazily?" answered by "No, I did not wash those pots lazily," as an attempt to avoid the impression of a delayed answer.
25.Pay close attention to the person's reaction to your questions. Someone who has told the truth doesn't feel much need to defend themselves, since they're telling the truth. A truthful person will often respond with even more detailed explanations to expressions of disbelief in his or her story. Someone aiming to deceive won't be ready to reveal much else but keeps repeating what has already been established. Listen for a subtle delay in responses to questions. An honest answer comes quickly from memory. Lies require a quick mental review of what they have told others to avoid inconsistency and to make up new details as needed. Note that when people look up to remember things, it does not necessarily mean that they're lying — this could just be a natural instinct.

 

[Mitre]

New Topic Healing 3- Assertivness, Self esteem
http://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/resources/infopax.cfm?Info_ID=51
http://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/resources/infopax.cfm?Info_ID=47

Assert Yourself!
Improve your Assertiveness. Being assertive is an important communication skill which can reduce your levels of depression and anxiety and improve your self esteem. This information package is designed to provide you with some information about assertiveness – what it is, what stops us from being assertive and how to become more assertive. This information package is organised into modules that are designed to be worked through in sequence. We recommend that you complete one module before going on to the next. Each module includes information, worksheets, and suggested exercises or activities.
Improving Self-Esteem
Overcoming Low Self-Esteem: This information package is designed to provide you with some information about low self-esteem - how it develops, how it is maintained, and how to address this problem. This infopax is organised into modules that are designed to be worked through in sequence. We recommend that you complete one module before going on to the next. Each module includes information, worksheets, and suggested exercises or activities.

 

[Mitre]

New Topic: Red Flags to Look for
Please feel free to send to your red flags via IM so I can add them to this list let me know if you want to receive credit for your suggestions

1.Flakiness, Possessive, and High-drama.
2.Professing they love for you when they just met you.
3.They use FOG Tactics Fear, Obligation and Guilt
4.Tell you that they know you more than you know yourself
5.Low stress tolerance with explosive behavior.
6.Moody – switches from nice guy/gal to anger without much provocation.
7.Survive on threats and intimidation to keep others chained to them.
8.They do not take responsibility for their behavior.
9.They have to be right. They have to win. They have to look good.
10.Very slow to forgive others. They hang on to resentment.
11.Unable to sustain a totally faithful relationship with love partner.
12.Tendency to project their own shortcomings onto the world about them – frequent blaming. Never at fault.
13.Ready rationalization – twists conversation to divorce themselves from responsibility.
14.Glimpses of integrity and emotion are seen – but short-lived. They give you hope that they are changing, but return soon to deviant behavior.
15.In a trust relationship, inevitably betray and violate their commitments and get blocked emotionally when they get too close to those they say they love.
16.They have no concept of open sharing of ideas, feelings, emotions. Conversation goes per their direction. They have the last word always.
17.Can show tenderness of feeling, then return to customary behaviors. Two (or more) vastly different sides to their personality are seen.
18.They never seem to get enough of what they want. They leave others feeling drained and confused.
19.Highly contradictory. He loves me, he hates me.
20.You end up feeling responsible for the problem. They get to your feelings. they win, you lose.
21.Attitude of “I’ll meet your needs if you meet mine. If you don’t, I’ll find someone else who will or I will not meet yours.”
22.They are so skilled at making a mountain out of a molehill, and you become so tired of the conflict. It drains all of your energy, love and hope.