Spinoff-- Can a Relationship Overcome Domestic Violence??

Suerte said:
No x3.

Abusers and stalkers don't stop... they may change the behavior but focus the negative energy in a different yet still negative way *ie he doesn't punch you anymore but he'll smash your car windows out*...

OR they escalate.

IE...kill.
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So true, My ex was like this. He stopped but then it went from physical to verbal. He had anger management issues period. If you dont get down to what problem he has to where he has to abuse you, it will manifest itself in another way.
 
I wouldn't stick around to find out- you've only got to beat my *** one time (and be prepared for me to whup yours right back) for me to leave.

BTW- what does "only happend one time" mean? Does it mean like a one time slap in the face or a one time full body cast beatdown? Can either situation really be justified? And then, it becomes a slippery slope. If one time is ok, then do you leave after just two times? Well, three is just one more than two, four is only one more than three.... Can we really quantify the point where it's supposed to end? For example, what if the first time was a beat down with a black eye and the second time was "only" a push against the wall? When do you finally say enough to any type of physical violence?
 
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I would say it depends..you talking a small shake/smack or an all out beating?? I can see mending things possibly after a minor incident if the guy went for help but an all out kick you in your stomach or punch you type of beating , I don't think that could ever work. Thats just my general thought, for me, I'm out either way.
 
i don't think a relationship can overcome domestic violence. Unless the husband undergoes serious therapy sessions and they erase the wife's memory.
 
Yea, I think a relationship can overcome abuse (emotional, physical, sexual etc).
No, I don't know anyone who's been in the circumstances.
No, I don't think I could stay in a relationship like that, especially if I had children.
 
Syrah said:
Yea, I think a relationship can overcome abuse (emotional, physical, sexual etc).
No, I don't know anyone who's been in the circumstances.
No, I don't think I could stay in a relationship like that, especially if I had children.
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do you really think it's possible to forgive your husband after he has raped you?

holding his hands over your mouth, ripping off your panties, ripping your vagina from forceful entry and demeaning your body as you try to scream and plead for him to stop?
 
It depends on whether you are ready to brace yourself for more abuse or if you want to be able to breath in your own house without wondering what's coming next...
I couldn't personally. I would probably cut one or two things off while he sleeps before I leave and plead insanity.
If this ever happened to me, I would have to go to my family and talk them out of hurting him. I've never been in that situation and I pray that it never happens, because somebody would lose a crayon... :look:
 
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I have seen more of these types of relationships than I care to recall, dating back to my early years into recent times and I have never seen anyone overcome with a healthy relationship so I'd say no, no, and no. I know so many would say that they would leave on day one, but I have seen very together women stay beyond the first blow, although they eventually left.
 
perlenoire83 said:
It depends on whether you are ready to brace yourself for more abuse or if you want to be able to breath in your own house without wondering what's coming next...
I couldn't personally. I would probably cut one or two things off while he sleeps before I leave and plead insanity.
If this ever happened to me, I would have to go to my family and talk them out of hurting him. I've never been in that situation and I pray that it never happens, because somebody would lose a crayon... :look:
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..and there you have it. :yep:

Having to worry about him snapping on you for any reason at all is exhaustive. Once you come out of even a mildly abusive relationship, you realize the joy of living in peace. Its priceless.
 
kurlybella said:
do you really think it's possible to forgive your husband after he has raped you?

holding his hands over your mouth, ripping off your panties, ripping your vagina from forceful entry and demeaning your body as you try to scream and plead for him to stop?
Click to expand...

I can't say - I've never been in the situation and don't ever plan on being in the situation.

But yes, I think its possible. How people honor the vows they take before friends, family and god is a personal thing, and I think there are people in this world who've been able to overcome such abuses.
 
perlenoire83 said:
It depends on whether you are ready to brace yourself for more abuse or if you want to be able to breath in your own house without wondering what's coming next...
I couldn't personally. I would probably cut one or two things off while he sleeps before I leave and plead insanity.
If this ever happened to me, I would have to go to my family and talk them out of hurting him. I've never been in that situation and I pray that it never happens, because somebody would lose a crayon... :look:
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And IMHO, it starts by letting small snaps go unnoticed. You won't raise your voice at me in public, nor will I. You won't call me a ***** in jest or in seriousness. We can have a public disagreement and I will continue to act like a woman while in public, and you will act like a man in public. You will not put me out of your car, nor will I do the same. You will not grab my arm or hand forcefully. We will have a heated argument, I will tell you I'm going to take a walk (or go for a drive) and you will let me because you know that's me telling you I'm at that point, and that we BOTH need a moment to cool down.

And if he puts his hands on me, you'll deal with the law and my father and his friends - and seeing what happened to one of his (my dad) friend's daughters when she came home with a black eye - for his sake, I hope the law gets there first.
 
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It is simple to answer no, no, and no (not a critcism, just an observation) to those questions. But for me I honestly believe that bridge can't be crossed until you get there, the answers depend on the individual.

1. Unless the abuser is will to acknowledge the flaws in their behavior and actively seeks help to change their behavior, and the one who was abused is able to mentally move on from the incident, then a relationship can overcome domestic violence, maybe :look:.

2. We were not able to overcome it in our relationship, see #1. In the end, he was not willing to try and I was worn out.

3. Then, I did stay because in love with the man I met and could not separate him from the monster he became. But knowing what I know now, me personally, cant do it again. I dont have it in me and my reaction to abuse is much different (as in... someone will go to jail and the other to the morgue :look:) and the circumstances will not matter.

I have crossed that bridge
 
I can never speak to what I would really do because I've never been in an abusive relationship but I will say that I would very likely kill any man that put his hands on me so no in my case the relationship would not overcome abuse and I've never seen a relationship that was able to overcome it.
 
No. Abuse is a deal breaker for me. Even if the guy got counseling and made an honest attempt to change; I'd never be able to have the same respect for him.
 
1. Can a relationship overcome domestic violence? If so, what does it take to overcome the violence and form a lasting, healthy relationship? Religion and prayer, counseling or rehabilitation? No I don't think so. I've been told by some that prayer helps.

2. Did you or anyone you know overcome domestic violence in a relationship? If so, how did you or the couple go about it? Yes a very close relative of mine. And by overcome I mean that she first gave they guy a second chance, the guy failed, she left him and is now happily married and has children.

3. And I know most people (especially those who have never been in the situation) will publicy say that they would leave their mate if an abusive incident happened, but is there any circumstance where you would stay and work on your relationship? I believe in working it out, something I would *consider* working out is if my SO cheats on me, but verbal and physical abuse are on my top list as no no's:nono::nono::nono:, I ain't havin' that.
 
Yeah once the abuser finds out you ain't having that mess they often times will think twice before trying that bs again! :look: Well thats my experience from a kneegrow attempting to slap me in my youngen days.
 
No too all three of your questions =(

It will only escalte and get worse.

Must leave thread now

My friend from High School was murdered by her kids father a year ago all b/c she tried to move on with her life. The B@@@@@@! Did not let her he killed her in front of their 4 babies! No d*** excuse! No overcomming death!

His words was before she passed her ex kept on telling her

" If I can't have you no one else will"!

Domestic Violence / Murder/ He fled from authorites! Until they caught him.
Then he killed her shot her down in front of her kids!
 
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1. Maybe a relationship can overcome domestic violence if the abuser REALLY wishes to change. In most cases..they feel YOU are to blame for their violent outrages. And a person cannot begin to change unless they admit they have a problem.
2. I overcame domestic violence by leaving.

3. I can't think of a good reason to stay. I don't want to walk around on eggshells trying to make sure I don't upset. I don't want to jump when his hand comes toward me afraid I'm going to be hit. I don't want to wear long sleeves and pants in the summer to hide the bruises.

How can I know they changed for good anyway? Typical abuser will apologize and bring you presents and treat you like a queen for a few days and then go off on you again at the drop of a hat. It repeats over and over and it gets WORSE.
 
The sad thing about domestic violence (from 1st hand experience) is that the abuser lays the groundwork well before the first incident.

The ex who took me through this started out by trying to convince me that domestic violence is normal, common, and therefore acceptable. He'd tell me that this acquaintance beats his girl, that neighbor beats his girl, that his own brother beats his girl... :nono:

He also tried to disrupt/destroy any supportive family relationships I had, and isolated me from friends.

Oh, and how could I forget... the "scaring". AKA threatening me, and when I became indignant he would pout "I was just trying to scare you." :nono:

I will make sure to school my daughter thoroughly on this issue.

I highly reccomend the book When Dad Hits Mom by Lundy Bancroft.
 
I really had to take time to think about this...a few considerations came to mind.

1.) How did he hurt me? Did he haul off and punch me in the face, or just grab my arm?
2.) Why did he hurt me? Did I forget to put the cap on the toothpaste, or did I curse him, his mother & his small penis and throw a lamp at him?
3.) What is it about our interaction that causes such an emotional response to allow for violence toward each other? Sometimes, no matter how much you love each other, you bring out each others' ugly side.

Depending on the situation, it's possible that we both need counseling and could grow from our relationship if we put in the effort. However, I think in most cases it's best to move on.
 
Thanks ladies for all of your responses. Obviously, I bumped this in light of the Chrihanna drama but it had been on my mind for awhile. I had an associate confide in me that he hit his wife before, on one occassion so badly that he damaged her tooth. He is extremely religious, both he and his wife are gospel artists. They also have a small child. When he told me this I was absolutely shocked. I know it will sound convenient to say this, but truthfully when I first met him he reminded me of Chris Brown based on looks and personality. I just never in a million years would have thought that this was going on behind the scenes of their relationship. I guess you just never really know and sometimes it's the ones that you least expect. Based on what he said, I was led to believe that the abuse had stopped. But I'm not so sure now and it's left me wondering if they will ever overcome the violence in their relationship. It really saddens me to think about this.
 
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