Warning Signs of an Abusive Relationship

[Mitre]

The Guru
Motivation: task focused

Mindset: confusion, inability to understand how others think and feel

Malice: zero to low; when held accountable, low to medium (it's often the absence of malice that identifies a guru type of serial bully) but could be medium to high if narcissistic or psychopathic traits are present

often successful in their narrow field of expertise
regarded as an expert
valued by the employer because s/he brings in the money, status etc
ruthlessly pursues objectives regardless of the cost
ruthless determination to succeed
can be successful over the medium term in their field
task focused
zero people skills
control freak
mainly but not exclusively male
often has a favourite who receives extra attention but who is expected to reciprocate with sycophancy
favours, protects and promotes non-threatening sycophants whilst marginalizing and hindering the advancement of those with higher levels of competence, especially in people skills
apt to betray those formerly favoured, especially when the favoured person starts to show independence of thought or action, or starts to receive more attention or become more popular than their mentor
a male Guru in a position of power may exhibit inappropriate sexual conduct
gauche, aggressive and unpleasant but not evil
may not be overtly attention-seeking but dislikes those around them getting more attention than they're getting, or getting attention which doesn't include the bully
selfish, self-centred, self-opinionated, dogmatic and thoughtless and with a tendency to pontificate
apt to throw temper tantrums when things don't go well or can't get their own way
emotionally immature, perhaps emotionless, sometimes cold and frigid
convincingly intellectualises feelings to compensate for emotional immaturity
intelligent (often highly) but lacks common sense
is happy to lie to suit own purposes
can have a rigid routine
does not accept responsibility for their own behavior
blames others for own inadequacies
refuses to recognise that they could have any shortcomings of their own
does not live in the present
usually extremely neat (for example, desk is always clear)
organized (sometimes overly)
tempts fate but always gets away with it
has stereotypical ideas about gender roles (though this may not be expressed consciously)
makes assumptions about others' thoughts
does not follow social rules, for example may display bad table manners in public
appears unable and unwilling to engage in and sustain small talk
seems unaware of the nature and purpose of rapport
seems to exhibit some symptoms similar to autism, although autistic people tend to be shy, introspective and lack manipulative skills and are usually the targets of bullying, not the perpetrators (it's unknown whether there might be a common cause or whether the similarities are just a superficial coincidence) [more on autism]
appears unable to read people and their thoughts and especially feelings
when held accountable exhibits genuine confusion as to why their behaviour is inappropriate
in cases where malice is low or absent the person my be regarded as somewhat avuncular or mildly jovial or charismatic in nature
likes the appearance of normalcy but rejects responsibilities of relationships
is unable to comprehend or meet the emotional needs of others
often puts work and duty above everything, including relationships
makes power plays, for example leaves the room when someone is speaking, or pretends not to hear and constantly asking a person to repeat what they just said, etc
doesn't share information about self (thoughts, insights, etc) and is not open to receiving this type of information from others (allegedly knows it all already) secretive
possessive of objects and sometimes people
may view people as objects (this enables controlling behaviour of other people)
thinks of self as superior and above the law / rules / regulations etc (these only apply to other people)
uses denial as a defence mechanism
there are likely to be problems with succession

 

[Mitre]

The Socialized Psychopath or Sociopath
Motivation: power, gratification, personal gain, survival

Mindset: manipulation, deception, evil

Malice: high to very high; when held accountable, off the scale

1.Also known as the corporate psychopath, workplace psychopath, industrial psychopath and administrative psychopath.
2.Jekyll & Hyde personality
3. always charming and beguilingly plausible, especially to those who are capable of protecting or enhancing the sociopath's position
4. excels at deception (this must never be underestimated, but always is)
excels at evasion of accountability
5. is extremely and successfully manipulative of people's perceptions and emotions (eg guilt and anger)
6. silver-tongued, has an extreme verbal facility and can outwit anybody (including a top barrister) in verbal conflict
7. will often engineer himself or herself into a position of authority as gatekeeper of the organisation and thus the person through whom all information must flow, and the person to whom all requests for services must be referred - which he or she then takes delight in denying
8. is adept at offering weak and inadequate people the positions of power, control, security, influence or respect that they crave but who lack the necessary competencies to achieve - such people are unaware that their consequent dependence on the sociopath makes them permanent manipulatees, pawns and expendable agents of harassment
9. identifies those essential to the sociopath's survival and manipulates their perceptions them by making them feel special and thus obligated to reciprocate with support and protection
10. manipulates others into making fools of themselves in situations where they cannot back down or from which they cannot withdraw - these people become increasingly susceptible to further manipulation and are then trapped as pawns in the sociopath's game
11. is likely to be surrounded by people who, having been subjected to control, manipulation and punishment by the sociopath, look wretched and who start to exhibit behaviour best described as disordered, dysfunctional, sullen, aggressive, defensive, hostile, retaliatory, counterproductive or cult-like and for whom disbelief, disavowal and denial are instinctive responses
12. creates an environment where levels of denial are so great that those involved are oblivious of the foolishness and self-evident absurdity of their denials when presented with the facts, with the result that non-involved observers are led to question whether such levels of denial merit psychiatric intervention
13. is contemptuous of disrepute to their organisation and of collateral damage and of the destructive consequences for all direct and indirect parties
is always surrounded by and leaves behind a trail of dysfunctional organisations, destroyed businesses, ruined careers, stress breakdowns and unexplained suicides
14. despite a trail of devastation to individuals, organisations, families and communities, the actions of a socialised psychopath may go undetected or unrecognised for years
15. a history of conducting frivolous, vexatious and malicious legal actions, especially (but not exclusively) against anyone who can recognise the sociopath for what he is
16. only after the sociopath is exposed and relieved of position, or they move on, can the full depth of their destructive behaviour be fathomed and the consequences calculated
17. is skilled at identifying, undermining, discrediting, neutralising and destroying anyone who can see through the sociopath's mask of sanity
at all times restricts the actions and rights of others (especially those holding the sociopath accountable) whilst aggressively protecting his or her right to do anything without being hampered by social norms or legal requirements
pursues endless vindictive vendettas against anyone perceived as a threat or who attempts, knowingly or unknowingly, to identify or reveal or expose the sociopath, or who makes efforts to hold the sociopath accountable

18. is adept at appropriating rules, regulations, procedures and law to manipulate, control and punish accusers regardless of relevance, logic, facts or consequences
19. persists in and pursues vindictive vendettas using self-evidently false evidence or information, even after this is brought to the attention of the sociopath
20. will often manipulate minor bullies of the Wannabe type (who on their own might or would not merit the label 'serial bully') into acting as agents of harassment and as unwitting or unwilling conductors of vendettas
is adept at placing people in situations where the sociopath can tap into each person's instinctive urge to retaliate in order to use them as his or her instruments or agents of harassment
21. gains gratification from provoking others into engaging in adversarial conflict
once conflict has been initiated, the sociopath gains increased gratification by exploiting human beings' instinctive need to retaliate - this is achieved by encouraging and escalating peoples' adversarial conflicts into mutually assured destruction
22. revels in the gratification gained from seeing or causing other people's distress
23. when faced with accountability or unwelcome attention which might lead to others discerning the sociopath's true nature, responds with repeated and escalating attempts to control, manipulate and punish
24. is adept at reflecting all accusations and attempts at accountability back onto their accusers
25. is adept at creating conflict between those who would otherwise pool negative information about the sociopath
26. has no limits on his or her vindictiveness
27. the need to control, manipulate and punish develops into an obsession with many of the hallmarks of an addiction
28. is skilled at mimicry and can plausibly and spontaneously regurgitate all the latest management jargon
29. exhibits minimal professional skill level and competency
30. exploits his or her intelligence to excel at talentless mediocrity
31. is always identifying the behaviours and strategies to which other people respond with the desired effect
32. is able to anticipate and credibly say what people want to hear
is easily able to win people over before betraying them or deceiving them or ripping them off
33. easily manipulates and bewitches an immature or naive or vulnerable or emotionally needy person to be their spokesperson or agent of aggression
34. exploits anyone who has a vulnerability
35. is pushy and extremely persuasive
36. is sexually inadequate and sexually abusive
37. is likely to protect anyone accused of or suspected of sexual abuse of pedophile activity, and will frustrate or obstruct investigations into that person
maybe associating with, or actively involved in, abuse or pedophile activity
38. has no emotions, no emotional processing capability and no ability to understand other's emotions
39. is incapable of understanding, initiating or sustaining intimacy
40. the male sociopath has often convinced a string of women to feel they are in love with him and despite being treated abominably they blindly continue to be loyal to him and minister willingly to his every demand
41. may start projects with apparent enthusiasm and energy but quickly loses interest
42. frequently takes unnecessary and uncalculated risks but takes no account of consequences
43. is reckless and untrustworthy with money
44. is likely to be illegally diverting or siphoning off significant sums of money to 45. his or her own budget, project, account or cause
46. is unreliable and untrustworthy in every facet of life
47. is likely to be leaking confidential information or secrets to third parties
48. is likely to have committed or be committing criminal or near-criminal offences, eg fraud, embezzlement, deception
49. is likely to have committed or be committing breaches of harassment and discrimination law, employment law, contract law, etc
50. disregards rules, regulations, Health and Safety requirements, professional standards, codes of conduct and legal requirements, etc
51. cannot comprehend the deeper semantic meaning of language and is thus unable to understand or appreciate metaphor, hyperbole, irony, satire etc (these elicit either zero response or a hostile response)
52. likes, seeks, enjoys and relies on procedure, ritual and ritualistic practices
through arrogant overconfidence takes increasingly risky chances and eventually overplays their hand or makes a mistake which leads to the sociopath revealing him or herself
53. exhibits parasitical behaviour, takes everything and gives nothing
grabs headline credit for minimal, flukey or other peoples' success whilst surviving off the backs of manipulatees who are exclusively blamed for all failures
54. rarely blinks, may have stary scary eyes that cut right through you, or may avoid eye contact completely
55. is callous, cold and calculating
56. is devious, clever and cunning
57. is ruthless in the extreme
58. regards people as objects and playthings to be discarded when surplus to requirements
59. displays zero empathy
60. completely without conscience, remorse and guilt
61. malicious and evil

 

[Mitre]

New Topic:THE SEXUAL DANGERS OF SPANKING CHILDREN
Linkhttp://www.nospank.net/sexdngr.htm


Buttocks are a sexual zone
Like women’s breasts, the buttocks are a sexual or erogenous part of the human anatomy, even though they are not actually sex organs. This is why baring one’s buttocks in public is considered indecent as well as unlawful and why their exposure in movies or on television constitutes nudity. It is also why someone who uninvitedly fondles another person’s buttocks is treated by law as a sexual offender. The sexual nature of the buttocks is explained not only by their proximity to the genitals, but also by their high concentration of nerve endings which lead directly to sexual nerve centers. Hence, the buttocks are a major locus of sexual signals.

Children are sexual beings
The sexuality of the buttocks is significant not just to adults, but to children as well. Even though they are sexually immature and without an active sex drive, children are from birth neurologically complete sexual beings who are capable of experiencing erotic sensation. The existence of pedophiles, furthermore, means that children can also become the targets of sexual intentions. As much as we might like to imagine childhood as an innocent, carefree world beyond the influence of sexuality, we do children a disservice if we fail to recognize that they too have erogenous zones which deserve consideration and respect.

Spanking as sexual violation
Since children are sexual beings and since the buttocks are a sexual region of the body, we should question the propriety of slapping children’s buttocks. We generally understand that fondling or caressing a child’s buttocks is a sexual offense (even if the child does not understand it to be so). We also know that slapping an adult’s buttocks is a sexual offense (even if the offender does not get sexual pleasure from doing so).

The question, then, is why slapping a child’s buttocks is not considered a sexual offense. Is it because spanking, unlike fondling, is physically painful and used to punish misbehavior? No, or painfully spanking a misbehaving adult would not be a sexual offense. Is it because children are less likely to be sexual targets than adults, less likely to feel violated, and therefore protected less strictly? No, or fondling an adult would be a far more serious crime than fondling a child. A more plausible explanation for this breach of logic is simply that the majority of people are unable or unwilling to believe there could be anything indecent about a practice as old, common and accepted as the spanking of children—something which nearly everyone has received, given or witnessed at least once. And since spankings typically come from esteemed or even beloved authority figures, many people are loath to question this behavior.

Spanking and psychosexual development
Even without sexual motives on the part of the punisher, spanking can interfere with a child’s normal sexual and psychological development. Because the buttocks are so close to the genitals and so multiply linked to sexual nerve centers, slapping them can trigger powerful and involuntary sensations of sexual pleasure. This can happen even in very young children, and even in spite of great, clearly upsetting pain.

This kind of sexual stimulation, which undermines any disciplinary purpose and which most people would agree is unsuitable for children in any context, can cause a child to impressionably attach his or her sexuality to the idea of spanking. This fixation may endure to cause problems in adult life. Or, on the other hand, the child might react against these unseemly feelings of pleasure by repressing his or her sexuality, so much perhaps that as an adult, he or she has difficulty experiencing sexual pleasure and intimacy.

An additional danger is that the confusing mixture of pleasure with pain will become the basis for permanent sadomasochistic tendencies. Sadomasochism, in which a person takes pleasure in inflicting or receiving pain, drives behavior that is destructive to oneself and to others, and therefore to society at large. While the intensity and background of individuals’ sadomasochism varies widely, the great majority of studied cases point to the same primary cause: childhood whippings, usually on the buttocks.

The odds that spanking a child will lead to psychosexual aberrations would be difficult to calculate. However, the fact that there is any chance of these problems occurring should be reason enough to abandon the practice. (It is important to note that even children who are never spanked themselves can be negatively impacted by seeing other children punished this way.) The risks are completely unnecessary.

Spanking and modesty
Imagine your reaction if an authority figure, having discovered some misdeed of yours, pinned you across his lap and began slapping your buttocks. Painfulness aside, most people would consider this a rude, inexcusable assault on their modesty, no matter what they had done to “deserve” it.

Many people might assume that children, especially very young children, are too ignorant or naive to feel such indignity, or perhaps too impressed by the physical pain of spanking to care about much else. The truth is, however, that spanking can seriously injure a child’s sense of modesty. When a child is old enough to be told by adults to act modestly (which is not merely a social requirement, but also a wise precaution against potential child molesters), that child is likely to internalize and develop modesty as a personal value that will increase with age. This value persists even though the child might lapse into immodest behavior from time to time, as most children do. Consequently, the child whose buttocks are slapped may experience deep and lasting sexual shame, especially if the punishment is done in front of others or involves a state of undress. Actually, there are some adults who consciously emphasize this humiliation as part of the punishment (and some, for that matter, who do not limit spanking to younger children or even to preteens). But just as inflicting sexual shame is an unthinkable punishment for adults in any civilized society, it is surely an outrageous way to treat children.

It is a strange inconsistency, furthermore, for adults to exhort children to modesty while punishing them in a way that aggressively denies their modesty and privacy. Such mixed messages tend to confuse children or make them skeptical toward adult authority. Especially if adults hope to instill children with strong values of modesty, self-respect, and respect for others — values that become very important through the trials of puberty and adolescence — adults should teach by example and refrain from the disrespectful practice of bottom-slapping.

Conclusion
It is not disputed that spanking has a sexual side as well as a punitive side. Indeed, our popular culture and media suggest there is wide awareness of this fact, however unspoken. Society has nonetheless failed to squarely address the serious implications of spanking’s punitive/sexual duality. Considering the power of sex to corrupt, along with the coercive nature of punishment, we should be alarmed at the very idea of discipline through spanking – all the more so when it is directed at a group of people as powerless, fragile and unsuspecting as children.

 

[Mitre]

EXPERTS’ QUOTES
“Spanking on the buttocks can produce definitely erotic sensations, including sexual orgasm, in some children. Some of these children have been known to cause themselves to be spanked, by misconducting themselves on purpose and by pretending distress while receiving the desired ‘punishment’... The frequency with which this happens is not known, although it may not be altogether rare... The spankings in these cases may have been given for the adult’s own perverted gratification (‘sadism’); or at least there might have been culpable awareness and toleration of the child’s sexual reaction on the part of the adult. ...Only some decades ago perverts masquerading as governesses or tutors were reportedly anything but rare in some European countries.”
J. F. Oliven, M.D. Sexual Hygiene and Pathology (1965)

“In many cases, the avowed disciplinary value of flagellation in schools and colleges was a mere pretense to enable sadists to secure sexual titillation.”
George Ryley Scott, historian, sociologist, anthropologist. The History of Corporal Punishment (1938)

“When a child is hit on the buttocks... [t]his kind of violent touch can be sexualized in the child’s mind not only because of a real flow of blood into the genitalia, but also because of a longing for intimacy with the parent: if painful physical touch is the only fulfillment of that longing, then this can “feel good.”
Shere Hite, sex researcher, sociopsychologist. The Hite Report on the Family (1995)

“These are the realities that most of us remain eager to deny... So long as children are beaten by adults, the obsessions with domination and submission, with power and authority, with shame and humiliation, with painful pleasure – all hallmarks of sadomasochism – will remain an enduring consequence of the ordinary violence and coercion done in the name of discipline... Sadomasochism is not an aberration; it is inherent in corporal punishment...”
Philip Greven, professor of history. Spare the Child (1990)

“I have had constantly to do with neurotics in whom sadistic feelings were first aroused by corporal punishment; after the sadistic impulse thus awakened has been repressed and forms the starting points of very malignant aberrations about which it would be very disingenuous to aver that they would have developed without the free use of the rod... The number of those who are harmed through beating, especially upon the buttocks, is undoubtedly very great... Even one who passionately contemns sexuality will hardly be inclined to deny that the corporal punishment induced well-marked sexual stimulation—although the gluteal region is not within the domain of the genital organs.”
Oskar Pfister, physician, psychoanalyst. Love in Children and its Aberrations (1924)

“Frequent spankings, too, may have a negative impact on sex development. Because of the proximity of the sex organs, a child may get sexually aroused when spanked. Or he may so enjoy the making up that follows the punishment that he will seek suffering as a necessary prelude to love. There are many adult couples who seem to need a good fight before a good night.”
Dr. Haim G. Ginott, child psychologist. Between Parent and Child (1966)

“Advocates of corporal punishment in schools should examine very carefully the weight of evidence now available and, particularly in light of the pornographic component, consider whether they can justify the continuation of a system with such a capacity for exciting unhealthy interest.”
British Psychological Society, “Report on Corporal Punishment in Schools” (1980)

“Being beaten excites children sexually because it is an intense excitation of the erogenous zones of the skin of the buttocks and of the muscles below the skin...”
Otto Fenichel, M.D. The Psychoanalytic Theory of Neurosis (1945)

“Ever since Jean-Jacques Rousseau’s Confessions, it has been well known to all educationalists that the painful stimulation of the skin of the buttocks is one of the erotic roots of the passive instrument of cruelty (masochism).”
Sigmund Freud. Three Essays on the Theory of Sexuality, VII (1905)

“The adult flagellant fantasy, in short, always derives from the infantile one. As with all sexual perversions, we are dealing with a variety of arrested development...that puberty and subsequent experience have been unable to dislodge... We need to examine its roots in childhood...”
Ian Gibson, The English Vice (1979)

NEWS REPORTS
The New York Times
(12/22/92)
The director of a Manhattan junior high school for children at risk of dropping out was arrested yesterday and charged with sexually abusing a 14-year-old boy who was a ninth-grader at the school, officials said... [Investigator Robert] Viteretti said that on two occasions [the director] asked the boy into his office, then closed and locked his door and pulled down the boy’s pants and underwear. ‘He would start spanking the boy for his own sexual gratification, and stroking and caressing his genitalia,’ he said...

The Sacramento Bee
(3/26/95)
PHOENIX — The headmaster of a private school has been arrested and accused of forcing a 15-year-old girl to remove her clothing and kneel in prayer while he struck her with a wooden paddle. The girl’s mother witnessed the paddling, too frightened to do anything to stop it, Phoenix police said... The teen’s 6-year-old sister, waiting in the next room, also heard her sister’s cries for help, police said...

Her mother had brought her there to consider enrolling her in September.

Police say Michael William Wetton told the girl during her 75-minute ordeal on Feb. 24 that he wanted her to understand corporal punishment, which is used to discipline students at the school... After Wetton’s arrest, some parents directed anger at the police... “The Bible says to use the rod,” [school board member Rosemary] Rice said, adding that the arrest “is an assault on Christian beliefs.”...

As part of the orientation, Wetton reportedly took the girl to a room alone and told her to take off her clothes. Crying, she removed everything but her bra and panties. Wetton then struck her once with a wooden paddle. Wetton then reportedly forced the girl to disrobe completely, made her kneel as if in prayer and struck her across the buttocks. Then, police say, he forced her to grab the edge of a table, spread her legs and submit to another swat. Finally, he made her bow down to him and recite the Lord’s Prayer.


The Plain Dealer (Cleveland)
(8/19/97)
ELYRIA—Raymond Boyle could get two years in prison after pleading guilty yesterday to child endangering for spanking his teenage daughters with their pants down.

Gary A. Crow, executive director of Lorain County Children Services, said the case shows how blurry the line can be between discipline and abuse.

Ohio law permits use of reasonable corporal punishment, but prosecutors said Boyle’s methods were a mental risk to his daughters, 15 and 13...

Amherst police Detective Alex Molnar said Boyle, 39, required his daughters to strip naked from the waist down before spanking them last year.

Officials said one girl was spanked three times, with the first in January 1995 and the last in April 1996; and the other was spanked in April 1996.

Molnar said they confided the humiliation to a school counselor after the April incident. Molnar said the girls were punished by their father repeatedly for minor things, including misbehaving on the school bus or disobeying his rules...


The News-Times (Danbury, CT)
(12/3/96)
LITCHFIELD, Conn. (AP) - A little league coach accused of repeatedly spanking a little girl after pulling down her pants has been charged with sexual assault.

Ronald Ellis, 30, of New Hartford, was in Bantam Superior Court on Monday. He was released on a written promise to appear in court.

Ellis has been charged with fourth-degree sexual assault and risk of injury to a minor in the October incidents...


The Gazette (Montreal)
(10/31/00)
Amanda Green was being a naughty 7-year-old and knew it on that day 13 years ago when she played with the water and climbed on the toilets in the girls’ bathroom at Greendale elementary school in Pierrefonds.

She and her girlfriend were caught by their teacher, and Amanda knew shewas in for it when she was sent to the principal’s office.

David Wadsworth, principal of the school, immediately said he would see the girls individually. When it was Amanda’s turn, the Grade 2 student nervously entered Wadsworth’s office.

What she had done was wrong, Wadsworth told her, and now he was going to let her pick one of two choices for a punishment: either he would tell her parents and teachers what she had done and take away certain privileges, such as recess and gym; or she could take off her pants and panties and let him spank her as he would his own child, and no one need ever know what had happened.

“Can’t I leave my underwear on?” asked Amanda. No, she vividly remembers Wadsworth telling her, embarrassment is part of the punishment.

Amanda, a feisty child, knew she shouldn’t have to remove her clothes. She didn’t like either punishment, she told him, defiantly. Perhaps taken aback by someone willing to stand up to him, Wadsworth told her to leave his office and never again brought up the incident.

Amanda’s friend chose the spanking.

Wadsworth has pleaded guilty to possession of child pornography - pictures and videos of children being spanked - as well as to sexual assault and gross indecency against eight former students at a Pincourt elementary school. Amanda Green, now a Concordia University student, finds herself haunted by how many other children might have chosen to be spanked on a bare bottom by a man everyone believed was a sweetheart principal and a terrific teacher...

 

[Mitre]

New Topic: Personality Disordered Folks Who are these people?

In romantic relationships, they are controlling, abusive, manipulative partners who can ruin not only the relationship, but our self-esteem, finances, and reputation.

As a parent, they can put the "D" in Dysfunctional Family and be the parent that abuses, neglects, ignores, or psychologically damages their children.

As a family member, they maintain themselves as the center of attention and keep the family in an uproar, or they may be the 45 year old brother who has never worked and remains dependent on the family for his support. They may be the brother or sister who verbally bullies and intimidates others with their temper tantrums.

As a friend they may be irresponsible, selfish, unreliable, dishonest, and often create significant problems in our life.

As a neighbor, they spread rumors, create disharmony in the neighborhood, and steal our lawnmower.

As a coworker they are manipulative, unethical, dishonest, and willing to damage co-workers to achieve their employment goals.

On the street they are the criminals, con artists, and people-users who purposefully damage others, then quickly move on to avoid detection.

As an abused woman, understand and believe these three simple, life-saving truths:

1) You have done nothing to deserve being used as a psychological toy, a financial resource or a dumpster for all his emotional garbage. The second item to wrap your head - and your heart - around is this:

2) You can't stop him from being abusive. You can't love him enough to 'change him' and stop the abuse. Only he can make the decision to stop being an abusive person. Only he can decide to accept responsibility for his behaviour and make the necessary changes for personal growth such as seeking professional therapy.

He may have childhood trauma or may be carrying baggage from previous relationships - but whatever his reasons and issues are - there is no excuse for the way he treats you.

3) You are in control of your life through every single choice and decision you make every single moment of every day. You are the only person controlling your life even when it may seem as though someone else is pulling all the strings.

 

[Mitre]

New Topic: How do I recognize a bully?


Most bullying is traceable to one person, male or female - bullying is not a gender issue. Bullies are often clever people (especially female bullies) but you can be clever too.

Who does this describe in your life?

Jekyll & Hyde nature - vicious and vindictive in private, but innocent and charming in front of witnesses; no-one can (or wants to) believe this individual has a vindictive nature - only the current target sees both sides

is a convincing, compulsive liar and when called to account, will make up anything spontaneously to fit their needs at that moment

uses lots of charm and is always plausible and convincing when peers, superiors or others are present; the motive of the charm is deception and its purpose is to compensate for lack of empathy

relies on mimicry to convince others that they are a "normal" human being but their words, writing and deeds are hollow, superficial and glib

displays a great deal of certitude and self-assuredness to mask their insecurity

excels at deception

exhibits unusual inappropriate attitudes to sexual matters or sexual behaviour; underneath the charming exterior there are often suspicions or intimations of sexual harassment, sex discrimination or sexual abuse (sometimes racial prejudice as well)

exhibits much controlling behaviour and is a control freak

displays a compulsive need to criticise whilst simultaneously refusing to acknowledge, value and praise others

when called upon to share or address the needs and concerns of others, responds with impatience, irritability and aggression

often has an overwhelming, unhealthy and narcissistic need to portray themselves as a wonderful, kind, caring and compassionate person, in contrast to their behaviour and treatment of others; the bully is oblivious to the discrepancy between how they like to be seen (and believe they are seen), and how they are actually seen

has an overbearing belief in their qualities of leadership but cannot distinguish between leadership (maturity, decisiveness, assertiveness, trust and integrity) and bullying (immaturity, impulsiveness, aggression, distrust and deceitfulness)

when called to account, immediately and aggressively denies everything, then counter-attacks with distorted or fabricated criticisms and allegations; if this is insufficient, quickly feigns victimhood, often by bursting into tears (the purpose is to avoid answering the question and thus evade accountability by manipulating others through the use of guilt)

is also ... aggressive, devious, manipulative, spiteful, vengeful, doesn't listen, can't sustain mature adult conversation, lacks a conscience, shows no remorse, is drawn to power, emotionally cold and flat, humourless, joyless, ungrateful, dysfunctional, disruptive, divisive, rigid and inflexible, selfish, insincere, insecure, immature and deeply inadequate, especially in interpersonal skills.

abusers do emit subtle, almost subliminal, signals in their body language even in a first or casual encounter.

"Haughty" body language The abuser adopts a physical posture which implies and exudes an air of superiority, seniority, hidden powers, mysteriousness, amused indifference, etc. Though the abuser usually maintains sustained and piercing eye contact, he often refrains from physical proximity (he maintains his personal territory).

The abuser takes part in social interactions even mere banter condescendingly, from a position of supremacy and faux "magnanimity and largesse". But even when he feigns gregariousness, he rarely mingles socially and prefers to remain the "observer", or the "lone wolf".

Entitlement markers the abuser immediately asks for "special treatment" of some kind. Not to wait his turn, to have a longer or a shorter therapeutic session, to talk directly to authority figures (and not to their assistants or secretaries), to be granted special payment terms, to enjoy custom tailored arrangements. This tallies well with the abuser's alloplastic defenses - his tendency to shift responsibility to others, or to the world at large, for his needs, failures, behavior, choices, and mishaps ("Look what you made me do!").
The abuser is the one who vocally and demonstratively demands the undivided attention of the head waiter in a restaurant, or monopolizes the hostess, or latches on to celebrities in a party. The abuser reacts with rage and indignantly when denied his wishes and if treated the same as others whom he deems inferior. Abusers frequently and embarrassingly "dress down" service providers such as waiters or cab drivers.

Idealization or devaluation: The abuser instantly idealizes or devalues his interlocutor. He flatters, adores, admires and applauds the "target" in an embarrassingly exaggerated and profuse manner or sulks, abuses, and humiliates him.

Abusers are polite only in the presence of a potential would-be victim - a "mate", or a "collaborator". But they are unable to sustain even perfunctory civility and fast deteriorate to barbs and thinly-veiled hostility, to verbal or other violent displays of abuse, rage attacks, or cold detachment.

The "membership" posture. The abuser always tries to "belong". Yet, at the very same time, he maintains his stance as an outsider. The abuser seeks to be admired for his ability to integrate and ingratiate himself without investing the efforts commensurate with such an undertaking.

For instance: if the abuser talks to a psychologist, the abuser first states emphatically that he never studied psychology. He then proceeds to make seemingly effortless use of obscure professional terms, thus demonstrating that she mastered the discipline all the same which is supposed to prove that she is exceptionally intelligent or introspective.

 

[Mitre]

New Topic: The Ten Commandments of Self-Esteem

Link http://www.heart-2-heart.ca/women/women-developing-healthy-self-esteem.php open link to read complete article

1 Thou shalt not consort with people who make thee feel bad about thyself.
2 Thou shalt cease trying to make sense of crazy behaviour.
3 Thou shalt not keep company with those more dysfunctional than thyself.
4 Trust thy body all the days of thy life [ Thy mind doth fornicate with thee ].
5 Thou hast permission at all times to say "NO", to change thy mind, and to express thy true feelings.
6 What is not right for thee is not right for thy brethern.
7 Thou shalt not give beyond thine own capacity.
8 What thy brethern think of thee mattereth naught.
9 Wherever thou art, therein also is the party.
10 Thou shalt sing thine own praises all the days of thy life.

Symptoms of Low Self -Esteem
If you answer "Yes " to any of these, then stress, anxiety, fear could be affecting your life, with or without your awareness.

Do you have self-blame, self-consciousness, shame or guilt?
Do you find it difficult to trust others?
Do you feel guilty without always knowing why? Worry, anxiety, obsessive thinking?
Do you have feelings of negativity, pessimism, irritability?
Do you have feelings of alienation, of hopelessness, indecisiveness, confusion, hard to think?
Is living alone or independently unthinkable?

What Causes Low Self -Esteem?
Dysfunctional family
Death of a loved one
Abused as a child
Divorce (especially a bitter one)
Destruction or loss of personal or sentimental property
Inability to manage finances or hold a job
Insufficient emotional or physical comfort
Emotional, physical, mental, verbal... all types of abuse
Self-esteem is the value we place on ourselves. Enhancing and repairing your self-esteem is the best thing you can do for your health and recovery. Self-esteem determines how you live. It determines how you talk, how you handle your relationships, what career you choose, what kind of lifestyle you create, and how you think, feel and act.

Your self-esteem is one thing in your life that is in your control, and it influences everything in your life.

 

[Mitre]

New Topic: Strategies to Safeguard Yourself from Workplace Bullies


1. Make sure your work is irreproachable. Triple check your work and make a PDF or what you did at the end of each day.

1) Recognize a real bully: Everyone is entitled to an occasional bad day. Don’t mistake a hostile comment or an icy response as bullying. Once a pattern of hostility begins to emerge, you can confirm that you are truly being bullied.

2) Communicate, don’t confront: As difficult as this may seem, you must remove all emotion when dealing with your harasser. No matter how nervous, angry, stressed or confused you feel, pull yourself together and address the issue professionally. Deal with it as soon as it happens, and as often as it happens.
If the bullying occurs in private, look the bully in the eye and very calmly tell them what you think. “I thing (not feel) that what you just said is inappropriate/rude/unacceptable. Please don’t speak to me like that again.” No matter what the response, do not veer off course. Repeat the same statement, if necessary.
What if the treatment occurs in a group setting? I would recommend doing exactly the same thing as above. In fact, having a witness present during this face-to-face discussion is a plus. The key is to remain calm, confident and steady.

3) Document every detail: As a bullying pattern emerges, it is vital that you have a detailed paper trail. Write down the scenario, time and place that events occur. If there are witnesses, include their names in the documentation.

4) Find strength in numbers: You may not be the only person on the bully’s radar. Keep your eyes and ears open; reach out to colleagues who are experiencing similar abuses. You and your coworkers will be empowered if you are able to deal with the situations as a team. If possible, a compiled list of offenses can be delivered to HR. This type of broad-ranging evidence is difficult for a firm to deny.

5) Escalate the matter: If the hostilities and poor treatment continue, take your grievance to the next level. If the perpetrator is a coworker, discuss it with your manager. However, if you are dealing with a bully boss, contact a department head or HR (or both) and lay out your complaint in writing. Continue to keep detailed records of the entire process. Let them know that the firm is required to provide a safe and healthy work environment. Request that the offender be transferred to another department or ask for another acceptable resolution. Schedule a follow-up discussion to fully resolve the situation.

6) Put your health before your job: Nothing is worth physical and psychological illness. If you find that the treatment you receive at work is affecting your sleeping, eating, vital signs or emotional wellness, contact your EAP (Employee Assistance Program) to help you address your issues. You may need to take some time off and get medical intervention for whatever is ailing you. Be certain that you are strong and stable enough to deal with whatever may come your way.

7) Hire an employment attorney–or quit: Bullying is not illegal. True, words can hurt people in numerous ways. But, the law walks a fine line between freedom of speech and personal defamation. Plus, there is a possibility that your firm will side with the bully and put the blame on you. They may even “manage you out” or fire you.
Some people choose to contact an employment lawyer to explore the possibility of legal action. But be warned: according to the Workplace Bullying Institute, “the injustice that resulted from bullying is rarely reversed by lawsuits. Lawsuits in the U.S. are bound by existing laws. U.S. labor laws provide embarrassingly few worker protections. Lawsuits are expensive.”

 

[Mitre]

New Topic: More on how to deal with bullying.
http://antibullyingcrusador.wordpress.com/2009/03/03/bully-proof-yourself-another-fresh-perspective-by-patrick-maina/ click on the link for the entire article

The mistake most decent people make is to accept their role as victim. They find it hard to believe that other people can have evil objectives. The seeming lack of a reason (what did I do to you to deserve this? You barely know me!) makes it more painful to cope.

The other mistake we make is to over estimate the power and influence of bullies – simply because of what they say or do. Your bully is most probably not as powerful as you think!

Another mistake is to overestimate the value and importance of keeping your job in your company. Do you really believe that only one company can hire you? Did the company do you a favor by hiring you – or was it a mutually beneficial arrangement where they pay you in exchange for your talent?

As long as you fear getting fired you will have a weakness that bullies can exploit. You need to be aware of your value to your organization – and deliver tangible, documented results to prove your worth.

Take charge of your personal finances to remove dependency on your job.

Most importantly: Understand the labor laws of your country. Understand your company’s Employee policy manual. Know the legitimate grounds for dismissal (usually very explicitly stated) and ensure you never do anything that would provide such grounds. Also know your company’s grievance procedure.

1. Take charge. Become totally unpredictable. Change your behavior frequently.

-At will. unexpectedly. one minute very friendly, the next very cold. Friendly with x, cold with y. Ignore some attacks, respond to some jokingly, respond to others seriously.

-Mix responses – one minute you brush it off – then after the person is disarmed, you raise the subject to him/her separately and say you wanna discuss behavior x, which occurred at date-time x, formally as an issue that is disrupting work. Note down his response and follow up by email to document the incident – including date/time and place.

This starts a guessing game. They try to figure you out .. to understand what you are up to.

-When “mobbers” hold “conditioning conversations” indirectly targeting you (i.e. you are supposed to overhear and feel hurt/frightened etc). Simply walk off beyond range of hearing. Or wear headphones and focus on your work – totally ignoring them. Make them know that they have just been ignored big-time.

-Suppose they try to chat you up – just say you are busy and can you talk later? Be extra nice and smiling…

If they send an emissiarry – to plant some rumor or veiled threat or misinformation cut him/her off mid sentence (soon as you notice whats happening), say you are busy, ask the person to write you an email so that you can look at it later and walk away. Repeat as often as necessary.
If you expect some output from them as your input, request formally in writing. Follow up stating (1st 2nd 3rd follow up etc).
If taken round in circles, such that your request starts at point “a” and goes round b, c, d, e, f, before coming back to a who then does it.. document it. Send a message to “a” and show how you went round in circles and how it resulted in delays and time wastage. Get “a” to promise it wont happen again.

Suppose they try a nibble (small direct attack) – to understand your motives, Don’t look hurt or offended. Look BORED. Take a notebook and ask whoever just made the nibble to repeat what they just said. Note it down. If they don’t repeat – repeat it for them and say you want to have it on record what exactly they are saying. Write down each of the mob’s comments.

Then quietly continue with your work. Try not to show any emotions (hurt or offense even if they say something nasty). Let them leave first before you make your move.

Next respond to each of the mob IN WRITING, as INDIVIDUALS and state the inaccuracies associated with his/her statement. Ask him/her to clarify and substantiate the issue with specific incidents – with dates and times and with no generalizations or ambiguities. State impact of his/her behavior on your work and ask him/her to stop. State that you are copying your boss or his/her boss and that if it happens again, you shall be compelled to escalate further. Keep it factual, brief, to the point, polite and business like.

If, when you are noting down comments, they react violently or you feel unsafe then get away to a safe place first then write to HR and cc your boss immediately about the threat!

2. Prepare for battle. Collect evidence left right and center. SEEK to be mobbed or bullied – then get it documented. Feign insecurity to make the bullies arrogant. Then when they cross the line (e.g. making derogatory statements or false accusations or generalized statements); pause the conversation thus:
“Lets talk about what just happened.” Provided you don’t feel physically threatened, insist you cannot continue with the conversation unless you first discuss “what just happened”.

If its not safe simply find a way to excuse yourself gently or just run out or scream for help (especially if you are a woman – this is an excellent age-old tactic even when you don’t really feel physically threatened but what the bully is doing would appear threatening to an outsider and the bully is a man!).
When you are in a safe place, note down the time of the incident and write a formal email to the bully stating what happened and saying how you felt in danger because of their behavior. Say that you are copying HR and his boss because you believe what just happened is against the company policy. Say politely that you are requesting for him to stop this behavior as it distracts from achieving the company objectives (always focus on how the behavior affects your ability to work on the task at hand). Ask for a commitment that the behavior will not be repeated. Once you get the commitment – DOCUMENT IT (even if it was verbal)
Most likely the behavior will stop – the first time you do this. However it can resurface after a few months.

Now don’t deal with the next incident as a new incident! Thats another mistake. It is CRUCIAL to establish a pattern. and with each repeating incident – escalate to higher management.
Also keep in mind that the bully has committed another offense. He has BROKEN A PROMISE made earlier to stop the behavior.
So your letter for Bully tantrum #2 would refer to the first letter you wrote 6 months ago on the same subject and say this is the 2nd/3rd/4th time etc that the behavior is recurring. Then refer to the PROMISE the bully made and show your concern that the bully DID NOT KEEP HIS/HER PROMISE. Say that its now more difficult to trust the bully on these issues because he/she has shown that he/she doesn’t keep promises. On this basis – escalate higher (or if at highest level, maintain).
Show the impact to your work. State possible impact to others. State he impact to you (do you feel safe etc). and ask “again” for the behavior to stop.

3.Attack from the heavens. Having collected damning evidence, write an objective research paper on bullying/mobbing – in your free time – with credible references, and submit to the most senior HR person in your organization. List the tactics in your paper an compare them to certain incidents you have seen in your organization (you will have evidence in hand at this point – e.g. written correspondence etc)
Ask the HR person for help. Document the request.

If HR does nothing, and the offense is repeated, then write again to HR and refer to the PREVIOUS correspondence on the same. State you concern that this is the Xth time that you are writing about this issue and that the behavior is still recurring. Restate the impact of the behavior to your work and to the work environment. State any safety concerns etc. Ask again for “urgent help and intervention”on the matter.

More likely than not, the bully will be disciplined or fired. HR will know you are building a case and most likely will not dare touch you (especially if you already have evidence of their not taking action early).


4. Follow up with ground troops:Do you know former victims of the bully? Get them all together (those who are willing) and all of you simultaneously start a grievance process – if one exists – against the bully.
Now, at this point the bully is no longer in control of the situation and is probably confused… he/she may try to play victim and may spread rumors that YOU are harassing him/her.

To counter this, take any opportunity to talk about the harassment incidents that the bully took part in. Stick to facts and don’t exaggerate. Let people casually know you have escalated to HR – but don’t give details, don’t sensationalize, don’t speculate etc.

Keep doing the above and you will be the least desirable target for bullies and mobs.

Finally, If you see victims being bullied, help them in whatever manner you can. Else you become just as guilty as those who sat and watched when YOU were the victim.

 

[naija24]

I just want to say that this thread is probably one of the most important threads on this entire website. I learned so much about myself and my past relationship through @Mitre many posts and they are all very much appreciated.

Thank you for your contributions.

 

[Mitre]

Thank you for your acknowledgement.

Abuse is destroying our world/planet, and a lot of people make a choice to look away. It is my hope that abusive awarness will one day be taught during early childhood education in schools world wide.

I just want to say that this thread is probably one of the most important threads on this entire website. I learned so much about myself and my past relationship through @Mitre many posts and they are all very much appreciated.

Thank you for your contributions.

 

[Saga]

A post I wrote on Tumblr after dating two emotionally abusive people:



Red flags

When a person tells you how all their past girlfriends/boyfriends were “crazy”?
Red flag.

When someone tells you he never did anything wrong in relationships to make them end?
Red flag.

When a person always acts like a victim and blames others for their mistakes?
Red flag.

When they say a hurtful thing one day and then the very next day instead of apologizing they say they were “just kidding” or For you to “stop being so sensitive/emotional/needy” red mother ****ing flag.

When someone never thinks they are wrong and tries to make you doubt your morals and beliefs in a way that is condescending or demeaning, fire engine red flag!

If they insult you, tell you to shut up, call you ignorant, naive or stupid? red fxxking flag.

When they lie then get mad when you try to fact check them, red flag bruh.

If they throw random fits then blame you for their behavior and if you hadn’t done “this” they would have never done “that” red flag son.

If they steal from you then ****, red flag!!!!!

If they try to manipulate you through money and gifts, saying that if you don’t act right (meaning the way they want) they won’t give them to you and you don’t deserve them. Red flag.

These instances may happen over a period of months or on a day to day basis. No matter what pick up on these red flags as soon as possible and get the f** away from these kinda people.


http://cornerxme.tumblr.com/

 

[Daughter]

I read these two links today and found them incredibly insightful. Here's the first:

http://www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/warning_signs.html

Warning Signs of a Domestic Abuser
If we can recognise the warning signs of a domestic abuser, or someone who is likely to have an abusive personality, we can save ourselves (and our loved ones) a lot of grief and heartache. Many survivors of abusive relationships have so often said that if they had just known the warning signs, they would never have got involved with their abusive partner.

The good news is, that it is possible to predict the likelihood of the person you are currently with or are about to become involved with being a domestic abusiver It is simply a matter of having the knowledge of the warning signs to look out for and being sufficiently aware to notice them (which includes not being to blinded by love, lust or desperation!).

Below are a list of behaviours, traits and beliefs which are common in abusive personalities. These are commonly known as Warning Signs of abusive personalities .

While not all abusive people show the same traits, or display the tendencies to the same extent, if several behavioural traits are present, there is a strong tendency toward abusiveness. Generally, the more warning signs are present, the greater the likelihood of violence. In some cases, an abuser may have only a couple of behavioural traits that can be recognized, but they are very exaggerated (e.g. extreme jealousy over ridiculous things).

Often the domestic abuser will initially try to explain his/her behaviour as signs of his/her love and concern, and the victim may be flattered at first; as time goes on, the behaviours become more severe and serve to dominate, control and manipulate the victim.

Jealousy
At the beginning of a relationship, an abuser will always say the jealousy is a sign of love. He/she may question you about whom you have spoken to or seen during the day, may accuse you of flirting, or be jealous of time you spend with family, friends, children or hobbies which do not include him/her. As the jealousy progresses, he/she may call you frequently during the day or drop by unexpectedly. He may be unhappy about or refuse to let you work for fear you'll meet someone else, check the car mileage or ask friends to keep an eye on you. Jealousy is not proof of love, it is a sign of insecurity and possessiveness.

Controlling Behaviour
Controlling behaviour is often disguised or excused as concern. Concern for your safety, your emotional or mental health, the need to use your time well, or to make sensible decisions. Your abuser may be angry or upset if you are 'late' coming back from work, shopping, visiting friends, etc., even if you told him/her you would be later back than usual. Your abuser may question you closely about where you were, whom you spoke to, the content of every conversation you held, or why you did something he/she was not involved in. As this behaviour gets worse, you may not be allowed to make personal decisions about the house, clothing, going to church or how you spend your time or money or even make you ask for permission to leave the house or room. Alternately, he/she may theoretically allow you your own decisions, but penalise you for making the wrong ones. Concern for our loved ones to a certain extent is normal - trying to control their every move is not.

Quick Involvement
Many victims of abuse dated or knew their abuser for less than six months before they were engaged or living together. The abuser will often claim 'love at first sight', that you are 'made for each other', or that you are the only person whom he could ever talk to so openly, feel so at home with, could understand him so well. He/she may tell you that they have never loved anyone so much or felt so loved by anyone so much before, when you have really only known each other for a short amount of time. He/she needs someone desperately, and will pressure you to commit to him/her or make love before you feel the relationship has reached 'that stage'. He/she may also make you feel guilty for not committing yourself to him/her.

Unrealistic Expectations
The abuser may expects you to be the perfect husband, wife, mother, father, lover, and friend. He/she is very dependent on you for all his/her needs, and may tell you he/she can fulfil all your needs as lover, friend, and companion. Statements such as: 'lf you love me, I'm all you need', 'You are all I need.' are common. Your abuser may expect you to provide everything for him/her emotionally, practically, financially or spiritually, and then blame you for not being perfect or living up to expectation.

Isolation
The abuser may try to curtail your social interaction. He/she may prevent you from spending time with your friends or family and demand that you only go places 'together'. He/she may accuse you of being 'tied to your mother's apron strings', not be committed to the relationship, or view people who are your personal friends as 'causing trouble' or 'trying to put a wedge' between you. He/she may want to live in the country without a phone, not let you use the car, stop you from working or gaining further education or qualifications.

Blame-shifting for Problems
Very rarely will an abusive personality accept responsibility for any negative situation or problem. If they are unemployed, can't hold down a job, were thrown out of college or University or fall out with their family, it is always someone else's fault, be it the boss, the government, or their mother. They may feel that someone is always doing them wrong, or out to get them. He/she may make a mistakes and then blame you for upsetting him/her or preventing him/her from doing as they wished to.

Blame-shifting for Feelings
The abuser will deny feelings stem from within him/her but see them as reactions to your behaviour or attitude toward him/her. He/she may tell you that 'you make me mad', 'you're hurting me by not doing what I ask', or that he/she cannot help feeling mad, upset, etc. Feelings may be used to manipulate you, i.e. 'I would not be angry if you didn't ...' Positive emotions will often also be seen as originating outside the abuser, but are more difficult to detect. Statements such as 'You make me happy' or 'You make me feel good about myself' are also signs that the abuser feels you are responsible for his sense of well-being. Either way, you become in his/her mind the cause of good and bad feelings and are therefore responsible for his/her emotional well-being and happiness. Consequently, you are also to blame for any negative feelings such as anger, upset or depression.

Hypersensitivity
Most abusers have very low self-esteem and are therefore easily insulted or upset. They may claim their feelings are 'hurt' when they are really angry, or take unrelated comments as personal attacks. They may perceive normal set-backs (having to work additional hours, being asked to help out, receiving a parking fine, etc.) as grave personal injustices. They may view your preference for something which differs from their own as a criticism of their taste and therefore themselves (e.g. blue wallpaper rather than pink, etc.).

Cruelty to Animals
The abuser may punishes animals brutally, be insensitive to their pain or suffering, or neglect to care for the animals to the point of cruelty, e.g. not feeding them all day, leaving them in areas he/she knows will cause them suffering or distress. There is a strong correlation between cruelty to animals and domestic violence which is still being researched. (For more information and personal experiences, see Domestic Violence and Cruelty to Animals.)

Cruelty to Children
The abusers unrealistic expectations of their partner are often mirrored in their attitude toward children. He/she will think of children as 'small adults' and blame the children for not being responsible, having common sense or understanding. He/she may expect children to be capable far beyond their ability (e.g. is angry with a two-year old for wetting their pants or being sick on the carpet, waking at night or being upset by nightmares) and will often meet out punishments for 'naughtiness' the child could not be aware of. Abusers may tease children until they cry, or punish children way beyond what could be deemed appropriate. He/she may not want children to eat at the table, expect them to stay quiet, or keep to their room all evening while he/she is at home. Since abusers want all your attention themselves, they resent your spending time with the children or any normal demands and needs the children may have. As above (cruelty to animals), there is a very strong link between Domestic Violence and Child Abuse.

'Playful' use of Force in Sex
He/she may pressurise you to agree to forceful or violent acts during sex, or want to act out fantasies where you are helpless. A male abuser may let you know that the idea of "rape" excites him. He/she may show little concern about whether you want to have intercourse and uses sulking or anger to manipulate you into compliance. Starting sex while you are sleeping, demanding sex when you are ill or tired, or refusing any form of intimacy unless you are willing to go 'all the way' can all be signs that he/she could be sexually abusive or sexually violent.

Rigid Gender Roles
Abusers usually believe in stereotypical gender roles. A man may expect a woman to serve him; stay at home, obey him in all things - even things that are criminal in nature. A male abuser will often see women as inferior to men, more stupid, unable to be a whole person without a relationship. Female abusers may expect the man to provide for them entirely, shift the responsibility for her well-being onto him or heckle him as being 'not a real man' if he shows any weakness or emotion.

Verbal Abuse
This is a fairly important warning sign and really quite easy to spot once you can tell all the little ways in which you are being verbally abused. In addition to saying things that are meant to be cruel and hurtful, either in public or in private, this can include degrading remarks or running down any accomplishments. Often the abuser will tell you that you are 'stupid', could not manage without him/her. He/she may keep you up all night to 'sort this out once and for all' or even wake you at night to continue to verbally abuse you. The abuser may even say kindly things to your face, but speak badly about you to friends and family. (Check out Verbal Abuse for more information)

Dr. Jeckyll and Mr. Hyde
Very rarely do abusers conform to the stereotypical image of a constantly harsh, nasty or violent person, either in public or in private. More frequently the abuser portrays a perfectly normal and pleasant picture to the outside world (often they have responsible jobs or are respected and important members of the local community or Church) and reserves the abuse for you in the privacy of your own home. Nor are abusers always overtly abusive or cruel, but can display apparent kindness and consideration. This Jeckyll and Hyde tendency of the abuser serves to further confuse the victim, while protecting themselves from any form of suspicion from outsiders. Many victims describe "sudden" changes in mood - one minute nice and the next explosive or hysterical, or one minute happy and the next minute sad. This does not indicate some special "mental problem" but are typical of abusive personalities, and related to other characteristics such as hypersensitivity.

Drink or Substance Abuse
While neither drinking or the use of drugs are signs of an abusive personality, heavy drinking or drug abuse may be a warning sign and do increase the risks of abuse, especially violence, taking place. Often an abusive person will blame the drink for his/her abuse. However, a person who, knowing there is a risk he/she could be violent when drinking or on drugs, chooses to get drunk or high, is in effect choosing to abuse. The link between substance abuse and domestic abuse is still being researched, and it is apparent that while neither alcohol nor drugs necessarily cause violence, they do increase the risk of violence. (See What about alcohol and domestic violence?)

History of Battering or Sexual Violence
Very rarely is abuse or violence a one-off event: a batterer will beat any woman he is with; a sexually abusive person will be abusive toward all his intimate partners. Situational circumstances do not make a person an abusive personality. Sometimes friends or family may try to warn you about the abuser. Sometimes the abuser may tell you himself/herself that he/she has hit or sexually assaulted someone in the past. However, they may further go on to explain that "she made me do it by ..." or in some other way not take responsibility and shift the blame on to the victim. They may tell you that it won't happen with you because "you love them enough to prevent it" or "you won't be stupid enough to wind me up that much". Once again, this is denying their own responsibility for the abuse, and shifting the responsibility for the relationship to remain abuse-free on to you. Past violence is one of the strongest pointers that abuse will occur. If at all possible, try to speak to their previous partners.

Negative Attitude toward Women
Some men may tell you that you are different to all the women they have known before, who display a lack of respect of women generally or who talk negatively and disrespectfully of their previous wives or girlfriends. They may tell you that you are special, not like the others and that they consider themselves to be the luckiest man alive to have found the last decent woman. It is not likely to be long before they remember that you are a woman and don't deserve their respect.

Threatening Violence
This would obviously include any threat of physical force such as "If you speak to him/her again, I'll kill you", or "If any wife of mine acted like John's did, I'd give her a right seeing to". Threats are designed to manipulate and control you, to keep you in your place and prevent you making your own decisions. Most people do not threaten their mates, but an abuser will excuse this behaviour by saying "everybody talks like that.", maintaining he/she is only saying this because the relationship or you are so important to him/her, tell you you're "over-sensitive" for being upset by such threats, or obviously want to hurt him/her. Threats can also be less overt, such as "If you leave me, I will kill myself", or "You are so wonderful, I will never let you go/couldn't live without you".

Breaking or Striking Objects
The abusive personality may break your treasured object, beat his/her fists on the table or chair or throw something at or past you. Breaking your things is often used as a punishment for some imagined misdeed on your part. Sometimes it will be justified by saying that now that you are with him/her, you don't need these items any more. Breaking your possessions also has the effect of de-personalising you, denying you your individuality or literally trying to break links to your past. Beating items of furniture or throwing objects will often be justified by saying you wound him/her up so much they lost control, once again shifting the blame for this behaviour on to you, but is actually used to terrorise you into submission. Only very immature or abusive people beat on objects in the presence of other people in order to threaten or intimidate them.

Any Force during an Argument
BIG warning sign! What starts off in early courtship as a bit of a push or a a shove, can turn into fullblown beatings not long down the road. An abuser may physically restrain you from leaving the room, lash out at you with his/her hand or another object, pin you against a wall or shout 'right in your face'. Basically any form of force used during an argument can be a sign that serious physical violence is a strong possibility.



Recommended Reading:
Lundy Bancroft has written what is probably the most comprehensive and readable book on domestic violence, the beliefs of the abuser and the dynamics of abuse. This truly is a MUST READ for anyone seriously trying to understand domestic abuse and how to cope with an abusive relationship:

To order in the US: Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

To order in the UK: Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

Living with the Dominator by Pat Cravenis the book to accompany the Freedom Programme in the UK. This book should be compulsory in schools - the information is so clear and so obvious and such an eye-opener! After studying domestic violence issues for years, this is the one book which finally enabled me to click it all into place and answer all my whys. Just read it:

To order in the US: Living With the Dominator

(Kindle version only - and well worth buying a Kindle just to get this book!)
To order in the UK: Living with the Dominator: A Book About the Freedom Programme: 1

For a comprehensive course on Domestic Violence and Abuse and its impact on children, we recommend the following online course provided by the Virtual College:

Awareness of Domestic Violence and Abuse Online Course

Many people suffer verbal and emotional abuse in secret for years, not really understanding what is happening or why they feel so rotten. Nor do they realize how easily such seemingly mild forms of abuse can be the precursor to physical violence. This book byPatricia Evans helps the victim understand how to recognize abuse, validates the victim's perception of what is happening and offers solid suggestions as to what to do to control abuse and to protect oneself :

To order in the US: The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to recognize it and how to respond

To order in the UK: The Verbally Abusive Relationship, Expanded Third Edition

 

[Daughter]

Here's the second link, this time on emotional abuse:

http://liveboldandbloom.com/11/relationships/signs-of-emotional-abuse

30 Signs Of Emotional Abuse In A Relationship
By BarrieDavenport Get your free Bold Living Toolkit kit HERE

Nothing is more damaging to your confidence and self-esteem than being in an emotionally abusive relationship.

Unlike physical abuse which rears its ugly head in dramatic outbursts, emotional abuse can be more insidious and elusive. In some cases, neither the abuser nor the victim are fully aware it’s happening.

The most obvious scenario for emotional abuse is in an intimate relationship in which a man is the abuser and the woman is the victim. However, a variety of studies show that men and women abuse each other at equal rates.* In fact, emotional abuse can occur in any relationship — between parent and child, in friendships, and with relatives.

So what is emotional abuse? It involves a regular pattern of verbal offense, threatening, bullying, and constant criticism, as well as more subtle tactics like intimidation, shaming and manipulation. Emotional abuse is used to control and subjugate the other person, and quite often it occurs because the abuser has childhood wounds and insecurities they haven’t dealt with — perhaps as a result of being abused themselves. They didn’t learn healthy coping mechanisms or how to have positive, healthy relationships. Instead, they feel angry, hurt, fearful and powerless.

Male and female abusers tend to have high rates of personality disorders including borderline personality disorder, narcissistic personality disorder, and antisocial personality disorder. Although emotional abuse doesn’t always lead to physical abuse, physical abuse is almost always preceded and accompanied by emotional abuse.*

The victim of the abuse quite often doesn’t see the mistreatment as abusive. They develop coping mechanisms of denial and minimizing in order to deal with the stress. But the effects of long-term emotional abuse can cause severe emotional trauma in the victim, including depression, anxiety, and post traumatic stress disorder.

If you aren’t sure what constitutes this damaging behavior, here are 30 signs of emotional abuse.

1. They humiliate you, put you down, or make fun of you in front of other people.

2. They regularly demean or disregard your opinions, ideas, suggestions, or needs.

3. They use sarcasm or “teasing” to put you down or make you feel bad about yourself.

4. They accuse you of being “too sensitive” in order to deflect their abusive remarks.

5. They try to control you and treat you like a child.

6. They correct or chastise you for your behavior.

7. You feel like you need permission to make decisions or go out somewhere.

8. They try to control the finances and how you spend money.

9. They belittle and trivialize you, your accomplishments, or your hopes and dreams.

10. They try to make you feel as though they are always right, and you are wrong.

11. They give you disapproving or contemptuous looks or body language.

12. They regularly point out your flaws, mistakes, or shortcomings.



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13. They accuse or blame you of things you know aren’t true.

14. They have an inability to laugh at themselves and can’t tolerate others laughing at them.

15. They are intolerant of any seeming lack of respect.

16. They make excuses for their behavior, try to blame others, and have difficulty apologizing.

17. The repeatedly cross your boundaries and ignore your requests.

18. They blame you for their problems, life difficulties, or unhappiness.

19. They call you names, give you unpleasant labels, or make cutting remarks under their breath.

20. They are emotionally distant or emotionally unavailable most of the time.

21. They resort to pouting or withdrawal to get attention or attain what they want.

22. They don’t show you empathy or compassion.

23. They play the victim and try to deflect blame to you rather than taking personal responsibility.

24. They disengage or use neglect or abandonment to punish or frighten you.

25. They don’t seem to notice or care about your feelings.

26. They view you as an extension of themselves rather than as an individual.

27. They withhold sex as a way to manipulate and control.

28. They share personal information about you with others.

29. They invalidate or deny their emotionally abusive behavior when confronted.

30. They make subtle threats or negative remarks with the intent to frighten or control you.

The first step for those being emotionally abused is recognizing it’s happening. If you recognize any of the signs of emotional abuse in your relationship, you need to be honest with yourself so you can regain power over your own life, stop the abuse, and begin to heal. For those who’ve been minimizing, denying, and hiding the abuse, this can be a painful and frightening first step.

The stress of emotional abuse will eventually catch up with you in the form of illness, emotional trauma, depression, or anxiety. You simply can’t allow it to continue, even if it means ending the relationship. A licensed counselor who is trained in abusive relationships can help you navigate the pain and fears of leaving the relationship and work with you to rebuild your self-esteem.

Can an emotional abuser change? It is possible if the abuser deeply desires to change and recognizes his or her abusive patterns and the damage caused by them. However, the learned behaviors and feelings of entitlement and privilege are very difficult to change. The abusers tend to enjoy the power they feel from emotional abuse, and as a result, a very low percentage of abusers can turn themselves around.

According to Lundy Bancroft, author of the book Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

, here are some of the changes an abuser (either man or woman) needs to make to begin recovery:

• Admit fully to what they have done.

• Stop making excuses and blaming.

• Make amends.

• Accept responsibility and recognize that abuse is a choice.

• Identify the patterns of controlling behavior they use.

• Identify the attitudes that drive their abuse.

• Accept that overcoming abusiveness is a decades-long process — not declaring themselves “cured.”

• Not demanding credit for improvements they’ve made.

• Not treating improvements as vouchers to be spent on occasional acts of abuse (ex. “I haven’t done anything like this in a long time, so it’s not a big deal).

• Develop respectful, kind, supportive behaviors.

• Carry their weight and sharing power.

• Change how they respond to their partner’s (or former partner’s) anger and grievances.

• Change how they act in heated conflicts.

• Accept the consequences of their actions (including not feeling sorry for themselves about the consequences, and not blaming their partner or children for them).

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If the emotional abuser in your relationship isn’t interested in changing, and you aren’t in a position to leave the relationship immediately, here are some strategies for reclaiming your power and self-esteem for the short term:

Put your own needs first. Stop worrying about pleasing or protecting the abuser. Take care of yourself and your needs, and let the other person worry about themselves — even when they pout or try to manipulate you and control your behavior.

Set some firm boundaries. Tell your abuser he or she may no longer yell at you, call you names, be rude to you, etc. If the bad behavior occurs, let them know you will not tolerate it and leave the room or get in the car and drive to a friend’s house.

Don’t engage. If the abuser tries to pick a fight or win an argument, don’t engage with anger, over-explaining yourself, or apologies to try to sooth him/her. Just keep quiet and walk away.

Realize you can’t “fix” them. You can’t make this person change or reason your way into their hearts and minds. They must want to change and recognize the destructive quality of their behavior and words. You’ll only feel worse about yourself and the situation by repeated “interventions.”

You are not to blame. If you’ve been entrenched in an abusive relationship for a while, it can be crazy-making. You start to feel like something must be wrong with you since this other person treats you so poorly. Begin to acknowledge to yourself that it is NOT you. This is the first step toward rebuilding your self-esteem.

Seek support. Talk to trusted friends and family or a counselor about what you are going through. Get away from the abusive person as often as possible, and spend time with those who love and support you. This support system will help you feel less alone and isolated while you still contend with the abuser.

Develop an exit plan. You can’t remain in an emotionally abusive relationship forever. If finances or children or some other valid reason prevents you from leaving now, develop a plan for leaving as soon as possible. Begin saving money, looking for a place to live, or planning for divorce if necessary so you can feel more in control and empowered.

Emotional abuse is a form of brain-washing that slowly erodes the victim’s sense of self-worth, security, and trust in themselves and others. In many ways, it is more detrimental than physical abuse because it slowly disintegrates one’s sense of self and personal value. It cuts to the core of your essential being, which can create lifelong psychological scars and emotional pain.


Have you suffered with emotional abuse? How have you coped with the situation, and what are you doing to reclaim your power and self-esteem? If you found value in this post please click the Facebook button to share with your friends.

*Source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychological_abuse

 

[hopeful]

Thank you @Daughter
For the above posts.

 

[hopeful]

...
It is my hope that abusive awarness will one day be taught during early childhood education in schools world wide.

This would be wonderful.

 

[MzTami]

My personal experience is that men that don't have a loving or personable relationship with their mothers tend to be the abusers. If he doesn't love his own mother, I don't see how he would love you.

Relationship with his mother is the #1 WARNING sign!!
Check his family history.

 

[GraceJones]

The Socialized Psychopath or Sociopath
Motivation: power, gratification, personal gain, survival

Mindset: manipulation, deception, evil

Malice: high to very high; when held accountable, off the scale

1.Also known as the corporate psychopath, workplace psychopath, industrial psychopath and administrative psychopath.
2.Jekyll & Hyde personality
3. always charming and beguilingly plausible, especially to those who are capable of protecting or enhancing the sociopath's position
4. excels at deception (this must never be underestimated, but always is)
excels at evasion of accountability
5. is extremely and successfully manipulative of people's perceptions and emotions (eg guilt and anger)
6. silver-tongued, has an extreme verbal facility and can outwit anybody (including a top barrister) in verbal conflict
7. will often engineer himself or herself into a position of authority as gatekeeper of the organisation and thus the person through whom all information must flow, and the person to whom all requests for services must be referred - which he or she then takes delight in denying
8. is adept at offering weak and inadequate people the positions of power, control, security, influence or respect that they crave but who lack the necessary competencies to achieve - such people are unaware that their consequent dependence on the sociopath makes them permanent manipulatees, pawns and expendable agents of harassment
9. identifies those essential to the sociopath's survival and manipulates their perceptions them by making them feel special and thus obligated to reciprocate with support and protection
10. manipulates others into making fools of themselves in situations where they cannot back down or from which they cannot withdraw - these people become increasingly susceptible to further manipulation and are then trapped as pawns in the sociopath's game
11. is likely to be surrounded by people who, having been subjected to control, manipulation and punishment by the sociopath, look wretched and who start to exhibit behaviour best described as disordered, dysfunctional, sullen, aggressive, defensive, hostile, retaliatory, counterproductive or cult-like and for whom disbelief, disavowal and denial are instinctive responses
12. creates an environment where levels of denial are so great that those involved are oblivious of the foolishness and self-evident absurdity of their denials when presented with the facts, with the result that non-involved observers are led to question whether such levels of denial merit psychiatric intervention
13. is contemptuous of disrepute to their organisation and of collateral damage and of the destructive consequences for all direct and indirect parties
is always surrounded by and leaves behind a trail of dysfunctional organisations, destroyed businesses, ruined careers, stress breakdowns and unexplained suicides
14. despite a trail of devastation to individuals, organisations, families and communities, the actions of a socialised psychopath may go undetected or unrecognised for years
15. a history of conducting frivolous, vexatious and malicious legal actions, especially (but not exclusively) against anyone who can recognise the sociopath for what he is
16. only after the sociopath is exposed and relieved of position, or they move on, can the full depth of their destructive behaviour be fathomed and the consequences calculated
17. is skilled at identifying, undermining, discrediting, neutralising and destroying anyone who can see through the sociopath's mask of sanity
at all times restricts the actions and rights of others (especially those holding the sociopath accountable) whilst aggressively protecting his or her right to do anything without being hampered by social norms or legal requirements
pursues endless vindictive vendettas against anyone perceived as a threat or who attempts, knowingly or unknowingly, to identify or reveal or expose the sociopath, or who makes efforts to hold the sociopath accountable

18. is adept at appropriating rules, regulations, procedures and law to manipulate, control and punish accusers regardless of relevance, logic, facts or consequences
19. persists in and pursues vindictive vendettas using self-evidently false evidence or information, even after this is brought to the attention of the sociopath
20. will often manipulate minor bullies of the Wannabe type (who on their own might or would not merit the label 'serial bully') into acting as agents of harassment and as unwitting or unwilling conductors of vendettas
is adept at placing people in situations where the sociopath can tap into each person's instinctive urge to retaliate in order to use them as his or her instruments or agents of harassment
21. gains gratification from provoking others into engaging in adversarial conflict
once conflict has been initiated, the sociopath gains increased gratification by exploiting human beings' instinctive need to retaliate - this is achieved by encouraging and escalating peoples' adversarial conflicts into mutually assured destruction
22. revels in the gratification gained from seeing or causing other people's distress
23. when faced with accountability or unwelcome attention which might lead to others discerning the sociopath's true nature, responds with repeated and escalating attempts to control, manipulate and punish
24. is adept at reflecting all accusations and attempts at accountability back onto their accusers
25. is adept at creating conflict between those who would otherwise pool negative information about the sociopath
26. has no limits on his or her vindictiveness
27. the need to control, manipulate and punish develops into an obsession with many of the hallmarks of an addiction
28. is skilled at mimicry and can plausibly and spontaneously regurgitate all the latest management jargon
29. exhibits minimal professional skill level and competency
30. exploits his or her intelligence to excel at talentless mediocrity
31. is always identifying the behaviours and strategies to which other people respond with the desired effect
32. is able to anticipate and credibly say what people want to hear
is easily able to win people over before betraying them or deceiving them or ripping them off
33. easily manipulates and bewitches an immature or naive or vulnerable or emotionally needy person to be their spokesperson or agent of aggression
34. exploits anyone who has a vulnerability
35. is pushy and extremely persuasive
36. is sexually inadequate and sexually abusive
37. is likely to protect anyone accused of or suspected of sexual abuse of pedophile activity, and will frustrate or obstruct investigations into that person
maybe associating with, or actively involved in, abuse or pedophile activity
38. has no emotions, no emotional processing capability and no ability to understand other's emotions
39. is incapable of understanding, initiating or sustaining intimacy
40. the male sociopath has often convinced a string of women to feel they are in love with him and despite being treated abominably they blindly continue to be loyal to him and minister willingly to his every demand
41. may start projects with apparent enthusiasm and energy but quickly loses interest
42. frequently takes unnecessary and uncalculated risks but takes no account of consequences
43. is reckless and untrustworthy with money
44. is likely to be illegally diverting or siphoning off significant sums of money to 45. his or her own budget, project, account or cause
46. is unreliable and untrustworthy in every facet of life
47. is likely to be leaking confidential information or secrets to third parties
48. is likely to have committed or be committing criminal or near-criminal offences, eg fraud, embezzlement, deception
49. is likely to have committed or be committing breaches of harassment and discrimination law, employment law, contract law, etc
50. disregards rules, regulations, Health and Safety requirements, professional standards, codes of conduct and legal requirements, etc
51. cannot comprehend the deeper semantic meaning of language and is thus unable to understand or appreciate metaphor, hyperbole, irony, satire etc (these elicit either zero response or a hostile response)
52. likes, seeks, enjoys and relies on procedure, ritual and ritualistic practices
through arrogant overconfidence takes increasingly risky chances and eventually overplays their hand or makes a mistake which leads to the sociopath revealing him or herself
53. exhibits parasitical behaviour, takes everything and gives nothing
grabs headline credit for minimal, flukey or other peoples' success whilst surviving off the backs of manipulatees who are exclusively blamed for all failures
54. rarely blinks, may have stary scary eyes that cut right through you, or may avoid eye contact completely
55. is callous, cold and calculating
56. is devious, clever and cunning
57. is ruthless in the extreme
58. regards people as objects and playthings to be discarded when surplus to requirements
59. displays zero empathy
60. completely without conscience, remorse and guilt
61. malicious and evil

I know someone exactly like this!!!

 

[GraceJones]

I have a friend who I believe is in abusive relationship and I don't know if I should bring it up to her. I feel as though she already knows though.

 

[Kindheart]

https://www.psychologytoday.com/int...1510/five-reasons-people-abuse-their-partners

 

[Evolving78]

https://www.psychologytoday.com/int...1510/five-reasons-people-abuse-their-partners

Thanks for posting! This brings awareness to a lot of the why, but victims of abuse need to know that confronting, empathizing, discussing, etc such things with an abuser is pointless. Abusers are usually very aware of their issues, and know what they are doing. They are a lost cause for change, since they truly believe their behavior works in their favor. They are unable to resonate, relate, and empathize with others. Their feelings and life is what matters. The victim is only there to be utilized to fulfill their wants and needs, then be discarded.

 

[vevster]

Signs you are dating a Psychopath