Warning Signs of an Abusive Relationship

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New Topic: Red Flags to Look for continue

1.Are you discouraged from talking with friends/family Isolate You?
2.Does he always insist on going everywhere with you?
3.Try controlling where you go, who you see and talk to, what you wear?
4.Do you have to discuss activity plans, people you will be with, and why you are going to do something with him before you can do them?
5.Does he have problems with your success?
6.Does he react negatively to people in positions of authority?
7.Does he believe that the man is the head of the house?
8.Does he belittle you Embarrass you with bad names and put-downs, Treat you with disrespect?
9.Does he blame you if things happen
10.Refuse to take responsibility for their actions? Blame you, drugs or alcohol, their boss, parents, etc. for their behavior?
11.Does he negate your opinion?
12.Treat you as less than a person?
13.Does he call you names?
14.Does he lose his temper and throw things or hit objects?
15.Have you ever seen this person become violent in a situation with someone else?
15.Does he get violent when he drinks?
16.Is your partner jealous of your time, your career, other people in your life?
17.Does he play mind games with you and make you feel guilty?
18.Does he believe the myths about domestic violence?
19.Believe that sex is his right, whether or not you agree to it Pressure you to do things sexually that you aren’t ready for?
20.Does he come from an abusive home? Does he come from a dysfunctional home?
21.Make you feel unable to make decisions?
22.Act extremely jealous and/or possessive of you?
23.Tell you you’re a bad parent or threaten to take away or hurt your children?
25.Put down your friends and family, your dreams, ideas and/or goals?
26.Expect you to spend all of your time with them or to "check in" with and let them know where you are?
27.Intimidate or threaten you Grab, push, pinch, shove, slap, or hit you?
28.Destroy your property or threaten to kill your pets?
29.Create an uncomfortable environment?
30.Lose their temper frequently over little things?
31.Make you feel as if you are walking on eggshells to keep the peace?
32.Make threats to hurt you, leave you, hurt your pets, destroy your property and/or commit suicide if you don't do what they want?
Now look at your own actions and reactions. Answer these questions about yourself:
A.Do you have low self-esteem?
B.Do you believe in traditional, stereotypical, man-as-the-head-of-the-house roles?
C.Do you accept responsibility for arguments?
D.Do you believe the myths about domestic violence?
E.Do you feel guilty if he becomes enraged or jealous, or that you may have caused his actions?
F.Do you allow yourself to be controlled because you believe the person would not do it if they didn’t love you?
G.Do you believe jealousy is proof of love?

 

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New Topic Mood Disorder and Abuse
Borderline Personality Disorder, Depression, Bi-polar Disorder and Anxiety are illnesses that affect moods, thoughts and behaviors, they are often referred to as mood disorders.

Depression
1.He has a great job, a nice home, and a loving family. Everyone thinks he has it made. But almost every night he comes home from a hard day’s work, has a few beers, and spends the evening on the couch. He’s bored with everything.
2.He blows up at the smallest things he gets so agitated and irritable that his face turns red, he punches the steering wheel and yells at other drivers.
3.He is exhausted every night and doesn’t hang out with his buddies anymore and hasn’t seen his girlfriend in weeks. He just sits alone watching television.
These scenes are common and We all have, but when feelings of irritably or sadness last for a long time, become overwhelming or start to interfere with other parts of your life, it might be a sign of something more serious.

Depression Symptoms Include:
Irritable, empty, sad mood most of the day, nearly every day
No interest in or pleasure from activities once enjoyed
Major changes in appetite or body weight
Insomnia or sleeping too much
Feelings of restlessness
Fatigue, exhaustion, lack of energy
Feelings of worry pessimism or worthlessness
Inability to concentrate or make decisions
Thoughts of death or suicide

Bipolar Disorder
Bipolar disorder is a treatable medical illness characterized by changes in mood, thought, energy and behavior. With bipolar disorder, a person’s mood can alternate between the two poles of mania (highs) and depression (lows). Mood swings can last for days, hours, weeks or months. Bipolar Disorder BP cannot be cured it does not go away or go into remission like cancer. You dont contract it like a disease. It's a chemical imbalance of the brain and a treatable disorder with proper meds and therapy. Anger, violence and interpersonal relationship problems ARE NOT necessarily a symptom of bipolar disorder. They can point towards a manic episode, but it is possible to be manic and NOT angry or abusive and it is definitely possible to be angry and abusive and NOT experiencing mania or depression whatsoever.

Symptoms of Mania
Feeling energetic, high, better than good, or unusually irritable for at least one week
Extremely high self-esteem; feeling like you can do anything
Decreased need for sleep without feeling tired
Talking more than usual
Racing thoughts
Distracted easily
Increase in goal-directed activity, restlessness
Excessive pursuit of pleasure (e.g., spending sprees, sexual indiscretions) without thought of consequences

Anxiety
Anxiety is your mind and body's natural response to events that are threatening. The right amount of anxiety can help you, but too much anxiety can interfere with your life.In people with depression, bipolar disorder and/or anxiety disorders, the fight or flight response may be stimulated more often and for longer periods of time than in people without these illnesses. This means that more things are perceived as threatening,and can cause a person to
1.Have a real physical reaction to everyday people, places or things
2.Believe danger is around every corner
3.Be convinced something terrible will happen if certain things aren't done a certain way
4.Feel constantly keyed-up and on-edge
5.Avoid everyday people, places or things in an effort to avoid the anxiety response

Symptoms of Anxiety
Worry
Fears
Thoughts that don't go away
Avoidance of people places or things
Compulsions
Restlessness
Aches, pains
Rapid heartbeat
Shortness of breath
Nausea
Faintness
Dry mouth
Sweating
Shaking
Difficulty concentrating
Fight or Flight

Borderline personality disorder (BPD)
Borderline personality disorder called emotionally unstable personality disorder, is a cluster B personality disorder characterized by unusual variability and depth of moods. The moods in people with BPD are more dependent, either positively or negatively, on what's going on in their life at the moment. Anything that might smack of abandonment (however far fetched) is a major trigger. BPD is a very abusive disorder and they are literally incapable of a mature relationship. Borderlines have no sense of "self" and cannot ever develop the emotions required for a healthy relationship without help. They require years of psychotherapy to try to unlearn their skewed ways of thinking and dealing with perceived threat. Only then can they start to build a sense of "self" (SEE POST #63 TRUE SELF or SELF is defined as the feeling aspect of the body) and start facing reality as it is, not how they perceive it to be. It was very confusing for the person being abuse, especially if you have never been in a hostile abusive environment. They are constantly triggered by life stressors that result in constant abusive behavior to those closest to them. Tolerating their behavior anchors their false sense of reality and enables their inappropriate actions. If your loved ones abusive behavior tends to be "triggered" by life events and not manic or depressed episodes, then it is more than likely they are suffering from borderline personality disorder than Bipolar Disorder. Be careful because psychiatrists don't like to diagnose borderline. Insurance companies dont cover borderline treatment in there plans which results in misdiagnosis due to greed and lack of understanding of the borderline disorder. Also, borderlines are viewed by many therapists as hopeless cases. The personality disorders are very hard to treat, and medication isn't the main focus. You must remember to take care of yourself. And nobody has the right to abuse you for any reason EVER. She is responsible for her own actions and never take the blame or think you did something for her immature reaction. Borderline personalties manipulate people with fear and guilt

Signs and symptoms
1.People with BPD feel emotions more easily, more deeply, and longer than others.
2.Impulsive behaviors are common, including: substance or alcohol abuse, eating disorders, unprotected sex or sex with multiple partners, reckless spending and reckless driving.
3.Self-harming or suicidal behavior is one of the core diagnostic criteria in the DSM IV-TR.
4.People with BPD can be very sensitive to the way others treat them, feeling intense joy and gratitude at perceived expressions of kindness, and intense sadness or anger at perceived criticism or hurtfulness. Their feelings about others often shift from positive to negative after a disappointment, a perceived threat of losing someone, or a perceived loss of esteem in the eyes of someone they value. This phenomenon, sometimes called splitting or black-and-white thinking, includes a shift from idealizing others (feeling great admiration and love) to devaluing them (feeling great anger or dislike). Combined with mood disturbances, idealization and devaluation can undermine relationships with family, friends, and co-workers.Self-image can also change rapidly from very positive to very negative.
5.Cognitions The intense emotions of people with BPD can make it difficult for them to control the focus of their attention. In other words, it can be difficult for them to concentrate.In addition, people with BPD might dissociate, which can be thought of as an intense form of "zoning out".Dissociation often takes place in response to a painful event, or to a "trigger" that causes someone to recall a painful event, and consists of directing partial or full attention away from that event. Although blocking out painful emotions provides relief from them, it inhibits the natural experience of emotions, and decreases the ability of people with BPD to function in their daily lives.Sometimes it is possible to tell when someone with BPD is dissociating, because their facial or vocal expressions might become flat or expressionless, or they may appear to be very distracted; at other times, dissociation might be barely noticeable.

 

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New Topic Mood Disorder, Cluster B Personality Disorder, Substance Abuse and Abusive Relationships
http://nyxstium.info/abuse/what-are-some-types-of-abuse-and-how-do-i-recognize-them/

The experience of living with an abusive, disordered partner or family member is very similar across Cluster B personality Disorder-or Axis II. Often one will observe a wildcard disorder of addiction (which most often shows up as alcoholism, and recently meth abuse) as a compounding factor in many situations. Although you may be cautioned to avoid assessing these criteria in others in reality, partners or close family have far more necessary knowledge of a person to assess these criteria than any mental health professional can ever have. Most people are reasonably able to determine which of these disorders is likely present in a partner or family member. Although no one wants to think that the person they are dating or in love with could possibly harm them please note that it is estimated that up to 40% or more of relationships have some form of abuse. I have listed a potential Red Flag indicator list in post 90 above please read to familiarize yourself.

What are some types of abuse and how do I recognize them?

Whether abuse is overt or covert, it is about control. Aggression is primitive and immature reactions to a sense of helplessness and feeling a loss of control. Abuse, violet and non – violent is used to keep a sense of safety for the abuser IS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU.

Covert abuse sly and underhanded. It is hard to identify and requires long term observation in some situations. It is made up of a few actions and creates an atmosphere of intimidation, uncertainty and perplexity in its victim.
There are many types of abuse a spouse can inflict upon another spouse. Physical abuse, emotional abuse, verbal abuse, sexual abuse and financial abuse are some common ones.

Verbal/Emotional Abuse
Name-calling
Isolation from your friends/family
Threatening/intimidation
Jealousy
Stalking

Physical Abuse
Hitting, slapping
Punching
Kicking
Pushing
Destroying property

Sexual Abuse
Unwanted touching and kissing
Forcing you to have sex
Not allowing use of birth control

Ambient Abuse:
Living in an atmosphere of fear, intimidation and unpredictability.

Is He Abusive?
You’re not crazy. By creating an atmosphere of abuse the abuser avoids direct acts of abuse such as striking their spouse. They can maintain control by manipulating the spouse with threats. Such an environment will erode the victim’s self – worth and self – confidence. In such situations, the abuser’s actions are often referred to as “crazy making” behavior. The victim feels as if they are going crazy but can’t quite put their finger on the reason.Some examples of ambient abuse would be withholding affection or intimacy, rolling their eyes when you express an opinion or criticizing your actions, “for your own good.”

Pet Abuse
The family pet is one of comfort and companionship and also another victim of family violence. They will use the family pet as a control device threatening to hurt or kill the pet in order to get what they want from the abused spouse.

Disproportionate Abuse:
Does your spouse react with a violent rage to the slightest upset? If your spouse’s reactions to events are exaggerated then you are living with abuse that is disproportionate to the imaged offense. In a situation like this, it does not matter how gently you try to communicate an issue with your spouse, they will respond with a temper tantrum. Your abuser will get your attention and cause intimidation when they react by throwing things, slamming doors, getting in your face or screaming and yelling.

Impossible Situations:
The abuser engineer’s impossible, dangerous, unpredictable, unprecedented, or highly specific situations in which he is needed, depended on or considered the only source of authority, knowledge, skills, or useful traits. Consequently, the abuser generates his own indispensability. In his/her mind and yours, you are completely dependent on him and you should never forget it. The moment you do, he will find someway to put you in your place again.

Objectification:
Most abusers lack empathy. They dehumanize and treat people like inane objects, extensions of themselves, or instruments to be played as they wish. Physical, psychological, verbal and sexual abuses are all forms of dehumanization and objectification. They view their victim as nothing more than a comfortable, old chair that can be easily discarded should it become uncomfortable. In other words, their level of comfort is their only concern and they will sell you down the river to hold onto that comfort.

Abuse By Proxy: (see Post #83 and #84 for details)
An abuser will recruit friends, neighbors, family members, the police, the media…anyone he can find to threaten you, harass you and manipulate you into doing what they want. This kind of abuse is often played out in divorce court. A spouse will hire an adversarial attorney to try and punish you. He/she will lie under oath to try and get a judge to rule against you in hopes that you will suffer legal and social sanctions. Of course, before you even went to court they had turned your friends and family against you with lies and manipulations. With a spouse like this, you are lucky to be going through a divorce.

What Are the Effects of Abuse?
Abused teens often have trouble sleeping, eating, and concentrating. They may perform poorly at school because they are angry or frightened or because they don’t care or can’t concentrate.Many people who are abused distrust others. They may feel a lot of anger toward other people and themselves, and it can be hard to make friends. Some abused teens become depressed. Some may engage in self-destructive behavior, such as cutting or abusing drugs or alcohol. They may even attempt suicide.

People who have been abused by the people they love feel upset and confused about what happened to them. They may feel guilty and embarrassed and blame themselves, especially if the abuse is sexual.

Abusers often try to manipulate the people they’re abusing into either thinking the abuse is their fault or to keep the abuse quiet. An abuser might say things like: “This is a secret between you and me,” or “If you ever tell anybody, I’ll hurt you or your mom,” or “You’re going to get in trouble if you tell. No one will believe you and you’ll go to jail for lying.” This is the abuser’s way of making a person feel like nothing can be done so that he or she won’t take any action to stop or report the abuse.

What Should Someone Who’s Being Abused Do?
People who are being abused need to get help. Keeping the abuse a secret doesn’t protect a person from being abused – it only makes it more likely that the abuse will continue.

 

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New Topic Why Victims of Partner Abuse Stay with Their Batterers

Victims may stay in abusive relationships because:

1.Trauma Bonding why do you attract disordered people-See post #59 for details

2. They feel safer with their batterers because they know what they are up to.

2. They’re scared of their abusers. Victims believe that if they leave the relationship, their abusers will act on threats they’ve made in the past. Batterers often tell their victims they will hurt or kill them or people close to them, report them for welfare fraud or to Children Services, call the police on them for domestic violence, or “out” them to their family, friends or coworkers.

3. Batterers often don’t get serious consequences for their abusive behavior.

4. Involving the police can make the violence worse because batterers feel threatened. If arrested, batterers can be let out of jail in a few hours and go after their victims for reporting the abuse.

5. Even if another person calls about the abuse or the state picks up charges against them, batterers often blame their victims. Victims know this and often deny the abuse to avoid being beaten.

6. Community resources for victims may not be well known or easy to use. Victims may not know about their options.

7. They may not receive help from the community because their abusers may be rich, well known or respected. Abusers are good at changing their personalities to hide abusive behavior in public.

8. They may be used to focusing on the needs of their abusers and feel unsure about making decisions about their own safety and futures. When victims reach out for help, professionals often ask them to quickly decide their futures. Victims may feel uncomfortable with quick decision-making or big changes because they live in an environment where violent consequences discourage this.

9. Victims often do not have the money to survive away from their abusers. Victims who leave with no money face homelessness.

10. They may be afraid that if they report the violence, their batterers will lose their jobs or reputations.

11. Societal values cause victims to feel ashamed or embarrassed about the abuse.

12. Victims may believe that outsiders shouldn’t be involved in family matters.

13. Gender roles, cultural and religious beliefs may make victims feel like they have to pretend that nothing is wrong at home. Victims may also define their self-worth by their relationships.

14. They may believe their children are better off in a two-parent household. Batterers also focus on kids as a way to keep victims from leaving by threatening to take them away from the victims or hurt them if they leave.

15. Isolation from their family and friends decreases options for leaving relationships. Batterers are sometimes. The only people victims can go to for support. Because abusers feel threatened by their victims’ relationships, they stop them from becoming close with others,

16. Victims may only get limited support from their family and friends. Victims of partner abuse try to leave an average of four times before they succeed. People close to them may not understand that leaving an abusive relationship is a long process and think victims fail when they go back with their abusers. They may also tell victims that their abusers are good people, that the abuse is not as bad as they say, or to go back and try harder to make things work.

17. They may believe their batterers’ messages that the abuse is their fault, that it happens because of alcohol or drug use, that they just can’t control their anger, or that no one else will ever want the victims. These messages attack victims’ self-esteem and make them doubt the way they feel about the violence.

18. Incidents of physical violence may occur in relatively short bursts. Afterward, their batterers may be gentle and loving, and promise to change, acts that are as manipulative as the physical violence. This is confusing to victims who may see their batterers as good, loving, people most of the time. Their batterers may convince them that they will change and their relationships will get better. Victims may not want the relationship to end, just the violence.

19. They may have seen fighting in their homes while growing up and accept that violence in relationships is OK. Abusers also learn how to be violent from their families of origin. Growing up in violent homes may create a bond of common experience between abusers and victims.

20. They may feel like their abusers need them and they can help them change.

21. Victims may feel that if only they would change and stop making mistakes, then their abusers would stop hurting them.

22. Victims may fear being alone or miss their abusers when they are separated. Victims may love their abusive partners and need the space to grieve the loss of their relationships.

23. Victims may have a hard time knowing what abuse is. They may know their relationships are bad, but not see the abuse as the reason for this. Victims may feel that their batterers’ substance abuse, money problems, or stress outside the relationships cause the turmoil, not their abusers’ violence.

24. Victims may not know that they have the right to be safe and live free from violence.

25. It start slowly
Normally the would-be batterer picks on the little things that the woman is doing 'incorrect' or 'wrong' shows her the 'right' way with love and patronization or acts as an instructor type to a student. There is a mixture of love, training, and correction. Eventually, the woman starts to doubt her judgment and abilities and starts slowly to turn her "locus of control" (decision-making and power) over to the abuser. Eventually she enters what is called "learned helplessness", doubting herself and believing more of what is "true" and "correct" from the abuser who uses love, control, and correction to manipulate and mold the woman. Finally that psychological mind-game may erupt in shouts, yells, shaming, and embarrassing the woman.

SOLUTION
1.learn martial arts,
2.recognize and trust your instinct.
3.see 'time' as a friend -- no need to be rushed into a relationship or any other situation that is not comfortable.
4.Take time to know yourself,needs, wants, and have a healthy support system of friends whom you uses to 'check out' your would-be boyfriend.
5.Trust one's Self and one's observations and one's body reaction to red flags.
6.It is okay that one's actions might disappoint someone else's expectations.
7. It is ok to say no and not to explain. One can still be courteous and friendly and say no.
8.Predatory people have a way of finding those whose suffer from low self-esteem and lack of confidence. And, of course, each time we are mistreated by someone we care about, our self-image and confidence suffer; it's a vicious cycle. Learn to be happier and more confident, don't tell people about past bad experiences with other people, and be aware and alert to possible predators.
9.Desperation, lack of confidence, submissiveness, no bounderies, weakness... there are traits, which attract abusive men. A predator knows it's prey...
10.Get a good therapist.

 

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New TopicHealing 4
Applying Glue to Our Cracked Relationship Models By Dr. David T. Weibel

We are social beings. We thrive within relationships, and our health and survival are threatened when our relationships are not going well. As children we need to attach to significant caregivers, as no species is as helpless at birth and through the early years as human beings. Later we will continue to attach to relatives, friends, teachers, role models, and romantic partners. We create and store internal representations of these people, which are sometimes called internal objects, and keep them with us even when these attachment figures are no longer present. How we related to these attachment figures, and how they related to us, becomes the basis for our views about our selves, and for our working models of relationships. A working model of relationships can be thought of as rules, principles, and expectations about how relationships should work. The model is a template or script about how to act in a relationship, including beliefs and expectations about how others will or should act in relationships. Useful metaphors include thinking of the working model as the foundation and frame of a house or building or even the architectural diagram.

People’s views about themselves and their working models of relationships are often less than ideal. Even if your parents loved them well, you may have still misperceived a gap or deficit between the love you wished for and the love you believe you received. In another scenario, you may have received inconsistent love, perhaps loving episodes interspersed with periods of criticism or abuse. Some people are not criticized, but merely perceive a distance or coldness from potential attachment figures. You may have come to believe that your loved ones are not reliable, and then extrapolate to believe that the entire world is not trustworthy. This may have led you to have core beliefs that you were not worthy of love, or that you had to be a high achiever to be loved. There are many ways in which people can have a working model of relationships that needs a bit of work, a bit of glue for the cracks or weak points.

How do we strengthen or solidify or working models of relationships?
It is usually not an overnight process. The first step is awareness. Because some of the beliefs and feelings about relationships are unconscious, it is difficult to bring them into the light of awareness. But it can be done. Reading this sheet and doing The Relationship Pattern worksheet diligently is a great step. Working with a therapist for a period of time, and examining relationship patterns in your life and with your therapist is a great method as well. Keeping an open mind and sitting with tough questions can help. You might ask:
Do I choose the same type of person?;
Does my clinginess or mistrust push people away?;
Am I responsible, partially or fully, for any of the patterns in my life?;
Is the world really hostile, or might my mistrust engender hostile reactions?
Practicing mindfulness to sit with your feelings and gain a perspective on your thoughts and your mind is a great complementary exercise. Mindfulness with a sense of inquiry can gradually help one get in contact with deep beliefs and feelings. When sitting in mindfulness and a feeling of anger comes up, you can ask ‘What else? Is there anything under the anger?’ This can slowly help you see feelings that were masked by other feelings, and can slowly help you become aware of previously hidden motivations.

For those high in mistrust, cynicism, or hostility
If you have been mistrusting in the past, you can experiment with more trusting attitudes. For example, recently a friend was visiting for three days, and I noticed that she was almost always upset with the restaurant service and believed it was personal. She would perceive that someone else was seated before us, and then describe an elaborate theory whereby by either:
a) locals
b) important people or
c) friends of the staff were seated before us.

I did not notice others being seated before us. When the server gave less than perfect service I did not take it as an affront, but said, “everyone has a first day at some point,” recalling the many fiascos I have had in my working career, especially as a younger person. This type of perspective taking and empathy will improve your mood and relationships. You smile more, and you will give and get more love.

You can also risk trusting in a slow and gradual manner to minimize your fear. The hostile person is really more afraid than angry. Gradual trust experiments are a form of systematic exposure to trust. Exposure therapy can cure phobias, and it can also cure a fear of trusting. Therapy is a great place to experiment with trust. Hopefully, your therapist can live up to your trust experiment. Make sure to watch your quick judgments, as in the above restaurant example. If your therapist does something that you think is a violation of trust, bring it up. It may be a misunderstanding. Is your mind flexible enough to consider other alternative explanations? If you start paying attention and risk testing your suspicions with the person, you will start to notice that your mistrusting worldview is often incorrect, or at least incomplete.

Risking trust with new friends is at least as good as risking trust with a therapist. Go out, join a club, introduce yourself, ask someone to do a shared activity, and then risk trusting them. Give them more trust and leeway than you previously would. Buy them to lunch or do them a favor. Trust that the favor might come back to you. Or do it for the pure altruism. Start with low risk trust experiments and gradually build up in a wise manner once your trust in others increases. Trust usually leads to social support and strong allies.

For those who tend toward desperation and clinginess
If we follow this maladaptive pattern, we will try to find someone who we believe can fill the holes in our hearts (and working models), idealize this person via fantasy, and then try to merge completely with the person. In this case, we do not want to idealize just anyone. The person has to have some special quality that the idealizer believes will complete their emptiness. This special quality likely has something to do with our original attachment figures, either a quality they possessed or that we wish they had possessed. If we find someone who meets these criteria, perhaps an attractive potential mate or a potential new mentor, we will idealize them, quickly become infatuated, and try to merge our identities with theirs. We do not even have to know them personally. We can attempt to merge with people that we only know via books, movies, or other media. Problems arise because no one mentor or lover can immediately fill the void in the person’s heart (working model). The idealizer is desperate to have their emptiness filled. When the idealized person fails to quickly meet their needs, the person feels devastated and will immediately judge and devalue the person who, only moments before, had been on a pedestal. This is the pattern of idealization-devaluation, love-hate. The idealizer may place the devalued person back on the pedestal, if they can rebuild the fantasy, but the instability remains. The grace periods of love in the love-hate cycle are inevitably short lived.
To correct this pattern, we need to get to know the real person, and realize that first impressions or media managed impressions are often highly glossy. Think back to all those times when we were quickly infatuated with someone, only to later learn that they had blemishes. Realize that even the most famous, handsome, or smartest people have considerable flaws. Realize that you do not need a flawless attachment or flawless friend, partner, or mentor. You feel flaws within your self-concept and thus think the perfect person will provide the perfect salve for that wound. In reality, a good enough person would work perfectly well. All you need to do is give them the breaks and acceptance that you deserve, and they can become a trusting and solid relationship that will place some superglue in the cracks of your working model of relationships.

Build real relationships not based on idealization. See and accept the real person, flaws and all. Whatever you do, do not panic when a person disappoints you and does not live up to your idealized fantasy. These moments are opportunities to mindfully examine your thoughts and your tendency to want to devalue the person for disappointing you. Take the time to question your thoughts and patterns, experiment with forgiveness, and see if the relationship does not recover and grow, providing more reinforcement to your model of relationships. By forgiving the other a few transgressions, you will also be better able to forgive yourself, boosting self-compassion.

 

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For those low in assertiveness
1.People can become low in assertiveness for two main reasons. In the healthiest, they have been taught that the highest value is to help and please others. These people are hyper-conscientious and may be hyper-moral. They are the pleasers, and they have the disease to please. Many women are pleasers. Traditional gender roles used to dictate that the best a woman can be is ‘sweet’ while a man should be ‘tough’ or ‘tough yet sensitive’, but notice which word comes first. In many ways, this form of low assertiveness is one of the most benign diseases on the planet. The world needs more conscientiousness. These people just need to relax and not worry so much. They need to realize that when they stifle their preferences, wishes, desires, and emotions, they are not giving their true or best self to the world. They need to realize that they are more effective altruists (givers) when they take care of themselves. Skilled altruism emerges when we care for our selves, and then act congruently and powerfully to serve. They need to realize that when we allow the world to give to us, we allow the others to enjoy the feeling of being generous.

2.A second way that people can become low in assertiveness is a bit more pernicious. In this form, the person believes their emotions, opinions, and preferences were not valued. At worst, these people were neglected. Or their parents were around, but never listened. Thus, these people acquired a belief that their concerns do not count. These people can read the following section on solidifying the self, to help them realize that their opinions are as valid as anyone’s. When they do not share their preferences, they are depriving the world and their selves.

For both types of low assertiveness or combinations between them, experimentation and practice is vital. Your Perfect Right is a concise book that can help people be more assertive.
Solidify the Self
Sometimes we do not have opportunities to form new relationships. Perhaps, we work in a setting with few people, recently moved, or are very shy or depressed. There are still steps you can take to feel better that fall under the realm of coping skills, self-comforting, or re-parenting the self. Re-parenting the self is perhaps the most interesting term. Re-parenting means that as adults we can care for ourselves like a skilled and caring parent. We are no longer powerless. We can take responsibility and¬¬¬¬¬¬ treat ourselves with the kindness and understanding we have always wanted. This is not to blame parents, nor deem them unnecessary. Parents can be great allies and supporters throughout life, but as adults, we are no longer dependent on them. We recognize that we do not have to wait for an outside source to help us soothe and comfort our selves.
Problem-focused coping involves addressing the problem via decision making, action plans, time management, skill building, or just hard work. But not all problems can be solved. Emotion-focused coping methods include a variety of skills that allow us to deal with life as it comes. We need to find outlets for stress besides dangerous escape activities such as excessive drinking, drugging, sexing, gambling, shopping, or risk-taking. We can learn to work skillfully with thoughts, so that we do not take self-critical and anxious thoughts too seriously. Smart exercise and nutrition choices will boost our mood, drastically changing what we perceive as a problem, as well as boosting our efficiency. Relaxation techniques quiet the mind and ease stress. A simple but wise definition of skilled coping is “Eat when hungry, sleep when tired.” This seemingly simple phrase contains wisdom. Think how often we eat for reasons besides hunger and how we push through fatigue, causing more severe problems. Effective coping involves honoring what we actually feel. It involves attending to and caring for our emotions rather than blocking or suppressing them.
Imagine yourself as a two year old who skins his or her knee. If the parent of the hurt child says, “you’re not hurt” or “get over it”, the child’s emotions will not run their course. The child may learn to block, repress, or deny the natural process of fear and sadness. Blocked or repressed emotions rarely disappear. It takes continual energy to keep these emotions locked up in the unconscious. The defenses we have developed to bury the emotions are never fully effective. The emotions may leak out in unskillful ways, causing us to lash out at the wrong target or to engage in escape activities, such as the overs: over-drinking, drugging, sexing, risking, etc. Thus, treat your self like a two year old who skins their knee, with compassion and kindness, allowing your emotions to be fully felt and to run their course.

Another way to boost self-conceptions, which will help as we enter relationships, is to engage in life, pursuing your passions. It sounds cliché. But I believe you can scientifically test the cliché. Study how your voice, enthusiasm, energy, and effectiveness changes when you pursue a passion versus a task or job that you hate. Watch how people react to you, and study how you react to others when they talk about their passion. The change in a person’s energy and voice when talking about their passion is obvious and attractive. We have all heard it, but we have not fully realized the implications. Spend more time engaging your passions and you will literally be more powerful. Not powerful in terms of dominating others, but powerful in terms of energy and influence that you can use to connect with others and serve. It is true we cannot all be artists, poets, or musicians, but we can all certainly pursue passions in our off time and likely take small steps toward bringing our passions into our job.
I believe everyone has a passion. But some people are so depressed, they forgot their passion, or they claim they never had one. Go out and try a new hobby. Many people wait before engaging in hobbies that could become passions. They say they need a friend to sign up for a class. This is not the case. Everyone can slowly get over shyness. Doing something alone is a skill, which will boost self-esteem and confidence when you do have opportunities to meet people.
Finally, try not to take your thoughts, your self, or even other people too seriously.
Love the world and other people, but realize they are as goofy as you are. Watch comedians or political satirists and you will understand that this thing called life is indeed a strange existence. Everybody is weird in one way or another. No one is immune and no one gets out alive. Go out there and put some super glue, spackle, cement, bondo, or duct tape on your working model of relationships. Or appreciate the model you have. Or start fresh and draw up new blue prints. Flexibility and connectedness are the goal.

Studying Patterns is not Parent Blaming
Studying relationship patterns is about increasing understanding and flexibility, not blaming. Due to limits in human communication skills, reasoning, and interpretive capacities, a human child will almost certainly perceive some deficits in the love they receive, regardless of the loving efforts of the parents. Thus, every child perceives or misperceives some moment when they believe they were not fully loved, and this may influence their views of themselves, as well as their models of working relationships. Although this may sound bleak or fatalistic, it is meant to be liberating and promoting of compassion. If we realize that perceived or misperceived breakdowns in love were not necessarily due to our parents’ flaws, but to the inevitability of human misperceptions and communication breakdowns, then we can give our parents, other people, and our selves a break. We can be compassionate and understanding. If you realize that the chances of emerging totally unscathed are slim, and that we are all wounded to some degree, then you can be compassionate toward yourself and others, and use this knowledge to act skillfully in the world. If this still sounds too bleak, realize there are several models in psychology. Consider this relational approach with an open mind and use it if it works. If not, toss it. It is about thriving, not blaming.

 

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New Topic Cluster A Personality Disorder?

People with psychological personality disorders have traits that cause them to feel and behave in socially distressing ways. Depending on the specific disorder, these personalities are generally described in negative terms such as hostile, detached, needy, antisocial or obsessive (Dobbert 2007).

Classification of Personality Disorders

There are currently 10 conditions that are considered personality disorders, some of which have very little in common. Mental health professionals group those personality disorders that share characteristics into one of three clusters:

Cluster A Personality Disorders are those considered to be marked by odd, eccentric behavior. Paranoid, Schizoid and Schizotypal Personality Disorders are in this category.

Cluster B Personality Disorders are evidenced by dramatic, erratic behaviors and include Histrionic, Narcissistic, Antisocial and Borderline Personality Disorders.

Cluster C Personality Disorders are distinguished by the anxious, fearful behavior commonly seen in Obsessive-Compulsive, Avoidant and Dependent Personality Disorders.

Cluster A Personality Disorders

Paranoid Personality Disorder
PPD is a type of psychological personality disorder characterized by an extreme level of distrust and suspiciousness of others. Paranoid personalities are generally difficult to get along with, and their combative and distrustful nature often elicits hostility in others. The negative social interactions that result from their behavior then serve to confirm and reinforce their original pessimistic expectations.

Needless to say, those with PPD are unlikely to form many close relationships and are typically perceived as cold and distant. They are quick to challenge the loyalty of friends and loved ones and tend to carry long grudges (Dobbert 2007, Kantor 2004).

Schizoid Personality Disorder
Individuals with schizoid personality are characteristically detached from social relationships and show a restricted range of expressed emotions. Their social skills, as would be expected, are weak, and they do not typically express a need for attention or approval. They may be perceived by others as somber and aloof, and often are referred to as "loners."

Although it is not known with certainty that individuals with this personality disorder prefer their isolation, it is thought that, unlike individuals with Avoidant Personality Disorder (APD), schizoids do not secretly wish to be more socially outgoing (Dobbert 2007).

Schizotypal Personality Disorder
Schizotypal personalities are characterized by odd forms of thought, perception and beliefs. They may have bizarre mannerisms, an eccentric appearance, and speech that is excessively elaborate and difficult to follow. However, these cognitive distortions and eccentricities are only considered to be a disorder when the behaviors become persistent and very disabling or distressing.

In social interactions, schizotypals may react inappropriately, not react at all, or talk to themselves. They may believe that they have extra sensory powers or that they are connected to unrelated events in some important way. However, they tend to avoid intimacy and typically have few close friends. Although schizotypals may marry and hold down jobs, they are prone to feel nervous around strangers (Dobbert 2007).

More Information on Personality Disorders

There are numerous on-line and in print resources with additional information on personality disorders, including: Psychology Prof Online and PsychCentral.

This article is a brief summary of Cluster A personality disorders. The contents of this article are not meant to be used for diagnosis and are not a substitute for professional help and counseling.

 

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New Topic Cluster C personalities

General features of all Cluster C personalities
Isolation
Orderly
Controlled
Anxious
Remembers truth with affect
Compulsive or Obsessive-Compulsive
Passive-Aggression
Self-chosen failure
Masochistic
Dysthymic

Type: Avoidant Personality (common)
Characteristics
Socially inhibited, shy and lonely
Sense of being inadequate with low self esteem
Hypersensitive to criticism
Reluctant to take risks or try new activities as they might be embarrassing
Desperate for relationships
But avoid social contact for fear of disapproval, criticism or rejection
Impacts work, social situations, intimacy
Altered interpretation of illness and physician
Not forthcoming with information
Will not question or disagree with doctor
Recommended physician approach
Reassure and validate concerns
Encourage talking about concerns in future

Type: Obsessive Compulsive Personality
Characteristics (often successful men)
Inhibited, stubborn, rigid and a perfectionist - interferes with task completion
Preoccupied with orderliness or perfection, rules, lists, order, organization or schedules (obscures the major point of activity)
Excessively devoted to work and productivity and excludes recreation and friendships
Reluctant to delegate tasks to others unless they will perform those tasks exactly as he or she directs
Miserly spending habit; hoards money in case of future catastrophe
Unable to throw away worthless items (without sentimental value)
Mental and interpersonal control
Worry about loss of emotional control
Altered interpretation of illness and physician
Prolongs illness behavior to obtain attention
Demands urgent attention
Recommended physician approach
Reassure
See in clinic regularly (set limits on availability)
Identify support network to assist patient
Avoid rejecting patient

Type: Dependent Personality
Characteristics (more common in women)
Difficulty making everyday decisions without significant advice and reassurance from others
Need to be taken care of, passive, unsure - others need to assume responsibilities for most areas of their life
Submissive behavior as they fear disagreement and the loss of support or approval
Difficulty initiating independent projects
Volunteers to perform unpleasant tasks to obtain the nurture and support of others
Urgently needs to replace one relationship when another one ends
Fear of separation
Sensation of helplessness
May appear passive-aggressive
Altered interpretation of illness and physician
Exhaustive questioning
Attention to minute detail
Angry when routines are disrupted
Recommended physician approach
Careful history and examination
Thorough explanations
Do not emphasize uncertainty
Involve patient in treatment program
Evaluate for comorbid conditions
Anxiety Disorder
Major Depression

 

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New Topic Healing 5 Codependency
http://www.piamellody.com/articles.html
See Post 115 for Codependency Checklist

Understanding the Codependency Addiction
Codependent people tend to gather their self worth from outside influences. The fact that they "feel good" doesn't come from within but from someone telling them that they feel good. The codependent unknowingly seeks approval from others in order to feel her emotions and feelings. She has given up her self control. Someone else's mind is thinking for her. If self control is given to the wrong person, a potentially harmful or abusive situation may occur. In order to eliminate a fear of rejection, a codependent will go above and beyond compliance. He or she will put their values, friends, family, etc. aside as they become more involved in a relationship. He or she will begin to make abnormal behaviors normal, furthermore distorting the view of reality. The quality of life begins to depend on someone else. An addiction is formed.
The problem comes when the codependent decides he or she has had enough. When compliance is altered and the focus is taken off of the partner or loved one and placed on "self," things get ugly.
Think of it this way: While training your pet, a treat is given each time compliance is met. The pet associates a treat with doing a good job. One day you do not reward your pet's good behavior. The pet's sense of compliance becomes altered. Did I do something wrong? Try and relate this to your relationship. You are the 'treat' and you give yourself to your partner or loved one as a reward for good behavior. You give yourself so regularly that a predictable association is made. One day, you have had enough, and decide not to give yourself to anyone. You have become non-compliant in your partner or loved one's mind. They may react in a harmful or abusive way. Thankfully for us, dogs don't think like humans!!
This is a subject that is near and dear to me because I have gone through this exact scenario. It took years for me to realize I was trapped in a vicious cycle. Once I did, it took years for me to break it and begin recovery. I main things were becoming aware and making sure I was ready to make a change.
If the codependent person is not ready or unwilling to make a change, it is very difficult to make any progress. Keep trying and don't give up. Ask yourself "How bad do I really want this?" and start the process of detachment a little bit at a time.

Refreshing our Relationships
Last time we took a peek at how codependency can lead to harmful and abusive relationships. Now, we can look at some ways to refresh our relationships and make sure we are setting healthy and appropriate boundaries.

Relationships are a basis for our lives and we are all connected in some way. So how do we balance everything without stretching ourselves too thin? Boundaries! The ultimate goal is to improve and maintain our side of the relationship by setting up our own 'personal space.' Our effectiveness in maintaining this personal space will impact whether we get what we need to be fulfilled.
Good communication and a relationship with "self" are two very integral parts of this process. We need to know ourselves well enough to know where we stand, and we need to be able to express ourselves to people around us to help them understand us. Again, the key is to find a healthy balance of "you," "me," and "us." The illustration below shows us that balance.
While practicing our effectiveness in expressing ourselves will be challenged. Some common statements that arise to be challenged include:
"They will be mad at me if I say no." "If I ask for help, it will show my weakness." "I should be willing to sacrifice my own needs to help others."
I'm sure a lot more will surface as you begin to challenge yourself. We encourage to challenge the statements above with healthier statements like:
"It's my right to say no. Saying no will keep me safe and happy." "If I never ask for help, I will never get it. People cannot read my mind." "If my needs aren't met, I will be in no condition to help others."
Think of the oxygen mask that drops down as a plane is crashing. Put your mask on first. If you can't breathe, how can you help someone else breathe? You cannot give away something you do not already possess.
So begin to practice saying "no" to things you really don't want to do. Let yourself feel the guilt or whatever emotion comes up when you make your decisions...and let it go.

 

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Finding Your Personal Space
Last time, we discussed characteristics of healthy relationships. This part of the course will touch a little deeper on establishing a set of healthy personal boundaries. Just like we need to find balance in our relationships, we need to set boundaries that are appropriate for each relationship.
Our bodies and emotions will naturally help us establish these boundaries, so pay close attention to how you respond in certain situations. Keep in mind that getting in touch with yourself may cause you to have to alter your existing boundaries, if any.
Make sure you are able to talk and listen. If you can't communicate, others will not get a clear picture of what you are trying to say. Be respectful when communicating and listening, and be open and willing to negotiate and compromise. Practice not offering your advice unless someone asks for it. This may be crossing one of their personal boundaries.
When it comes to sharing your feelings, be clear and assertive. Start your statements with "I feel..." instead of "You make me feel..." No one has the power to control your emotions; they are yours and only yours. You will begin to feel empowered when you own your thoughts and feelings. Practice being decisive, make a decision and stick to it. Allow other people to react or respond the way they are going to. It's their problem if they like or dislike a situation. Practice detaching your emotion from their response.
Think of it this way: stand up and put your arms out to the side. Spin around and imagine the circle you have just created around yourself. This is your personal space. Make a list of things you would like to keep inside and outside of this circle. Draw a picture if need be and be very clear on your wants and needs and their rightful place in your life.

Habits
A habit is formed when we get accustomed to doing things without thinking. There are connections that fire in our brain in a certain order so when a piece of that habit is performed, you just know what to do. Conquering codependency is like breaking a bad habit. The first time you try will be the hardest, but the more you practice, the easier it becomes. We are essentially forming new connections in the brain and detaching our emotions from our actions.
This can be especially difficult when we love and care for someone very deeply. We don't want to see that person fail or suffer any pain, and we don't want to say no for fear it will hurt their feelings. We are dead set on fixing that person's problems and trying to do the hard work for them. In reality, we may be causing more harm than help.
We are enabling that vicious cycle to perpetuate and staying stuck in the rut. We have become codependent on the codependent person. So what happens when we stop the cycle and try to reverse it? Progress! By realizing we are powerless against the cycle's force, we begin to gain power. When we stop placing blame and judgment on others, we learn the real facts. We need to begin using the energy we have spent trying to control others, and channel it towards controlling ourselves. We are the only ones we can fix.
In some cases, this involves practicing 'tough love' and using some of the boundaries we have established. The addicted or codependent person will stop kicking and screaming once they realize it's truly up to them to make the necessary changes. Give that person the responsibility of handling their own problems, and take responsibility for your own.
Each side of this interaction will most likely have to hit "rock bottom" before change can effectively take place. Everyone's rock bottoms are different and everyone hits it differently. This process is going to take time. The reward is a much improved relationship with yourself and the other person.
So start out small. Figure out a small habit you can break. For example, take a shower at night instead of in the morning; take a different route to work, etc. You may even enjoy these slight changes! Then move onto bigger things. Break the habit one day at a time.

Becoming and Staying Aware
One of the most important tools needed to overcome codependency is mindfulness. Mindfulness essentially teaches us how to gain back control of our mind. In order to practice, we must learn to observe, describe and participate in the present moment. Mindfulness assists us in getting to know ourselves and monitoring how we react in certain situations. Codependent people tend to compulsively react without thinking or being aware of their surroundings. Their emotions are so entangled in someone else's that they don't know where they stop and the other person begins. I have adapted some basic mindfulness practices that have been helpful for staying in the moment:Have a "Teflon mind"- allow thoughts, feelings and experiences to enter but easily slide right on through your mind
Stay alert to everything happening in and around your personal space, and do not makejudgments about it
Describe a thought as a thought, a feeling a as a feeling, ignore what emotion is attached to itAllow yourself to fully participate in each moment, don't think about where you want to be or where you think you should be. Our thoughts, emotions and behaviors naturally impact each other. By sticking only to the facts and monitoring how we describe things, we can increase our problem solving capabilities. Remember, a more extreme description equals a more extreme thought, emotion or behavior.
For example, when discussing the weather:
"It's about 75 degrees outside, the sun is shining and it looks like a few dark clouds may be headed this way. We may be seeing some rain soon."

vs.

"It's so hot you can fry and egg on the sidewalk out there. And have you seen those clouds??? Take shelter as soon as possible. We have severe weather headed this way."
Focus on what works in each moment and do just what is needed. When feeling overwhelmed, stop. Breathe. Make a list of thinks you would like to accomplish and do them one at a time. Focus on each thing separately as you proceed.
These techniques are usually helpful for codependent people because codependents tend to take on everything they can to stay distracted from their own lives. When you are ready to drop that excess baggage, mindfulness will help prevent you from picking it back up again.

 

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http://www.codependencynomore.com/codependency-recovery-and-treatment/

Phases of Recovery
Recovery from codependency is a worthwhile journey. Just like grief or addiction, it is a multiple step process durgin which you will be able to shed excess baggage and learn how to control impulsive, destructive behavior. There is no right or wrong length of time recovery takes because it is a lifelong process. It is normal to feel stuck at times. It took years to get where you are today and progress will happen slowly but steadily depending on how hard you are willing to work at it.

There are generally five stages in the recovery process:

Survivor Stage - you may be feeling discomfort and emotional pain. You are aware something has to change but are not sure what. You are simply 'surviving' or existing at this point.
Re-identification Stage - there is a shift in the way you view yourself, something clicked, and a light bulb has gone off. You are becoming more away of how you got where you are today. You are realizing that you don't have as much control over others as you thought you did.
Core Issues Stage - you are learning to admit that there is a problem with trust, self-esteem and control. You may be trying new behaviors to get to know yourself. Your emotional life is just starting to come back around because you are that much more in touch with 'you.'
Integration - You are ready and willing to establish new beliefs and attitudes that contribute to a heightened sense of self. You are better able to express yourself and your needs and allow others to react to you without becoming attached.
Genesis - You may have found a new spiritual part of your life and may be gaining a better sense of inner peace.
Just remember, you are not alone. All of the hard work you have become willing to do will be worth it. It may sound cliché, but "knowledge is power". Learn as much as you can from yourself and other people. Attend support groups with others just like yourself. The more support you have, the more you can give back. In the next course, I will provide more resources to aid you in recovery.
One of the hardest things to do once you have chosen to begin a recovery process is stay in that process. Just like a drug addict, a codependent person will experience "triggers" or memories, thoughts, people, etc. that will tempt him or her to return to old ways. Heightened awareness is a key to acknowledging these triggers and working through them. The codependent person will learn to become aware of what events, intrusive thoughts and memories act as triggers. By formulating a plan of action, he or she can begin to practice how to deal with these tempting situations.

Resources
There are various resources available to aid in this part of the recovery process and expand on other skills that will be needed. Some find it helpful to attend Codependent Anonymous, Alcoholics Anonymous or Al-Anon meetings. A similar set of skills that an alcoholic or drug addict may use to stay in recovery will usually be helpful in confronting a codependency addiction.

Also, if drugs or alcohol are part of the problem, contact your local Drug and Alcohol Treatment Facility for possible options. Inpatient and Outpatient programs are available, as well as after care and peer support groups. If someone is hurting you or someone you love, use the National Domestic Violence Hotline 24/7 at 1800-799-SAFE (7233) for help finding a crisis shelter and support groups in your area.

Sometimes there are underlying issues that need confronted before codependency can effectively be dealt with. Psychiatric and psychological facilities will be helpful in this case. Some outpatient facilities offer support groups for people with mood disorders, anxiety, bipolar, post traumatic stress disorder, etc. Dialectical behavioral therapy and cognitive behavioral therapy are two types of help that provide a core set of life skills that support the structure of recovery.

So...

That brings us to the end of our mini course. We hope that these articles have been helpful in understanding a little more about codependency. In the future we look forward to staying in touch through ongoing newsletters and other valuable resources that we are working on to share with you. Also, keep watching for our e-book which will be released soon! Feel free to contact us anytime with further questions, support or feedback. We would like to know what other topics you would like to learn more about.

 

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New Topic What does No Contact Means:

NO Talking To Them No Matter What Happens And No Matter What You Hear

NO Letting Them Talk To You, NO Listening To Anything They Say, NO “Hearing Them Out.”

NO Letting Them In Your House And NO Going To Their House. If It Is Possible To Move, Then Move, Get A P.O. Box, And Don't Let Them Know When Or Where You're Going.

NO Phone Calls and NO Returning Voicemail Messages. Change Your Number To Unlisted and Unpublished, And Do Not Give It To Anyone You Can't Trust Not To Give It To Your Abuser. NEVER pick up the phone. Screen Your Calls. Use Caller ID Or Let Your Machine Pick Up.

NO Sending Or Responding To E-Mails. Block Their E-Mails, IMs, And Ability To See When You Are Online

NO Meetings to "Talk Things Over" Or "Work Things Out".

NO Communication At All Except Through Attorneys.

NO Cards or Letters and NO Responding to Cards or Letters. NO Birthday Cards. NO Christmas Cards. NO Mother's Day or Father's Day Cards.

NO Gifts and NO Accepting Gifts. If A Gift Is Sent To You, NO Acknowledging It And NO Responding.

NO Exceptions For Holidays, Birthdays, or Anniversaries

NO Visits, Including Hospital Visits

NO Letting Them Near Your Kids. If They're Too Toxic For You To Be Around, Then They're Too Toxic For Your Children To Be Around. Warn Your Children To Stay Away From Them. Notify Your Children's School To Call The Police If They Show Up.

NO Public Pleasantries. If You Run Into Them In a Public Place, Ignore Them, Turn Your Back, And Walk Away. If They Approach You, Say In A Loud Voice, "Leave Me Alone!" And "Do Not Talk To Me". If They Persist Or You Believe You Are Being Stalked, Call The Police.

NO Discussing Them With Anybody Who Has Contact With Them.

NO Speaking At All To Anyone Who Might Be Pumping You For Information Or Spying On You, And Reporting Back To Them. Cut Off Anyone Who Is Not Loyal To You.

NO Listening to Any News About Them. If you’re absolutely DYING of curiosity, listen but do not show undue interest, do not respond, and do not give any information in return.

NO Giving Other People Information About You Or Your Family That They Could Carry Back To Your Abuser

NO Invitations to Your Big Events and NO Responding to Invitations They Send You

NO Responding To News That They Are Getting Married, Having A Baby, Getting A New Job, Retiring, Moving, Taking A Trip, Sick, Dying, Or Dead

NO Big Announcements or Telling Them Anything About Your Life- NO Letting Them Know You're Getting Married, Moving, Or Having A Baby. NO Letting Them Know When Your Children Get Married, Where They Live, Work, or Go To School, Or When Your Grandkids Are Born.

Print Out E-Mails and Keep All Cards, Letters and Other Communication In A File For Future Harrassment Or Stalking Charges, But Do Not Respond.

No Contact means NO CONTACT. Nothing, Nada, Zilch, Zip, Zero. As if they were total strangers who also happen to be dangerous, deranged, psychopathic stalkers. Which they pretty much are. So why would you not protect yourself and your family from them?

Narcissists do not understand limits, maintaining a comfortable distance, taking it slow, or being cordial while still keeping someone at arm’s length. They only deal in extremes, and must be totally enmeshed with you, with no boundaries or restrictions. It’s all or nothing with them. Because of this, it’s important to accept that it is NOT possible to have “limited” or “occasional” contact- for instance, only when there is a big event like a wedding or funeral. This only sends a mixed message to your abuser, who will interpret ANY willingness at all on your part to communicate with him as a sign that all is forgiven, you’ve gotten over your little snit, and everything can now go back to normal, without him ever having to apologize or stop abusing you.

No Contact is THE END. You have already wasted your entire life trying everything possible to have a nice peaceful relationship, and nothing worked. That's why you reached this crossroads. There is nothing left to try. It’s OVER. It's time to put a period on it, walk away, and never look back. Time to finally live your life. Time to do what you must to protect yourself and your loved ones from evil people who would do you harm. If you break No Contact, you will only be sucked back in. If you keep No Contact, you will live your life in peace, freedom, and safety. And after it's all over, I leave it up to you whether you go to the funeral or not. If you have moved on with your life and left the past in the past, you won't feel the need to.

NO CONTACT CONTRACT

NO CONTACT MEANS-- NO CONTACT

1. To keep my sanity and end this relationship, I must maintain NO CONTACT.

2. No contact includes every single form of contact with him/her.

2a. This also includes...do NOT ask friends/family about him/her and do NOT let friends/family tell you about him/her.

3. I will not email him/her.

4. I will not call him/her.

5. I will not send him/her letters, cards for any occasion or notes of any kind.

6. I will not text message, two way, fax or page him/her.

7. If he/she calls me, I will hang up immediately, or not answer the phone at all.

8. If he/she leaves a voice mail or answering machine messages, I will delete it without listening to it. (Anything he/she says is done to draw me back into the insanity.)

9. If he/she emails me, I will delete the message without reading it or answering it.

10. If he/she mails me a card, letter or note of any kind, I will throw it into the garbage can without opening it or reading it.

11. If he/she two-ways me, text messages or pages me, I will delete the message or the phone number and not listen to the message or return his/her call.

If I am ever tempted to do anything listed from 1-11, I will get to this board immediately and talk about it.

12. I will replace any hopeful reunion fantasy with a Clear Memory of a time that I was insulted, manipulated, belittled, made me cry, used my children, friends or family to demean me, embarassed me in front of co-workers, family or friends or used sex or love as a way to intentionally hurt me.

13. If I feel like I am about to reach for the phone to call him/her, write, email, page, fax or text message him/her, I will count to ten and clealy ask myself silently, why am I doing this?

14. If friends and family are not supportive of my efforts to remove myself from this relationship, I will not discuss my personal life with them and will ask them sternly not to offer their opinions. My decisions about this are my own. This is My Battle.

15. If I find that the urge to speak to him/her or see him/her has overwhelmed me and I slip off the course, I promise to be kind to myself and patient with the situation.

16. I promise to be good to myself, forgive myself and allow myself to move on and not dwell on this for ever.

17. I will stop creating chaos in my mind & environment.

18. I will accept reality - The facts.

19. I will accept others for who they are.

20. My hands are off others responsibilities: I will tend to my own, focus on me.

21. I will refuse to believe any lies about how wonderful his/her life is now. Basing the truth on the past, I will assume him/her to be lying.

22. I will distrust every time he/she has a "change of heart"

23. I will journal all my positive and negative feelings.

24. I must accept my own responsibility in this relationship.

25. I will strive to find what it was that he/she invoked in me that created MY behavior.

26. We must love ourselves.

27. Take time off before beginning a new relationship. At LEAST a year.

28. Find out what we need in a relationship, and go after that in a person that is worthy and has GENUINE substance, morals, and ethics.

 

[Mitre]

New Topic Dependent Personality Disorder and Preventing Abuse
http://outofthefog.net/Disorders/DPD.html

Dependent Personality Disorder is a cluster C personality Disorder that results in submissive and clinging behavior, a fear of separation and an inappropriate reliance on others. The DPD sufferer often feels helpless or unable to cope independently - and frequently and inappropriately seeks to transfer responsibility for their situation or well-being onto another. They are also at an increased risk of: depression; substance abuse, and of suffering abuse at the hands of others. Because they fear losing support or approval, individuals with dependent personality disorder often have difficulty expressing disagreement with other people, especially those on whom they are dependent. These individuals feel so unable to function alone that they will agree with things that they feel are wrong rather than risk losing the help of those to whom they look for guidance. They have difficulty initiating projects or working independently. They may go to extreme lengths to obtain nurturance and support from others, even to the point of volunteering for unpleasant tasks if such behavior will bring the care that they need.When a close relationship ends (such as a breakup with a lover or the death of a caregiver), individuals with Dependent Personality disorder may urgently seek another relationship to provide the care and support they need. They are often preoccupied with fears of being left to care for themselves.

What causes dependent personality disorder?
Most likely it involves both biological and developmental factors. Overly anxious or insecure parents are often the cause of a child's inability to individuate from them. If a person was constantly punished or made to feel guilty for seeking their independence or for acting autonomously as a child, they may feel that independent thought and action is a risky path to follow. While they need to move on from their childhood experiences, recalling aspects of it that may have brought about their dependent personality can be helpful in enlightening them as to why they try to attach themselves to other people who will do all the hard work of decision-making and thinking for them. If you can take the time to listen to them and gently ask questions about their childhood, a pattern of unhappy attachment might be revealed.

Assessment for DPD:
-Do you seek advice for everyday decisions?
-Do you find yourself in situations where other people have made decisions about important areas in your life, e.g. what job to take?
-Is it hard for you to express a different opinion with someone you are close to? What do you think might happen if you did?
-Do you often pretend to agree with others even if you do not? Why?
-Do you often need help to get started on a project?
-Do you ever volunteer to do unpleasant things for others so they will take care of you when you need it?
-Are you uncomfortable when you are alone? Are you afraid you will not be able to take care of yourself?
-Have you found that you are desperate to get into another relationship right away when a close relationship ends? Even if the new relationship might not be the best person for you?
-Do you worry about important people in your life leaving you?

Symptoms
1.Has difficulty making everyday decisions without an excessive amount of advice and reassurance from others
2.Needs others to assume responsibility for most major areas of his or her life
3.Has difficulty expressing disagreement with others because of fear of loss of support or approval. Note: Do not include realistic fears of retribution.
4.Has difficulty initiating projects or doing things on his or her own (because of a lack of self-confidence in judgment or abilities rather than a lack of motivation or energy)
5.Goes to excessive lengths to obtain nurturance and support from others, to the point of volunteering to do things that are unpleasant
6.Feels uncomfortable or helpless when alone because of exaggerated fears of being unable to care for himself or herself
7.Urgently seeks another relationship as a source of care and support when a close relationship ends
8.Is unrealistically preoccupied with fears of being left to take care of himself or herself

Dependent Personality Disorder Traits
Avoidance - The practice of withdrawing from relationships with other people as a defensive measure to reduce the risk of rejection, accountability, criticism or exposure.
Blaming - The practice of identifying a person or people responsible for creating a problem, rather than identifying ways of dealing with the problem.
Catastrophizing - The habit of automatically assuming a "worst case scenario" and inappropriately characterizing minor or moderate problems or issues as catastrophic events.
Dependency - An inappropriate and chronic reliance by an adult individual on another individual for their health, subsistence, decision making or personal and emotional well-being.
Depression - When you feel sadder than you think you should, for longer than you think you should - but still can't seem to break out of it - that's depression. People who suffer from personality disorders are often also diagnosed with depression resulting from mistreatment at the hands of others, low self-worth and the results of their own poor choices.
Domestic Theft - Consuming or taking control of a resource or asset belonging to (or shared with) a family member, partner or spouse without first obtaining their approval.
Emotional Blackmail - A system of threats and punishments used in an attempt to control someone’s behaviors.
Engulfment - An unhealthy and overwhelming level of attention and dependency on another person, which comes from imagining or believing one exists only within the context of that relationship.
Sense of Entitlement - An unrealistic, unmerited or inappropriate expectation of favorable living conditions and favorable treatment at the hands of others.
Fear of Abandonment - An irrational belief that one is imminent danger of being personally rejected, discarded or replaced.
Feelings of Emptiness - An acute, chronic sense that daily life has little worth or significance, leading to an impulsive appetite for strong physical sensations and dramatic relationship experiences.
FOG - Fear, Obligation & Guilt - The acronym FOG, for Fear, Obligation and Guilt, was first coined by Susan Forward & Donna Frazier in Emotional Blackmail and describes feelings that a person often has when in a relationship with someone who suffers from a personality disorder. Our website, Out of the FOG, is named after this acronym.
Harassment - Any sustained or chronic pattern of unwelcome behavior by one individual towards another.
Lack of Object Constancy - A symptom of some personality disorders, Lack of Object Constancy is an inability to remember that people or objects are consistent, trustworthy and reliable, especially when they are out of your immediate field of vision. Object constancy is a developmental skill which most children do not develop until two or three years of age.
Low-Functioning - A Low-Functioning Personality-Disordered Individual is one who is unable to conceal their dysfunctional behavior from public view or maintain a positive public or professional profile.
Low Self-Esteem - A common term used to describe a group of negatively-distorted self-views which are inconsistent with reality.
Mirroring - Imitating or copying another person's characteristics, behaviors or traits.
Panic Attacks - Short intense episodes of fear or anxiety, often accompanied by physical symptoms, such as hyperventilating, shaking, sweating and chills.
Parentification - A form of role reversal, in which a child of a personality-disordered parent is inappropriately given the role of meeting the emotional or physical needs of the parent or of the other children.
Perfectionism - The maladaptive practice of holding oneself or others to an unrealistic, unattainable or unsustainable standard of organization, order, or accomplishment in one particular area of living, while sometimes neglecting common standards of organization, order or accomplishment in other areas of living.
Projection - The act of attributing one's own feelings or traits to another person and imagining or believing that the other person has those same feelings or traits.
Sabotage - The spontaneous disruption of calm or status quo in order to serve a personal interest, provoke a conflict or draw attention.
Selective Competence - The practice of demonstrating different levels of intelligence or ability depending on the situation or environment.
Self-Loathing - An extreme hatred of one's own self, actions or one's ethnic or demographic background.
Self-Victimization - Self-Victimization or "playing the victim" is the act of casting oneself as a victim in order to control others by soliciting a sympathetic response from them or diverting their attention away from abusive behavior.
Stalking - Any pervasive and unwelcome pattern of pursuing contact with another individual.
Testing - Repeatedly forcing another individual to demonstrate or prove their love or commitment to a relationship.

 

[Mitre]

Dependent Personality Disorder DPD and Preventing Abuse

The solution to being helpless in a frightening world is to find capable people who will be nurturing and supportive toward those with DPD. Within protective relationships, individuals with DPD will be self-effacing, obsequious, agreeable, docile, and ingratiating. They will deny their individuality and subordinate their desires to significant others. They internalize the beliefs and values of significant others. They imagine themselves to be one with or a part of more powerful and supporting others. By seeing themselves as protected by the power of others, they do not have to feel the anxiety attached to their own helplessness and impotence. Because of being incapable of taking care of themselves, people with DPD will remain in unpleasant situations rather than live alone. Often they will find themselves trapped in emotionally and physically abusive relationships, because of the fear of being alone. They will even tolerate infidelity of their spouse, because they feel that if they will protest then their spouse will leave them.

A common factor for both DPD and Borderline Personality Disorder is the fear of abandonment.
-Individuals with BPD will respond to abandonment with feelings of emotional emptiness and rage. They will increase their demands on significant others.
-Individuals with DPD will react with increasing appeasement and submissiveness.

Personality traits which are common in the partners of abusers:
1. Intense need for love and affection.
2. Low self esteem. (Belief they can’t/don’t deserve better treatment.)
3. Drug or Alcohol Dependence.
4. A background involving physical, emotional or sexual abuse.
5. Adult Children of alcoholics / addicts.
6. Codependent personality disorder and / or Love addiction.
7. Enforced isolation creating resentment.
8. Strong need for a relationship to validate them.
9. Gain a sense of worth by care taking the abuser.
10. Inability to set and enforce interpersonal boundaries.
11. Difficulty expressing anger, tendency to internalize it, act it out in other ways.
12. Loyalty to the abuser takes precedence over emotional or physical safety.
13. Belief that “it will change if I just try harder.”
14. Repeated attempts to leave the relationship.
15. Inability to follow through with leaving – return to the abuser again and again.
16. Clinical depression, self – medication.
17. Suicidal ideation or attempts.

How to Help the Sufferer
1.Set small, achievable tasks that they can manage without troubles.
2.When they've completed them all alone, praise them and increase the difficulty of the tasks and decision-making involved gradually.
3.Talk to them about things they enjoy doing. Whenever they are about to be left alone, suggest that they become involved in an activity for the duration of the other person's absence.
4.Help them to learn to trust themselves more. Offer them books on improving self-confidence, book them into a course on improving self-confidence, and spend time telling them what you have noticed they're really good at doing.
5.Get them exercising, eating balanced meals, and reducing their stress. If they're addicted to any substance, this will need to be treated.
6.Be alert to the possibility of abuse being perpetrated on the sufferer. Their neediness makes them extremely vulnerable to a manipulative or unstable personality.
7.Encourage the sufferer to read as much as possible about the disorder. Having an understanding of their disorder and seeing that they're not alone in the feelings can be an immense relief for them, as well as showing them that there is a way forward.

Short Term Goals for Individuals with Dependent Personality Problems:
-Expose the pattern and style of emotional dependence in relationships.
-Express an improved consciousness of his or her dependency.
-Convey insight into the repeated practice of trying to meet other people's expectations.
-Recognize emotional and social needs.
-Augment attempts to fulfill own needs.
-Account occurrences of verbally stating his or her own opinion.
-Increase saying no to the request of others.
-Express a reduced sensitivity to other's criticism.
-Account different examples of permitting others to do things for him or her and to receive without giving.
-Express a greater sense than before of self-responsibility while lessening sense of responsibility for others.
-Express an increased consciousness of boundaries and when they are dishonored.
-Verbally clarify boundaries with others.
-Increase the occurrence of making decisions within a sensible time, with assurance, and self-confidence.
-Make a list stating positive things about self.
-Recognize incorrect habitual thoughts linked with assertiveness, being alone, or keeping personal dependability boundaries.
-Express constructive, reality-based self-talk that must substitute distorted cognitive messages.
-Develop a plan to stop the relationship with abusive partner and apply the plan with the guidance of a therapist.

Long Term Goals for Individuals with Dependent Personality Problems:
-Build up self-confidence so that he or she is able to meet his or her own needs and capable of enduring the feeling of being alone.
-Attain a sense of balance between a healthy structure of independence and a healthy structure of dependence.
-Reduce dependence on relationships while starting to meet his or her own needs, increase confidence, and implement assertiveness.
-Create firm individual self-boundaries and enhanced sense of worth.
-Permanently end any involvement from all abusive relationship.
-Liberate self from emotional and or economic dependence on others.

 

[Mitre]

New Topic Healthy vs. Abusive Relationships

Here’s What Healthy and Abusive Relationships Look Like
Sometimes abusive relationships are easy to identify; other times the abuse may take subtle forms. The examples shown here can help you identify traits of abusive and healthy relationships. In general, abusive relationships have a serious power imbalance, with the abuser controlling or attempting to control most aspects of life. Healthy relationships share responsibility and decision-making tasks and reflect respect for all the people in the relationship, including children.

Healthy Relationships:

Non-Threatening Behavior
Talking and acting so that your partner feels safe and comfortable doing and saying things.
Respect
Listening to your partner non-judgmentally.
Being emotionally affirming and understanding.
Valuing opinions.

Trust and Support
Supporting your partner’s goals in life.
Respecting your partner’s right to his or her own feelings, friends, activities and opinions.

Honesty and Accountability
Accepting responsibility for self.
Acknowledging past use of violence and / or emotionally abusive behavior, changing the behavior.
Acknowledging infidelity, changing the behavior.
Admitting being wrong when it is appropriate.
Communicating openly and truthfully, acknowledging past abuse, seeking help for abusive relationship patterns.

Responsible Parenting
Sharing parental responsibilities.
Being a positive, non-violent role model for children.

Shared Responsibility
Mutually agreeing on a fair distribution of work.
Making family decisions together.

Abusive Relationships:

Using Intimidation
Making your partner afraid by using looks, actions, gestures.
Smashing or destroying things.
Destroying or confiscating your partner’s property.
Abusing pets as a display of power and control.
Silent or overt raging.
Displaying weapons or threatening their use.
Making physical threats.

Using Emotional Abuse
Putting your partner down.
Making your partner feel bad about himself or herself.
Calling your partner names.
Playing mind games. I.e. Gas lighting
Interrogating your partner.
Harassing or intimidating your partner.
“Checking up on” your partner’s activities or whereabouts.
Humiliating your partner, weather through direct attacks or “jokes”.
Making your partner feel guilty.
Shaming your partner.

Using Isolation
Controlling what your partner does, who he or she sees and talks to, what he or she reads, where he or she goes.
Limiting your partner’s outside involvement.
Demanding your partner remain home when you are not with them.
Cutting your partner off from prior friends, activities, and social interaction.
Using jealousy to justify your actions.
(Jealousy is the primary symptom of abusive relationships; it is also a core component of Love Addiction.)

Minimizing, Denying and Blame Shifting
Making light of the abuse and not taking your partner’s concerns about it seriously.
Saying the abuse did not happen, or wasn’t that bad.
Shifting responsibility for your abusive behavior to your partner. (i.e: I did it because you)
Saying your partner caused it.

Using Children
Making your partner feel guilty about the children.
Using the children to relay messages.
Using visitation to harass your partner.
Threatening to take the children away.

Using Male Privilege
Treating your partner like a servant.
Making all the big decisions.
Acting like the “master of the castle.”
Being the one to define men’s and women’s or the relationship’s roles.

Using Economic Abuse
Preventing your partner from getting or keeping a job.
Making your partner ask for money.
Giving your partner an allowance.
Taking your partner’s money.
Not letting your partner know about or have access to family income.

 

[Mitre]

New Topic What is Gaslighting
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r7FBSFRUj6s

Projection and gaslighting are also on the list of common sociopathic techniques. Sociopaths refuse to be held accountable for their behavior and often assign their own behavior to their victims. For example, a sociopath could accuse a victim of stealing when it is the sociopath himself that steals. Gaslighting is a common practice of abusers who attempt to convince their victims they are defective for any reason such as making the victim more emotional, more needy or dependent. For example, if an abusive person says hurtful things and tries to convince you that you are mentally unstable and starts recommending that you get professional help, you might be in the presence of a gaslilghter.

Gas lighting is a form of mental abuse in which false information is presented with the intent of making a victim doubt his or her own memory, perception and sanity. The term describes the psychological abuse that attempts to destroy the victims' trust in their perceptions of reality. People who distrust their perceptions are easier to manipulate and control.

Movie Gaslight
The term "gaslighting" comes from the 1938 British play "Gas Light" n the movie Gaslight, Gregory sets out to convince his wife Paula that she is insane. He secretly removes items from their home and tells her she did it. He isolates her from others. He uses her growing distress to "prove" she is unstable. When she notices the gas lights in their home dim and flicker, he assures her she is imagining things.

Gaslighting makes it very likely that victims will believe whatever their abusers tell them regardless as to their own experience of the situation.
You’re so sensitive. You’re so emotional. You’re defensive. You’re overreacting. Calm down. Relax. Stop freaking out! You’re crazy! I was just joking, don’t you have a sense of humor? You’re so dramatic. Just get over it already!
Sound familiar?

Gaslighting Techniques
"Withholding" is a gaslighting technique where the abuser feigns a lack of understanding, refuses to listen and declines sharing his emotions.
"I'm not listening to that crap again tonight."
"You're just trying to confuse me."

Another gaslighting technique is "countering," where an abuser will vehemently call into question a victim's memory in spite of the victim having remembered things correctly.
"Think about when you didn't remember things correctly last time."
"You thought that last time and you were wrong."
These techniques throw the victim off the intended subject matter and make them question their own motivations and perceptions rather than the issue at hand.

It is then that the abuser will start to question the experiences, thoughts and opinions more globally through statements said in anger like:
"You see everything in the most negative way."
"Well you obviously never believed in me then."
"You have an overactive imagination."

"Blocking" and "diverting" are gaslighting techniques whereby the abuser again changes the conversation from the subject matter to questioning the victim's thoughts and controlling the conversation.
"I'm not going through that again."
"Where did you get a crazy idea like that?"
"Quit *****ing."
"You're hurting me on purpose."

"Trivializing" is another way of gaslighting. It involves making the victim believe his or her thoughts or needs aren't important, such as:
"You're going to let something like that come between us?"

Abusive "forgetting" and "denial" can also be forms of gaslighting. In this technique, the abuser pretends to forget things that have really occurred; the abuser may also deny things like promises that have been made that are important to the victim. An abuser might say,
"What are you talking about?"
"I don't have to take this."
"You're making that up."
Some gaslighters will then mock the victim for their "wrongdoings" and "misperceptions."

Everyday gaslighting
Gaslighting occurs in more subtle ways as well, any time someone responds as if your reality does not exist.
An adult says to a crying child, "There's no reason to be sad. Give us a nice smile."
A partner says, "That's too hard for you. I'll do it."
A friend snaps, "I'm not angry! Why are you starting a fight?"
A narcissist reacts with so much contempt when you assert any needs that you feel like the selfish one.
After being called on a racist or sexist comment, the speaker says, "Just kidding!" or "You're too sensitive!" or "You're looking for reasons to be offended."

Abuse-related gaslighting
Not every instance of gaslighting is as blatant as hiding items or directly denying someone's perceptions. Most abuse includes an element of gaslighting. Abusers rarely say out loud, "I'm choosing to abuse you." A physically abusive spouse says,
"I'm doing this for your own good. You shouldn't provoke me." In truth, victims do not cause abuse.
A sexually abusive parent says,
"This isn't happening. I love you. You like it. It doesn't hurt." In truth, abuse is not loving behavior.

Signs of gaslighting
Confusion. You feel confused and off-balance when you interact with someone. You receive puzzling responses to ordinary actions, and your reactions are labeled wrong or unreasonable.
Fears about mental stability. You worry that you are going crazy. Someone repeatedly expresses concern that you'll have a nervous breakdown.
Conflict about memory. You hear, "I never said that," when you clearly remember hearing it. You frequently hear, "You're imagining things," or "You remember that wrong." Memory differences can be expressed respectfully by saying, "I don't remember saying that," or "I don't remember it that way."
Emotional vertigo. You have a sense of dizziness The facts do not add up, but you see that as a flaw in yourself rather than in the situation. This can lead to obsessive thoughts as you try to figure it out.
]Distrust of your perceptions. You ask others to confirm what you notice. When someone disagrees with you, you immediately assume you were wrong.

Solutions
When you notice any of these signs, allow compassion for yourself and
Keep a recordIf you have enough privacy, it can bring relief to record your thoughts, feelings, and sensations. Your journal can receive your conflicting impressions without the need for certainty. If someone questions your memory, you can look back at your notes. If items mysteriously appear and disappear, you can take strategic photographs of problem areas.
Listen withinTo rebuild self-trust and repair your reality, tune in to your internal signals with interested curiosity.
Say Hello to your feelings
"Something in me feels anxious, and I say hello to that."
"My belly feels tight, and I say hello to that."
"I don't know what I feel, and I say hello to that."
If you feel judgmental of what you notice, you can turn your listening attention toward judgment.
"Something in me hates that I feel anxious, and I say hello to that."
"Something in me wants my belly to relax, and I say hello to that."
"Something in me says I should know what I feel, and I say hello to that."
As you listen inside, your vague sensations will become more clear. As parts of you feel fully heard, they will shift and heal. As you practice listening, you will regain confidence in your perceptions.
Ignore motives
In the movie Gaslight, Gregory's manipulation of his wife is part of a hidden plot to find her aunt's jewels. Sometimes gaslighting helps an abuser maintain a more sympathetic self-image as well as concealing abuse. While it is happening, gaslighting often lacks an apparent motive, which adds to the victim's confusion and self-doubt.You do not have to figure out why someone is gaslighting you. You do not even have to label the behavior as gaslighting. You can simply say hello to your confusion and desire to understand.
Seek out support-It can be tempting to ask others to confirm your perceptions of gas lighting. Unfortunately, others may be unaware of what is happening and do not have your moment by moment observations. Turn your attention toward what is true for you.
-Rebuild self-trust. As you repair your relationship with yourself, the effects of gaslighting will gradually fall away. Over time, your boundaries will heal, and you will naturally say no to emotionally abusive behavior.

 

[Mitre]

New Topic Ways To Spot An Abusive Man
http://lifemadesimple.typepad.com/abusednomore/2007/01/16_ways_to_spot.html

An abusive relationship tends to leave a legacy of shame and fear in its wake. Women feel ashamed that they allowed themselves to suffer in an abusive relationship and -wrongly - take the blame for their partner's bad behaviour. They also feel afraid of getting into another abusive relationship.

The pull of old patterns can be very strong and ,certainly, abused women often do find themselves attracted to another abusive man. This happens because they have not been educated to recognize the tell-tale signs and behaviours of an abusive man. Once you know the surefire ways to spot an abusive man, you will have a much better chance of protecting yourself successfully. What follows are some of the things that people don't tell you - but should - about relationships. Remember, forewarned is forearmed.

1. You may be attracted by his apparent ‘strength’, ‘confidence’, determination, aggressive masculinity – the kind of qualities you know you lack.

2. Or it may be his vulnerability that appeals. You might find yourself saying: “he just needs someone to really, really love him (and heal his pain.) Why does it need to be you? Feeling sorry for someone is no basis for a loving, equal relationship.

(Your focus has shifted from you, your wants and your needs, to his. He has replaced you as the centre of your universe.)

3. He really, really wants to hear about all the problems you’re having at the beginning of the relationship. He may even have the same problems himself. (Be very wary, he may be doing one of two things: he may be learning all about your Achilles’ heel and the best buttons to push in the future to humiliate and control you; or he may be encouraging you to feel that at least he understands what you’re going through.

4. He expects a big return on his investment. He may seem happy to put your needs and wishes first for a little while, but it won’t be long before he starts saying: “Look at everything I do for you. You should be doing X, Y and Z for me.”

5. The relationship moves forward very fast. (Abusive men woo as fast as they can. They know that they can’t sustain consistent good behaviour for very long. Good behaviour doesn’t give them the pay offs they want. For more on that see The Circle of Violence)

6. He talks at length, and interestingly about himself. You share a common interest – him.

7. The women who he’s had relationships with in the past didn’t understand him and let him down or behaved badly. (Be afraid.) If at all possible, you want to meet these women and hear their point of view. If he can badmouth them, can you be sure you won’t be next?

8. His relationship with his family has broken down. They may have let him down too.

9. There are areas of his life that he’s not telling you about. (Rest assured, there is a good reason for that.)

10. He’s got a history of alcohol and/or drug abuse, and possibly violence.

11. When you first meet him, there’s something about him that you don’t like. (You can do it the hard way, or the easy way. Choose not to trust your intuition and you’ll probably pay for it. Big time. Your intuition is there to keep you safe.)

12. He’s all sweetness and light with you, but he shows quite different behaviours with other people. (Rest assured that, with time, you’ll become ‘other people’.)

13. There are odd ‘blips’ when his behaviour leaves you feeling that you’re dealing with someone you don’t even know. (The ‘good’ behaviours that you like are his best – or courting – behaviours. The ‘blips’ are an indication of his real self and what the future will hold; increasingly.)

14. He can always find reasons for not spending time with your friends and family. He may try to discourage you from spending time with them also. The more he can isolate you, the more power he will have over you.

15. He’s not happy to accept you the way you are. (Maybe it’s because he can see all your ‘potential’ better than you can. Maybe it’s because, with his input, you could present yourself so much better to the world; in his eyes anyway.)

16. He’ll remind you regularly what a wonderful guy he is and how lucky you are to have him. (Although he might also admit that he’s a loser when he’s feeling low, or else to get you back on side.)

17.“But why does he do things that make me unhappy?”
HAPPY people feel more empowered, and less isolated and dependent than unhappy people. The abusive man is looking for someone who will serve him 24-7 in various departments of his life: the bedroom, the kitchen... But more than that, the abusive man is someone who will carry a heavy load of loathing - his loathing both for himself and for other people. He is looking for someone he can dump that load on, forever after. What he needs is for you to carry that heavy load on your back, forever. He needs you to be bent double, carrying that weight for him, so that he can stand up straight, and feel free of it.
Abusers are different. Abusers start from the premise that there is, always has been, and always will be, a heavy load to carry. Therefore they need someone to carry it for them. That person is you..That’s why they can’t bear it when you feel happy, when you enjoy good times with friends, family or children, when you have plans for your own life.
You’ve put their load down!
They can’t tolerate that.
You’re not allowed to do that.
It's not part of your job description; as far as they are concerned.
You are their emotional slave, after all.
Spoiling the moment, and treating you badly is their way of putting the load straight back on your shoulders.
That’s all that matters to them.
When you are bent double under their load of negative feelings that is – quite literally – a huge weight off their shoulders. That’s why they don’t want you to be happy; or, more precisely, can’t bear it when you are happy for more than about a nanosecond.

 

[Mitre]

New Topic Love Addictions
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0062506048/drirensgetwithth

What is it
Love addiction consist of desperate hopes and seemingly unending fears. The love addict fears rejection, pain and unfamiliar experiences. Love addicts spend more energy manipulating the environment in order to get others to give them what they need than they do in noticing and meeting their own needs. Trying to control events and other people drives them. Unfortunately, an obsession with things outside the self does little in meeting one's own needs. It does however provide a distraction from dealing with the inner self. In love addiction you see what you want to believe and you don’t deal with What Is. You allow yourself to stay in abusive or unhealthy relationships, always believing the other person is finally going to change and keep their promises. Love addiction is more than just an emotional need that isn't met, there is a potential for serious injury and even death because of this behavior. When a person continues in a relationship that is abusive, either physically or mentally, there is a very real danger.

Characteristics of love addiction from the book, Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood: http://www.amazon.com/Women-Who-Love-Too-Much/dp/1416550216
1. Typically, we come from a dysfunctional home in which our emotional needs were not met.
2. Having received little real nurturing ourselves, we try to fill this unmet need vicariously by becoming a caregiver, especially to people who appear in some way needy.
3. Because we were never able to change our parent(s) into the warm, loving caretaker(s) we longed for, we respond deeply to the familiar type of emotionally unavailable people whom we can again try to change, through our love.
4. Terrified of abandonment, we will do anything to keep relationships from dissolving.
5. Almost nothing is too much trouble, takes too much time, or is too expensive if it will “help” the people we are involved with.
6. Accustomed to lack of love in personal relationships, we are willing to wait, hope, and try harder to please.
7. We are willing to take far more than 50 percent of the responsibility, guilt and blame in any relationship.
8. Our self-esteem is critically low, and deep inside we do not believe we deserve to be happy. Rather, we believe we must earn the right to enjoy life.
9. We have a desperate need to control people and our relationships, having experienced little security in childhood. We mask our efforts to control people and situations as “being helpful.”
10. In a relationship, we are much more in touch with our dream of how it could be than the reality of our situation.
11. We are addicted to people and emotional pain.
12. We may be predisposed emotionally and often biochemically to becoming addicted to drugs, alcohol, and/or certain foods, particularly sugary ones.
13. By being drawn to people with problems that need fixing, or by being enmeshed in situations that are chaotic, uncertain, and emotionally painful, we avoid focusing on our responsibility to ourselves.
14. We may have a tendency toward episodes of depression, which we try to forestall through the excitement provided by an unstable relationship.
15. We are not attracted to people who are kind, stable, reliable and interested in us. We find such “nice” people boring.

What cause it
1.The causes of love addiction are typically rooted in early life experiences. The most prominent factors that contribute to love addiction are childhood neglect or abandonment, rejection, and physical, emotional or sexual abuse. As a result of insecure attachments in childhood, love addicts may lack confidence and a sense of self. In adolescence or adulthood, they may feel insecure in their bonds with other people and struggle to establish appropriate boundaries. The pursuit of the perfect love may allow the individual to escape into fantasy rather than tolerate a painful reality.
2.Physiological changes may also contribute to love addiction. Levels of phenylethylamine (PEA)—a chemical in the brain involved in the euphoria that comes with falling in love—rise with feelings of infatuation, boosting euphoria and excitement. Love addicts may become dependent upon the physical and psychological arousal triggered by PEA and other brain chemicals.

Why can't we let go?
When a relationship ends, not only do you have to struggle with the person's absence, from your life, there is a concomitant chemical withdrawal. There are many reasons a person might have difficulty letting go of an ex, this may be a need for control or predictability, fear of the unknown, basing one's self-esteem on how others view them and substituting drama for closeness. Some people experience actual withdrawal symptoms when a relationship ends, yearning for the high or rush associated with the love interest. According to Psychology Today, "Levels of phenylethylamine (PEA) -- a chemical in the brain involved in the euphoria that comes with falling in love -- rise with feelings of infatuation, boosting euphoria and excitement. Love and sex addicts may simply be dependent upon (this) physical and psychological arousal triggered by PEA …" and other factors.

Types of Abusive Love Addicts
TYPICAL LOVE ADDICT
Time and again they become preoccupied and obsessed with attaining or keeping the perfect person, "Soul mate", "Superman" or "Wonder Woman" who will make their lives meaningful; and give them unconditional love/positive regard they are so desperate for. In their obsession, fantasy and denial they quickly fall into and become infatuated in relationships. Essentially their identity is formed only through their relationship with their partner. Because of impaired boundaries- they are in constant pursuit to merge with their partner; therefore, they become clingy and smother their partners. They take all focus off the themselves (escaping) while throwing themselves into their partners life. They try to earn love and attention that will guarantee they will not be left, abandoned, and alone. one of their greatest fears.

AVOIDANT LOVE ADDICT
The Avoidant Love Addict type is the partner Typical Love Addicts. They become dependent on their partners neediness and are only attracted to people who they can control. They rely on feeling empowered from a person who looks up to them, worships them, puts them up on a pedestal, which provides a kind of narcissistic supply. Traits of narcissism being wanted, needed, and worshiped is their drug. It is why they are attracted to love addict partners in relationships. The sense of having control in relationships is very important- and control feeds their grandiosity and sense of being entitled. Feeling power, and therefore, control over their needy love addict partner- provides them a source of self-worth and meaning in their own lives. Moreover, it keeps them from potential intimately connecting and being vulnerable in relationships, which is often one of their greatest fears.

ABUSIVE LOVE ADDICT
The Abusive Love Addict is an individual who, in relationships, employs both emotional and physical abuse, violence and intimidation. Abusive Love Addicts virtually always attract ''Typical Love Addicts'' willing to tolerate callous and spiteful acts against them. They exhibit the same elements of the emotionally ''Avoidant Love Addict''- but with the added element of becoming abusive. Their goal is to keep their partner in prison, emotionally and physically. They feel empowered and secured when they control their partner.

BATTERED LOVE ADDICT
Battered Love Addicts are love addict types who routinely tolerate and stay in relationships with ''Abusive Love Addict'' partners. Woman and men who fall into abusive relationships are virtually always dependent at some level to their partner despite the harm they receive. Battered Love Addicts are much more often than not, females; however, there are a small percentage of males are of this type as well.

Potential Solutions
Admit you are addicted and need help,
Pull away from the source of addiction and make structured plans regarding how you’ll reclaim yourself.These plans can be:
Belief-system healing sessions
Counselling and group empowerment sessions,
Investing in a self-healing program designed to overcome co-dependency
Reading the right books.
The purpose is to work toward:
Claiming your Self,
Developing your power, interests and personal mission,
Processing and healing the emotional issues that led you into painful, abusive and addictive relationships,
The development of healthy belief systems, healthy boundary function and healthy self-esteem to eliminate the need to attract or sustain a painful, abusive or addictive relationship.

Another solution is to put yourself closer to where you want to be and do it without the partner you are waiting for. If you want a prettier home, dress your house up. If you want a better social life, start socializing. If you want to live in New York, move. Half the battle in taking care of yourself is figuring out what you want. The other half is engaging in the process that will eventually get you there. As you get to know yourself better and begin to take action, you invest more energy in yourself and less energy in manipulating others. You are learning to control yourself, the only person you have any real control over. You empower yourself to meet more of your needs and, as you do, your contentment increases.


Develop peace and integrity
Learn healthy relationships skills
Focus on your own desires, goals and challenges
Change beliefs that make you feel unworthy of happiness
End victim games: avoid being a helper, a victimizer or a victim

 

[Mitre]

New Topic Narcissistic Personality Disorder
http://npdrecovery.blogspot.com/2013/06/cheat-sheet-for-dealing-with.html

7 Sins of a Narcissist
1.Shamelessness Shame is the feeling that lurks beneath all unhealthy narcissism, and the inability to process shame in healthy ways.
2.Magical thinking Narcissists see themselves as perfect using distortion and illusion known as magical thinking. They also use projection to dump shame onto others.
3.Arrogance If a narcissist is feeling deflated, s/he can reinflate him/herself by diminishing, debasing or degrading somebody else.
4.Envy If the narcissists need to secure a sense of superiority meets an obstacle because of somebody else, s/he neutralises it using contempt to minimise the other persons ability
5.Entitlement Narcissists hold unreasonable expectations of particularly favorable treatment and automatic compliance because they consider themselves uniquely special. Any failure to comply will be considered an attack on their superiority and the perpetrator is considered to be an awkward or difficult person. Defiance of their will is a narcissistic injury that can trigger narcissistic rage.
6.Exploitation can take many forms but always involves the using of others without regards for their feelings or interests. Often the other is in a subservient position where resistance would be difficult or even impossible. Sometimes the subservience is not so much real as assumed.
7.Bad Boundaries narcissists do not recognize that they have boundaries and that others are separate and are not extensions of themselves. Others either exist to meet their needs or may as well not exist at all. Those who provide narcissistic supply to the narcissist will be treated as if they are part of the narcissist and be expected to live up to those expectations. In the mind of a narcissist, there is no boundary between self and other.

Narcissistic personality disorder is a mental disorder in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance and a deep need for admiration. Those with narcissistic personality disorder believe that they're superior to others and have little regard for other people's feelings. But behind this mask of ultra-confidence lies a fragile self-esteem, vulnerable to the slightest criticism. Narcissistic personality disorder is one of several types of personality disorders. Personality disorders are conditions in which people have traits that cause them to feel and behave in socially distressing ways, limiting their ability to function in relationships and in other areas of their life, such as work or school.

Diagnostic Criteria
AN individual must display five or more of the following characteristics to be diagnose as a narcissist :
1.Is grandiose in evaluation of self without demonstrating superior achievements
2.Concentrates on fantasies of great success, influence, intelligence, beauty or perfect love
3.Believes in own "specialness" and expects to associate with high prestige people or institutions
4.Demands to be overly admired
5.Feels entitled to special treatment and to have demands acceded to
6.Exploits others to achieve own ends
7.Lacks empathy for others
8.Frequently envious of others or assumes others are envious of him or her
9.Is arrogant in attitudes and behavior

Under "Associated features supporting the diagnosis", DSM-5 notes that individuals with this diagnosis are extremely sensitive to criticism or failure, which "may haunt these individuals and may leave them feeling humiliated, degraded, hollow, and empty" and can result in social withdrawal, dysthymia or major depressive disorder. Episodes of grandiosity may lead to a hypomania. This personality disorder is associated with anorexia nervosa, substance abuse (especially cocaine) as well as histrionic personality disorder, borderline personality disorder, antisocial personality disorder and/or paranoid personality disorder.

Solution: Cheat Sheet for dealing with a Narcissistic person
1.Educate yourself, so you can tell a Narcissist beforehand and avoid him or her.
2.Make yourself Narcissist-proof by understanding true self-esteem. I think the best way to describe true self esteem is as profound belief that EVERY living being has intrinsic value as a unique expression of the creative power, and every one of us is to be treated with respect, no matter what is our status or appearances. Their egos thrive on completion-driven drama, and if you are over those games, than they will not find anything to draw you in.
3. DO NOT ignore or excuse warning signs. IF you notice something that doesn't feel or sound right - take time to honestly evaluate it. It will save you lots of grief and time. If you see the person treating a waiter or a sub-ordinate condescendingly, if you see them kicking their pet or telling insensitive jokes - take notice.
4.Once you have seen the "red flags" make every effort to distance yourself, do not engage into any kind of meaningful contact, even if you must interact socially, and, if you have already entered the relationship, exit as soon as possible. In most cases, there is no point in confronting the Narcissist with "the truth", as it will only lead to more engagement, confusion and emotional entanglements. Just chalk it up to be "lesson learned" an move on as quickly and efficiently as possible.
5.When complete severance of relationship is not possible:
"Be firm on your rights and boundaries, establish clear rules for what you will and will not tolerate and NEVER waiver on those."
6.Document every undesirable conduct and inform future sources of support as soon as possible. Now, I know this may sound daunting, but this also is very important in cases of domestic, workplace, or pretty much any other abuse. Even if you feel assaulted and, as a consequence, very confused and traumatized emotionally (something that many abusers count on) - please make an effort of taking the incident very seriously in terms of documenting its occurrence and making it known to appropriate authorities.
7. IF possible, avoid berating and emotionally pressuring the Narcissist, as, by the nature of the disorder, it is more likely to lead to long rage-filled and denial-based tirades than to any real progress. Instead, if possible, try and express some understanding and a little bit of compassion towards them, while at the same time re-affirming your boundaries. For example, you may say something like "I understand the difficulties you are having, but I must repeat that this behavior is unacceptable to me, no matter what brought it on."

 

[Mitre]

New Topic: What is Shame
http://www.amazon.com/Healing-Shame-Binds-Recovery-Classics/dp/0757303234
http://www.creativegrowth.com/bradshaw_shame.pdf

Shame is often experienced as the inner, critical voice that judges whatever we do as wrong, inferior, or worthless. Often this inner critical voice is repeating what was said to us by our parents, relatives, teachers and peers. We may have been told that we were naughty, selfish, ugly, stupid, etc. We may have been ostracized by peers at school, humiliated by teachers, treated with contempt by our parents. Paradoxically, shame may be caused by others expecting too much of us, evoking criticism when our performance is less than perfect. Some authority figures are never satisfied with one's efforts or performance, they are critical no matter what. Unfortunately, these criticisms become internalized, so that it is our own inner critical voice that is meting out the shaming messages, such as: "You idiot, why did you do that?," "Can't you do anything right?,"or " You should be ashamed of yourself," etc.

One source of shame is associated with the expression of certain emotions. In many families, as well as in many cultures, expression of such feelings as anger, fear, sadness or vulnerability, may be met with shaming reproaches, such as "Pull yourself together," "Don't be a baby," "Stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about," or "You don't have anything to be afraid of." Pride is also a feeling that is often met with shameful condemnations, such as "Who do you think you are, Mr. Bigshot?," or "You're getting too big for your britches." Often these shaming admonitions are internalized, so that when we get in touch with any of these "shameful feelings" we will automatically feel shame, and try to control or hide the feelings, or, at the very least, to apologize profusely for them.

Clearly these shaming inner voices can do considerable damage to our self esteem. These self criticisms, that we are stupid, selfish, a show-off, etc., become, in varying degrees, how we see ourselves. For some of us, the inner critical judge is continuously providing a negative evaluation of what we are doing, moment-by-moment. As mentioned before, the inner critic may make it impossible for one to do anything right, telling you that you are too aggressive, or not aggressive enough, that you're too selfish, or that you let people walk all over you

WHAT HAPPENS TO PEOPLE WHO ARE SHAMED?
People who are shamed have to live in the same world as all the rest of us but they have to live in it with the deep-down conviction that they are worthless. The amount of continuous pressure a deeply shamed person feels is immense.When they are doing well, they think it's only a matter of time before they are discovered as useless. When they make mistakes, they expect a terrifying degree of anger from the people they disappoint. Every act is a "test" and they are convinced that it's only a matter of time before they fail completely.


LIVING IN SHAME AND LIVING "AS IF" YOU ARE O.K.
Some people who are convinced they are worthless live out their lives to prove that they are worthless! The most severe alcoholics, drug addicts, and impulsive criminals are good examples. Like all of us, they have a deep need to be known and to be seen and to be recognized "for who I really am." But since they actually believe they are worthless,they have a strong need to prove their worthlessness to everyone in their lives. They don't hurt their families and friends because they don't love them or because they want to hurt them.They hurt their families and friends out of this need to be "known" and out of the wrong belief that they are worthless. Most people who are convinced they are worthless live out their lives trying to prove they DO have worth. These are the people who are constantly worried about what you think of them and who constantly think that you are judging them. When you tell them they did a good job they feel good for a few minutes,but they soon feel worthless again(and think that you wouldn't like them if you "really" knew them). If you tell them they did a poor job they will either feel a strong urge to cry or they will show an immense amount of anger at you for saying such a "horrible" thing!They don't understand you are only commenting on the last thing they did.They think you are commenting on them, and on their worthlessness as human beings.

WHAT HELPS?
People who've been deeply shamed need to be fully loved and accepted and valued! Some people find a lover who deeply accepts, loves, and values them. Others find a group of friends who deeply accept, love, and value them. Most people need a therapist along the way who shows them their value, and who, perhaps more importantly,helps them to stop all the repetitious self-talk about their lack of worth.Every person who is overcoming shame will need to have many sources of love and acceptance.One lover or friend or therapist is never enough. The more totally they can trust these new sources of love in their life the more deeply they will accept the love they need. (The love of less trustable people is also valuable, of course just not nearly as valuable.) Overcoming shame takes a long time.But it is well worth it for the moment when the deeply shamed person finally says with unmistakable surprise and amazement in their voice:"You know, I really am a good person!"

Solution: To overcome shame,
You need to learn that it's OK to be who you are! To get there, you must have and absorb deeply many separate moments of being accepted, loved, or valued.

ABOUT THE PEOPLE WHO ARE CLOSEST TO YOU
Stop relying on anyone who treats you as if you are not OK. Spend more and more of your time with the people who know you are OK the way you are. And let them know more and more about you.Choose your relationships based on how you are treated not just on whether the other person feels" comfortable." We are "comfortable" with what we are used to even when it's bad for us! Treat people the way you want to be treated.
It's contagious.

WHEN PEOPLE TREAT YOU POORLY
Tell them to stop it! If they keep it up, don't tell them over and over. This is like "begging." It makes you feel weak in their presence. You need to feel strong when you have to be around such people! Expect people who treat you badly to keep it up and hold them responsible for how they treat you.Hold yourself responsible for how much time you spend with them,how you respond to their mistreatment,and whether you take their opinions seriously. When people imply that you aren't valuable, they are wrong. You must learn how to throw away such comments immediately. (You know how angry you get when you are treated this way. This anger is your guide. It tells you that this person's opinion of you is worthless and can be thrown away without question.) Know that only a few people are likely to treat you poorly. The rest of us are ready to treat you well! (If you catch yourself thinking otherwise, at least remind yourself that I am positive you are wrong!)

WHEN PEOPLE TREAT YOU WELL
Let your appreciation show. (Your natural smile will do just fine!)Showing your appreciation reinforces the other person and encourages them to stay around you longer.Don't talk yourself out of it! Most compliments are honest. Even when someone is trying to manipulate you they say things they mean! Turn down the manipulation but accept the compliment! For example: "Thanks for noticing how attractive I am, but I still don't want to give you my phone number."and,"Thanks for noticing I have good taste in cars, but I still won't pay what you are asking for this one."


The most important factor in overcoming shame is how you treat yourself when you get home! When you've been treated poorly how do you treat yourself afterwards?
The Unhealthy Option:
Focus on yourself and wonder if they were right about the bad things they said! "Maybe they are right and I am a jerk!" "Maybe I am stupid!"

The Healthy Option:
Focus on your anger at the mistreatment" What a jerk he was!" "What's wrong with someone like that!?" "Who asked for her opinion?!" When you've been treated wellhow do you treat yourself afterwards? Do you relax and think about the good things?Do you mentally recycle the best parts? Do you notice how much you agree about your good qualities? Do you take the time to ENJOY feeling good?

 

[Mitre]

New Topic: Emotional Abusers
http://www.heartless-*****es.com/rants/manipulator/emotional_abuse.shtml To read Full article click link

Emotional abuse becomes a vicious circle that chips away at your self-confidence, making it harder and harder to leave. If you are in a relationship where you have a sick sense that SOMETHING is wrong, but somehow it's always YOUR fault, and you find yourself always trying to "fix" things,

Signs and Symptoms of Emotional Abuse
1.To outsiders, abusers often appear as decent, successful, sensitive, calm and nondescript. To their families, they are often controlling, self-absorbed, hypercritical, compulsive, childish and mean-spirited. Most of abusers are actually BOTH.

2.An emotional abuser may make fun of his partner, or make subtle or not-so-subtle disparaging remarks about her while with other friends, and encourage the friends to make disparaging remarks.

3.An Emotional abuser will try to make his partner responsible for his happiness. The problem is, no matter what she does, it will never be enough, and it won't ultimately make him happy.

4.Emotional abusers overcompensate for their self-hate with a warped kind of narcissism. They genuinely believe that YOU SHOULD know how they feel, and know what to do to make them happy.

5.Emotional abusers will remind you of your flaws under the guise of trying to be "helpful" or sensitive. He may make comments like, "You seem unhappy with your body" - even though you have made no comments about your body image or otherwise, or "You are running late again - you never can get anywhere on time", or "There doesn't seem to be much point in planning things with you." All are comments intended to unbalance and remind you of what he perceives to be your weaknesses.

6.They will try to isolate you from family and friends. There are several tactics that may be employed. If he can't manipulate your friends, he will either find reasons to denigrate them or will be "uninterested" in doing things with you AND your friends.

7.Emotional abusers expect more from their partners than they are willing to put into a relationship. The problem is, no matter how much the partner gives, it will never be enough, and the abuser will expect more - because the relationship isn't about love for the abuser, it's about control.

8.The more independent a partner becomes, the more abusive the abuser will be, because he sees he is losing control of his partner.

9.Emotional abusers expect to be forgiven for their "mistakes" (otherwise known as abuse) but are unable to forgive their partners for legitimate mistakes - and will continue to "punish" their partners for those mistakes, long after apologies and restitution have been made.

10.They expect their partners to change for them. Unfortunately, the changes the partner makes will never be enough - the abuser will always want more.

11.Another tactic is to reject activities that she suggests and then do them with other people - letting her know that he is doing them with other people - establishing control and implying that she is not worthy of doing the activities with him, but other people are.

12.An emotional abuser will often use condescension as an effective tool in manipulating and hurting his partner. In expressing his own internal anger, he targets his partner. But because she has done nothing to "deserve" his anger at this point (or any point!), he may be rude, brutally inconsiderate, condescending, patronizing, or even use the "silent treatment" to get her upset or angry. When his partner gets upset, and an argument ensues, he can then express his anger at her, and blame the fact that she "got angry" at him, for the whole argument - even though HE started it. Don't let him convince you that your anger at his disrespect and emotional cruelty, is somehow wrong or abusive to him. That is part of his control and escalating cycle of abuse technique.

13.As part of this "control" technique, HE may "set up" his partner, pushing as many buttons as possible to get the partner to lose control by breaking down in tears or getting angry or yelling. If you raise your voice, he will insist that YOU are the abuser. Don't buy it, and don't believe it. While there might be better ways to handle the situation, (more easily enacted if you weren't emotionally involved with this person), chances are that he has inflicted so much psychological warfare that you have been backed into an emotional corner, and are reacting in self-defense. Emotional reactions in self-defense to an abusive situation do NOT make YOU an "abuser".

14.One of the more subtle but effective ways an abuser can "wind" his partner up is by invalidating/rejecting/showing no compassion for the feelings of his partner - especially in conjunction with a deliberate act of malice that was designed to upset or hurt the partner. He will claim the act was either "accidental" or intended to help the partner. He will try to tell his partner that it is NOT OK to feel angry or hurt or upset by his actions - or that if she DOES feel those things, her "feelings are her own" - that he has no responsibility towards repairing any emotional damage he may have caused.

15.They have huge double standards. What is ok for them, is NOT ok for their partners. I.e. THEY are allowed to get angry - their partners are not.Abusers will blame their partner for "allowing" or encouraging them to be abusive. In as much as a refusal to capitulate can trigger an abusive attack, any sign of "guilty" feelings or weakness in a partner is like blood in the water for sharks, when it comes to abusers. Of course, according to the abuser, it is up to the woman not to provide him with the temptation to abuse, by changing HER behavior.

16.In addition to favors which cause damage, the emotional abuser may do legitimately helpful "favors" for his partner, but again, ones that the partner never asked for. The problem is that the abuser never gives freely or unconditionally. He expects some kind of recompense in return, often without stating what that expectation is. This then gives him another opportunity to feel justified in punishing his partner when she doesn't live up to his unstated expectations of gratitude and reciprocation.

17.Emotional abusers will use the "mind change" tactic to set a partner up in a no-win situation. No matter what the partner does, the abuser will find a way to find fault with it - if the cat craps on his bed and she doesn't clean it up, she is uncaring and selfish. If she DOES clean it up, then she was invading his personal space.

18.Once someone starts to detach from an abuser and refuses to play the games, he may go for the sympathy ploy. If his partner doesn't capitulate and refuses to pander to his emotional blackmail, she will be accused of being cold and heartless, in the hopes that THIS escalation of emotional blackmail will hurt her further.

19.Emotional abusers, like physical abusers, can be exceedingly charming -that's why it's so hard for the victim of abuse - their friends only see the charming side, and don't see the discourtesy, lies, meanness, condescension and rudeness that happens inside the relationship. Because abuse is about power and control, the abuser will often try to become "buddies" or friends with his partner's closest friends. If her female friends are attracted to him at all, he may even try to prey on that, so that if she has a conflict or a problem with him, she doesn't have a close supportive friend to turn to.

20.Emotional abusers often grow OLD without growing UP. They are emotionally stunted and immature. Emotional abusers are self-preoccupied, and demonstrate a passive-aggressive interpersonal style.

21.Emotional abusers deny that they have any problems and/or project their problems onto their partner, often accusing their partners of abuse - especially AFTER the partner has woken up and called the abuser on his behavior. At this point he will be sure to tell as many *mutual* friends as will listen, that she is controlling and abusive to him, in an attempt to further undermine any support she might get.

22.In order to gain sympathy, the abuser will share convincing stories of his burdens.An emotional abuser demonstrates little capacity to appreciate the perspective of another person when his own interests are at stake. An emotional abuser sees himself as a blameless victim, and denies his own provocative behavior, even going so far as to bemoan the fact that a partner left him, or threw him out, "after all the things I did for her"…

23.If you are a victim of emotional abuse, you have to wake up to the fact that this person *does not love you* and probably hasn't loved you for a very long time, if ever. Because the truth of the matter is, someone who can be emotionally cruel, malicious, and compassionless with people who have given him their love and their trust, is so absorbed in self-hate that he is incapable of loving himself, much less anyone else. What the abuser feels is obsession, not love.

24.It is NOT wrong, to want someone to love and care about you. Unfortunately, abusers violate the trust that this kind of relationship requires, and are incapable of true intimacy. They want you to be dependent. People who ARE capable of genuinely loving you in a healthy and safe way, DON'T WANT TO HURT YOU, and do not DELIBERATELY DO THINGS TO HURT YOU. They don't play on your insecurities and they don't wage psychological warfare on you. They don't blame YOU for all the relationship problems, and they don't fabricate problems just so you can be the scapegoat.

25.People who love you will treat you with respect, consideration, courtesy, honesty and compassion.

 

[Mitre]

How to prevent being raped or killed

New Topic THROUGH A RAPIST’S EYES” (PLS TAKE TIME TO READ THIS. it may save a life.) Posted originally by amber girl

Through a rapist’s eyes. A group of rapists and date rapists in prison were interview...ed on what they look for in a potential victim and here are some interesting facts:

1] The first thing men look for in a potential victim is hairstyle. They are most likely to go after a woman with a ponytail, bun! , braid, or other hairstyle that can easily be grabbed. They are also likely to go after a woman with long hair. Women with short hair are not common targets.

2] The second thing men look for is clothing. They will look for women who’s clothing is easy to remove quickly. Many of them carry scissors around to cut clothing.

3] They also look for women using their cell phone, searching through their purse or doing other activities while walking because they are off guard and can be easily overpowered.

4] The number one place women are abducted from / attacked at is grocery store parking lots.

5] Number two is office parking lots/garages.

6] Number three is public restrooms.

7] The thing about these men is that they are looking to grab a woman and quickly move her to a second location where they don’t have to worry about getting caught.

8] If you put up any kind of a fight at all, they get discouraged because it only takes a minute or two for them to realize that going after you isn’t worth it because it will be time-consuming.

9] These men said they would not pick on women who have umbrellas,or other similar objects that can be used from a distance, in their hands.

10] Keys are not a deterrent because you have to get really close to the attacker to use them as a weapon. So, the idea is to convince these guys you’re not worth it.


POINTS THAT WE SHOULD REMEMBER:
1] If someone is following behind you on a street or in a garage or with you in an elevator or stairwell, look them in the face and ask them a question, like what time is it, or make general small talk: can’t believe it is so cold out here, we’re in for a bad winter. Now that you’ve seen their faces and could identify them in a line- up, you lose appeal as a target.

2] If someone is coming toward you, hold out your hands in front of you and yell Stop or Stay back! Most of the rapists this man talked to said they’d leave a woman alone if she yelled or showed that she would not be afraid to fight back. Again, they are looking for an EASY target.

3] If you carry pepper spray (this instructor was a huge advocate of it and carries it with him wherever he goes,) yelling I HAVE PEPPER SPRAY and holding it out will be a deterrent.

4] If someone grabs you, you can’t beat them with strength but you can do it by outsmarting them. If you are grabbed around the waist from behind, pinch the attacker either under the arm between the elbow and armpit or in the upper inner thigh – HARD. One woman in a class this guy taught told him she used the underarm pinch on a guy who was trying to date rape her and was so upset she broke through the skin and tore out muscle strands the guy needed stitches. Try pinching yourself in those places as hard as you can stand it; it really hurts.

5] After the initial hit, always go for the groin. I know from a particularly unfortunate experience that if you slap a guy’s parts it is extremely painful. You might think that you’ll anger the guy and make him want to hurt you more, but the thing these rapists told our instructor is that they want a woman who will not cause him a lot of trouble. Start causing trouble, and he’s out of there.

6] When the guy puts his hands up to you, grab his first two fingers and bend them back as far as possible with as much pressure pushing down on them as possible. The instructor did it to me without using much pressure, and I ended up on my knees and both knuckles cracked audibly.

7] Of course the things we always hear still apply. Always be aware of your surroundings, take someone with you if you can and if you see any odd behavior, don’t dismiss it, go with your instincts. You may feel little silly at the time, but you’d feel much worse if the guy really was trouble.

FINALLY, PLEASE REMEMBER THESE AS WELL ….
1. Tip from Tae Kwon Do: The elbow is the strongest point on your body. If you are close enough to use it, do it.

2. Learned this from a tourist guide to New Orleans : if a robber asks for your wallet and/or purse, DO NOT HAND IT TO HIM. Toss it away from you…. chances are that he is more interested in your wallet and/or purse than you and he will go for the wallet/purse. RUN LIKE MAD IN THE OTHER DIRECTION!

3. If you are ever thrown into the trunk of a car: Kick out the back tail lights and stick your arm out the hole and start waving like crazy. The driver won’t see you but everybody else will. This has saved lives.

4. Women have a tendency to get into their cars after shopping,eating, working, etc., and just sit (doing their checkbook, or making a list, etc. DON’T DO THIS! The predator will be watching you, and this is the perfect opportunity for him to get in on the passenger side,put a gun to your head, and tell you where to go. AS SOON AS YOU CLOSE the DOORS , LEAVE.

5. A few notes about getting into your car in a parking lot, or parking garage:

a. Be aware: look around your car as someone may be hiding at the passenger side , peek into your car, inside the passenger side floor, and in the back seat. ( DO THIS TOO BEFORE RIDING A TAXI CAB) .

b. If you are parked next to a big van, enter your car from the passenger door. Most serial killers attack their victims by pulling them into their vans while the women are attempting to get into their cars.

c. Look at the car parked on the driver’s side of your vehicle, and the passenger side. If a male is sitting alone in the seat nearest your car, you may want to walk back into the mall, or work, and get a guard/policeman to walk you back out. IT IS ALWAYS BETTER TO BE SAFE THAN SORRY. (And better paranoid than dead.)

6. ALWAYS take the elevator instead of the stairs. (Stairwells are horrible places to be alone and the perfect crime spot).

7. If the predator has a gun and you are not under his control, ALWAYS RUN! The predator will only hit you (a running target) 4 in 100 times; And even then, it most likely WILL NOT be a vital organ. RUN!

8. As women, we are always trying to be sympathetic: STOP IT! It may get you raped, or killed. Ted Bundy, the serial killer, was a good-looking, well educated man, who ALWAYS played on the sympathies of unsuspecting women. He walked with a cane, or a limp, and often asked “for help” into his vehicle or with his vehicle, which is when he abducted his next victim.

Send this to any woman you know that may need to be reminded that the world we live in has a lot of crazies in it and it’s better safe than sorry.

 

[Mitre]

Coming soon

 

[Mitre]

New Topic Bullies
http://www.bullyonline.org/workbully/serial.htm

One person in thirty, male or female, is a serial bully. Who does the following profile describe in your life?
-The serial bully: is a convincing, practised liar and when called to account, will make up anything spontaneously to fit their needs at that moment

-a Jekyll and Hyde nature - is vile, vicious and vindictive in private, but innocent and charming in front of witnesses; no-one can (or wants to) believe
-this individual has a vindictive nature - only the current target of the serial bully's aggression sees both sides; whilst the Jekyll side is described as "charming" and convincing enough to deceive personnel, management and a tribunal, the Hyde side is frequently described as "evil"; Hyde is the real person, Jekyll is an act excels at deception and should never be underestimated in their capacity to deceive uses excessive charm and is always plausible and convincing when peers, superiors or others are present (charm can be used to deceive as well as to cover for lack of empathy)

- is glib, shallow and superficial with plenty of fine words and lots of form - but there's no substance is possessed of an exceptional verbal facility and will outmanoeuvre most people in verbal interaction, especially at times of conflict is often described as smooth, slippery, slimy, ingratiating, fawning, toadying, obsequious, sycophantic relies on mimicry, repetition and regurgitation to convince others that he or she is both a "normal" human being and a tough dynamic manager, as in extolling the virtues of the latest management fads and pouring forth the accompanying jargon is unusually skilled in being able to anticipate what people want to hear and then saying it plausibly cannot be trusted or relied upon fails to fulfil commitments is emotionally retarded with an arrested level of emotional development;

-whilst language and intellect may appear to be that of an adult, the bully displays the emotional age of a five-year-old is emotionally immature and emotionally untrustworthy exhibits unusual and inappropriate attitudes to sexual matters, sexual behaviour and bodily functions; underneath the charming exterior there are often suspicions or hints of sex discrimination and sexual harassment, perhaps also sexual dysfunction, sexual inadequacy, sexual perversion, sexual violence or sexual abuse in a relationship, is incapable of initiating or sustaining intimacy holds deep prejudices (eg against the opposite gender, people of a different sexual orientation, other cultures and religious beliefs, foreigners, etc - prejudiced people are unvaryingly unimaginative)

-but goes to great lengths to keep this prejudicial aspect of their personality secret is self-opinionated and displays arrogance, audacity, a superior sense of entitlement and sense of invulnerability and untouchability has a deep-seated contempt of clients in contrast to his or her professed compassion

-is a control freak and has a compulsive need to control everyone and everything you say, do, think and believe; for example, will launch an immediate personal attack attempting to restrict what you are permitted to say if you start talking knowledgeably about psychopathic personality or antisocial personality disorder in their presence - but aggressively maintains the right to talk (usually unknowledgeably) about anything they choose;

-serial bullies despise anyone who enables others to see through their deception and their mask of sanity displays a compulsive need to criticise whilst simultaneously refusing to value, praise and acknowledge others, their achievements, or their existence shows a lack of joined-up thinking with conversation that doesn't flow and arguments that don't hold water flits from topic to topic so that you come away feeling you've never had a proper conversation refuses to be specific and never gives a straight answer is evasive and has a Houdini-like ability to escape accountability

-undermines and destroys anyone who the bully perceives to be an adversary, a potential threat, or who can see through the bully's mask is adept at creating conflict between those who would otherwise collate incriminating information about them is quick to discredit and neutralise anyone who can talk knowledgeably about antisocial or sociopathic behaviors may pursue a vindictive vendetta against anyone who dares to held them accountable, perhaps using others' resources and contemptuous of the damage caused to other people and organisations in pursuance of the vendetta is also quick to belittle, undermine, denigrate and discredit anyone who calls, attempts to call, or might call the bully to account gains gratification from denying people what they are entitled to is highly manipulative, especially of people's perceptions and emotions (eg guilt)

-poisons peoples' minds by manipulating their perceptions when called upon to share or address the needs and concerns of others, responds with impatience, irritability and aggression is arrogant, haughty, high-handed, and a know-all often has an overwhelming, unhealthy and narcissistic attention-seeking need to portray themselves as a wonderful, kind, caring and compassionate person, in contrast to their behaviour and treatment of others;

-the bully sees nothing wrong with their behavior and chooses to remain oblivious to the discrepancy between how they like to be seen and how they are seen by others is spiritually dead although may loudly profess some religious belief or affiliation is mean-spirited, officious, and often unbelievably petty is mean, stingy, and financially untrustworthy is greedy, selfish, a parasite and

- an emotional vampire is always a taker and never a giver is convinced of their superiority and has an overbearing belief in their qualities of leadership but cannot distinguish between leadership (maturity, decisiveness, assertiveness, co-operation, trust, integrity) and bullying (immaturity, impulsiveness, aggression, manipulation, distrust, deceitfulness)

- often fraudulently claims qualifications, experience, titles, entitlements or affiliations which are ambiguous, misleading, or bogus often misses the semantic meaning of language, misinterprets what is said, sometimes wrongly thinking that comments of a satirical, ironic or general negative nature apply to him or herself knows the words but not the song is constantly imposing on others a false reality made up of distortion and fabrication sometimes displays a seemingly limitless demonic energy especially when engaged in attention-seeking activities or evasion of accountability and is often a committeeaholic or apparent workaholic Responsibility

-The serial bully appears to lack insight into his or her behaviour and seems to be oblivious to the crassness and inappropriateness thereof; however, it is more likely that the bully knows what they are doing but elects to switch off the moral and ethical considerations by which normal people are bound. If the bully knows what they are doing, they are responsible for their behaviour and thus liable for its consequences to other people. If the bully doesn't know what they are doing, they should be suspended from duty on the grounds of diminished responsibility and the provisions of the Mental Health Act should apply.

using my Typo pad

 

[Mitre]

New Topic Codependency Checklist
http://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/co-dependency-checklist-how-far-have-you-come/
See Post 99 for Healing 5 Codependency

Below is an excellent checklist to determine if you are codependent. For more information please click the link above.

1 Do you spend a lot of time worrying about what other people think about you?
2 Do you try to impress other people and make them happy so that you can be happy?
3 Do you often analyse other people’s lives?
4 Do you get distressed by bad things that happen which are out of your control?
5 Do you say and do what you think other people want you to say and do?
6 Do you try to control other people’s behaviour so that you can feel okay?
7 When an interaction with someone goes ‘wrong’ do you spend time analysing their actions, what they said and what they might be feeling and thinking?
8 Do you find it difficult to speak up and confront an issue when you feel uncomfortable?
9 Do you blame other people for the way you feel?
10 Do other people’s moods bring your own mood down?
11 Do you immediately think of someone else who needs this information more than you?
12 Do you seek and listen to other people’s opinions rather than seeking and listening to your own?
13 Do you obsess over saying the wrong thing or hurting someone else’s feelings?
14. Do you hang on to people and situations even when it hurts, hoping they will change into something better?
15 Do you often feel selfish, guilty or ‘what a waste of time’ when you do something nice for yourself?
16 Do you often say ‘Yes’ when you really want to say ‘No’?
17 Do you struggle to listen to your own feelings and go along with other people’s feelings?
18 Do you give a lot of yourself to other people, even if they don’t ask, and then get upset when they don’t do the same in return?
19 Do you try to fix or change other people to be who you want them to be?
20 Do you try and help or fix others who don’t take responsibility for themselves?
21 Do you tend to put everyone else’s needs before your own?
22 Do you avoid taking charge of your own life, and / or creating your own happiness in the hope that someone will provide it for you?

 

[Mitre]

New Topic Bullying At Work
http://www.bullyonline.org/workbully/vulnerab.htm

Bullying differs from harassment and assault in that the latter can result from a single incident or small number of incidents - which everybody recognises as harassment or assault - whereas bullying tends to be an accumulation of many small incidents over a long period of time. Each incident tends to be trivial, and on its own and out of context does not constitute an offense or grounds for disciplinary or grievance action.

What is bullying?

1.constant nit-picking, fault-finding and criticism of a trivial nature - the triviality, regularity and frequency betray bullying; often there is a grain of truth (but only a grain) in the criticism to fool you into believing the criticism has validity, which it does not; often, the criticism is based on distortion, misrepresentation or fabrication
simultaneous with the criticism, a constant refusal to acknowledge you and your contributions and achievements or to recognize your existence and value
2 Constant attempts to undermine you and your position, status, worth, value and potential where you are in a group (e.g. at work), being singled out and treated differently; for instance, everyone else can get away with murder but the moment you put a foot wrong - however trivial - action is taken against you
3 being isolated and separated from colleagues, excluded from what's going on, marginalized, overruled, ignored, sidelined, frozen out, sent to Coventry
4 being belittled, demeaned and patronized, especially in front of others
5 being humiliated, shouted at and threatened, often in front of others
6 being overloaded with work, or having all your work taken away and replaced with
7 either menial tasks (filing, photocopying, minute taking) or with no work at all
finding that your work - and the credit for it - is stolen and plagiarized
8 having your responsibility increased but your authority taken away
9 having annual leave, sickness leave, and - especially - compassionate leave refused
10 being denied training necessary for you to fulfill your duties
11 having unrealistic goals set, which change as you approach them
ditto deadlines which are changed at short notice - or no notice - and without you being informed until it's too late
12 finding that everything you say and do is twisted, distorted and misrepresented
being subjected to disciplinary procedures with verbal or written warnings imposed for trivial or fabricated reasons and without proper investigation
13 being coerced into leaving through no fault of your own, constructive dismissal, early or ill-health retirement, etc

The reasons people don't assert their right not to be bullied

1. the target of bullying has been disempowered through isolation and exclusion and the manipulation of co-workers and management's perceptions
2. the bully is constantly threatening and intimidating the target and co-workers
there is a climate of dysfunction and fear in which people are frightened to assert their rights
3.the target now has artificially high levels of shame, embarrassment, fear and guilt - all stimulated by the bully, for this is how all abusers control their victims
4. the target feels bewildered and often still cannot believe that what is happening is happening; the target feels responsible in some way, as evidenced by the nagging thoughts "Why me?" and "Why did I let it happen to me?" (Click here for some answers)
5. the target fears for loss of their job
6. the target fears they will be unable to obtain a reference (this is especially true in the professions) and the bully never misses an opportunity to strike at their target, even after the target has left; being asked for a reference is an ideal opportunity to bad-mouth their target - if this is happening to you, contact us for ideas on how to counter this
7. if you take your employer to an employment tribunal you're obviously a troublemaker and no employer will take the risk employing you - despite the fact that you did nothing wrong there is no law against bullying and the laws that do exist are difficult to apply to bullying
8. real jobs are scarce and if you're over 40 and in a permanent full-time position the chances of obtaining another permanent full-time position are slim (the government likes to give the impression that there are under one million people unemployed in the UK but the figure quoted is the number of people who qualify for jobseekers allowance - the number of people aged between 18-65 without a job is between 4-6 million)
9. by this time the target is suffering a severe psychiatric injury, is traumatized and unable to articulate their circumstances - whilst the bully remains glib and plausible
10. trauma and fear combine to prevent the target from being able to find the right words to identify, unmask and call to account their tormentor (contact us for a list of phrases and strategies)
11. when the symptoms of psychiatric injury start to appear the bully plays the mental health trap, claiming this person "has a mental health problem" (psychiatric injury has nothing to do with mental illness - click here to see the differences)
12. the target has no knowledge of serial bullies, sociopaths, etc, and no experience of dealing with these characters
13. the bully relies on compulsive lying, Jekyll & Hyde nature, deception, deviousness, evasiveness and charm and uses denial, counter-attack, projection and feigning victimhood to evade accountability (click here for details). Charm has a motive - deception.
14.the serial bully abuses power, exhibits amoral behavior and lacks conscience and remorse
15. there's a lot of ignorance and unenlightenedness about bullying
the silence is deafening
denial is everywhere
16. disbelief is prevalent too - the target fears that no-one will believe them and even the target eventually questions their belief that this is happening, especially as the bully persistently and plausibly denies everything
bullies are encouraged and rewarded, often by promotion
17. cases that are settled are subject to gagging clauses
18. employers network with each other, sometimes discussing cases and people at fraternal meetings
19.in many cases unions are unhelpful; in some cases the union is part of the problem
20.the target doesn't want to have "stress" on their health record
21. the target doesn't want to get others into trouble and is reluctant to initiate a grievance against a fellow human being
22. the target naively believes that the system is there to protect them and will work for them (it isn't and it doesn't)
23. the target naively believes that their loyalty and good service record will stand them in good stead (it won't and the employer is likely to ignore and dismiss it)
24. the target naively believes that Human Resources and personnel are there to protect employees (they're not, click here for the reasons why)
grievance procedures are notoriously useless for dealing with bullying, as the manager, with whom the grievance is normally conducted, is often the bully - or is supporting the bully, either by colluding (active support), or by refusing and failing to deal with the bully (passive support)
25. even if another manager handles the grievance, he or she is usually connected with the bully in some way
26. bullying is a betrayal; the target trusted and depended on the integrity of another (e.g. manager) and that person betrayed them; the target fears and anticipates that when they report the bullying, they will be betrayed again (they often are)
27. those in authority did nothing to prevent the bullying while it was happening, nor did they do anything subsequently; very often it is the person in the position of authority who is the bully; trust in authority is low, with justification
28. bullying is a form of psychological rape because of its intrusive and violational nature
29. the target felt and continues to feel guilty about what happened, having been encouraged by the bully to believe they were responsible
30. the target may have been encouraged to withdraw from legal action by the bully feigning victimhood and playing on their target's forgiving chord and manipulating other people's sympathies
31. bullying causes Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and any thought, memory or reminder of the bullying immediately results in the sufferer experiencing the following PTSD DSM-IV diagnostic criteria:

 

[Mitre]

New Topic How to lessen bullying in the workplace
http://bullyfreeatwork.com/blog/?page_id=14
http://www.kickbully.com

1. Bullying appears to begin as discreet and indirect behaviors escalating over time into more open and direct behaviors
> unwarranted criticism or insults Learn Verbal Defense
> spreading malicious rumors At a new job become friends with everyone
> deliberately withholding information or resources Be friendly with everyone at work
> influencing others to exclude or isolate the targeted person or group.

2. Take an assertiveness training course See post 89

3. Avoid people who want to be friends with you to fast. See post 84

4. Potential workplace bullying targets stick out to potential aggressors. By some characteristic or behavior, they unwittingly trip a wire that unleashes abusive behaviors.
> Know your weakness, and strengthen it.

5. Don’t retaliate or act impulsively
>Being bullied at work sometimes leads targets to retaliate or act impulsively, saying or doing things they’d like to take back. It’s a natural response, but resist doing so with all your might. Otherwise, it may provide a reason for the bully to say she’s being victimized. If you act impulsive the bully will get his fix- a reaction from you-and WILL come back for more. Bullying is an addiction.

6. When a business colleague says something very uncomfortable in the presence of other business colleagues what do you do ?
> You can either completely ignore it
have a witty comeback to it (be very careful here),
try to change the conversation,
deny the importance of it
open the door to further discussion,
shut down the conversation entirely by making a hasty exit.

7. Credit Grabbers
>mention to him that they should alert others of the team's participation. If it is a constant habit, you must be proactive and tell others of the role you and the team played. If it becomes too frustrating, do your best to avoid working with that person.

8.Get some perspective
>A workplace bully wants you to be emotionally overwhelmed. When you are flustered by his attacks, he can better control you.
>Do you want to work there in the long term? Is it worth the effort to conquer a workplace bully? Could you better spend your energy in improving your work-related knowledge and skills, and then find another job?
>Can you avoid a workplace bully, stay in your current position, and maintain your dignity and happiness? Can you transfer elsewhere in the company without retaliation from the bully? Should you find a new job instead of fighting?
>Is doing nothing a possible solution, or would things get worse? Will you become infected by negativity if you stay in your current job? Will your problems at work harm your personal life? You should seriously consider whether inaction on your part would lead to far more problems than confronting a workplace bully.

9. Stand up to the bully
>a bully only goes after convenient targets. His ambition is limited to making himself feel more powerful as a short-term ego boost. In this case, you dramatically improve your situation by standing up to him, a relatively simple strategy requiring little commitment on your part.
He prefers to exploit those whose responses to his bullying are weak and submissive. You only need to differentiate yourself. Just gently confront any aggressive behavior that comes your way, and the bully will leave you alone and go find an easier target.

10.Leaving the workplace
>Financial preparation
Lining up a new job
When you talk to prospective employers, be careful not to complain about your current situation.
Avoiding Sharks What should you do when you’re swimming in the ocean and see a shark approaching? Get out of the water.Sometimes the best answer is the most obvious one. Consider the happiness of yourself and your family before taking on a powerful bully. Maybe you can escape the situation before he pulls you under.But if you decide to fight back, make sure you have some powerful shark repellent handy.

11.Response
a.Basic failsafe response The most reliable response is also the most simple: interrupt him and walk away.
“Will you excuse me? I’m going to get a drink of water.”
“Excuse me, but I need to go to the restroom.”
“Pardon me; I need to make a phone call.”
b.Are you ready for a more assertive approach?
In the aggressive failsafe response, you repeatedly ask “Why?”
“And why is that?”
“Why do you believe that?”
“How come?”
“But why?”
“What’s underlying that?”
“What’s your reasoning on that?”
“What makes you think that?”

12. Increase Self Confidence
1. build your confidence by doing things. Self confidence is built on achievement and you will rarely achieve anything around a bully.
2. Lower your expectation around the bully do not seek his approval, do not hope for the best,do not expect him to create win-win situations.
3. Take a proactive stance, know where your confidence can grow and be protect it from prying eyes and ears.
4. Take care of yourself, exercise, see a therapist, leave the abusive environment

13.Bullying Self Test
1.Ignore you.
-Not say hello when you greet them.
-Not return your phone calls or emails.
2.Dismiss what you’re saying or “put you down” while alone or in the presence of others?
3.Sabotage you or make you look foolish, such as “forgetting” to tell you about meetings (or) if the person is your boss, set you up to fail by making impossible demands of you?
4.Spread rumors, lies and half-truths about you?
5.Frequently act impatient with you, treating you like you’re incompetent?
6.Routinely blame and criticize you?
7.Try to intimidate you by interrupting, contradicting, glaring, acting forceful or giving you the silent treatment?
8.Ridicule, insult or play tricks on you, especially in front of others?
9.Always insist on getting their own way and never apologizing?
10.Leave you out of social and work situations as opposed to inviting or including you.

14.Become like your boss or people your boss favors
People do not like different people

15.Adult Bullying: Beware! Leopards Don’t Change Their Spots
Bullies aren’t interested in having win-win conversations that resolve differences. They are interested in gaining power over another person.

16.Humorous responses
Humor can be an effective weapon against bullying. The extent to which you use humor should be determined by your personal style and the overall situation.

17. Things to avoid in your technique
1. Don’t be defensive
First of all, never let a bully put you on the defensive. Don’t apologize for your behavior, unless it was truly a mistake. Instead, just acknowledge that you heard his criticism, and state that you will be more careful in the future. Never argue or become angry. Never plead or beg.
2. Don’t be timid
Never display a timid or wishy-washy personality. Otherwise, he will think you can be easily intimidated or manipulated. Never change your plans solely because of bullying and never give in to any unrealistic demands (except possibly to compromise on a minor item). Don’t buckle under the pressure of his threats. Don’t try to appease him.
3. Don’t be fooled
You also need to show that you can’t be confused and misled. Never be fooled by a bully’s misstatements and never take his words at face value. Don’t automatically accept the premise of his comments or questions, which could sidetrack you from the main issue. Show him you can think clearly even when under attack.
4. Don’t stoop to his level
Finally, never stoop to the level of a workplace bully.
It is always better to maintain your integrity and sense of fair play, even if it means letting a workplace bully get the upper hand, or losing your job.

18. An old saying, “The devil you know is better than the devil you don’t know,” means “stay with the familiar; you’re better off than striking off on your own–no telling what you’ll find.” That may be good advice, but if it’s keeping you in a job that fills your life with misery instead of satisfaction, is that the best you can do?

19.Verbally Deflecting the Bully: Less Is More
1.Learn how to be friendly, firm, but not familiar.
2.Always say less than necessary.
“When you are trying to impress people with words, the more you say, the more common you appear and you also appear less in control.”
3. Do not be afraid of silence.
Why not decide that you’re not going to say anything, no matter what they say, and you are standing there confidently? Decide to be confident.
4. When being directly questioned by a bully, It’s okay to say, “Give me a minute.” “Now is not a good time. I’ll get back to you later.” If they keep pushing you, then use what we call the Broken Record Technique, in which you keep repeating the main message. “No, I need some time. And I’ll get back to you by four.” “No, I mentioned that I’ll get back to you by four.” “No, I need some time. And I’ll get back to you by four.”

20. Become a harden target… take a bullying course, know your legal rights, know your job, make friends in high places, be social.

 

[Mitre]

New Topic A failure of empathy perpetuates racial disparities.
http://www.slate.com/articles/health_and_science/science/2013/06/racial_empathy_gap_people_don_t_perceive_pain_in_other_races.2.html

George Zimmerman followed Trayvon Martin because he perceived him as dangerous. The defense argues he was, the prosecution argues he wasn’t. No one, of course, argues that Zimmerman approached Martin with kindness, or stopped to consider the boy as anything other than suspicious, an outsider. Ultimately Zimmerman shot and killed Martin. A lack of empathy can produce national tragedies. But it also drives quieter, more routine forms of discrimination.
Let’s do a quick experiment. You watch a needle pierce someone’s skin. Do you feel this person’s pain? Does it matter if the person’s skin is white or black?
For many people, race does matter, even if they don’t know it. They feel more empathy when they see white skin pierced than black. This is known as the racial empathy gap. To study it, researchers at the University of Milano-Bicocca showed participants (all of whom were white) video clips of a needle or an eraser touching someone’s skin. They measured participants’ reactions through skin conductance tests—basically whether their hands got sweaty—which reflect activity in the pain matrix of the brain. If we see someone in pain, it triggers the same network in our brains that’s activated when we are hurt. But people do not respond to the pain of others equally. In this experiment, when viewers saw white people receiving a painful stimulus, they responded more dramatically than they did for black people.
The racial empathy gap helps explain disparities in everything from pain management to the criminal justice system. But the problem isn’t just that people disregard the pain of black people. It’s somehow even worse. The problem is that the pain isn’t even felt.
A recent study shows that people, including medical personnel, assume black people feel less pain than white people. The researchers asked participants to rate how much pain they would feel in 18 common scenarios. The participants rated experiences such as stubbing a toe or getting shampoo in their eyes on a four-point scale (where 1 is “not painful” and 4 is “extremely painful”). Then they rated how another person (a randomly assigned photo of an experimental “target”) would feel in the same situations. Sometimes the target was white, sometimes black. In each experiment, the researchers found that white participants, black participants, and nurses and nursing students assumed that blacks felt less pain than whites.
But the researchers did not believe racial prejudice was entirely to blame. After all, black participants also displayed an empathy gap toward other blacks. What could possibly be the explanation for why black people’s pain is underestimated?
It turns out assumptions about what it means to be black—in terms of social status and hardship—may be behind the bias. In additional experiments, the researchers studied participants’ assumptions about adversity and privilege. The more privilege assumed of the target, the more pain the participants perceived. Conversely, the more hardship assumed, the less pain perceived. The researchers concluded that “the present work finds that people assume that, relative to whites, blacks feel less pain because they have faced more hardship.”
This gives us some insight into how racial disparities are created—and how they are sustained. First, there is an underlying belief that there is a single black experience of the world. Because this belief assumes blacks are already hardened by racism, people believe black people are less sensitive to pain. Because they are believed to be less sensitive to pain, black people are forced to endure more pain.
Consider disparities in treatment for pain. We’ve known for at least two decades that minorities, primarily blacks and Hispanics, receive inadequate pain medication. Often this failure comes when people need help the most. For example, an early study of this disparity revealed that minorities with recurrent or metastatic cancer were less likely to have adequate analgesia. Racial disparities in pain management have been recorded in the treatment of migraines and back pain, cancer care in the elderly, and children with orthopedic fractures. A 2008 review of 13 years of national survey data on emergency room visits found that for a pain-related visit, an opioid prescription was more likely for white patients (31 percent) than black patients (23 percent).
Some of the problem is structural. We’ve also known for some time that pharmacies in nonwhite communities fail to adequately stock opioids. In a 2005 study, Michigan pharmacies in white communities were 52 times more likely to sufficiently stock opioids than in nonwhite communities. But this does not fully explain the problem. When pain medicine is available, minorities receive less of it. Medical personnel may care deeply about treating the pain of minorities. Even so, they might recognize less of it—and this may explain why the pain is so poorly treated.
The racial empathy gap is also a problem of our criminal justice system. Consider research on the impact of race on jury decisions. A 2002 experiment showed the power of race, empathy, and punishment. The researchers asked 90 white students to act as jurors and evaluate a larceny case. The manipulation, as you might suspect, is whether the defendant was black or white. But before jurors decided the defendant’s fate, they participated in an “empathy induction task.” Some jurors were assigned to a high-empathy condition and asked to imagine themselves in the defendant’s position. Other jurors were assigned to a low-empathy condition and asked to simply remain objective. Ultimately, the jurors gave black defendants harsher sentences (4.17 years) than whites (3.04 years)—even in the high-empathy condition (3.26 years versus 2.20 years, respectively)—and felt less empathy for black defendants.
This helps explain harsh sentencing in juvenile justice. Nationwide, youth of color are treated more harshly than their white peers. What is a prank for a white student is often treated as a zero-tolerance offense by a minority student. Minority students are more likely to receive an out-of-school suspension, even if they have a disability, more likely to be referred by their schools to law enforcement, more likely to be arrested, more likely to be tried in adult court, and more likely to receive a harsh sentence. Recall that participants assumed blacks felt less pain because of their perceived hardened lives. Stanford University researchers found something similar in juvenile sentences. In Stanford’s study, people perceived black children as more like adults, who deserve severe adult punishment, and not innocent kids, who deserve our empathy and compassion.
If we know part of the problem is a lack of empathy, is it possible to learn empathy and overcome an implicit bias? In the study of jurors, we saw empathy induction did not eliminate the empathy gap. But it did produce somewhat more lenient sentences. Perhaps this is a first step.
The perspective-taking approach seems to help. In a 2011 study, researchers tested whether empathy induction reduced pain treatment disparities. Participants assigned to the perspective-taking group were instructed to “try to imagine how your patient feels about his or her pain and how this pain is affecting his or her life.” As other studies have found, many people exhibited an empathy bias that drives their bias in pain treatment. But this study gives us some hope. It shows that the perspective-taking intervention reduced treatment bias—in this case by 55 percent.
But this approach misses something crucial. Perspective-taking must account for—and eliminate—the assumptions about what it means to be black or a minority in the United States. After all, imagining how pain affects a person’s life will not completely extinguish bias. Part of the problem is how we think about other people’s pain—and how when we stereotype their lives, we don’t.

 

[Mitre]

New Topic White people lack empathy for brown people, brain research shows.
http://www.cafemom.com/group/99198/forums/read/18418698/White_people_lack_empathy_for_brown_people_brain_research_shows

New research from the University of Toronto-Scarborough shows that white people’s mirror-neuron-system fires much less, if at all, when they watch people of colour performing motor tasks, and I’m not at all surprised. For years, I just assumed that this was true, and that someone just had to do a study to prove it.

After the United States invaded Iraq and massacred tens of thousands of Iraqis, worldwide terrorist recruitment skyrocketed, as well as terrorist attacks targetting the U.S. and coalition countries. Terrorist leaders cited the Iraq invasion and the deaths of Iraqis as the reason for the attacks. However, White Americans did not buy it, believing it to be a smokescreen for some other reason. It must be Islam, they reasoned, as they grasped at straws.

I then realized that the vast majority of White Americans could not empathize with brown people at a very basic level. For most White Americans, the death and violence of thousands of brown bodies was just part of some abstract ethical argument to position oneself as morally superior to the United States. For most White Americans, brown people dying just meant flickers on the television screen about something happening far away. They didn’t feel the overwhelming anger and sadness they would normally feel when someone they know dies without reason. They couldn’t see the full reality of what death means, when the people who die are brown.

I have seen white people complain online that they cannot see the facial expressions of (East) Asian faces. For many white people, East Asians are like emotionless robots who are efficient at machine-like things like number crunching. Some white people argue that while East Asians may be able to play musical instruments beautifully, they play music without soul.

Most white people just don’t see us as humans. When brown people die through violence, or East Asians express joy or sadness through our faces, most white people’s brains just don’t register the human connection between our bodies and their bodies. When we watch movies and TV shows and read books featuring white protagonists, we have to put ourselves into white people’s shoes to understand the stories and feel the emotions of sadness, laughter, and pride. But people of colour are rarely the protagonists in the media that white people watch, so they rarely or never have to imagine themselves as us.

When I watch some medical shows about a white person undergoing surgery, and the surgeon uses a sharp knife to break open pink skin, uses other instruments to yank out bloody tissue, or uses bloody string to sew up wounds, I can’t help but to squirm. My hands and arms unconsciously cover up the part of my body that corresponds to the area being operated on, as if protecting that part of my body from being penetrated by imaginary surgical instruments. From a purely rational perspective, this makes no sense. If I watch a (white) person being operated on from a third-person perspective, why should my body react as if it is my own body being traumatized?

see link for rest of article

 

[Mitre]

New Topic Aesop tales: The Swan and the Scorpion and the *** in the lion skin
http://www.narcissismfree.com/swan-and-scorpion.php

The Swan and the Scorpion
There was a Swan at the edge of a river and a scorpion approached asking the swan if she would kindly give him a ride to the other side of the river on her back. The swan said "no, you are a scorpion, you will sting me and I will die." The scorpion assured the swan that he wouldn't do that, all he wanted was a ride to the other side and he promised she was safe with him. So the swan gave in and allowed the scorpion to climb upon her back. She swan to the other side and just before reaching the shore the scorpion stung her and jumped to safety. As the swan was sinking, slowly dying from the poisons she asked the scorpion why he broke his promise and stung her. The scorpion said "I'm a scorpion, that is what I do."

The swan was projecting her swan like qualities upon the scorpion. There is that word "projection" again. When we come to understand narcissism we find that narcissists are masters at projection. They take the dark qualities within themselves and project them onto those who love them. But we don't often think about our own projections. We just as easily project our goodness upon the narcissist in our lives and then we fall in love with the good qualities in ourselves projected upon the other. We see the narcissist (scorpion) as someone who is empathetic, caring, loving, concerned, compassionate and honest, because this is who we are. The narcissist gladly owns our projections and gives us his dirt. We get accused of being the very thing we eventually come to see in him. The problem we often run into is that narcissists are not so blatantly obvious. When they arrive at the river bank asking for a ride, we see prince charming. Yet often within the first couple months or even the first couple dates we might see something very scorpion about the new love interest in our lives. This is where my suggestion that the swan was denying her own instincts was accurate. We may have a knowing but then not trust it. The deeper part is when we paint over our instincts with the projection of our swan like qualities. Instead of listening to the voice of intuition we see in the new love interest all the goodness that lies deep within our own being. We are caring creatures and would never hurt a fly, so how would it be possible that this amazing new person in our life could even conceive of hurting us?

The *** in the Lion's Skin
An ***, having put on the lion's skin, amused himself by terrifying all the foolish animals. At last coming upon a Fox, he tried to frighten him also, but the Fox no sooner heard the sound of his voice than he exclaimed, "I might possibly have been frightened myself, if I had not heard your bray."
The moral of the story is often quoted as Clothes may disguise a fool, but his words will give him away. Always listen to what a person say and watch what they do for contradictions