Unhappily Married

[Armyqt]

I've been wanting to start this thread for a while now, but I'm such an intensely private person that it was hard for me to do. I read OAHQs thread about what you were taught to expect from a husband and just said what the hell. I'm tired of suffering in silence trying to ride it out or wait for things to get better.

I'm not getting any younger and I realize that I no longer am in love with my husband. To tell you the truth, I haven't been for about a year or more now. In the beginning I guess I saw what I wanted to see. But I think that in comparison to my ex, he was a good choice. The man looks good on paper, but that's about it. Here are the things that I'm lacking from him.

1) Emotional Support - he's very detached and will not deal with issues as they arise. I discuss them with him, he seems to 'get it', but then it's business as usual. OR, he pisses me off because of something he's done, I ingore him, he ignores me, then a few days later he acts like nothing's happened. So lots of stuff goes unresloved.

2) Although I didn't want to have kids when we initially got married, because of my love for him, that changed. When we talked about it, he said he didn't want anymore. I felt rejected and let it go. We have no kids together.

3) He doesn't cater to me at all. I have to wash my own car, get my own services, etc. He will do it, but I have to ask him. He doesn't take initiative. This is a BIG turnoff. If I ask him to rub my feet or my back, he acts like it's a bother.

4) He's not a manly man at ALL. If something gets broken, it stays that way until either 1) I bytch so hard that I shame him into it, or 2) do it myself.

5) THIS ONE IS HUGE: He has been VERY non-spportive of my son with Aspergers. He's even questioned my parenting skills in a way that makes me feel like he blames me for my son's condition. Last year he tried to pressure me into sending him to live with his dad. This is when I really started to distance myself from him emotionally.

6) He is very lazy to me. Although he has more free time on his hands (Real Estate Agent), he does very little to help me run the house. I commute 1 hr each way daily, and come home to see him lounging around and I still have to prepare dinner, help kids with homework etc. This is another huge turn off.

7) Non supportive - I don't feel like he protects me or stands up for me when necessary. I am always in the wrong when it comes to other people. Early in our marriage he allowed his ex wife to disrespect me and didn't check her. That set the tone for how the entire rlp would continue. I had to totally eject myself from a rlp with his son to avoid her non-sense.

AND to add insult to injury, he's always sniffing around me wanting to get busy. Fool I'm tired and turned off from you.

I have been the model wife from day 1. Always supportive, cooked well, kept a clean home, pleasant, worked, like entertaining friends, always keep my appearance on point. I just don't get it. The other day the kids and I cleaned for 4 hours while he 'pretended' he was working on the computer. This fool had the nerve to come and ask me if I needed any help after the fact. I told him a few choice words. But I also told him that God is going to send him the woman he deserves because he doesn't deserve me.

This pretty much covers everything. To me my DH is weak and extremely selfish. I think that because I'm such a "get things done, strong woman" type, he just takes me for granted. I fear it's too late, because I have had conversation after conversation with him and he still doesn't get it. PLUS he refuses to take responsibility for his shortcomings. There's always another reason, but never him. I think this man is extremely SELFISH and I will probably never be truly happy with him.

That's all folks.
-

 

[Divine_Order]

(((HUGS))) I don't have any advice (I'm not married). But I do wish you all the best. I hope that he either straightens up and realizes the woman that he has in you....OR that if he leaves from your life that another man with the qualities that you need in a man will come your way.

 

[Armyqt]

(((HUGS))) I don't have any advice (I'm not married). But I do wish you all the best. I hope that he either straightens up and realizes the woman that he has in you....OR that if he leaves from your life that another man with the qualities that you need in a man will come your way.

Thanks hun.

 

[sunnydaze]

(((HUGS))))

Have you sat down and talked with him about your concerns? Also, have you considered martial counseling?

 

[Browndilocks]

How does that song go?

"You gonna make me love somebody else... If you keep on treatin me the way you do!"



Hope this vent has made you feel better. I know that there will be a bunch of folx coming in here saying "I'm so sorry for you", "Have you told him any of this?", etc. and maybe that's what you're looking for.

But I'll just go ahead and congratulate you for getting this off of your chest and wish you the best in whatever you decide to do.

 

[Nefertiti0906]

I've sent you a PM...

 

[eyunka]

I have no advice either as I am going through the samething....as i read some of this i thought maybe we were married to the same person.

pm if you would like to talk more....(((hugs)))

 

[Kiadodie]

Wow..sorry. I"m not married nor am I in a relationship but I feel for you.

With this question, I'm trying to learn from your situation...what qualities did you see in him in the beginning to marry him? Did he change over time?

 

[Armyqt]

(((HUGS))))

Have you sat down and talked with him about your concerns? Also, have you considered martial counseling?

I have talked to him at great lengths about this, but to no avail. I have mentioned counseling. I went individually for about 4 months last year. I think he would go just to prove how I'm the one with the problem. So I don't think that counseling will help. Plus counseling will not change the core of who someone is.

 

[Armyqt]

Thank you. I really don't know what I'm hoping for. It did feel good to get it out though.

How does that song go?

"You gonna make me love somebody else... If you keep on treatin me the way you do!"



Hope this vent has made you feel better. I know that there will be a bunch of folx coming in here saying "I'm so sorry for you", "Have you told him any of this?", etc. and maybe that's what you're looking for.

But I'll just go ahead and congratulate you for getting this off of your chest and wish you the best in whatever you decide to do.

 

[Armyqt]

Sorry to hear you're going through the same thing. @ married to the same man.

I have no advice either as I am going through the samething....as i read some of this i thought maybe we were married to the same person.

pm if you would like to talk more....(((hugs)))

 

[Armyqt]

Wow..sorry. I"m not married nor am I in a relationship but I feel for you.

With this question, I'm trying to learn from your situation...what qualities did you see in him in the beginning to marry him? Did he change over time?

Well....alot of the things I'm experiencing now, I couldn't measure at the time because we weren't living together until after marriage. He used to treat me like a queen. He always bought things for me, came around and hung out with the kids, took me on trips. Once we went on a trip and I laid my clothes out on the bead and headed to the shower. When I came out, he had them ironed without me asking. I was very impressed. So I thought things like this would continue. We dated for 3 years before marriage, but two of those years were long distance.

 

[sunnydaze]

I have talked to him at great lengths about this, but to no avail. I have mentioned counseling. I went individually for about 4 months last year. I think he would go just to prove how I'm the one with the problem. So I don't think that counseling will help. Plus counseling will not change the core of who someone is.

I understand. Before my divorce, we briefly tried counseling as well..to no avail..but my situation was different and I knew going into it that I didn't want to be married anymore.

It seems like for those counseling worked, it wasn't about changing the other person, but moreso getting a better understanding of what makes you both tick and learning how to respond to it better.

Anyway, I know sometimes you just need to vent and get things off your chest and that, many times, is enough.

 

[itismehmmkay]

Hey Army: I'm not married either, but in a relationship w/ a man who wants to get married...and I fear that he'll become some of what you're describing about your DH.

These days I'm understanding that relationships do take some work and communication is a big factor. And I'm learning that backing off and a little silence is a form of communication, too. I don't recommend divorce, but maybe a mini separation could help things. Have you considered that?

 

[Armyqt]

Hey Army: I'm not married either, but in a relationship w/ a man who wants to get married...and I fear that he'll become some of what you're describing about your DH.

These days I'm understanding that relationships do take some work and communication is a big factor. And I'm learning that backing off and a little silence is a form of communication, too. I don't recommend divorce, but maybe a mini separation could help things. Have you considered that?

YES, I have separated my *** into the guest bedroom. Very comfy in there.

 

[lola-lola]

I'm sorry to hear this,I commend you for being honest and open. I think many couples go through this in one form or another when it comes to relationships and marriage. I recommend that you take sometime off on your own,going on a vacation,distressing getting away from him for a week or two to figure things out.

Also think about and write a list of how things were in the beginning,focus on the reason why you fell in love with him,vice versa.

Also what led to you feeling out of love,is it loss of physical attraction,lack of sexual attraction or is it purely mental.

Focus on the good things he does and the contribution his made,make him feel appreciated,tell him what you want,spice it up.

Also go on a romantic trip,talk more openly and honestly to him about how you feel

and what does he really want,what's going on with him mentally to make you feel so out of love.

If he was so wonderful and perfect in the beginning what has led him to change like that.

I don't know,I wish you the best of luck.

 

[Rapunzel*]

do you all go to church, and if you dont maybe you should consider doing so. Christian counseling would be best
note: counseling wont cast out a demon, it takes god to save your marriage.
and if hes still not improving then leave him, hell at least you all dont have kids together

god bless and ill keep you in my prayers

 

[1QTPie]

Counseling counseling counseling.

Communicate your needs without putting him down. This of course will only work if he is receptive to it. And the way to be receptive is to have someone mediate this.

Maybe what you think is a lack of love is moreso a lack of respect because he doesn't respect your needs!

I say all this if you know 100% that you don't want to be with him anymore. After reading the change in plans about kids, I'm quite sure that he's feeling a few things about YOU. You two have to talk and at least try once the cards are on the table.

I wish you well my sister.



And for the ladies who won't say anything because they aren't married, you are women #1. You can support a sister without being an expert. Having a marriage license doesn't give you a doctorate in knowing everything, just more insight on a long term relationship.

 

[rmwms]

Hey...you know I don't drink but if you want to go get a drink hit me up. Some times a sista just need an ear.

 

[Keen]

{{{{{{{{ Armyqt }}}}}}}}}}}. You're always so positive and driven. This seem like a personality clash. I don't have any advise. Just wanted to say good luck with whatever you end up doing.

 

[kweenameena]

I have talked to him at great lengths about this, but to no avail. I have mentioned counseling. I went individually for about 4 months last year. I think he would go just to prove how I'm the one with the problem. So I don't think that counseling will help. Plus counseling will not change the core of who someone is.

Well....alot of the things I'm experiencing now, I couldn't measure at the time because we weren't living together until after marriage. He used to treat me like a queen. He always bought things for me, came around and hung out with the kids, took me on trips. Once we went on a trip and I laid my clothes out on the bead and headed to the shower. When I came out, he had them ironed without me asking. I was very impressed. So I thought things like this would continue. We dated for 3 years before marriage, but two of those years were long distance.

Gosh, I had written this big long essay and then erased it on accident.
Anyways, counseling would be the best route.
IMO, this is not grounds for divorce because this can be fixed and worked out.
I know you said counseling does not change your core....but his core can't be all that bad because you fell in love with him enough to marry him. Plus he use to do those special things for you...so he knows how.
Does he recognize that there is a problem? Does he want to fix the problem? Perhaps he doesn't know how to fix it.
Have you tried the 30day husband encouragement challenge?
Counseling saved my marriage. I think our DHs are brothers because I had almost all of the same complaints as you.
God can move mountains so he can move your husband. I'm praying for you!

ETA: If you ever need a babysitter so that you and DH can have some alone time (which might be what you need)....I don't live that far from you. I'd be more than happy to drive down there.

 

[mstee eyes]

Sorry to hear that your husband doesn’t appreciate what he has. I don’t have any advice but, I will say this A donkey knows no gratitude. (African Proverb) I am not calling your husband a donkey but if the shoe fits then he should wear it! I admire your courage for sticking out but don’t forget that you and your child’s happiness should come first.
You have always been so helpful and you deserve the best you can have.

 

[cocoaluv]

5) THIS ONE IS HUGE: He has been VERY non-spportive of my son with Aspergers. He's even questioned my parenting skills in a way that makes me feel like he blames me for my son's condition. Last year he tried to pressure me into sending him to live with his dad. This is when I really started to distance myself from him emotionally.

Oh no!!! This was the main point that stuck out to me. I am not married or have children but I would certainly be concerned if the man I married wanted to send my child away.

 

[MissYocairis]

((((((((((((((Army!))))))))))))))))





I'm sorry this is going on sis. I feel your disappointment. I don't have much advice because I know what it is like to be unhappily married and I don't wanna be a bad influence on you right now ... just know you are right to feel the way you do and you are a great lady and he's blessed and just doesn't realize how much.

 

[Armyqt]

Thanks for the feedback ladies. I'm going to go back and answer your posts individually later. Ok, so I get Tarot readings sent to me in my email for fun . Check out today's.

Hi armyqt
There are times in our lives when we must accept inevitable
change and allow things to come to a natural end.

The Judgment card is often referred to as a time of
resurrection and awakening, a time when a phase or period
of our life comes to an absolute end making way for dynamic
new beginnings.
It may be that a long-term relationship or marriage has had
its time and whilst it may feel painful to accept this
finality, the Judgment card is saying try and accept that
this is a time of fast-moving, positive change and action
for you.
Whether it’s the end of a career, a time when your children
have flown the nest, or a turn of events that make you wish
your life was different, this card represents karmic change
and it indicates that bigger and better things are yet to
come into your life.
Quite often, fantastic events and opportunities follow sad
and difficult challenges and this card can represent any
events that may feel like ‘Judgment Day’ has come. Changes
that may be indicated upon the appearance of this card can
be significant, so this would not be a time for regret and
fear but a time for courage and rejoicing in what you have
achieved and what you are yet to achieve.
Your life may well pick up a pace when this card appears,
so whatever future possibilities are indicated in your
reading, these events may happen quite quickly.
If the Judgment card comes up in a reading about legal
issues, it is a positive sign that any ruling will be in
your favor. However, if this card is surrounded by negative
cards, it may indicate legal battles ahead and the
possibility of having a ruling made against you
In general readings, if this card is surrounded by negative
cards, it could be that the swift conclusions foretold by
the positive aspect of this card may be delayed. This can
mean that you are fearful of such significant change and
may be ignoring opportunities that may well promise a
brighter future.
I also feel that when this card comes up, it’s important to
use your own judgment wisely and not to judge yourself too
harshly. It is a signal for you to open your heart and mind
to accept that all things come to an end and nothing lasts
forever, yet for each ending there is always a new
beginning.
Embrace such significant and inevitable change and a whole
new world of opportunity can unfold for you – the Judgment
card is a calling for you to be all that you can be.

 

[SugarBaby]

I have talked to him at great lengths about this, but to no avail. I have mentioned counseling. I went individually for about 4 months last year. I think he would go just to prove how I'm the one with the problem. So I don't think that counseling will help. Plus counseling will not change the core of who someone is.

I have been there, so I understand, big hugs to you.

Just want to offer, counseling does help. It can change the core of someone, if they are motivated to change...That has to be there and then the desire to do some self confrontation.

I love counseling. I am a big fan. Perhaps you had the wrong one. Finding a good counselor is work, not many people will talk openly that they are seeing one so it is difficult to get recommendations.

 

[QUINN]

+

to you. I have no advice as I am not nor have I ever been married. You have always struck me as an intelligent woman. You know what's best for you. I just wanted to lend some support.

 

[january noir]

Sorry you are unhappy ArmyQT.


I can't imagine what you are going through, but I know I don't want to experience it. What a bummer! Sigh....

Try counseling with a professional and with God. If that doesn't work, then consider divorce. It's ok to end a marriage that is demeaning and makes you so unhappy.

If he really loves you, he would do what he must to keep you and make you happy. If he doesn't, then you have to love yourself more and end the charade. I know it's easier said than done, but at the end of the day as you gaze across the room at him, how do you feel? If you feel like you want to strangle him and hide the body, then divorce it is!

If you still get that tingley feeling of love and that this marriage can be salvaged, do that and do the very best you can.

I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

 

[Country gal]

I am not married but you are my gal. I was listening to Mike Baisden yesterday. He was listing the reasons women cheat. He made some good points. The reasons a lot of marriages go by the way side is because men/women don't do the things it took to get their SO. He also said women want and need attention from their men. Sometimes men get very complacent.

 

[song_of_serenity]

Print out what you just wrote and leave it on his pillow. If it's going in one ear and out the next? Maybe he needs to see it in writing. It's up to YOU to see if you think it's worth salvaging, because no one deserves to be unhappy especially if their mate isn't supporting them in their daily life like they should. I hope things work out for you! *hugs*
~*Janelle~*