I just don't know how to love the lame guy

[dannie]

I know all is well in Internet land. Lol. Yes I am not saying he is lame....just lame to me. We don't have that many interests that intertwines but he genuinely likes me and thinks we have a "connection". I really want us to work if it can but I think I've been hurt so much in the past I'm not allowing a good guy to love me and me love him back. I want it to work sooo bad but I don't know the direction I need to go in order to allow us time to see if it will work. I told him I was going to work on lifting him up instead criticizing him and I was going to block my ex's number Who has been harassing me so I won't be so stressed out. I committed to spending more time together just us nothing else and embracing each other. I just don't know if it's enough.

OAN my bf claims he is assertive but I don't let him be assertive. He knows my ex is harassing me and he asked did I want him to speak to him about it. I said no instead of letting him handle it

OP, I think you like the way he treats you, and the idea of the relationship more than you like him as a person. No where in any of your post do you describe an attribute about him that YOU like. They all relate in someway to how you like his treatment of you.

Why do you think you cant allow yourself to be loved by a "good" man? Do you have a pattern of being overly critical and pushing people away in the past?

Do you think if you found a guy who treated you like your bf, but also had the GQ style you said you liked in your OP, this would still be an issue?

 

[PrissiSippi]

OP, I think you like the way he treats you, and the idea of the relationship more than you like him as a person. No where in any of your post do you describe an attribute about him that YOU like. They all relate in someway to how you like his treatment of you.

Why do you think you cant allow yourself to be loved by a "good" man? Do you have a pattern of being overly critical and pushing people away in the past?

Do you think if you found a guy who treated you like your bf, but also had the GQ style you said you liked in your OP, this would still be an issue?

Yup if I had another guy who treated me like my bf but had GQ style....I would be head over heels. We would be on the same page with stuff. I wouldn't have to play "Sims" and pick out clothes and tell him what to wear before we go out

I agree with your bolded
I think that is so true. I LOVE the way he treats me. It's the way I always wanted to be treated, and honestly I just don't think there are many guys that would actually give that to me. I feel like I'm obliged to make it work because realistically the other smart and respectful guys are NOT checking for me. They go to the next big booty broad or one who the expect to take care of them. I got everything a princess could ever asked for, but now I feel so unappreciative because I finally got it but I just keep *****ing about two forks. And it really has put a damper on our relationship and his self esteem because the big arguement came from when he tried to engage in coloring with me....and I just had to stop him and tell him I wasn't in the mood

I wasn't in the mood because I'm really stressed out and confused at the moment, but he took it as I'm not sexually attracted to him. Then he claims I tossed and turned all night and wouldn't let him hold me so he felt like I didn't want him there so he couldn't sleep the whole night. For me to go from loving to be around him and having an active coloring life to saying I'm not in the mood he feels like I'm cheating or about to dump him any moment now

 

[carcajada]

you are going to ruin him. you have a good man and that seems to be too much for you. please break up with him, so he can find a woman that will appreciate him.

THIS! Let him go. Let someone who wants to love him to the bone have him.

 

[spelmanlocks]

You can't change a person so it's just a waste of time to think you make him into the man you want him to be. Just find someone else you are more compatible with. Annoying habits/dislikes only get more annoying over time so you're only going to be more unhappy over time.

 

[Tamster]

Op I had a good guy, treat me well, but at the end of the day, we just weren't compatible. Let him go and you guys will both be better for it.

 

[Je Ne Sais Quoi]

OP, I think that you're trying to convince yourself that its OK to be with him because he's a 'good guy'. Unfortunately, you're not compatible with him.

Its ok to let this one go because the reality is this; if you respect someone you don't blow up at them over 2 forks. My husband has said or done some hella goofy **** before, which for the most part cracks me up if he's not putting himself or anyone else in any type of danger.

We went to a Fondue place. Thats not his gig really. he took pieces of meat and bread and dipped in with his hands. Then talk about oh wow that sauce sure is hot. No duh? I couldn't help but laugh, because he's so silly sometimes. I showed him how to use the forks and told him to stop contaminating our food.

As far as cars, lots of young guys these days know nothing about cars. Most of that stuff isn't even recognizable anymore on new cars.The only people I bother about my car is the shop. My husband also not a bbq master. He knows how to turn the grill on and how to cook chicken. his grilling temp is 600 or higher I'm the one that grills because I know how to actually use it properly. When I had to have eye surgery all my girlfriends cooked and made sure he didn't have to do anything but take care of me. They also know that aside from scorched chicken on the grill, the man can only cook oatmeal and scrambled eggs

So yes you're being a bit hard on him because you don't respect him which is evident, and without respect, its hard to even pretend you even like someone.

So basically you're not good for him, and he isn't good for you. Its ok, it happens.

That inner voice is trying to tell you something, and I think you should take some time and listen to it.

-A

I can totally see this

 

[Je Ne Sais Quoi]

I know all is well in Internet land. Lol. Yes I am not saying he is lame....just lame to me. We don't have that many interests that intertwines but he genuinely likes me and thinks we have a "connection". I really want us to work if it can but I think I've been hurt so much in the past I'm not allowing a good guy to love me and me love him back. I want it to work sooo bad but I don't know the direction I need to go in order to allow us time to see if it will work. I told him I was going to work on lifting him up instead criticizing him and I was going to block my ex's number Who has been harassing me so I won't be so stressed out. I committed to spending more time together just us nothing else and embracing each other. I just don't know if it's enough.

OAN my bf claims he is assertive but I don't let him be assertive. He knows my ex is harassing me and he asked did I want him to speak to him about it. I said no instead of letting him handle it

He's trying to "man up" and be the protector here, which is what you want, but you won't let him??

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

You sound like you don't like him. He doesn't have the same interests you do so you should just let him go. It sounds like your irritated by him, and I'm sure he doesn't enjoy being criticized all the time. This just doesn't sound like a happy relationship. Also he seems pretty soft and sheltered, so it sounds like you're taking advantage of his demeanor so that you could be mean to him. Sorry OP just calling it how I see it. You mentioned yourself that you were a bully. People who like to bring others down usually suffer from self-esteem and security issues. Take this time to reevaluate yourself and what you want in a man. Have you been hurt in the past? You mentioned that you dated a lot of losers. Maybe those losers had an effect on your self-confidence and now you feel the need to criticize and hurt your current boyfriend. I may be reaching, but from someone looking on the outside I don't think it’s normal that you're getting upset over such miniscule things.

I agree with the bolded.

I know all is well in Internet land. Lol. Yes I am not saying he is lame....just lame to me. We don't have that many interests that intertwines but he genuinely likes me and thinks we have a "connection". I really want us to work if it can but I think I've been hurt so much in the past I'm not allowing a good guy to love me and me love him back. I want it to work sooo bad but I don't know the direction I need to go in order to allow us time to see if it will work. I told him I was going to work on lifting him up instead criticizing him and I was going to block my ex's number Who has been harassing me so I won't be so stressed out. I committed to spending more time together just us nothing else and embracing each other. I just don't know if it's enough.

OAN my bf claims he is assertive but I don't let him be assertive. He knows my ex is harassing me and he asked did I want him to speak to him about it. I said no instead of letting him handle it

OP, it sounds like you need to really ask yourself some DEEP Soul-searching questions here.

HONESTLY Ask yourself these questions:

1) Do you REALLY like this guy? Are you even attracted to him??

2) What is it that DREW you to him in the first place?

3) Are your issues with him stemming more so from the fact that you feel like he doesn't have a "backbone", or from the fact that he doesn't LOOK, act, and DRESS like the type of man you would LIKE to be on the arm of or would LIKE to see yourself with? (Be HONEST here...)

4) How long have the two of you been dating?

5) What age-range is he?

6) Are you TRULY over some of your past/previous relationships?


Think seriously about those above questions and write the answers here in this thread.

I honestly think that you need to seriously re-evaluate why you're with this guy if he irritates you so much. Is there a way you can just take TWO weeks and just allow yourself to LET GO, let go of trying to control him, let go of trying to mold him into the man you THINK he should be and just enjoy his company? Just two weeks? My guess is, if after fully letting go and letting him be who he is WITHOUT you criticizing him or silently nit-picking every single little thing he does you STILL come to the realization that you just can't stand it and don't want to be with him anymore, then by all means, PLEASE let him go. It's not fair to him OR to you to continue to be w/someone that you're not truly into.

However, sometimes after we FULLY allow ourselves to let go and relinquish control and let ourselves be treated nicely and FULLY allow the man to be who he is, we come to realize that we may like the man that we're with.

I'm really trying to figure out though if you're really all that into him OR if you're sabotaging this relationship due to fear/past insecurities. I know that when I'm not really into a guy, I tend to be overly critical. Whereas, guys who I'm GENUINELY interested in can pretty much get away with murder and I'd still be happy. I also know of a friend of mine who was hurt pretty badly in her marriage, and after her divorce when she started dating again, she admits that she would PURPOSELY self-sabotage her relationships or get easily irritated at the men she was dating because she really wasn't ready to move on and had not healed from her previous relationship. Do you think this might be going on here in your case?

 

[ellebelle88]

PrissiSippi

You seem to be describing my situation to a "T!" The only thing is, I got left and dumped. I was seeing this guy. We weren't in an official relationship. He had just gotten out of a broken engagement. At first, I was attracted to him but then I got realistic and I just lost almost all interest. Instead, I decided to just go with the situation because I didn't have anyone else at the time. I *****ed and complained about him ALOT tho. He was too short for my tastes (he was like 5'3), his coloring tool was small, he seemed so weak because all he did was cry and moan about his ex-fiance, plus so many other characteristics about him I didn't like and I definitely told him.

But he was a great guy. For the most part, he treated me really well and went out of his way for me. I did a lot for him as well, but I wasn't affectionate (cuz I didn't like him) and I complained alot. Well, last week I lashed out at him over something and he came to my apartment, pretty much spoke his piece and he's done with me. I didn't realize how much time we had spent together and how much he did for me. There's a void in my life now and if I could do it all over again, the least I would do is treat him with respect. No one wants to have their head cut off daily and feel like scum. I still don't think I want to be with him, but I do feel bad about how I treated him and Karma is a bee-yatch. I miss him a lot. I miss spending time with him and being held.

Be careful hon. If you don't like him, you need to just remain friends and not lead him on because if and when he does move on, it may hurt you more than you think. Good luck in whatever you decide to do.

 

[PrissiSippi]

I agree with the bolded.






OP, it sounds like you need to really ask yourself some DEEP Soul-searching questions here.

HONESTLY Ask yourself these questions:

1) Do you REALLY like this guy? Are you even attracted to him??

2) What is it that DREW you to him in the first place?

3) Are your issues with him stemming more so from the fact that you feel like he doesn't have a "backbone", or from the fact that he doesn't LOOK, act, and DRESS like the type of man you would LIKE to be on the arm of or would LIKE to see yourself with? (Be HONEST here...)

4) How long have the two of you been dating?

5) What age-range is he?

6) Are you TRULY over some of your past/previous relationships?


Think seriously about those above questions and write the answers here in this thread.

I honestly think that you need to seriously re-evaluate why you're with this guy if he irritates you so much. Is there a way you can just take TWO weeks and just allow yourself to LET GO, let go of trying to control him, let go of trying to mold him into the man you THINK he should be and just enjoy his company? Just two weeks? My guess is, if after fully letting go and letting him be who he is WITHOUT you criticizing him or silently nit-picking every single little thing he does you STILL come to the realization that you just can't stand it and don't want to be with him anymore, then by all means, PLEASE let him go. It's not fair to him OR to you to continue to be w/someone that you're not truly into.

However, sometimes after we FULLY allow ourselves to let go and relinquish control and let ourselves be treated nicely and FULLY allow the man to be who he is, we come to realize that we may like the man that we're with.

I'm really trying to figure out though if you're really all that into him OR if you're sabotaging this relationship due to fear/past insecurities. I know that when I'm not really into a guy, I tend to be overly critical. Whereas, guys who I'm GENUINELY interested in can pretty much get away with murder and I'd still be happy. I also know of a friend of mine who was hurt pretty badly in her marriage, and after her divorce when she started dating again, she admits that she would PURPOSELY self-sabotage her relationships or get easily irritated at the men she was dating because she really wasn't ready to move on and had not healed from her previous relationship. Do you think this might be going on here in your case?

I honestly believe this is my case. It's been two years since my epic horrible relationship. I should be completely over it, but in the back of my head...I think I am mean to good guys as some kind of defense mechanism. I realize the behavior and I'm ready to let go....I just need some kind of guidance on how to do this and allow him to love me. I've prayed a million times about this and I'm dedicated to letting go and not controlling a person but I think I need more help

 

[Renewed1]

I honestly believe this is my case. It's been two years since my epic horrible relationship. I should be completely over it, but in the back of my head...I think I am mean to good guys as some kind of defense mechanism. I realize the behavior and I'm ready to let go....I just need some kind of guidance on how to do this and allow him to love me. I've prayed a million times about this and I'm dedicated to letting go and not controlling a person but I think I need more help

PrissiSippi have you forgiven yourself? Sometimes, we have to admit and forgive ourselves when we make bad decisions; instead of going on the defensive. MOre and likely you are defensive because you are AFRAID that history will repeat itself.

But like the old sayings goes, when you KNOW better you DO better.

Also, take an objective look at your relationship with your bf. Are you with him because he's "safe". You know he probably will never hurt you. Or are you with him because he is the type of guy you would be proud to call "my baby."

So...

Step 1: forgive yourself for the bad decisions

Step 2: eradicate all negative thoughts about GQ men (you only need ONE guy that meets your standards).

Step 3: be honest with yourself and what you desire from a guy.

Step 4: Don't allow yourself to love another man; until he proves he's worthy of your heart. (Let him fight for your love).

 

[PrissiSippi]

PrissiSippi have you forgiven yourself? Sometimes, we have to admit and forgive ourselves when we make bad decisions; instead of going on the defensive. MOre and likely you are defensive because you are AFRAID that history will repeat itself.

But like the old sayings goes, when you KNOW better you DO better.

Also, take an objective look at your relationship with your bf. Are you with him because he's "safe". You know he probably will never hurt you. Or are you with him because he is the type of guy you would be proud to call "my baby."



So...

Step 1: forgive yourself for the bad decisions

Step 2: eradicate all negative thoughts about GQ men (you only need ONE guy that meets your standards).

Step 3: be honest with yourself and what you desire from a guy.

Step 4: Don't allow yourself to love another man; until he proves he's worthy of your heart. (Let him fight for your love).

Both. I'm with him because I know he's what I always wanted and what my heart desires. He protects and loves my heart. I'm also proud to call him my boyfriend. All my colleagues have heard infamous words about ym boyfriend. About how he is so smart, how he is an engineer, and how cool I think he is because various things he does.

 

[melissa-bee]

He's trying to "man up" and be the protector here, which is what you want, but you won't let him??

An assertive person doesn't ask permission to be assertive.

 

[Lylddlebit]

I~~~~~~~~Deleted~~~~~~~~~

 

[Sosoothing]

At least you know and can admit that the way you treat him and the things you say sometimes aren't right.
I would say break up with him and take sometime to work on yourself before continuing to date him or anyone else. Maybe, you are having difficulty fully appreciating him because of things you experienced in your past. And its possible that until some issues are fully resolved, it will be hard for you to respect a "good guy" when you encounter one.

I can imagine it feels tricky for you, especially considering you say he is one of the better people you have ever had a relationship with.

 

[Babysaffy]

PLEASE LEAVE HIM!!! I've had this done to me and it sucks!! He can't help who he is. This will only get worse and one day he may lose it and strike back so bad you won't believe it...

 

[Dacia38]

Sounds like "YOU are just not that into him"