To wait or walk away…..

[Starronda]

Here’s the situation:
I’ve been dating this guy who’s been great, we started seeing each other April of this year. We were seeing each other only on weekends because he lived an hour away. He moved and he’s now 20 minutes away. We see each other 5-6 times a week and never get tired of each other. I’ve met all of his friends, we do a lot of outdoor activities together. We text throughout the day and things have been great. He’s attentive and touchy feely which I adore.

He’s 30, I’m 35. The other night I asked where was this relationship going. His response was “well it’s still early in the relationship, so I don’t feel we need the title girlfriend/boyfriend as of yet. We’re both exclusive, you’re the only one on my mind”. In another conversation he said that he realizes that my son is 19 years old and asked if I see myself having another child in the future. I’ve been a single mother from day one and the thought of having another kid was totally out of the question. For the first time in life I’m actually thinking about it and smiling at the thought of having a family with this guy. He has no kids of his own.

Do you feel his response to my question was a “he’s just not into you” thing or would you give it a little more time? October will make 6 months and I feel that may be more than enough time for him to make things official. He’s a Sagittarius, so I’ve hear they can drag their feet when it comes to commitments.

 

[prettynatural]

4 months is early but if in another month and you all are not exclusive or understood to be in a committed relationship, then I would say move on. If you are looking for marriage and committment, then get with someone who is ready for that and not waste your time with someone who doesn't know or is comfortable being in limbo.

 

[MzLady78]

Here’s the situation:
I’ve been dating this guy who’s been great, we started seeing each other April of this year. We were seeing each other only on weekends because he lived an hour away. He moved and he’s now 20 minutes away. We see each other 5-6 times a week and never get tired of each other. I’ve met all of his friends, we do a lot of outdoor activities together. We text throughout the day and things have been great. He’s attentive and touchy feely which I adore.

He’s 30, I’m 35. The other night I asked where was this relationship going. His response was “well it’s still early in the relationship, so I don’t feel we need the title girlfriend/boyfriend as of yet. We’re both exclusive, you’re the only one on my mind”. In another conversation he said that he realizes that my son is 19 years old and asked if I see myself having another child in the future. I’ve been a single mother from day one and the thought of having another kid was totally out of the question. For the first time in life I’m actually thinking about it and smiling at the thought of having a family with this guy. He has no kids of his own.

Do you feel his response to my question was a “he’s just not into you” thing or would you give it a little more time? October will make 6 months and I feel that may be more than enough time for him to make things official. He’s a Sagittarius, so I’ve hear they can drag their feet when it comes to commitments.

If he really feels that way, then I'm not understanding why giving things a title would be an issue. IME, guys use this kind of ambiguity as a "get out of jail free card". If he does end up messing with someone down the line, then you'll get the "but we weren't in a relationship" spiel.

I would say at the most, give it another month or 2. If he's still not ready to be official, I would probably cut down on the amount of time I'm spending with him and re-think the situation.

 

[PopLife]

Here’s the situation:
I’ve been dating this guy who’s been great, we started seeing each other April of this year. We were seeing each other only on weekends because he lived an hour away. He moved and he’s now 20 minutes away. We see each other 5-6 times a week and never get tired of each other. I’ve met all of his friends, we do a lot of outdoor activities together. We text throughout the day and things have been great. He’s attentive and touchy feely which I adore.

He’s 30, I’m 35. The other night I asked where was this relationship going. His response was “well it’s still early in the relationship, so I don’t feel we need the title girlfriend/boyfriend as of yet. We’re both exclusive, you’re the only one on my mind”. In another conversation he said that he realizes that my son is 19 years old and asked if I see myself having another child in the future. I’ve been a single mother from day one and the thought of having another kid was totally out of the question. For the first time in life I’m actually thinking about it and smiling at the thought of having a family with this guy. He has no kids of his own.

Do you feel his response to my question was a “he’s just not into you” thing or would you give it a little more time? October will make 6 months and I feel that may be more than enough time for him to make things official. He’s a Sagittarius, so I’ve hear they can drag their feet when it comes to commitments.

I was going to tell you to give it more time until I read this^...Sag's are notorious for dragging their feet.
Although you really like him, I would not fully commit to him...keep your options open, date other people. There is a possibility that he is not stringing you along but just to be on the safe side I would not put all my eggs in his basket....

 

[Sosoothing]

So you guys are already spending time with only each other? And doing things exclusive people do? I don't see why you can't put a title on it and already be girlfriend and boyfriend. 4 months is a decent time frame for you two to have a proper label on your relationship.

If a guy I liked and was spending lots of time with told me he wasn't ready to make me his girl after 4 months, I would stop spending as much time with him and start dating other men too.

If you are comfortable waiting then maybe you should. I answered based on what I would do if I were in your shoes so that's just me

 

[LivingInPeace]

No advice. I read this as you saying you were 30 with a 19 year old son!

 

[Lucie]

4 months is more than enough IMHO. Keep your options open. I wish you all of the best.

 

[emilymichelle]

no way in hell i would be considering a family (with a dude id been dating for four months) nor buying the "we dont need a title" (after four months). then again im not thirty five.

 

[Foxglove]

I better not see any Sag bashing in this thread

 

[nlamr2013]

no way in hell i would be considering a family (with a dude id been dating for four months) nor buying the "we dont need a title" (after four months). then again im not thirty five.

Yeah I'm 21 and I don't buy that.
Exclusivity without commitment isn't something my aunts or mom taught me.

 

[Adonia1987]

OP, I would start spending less time with him, and date around. Four months is more than enough to know. Men know right away if they want a relationship with you or not. I think he is too comfortable. He needs a wake up call. Don't waste your time with someone who doesn't want to commit to you. Don't force him to be in a relationship with you, but make him understand that if he doesn't, you will walk away.

 

[DarkJoy]

Yes that's some BS wishy washy nonsense he gave you. Sag or not (and im a sag rising dating a sag). We drag our feet, sure. But when we want something we go for it.

Cut down time together and watch him scrabble to label it. If not, then you know.

Don't make it easy on him. I've been seeing my sag almost as long as you. We see each other 1 to 2x a week. We also live 20 mi apart and in your same age group. We could see each other more but it's not good so early. We miss each other on our off days and that makes it all the better. It also makes us both work harder to lay a good foundation instead of getting lazy on both sides.

See where he stands by slowing it down

____________
*.~.*Sent from a distant Galaxy in the Unicorn-verse*.~.*

 

[C@ssandr@]

Date around. When he catches wind tell him "oh, I didn't know we were exclusive". but seriously, get your life back, get some hobbies and spend less time with him....he hasn't claimed you, so you don't need to be at all the family outtings.

 

[MizAvalon]

I agree with what everyone else has said. Slow it down and make yourself less available to him.

I wouldn't invest a significant amount of time in someone that didn't want to move forward. Not at 35 years old I wouldn't.

 

[*CherryPie*]

STOP SLEEPING WITH HIM, If you are, and date other people. He is a slippery one. He sounds like he's seeing other people...or wants to keep his options open just in case someone better comes along.

 

[hopeful]

I disagree with everyone . You have only been dating for four months and most of that time it seems has been long distance, only seeing each other on weekends. I do think seeing each other 5-6 times a week is overkill. He's getting too much of your time without a commitment IMO. I'd give it a couple more months and I would not bring up the bf/gf thing next time. If there are no titles by October I would start to fall back and start seeing other people. If he doesn't seem interested in titling up after two more months of living in the same city, I would then see a red flag.

 

[emilymichelle]

STOP SLEEPING WITH HIM, If you are, and date other people. He is a slippery one. He sounds like he's seeing other people...or wants to keep his options open just in case someone better comes along.

if?????? you mean to tell me im gonna have to play that bs coy game for months if i end up thirty five and single???

 

[hopeful]

STOP SLEEPING WITH HIM, If you are, and date other people. He is a slippery one. He sounds like he's seeing other people...or wants to keep his options open just in case someone better comes along.

Absolutely agree with CherryPie. I didn't even consider that you may be sleeping with him. If you are, I would stop immediately. He has no good reason to claim you if he can take all of your time and sleep with you without giving you a title.

 

[*~*Afrolicious*~*]

4 months is more than enough time for someone to properly claim you, especially when you spending nearly every day of the week with the person. I definitely think you should date around, I don't like how this dude doesn't recognize how awesome you to claim you properly.

 

[ScorpioBeauty09]

Four months is enough time, I don't care if he lived an hour away. I know people who've gone exclusive after a shorter period of time living farther away than that. He's dragging his feet. When you know, you know. Back away, OP and see what happens.

 

[emilymichelle]

Four months is enough time, I don't care if he lived an hour away. I know people who've gone exclusive after a shorter period of time living farther away than that. He's dragging his feet. When you know, you know. Back away, OP and see what happens.

for me exclusivity comes up generally within a month because im definitely not going to stop exploring my options - meaning if he wants me to stop dating other men (or if i am to consider no longer dating other men) the subject will naturally arise fairly early.

 

[ScorpioBeauty09]

for me exclusivity comes up generally within a month because im definitely not going to stop exploring my options - meaning if he wants me to stop dating other men (or if i am to consider no longer dating other men) the subject will naturally arise fairly early.

Exactly. Most relationships I know that have led to engagements/marriage, exclusivity came after a month or less. I know I don't need much more than that to decide if I want to be with someone or not. Whether I do or not I'll keep dating around until he makes his intentions known and if nothing happens I check out before I get too attached.

 

[Naveah2050]

I disagree with everyone . You have only been dating for four months and most of that time it seems has been long distance, only seeing each other on weekends. I do think seeing each other 5-6 times a week is overkill. He's getting too much of your time without a commitment IMO. I'd give it a couple more months and I would not bring up the bf/gf thing next time. If there are no titles by October I would start to fall back and start seeing other people. If he doesn't seem interested in titling up after two more months of living in the same city, I would then see a red flag.

I agree with this.

 

[tinkat]

blackgirlsareeasy.com has a blog called Exclusive but not official:

http://blackgirlsareeasy.com/2013/04/exclusive-but-not-official.html

I think you should read this. I read this a month ago and thought about a throwback when reading this. He was a sag too. I don't think all sags are horrible, but I can't deal with them.

I came back to add, that he is 30. Old enough to know what he wants by now. He is blowing hot air and I would fall back. I know all men are different. I am in a LDR and we are at least 9 hours apart. He asked for us to be committed after almost 2 months.

 

[Lenee925]

Man, I won't give advice but my ex begged to be exclusive after 3 weeks, gave me a ring after 6 months. I have got a few guys asking about marriage after a month to 3 months (no sex). They weren't the right guys for me lol but still, they didn't want me to be snatched up by anyone else. Believe me, I've got my time wasted by guys who didn't want to be exclusive with me too. I don't want to compare men but please go with your heart

 

[FoxxyLocs]

OP, I thought you were married?

 

[starfish79]

Here’s the situation: We see each other 5-6 times a week and never get tired of each other. We text throughout the day and things have been great. His response was “well it’s still early in the relationship, so I don’t feel we need the title girlfriend/boyfriend as of yet. We’re both exclusive, you’re the only one on my mind."

He's taking up all of your time to keep you occupied so he knows there is no competition but doesn't want to give you a title. He wants to keep you on reserve while keeping his options open. Please do the same.

 

[Starronda]

OP, I thought you were married?

Married? Never.

 

[Starronda]

Thanks for the GREAT advice ladies. I'll be cutting back on my time with him (his face last night was priceless when I told him I won't be coming over today after work). I'll keep busy with work and enjoying "me" time since my son will be going back to college soon.

I will give it another month or two. I refuse to bring it up again, and I will also keep my options open. Thanks so much!

 

[Holla]

He’s 30, I’m 35. The other night I asked where was this relationship going. His response was “well it’s still early in the relationship, so I don’t feel we need the title girlfriend/boyfriend as of yet. We’re both exclusive, you’re the only one on my mind”.

So many things went through my mind when I read these words.

...early in the RELATIONSHIP....don't need a title??? --> What relationship? What comes after "date" but before "girlfriend/boyfriend"? Is he just your "date"? Your "exclusive date"? Is that it? There is always a title to mixed gender interaction. From strangers to spouses, you can put a title to your interaction.

...only one on my mind --> But are you the only one he is SEEING? Are they one in the same? Hmm.

Pulling away may work but it could also cause problems if you don't explain why you're pulling back. He may simply think you don't like him as much any more and that's why you're pulling back. I would simply remind him of your earlier conversation (esp. since he thinks you are both "exclusive" something) and tell him that until you both decide to move forward, maybe it's best you don't see each other everyday.