To the ladies who are hurting right now (long)

[Demi27]

I know you’re hurt, confused and crying trying to figure out what went wrong in your relationship. Everything started out just fine. You met him and things changed. At some point, you started looking forward to his phone calls. You started thinking about him all the time. Then at one point you started thinking to yourself, “Hey. I think I could see myself with him for a long time.”

You had never been with someone like him before. Hell, for some you weren’t even going to give this man the time of day. However, somehow something he said got through to you..and once you let him in, it was over. LOL.
So, you decided to give him your all. You wanted to show him the type of woman that you could be. You were there for him. You tried to become his best friend and his lover. You wanted to prove that you were and could be different from any other woman he knew or had been with before.

But at some point, something changed. Those times that he seemed to enjoy with you so much now seem so far away. You’re asking yourself, “What happened? Where did I go wrong?” Then you notice he starts to pull away. At first you make excuses because you can’t possibly comprehend that the same man who spent so much time with you and was so helpful when you needed it most is now acting differently. The same man who held your hand, caressed your face, kissed you gently and made love to you is now turning into a person that you don’t know. Aside from a major tragedy happening, nothing has changed in his life except for how he now treats you. You wonder to yourself, “How could he say such sweet words and talk about our future and now act like this?”

You know you need to leave, but you can’t. You want to try and hold on to see if maybe something will change. Maybe this will pass. Then you start to blame yourself. Obviously YOU must have done something wrong. Now you go back, rethink and replay the last few conversations/arguments you had…ESPECIALLY THE LAST ONE. You’re wondering what you could have said or done differently that would have made a difference. You come to the forum for answers (since you can’t get them from him). This is your way of attempting to gain control of the situation. You don’t want to admit that you’ve allowed someone else to gain control of our emotions.

Well, I have been there. For the most part, there’s nothing that you could have done to make a difference. You have to realize now that since he can’t be there for you…YOU have to be there for you. I’m not (and never will …if I can help it) going to reprimand someone for staying in a relationship longer than they should. The only thing I will say and have said for years,(like someone else has said), if you know you should leave…know you’re not being treated right, but still decide to stay then be willing to live with your decision. It doesn’t matter what anyone tells you….doesn’t matter what kind of advice or “tough love” people want to provide. When you’re ready to leave, you’ll leave. PERIOD. You may have to leave him slowly (leaving them while you’re with them as my mom would say). Just realize that this is probably going to be one of the roughest times of your life. Understand that you may be in for many nights of crying and arguing. Also understand that if YOU don’t leave first and he leaves you…YOU WILL FEEL MUCH WORSE. If you’re going to be hurt while you’re with him, then you might as well gain control of the situation and get the upper hand by leaving.

Do I think people in bad relationships should leave? Yes. Definitely. I’ve had to do the same thing. I’ve also been the one who has stayed in a relationship MUCH longer than I should have. There was a time when I had to leave someone while I was still with them. However, it’s not my place to live for someone else. It’s not my place to examine and tear apart a relationship or a person’s character just by reading something on a forum.
I say all of this to say that you are not alone and know that at least one person (even though there are millions more) has been where you’re at and understands that it’s not always so easy to just walk away.

I know first hand (as most women on the forum do) that this is a very tough time for you. This is the first thing on your mind when you wake up and the last thing on your mind when you go to bed. We won’t even talk about the bad dreams you’re having (after you’ve cried yourself to sleep).

Stay strong.
Love me.

P.S. I’ve noticed a lot of OP’s either have to defend themselves or stop coming back into threads they’ve started. Just a word of advice (and I say this with love)..STOP PUTTING YOUR PERSONAL BUSINESS ON THE INTERNET. You’re already upset about your relationship. Why do you now want to be upset because people you don’t know have now offended you by what they write? Don’t you have enough to worry about right now?

 

[tiara76]

nice read mama

 

[Irresistible]

its sad and its process

and sometimes we just need a place to go

when someone comes here, of all places, yes one should realize it wasnt easy to do so and the choices must have been limited, but then sometimes its easier to talk behind a screen than with those the closest to you

I wish everyone would remember what you said here, cause if they havent been there, they very well could soon be

Great Post

 

[Demi27]

Thanks ladies.

 

[The Princess]

Sometimes I belive people that are in relationships that they know they should leave, just want someone with a clear head to examine it. TO help them with their decision. Or to give them that boost to leave. We are all women and need each other for support. We learn from on another. So if they feel comfortable with telling us their business, honestly they trust us for advice, so I say someone will always be hear to listen to you, but its up to them to take the advice.

 

[Imani]

...................

 

[Son26]

Great post. I agree with you.

 

[Bunny77]

this post is so true. I started to put my situation on here. But for real i already knew the answer. all my family, friends, and co workers were like naw leave him alone. and i did. But I wasn't comfortable w/the decision, bc it wasn't MY DECISION. I was torn, sad, crying, confused and let him talk his way back into my life. i told my best friend to not give his opinion anymore bc this was something i needed to figure out on my own.

Now, i'm not a very "religious" person in that i don't go to church. i do however pray. and i asked for the strength and wisdom to do what i needed to do. and I did. and this time it was all my own decision not anyone elses and I felt a lot more at peace w/it. and haven't even so much as shed a tear (i think i used em all up, there was no more left).

You know, this is wise.

I realize that for all of us -- myself included -- know when it's time to leave a relationship, but we're not ready to go just yet. I'd rather someone admit that to themselves and stay instead of going through the whole asking for advice and then doing the same thing song and dance... the person in the situation ends up making herself look bad and the people giving advice start thinking, "What's the point? She's gonna do what she wants to do."

We all have to handle things in our own time... and let's just be honest with ourselves about that.

(P.S. But make sure we are being extra serious about that protection though in the meantime!!! )

 

[Bunny77]

So, you decided to give him your all. You wanted to show him the type of woman that you could be. You were there for him. You tried to become his best friend and his lover. You wanted to prove that you were and could be different from any other woman he knew or had been with before.

But at some point, something changed. Those times that he seemed to enjoy with you so much now seem so far away.

Well, I have been there. For the most part, there’s nothing that you could have done to make a difference.

Tyefrmy, thanks for your post! I think every one of us can relate to this!

One thing I wanted to say though, was that there is something different we could have done. I think the reason this situation happens so often is because we let ourselves get caught up too early... most men chase and do wonderful things in the first 3 months (maybe 6)... so we let our guard down when technically, he hasn't really proven anything to us. You wrote that we want to show him this that or the other, but the question should be, what has he shown US? Men pursue women, right?

So then we start acting more committed than HE might actually be. Let's be honest, in some of these cases, he hasn't even declared exclusivity with us. Or if he has, we haven't been exclusive long enough to see how he can be in the long haul... but we're already "gone" and acting anywhere from girlfriend-y to wife-y to a man who still really hasn't shown us much.

When he backs off, he doesn't see it the same way as we do. He still hasn't necessarily made up his mind about us, so he sees it as perfectly normal to back away. And instead of us saying, "See ya," we come on stronger which gives him more justification to say, "Well, this is exactly what I'm talking about. She's smothering me... I can't handle this."

Now I'm not saying that we as women have done anything wrong or that he's right. But I'm just thinking back to the threads where some of the married ladies talked about how quickly their future husbands moved through the courtship process... obviously, there was something they did to prove themselves and it sounds as well like the women demanded a lot before they truly gave themselves to him in all sense of the word.

Instead of always being forced to do damage control after the fact, I think we need to take more control of our relationships from the beginning and start demanding more than a few dinners, phone calls, kisses, etc., before we decide that this is the one.... we could save ourselves a lot of grief that way!

 

[Imani]

Tyefrmy, thanks for your post! I think every one of us can relate to this!

One thing I wanted to say though, was that there is something different we could have done. I think the reason this situation happens so often is because we let ourselves get caught up too early... most men chase and do wonderful things in the first 3 months (maybe 6)... so we let our guard down when technically, he hasn't really proven anything to us. You wrote that we want to show him this that or the other, but the question should be, what has he shown US? Men pursue women, right?

So then we start acting more committed than HE might actually be. Let's be honest, in some of these cases, he hasn't even declared exclusivity with us. Or if he has, we haven't been exclusive long enough to see how he can be in the long haul... but we're already "gone" and acting anywhere from girlfriend-y to wife-y to a man who still really hasn't shown us much.

When he backs off, he doesn't see it the same way as we do. He still hasn't necessarily made up his mind about us, so he sees it as perfectly normal to back away. And instead of us saying, "See ya," we come on stronger which gives him more justification to say, "Well, this is exactly what I'm talking about. She's smothering me... I can't handle this."

Now I'm not saying that we as women have done anything wrong or that he's right. But I'm just thinking back to the threads where some of the married ladies talked about how quickly their future husbands moved through the courtship process... obviously, there was something they did to prove themselves and it sounds as well like the women demanded a lot before they truly gave themselves to him in all sense of the word.

Instead of always being forced to do damage control after the fact, I think we need to take more control of our relationships from the beginning and start demanding more than a few dinners, phone calls, kisses, etc., before we decide that this is the one.... we could save ourselves a lot of grief that way!

Bunny, i swear this is exactly what happened w/me to a tee. you hit the nail on the head. I have only recently started dating (at 25, yeah i know thats kinda weird) so this is all a learning experience to me.

 

[Bunny77]

Bunny, i swear this is exactly what happened w/me to a tee. you hit the nail on the head. I have only recently started dating (at 25, yeah i know thats kinda weird) so this is all a learning experience to me.

Nah, not really weird... I'm findin that a lot of "us" don't have a ton of dating experience in our early 20s...

I think I had my first experience like the one I mentioned above when I was 25 too. It went exactly as Tyefrmy said and I was all depressed and broken up about it... and then I realized that I WAS NEVER HIS GIRLFRIEND TO BEGIN WITH!!! But see, I got like, ZERO advice from people in my life because they don't have a clue how the dating world is today... and that just because a dude takes you out and spends some time with you doesn't mean he wants you to be his girl or that it's going to go anywhere.

I was absolutely shocked to learn this... I mean, I thought that if a man was doing all of this, that he really wanted to be with you, right? Boy did I have to learn!!!!

 

[TCatt86]

Nah, not really weird... I'm findin that a lot of "us" don't have a ton of dating experience in our early 20s...

I think I had my first experience like the one I mentioned above when I was 25 too. It went exactly as Tyefrmy said and I was all depressed and broken up about it... and then I realized that I WAS NEVER HIS GIRLFRIEND TO BEGIN WITH!!! But see, I got like, ZERO advice from people in my life because they don't have a clue how the dating world is today... and that just because a dude takes you out and spends some time with you doesn't mean he wants you to be his girl or that it's going to go anywhere.
I was absolutely shocked to learn this... I mean, I thought that if a man was doing all of this, that he really wanted to be with you, right? Boy did I have to learn!!!!

I learned that this year. I was taught that if a man spent time with you, gave you money, took you out, he wanted to be with you. But the fact of the matter is if he wanted to be with you he would tell you. Nothing is worse than loving a man like he is your man and he's not. I'm so happy for this board because the wisdom that I have acquired has helped me to be stronger and love myself deeper.

 

[SimpleKomplexity]

This is a good read.

When I first came to board, I was so clueless. I was coming out of my first relationship, and I come from a home where no one taught me about dating and boys except, "Keep your dress down." I don't have any older sisters, and my brother thinks I'm still in kindergarten lol. Who can blame him, I'm short, kute, and cuddly haha. My point is that I never had anyone to turn to.

I think when I first came here, I really needed to put my relationship on blast on here, because I needed to be put on blast with myself. I had a lot of growing up to do. I remember thinking that our relationship failed because of myself and my actions even though he was the one who cheated. I remember telling him that maybe our relationship failed because I didn't come from a loving 2 parent relationship. I never knew how to love blah blah blah, when I should have known love was all around me. I was clueless and I needed that moral support from the board to sort out things.

But now, I year later. I know the answers. I know the situation, heartache, and frusration liek the back of a book. And I know how to solve it...just leave.

I think many girls and women on here need an output to put themselves on the line for a minute, to gain a sense of reality...but as time goes on you should leaarn the answers like a book.

It is dangerous to put your personal info out here. You never know who is reading, which is why I have decided to start being mroe selective on what I talk about, but sometimes the net is your only outlook from your fantasy world/relationship

 

[MzLady78]

Tyefrmy, thanks for your post! I think every one of us can relate to this!

One thing I wanted to say though, was that there is something different we could have done. I think the reason this situation happens so often is because we let ourselves get caught up too early... most men chase and do wonderful things in the first 3 months (maybe 6)... so we let our guard down when technically, he hasn't really proven anything to us. You wrote that we want to show him this that or the other, but the question should be, what has he shown US? Men pursue women, right?

So then we start acting more committed than HE might actually be. Let's be honest, in some of these cases, he hasn't even declared exclusivity with us. Or if he has, we haven't been exclusive long enough to see how he can be in the long haul... but we're already "gone" and acting anywhere from girlfriend-y to wife-y to a man who still really hasn't shown us much.

When he backs off, he doesn't see it the same way as we do. He still hasn't necessarily made up his mind about us, so he sees it as perfectly normal to back away. And instead of us saying, "See ya," we come on stronger which gives him more justification to say, "Well, this is exactly what I'm talking about. She's smothering me... I can't handle this."

Now I'm not saying that we as women have done anything wrong or that he's right. But I'm just thinking back to the threads where some of the married ladies talked about how quickly their future husbands moved through the courtship process... obviously, there was something they did to prove themselves and it sounds as well like the women demanded a lot before they truly gave themselves to him in all sense of the word.

Instead of always being forced to do damage control after the fact, I think we need to take more control of our relationships from the beginning and start demanding more than a few dinners, phone calls, kisses, etc., before we decide that this is the one.... we could save ourselves a lot of grief that way!

Story.of.my.life.

It's ridiculous how many situations I've been in that went down this exact way.

I'm not tripping, though, cause those days are over.

 

[Syrah]

Story.of.my.life.

It's ridiculous how many situations I've been in that went down this exact way.

I'm not tripping, though, cause those days are over.

...and just like offline relationships, I think reading and seeing each other's posts we realize that we're not alone and that we can learn from each other's experiences. Sometimes I read the posts sitting at work and I'll say "damn" out loud because it is me to a tee. I read the responses, respond in my own right and try and make the changes.

I've put my own stuff out there before, read the responses and sat here thinking "damnit, that's not what I meant" and then later realized...I was wrong. The responses weren't what I WANTED but were also not telling me something I hadn't already considered and then tried to assuage myself by thinking "nah...but that's not what is going on right HERE".

Live and learn I say.

I settled in a one-way relationship on and off for 6 years. I tried, I tried, I tried. Nothing I did worked. It bruised my confidence, my self-esteem. I started looking around at my friends and seeing what they had and actually caught myself ACCEPTING that what I wanted may not be in the cards for me. Until one day, I realized, it's not supposed to work - relationships take effort but they shouldn't be a chore, and mine was. I had to let it go...and it's been one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. But I've learned from it. And I've learned a lot from the ladies up in here.

And I'm so much happier than I thought I could be.

 

[cocoberry10]

Great post OP! I'm not sure if this is based on a specific thread, or just in general, but I think you really covered it.

Often, IMO, when a person stays in a relationship that's not working, it's more about them then their SO. It's emotional to "let go," but it's necessary, especially if you will have the type of loving relationship you really want

Cliche as it sounds, the old saying is still true If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it's yours, if it doesn't it was never meant to be!"

 

[cocoberry10]

Sometimes I belive people that are in relationships that they know they should leave, just want someone with a clear head to examine it. TO help them with their decision. Or to give them that boost to leave. We are all women and need each other for support. We learn from on another. So if they feel comfortable with telling us their business, honestly they trust us for advice, so I say someone will always be hear to listen to you, but its up to them to take the advice.

I agree with this. However, I have also realized that some people don't want to let go. it's their right not to, but as the OP said, they will live with the consequences (good and bad) of staying. No one (at least not me, and most of the ladies I see on here) is trying to judge, but sometimes people think that tough love is what a poster needs to push them over the edge to end what is probably a destructive relationship!

 

[LivingDoll]

Op this is a great thread. Thanks. Although I've never really put relationship issues on here I am always supportive to those who do (or at least I try to be). I can't always give advice but I always say a prayer or tell someone that I'm sorry that they're going through tough times.

I'm a firm believer that we all know when we've had enough. It's something that no one else can tell you. When people get to that point, they always find the strength to do whats best.

 

[vestaluv1]

Typing 'your business' on here is sometimes just a form of release... and I think most of us already know the answers, but it helps all the same.

I'm only 26, but started dating at 18 and I could seriously write a book about all the dramas I have been through with men... SERIOUSLY. I have some crazy stories.
Sometimes I wonder why I had to go through so much, but at the same time, I am actually glad that I've had some of the experiences that I have had because I have learned so much and I now have the tools that I need to stop a disaster waiting to happen in its tracks.

And its so true: there is no need to rush into relationship... ... ABSOLUTE NO NO! People are so good at hiding what they really are and their background in the beginning.

I am not in a great place right now, but I know that every cloud has a silver lining. I have overcome a lot of c**p in my life and I WILL continue to do so if need be !

 

[Ms_Delikate]

Great post OP...I generally don't put my business out there but I try not to judge anyone who does that. I have really learned sooo much from this board even though I have a couple of sisters and close girlfriends to talk about personal things with. Sometimes when I hear that some women don't have close females to talk about stuff like this with my heart goes out to them.

 

[MzLady78]

Great post OP...I generally don't put my business out there but I try not to judge anyone who does that. I have really learned sooo much from this board even though I have a couple of sisters and close girlfriends to talk about personal things with. Sometimes when I hear that some women don't have close females to talk about stuff like this with my heart goes out to them.

*Raises hand*

I would be one of those woman.

I have 1 girlfriend IRL that I can talk to, and I don't even feel comfortable telling her everything some times.

I post a lot of my issues on here and I don't have any qualms about it. I've gotten some great advice and encouragement.

I wouldn't have recovered from certain situations as quickly as I did if it weren't for this board.

 

[Demi27]

Hi ladies. I posted it thinking about some of the threads I've seen on here, but then just thinking about myself and the bad relationships (YES...MORE THAN ONE) that I've been through over the years.

I've had more than enough heartache and I decided that I was not going to do what I did in the past.

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.

Let's just say I was going insane. LMAO!!!!