To stay or not to stay??? Please help!

[BroadstreetBully]

Okay, I've gotten to a point where I'm at a lost as to what to do. I'm so confused, and having so much on my mind isn't helping right now. I need the advice of the wise and experienced ladies here.

So I've been dating this guy for about 3 going on 4 months. When we first got together, it was exciting. He's funny and very caring. He's more into me than any guy I've been with. But at this point I feel something is missing, and I think I'm selfish for thinking so...

He's 11 years older than myself, I'm in my early twenties, and he's in his early thirties. His job pays pretty okay, but he has a semi expensive studio apartment (very very small) that takes up a good chunk of his bills. So he rarely has any money left over after he's payed everything.


When we first got together, he took me out quite a bit, and we had a good time. But now he never has money to do anything. At times I enjoyed just hanging out at his place, but now it's getting boring. I'm young...I want to go out and experience new things. Right now with his financial situation, I feel he can't handle that. I hope I'm not being a gold digger.

He's a great guy though. My car broke down on me shortly after we met, so he never minds picking me up when we hang out, and taking me home afterwards. Though I've never asked him to use his car to take me around for personal business...only to spend time with him--which is like once a week now. So I feel like he's provided for me financially in that respect.

HOWEVER, for the past month or so, I've been paying for all of our meals when we go out to eat. Granted he never asks me to take him out...I like to dine out occassionally, since I can afford if for myself...but paying for him aswell has been hitting my purse. I get stares from the people around us, and the server when I pull out my card to pay for our meal. Also he's asked me for money to help him do his laundry, as well as picking a few items up from the grocery store. I'm not used to it.

All of this has had me thinking whether or not I want to continue this relationship. I do care about him, and he's the first guy I've met who doesn't pressure me for sex, since I'm abstinent (though he is practicing celibacy himself). But I'm too young to commit right now...and for a guy to be so much older than myself, I shouldn't be paying for meals for him. He's been great in picking me up to hang out ever so often...but I thought guys were supposed to do that without feeling like you owe them?

Like the other day we went out to eat, and I asked him if he was going to pay for himself, and I'd pay for myself...he got angry that I would make him pay for myself...since he picked me up and had to drop me off.erplexed

I don't know what to do. I don't want to regret this. Please...share your knowledge and advice.

 

[Maa Maa omo mti]

maybe this wasn't his intentions but he's taking advantage of the situation and you. Remember a guy will only do what you allow him to do. By you offering several times to pay he took the opportunity when he saw it. You have a choice to either continue, stop it and don't see him again, or stop it and talk to him about it.

Often times guys and money talk don't mix so good luck with the third option if you choose to go with it.

Your feelings are right and you should trust it. You can go out all by yourself and guess what your paying just your bill not two.

he's a grown ass man, let him be that.

 

[AmyInAtl]

A man should never make a woman feel uncomfortable, if he does, that may be your cue.

 

[Afrikaisi]

OK I don't know if this will help, alot of times we already know the answer and we ask others only not to do what we know to do or what others who are wise tell us to do.

I think you need to get rid of him. I am sorry, but ANY man that is not ashamed of not being able to take care of his woman and pay for her meal is NOOOOO GOOOOOOOD! I mean he is 30 something years old he should know better. you do not need to add his foolishness to your life, you are young, do not let him suck the life out of you. We as women are always trying to date the fixer upper, you are not going to help him, you are handicapping him.

Try talking to him about the situation and see what he says. If he blows up and doesn't come back to apologize, BECAUSE HE IS IN THE WRONG, then you really need to keep it moving! Do you and let him find another sugar moma.

 

[firecracker]

Uh baabee you know he ain't da man fo you. Helz he ain't the man for his damn self Your way too young to be dealing with a broke kneegrow that is 11 years your senior. Men will try to wine and dine then stop once they get you but you damn sho ain't got to accept that mess. How you start is how you finish in my book.

Dump his *** quick via Dear John letter.

 

[WhipEffectz1]

Uh baabee you know he ain't da man fo you. Helz he ain't the man for his damn self Your way too young to be dealing with a broke kneegrow that is 11 years your senior. Men will try to wine and dine then stop once they get you but you damn sho ain't got to accept that mess. How you start is how you finish in my book.

Dump his *** quick via Dear John letter.

Thanx!!! I'm gonna let my friends know about this terrm!! I remember that show years ago!!!!

 

[Farida]

It sounds a bit shady. At his age he should be a lot more financially responsible if not stable. What state do you live in?

On another note, though I understand your concern about his finances, you shouldn't be ashamed about people seeing you picking up the tab. Even married women will occasionally "pay for hubby" (even though it is their money). It's 2007, don't let other people make you feel ashamed of handling business.

If you aren't feeling this guy perhaps you should end things here. If it is something new (the poverty), perhaps you should try and find out what's going on, did he hit hard times or is he a gambler, did he get laid off, is he a bad budgeter?

 

[Keen]

Everyone already stated what I was thinking. I just wanted to add another vote to you dropping him or at least stop paying for his stuff and taking him out to see how he react. If the relationship evolved because you are doing for him, he'll dump you.

 

[winterinatl]

Have you asked yourself why a man his age isn't with a woman his own age? Because he knows they won't accept this situation, so he goes with young'ns instead. Drop him, he is using you. It's only been a few months, there is no need for you to bend over backwards for this dude. I know the whole "he's a good guy BUT" feeling, but you have to see the situation for what it is.

 

[BroadstreetBully]

Wow, thank you all so much for your responses. Everyone here has given WONDERFUL advice!!

Now that I think about it, it really makes since now. He's going through rough financial times because of the amount of bills he has, which could be due to the fact that he hasn't lived on his own as much as a man his age should have.

From the time he graduated school until now he's lived at home. So he just isn't used to budgeting and living on his own. I mean we all go through hard times and all...but here is a thirty something year old guy who has never been married and has no kids, with a degree and only himself to worry about. I do not demand a lot from him financially, and have been more than willing to return the favor occasionally, but doing it all the time, and having him make me feel guilty when I don't...it just...odd.

And the last few relationships he's been in...with ladies closer to his age have gone up in flames...perhaps they expect more...which they should. I am not asking him to take me to fancy dinners and the theatre and such...but a few times a month when I want to go out I don't expect to have to pay for a grown man... Especially someone who told me he was financially secure BEFORE we started dating.

It's going to hurt to let him go, since I really do care about him. And I keep wondering "what if"...he might make it big later and I'll feel horrible for not sticking with him. But there is more to this equation than money. He's a lot more immature than most guys his age. He's been too sheltered all of his life. Also, he's white, and his parents are prejudiced. His father will be coming to visit him in a few weeks...and I won't even be able to meet him...because his father will NOT allow it. I am WAY too young to have to worry about all this. We can always be friends. But right now I really do need to be single.

Thanks alot ladies. Now I need to figure out how to break all of this to him...

 

[firecracker]

Oh snap! No wonder your getting strange looks. Your shelling out money for da wyte man to eat! STOP DA DAMN TRAIN CUZ NOW MY *** IS GETTING DIZZY!!

REALLY MY PRIOR ADVICE HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH COLOR MORE ABOUT A MAN BEING A MAN. I trip when I hear about men getting mad when a woman realizes she doesn't want to play the role of the man in the relationship.

 

[MissYocairis]

Well I am glad you are cutting this leach loose. and I am oh so irritated that he has you believing that picking you up and dropping you off is considered "generous" or "good looking out" or something. Look if a man wants the pleasure of your company and getting to know you then he's gotta pick you up....PERIOD. He isn't doing YOU a favor...it's just a requirement and it doesn't carry any cool points. Congratulating him for always picking you up is like congratulating someone for paying their rent on time....congratulations aren't in order. That is his obligation if he wants to see and date you.

Please do not ever deal with men who are willing to accept you paying their way. A good man is not comfortable with that kind of thing. That's how you will know the difference.

 

[BroadstreetBully]

Oh snap! No wonder your getting strange looks. Your shelling out money for da wyte man to eat! STOP DA DAMN TRAIN CUZ NOW MY *** IS GETTING DIZZY!!

REALLY MY PRIOR ADVICE HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH COLOR MORE ABOUT A MAN BEING A MAN. I trip when I hear about men getting mad when a woman realizes she doesn't want to play the role of the man in the relationship.

I know right!? I'm feeling ridiculous myself.

 

[BroadstreetBully]

Well I am glad you are cutting this leach loose. and I am oh so irritated that he has you believing that picking you up and dropping you off is considered "generous" or "good looking out" or something. Look if a man wants the pleasure of your company and getting to know you then he's gotta pick you up....PERIOD. He isn't doing YOU a favor...it's just a requirement and it doesn't carry any cool points. Congratulating him for always picking you up is like congratulating someone for paying their rent on time....congratulations aren't in order. That is his obligation if he wants to see and date you.

Please do not ever deal with men who are willing to accept you paying their way. A good man is not comfortable with that kind of thing. That's how you will know the difference.

Yeah, I figured that, but I wasn't sure whether or not a man was expected to do that in the 21st century. There would be no question about this a few decades ago, and I never expected this sort of behavior from a guy who told me when we first met that he was into "old fashioned courting."

Thank you for the great advice.

 

[Sasha Fierce]

I'm glad you made the decision to break it off with him.

 

[firecracker]

Red don't feel bad. You live and you learn. I know the part about him accepting your celibacy was a major factor in your sticking around. I feel your pain because its challenging to find someone that respects your choice to abstain from sex. Good luck and stay positive.

 

[Keen]

Yeah, I figured that, but I wasn't sure whether or not a man was expected to do that in the 21st century. There would be no question about this a few decades ago, and I never expected this sort of behavior from a guy who told me when we first met that he was into "old fashioned courting."

Thank you for the great advice.

It is sad that the younger women are accepting going dutch more and more. I aint doing it. Not because I want the guy's money but because I want the security of knowing he can take care of his family on his own if we get married.

You're doing a lot for a man whose family won't even accept you... Which can only tell me this relationship would not materialized and all your efforts to help him financially would have been to set him up to be successful for his future wife Becky to stay home, take care of their children and possibly homeschool.

 

[Maa Maa omo mti]

Wow, thank you all so much for your responses. Everyone here has given WONDERFUL advice!!

Now that I think about it, it really makes since now. He's going through rough financial times because of the amount of bills he has, which could be due to the fact that he hasn't lived on his own as much as a man his age should have.

From the time he graduated school until now he's lived at home. So he just isn't used to budgeting and living on his own. I mean we all go through hard times and all...but here is a thirty something year old guy who has never been married and has no kids, with a degree and only himself to worry about. I do not demand a lot from him financially, and have been more than willing to return the favor occasionally, but doing it all the time, and having him make me feel guilty when I don't...it just...odd.

And the last few relationships he's been in...with ladies closer to his age have gone up in flames...perhaps they expect more...which they should. I am not asking him to take me to fancy dinners and the theatre and such...but a few times a month when I want to go out I don't expect to have to pay for a grown man... Especially someone who told me he was financially secure BEFORE we started dating.

It's going to hurt to let him go, since I really do care about him. And I keep wondering "what if"...he might make it big later and I'll feel horrible for not sticking with him. But there is more to this equation than money. He's a lot more immature than most guys his age. He's been too sheltered all of his life. Also, he's white, and his parents are prejudiced. His father will be coming to visit him in a few weeks...and I won't even be able to meet him...because his father will NOT allow it. I am WAY too young to have to worry about all this. We can always be friends. But right now I really do need to be single.

Thanks alot ladies. Now I need to figure out how to break all of this to him...

oh hellz no girl oh hellz no!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

he's white? oh hellz no!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

did you put up with his crap because of that? oh hellz no!!!!

that was the last thing I expected to see. oh hellz no!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

drop him with a quickness dear John straight up!!!!!!

 

[Laginappe]

It is way too close to Sunday for me to be cussin this much.

Forget him and his issues. YOU are the one I want to shake. WHY is this even a question? You got a male who shows you that:

1) I don't want to live within my means
2) I expect a woman to not go half, but to carry me because... well I just don't feel like it.
3) I'm not willing to work to prove I'm worthy of a woman's attentions.
4) I've decided a woman who's not of my race is not good enough to meet my family. BUT I still expect her to pay for me to have a nice night out on the town.

I have to stop here because I like my monitor and if I keep typing I might put my fist through it.

I ask again... WHY is this EVEN a question? And if this is your definition of a nice guy, I'm seriously terrified over how you think a bad guy might behave.

This guy is using you. Your only saving grace right now is that you haven't slept with him. Thank God. But listen to what he's telling you and I don't mean the words coming out of his mouth.

I have to defer to Dr. Laura here. Worthy men will willingly swim through shark infested waters to bring you a glass of lemonade. Any male who doesn't have that mindset is not worth your time, attention and MUCH LESS YOUR MONEY!

You stick with him and I'd bet hard money that five years down the line you'd either be ranting over his failure to parent and support your children, or you'll be engaged and figuring out how to pay for a wedding on your own ('cause he doesn't have the money or the desire to pony up) and there will be tons of drama surrounding said wedding because he's too much of a racist and a punk to deal with his family in relation to you.

Stop wasting time.

 

[caribeandiva]

Uh baabee you know he ain't da man fo you. Helz he ain't the man for his damn self Your way too young to be dealing with a broke kneegrow that is 11 years your senior. Men will try to wine and dine then stop once they get you but you damn sho ain't got to accept that mess. How you start is how you finish in my book.

Dump his *** quick via Dear John letter.

LMAO!! i agree with this whole post. Dump him quick and don't look back. He's too old to be that broke for goodness sake. He's also taking advantage of you. Unacceptable!

 

[misskris816]

I too am in my early twenties and also dating an older man. I don't believe you should feel guilty regarding the way you are feeling. One of the reasons I typically date older men is because they usually have more to offer (ie:career, knows who they are as a man, financial stability, etc). Personally, if I wanted to date a man that has financial issues then I'd date someone my own age, not someone 10+ years older than me.

Also, he shouldn't make you feel guilty for not wanting to pay for his meals. You are a lady and should be treated as such regardless of his less than ideal financial situation. He's the one who bought an apartment that he can barely afford, not you. Yes, he might pick you up because you no longer have a car, but he should be doing that because he wants to spend time with you...and no other reason. People are supposed to make sacrifices for others because it's the right thing to do, not because they expect anything in return and it doesn't seem like he knows this. Him picking you up doesn't entitle him to a free meal at your expense.

 

[Everything Zen]

One final series of thoughts to help you put the final nail in the coffin for this relationship:

1. You should check out the thread "When a man loves a woman how does he show it?" and the "Act Like A Goddess Get Treated Like One" threads. From what you have said about him not letting his father meet you as a grown man in his thirties is highly disturbing and basically what he is telling you is he is ashamed of you. If I date someone outside of my race, the rule is I have to meet your family first and they have to accept me or we're through. Then I take my time in deciding if this person is worth it to bring home to meet my family.

2. I know everyone's experience is different but we seem to be in the same kind of situation: I am dating a white man 11 years older than myself right now for about the same amount of time and I am 25. He takes me out to dinner whenever I want and I met his mother a month after we started dating when she flew into town and she loves me. I have met all of his close friends and hung out with all of them on many occasions. He refuses to just let me pay and I have only paid to go out on a handful of occasions under unusual circumstances (once while we were out of town for work his cc was stolen and I took him out for his birthday). If I go and buy groceries for him, it's with his money. He takes my car and gets it cleaned and detailed and if we take my car he always fills up my tank with his money. For what it's worth, it sounds like I'm with a man that doesn't even make as much money as your guy.

3. Money aside how does he make you feel? What else does he do that lets you know that he cares about you and treats you well? My man and I have been friends for over a year first and recently started dating in July. We're in a non-sexual arrangement as well and like one of the other ladies on the board said I know how hard it can be to find someone like that. He respects my desire to wait for marriage and he has already talked about marriage on multiple occasions. I know money can get a little funny sometimes but he can still show you that he cares for you. My man cooks dinner for me on days when we want to save a little cash or he'll make us lunch at home and bring it to my job. I love to cook but he says he likes to take care of me- so I only cook when I really want to wow him. There are so many other activities you can do on the cheap that are just as fun and way more romantic. We go for long rides on his motorcycle and take a picnic lunch. We're gearing up for a day trip in his car to watch the leaves change, visit a vineyard and a farm on the way to get a pumpkin to carve. He massages my feet and rubs them with cocoa butter more often than when I even ask. He's learning how to do my hair. GIRL- He even offered to scratch my dandruff for me!!! If that ain't love I don't know what is!!!

Sorry I didn't mean to turn this into a "Hey look at me brag about the love of my life" rave but I thnk it helps sometimes when you're on the fence to hear how other women are being treated by their SO/DH. I think it can give you a little perspective on your own relationship. Sometimes we women put up with some serious BS simply because we don't know any better and we don't know that there is anything better to look for. BELIEVE ME- I've been there. A good man is a blessing not a source of discomfort and confusion. HTH Good luck!

 

[WomanlyCharm]

It is way too close to Sunday for me to be cussin this much.

Forget him and his issues. YOU are the one I want to shake. WHY is this even a question? You got a male who shows you that:

1) I don't want to live within my means
2) I expect a woman to not go half, but to carry me because... well I just don't feel like it.
3) I'm not willing to work to prove I'm worthy of a woman's attentions.
4) I've decided a woman who's not of my race is not good enough to meet my family. BUT I still expect her to pay for me to have a nice night out on the town.

I have to stop here because I like my monitor and if I keep typing I might put my fist through it.

I ask again... WHY is this EVEN a question? And if this is your definition of a nice guy, I'm seriously terrified over how you think a bad guy might behave.

This guy is using you. Your only saving grace right now is that you haven't slept with him. Thank God. But listen to what he's telling you and I don't mean the words coming out of his mouth.

I have to defer to Dr. Laura here. Worthy men will willingly swim through shark infested waters to bring you a glass of lemonade. Any male who doesn't have that mindset is not worth your time, attention and MUCH LESS YOUR MONEY!

You stick with him and I'd bet hard money that five years down the line you'd either be ranting over his failure to parent and support your children, or you'll be engaged and figuring out how to pay for a wedding on your own ('cause he doesn't have the money or the desire to pony up) and there will be tons of drama surrounding said wedding because he's too much of a racist and a punk to deal with his family in relation to you.

Stop wasting time.

PRRREEEEAAAACCCCH! I was too upset to even write this coherently, thank you Lag for bringing the truth!

redriot, you are smart, I know this for a fact, and you and I both know you deserve better than this!
DUMP THAT SORRY ASS!!!!

 

[BroadstreetBully]

Another thanks to those who have responded.

Jenfleets, reading your response really got me to thinking.

I don't think it would be fair to label this guy a deadbeat, as I do not believe he is a deadbeat as much as I believe him to be a sheltered and immature, too much for my tastes.

In the beginning, things were going great. He took me out, sometimes we stayed at his place, and he'd throw in a frozen pizza. When I talked to him about me doing the BC, he was very supportive, and even volunteered to cut it for me. He's honestly not a bad guy. He's just childish, and hasn't learned responsibility, after so many years under his parents. THAT'S why I'm breaking it off. He's gotten too comfortable with me taking care of him, the way he's used to back at home. I can't handle it.

Thanks to all who have responded so far. It really mean a lot that you all care.

 

[Dare~to~Dream]

Oh snap! No wonder your getting strange looks. Your shelling out money for da wyte man to eat! STOP DA DAMN TRAIN CUZ NOW MY *** IS GETTING DIZZY!!

Oops...my bad original poster but that was just too dang funny! LMAO. I'm glad you have resolved this issue/decided what you want to do with the help of the advice you have received in this thread.

 

[MariposaSexyGirl]

Don't let that nan play you girl!

 

[MariposaSexyGirl]

Don't let that man play you girl!

 

[Britt]

Oh snap! No wonder your getting strange looks. Your shelling out money for da wyte man to eat! STOP DA DAMN TRAIN CUZ NOW MY *** IS GETTING DIZZY!!

I needed this laugh right here


I agree with the other ladies. I say get rid of him. You are wayyyy tooo young to feel like this. I am going through a ROUGH break up right now, and it sooo was not worth it. I feel like I don't even know myself outside of my mess of a relationship the past 2 years. I feel like part of my 20's are gone.... I was 23 when I made the decision to fukc my life up for the next two years. Please be careful who you let into your life, if you feel the slightest bit uncomfortable NOW, don't ignore that feeling b/c things may only get worse. Seriously, at 30 something, w/no kids and a degree.... he should be a bit more together. Please, please don't waste your time if you don't feel it's worth it, b/c once that time is gone, you can never get it back .

 

[Britt]

Well I am glad you are cutting this leach loose. and I am oh so irritated that he has you believing that picking you up and dropping you off is considered "generous" or "good looking out" or something. Look if a man wants the pleasure of your company and getting to know you then he's gotta pick you up....PERIOD. He isn't doing YOU a favor...it's just a requirement and it doesn't carry any cool points. Congratulating him for always picking you up is like congratulating someone for paying their rent on time....congratulations aren't in order. That is his obligation if he wants to see and date you.

Please do not ever deal with men who are willing to accept you paying their way. A good man is not comfortable with that kind of thing. That's how you will know the difference.

DITTO to this entire post !!!!!!!


I wish I knew this 2 years ago.... I soooooo wish I put this advice here into effect.

 

[Everything Zen]

Another thanks to those who have responded.

Jenfleets, reading your response really got me to thinking.

I don't think it would be fair to label this guy a deadbeat, as I do not believe he is a deadbeat as much as I believe him to be a sheltered and immature, too much for my tastes.

In the beginning, things were going great. He took me out, sometimes we stayed at his place, and he'd throw in a frozen pizza. When I talked to him about me doing the BC, he was very supportive, and even volunteered to cut it for me. He's honestly not a bad guy. He's just childish, and hasn't learned responsibility, after so many years under his parents. THAT'S why I'm breaking it off. He's gotten too comfortable with me taking care of him, the way he's used to back at home. I can't handle it.

Thanks to all who have responded so far. It really mean a lot that you all care.

Now those are some really good reasons to break up with someone. I'm sure he's not a "bad guy" but once you find someone who really sweeps you off of your feet you'll be amazed at what you put up with in the past.