"Can't give you what you deserve right now"

[godzchildtoo]

http://www.unforgettablewoman.net/manmagnet.pdf

I found this...its a good little read.

Go head with your tactful self girl! Because there I was in Chapter 1, "The Monster of Neediness"....geez, who knew?!!!

 

[WhoIAm]

godzchildtoo , I'm a little confused. If you told him you were not ready for a relationship, then what exactly is the problem? I get the not calling, but by your choice you were not in a committed relationship, so outside of common courtesy, he really didn't owe you anything. Ya'll were just friends with benefits. You caught feelings and did not re-negotiate your status. Lesson learned.

I don't see anything wrong with you being intimate with him and I understand what accelerated those feelings. I loved what he did for your dad and grandfather and that may be the type of man he is...or it may be from page 124 of the players handbook. However, there is no point regretting anything. At the very least you learned what not to do again and had good sex for the last 3 months (I hope it was good)

 

[Naveah2050]

GODzchildoo thanks for the background, i agreed with most the ladies in here but after what you just posted am no longer sure...am a die hard romantic, maybe you should just take it slow with him and get to know each other abit more before jumping into a romantic relationship. He seems like a good guy.

 

[Thiends]

.............................

 

[BeautifulFlower]

I would take it slow but I'd give him a chance. He seems like a wonderful guy.


Sent from my iPhone using LHCF

 

[ambergirl]

OP thanks for the update and background.

Don't let your fear or pride get in the way of exploring this relationship further.

Building a strong relationship with someone isn't always about getting it 100% right all the time. This guy has a strong track record of caring for you and yours in a time of need. That's a sign of character. He didn't call you which was neglectful and you went off on him which was inappropriate. If both of you are willing to take responsibility for the part you played in this and figure out how to best care for each other in the future that's the best you can hope for. That's what the best relationships are about at the end of the day.

 

[ebonylocs]

Actually, I think he's telling you the truth. He honestly can't focus on you and business at the same time. And because you two aren't in a committed relationship, he feels no obligation to contact you.

Men are just wired that way when they are grinding. I don't think you overreacted but I do think if you want to keep him around, 'going off' is not the approach you would have wanted to take. I think once he reaches where he needs to be, you'll likely hear from him or when he begins to miss you.

I agree with this. Three days isn't that long. A lot of men will go into themselves when they are working on something really stressful. In fact, I think I'm the same way.

Since you guys are not in a committed relationship, I do think you overreacted, and I think you should cut him some slack, allow him some space, then when he bounces back to you, you can renegotiate the terms of your relationship.


ETA:
After reading your update, my opinion remains the same. He sounds like a good guy. But you are the only one who knows whether he is worth another try.

 

[UmSumayyah]

^^^ Zaynab, great advice. I need to keep some of those things in mind if I ever start dating again.

WHEN you start dating again!

 

[Guitarhero]

I do expect respect and courtesy......... did I mention he's a self-proclaimed serial monogamist?! ............. we were not in a committed relationship, he's a great cook and cooks for me often (irrelevant, but I thought about missing those meals ), I used to see him about 4-5 days a week, he works a mile from my job and so he invited me to stay at his house Monday through Friday. I refused a permanent arrangement, but slept over often.

I don't understand what you expected out of him. If he told you he runs through women, then why are you angry that the inevitable happened to you? But it wasn't a committed relationship. You slept with him or just over his home with his family present??? I mean, the guy is busy and not serious or you're just not the one to tie him down.

Cut your losses and find the right guy. You're extremely lucky to have caught on early.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

Awww...well honestly godzchildtoo, NOW that you've given us some more background history and information, I think this guy actually sounds more like a keeper. I mean, not too many guys would have gone out their way for a woman and her family so soon like that. I mean, you guys JUST met and he was very supportive and helpful even! That's very rare. He does seem like he moves kind of fast, but at the same token, I think some intensity from the man is good in SOME respects. Too many men these days have become lazy, complacent, and just too "comfortable" doing the bare minimum in order to "catch" a woman. This man sounds like he must really like & care for you OP.

Am I going to give him another chance? I honestly don't think so. When you say you "can't give me what I deserve", I just believe you. I didn't like what I felt behind that and probably won't give him an opportunity to say it again. On the other hand, in retrospect, the whole thing seems significantly stupid! And I won't pretend I don't feel a twinge of disappointment/regret today...if I could start the day over, I might choose not to call. But I believe things happen for a reason...so we'll see. Thanks again.

Now...on your mark, get set, go!!!

Awww... Well, I think (and this is just MY opinion here!) that maybe you're being a little too hard on him right now. I think you handled the phone conversation very well, and I'm glad that you set the bar and basically hinted to him that he needs to focus on his business deals and if he wants to get in touch with you, he's going to have to call YOU. The main thing that changed my mind is the fact that he still wanted to contact you and call you AFTER he told you that he was "busy" and didn't feel like he could give you what you wanted. Trust me, men get discouraged very easily...especially if they feel like they can't make a woman happy.

Since he's apologized and seems genuinely sorry for putting you on the back burner during this difficult time, I think it would be best to just be light and happy, and go about your own business with an OPEN mind. Don't close your heart off TOO quickly! I really think he likes and cares for you OP. Let him call you daily if he wants to. But don't be too salty or else he will probably get discouraged again, and will start to view you as an obligation once more. You NEVER want a man to view you as an "obligation".

Plus, imo...if you act TOO mean/standoffish towards him, this almost gives the man (in MY mind) the impression that you care too much about him and care TOO much about the fact that he's not in your life. I mean, don't you have a life of your own? YOu want to be so absorbed in your life, that him missing a call here and there doesn't impact you TOO much. Now if he's being downright neglectful and ignoring you, then that is cause for cutting things off. But I don't see him doing that here. I see him being very open and honest about where he is in his life right now, and if you personally don't like him or can't honestly see yourself being involved w/a man who has a lot going on in his business life at the moment, then by all means....cut things off with him. BUT! If you do deep down like and care for him, and feel like his stress right now is only something temporary, then by all means, don't try to punish him by cutting things off, or make him feel bad by being standoffish. Men have feelings too.

 

[Zaynab]

I agree with every single word of this post...
If a guy is reallllly into you... he'd be happy to hear from you. I'm not talking about calling every 5 minutes... but you can let your guard down some. I think it's those dudes that are 'too busy', or have other things going on, or he's just not as much into you are you are into him that behave a certain way. I do feel like it's too much eggshells, and 'game playing' at times. I get the gist of the game playing and it's helpful indeed but at the end of the day, the guy is either really into you, or he isn't... the 'rules' do help to kinda keep things in check and spicy tho

I still feel like men need to do the pursuing. It doesn't matter how busy a man is or how much you think he wants to hear from you and how much you want to hear from him, make sure the effort is on his end. I think you're mistaking what I'm saying with trying to woo a man that's "not into you" into BEING into, not so. If a man is into you, busy or not, he will pursue.

 

[Zaynab]

Good evening Ladies! Again, thanks for your feedback. I'll give a few more details; I think some assumptions were made because of the lack of history. And I am not offended by anyone sharing their true observation and opinion. By posting, I'm giving you free reign to be honest and frank.

@Crystalicequeen123, yes I heard from him. He texted me last night about a half hour after I started the thread. The text said, "I'm very sorry. It's been a long day, week and year with the business and I took it out on you. I don't want to lose you. Can we talk?"

Now...the update for everyone: I didn't talk to him last night because I didn't see the text. When I arrived at work, he had left a voicemail at work again, saying he was sorry and could we talk. I texted him back, telling him I was sorry too, focus on his deal and we'll talk later. He called me immediately and said almost verbatim something in you all's posts...that he felt I had "chastised him rather than support him", which made him feel "obligated" to me vs. just being able to care about me. He felt as if I didn't appreciate what he has shared with me and just assumed something bad about him just because he didn't call. He said he never saw that discussion or intended that statement as the end of our "relationship". He also shared a lot about what he's going through with his business right now, it's a rough time for him and his business in this market. I listened, apologized and told him to focus on the deal. He asked when we could talk, I said I don't know. He said he would give me some time, but would it be ok if he checked in with me daily just to see how I was doing and if I needed anything. I had to laugh at the irony! I told him again, focus on your deal.

Now a few more relevant details: Things did go fast for us (perhaps too fast) just out of happenstance. The day after I met him, there was a huge snowstorm here. I live an hour away from my Dad and Granddad and their power went out when it was about 30 degrees outside. He offered to bring them to his house and I said no because I had just met him. The next day he called me and I was distressed because their power was still out and I was concerned. The repairmen couldn't get to them because of the mounds of snow. This guy, who I had just met the day before, but who lives closer to them than me...took the bus to my Dad's house and shoveled out the driveway and sidewalk. Then he called me and told me he could either go in and introduce himself and take them to a warming shelter or I could call 911 and tell them they would be able to get to them now. He moved up a notch in my heart that day...very quickly.

2 days later my Dad had a tumor removed from his chest via a 13 hour surgery, this guy who I had met 5 days before, was there in the morning with coffee, in the afternoon with lunch and that evening at 10:30 p.m. he brought me a home cooked meal. My Dad was in ICU for 7 days, this guy didn't miss a day coming by to sit with me. Again, we developed a bond quickly.

As for the lack of commitment, my choice. It seemed too good to be true, was going fast and I had a lot going on with family so I just didn't move for anything permanent. I wasn't sure yet, wasn't focused and didn't think it was the right time. He asked could we talk about our status and where we stood around end of month 1, I said not yet. He said ok. He asked me to consider moving in about the end of month 2, I said no..he said "I ain't asking you no more." I laughed and kept it moving.

Did I sleep with him? Absolutely! And have no regrets about it (other than the sin consideration). I wanted to share myself with him physically and felt enough passion and emotion to be comfortable doing so. I know this is not everyone's practice or approach, and honestly not my usual practice in terms of the timeline, but I'm just keeping it real. And although I saw him 4 to 5 times a week, I did not sleep at his house every time I saw him, nor did I sleep with him every time I saw him. But it was on a regular basis and I was a voluntary participant and/or the initiator.

I'm going to take it all in and keep my own lessons learned from this experience in the forefront of my mind in the future. Again...definitely could have done some things differently. I know yall are going to have a field day with the new information, so I'll go get my popcorn.

Am I going to give him another chance? I honestly don't think so. When you say you "can't give me what I deserve", I just believe you. I didn't like what I felt behind that and probably won't give him an opportunity to say it again. On the other hand, in retrospect, the whole thing seems significantly stupid! And I won't pretend I don't feel a twinge of disappointment/regret today...if I could start the day over, I might choose not to call. But I believe things happen for a reason...so we'll see. Thanks again.

Now...on your mark, get set, go!!!

Thanks for more background information. I agree with you though, not calling after three days and we have a sexual relationship....ahhh... I would have been bothered. He may have been busy but people make time for what they want, so I never buy that, five minute phone call does'nt take much at all. It may have been the emotional approach to the no contact for three days that threw him off and landed you all where you are now, etc. the obligation you mentioned. Good luck OP!

 

[MissJ]

OP, I think you moved to fast - no matter what he was doing. 3 months is a short time, yet you're spending quite a bit of nights over at his house and meeting his family early. You were the one acting like you were in a committed relationship, so when he didn't call you were pissed. He was focused on his work. I think you overreacted. But I do commend you for realizing this is not what you want and moving on. A lot of women would still stick around trying to change him.

She wasn't acting like she was in a committed relationship all by herself. She couldn't spend all those nights at his house if he didn't invite her. She couldn't meet his family or his son if he didn't introduce her to them. Maybe he was doing those things to get her to let her guard down faster. Regardless of the reason, she was living in his house as his romantic interest. Going from seeing/sleeping with someone almost daily to not hearing from the person for three days should have raised a red flag for her, and she handled it the way she felt like she needed to handle it.

 

[LiftedUp]

This is a literally "his loss" scenario. The question now is what will you do when he comes crawling back... cuz you know he will

eta: Now read the update, didn't know he came back already lol