To all the "Other Women" out there

[Farida]

for the ladies saying that we should stop blaming the woman, this is not a thread about saying it is a woman's fault, rather but one to understand the psyche of a woman who seeks an attached man.

 

[envybeauty]

for the ladies saying that we should stop blaming the woman, this is not a thread about saying it is a woman's fault, rather but one to understand the psyche of a woman who seeks an attached man.

I don't know if anyone else said it, but I did.

I take issue with it because the underlying premise is that the woman is "seeking" out the man (as your post also states). Most of the time, it is the married man seeking out the single woman. He is the one approaching her. He is the one propositioning her. Yes, she should resist, but he is the one seeking her out. Some of them are ruthless in how they doggedly pursue single women with their wives at home.

I am not defending such extramarital affairs but if people would stop looking to the woman and turn to these lowlife men who seek after what they should not be seeking, life would be better for all.

eta: if we were to change the premise and truly recognized that it is the married man who seeks the single woman, there would not nothing to understand as to her psyche. would one question the psyche of the deer when it is the lion hunting him down......

 

[JFemme]

I don't know if anyone else said it, but I did.

I take issue with it because the underlying premise is that the woman is "seeking" out the man (as your post also states). Most of the time, it is the married man seeking out the single woman. He is the one approaching her. He is the one propositioning her. Yes, she should resist, but he is the one seeking her out. Some of them are ruthless in how they doggedly pursue single women with their wives at home.

I am not defending such extramarital affairs but if people would stop looking to the woman and turn to these lowlife men who seek after what they should not be seeking, life would be better for all.

Focus seems to most often fall on the woman (self esteem lacking or no) to uphold some measure of integrity, self respect...

Low self-esteemed women wont disappear from the earth anytime soon.

 

[envybeauty]

Focus seems to most often fall on the woman (self esteem lacking or no) to uphold some measure of integrity, self respect...

Low self-esteemed women wont disappear from the earth anytime soon.

true.

as a woman who has in the past been chased by some dogs (can't even call them men), it seems disturbing to think that it is i who should be under the microscope every step of the way. the focus, imo, is misdirected. it should be turned towards the bastards who will try *anything* to get at a good single woman.

 

[Farida]

I don't know if anyone else said it, but I did.

I take issue with it because the underlying premise is that the woman is "seeking" out the man (as your post also states). Most of the time, it is the married man seeking out the single woman. He is the one approaching her. He is the one propositioning her. Yes, she should resist, but he is the one seeking her out. Some of them are ruthless in how they doggedly pursue single women with their wives at home.

I am not defending such extramarital affairs but if people would stop looking to the woman and turn to these lowlife men who seek after what they should not be seeking, life would be better for all.

eta: if we were to change the premise and truly recognized that it is the married man who seeks the single woman, there would not nothing to understand as to her psyche. would one question the psyche of the deer when it is the lion hunting him down......

Let's say it was he who approached her, what makes this woman see him as a suitable mate?

I personally believe the weight of the blame rests on the person who took vows, but I would not entertain the advances of a taken man and so that's why I question the psyche of a woman who does. Some may not believe in marriage or whatever, but many of the ones I know stay with a man and truly believe he will leave his wife someday, even when it has been years...

 

[cabellera]

Low self-esteem? Hmmmm..... dunno about that. For some, it's more like a "power" thang. Control perhaps. Especially if its a "No strings attached" kind of a relationship, the female is not looking for the "happily ever after" and has little to no compassion for the little woman at home, 'cos she thinks that if the marriage was all that terrific he wouldn't be there with her and she didn't tell him to make the decision to break his marriage covenant. IMO, a marriage should always "THRIVE" and not be simply a "ball & chain" with the idea that the man is "suppose" to be faithful and vice versa. The "relationship between Husband & Wife should always be thriving with communication, love, support, fights, make up sex, discussions, etc.

I have friends that have been in all kinds of relationship circumstances that I wouldn't personally want to be in, but I don't judge them, however I do caution some.

 

[cheeks87]

I am not defending such extramarital affairs but if people would stop looking to the woman and turn to these lowlife men who seek after what they should not be seeking, life would be better for all.

eta: if we were to change the premise and truly recognized that it is the married man who seeks the single woman, there would not nothing to understand as to her psyche. would one question the psyche of the deer when it is the lion hunting him down......

Because this is a board full of woman. The title says "To all the 'Other Women' out there". If this board had its fair share of men then we could do a spinoff thread "To all the 'Other Men' out there", but...we don't.

I definitely don't agree with portraying the woman as the victim. Just poor prey to a predator husband. Why can't we just blame both of them and be done with it? I don't care how much a married man is pursuing me, I will not date him.

 

[abordeaux]

What about a woman who becomes involved in a relationship with a man that she didn't know was married? By the time she finds out (whether by him informing her or otherwise...) she's already emotionally invested in him and their "relationship". Can she be blamed then?

 

[winterinatl]

I don't know if anyone else said it, but I did.

I take issue with it because the underlying premise is that the woman is "seeking" out the man (as your post also states). Most of the time, it is the married man seeking out the single woman. He is the one approaching her. He is the one propositioning her. Yes, she should resist, but he is the one seeking her out. Some of them are ruthless in how they doggedly pursue single women with their wives at home.

I am not defending such extramarital affairs but if people would stop looking to the woman and turn to these lowlife men who seek after what they should not be seeking, life would be better for all.

eta: if we were to change the premise and truly recognized that it is the married man who seeks the single woman, there would not nothing to understand as to her psyche. would one question the psyche of the deer when it is the lion hunting him down......

I agree. I don't know of many (really, any) ladies who purposely set out to date a married man. The man that snookered me lied to me outright, when I found out he was gone.

Now, for the ladies that DO seek them out, well, I think it's about low self worth or non-value of marriage as well.

 

[winterinatl]

What about a woman who becomes involved in a relationship with a man that she didn't know was married? By the time she finds out (whether by him informing her or otherwise...) she's already emotionally invested in him and their "relationship". Can she be blamed then?

Yes, because part of being grown and responsible is realizing that even though you are in love, it can never be. Rather, if you want the fairy tale ending, it can never be with that particular lying ass man. Once you find out, you bounce. And really, once you see the signs, you need to man up, read the writing on the walls, investigate, whatever, then leave the man alone. Period. Anything else is being selfish.

 

[FlowerHair]

What about a woman who becomes involved in a relationship with a man that she didn't know was married? By the time she finds out (whether by him informing her or otherwise...) she's already emotionally invested in him and their "relationship". Can she be blamed then?

She can only be responsible for what she knows, so if she breaks it off after she learned the truth, I can't blame her for anything...

And like other said, it's actually the married man who is responsible for his marriage, not strange women out there...

Some women have never been treated well by any man and thinks this is as good as it gets.

 

[firecracker]

blame the married men and not the women. society needs to stop blaming the woman. a woman cannot get with a man if he doesn't want to stick it to her. literally.

Men/people do what we allow them to do. Married means off limits in my book no matter how many married men approach me. How would I rationalize my accepting seconds when I have the capability and track record of being numero uno in a mans life.

If he is married he can't be your man until he gets a divorce.

The original post is about a woman being a married man magnet and the dynamics behind the woman allowing this to happen in her life repeatedly. The operable word is 'allowing'. That married man is only allowed into your heart and mind if you allow it to happen.
Loving yourself means saying no to bs you know will have a negative effect on your life and happiness.
I know women that accept second place for NBA money via having a married mans child and I also know a few that got caught up. The same low self esteem and lack of self worth exist within these types of situation from what I have seen. That tired excuse it was too late I caught feelings and that is all that approach me is quiet telling of ones sense of self worth because no one can force you to stay in that situation. If one wants to rationalize cheating and dating a married man by saying its not my fault he approached me by all means do so but remember how you got him. Also expect that fool to start something before he finishes it thru out your dealings because that's what he did when he got with you. Some folks do handle their business that way which is their choice but point the blame at your damn self.

 

[firecracker]

I don't get it. I am insulted if a married man tries to get with me. Pretty much what he is saying is that "I think that you are a slut who will settle for a little piece of a relationship and believe all my lies because you are stupid and don't deserve any better."

That is exactly how I feel and I would tell that fool to keep it moving because I have options and married men damn sho aint one of them. LOL His vows but its my *** & happiness at stake if I induldge.

 

[firecracker]

Good for you !!!

After more consideration it also occurred to me the husband's self-esteem is never/ rarely called into question...

Whats up with that ladies...

Off, like a diabetic toe... I like that ! Yep, she sounded like bad news..

He is a ho too but he already has a relationship . If I am single and want my own man he wouldn't and couldn't be a candidate due to his status. By the way no one is giving cheating men a pass except the women that allow the cheater in their mist.

 

[MissMasala5]

I don't know if anyone else said it, but I did.

I take issue with it because the underlying premise is that the woman is "seeking" out the man (as your post also states). Most of the time, it is the married man seeking out the single woman. He is the one approaching her. He is the one propositioning her. Yes, she should resist, but he is the one seeking her out. Some of them are ruthless in how they doggedly pursue single women with their wives at home.

I am not defending such extramarital affairs but if people would stop looking to the woman and turn to these lowlife men who seek after what they should not be seeking, life would be better for all.

eta: if we were to change the premise and truly recognized that it is the married man who seeks the single woman, there would not nothing to understand as to her psyche. would one question the psyche of the deer when it is the lion hunting him down......

Which was the GF's position, so I would have believed. All of the replies brought up good points. I wondered, is there something about her that these men recognize subconsciously that gives them the green light? Or is she lying about always attracting these types and is in reality the one doing the pursuing? Or a mix of both?

 

[syze6]

I think these married men's self esteem is just as low as hers. They just don't get called out on it. Any man who cheats in his marriage, has issues that go beyond his wife. He is showing a lack of respect first for himself and his wife. He ultimately is showing you what his relationship with God is like. If he doesn't think twice about his vows, that speaks volumes to what he believes!

Men are just as insecure as women, they do a better job at hiding it. Outside affairs are all about making him feel good about him. When he chooses this outlet it shows you exactly the issues he has within himself. I guess that's why he attracts a women who has issues within herself also.

 

[MrsQueeny]

Low self-esteem? Hmmmm..... dunno about that. For some, it's more like a "power" thang. Control perhaps. Especially if its a "No strings attached" kind of a relationship, the female is not looking for the "happily ever after" and has little to no compassion for the little woman at home, 'cos she thinks that if the marriage was all that terrific he wouldn't be there with her and she didn't tell him to make the decision to break his marriage covenant. IMO, a marriage should always "THRIVE" and not be simply a "ball & chain" with the idea that the man is "suppose" to be faithful and vice versa. The "relationship between Husband & Wife should always be thriving with communication, love, support, fights, make up sex, discussions, etc.

I have friends that have been in all kinds of relationship circumstances that I wouldn't personally want to be in, but I don't judge them, however I do caution some.

ITA, that is why I say there are different perspectives. But in most cases it does have to do with moral and esteem issues. Q

 

[PinkPeony]

What is it about married/attached men that makes it so easy or desirable to get with them?

I have a GF that recently complained to me that she is a married man magnet. She has been seeing a married man on and off for several years, and was involved with a man that lived with another woman for a while. She was not able to explain what it was all about, and is trying to figure it out for herself, too. But it always works out that way: the men who hit on her and who she will talk to-- all of them are hooked up with another woman. What's going on here?

IMO she is attracting what she's looking for.
When I was single and a married man hit on me I immediatly lost interest,also men that were in relationships weren't even on my radar at all.

 

[JerriBlank]

Thanks for the replies. After consideration, I feel that in her case it is a combo of:

1. low self-esteem
2. feeling that no man would find her worthy of the #1 and only one position
3. her upbringing


For #3, she grew up with an abusive single mom that taught her that men were no good and only about one thing. This childhood I think contributed greatly to #1. She had issues with being overweight and in her eyes, unattractive, this, #2. She was close to 300 #'s when I met her and today fits a size 12-14, her hair has gone from a TWA to SL locs, and her bad acne has all but disappeared. I have seen her confidence levels shoot up. But the one thing that has not changed is that penchant for attracting the taken ones. FYI, I have cut her off as a GF b/c I learned that she went to my DH's job w/o my knowledge to have lunch. He was not there, so she flirted with his coworkers while there, all of whom are married. I was told that she introduced herself as my DH's friend--no mention of me! So, off she goes like a diabetic toe.

She got you messed up!!!You def did the right thing
Ain't no telling where else she might have tried to take it

What the.......!?!?!?!?!

Homegirl was asking for a chop in the neck.
Damn skippy!!!! A straight karate chop to *** up her breathing!

I think these married men's self esteem is just as low as hers. They just don't get called out on it. Any man who cheats in his marriage, has issues that go beyond his wife. He is showing a lack of respect first for himself and his wife. He ultimately is showing you what his relationship with God is like. If he doesn't think twice about his vows, that speaks volumes to what he believes!

Men are just as insecure as women, they do a better job at hiding it. Outside affairs are all about making him feel good about him. When he chooses this outlet it shows you exactly the issues he has within himself. I guess that's why he attracts a women who has issues within herself also.

So very true
Excellent post!
I think that some women do not even KNOW that men may have self-esteem issues,because they do not expect it.
__________________

 

[envybeauty]

Because this is a board full of woman. The title says "To all the 'Other Women' out there". If this board had its fair share of men then we could do a spinoff thread "To all the 'Other Men' out there", but...we don't.

I definitely don't agree with portraying the woman as the victim. Just poor prey to a predator husband. Why can't we just blame both of them and be done with it? I don't care how much a married man is pursuing me, I will not date him.

I agree that both parties should be blamed ....to an extent.

Most married men LIE to the single woman to lure her in the first place. They LIE and get away with it because you can't always google "mr. and mrs. so and so" to find out if the bastard is married when you meet him. If most men were up front about their wives, there would be a lot less of them with single women today.

I blame the man from the get go because he knows he is married and he knows he should not seek another, and he knows he is lying about it to the single woman when he meets her.

I blame the single woman if AFTER she learns of the marriage, she stays with him instead of kicking him to the curb.

 

[envybeauty]

I think these married men's self esteem is just as low as hers. They just don't get called out on it. Any man who cheats in his marriage, has issues that go beyond his wife. He is showing a lack of respect first for himself and his wife. He ultimately is showing you what his relationship with God is like. If he doesn't think twice about his vows, that speaks volumes to what he believes!

Men are just as insecure as women, they do a better job at hiding it. Outside affairs are all about making him feel good about him. When he chooses this outlet it shows you exactly the issues he has within himself. I guess that's why he attracts a women who has issues within herself also.

i agree with this.

at first, i thought their self-esteem must be pretty high if they think they can approach a single woman and truly believe she should want to share a man that is already taken. as if..

but after reading this post, i understand that the man's self-esteem must be low such that he is seeking a boost by thinking another woman wants him.

i see this even with men that are not married. they will tell their girlfriends about the different women that chased them, told them they were cute, etc. i guess to get the girlfriend to recognize that yes they are still desirable because x,y,z said so. all the while i saw this as cocky when it really could be low self-esteem.

 

[abordeaux]

Yes, because part of being grown and responsible is realizing that even though you are in love, it can never be. Rather, if you want the fairy tale ending, it can never be with that particular lying ass man. Once you find out, you bounce. And really, once you see the signs, you need to man up, read the writing on the walls, investigate, whatever, then leave the man alone. Period. Anything else is being selfish.

I agree with what you and FlowerHair said. Although, I would sympathize with a woman in this position. How many women do you know that were/are in a relationship with a man that was sooo wrong for them (for whatever reason) but couldn't just break it off? Easier said then done in this case.

Disclaimer: I've never been the other woman.

 

[tocktick]

Yes, because part of being grown and responsible is realizing that even though you are in love, it can never be. Rather, if you want the fairy tale ending, it can never be with that particular lying ass man. Once you find out, you bounce. And really, once you see the signs, you need to man up, read the writing on the walls, investigate, whatever, then leave the man alone. Period. Anything else is being selfish.

i totally agree. even if i had been fooled by a married man, when i find out i would be deeply angry at what he had done. supposing that i did have emotions invested in him, his deceit and lying would be about enough to make sure that i would be making a very swift exit from the "relationship". imo, in such situations, the man the woman thought she fell for is not the real man that she's with. he has presented her with some false illusion. imo, if she stays that's when she is in the wrong as she is now aware of the facts and furthermore, she is stupid.

 

[ALWAYZL8]

She ended up pregnant again and call me and ask if she could have my sons baby clotheserplexed and if she could come by my house to get them. I told her no and I don't allow women that date married men in my house and hung up on her. That WITCH.

I can just picture you saying this to somebody!!!

 

[berry87]

Oh no she didn't

She ended up pregnant again and call me and ask if she could have my sons baby clotheserplexed and if she could come by my house to get them. I told her no and I don't allow women that date married men in my house and hung up on her. That WITCH.

 

[firecracker]

Yes, because part of being grown and responsible is realizing that even though you are in love, it can never be. Rather, if you want the fairy tale ending, it can never be with that particular lying ass man. Once you find out, you bounce. And really, once you see the signs, you need to man up, read the writing on the walls, investigate, whatever, then leave the man alone. Period. Anything else is being selfish.

Exactly.

 

[firecracker]

I agree with what you and FlowerHair said. Although, I would sympathize with a woman in this position. How many women do you know that were/are in a relationship with a man that was sooo wrong for them (for whatever reason) but couldn't just break it off? Easier said then done in this case.

Disclaimer: I've never been the other woman.

To the bolded I did! I can love you and leave your ***. It may hurt but at least I'll have my diginity and intergrity intact. I know someone that mother messed with a married man for years and allowed this mess in front of her daughter. Her daughters didn't think to highly of either party once they grew up and realized the dynamics of the relationship. You have to love yourself and move on to an available man. NO EXCUSES!

 

[abordeaux]

To the bolded I did! I can love you and leave your ***. It may hurt but at least I'll have my diginity and intergrity intact. I know someone that mother messed with a married man for years and allowed this mess in front of her daughter. Her daughters didn't think to highly of either party once they grew up and realized the dynamics of the relationship. You have to love yourself and move on to an available man. NO EXCUSES!

I don't disagree with you. But it's easier to say what you would do or what someone else should do, than to to actually do it. Anyone can say, "I'd drop his *** so quick...!" But when they are actually in the situation, their actions may be completely different.

 

[LaShanne]

I was in that exact situation. I left my husband because he is a serial cheater. Yes, I loved him desperately when I left, and my pain felt unbearable but I walked anyway because I love myself MORE! It was the only way to preserve my own self-worth, value, integrity...

 

[LaShanne]

Men/people do what we allow them to do. Married means off limits in my book no matter how many married men approach me. How would I rationalize my accepting seconds when I have the capability and track record of being numero uno in a mans life.

If he is married he can't be your man until he gets a divorce.

The original post is about a woman being a married man magnet and the dynamics behind the woman allowing this to happen in her life repeatedly. The operable word is 'allowing'. That married man is only allowed into your heart and mind if you allow it to happen.
Loving yourself means saying no to bs you know will have a negative effect on your life and happiness.
I know women that accept second place for NBA money via having a married mans child and I also know a few that got caught up. The same low self esteem and lack of self worth exist within these types of situation from what I have seen. That tired excuse it was too late I caught feelings and that is all that approach me is quiet telling of ones sense of self worth because no one can force you to stay in that situation. If one wants to rationalize cheating and dating a married man by saying its not my fault he approached me by all means do so but remember how you got him. Also expect that fool to start something before he finishes it thru out your dealings because that's what he did when he got with you. Some folks do handle their business that way which is their choice but point the blame at your damn self.

ITA!!! Women need to take responsibilty for their OWN actions, regardless of what that married man says or does. He can only have sex with you if you ALLOW him in your bed!!!!