When to Bust Out a Man to His fiancee???

[OneInAMillion]

I had the opportunity to bust someone ironically his name was J as well. I saw him a his wife to be at Walmart of all places. What makes it even crazier is that they were in the same aisle that I needed to pick up items from. The look on his face was priceless..he thought I would say something. I didn't say a word(although I wanted to). I felt as though revenge was not mine, he will get his just due. I'm sure she knew what she was getting into. The next day he called and thanked me for not exposing his trifling self. Fast forward 4 years later they are still married and he his still creeping.

That's horrible!!!

This has happened to me too...basically having the chance to put a cheater on blast to the girlfriend or fiance. I never did--in both cases, the guys were known as shady and had reputations for that kind of behavior so there was no point. I'd just stay out of it completely, because guys that act like this will show themselves over and over again.

 

[ixoyegodisgood]

I swear.... reading these stories on this forum just make me want to live in my apartment and keep to myself from this day forward. Good grief. ETA I know this is a small small segment of the population, but I see these exact same stories in my real life. I mean...really is there anyone on the up and up anymore?

 

[Guitarhero]

I swear.... reading these stories on this forum just make me want to live in my apartment and keep to myself from this day forward. Good grief. ETA I know this is a small small segment of the population, but I see these exact same stories in my real life. I mean...really is there anyone on the up and up anymore?

I think it's because people are prone to a broken heart. Scary. Scariest, these are potentially deadly situations just right around the corner. No longer are they stories from that country or the neighborhood over there and I'm talking the spread of disease. My stuff is on major lock-down and I'm scared to use it, ever.

 

[Almaz]

Its crazy out there. I here these stories all the time at the women's center I am at and it amazes me. A lot of the women are looking for love in all the wrong places and they get hurt really bad. I am saying that women There I am not saying all. but some of these men are sociopaths and their communities allow that type of behaviour as boys will be boys or He ain't a man unless he juggling multiple women.

Or the best I have heard MY WIFE is married but I am not.

No No No No No

 

[MissJ]

That's the mentality so many of the men have.

I know this woman who went OFF telling everybody her and her husband's business the day before Valentine's Day, because she found out last year that he was cheating on her with 4 women at once. He had two in a different country, one in the next state, and one here.

I knew something was up with him, when he, an older man, was riding around in a two-seater Mercedes, while she drove a small economy car. She didn't find out until one late night, one of the other women called his phone and asked her who she was!

What's worse, is she was 38 and a virgin when he asked her to marry him. Now this crap!

 

[MissJ]

I think it's because people are prone to a broken heart. Scary. Scariest, these are potentially deadly situations just right around the corner. No longer are they stories from that country or the neighborhood over there and I'm talking the spread of disease. My stuff is on major lock-down and I'm scared to use it, ever.

I'm a little bit confused. I thought you said you slept with him 4 months ago. Also, if that is true, I think he already sowed his oats with the black woman. I'd say he's looking for seconds.

 

[anon123]

I know, but the whole construction of the sentences and paragraphs still didn't make sense! I could see how a non-native speaker would be like,

Yes, it was odd phrasing. Let me rephrase for you and Flower. There was a guy you used to date. You might have married him, but it didn't work out. You two break up and move on with your lives.

The guy later gets engaged. He is scheduled to get married in a few days. He calls you requesting sex as a last fling before marriage. What should you do? Should you tell the spiritual/marriage counselor that he propositioned you? Should you tell his soon to be wife? Or should you do nothing.

 

[discobiscuits]

It's truly not due to jealously. I'm being cryptic but it ain't me at all. I'm trying to pass on advice b'cuz I was asked what exactly to do. There were 2 streams of advice.

This is the clencher. I think some HIV tests are in order!!! Because some people are so holy, they don't think they'll have need of sex education. So it just happens and the community has seen more than it's fair share of the disease, wondering how they got it . Some people are too stupid to use protection because they figure out that the gates of holiness are going to protect them. Ahem. But I'll pass on the advice.

re jealousy i meant to type "be seen as..."

re your last paragraph: huh????

so does he have hiv do you? did he give it to you? or are you saying in general she should ask they both get tested?? is it b/c they are uber religious that she thinks he's been sexually pure the whole courtship & he hasn't?

i mean if you KNOW some factual info for sure that could harm her then by all means tell asap but if it is solely b/c he asked u for some booty then really, she won't believe you or listen to you and most importantly, he didn't sleep w/ u so it does not matter to a certain extent.

if it were me, i would tell the spiritual leader and let them decide what to do w/ the info.

 

[ambergirl]

...

 

[Supervixen]

The right thing to do is to tell, but, in this situation, I think you should forget it and move on. Forget them and let them get married; Mrs. J-man will soon see the light.

Plus, if she doesn't know you, why would she believe you over her man??? You'll just seem like a jealous ole conquest of J-man's...

 

[discobiscuits]

even w/ all the rl stories, we all know the real deal. even if we were the fiance, if some female, yes i said female & it is not in an offensive way, came to us and told us our soon to be hubby tried to hit it, would we believe her? most of us would not and even if we entertained the allegation at all, he would most likely deny it. if he was the one foo-el that said yeah i did ask but....blahblahblah....how many would still marry his butt? very few women would entertain the woman, believe her & leave him or at least hold off.

 

[panamoni]

After reading the thread and thinking about it, I'm starting to see things differently. I am wondering if the motive for telling should be taken into account, and not say anything to the fiance or spiritual advisor after all, because him getting married is really not your issue. His fiance will eventually see the real him (and chances are she's had plenty of signs thus far) and act or not act on that information.

What is your issue is him propositioning you and how that impacted you. You should set him straight -- let him know that he's not to do that, etc., and set a consequence, but maybe that's it.

IDK, just another thought.

 

[blaqueskimo]

Big question: What is in it for you?

Let sleeping dogs lay, chances are she isn't going to believe you anyway and he will mos def flip the script on you. Again, what is in it for you? Why do you feel the need to disclose this bit of information? Are you trying to save her or burn him? You will not be seen as a savior but rather a desperate woman, even though you will let it be known to all that you do not want him. Mmmmkay

I agree leave it alone. All they're going to see is you being a jealous woman of color mad he didn't choose to marry you. Be glad you're not standing in her shoes and just leave it alone.

 

[dimechiq]

I would surely want to know. I'd make sure it got back to the fiance somehow. She needs to know. What she does with it I wouldn't care. I would just feel obligated as another woman to make sure she knows what she's marrying.

 

[dimechiq]

whether it would stop the wedding or not
or if you just want to make the fiance aware

this guy needs to be placed on front street. why should we as women let men get away? the only thing she can do is tell. the fiance can do what she wants with it.

also no all women don't know they are with scum bags. I've dated guys that I sure wished someone would have told me. and cheating spouses means increased exposure to the no cure in sight HIV. That alone is enough for me to warn her and let her decide.

even after marriage that red flag will be in the back of her mind.

 

[FlowerHair]

I know, but the whole construction of the sentences and paragraphs still didn't make sense! I could see how a non-native speaker would be like,

Thank you Bunny

Yes, it was odd phrasing. Let me rephrase for you and Flower. There was a guy you used to date. You might have married him, but it didn't work out. You two break up and move on with your lives.

The guy later gets engaged. He is scheduled to get married in a few days. He calls you requesting sex as a last fling before marriage. What should you do? Should you tell the spiritual/marriage counselor that he propositioned you? Should you tell his soon to be wife? Or should you do nothing.

Thanks That made it a whole lot clearer!

 

[Bene]

Thank you, Mwedzi, for the translation I'm a native English speaker and that didn't make sense to me either.




If I don't know his fiance, then I'd politely decline and stay out of it.

 

[ThickHair]

Other than him wanting to get busy with "that person", nothing else is "that person's" business. They should take care of their "home" before diping in someone else's. They may want to think why a guy in a so called "relationship" is asking to get into their pants. What is lacking with them that he gets the vibe that he can ask such a question?

If he knows her and she is a woman that doesn't get down like that, he would have never thought to approach her.

I am not trying to call her out, I just want to give her a little food for thought. Some woman are proud that they attract married and attached men, like they don't know why. Come on now, if ya leave food out don't be surprised when ya have roaches. Guys have no respect for themselves when they do this, nor do they have respect for their partner and the women they approach.

*** Edited to change pronouns.*****

 

[ThatJerseyGirl]

hold up...wait a mu'phuckin minute.....

*lights up a blunt, pours me some henny...dis hea is too good for a newport...imma hafta upgrade to a blunt*

~~puffffff n plucks ash~~

You use to mess if dis boy a few months back, now he's engaged to marry someone else in a few *looks at watch* hours, and someone (prolly him) is HIV+ and spreadin da gift dat gives, and u wanna tell da leader of this religious organization........spiritual advisor, or whateva. And dis same said guy who propositioned you is burnin, he hidin behind da "cloth" and u want him outted cuz dis is a close-knit religious community and others could possibly be affected by all of this...

dayum. so "Hot Balls" is runnin round burnin folks huh.... so lemme git dis hea straight....

*takes a long sip n a long puff*

did u go n getcha self checked out too??? i mean, cuz if u say sumfin, then i'm thinkin they'll be lookin atchu like...wtf.... like what kinda concrete proof do u have....omg....

da hell kinda phuckery is dis hea.....

lemme sit back n sip on dis one...brb

 

[ThickHair]

hold up...wait a mu'phuckin minute.....

*lights up a blunt, pours me some henny...dis hea is too good for a newport...imma hafta upgrade to a blunt*

~~puffffff n plucks ash~~

You use to mess if dis boy a few months back, now he's engaged to marry someone else in a few *looks at watch* hours, and someone (prolly him) is HIV+ and spreadin da gift dat gives, and u wanna tell da leader of this religious organization........spiritual advisor, or whateva. And dis same said guy who propositioned you is burnin, he hidin behind da "cloth" and u want him outted cuz dis is a close-knit religious community and others could possibly be affected by all of this...

dayum. so "Hot Balls" is runnin round burnin folks huh.... so lemme git dis hea straight....

*takes a long sip n a long puff*

did u go n getcha self checked out too??? i mean, cuz if u say sumfin, then i'm thinkin they'll be lookin atchu like...wtf.... like what kinda concrete proof do u have....omg....

da hell kinda phuckery is dis hea.....

lemme sit back n sip on dis one...brb

TJG where have you been? I have already had 3 Newport one hunits. HOT BALLS, girl you need to stop.

 

[Guitarhero]

re jealousy i meant to type "be seen as..."

re your last paragraph: huh????

so does he have hiv do you? did he give it to you? or are you saying in general she should ask they both get tested?? is it b/c they are uber religious that she thinks he's been sexually pure the whole courtship & he hasn't?

i mean if you KNOW some factual info for sure that could harm her then by all means tell asap but if it is solely b/c he asked u for some booty then really, she won't believe you or listen to you and most importantly, he didn't sleep w/ u so it does not matter to a certain extent.

if it were me, i would tell the spiritual leader and let them decide what to do w/ the info.

Sigh, trying to just present the facts cryptically and still get asked if its me. NOO! It could be that HIV is a factor as it's rampant in that particular religious community because of ignorance. Now there's fear about it. Mistakes were made. I guess that if testing were in order, then definitely, fiancee should be alerted re: any positive results. That's the factor remaining, the testing. Did I say....NOOOOOOOOOO, it's not me! My role is to give advice. 4 Days is not sufficient time anyway. Sad scenario, positive or negative results, because the damage has been done. This is why women need to control their environment and their bodies. Always!!!

 

[ThatJerseyGirl]

ummm...ok. well, why all da cryptic shyt den. we don't know these people...hell, imma need u to dummy it up cuz we havin a hard time tryna unda stand where u comin from...

and if da damage has already been done, then there is nuffin u can do. das it n das all.

WASSUP THICKHAIR!!!!! chile puleez...tryna read n undastand dis hea message, i'm still blazin on dis blunt.....and now i'm somewhat twisted. maybe i need to sober up...lolol...

 

[Guitarhero]

hold up...wait a mu'phuckin minute.....

*lights up a blunt, pours me some henny...dis hea is too good for a newport...imma hafta upgrade to a blunt*

~~puffffff n plucks ash~~

You use to mess if dis boy a few months back, now he's engaged to marry someone else in a few *looks at watch* hours, and someone (prolly him) is HIV+ and spreadin da gift dat gives, and u wanna tell da leader of this religious organization........spiritual advisor, or whateva. And dis same said guy who propositioned you is burnin, he hidin behind da "cloth" and u want him outted cuz dis is a close-knit religious community and others could possibly be affected by all of this...

dayum. so "Hot Balls" is runnin round burnin folks huh.... so lemme git dis hea straight....

*takes a long sip n a long puff*

did u go n getcha self checked out too??? i mean, cuz if u say sumfin, then i'm thinkin they'll be lookin atchu like...wtf.... like what kinda concrete proof do u have....omg....

da hell kinda phuckery is dis hea.....

lemme sit back n sip on dis one...brb

I love you, Madea! Well, it's a possibility. See how dangerous this messing around is? I'm saying it could be a factor. That is what I advised. I would want to know if I were the fiancee. But what she would do with that info is on her. I'd leave it at the door and go about my business. Cryptic, well, doesn't work for LHCF lol. Fingers are pointing and what not I'm just saying that this could potentially be a dangerous situation. It probably isn't, but then again, the fooling around should never have occurred. There's potential HIV issue, racism of the Black booty-call issue now understood to be just that and poor little fiancee being set-up with homie J-man who tries to sow his oats with the same woman because that's just how stupid he is with his dumb religious behind not knowing how to mack. Shouldn't be messing around in the first place if you're sooooo religious. See???

I hesitated to post this at first but I'm glad I did. I hope it helps people lurking out there in the same type of a situation, whichever closure they choose. It's not that difficult to understand, it's just that people are trying to figure out who the players are. The facts are simple as stated. Nobody need be named or pointed out. It's the situation and whether the other should be told before the big day. Certainly, it should if there is a health issue. I pray God not!

 

[ThatJerseyGirl]

hummm...dis is ain't nuffin but a case of pimps in da pulpitchile....cuz see, to men, das da easiest place to get some puddi is in da church! Can i get uh amen!!

 

[Kinkyhairlady]

J-man is a person dated in the past. Sex was involved but it's over now. J-man was a potential marriage partner but it didn't work out due to some other personality issues. Now, J-man is engaged to another woman and is getting married within a few days. So, J-man asks for sex where there is no present relationship - like a last-minute fling.

A spiritual advisor who is a woman was consulted about this issue as the question was about the appropriateness of sending an email to the one marrying them. When to bust out an idiot to his spiritual advisor and/or person who is going to be marrying him to this new woman? When to bust him out to the bride-to-be? If at all?

If you really want to tell, then I would send an email from an anonymous account. Create the account just to send the email. I personally would not say anything if I don't care about him or her. She is not your buddy so you really should not bother trying to protect her.

Like some of the posters said, she probably already knows what type of man he is and is either in denial or is putting up with it just so that she can say she has a husband. I had a family member like this and everyone told her not to marry her no good husband. He was a dog to the fullest and was not even discreet about it. She married him anyways and six years later he gave her HIV. He died years ago but that family member is still living with the disease. She always says she should have listened. Sometimes the person might listen but sometimes they have to learn the hard way.