Excerpt from her recent newsletter:
Letter From A Reader
Here's a letter from Jane, who's struggling with her own opinion of herself - see if you can spot how she's working against herself:
Q."Dear Rori,
I have used your Tools and programs and find them to be very helpful. The only thing I question is how long do you lean back? I've found, in my experience, that men can interpret "leaning back" as disinterested and they will pull away because I didn't reciprocate.
I guess I'm struggling with the whole "unnaturalness" of it. For instance, last night I wanted to see Dan after a work dinner that was downtown, close to where he lives. I casually let him know where the dinner was and what time the dinner started. I said I would talk to him later on the phone, that afternoon (he called me the day before, and I hadn't returned his call...hoping to lean back). Things seemed a bit awkward on the phone. But I went to the dinner and called him at 8:45pm. He didn't answer. I didn't leave a message. I gave it everything I had to not stop by or call again or leave a message.
But today I slipped. I called him and left a message. I feel like if I don't at least let him know I care that he'll take that as a sign I'm not into him and vanish.
But he called me back tonight and we talked for 25 minutes. I didn't want to ask to do anything with him, even though I wanted to. He just rambled on how he was cleaning his place and how nice it was outside.
I wanted to scream, "Then we should do something." But I didn't. I did break down and tell him that I would like to see him, but it sounded like he needed some time to himself. I used a lot of "feel" statements too. Where do you draw the line with suggesting fun things to do?
From your program it sounds like you discourage ever being active in the relationship... ALWAYS giving the reigns to him. I would think a man would be turned off by this, rather than coming towards me at times. He might feel I was not very interesting and indecisive.
Men like when us women know what we want and where we want to go or to say what we like to do. How is giving them all the power making me more powerful?
My one question at this point: I think I need to see other people, since he doesn't seem to be too into me lately and is withdrawing, after a wonderful weekend at the triathlon and his beach house. Do I have to tell him I am seeing other people, since he's told me he's not sure about long term commitment? And how do I say that? I have to say, I am very scared. I REALLY like him and don't want to lose him. He seems to be the kind of guy that would not be open to that, since he has always said he is a one woman man. But I know it's not fair to me.
Thanks for your wonderful program. Jane"
A. I asked Jane if I could use her letter here as a springboard. There's so much in it, so I'll touch on the general points, first:
1. Until a man asks you to commit to him in a permanent way - he understands that you are not exclusive. That's the way it is. I don't mean sleep with other men, I mean lunch, coffee, the museum, dinner. If he doesn't book you and doesn't call you, then he doesn't get to keep you all to himself. Simple and plain.
2. What Jane brought up about a woman being boring and uninteresting if we don't hold up our end of the relationship by letting a man know we're interested is a fabulous question, actually a HUGE question, and I'm going to chip away at it here - and first by giving Jane some "tough love."
At this moment, just from reading Jane's words, and how careful she's being and how hard she's finding it to keep herself from making "moves" toward the man, you and I can see she's actually putting out the "vibe" that inside, she's a desperate, needy, wanting-what-she's-not-getting- from-him, hung-up-on-him woman.
As Jane says it herself - this is the truth about what's going on for her.
When you're FEELING this way inside, no amount of pretending to be "cool" is going to convince him that you're a self-assured woman who can take him or leave him, but simply "likes" him.
A very wonderful way to feel like and actually demonstrate that you're a powerful woman who simply "likes" a man is to be open to other men. It will raise your self esteem. You will start to experience men all around you chasing you down, and either this man will step up, or he'll get lost in the shuffle. He'll get trampled by the other men beating a path to your door.
This is about confidence, and I think that's the kind of woman Jane wants (we all want) to be.
But you can't just do things that represent your IMPRESSION of what a confident woman looks like. For Jane, it's calling her man and pretending she's a strong woman - even though she's most often feeling completely NOT strong.
Because right now, when she calls him, she knows, and you and I know that it's because of NEED. We all know that Jane can barely "keep control" of herself and not call him.
So that's the work she needs to do now. Jane needs to do the Inside work of my Tools to get herself to that place where - Yes! - she can do or say ANYTHING!
And if you find her story familiar (I sure do, though thankfully from long ago) try it for yourself, too.
Now, let's get to some of the nuts and bolts of Jane's letter. Jane mentions "...I hadn't returned his call... hoping to lean back".
I'm so happy to be able to clarify this:
There is a HUGE difference between not INITIATING calling a man and not calling him BACK. Not calling a man back - if he ASKS you to - is not a good way to go (I know we'd all consider it rude if a man did that to us), and if you don't call him back on purpose, HOPING to make him feel a certain way, it'll backfire on you.
Your vibe will give you away. You'll be radiating the truth, no matter how hard you try to hide it, and you'll feel icky.
So here are some ways to know how to handle calling a man "back":
- If he ASKS you to call him back, call him back
- If he has a bad habit of calling, leaving vague messages, and then drifting away for a while, DON'T call him
- If he's somewhere in-between, a new man in your life perhaps, and he calls you but NEGLECTS to SPECIFICALLY ask you to call back - call him back and see what happens
- If he talks with you, but doesn't ask to see you - then you know. You know he's not a man who's likely to initiate - even when you give him the benefit of the doubt
Your "vibe" is WAY more important than any specific words you say or actions you do. This is where it's easy to confuse initiating with "reciprocating," as Jane says.
I don't want you "reciprocating" event for event. You know the kind - where if he does it, then you do it back. It's easy to get caught up in that, and truly- it's just keeping "score." It's an excuse to do masculine energy initiating.
The kind of reciprocating that WORKS is the whole Rori Raye method:
You Open Your Heart
You radiate OUT your confidence, warmth, and the real feelings you feel for him in the way you smile, the way your eyes twinkle, the way your hand relaxes when he holds it, the way you listen to him, the way you seem at ease with yourself and comfortable in your own skin when you're with him - the way you TRUST him as a man.
This is ALL the GIVING a woman needs to do.
It's the whole package. From there, ALL your words and actions will FEEL "natural."
Jane's experience of "wanting to see" her man because an event she was going to was close to his house was actually a very aggressive thought. I know that's hard to hear - but it's an aggressive (not simply assertive) impulse to think that because you're going to be in his "neighborhood" you should somehow let him know and hope he'll invite you over.
And you make it even worse by trying to accomplish this by dropping a "hint." That's a maneuver that ANY man would consider "Playing Games," and it propelled Jane into a whole mental state of "strategizing."
THAT'S why it all feels so "unnatural" to her. Because it ISN'T natural. The natural thing to do would be to FORGET about him unless he's either on the phone with her or right in front of her.
When Jane says she "casually" mentioned the dinner - WE know she didn't FEEL casual at all! Again, that's why it felt unnatural.
Leaning Back Is Not A Game
It is the "anti-game." Leaning Back is giving yourself a chance to breathe, to feel, and to intuit what's going on around you.
Leaning Back gives a man a chance to breathe, the space to appreciate you and come forward to be with you, and the INSPIRATION to want to get to know you.
At the end, Jane says he finally called and they talked for 25 minutes. He "rambled on" about cleaning his house, and he did not step forward to ask to see her. And Jane says she wanted to "scream... Let's do something!"
It's absolutely impossible to "appear" cool, confident, relaxed and happy when you actually want to SCREAM. It's impossible to appear "authentic" and "natural" when you're PRETENDING.
His chatter about his "household" was the HUGE sign he was waving that he was moving into "just friends" territory.
Why Your Vibe Is So Important
It's not what Jane said and didn't say, or what she did and didn't do, it was her "vibe" - SCREAMING to him that she wanted him so much she was willing to do almost ANYTHING to GET him that made her feel so bad and got her nowhere with him.
Because nothing will push a man away faster than a "screaming" vibe.
The most difficult part of Jane's letter was when she said to him, on the phone, that she'd like to see him, and he said "No." Jane says he "needed some time to himself," but we all know what that means.
And by simply putting herself out in that way, and then hearing "No," I know (and you can see, too, I'm sure), that Jane wasn't paying attention to her intuition.
Her intuition would have told her that her man was merely "chatting" and wasn't about to ask to see her.
At that point, a true Feeling Message about her discomfort would have worked much better to find out where she really WAS in this "relationship." It would have protected her self-esteem, instead of wrecking it.
Now - About The Last Part Of Jane's Letter...
About POWER.
Giving a man the "reigns" in a relationship is NOT giving up your Power. Giving a man the "reigns" in a relationship is the ONLY way to see what he's made of, how much he likes you, and for you to see if you can respect and trust him to lead you and the relationship in a good direction - the direction you want to go in.
And YES, this requires knowing what you want and communicating that.
But what you want is NOT a "date" or anything specific - what you want is a wonderful relationship. And you can't do that all by yourself, for BOTH of you.
HE has to step up to the plate. And the only way to find out if he's ENOUGH for YOU is to LET him step up to the plate.
Where you and all of us hold the real power is in our decision - at every moment - to BE THERE with this man.
Our Power Resides In Being Able To Say No
Our Power resides in having a strong sense of who we are, being able to speak honestly and authentically from our hearts, and NOT taking "crap" from any man.
I know it feels like it, but a man's disinterest is not "crap." It's just disinterest.
Once we find out about his disinterest, by giving him the space to step up to the plate or not - it's what WE do that determines how powerful we feel, and how powerful we are.
By continuing to want him in a way that compromises her feelings about HERSELF, Jane is GIVING UP her Power. Feeling one way and then acting and saying something very different, something that doesn't match what you feel - is the opposite of power.
I know this is a complex issue, and I'll be talking about it more and more. Because power is not what we've been taught it is.
Power in love is our birthright as women. We don't have to show it - we only have to LIVE in it.
So, Jane - here's the work you need to do.
The Leanback, Feeling Messages, every single one of my Tools that are about how to talk and Be with a man in a way that will magnetize him are about helping you shift your "vibe" from the OUTSIDE IN.
And all my Tools that work to steady you, ground you, make you feel NATURALLY and organically good all through you - all the way down to your toes - shift your "vibe" from the INSIDE OUT.
Not today devil! 