The Rori Raye Way

Kimbosheart said:
That is a good one, she covers it in love scripts for relationships. What I really wanted in a script was communicating my boundaries without getting worked up. Rori's way really works for that. So it was definitely worth the listen. Since it's a slower day at work, I've been listening to Adrienne Everheart - posted above and she does do a good job of breaking down the scripts and feeling messages even further or at a minimum from another angle than Rori.
Click to expand...
Ahh gotcha. That one I haven't listened to. The Love Scripts for dating covers things like not wanting to drive to a date or how to respond when his mitch arse wants to go dutch on a date.
 
Keen said:
As I watched the bachelorette this season, Rachel kept saying that: "I'm not looking for a boyfriend, I'm looking for a husband". I was always impressed when she said that. That was the first time I watched the bachlorette so I don't know if that's the attitude of all the bachlorettes.
Click to expand...
It really is so simple and gets straight to the point without coming across as pushy or desperate.
 
caribeandiva said:
I finished listening to "Toxic Men".

When it came to the all male panel, the man that had the 5 year relationship with his girlfriend and wasn't ready to propose to her annoyed me. He kept saying how much he loved her but he wasn't ready. In mind I was thinking he wasn't ready to marry her cuz she ain't the one but he's afraid to say it (probably cuz he knows she'll be listening to it later). He hinted that something was missing. Homegirl puts up with it so obviously it's working for them. Even though he admits that he knows she wants to marry him. I was like: girl get out! This man is obviously too comfortable and will never give you what you want most which is marriage.
Click to expand...

A. I'm so glad someone in the audience asked
B. I like that he was getting around to and eventually was honest - he's happy with things they way they are. She needs to leave him if she's not happy with the way things are.
C. What he said towards the end of his rant about figuring himself out is so true. I can speak from experience on this. People grow and change all the time so you likely won't ever avoid having a man who's in a state of transition but that said. Avoid starting a relationship with someone in a major transition. This isn't new advice this is why you don't date people fresh out of relationships and do the whole rebound thing. I think this is where leaning back and really letting a man take the lead can be helpful because whatever the transition is he has to prove that he's certain about you.

Now, after all the RR I can handle, I also see that meeting and engaging with men like this is probably because in some way you are undefined and unhappy about something in your life - possibly your own transition. You are attracting that toxicity. I love how she broke down the mirror concept in this course.
 
Belle Du Jour said:
I feel like this is really starting to come together for me. Has anyone read Brene Brown's books on vulnerability?

I feel like this video is amazing and I have watched it at least 3 times:

Click to expand...

Yes I've read all of her books except for the new one she just released: Rising strong. Only cuz I haven't gotten my hands on it yet. I absolutely love her stuff!! I discovered her through Oprah and I'm grateful for that. I've watched her TED talks and anything I can find that's hers. I'm a huge fan if you couldn't tell. :lol:

Her books made me realize how being such a perfectionist was actually hurting me. I didn't realize that shame is what was driving it. I learned what shame was, why it's so hard to talk about, how we all have it and how to get rid of it. Great coping lessons! I learned to live a wholehearted life and stop caring about being "cool". Being cool is a straightjacket. Her books freed me. I've embraced myself fully, my inner dork. I don't care what people think anymore. If I feel like dancing in public or singing, I just do. I get weird looks but so what. I'm being myself. All the time. Being authentic means much more to me than being perfect. Crazy thing is, it gives people permission to be themselves too around me. You should read her books. They are life changing!
 
caribeandiva said:
Yes I've read all of her books except for the new one she just released: Rising strong. Only cuz I haven't gotten my hands on it yet. I absolutely love her stuff!! I discovered her through Oprah and I'm grateful for that. I've watched her TED talks and anything I can find that's hers. I'm a huge fan if you couldn't tell. :lol:

Her books made me realize how being such a perfectionist was actually hurting me. I didn't realize that shame is what was driving it. I learned what shame was, why it's so hard to talk about, how we all have it and how to get rid of it. Great coping lessons! I learned to live a wholehearted life and stop caring about being "cool". Being cool is a straightjacket. Her books freed me. I've embraced myself fully, my inner dork. I don't care what people think anymore. If I feel like dancing in public or singing, I just do. I get weird looks but so what. I'm being myself. All the time. Being authentic means much more to me than being perfect. Crazy thing is, it gives people permission to be themselves too around me. You should read her books. They are life changing!
Click to expand...

Thank you for the review! I feel like I'm getting there step by step and it's awesome! It really comes down to being you--authentically. And someone somewhere is going to see the value in that. If we are being fake or not fully accepting ourselves how can we expect others to?

I was a slave to the idea that perfection is a requirement for love. It took a lot of work to realize that's a lie from the pit of hell. I'm getting there slowly but surely :yep: Gonna try to get the vulnerability book on audible :yep:
 
Belle Du Jour said:
... It really comes down to being you--authentically. And someone somewhere is going to see the value in that. If we are being fake or not fully accepting ourselves how can we expect others to?

I was a slave to the idea that perfection is a requirement for love. It took a lot of work to realize that's a lie from the pit of hell..
Click to expand...
Yes yes and yes. Perfection is actually a hindrance to love. Most people don't know that. You can like a perfect person but you can never love them. Real love comes from seeing that person's imperfections, mistakes, weaknesses and thinking about how cute they are BECAUSE of those things. There's a deep connection there because of it. When someone withholds that side of themselves from you, it blocks the intimacy that love desperately needs to thrive. The author calls it: showing up and being seeing. It's easier said than done but by the grace of God, it's getting easier for me. Audible is awesome for their audiobooks. Also check your local public libraries. They might have the audiobooks there and you can borrow them for free. That's how I read all of her stuff. :yep: I can honestly say that there's a lot of things I post on here that I never would've if I hadn't read her books. Especially the posts where I tell y'all I'm struggling with something. I didn't want y'all to look down on me. So Whenever i hesitate, i remember the lessons I learned from her books and i allow myself to open up to you ladies.
 
caribeandiva said:
Yes yes and yes. Perfection is actually a hindrance to love. Most people don't know that. You can like a perfect person but you can never love them. Real love comes from seeing that person's imperfections, mistakes, weaknesses and thinking about how cute they are BECAUSE of those things. There's a deep connection there because of it. When someone withholds that side of themselves from you, it blocks the intimacy that love desperately needs to thrive. The author calls it: showing up and being seeing. It's easier said than done but by the grace of God, it's getting easier for me. Audible is awesome for their audiobooks. Also check your local public libraries. They might have the audiobooks there and you can borrow them for free. That's how I read all of her stuff. :yep: I can honestly say that there's a lot of things I post on here that I never would've if I hadn't read her books. Especially the posts where I tell y'all I'm struggling with something. I didn't want y'all to look down on me. So Whenever i hesitate, i remember the lessons I learned from her books and i allow myself to open up to you ladies.
Click to expand...

Exactly! And to loop it back to RR, a man can't help but fall for someone who is confident enough to be real and say "here I am--take me or leave me." One article I read said being vulnerable is like being naked with a man. It's really starting to sink in that women lead the way in helping a man open up this emotional side of himself. He moves the relationship along, but she shines the light on the path that he takes to get them there.

Posting on here is a great tool for practicing vulnerability. As RR says, you practice expressing your feelings with everyone and anyone (cashier, bus driver, barista) so that when a man you actually like comes along, expressing your feelings is natural.

I got the Power of Vulverability free on audible so I'll be listening to it once I'm done with RR.
 
Last edited:
Belle Du Jour said:
One article I read said being vulnerable is like being naked with a man. It's really starting to sink in that women lead the way in helping a man open up this emotional side of himself. He moves the relationship along, but she shines the light one the path that he takes to get the, there.
Click to expand...
I agree. That's been my experience as well with the last guy I dated. :yep:
 
Just finished Modern Siren. It wasn't my favorite program. It's a little esoteric and I couldn't connect with the tools as much but there's still good stuff in it.

I just started Toxic Men. In the first 30 minutes my mind has been blown and I've identified with LASER accuracy some of my themes in relationships. Like RYR, this program is not really about the men but the toxic behaviors in US that make us pick or stay with toxic men.
 
Belle Du Jour said:
Exactly! And to loop it back to RR, a man can't help but fall for someone who is confident enough to be real and say "here I am--take me or leave me." One article I read said being vulnerable is like being naked with a man. It's really starting to sink in that women lead the way in helping a man open up this emotional side of himself. He moves the relationship along, but she shines the light on the path that he takes to get them there.

Posting on here is a great tool for practicing vulnerability. As RR says, you practice expressing your feelings with everyone and anyone (cashier, bus driver, barista) so that when a man you actually like comes along, expressing your feelings is natural.

I got the Power of Vulverability free on audible so I'll be listening to it once I'm done with RR.
Click to expand...

I agree. At first, I didn't want to open up about my struggles and lack of knowledge about relationships. I felt embarrassed to have not figured it out by now. Being vulnerable showed me that I'm not the only one, and I have gained a lot of courage and strength from posting. I'm still nervous about dating, but I feel like since I know better, I can't help but make better choices.
 
I decided to use feeling messages with my brothers. One of them is deployed overseas right now and we barely hear from him. Last time he reached to me, I decided to be vulnerable and tell him how I really felt. I made sure to use: "I feel" in my sentences. I told him I felt disconnected and distant from him and I don't like it. He promised he'd do better to keep in touch. By the end of our convo I was in tears. I didn't realize how deeply hurt I felt from his lack of contact until then. Those tears surprised me.
 
What do y'all think about this feeling message or something similar: "I feel a little sad that I don't get to see you as much."

It's totally honest and vulnerable (really vulnerable :look:) but is it leaning forward? Is it blaming? Does it sound needy? What do y'all think a man would do with that?
 
Belle Du Jour said:
What do y'all think about this feeling message or something similar: "I feel a little sad that I don't get to see you as much."

It's totally honest and vulnerable (really vulnerable :look:) but is it leaning forward? Is it blaming? Does it sound needy? What do y'all think a man would do with that?
Click to expand...
The right man will respect it and respond appropriately. The wrong one will let it drop like a lead balloon or argue back with you.
 
ArrrBeee said:
The right man will respect it and respond appropriately. The wrong one will let it drop like a lead balloon or argue back with you.
Click to expand...

Thank you. I guess I need to figure out of I'm prepared that it might be dropped...then I would definitely have my answer.

ETA: This guy scored on the borderline of good/clueless on the toxic man scale. So this will definitely let me know if he's good/not interested or clueless/needs a nudge.

But will I look crazy for saying it is the bigger question :look:

And a follow up question: does saying "I miss you" have a different connotation (i.e. more needy) than the previous feeling statement? For some reason I feel more comfortable saying "I miss you" (it feels less vulnerable) but I don't think it will have the same impact. To my ears it feels more masculine. Not sure if I'm more hypersensitive now to feelings but that's what it seems like to me?
 
Last edited:
It may be true but keep your feeling message in sync with the four rules.

Rule #1: Don’’t try to control your partner.
Rule #2: Don’’t try to control the outcome.
Rule #3: Stop yourself before you criticize, judge, advise, warn, coax, ask the ““innocent question,”” or try to change him.
Rule #4: Learn to take No for an answer.

Depending on the delivery and the way he receives it, this could be read as a passive aggressive comment if you're hoping it will get him to spend more time with you or say something in particular.
 
Thanks for your input ladies! I don't think this is the right thing for me to say right now...While it is true, I do think my agenda in saying it would be more than just telling him how I am feeling. I am trying to control the outcome of our friendship which violates the RR principles. Thanks for helping me work through that one. :yep:
 
Last edited:
Belle Du Jour said:
Thanks for your input ladies! I don't think this is the right thing for me to say right now...While it is true, I do think my agenda in saying it would be more than just telling him how I am feeling. I am trying to control the outcome of our friendship which violates the RR principles. Thanks for helping me work through that one. :yep:
Click to expand...

Sounds like you're on the right track! Yea, I definitely wouldn't use the "sad" statement, mainly because it will make him feel like he's letting you down over something that could be out of his control like work, family, or he's overwhelmed and needs some alone time. You certainly don't want to introduce feelings of guilt at this stage of the relationship. And you're not trying to be sad about any externals at this point in your self development. You're happy and fulfilled. You have a rotation. He's lucky he's in it. When he does come around and you're having a good time you could maybe try something like-- I feel so good when we spend time together. That type of statement makes him feel good. Something he's doing right is making you happy. Now he wants to continue to make you happy.
 
SurferBabe said:
Sounds like you're on the right track! Yea, I definitely wouldn't use the "sad" statement, mainly because it will make him feel like he's letting you down over something that could be out of his control like work, family, or he's overwhelmed and needs some alone time. You certainly don't want to introduce feelings of guilt at this stage of the relationship. And you're not trying to be sad about any externals at this point in your self development. You're happy and fulfilled. You have a rotation. He's lucky he's in it. When he does come around and you're having a good time you could maybe try something like-- I feel so good when we spend time together. That type of statement makes him feel good. Something he's doing right is making you happy. Now he wants to continue to make you happy.
Click to expand...

Yes thank you! That's a great way to put it. I'm still figuring out these feeling messages...you explained it very well.
 
Okay ladies, leaning back works!

I haven't been doing any dating so I haven't had a chance to try out this leaning back thing in real time, but I've been dipping my toe into the dating world by having an online profile up and checking it on occasion.

A couple of weeks ago I was messaged by a guy who looked darn good on paper. We exchanged a few messages, and I enjoyed the conversation, but I quickly got frustrated with no action on his part to meet up.

The old me would have dropped a hint about meeting up, or would have just continued to chat back and forth daily. But not the new me. After his last response, I leaned back. I didn't send a response and instead, I entertained the other guys I liked in my inbox. Out of sight, out of mind.

Saturday he messaged 'How's your weekend so far?'. I didn't respond. No time for small talk plus I was busy at a festival. This morning he messaged me on the site asking if I would like to go out next weekend to a local festival he wants to check out (he's new to town). Now that's what I'm talking about!

I'm proud of myself. I know this stuff comes naturally to some women but not me. I'm direct and hate uncertainty. Now I'm learning to embrace it. Between now and next week anything could change, and I'm okay with that. I've learned to trust that a man who is interested in you will make his intentions known. You don't have to do anything but be yourself.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top