The Queen's Code By Alison Armstrong Bookclub

[almond eyes]

Some women will still get men despite their frog farming ways. That ain't ever gonna change. I don't know about the quality of those relationships though. Why settle for good enough treatment when I can get treated even better? That's how I think anyway.

As for not interrupting men, I go with the flow. I've dated both introverts and extroverts. Listen without interrupting really does allow me to see what type of man he is. If he likes to talk just to hear himself talk and doesn't care to ask me anything about myself or how I'm doing, then I have my answer. I found even quiet men like to talk about what's important to them. The key is to ask them questions and then let them talk! Then ask follow up questions based on what he said. That's what works for me.

It is true about the quality of the relationships, my friend is always saying how she feels ignored by her husband and the passion has gone. And you create a strain with your partner and if your partner is more quiet and passive about how he feels about being emasculated it will make him less romantic with you.

Great advise, ask questions and let them talk. Then ask follow up questions.!!!!

Best,
Almond Eyes

 

[Belle Du Jour]

On to my 3rd AA book, Making Sense of Men. Her stuff is SO good. I'm seeing a lot of men show up in a playful, friendly, big brother, mentor way.

I'm working on becoming "charming and enchanting."

 

[Ivonnovi]

I've dipped my toe back in the dating pool. I still don't like dating more than 1 person at a time but I DO see the benefits. The new perspective via AA's enlightening advice makes this even more uncomfortable; but it has kept me from "sorting" too swiftly. I feel that my listening skills are good; I'm working on trying to discover the reasons "behind their behaviors" and not seeming to frigid; but it ain't easy.

1 of the 3 have sorted themselves out (no date at all) (he talks too much and too aggressively for my taste; I get the feeling he really just wants a warm place to put it)
The other 2 are making the sorting difficult, as they both want relationships NOW, and are much better at communicating than I am.

1 of the 2 (only 1 date) had my hormones raging at Hello; I had to delay a 2nd date until "I" knew I could keep my cool. The hormones behaved better on this weekend's date and therefore I was more "myself".....though inside I was still swooning a bit.

The other (2 dates) is a genuinely nice, he's sincere his words and actions seem to be in complete alignment right now and he has the finances to boot. My only "but" is that at times his conversation style is a little too hood for me; .....

I met all 3 during the same weekend about a month ago at different events...... pray for me.....

 

[caribeandiva]

I've dipped my toe back in the dating pool. I still don't like dating more than 1 person at a time but I DO see the benefits. The new perspective via AA's enlightening advice makes this even more uncomfortable; but it has kept me from "sorting" too swiftly. I feel that my listening skills are good; I'm working on trying to discover the reasons "behind their behaviors" and not seeming to frigid; but it ain't easy.

1 of the 3 have sorted themselves out (no date at all) (he talks too much and too aggressively for my taste; I get the feeling he really just wants a warm place to put it)
The other 2 are making the sorting difficult, as they both want relationships NOW, and are much better at communicating than I am.

1 of the 2 (only 1 date) had my hormones raging at Hello; I had to delay a 2nd date until "I" knew I could keep my cool. The hormones behave better on this weekend's date and therefore I was more "myself".....though inside I was still swooning a bit.

The other (2 dates) is a genuinely nice, he's sincere his words and actions seem to be in complete alignment right now and he has the finances to boot. My only "but" is that at times his conversation style is a little too hood for me; .....

I met all 3 during the same weekend about a month ago at different events...... pray for me.....

Honey you're not dipping your toe back in there. You're starting out with a splash! Good for you! I say keep dating them and they'll sort themselves out like the first guy did.

 

[Belle Du Jour]

I haphazardly said to a guy that I needed to do something (not intentionally trying to use hero language--it was just the word I used) and he instantly said "i can do that if you need me." It was a good example for me that men really want to respond to our needs even if we don't realize that we are asking them. AA said needs for men are immediate and urgent so when a guy cares about a woman he sees her needs as immediate and urgent. Any thoughts?

 

[caribeandiva]

I haphazardly said to a guy that I needed to do something (not intentionally trying to use hero language--it was just the word I used) and he instantly said "i can do that if you need me." It was a good example for me that men really want to respond to our needs even if we don't realize that we are asking them. AA said needs for men are immediate and urgent so when a guy cares about a woman he sees her needs as immediate and urgent. Any thoughts?

That's been my experience as well. It always takes me by surprise!

 

[Ivonnovi]

"Scarcity" "Victimization" "Frog Farming"...and such....... can I share or vent?

For the sake of this post, consider all of the above views as cognitive distortions:​

errors in thinking that continue even when there is obvious contradictory evidence. Examples of cognitive distortions include all-or-nothing thinking, overgeneralization, labeling, mental filter, disqualifying the positive, jumping to conclusions (mind reading), magnification or minimization (catastrophizing), emotional reasoning ("should" & "must" statements), and personalization.​

Scarcity: AA often speaks of operating from this position; this is a position of weakness. IMHO this doesn't start with relationships but is easily transferable to relationship,

• Saving items (china, outfit, wine) for special occasions....only to allow them to collect dust

• There are probably other aspects of our life that we also unknowingly practice the "scarcity" mindset; be it a bad job, the need to scrap the bottom of a bottle instead of just opening a new one.
  
• It has us hold on to bad relationships for fear of being alone, or create bad ones w/o really thinking it through.

Victimization. I'm going to use a really broad stroke and say that we [females] seem to constantly unconsciously do this to ourselves; we're more prone to negative self-talk.

• We often feel less than confident if something about are looks isn't quite right; be it makeup, brows, or the OOOTD.
• ETA again to add: for whom Self-deprecating behaviors and attitudes is the norm
  
• I have a close associate (ETA: my mom) who....OMG....made me want to post this for a few days. She is someone to whom Life(/Stuff) Happens & it seems she's just enduring life instead of trying to enjoy it; and oh yeah, she's easily angered.

1. You take her out...she's "Kidnapped";
   
2. Her call goes to voicemail...they're "not taking her calls".....or If you're the caller YOU "Hung-Up before she could answer" your call
3. We pass the police @road construction and they are "looking to get us"
4. Publix guy offer to take the groceries to the car....somehow "he's trying to get over on us" ...despite my explaining that THAT IS part of his job.
5. ETA: She expressed a desire to learn to make Jewelry; so.... I took us to a bracelet making class. She had a good time & was rather proud of the bracelet she made. Then later I hear her on the phone telling folks that she "had to make her own Mother's Day bracelet". ........WTF?

Frog Farming: Before this weekend /\/\/\ I had felt a strong resolve to try to avoid negatively referring to these women as having FF'n ways. As, most of them really don't know what they are doing; it's intuitive for them.

They don't know what they don't know; even though we may enlighten them, their hearts are too wounded/hard to embrace "enlightenment".​

IMHO some of us were raised to be FFs; it's the behavioral model we've observed for years. Now it's as natural and intuitive as our own language. The VIC above doesn't respect herself enough to expect. or to be receptive to anyone else being respectful either; or to put it more eloquently she fill
s her head with so much negative self-talk till it seems her [internal] filters are impervious to positive experiences; she will automatically disqualify the positive; and WHAMMO a Frog is Born....time and time again. AND unfortunately negative experiences serve to validate this Vic's crooked "mental filter" (also, in AA speak, she doesn't know how "to receive")

Knowing this I will strive on to ensure she has a Happy Mother's Day week.........Ribbit

​

 

[Belle Du Jour]

From AA:

When a man is just Sexually Attracted, if he acts on it at all, it will be to generate a physical relationship. You can tell this is the case by what time he calls or texts and what he invites you to do (can you say 'booty call'?).

When a man is just Charmed and Enchanted, he'll become a friend, mentor or big-brother figure. You cannot have too many of them. Treasure each of these men. They'll give you a lifetime of love, care and attention, too.

Available men generate romantic relationships with women for whom they experience both types of attraction.

 

[caribeandiva]

@Ivonnovi what are FFs?

 

[Ivonnovi]

@Ivonnovi what are FFs?

@caribeandiva By FF's I meant: "Frog Farmers"

 

[Ivonnovi]

Update:
I'm sharing this situation here because a key feature of AA's book is that many generations of the Keys' women had the blessing of growing up observing and being educated on the proper interactions between men and women; mothers and fathers; "they" in essence have the benefit of the Lived Experience of the books' knowledge.

My experience is quite the opposite, and TBH my mother's is the Polar Opposite.
I choose this Mother's Day to try to help a Queen.....and in turn help myself (heal) too.

It's now 3 days into the visit and she's coming around. She joked and asked if "Mother's Day came around more often" as I gave her a fixed plate of food while she enjoyed her fav TV channel ..... ....later she beamed that she was "going to get a petition" to have the celebration more often.

After the first comment I tip-toed to the kitchen and gripped my pearls whilst leaning up against the fridge for support; my heart did a happy-dance. WOW & YAY me!!!!!!​

She honestly is not use to being taken care of...."read my siggy"; or receiving w/o something being expected in return.....

• I've posted in other threads about my family dynamics and the strained relationship I've had with my mother and her now very sick husband.
  
• My resolve for this visit was to pluck her out of her environment (backwards, socially repressed; and proudly functioning as God's Waiting-Room)............... and show her a different lifestyle/possibilities. This includes Exercise classes with women her age, exposure to creative crafting opportunities, and "fresh meals"....
• These experiences were also selected to turn her "I can'ts" into "I can's"; and I see progress
• 
• I don't know how much of this will really stick; but I feel better knowing that I tried; and that I've modeled good behavior for the next generation.

 

[JFemme]

Update:
I'm sharing this situation here because a key feature of AA's book is that many generations of the Keys' women had the blessing of growing up observing and being educated on the proper interactions between men and women; mothers and fathers; "they" in essence have the benefit of the Lived Experience of the books' knowledge.

My experience is quite the opposite, and TBH my mother's is the Polar Opposite.
I choose this Mother's Day to try to help a Queen.....and in turn help myself (heal) too.

It's now 3 days into the visit and she's coming around. She joked and asked if "Mother's Day came around more often" as I gave her a fixed plate of food while she enjoyed her fav TV channel ..... ....later she beamed that she was "going to get a petition" to have the celebration more often.

After the first comment I tip-toed to the kitchen and gripped my pearls whilst leaning up against the fridge for support; my heart did a happy-dance. WOW & YAY me!!!!!!​

She honestly is not use to being taken care of...."read my siggy"; or receiving w/o something being expected in return.....

• I've posted in other threads about my family dynamics and the strained relationship I've had with my mother and her now very sick husband.
  
• My resolve for this visit was to pluck her out of her environment (backwards, socially repressed; and proudly functioning as God's Waiting-Room)............... and show her a different lifestyle/possibilities. This includes Exercise classes with women her age, exposure to creative crafting opportunities, and "fresh meals"....
• These experiences were also selected to turn her "I can'ts" into "I can's"; and I see progress
• 
• I don't know how much of this will really stick; but I feel better knowing that I tried; and that I've modeled good behavior for the next generation.

I so love this post...... I've found this is the only method that gets at the heart of the matter without losing my very mind...

Bravo Ivonnovi....

 

[JustifiablyMe]

I had a situation this morning that made me think of this thread/book. Although I told him there was no need to, he set his alarm this morning to wake me up. Of course when the alarm went off, I was already up (which is why I told him not to set it in the first place ). When I was getting dressed, he said good thing I set the alarm and not even really thinking I exclaimed "oh, I was already up" and I swear I saw a little twinkle in his eye fade lol. I guess I didn't even notice the gesture behind it; like allowing him to help me and giving him credit for it. It's like I emasculated him in something so simple when he was only trying to help me.

I sent him a text this morning thanking him for waking me up, anyway. Hopefully that'll butter things over a little lol. I want to get to a place where I don't subconsciously do these things. I'm pretty sure it stems from being single and independent for so long that I don't even recognize when someone else is trying to take the lead.

 

[Ivonnovi]

I had a situation this morning that made me think of this thread/book. Although I told him there was no need to, he set his alarm this morning to wake me up. Of course when the alarm went off, I was already up (which is why I told him not to set it in the first place ). When I was getting dressed, he said good thing I set the alarm and not even really thinking I exclaimed "oh, I was already up" and I swear I saw a little twinkle in his eye fade lol. I guess I didn't even notice the gesture behind it; like allowing him to help me and giving him credit for it. It's like I emasculated him in something so simple when he was only trying to help me.

I sent him a text this morning thanking him for waking me up, anyway. Hopefully that'll butter things over a little lol. I want to get to a place where I don't subconsciously do these things. I'm pretty sure it stems from being single and independent for so long that I don't even recognize when someone else is trying to take the lead.

Thank you @JustifiablyMe This post gave me a "well-damn!!!" moment myself.

One of my suitors has made it clear he want's to be a Provider; just today he repeated to me that he want's to meet my mother, and has offered to assist me with transporting her back in forth during future visits. TBH he has hit spot-on to so many of the little things I'm hoping for in a man...YET, I'm still stand-offish ...negating and minimizing his positive qualities...while diligently waiting for the other shoe to drop.​

He's stopping by today so I'll try to ensure I have my KTTQ/QC drawers on, and Queen-up. I need an additional week or two to intelligently articulate why I want to run from this "King/Elder".

 

[Kimbosheart]

I love how this thread is still going. We've all grown so much.

 

[caribeandiva]

I so love this post...... I've found this is the only method that gets at the heart of the matter without losing my very mind...

Bravo Ivonnovi....

I second that! I don't even know you in real life @Ivonnovi but I'm very proud of you. Great job!!!

 

[caribeandiva]

I love how this thread is still going. We've all grown so much.

I'm surprised it's still going to be honest with you. I'm glad though. We really have all come a long way. I can't wait to see what amazing women we become in the next few months and years!

 

[caribeandiva]

Thank you @JustifiablyMe This post gave me a "well-damn!!!" moment myself.

One of my suitors has made it clear he want's to be a Provider; just today he repeated to me that he want's to meet my mother, and has offered to assist me with transporting her back in forth during future visits. TBH he has hit spot-on to so many of the little things I'm hoping for in a man...YET, I'm still stand-offish ...negating and minimizing his positive qualities...while diligently waiting for the other shoe to drop.​

He's stopping by today so I'll try to ensure I have my KTTQ/QC drawers on, and Queen-up. I need an additional week or two to intelligently articulate why I want to run from this "King/Elder".

I think it's just fear stopping you. Been there too. I'm not used to letting men provide for me either. So I can relate.

 

[Belle Du Jour]

Question:
I know that men tend to be less wordy and more direct than women. But how do you know if he is just being direct because that's how men are or he's annoyed/possibly not interested in what you've said? Any thoughts?

 

[Kimbosheart]

I'm surprised it's still going to be honest with you. I'm glad though. We really have all come a long way. I can't wait to see what amazing women we become in the next few months and years!

I had to revisit some of my notes on the book and I should probably reread both books. But I've been practicing living the principles and just observing and studying the men around me that matter. I can report that in my personal, family and work life there is a lot more ease and flow. I can't describe it but it's just a peace I'm at with the men around me. I won't say it's all AA but the tweaks in my behavior and the added knowledge are definitely a part of it.

 

[Kimbosheart]

Question:
I know that men tend to be less wordy and more direct than women. But how do you know if he is just being direct because that's how men are or he's annoyed/possibly not interested in what you've said? Any thoughts?

I would guess you could look at in context of his actions at the time and his relationship or previous stated opinion of you.

Also if he's annoyed or not interested it doesn't have to be necessarily towards you.

 

[caribeandiva]

Question:
I know that men tend to be less wordy and more direct than women. But how do you know if he is just being direct because that's how men are or he's annoyed/possibly not interested in what you've said? Any thoughts?

If he's like that all the the time then I wouldn't take it personally. If it's after a fight then you have your answer.

 

[Belle Du Jour]

If he's like that all the the time then I wouldn't take it personally. If it's after a fight then you have your answer.

No, there was no argument. I'm just getting to know this guy and his written replies can be very to the point. I may just be a little sensitive and more wordy LOL. But after doing all this work with TQC, I know that men just communicate differently. So I don't want to read into anything.

 

[Belle Du Jour]

I would guess you could look at in context of his actions at the time and his relationship or previous stated opinion of you.

Also if he's annoyed or not interested it doesn't have to be necessarily towards you.

I think he's just a man of few words...his actions are always kind and affectionate. Will definitely be paying attn to the actions more

 

[Ivonnovi]

......Have a good weekend Queens! ...... Mind your Kingdom's and be fabulous!!!!!

immo miss y'all during the upgrade....​

 

[hopeful]

Thanks @Ivonnovi! I hope you have a great weekend too.

 

[Ivonnovi]

Whew what a week!!!!!

Update: She is now a little quicker at changing her "I can'ts" to "....maybe I'll try". She voiced a resolve to exercise after seeing my friend that's recovering from a stroke. She's back home now and I hope the little changes stick.

SHE, did a couple of moves that let me know that she is happy being emotionally crippled and crippling. Thanks to the Toxic Parenting book; I feel I handled it well but the actions were still quite a blow to my gut/hopes/ego. But now I know.​

RE the King: I'll just have to address it as my gut is experiencing it; I'll be blunt but polite first.
When he speaks he uses "Provider" language, and many of is actions indicate that he'd be a consistent "Provider" and a good "King". We have many similarities in our back ground; my mom likes him. Until 2-day's ago I'd have given him a B+ for being attentive.

And then my GUT and nerves/observations kicked in,

1. At times He's a bit too hood/ghetto/country for my comfort level. .....I have to warn him what to expect before I take him to some decent (notice I didn't say "Nice" places). Yes this is indicative of the idea that he just needs to get out more often; BUT, damn son you should not be impressed by the Dwarf House. (try not to laugh at my pain). Heck he makes this former hood-rat see how far she's come.......

2. He has a nice job an decent income. I want to insist that he goes to college[better's his education] IF I am to continue seeing him. It would be easy for him because his job isn't demanding, and he could possibly & easily study during work hours.

3. I don't want to do a UE/LE comparison; but based on some of the things he's said I believe he's only been dating LE women. I want to tell him to shut up. I think he's says some things/comparisons to possibly flatter me; IMHO it actually just makes him look bad.

4. Honestly I'm worried that his idea of Providing would be more "Golden Corral" than anything closer to "Ruth's Crisps" . I am very much afraid that I can't appreciate what his current (experience) level has to provide....

5. Is it fair that I wonder HOW he LUCKED up and got the job he currently has?

6. I recently discovered that though he says he likes to eat healthy, He's not doing everything he should. Doesn't take his HBP pills and scared the sh!t outta me having dizzy spells and trying to play it off as though bad food or a ear infection is the culprit.
I had to give him one of my pills (which is also prescribed for HBP); he had none of his with him....or so he said.... Call me petty but I insisted he leave as soon as his level got within an acceptable range; .....I'd had a rough week with Mom, and other stroke friend, took her home, returned the next day; worked all the next day; ....AND NOW he want's to add to the stress by not taking his pills and possibly ending up with a stroke ....and at my home? Naw, son....I'm caring but not that caring. I was too through with him because of his slack attitude; and having insisted upon coming over (whilst not feeling well) despite me saying that I wasn't in the mood for entertaining.
Yeah, I had my Introvert drawers on, (I'd also make it clear that I was already emotionally depleted) and I wanted to be alone, NOT playing Nurse Good Body.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

From AA:

When a man is just Sexually Attracted, if he acts on it at all, it will be to generate a physical relationship. You can tell this is the case by what time he calls or texts and what he invites you to do (can you say 'booty call'?).

When a man is just Charmed and Enchanted, he'll become a friend, mentor or big-brother figure. You cannot have too many of them. Treasure each of these men. They'll give you a lifetime of love, care and attention, too.

Available men generate romantic relationships with women for whom they experience both types of attraction.

Great reminders @Belle Du Jour

I've heard and read this same sentiment before as well. Don't remember where though. It's been a while. But it seems like men want both sides of the coin---the physical attraction & the emotional attraction. According to what I've read, it seems men tend to fall in love with a "Jacqueline of all Trades"...meaning, the woman is not only attractive, warm, kind, and "fun", but she also is someone who he wants to be close to emotionally. He has emotional attraction for her. If the woman is just "hot" then he will want to hit it and quit it. If she's just "emotional" and "nice", he'll view her as just a 'friend'.

Very interesting.

Btw, it's been a while since I've perused this board on a regular basis. What does "AA" stand for?

I haphazardly said to a guy that I needed to do something (not intentionally trying to use hero language--it was just the word I used) and he instantly said "i can do that if you need me." It was a good example for me that men really want to respond to our needs even if we don't realize that we are asking them. AA said needs for men are immediate and urgent so when a guy cares about a woman he sees her needs as immediate and urgent. Any thoughts?

Very interesting experience!

You know I've picked up on this as well recently ever since I started upping my "feminine factor" a little bit.

I recently went out with a group of friends (ladies & gents), and we all just went out for a movie and then dinner. To make a long story short, there's this guy friend in the group (I'll call him "Ex-crush") that I kind of liked in the past at one time (I don't think the feeling was mutual lol), and he and his buddy (I'll call him "Buddy") were there, as were some other guys. Well, one of the more "outspoken" girls in the group was being all loud at the table, joking with "Ex-Crush", talking sports, and being real flirty....and vice versa. "Ex-Crush" was being flirty with her as well, and they were having conversations throughout the night.

Meanwhile, I was being friendly, cordial, and open, but more reserved in my demeanor. While the other girl was putting down "Ex-Crush" in a joking way, and making flirty jokes towards him, and him towards her, I was just being a toned down version of myself and taking everything in lol.

Well, turns out, his "Buddy" ended up talking to me all night, asking me questions, seeming interested, and just seemed really enamored with me the entire night. I in turn was being open, asking him questions, laughing at his jokes, and adding input of my own in a classy way.

Do you know that towards the end of the night I picked up on the fact that "Ex-Crush" would literally shut down (get quiet, look down, etc) when the other girl would tease him in front of the other friends in the group? (I'm guessing guys don't really like to be teased the way that they like to tease women in a playful way)

Not only that, but although "Ex-Crush" didn't really say much to me that night, when it was time for everyone to pay up at the counter for their meal, I was the ONLY one he offered to take my card up to the counter so that I didn't have to get up like everyone else. Funny huh?? Of course, having read TQC I let him be chivalrous and accepted his offer lol. In fact, I noticed that most of the guys in the group treated me a little differently than they did the other women there. It was almost like a feeling of being revered somewhat.

This little gesture, as well as the attention from "Buddy" just confirmed to me that sometimes in life we get back what we project out. Frog farming and even playfully joking/disrespecting a man does not conjure up "nice" feelings in a man for you. Idk if they view it as a sign of disrespect or what. But I've learned (through trial and error) that men don't necessarily like to be the butt of a LOT of jokes from women...even if the woman is trying to do it in a flirty way.

I just thought that was interesting how men actually DO want to help women and be of service, but it's all in how you come ACROSS to them. Because I was carrying myself like a "lady" that night (instead of being like "one of the guys"), I got treated as such.

Whew what a week!!!!!

Update: She is now a little quicker at changing her "I can'ts" to "....maybe I'll try". She voiced a resolve to exercise after seeing my friend that's recovering from a stroke. She's back home now and I hope the little changes stick.

SHE, did a couple of moves that let me know that she is happy being emotionally crippled and crippling. Thanks to the Toxic Parenting book; I feel I handled it well but the actions were still quite a blow to my gut/hopes/ego. But now I know.​

RE the King: I'll just have to address it as my gut is experiencing it; I'll be blunt but polite first.
When he speaks he uses "Provider" language, and many of is actions indicate that he'd be a consistent "Provider" and a good "King". We have many similarities in our back ground; my mom likes him. Until 2-day's ago I'd have given him a B+ for being attentive.

And then my GUT and nerves/observations kicked in,

1. At times He's a bit too hood/ghetto/country for my comfort level. .....I have to warn him what to expect before I take him to some decent (notice I didn't say "Nice" places). Yes this is indicative of the idea that he just needs to get out more often; BUT, damn son you should not be impressed by the Dwarf House. (try not to laugh at my pain). Heck he makes this former hood-rat see how far she's come.......

2. He has a nice job an decent income. I want to insist that he goes to college[better's his education] IF I am to continue seeing him. It would be easy for him because his job isn't demanding, and he could possibly & easily study during work hours.

3. I don't want to do a UE/LE comparison; but based on some of the things he's said I believe he's only been dating LE women. I want to tell him to shut up. I think he's says some things/comparisons to possibly flatter me; IMHO it actually just makes him look bad.

4. Honestly I'm worried that his idea of Providing would be more "Golden Corral" than anything closer to "Ruth's Crisps" . I am very much afraid that I can't appreciate what his current (experience) level has to provide....

5. Is it fair that I wonder HOW he LUCKED up and got the job he currently has?

6. I recently discovered that though he says he likes to eat healthy, He's not doing everything he should. Doesn't take his HBP pills and scared the sh!t outta me having dizzy spells and trying to play it off as though bad food or a ear infection is the culprit.
I had to give him one of my pills (which is also prescribed for HBP); he had none of his with him....or so he said.... Call me petty but I insisted he leave as soon as his level got within an acceptable range; .....I'd had a rough week with Mom, and other stroke friend, took her home, returned the next day; worked all the next day; ....AND NOW he want's to add to the stress by not taking his pills and possibly ending up with a stroke ....and at my home? Naw, son....I'm caring but not that caring. I was too through with him because of his slack attitude; and having insisted upon coming over (whilst not feeling well) despite me saying that I wasn't in the mood for entertaining.
Yeah, I had my Introvert drawers on, (I'd also make it clear that I was already emotionally depleted) and I wanted to be alone, NOT playing Nurse Good Body.

WOW girl! You are on a roll! Good for you!

I'm on a break from dating right now, so I'm just enjoying the single life and being with friends, but that's good that you've got these guys on a rotation lol. At least you can see more clearly who is right for you and who isn't.

And don't feel bad about this guy and his ummm....UE/LE status lol. I know exactly what you're talking about, and I admit...it's a bit of a turn-off for me as well. I mean, it's cute when you're in your teens and early 20's, but by the time I graduated college, I started wanting something different in a man. But if he's a GOOD man, then continue to give him a chance regardless of his "status" or experiences. Maybe you can introduce him to new things and help expand his horizons lol.

Good for you however in not Frog Farming him or destroying his ego.

 

[hopeful]

@Crystalicequeen123
AA = Alison Armstrong, author of The Queen's Code.

 

[Belle Du Jour]

Great reminders @Belle Du Jour

I've heard and read this same sentiment before as well. Don't remember where though. It's been a while. But it seems like men want both sides of the coin---the physical attraction & the emotional attraction. According to what I've read, it seems men tend to fall in love with a "Jacqueline of all Trades"...meaning, the woman is not only attractive, warm, kind, and "fun", but she also is someone who he wants to be close to emotionally. He has emotional attraction for her. If the woman is just "hot" then he will want to hit it and quit it. If she's just "emotional" and "nice", he'll view her as just a 'friend'.

Very interesting.

Btw, it's been a while since I've perused this board on a regular basis. What does "AA" stand for?




Very interesting experience!

You know I've picked up on this as well recently ever since I started upping my "feminine factor" a little bit.

I recently went out with a group of friends (ladies & gents), and we all just went out for a movie and then dinner. To make a long story short, there's this guy friend in the group (I'll call him "Ex-crush") that I kind of liked in the past at one time (I don't think the feeling was mutual lol), and he and his buddy (I'll call him "Buddy") were there, as were some other guys. Well, one of the more "outspoken" girls in the group was being all loud at the table, joking with "Ex-Crush", talking sports, and being real flirty....and vice versa. "Ex-Crush" was being flirty with her as well, and they were having conversations throughout the night.

Meanwhile, I was being friendly, cordial, and open, but more reserved in my demeanor. While the other girl was putting down "Ex-Crush" in a joking way, and making flirty jokes towards him, and him towards her, I was just being a toned down version of myself and taking everything in lol.

Well, turns out, his "Buddy" ended up talking to me all night, asking me questions, seeming interested, and just seemed really enamored with me the entire night. I in turn was being open, asking him questions, laughing at his jokes, and adding input of my own in a classy way.

Do you know that towards the end of the night I picked up on the fact that "Ex-Crush" would literally shut down (get quiet, look down, etc) when the other girl would tease him in front of the other friends in the group? (I'm guessing guys don't really like to be teased the way that they like to tease women in a playful way)

Not only that, but although "Ex-Crush" didn't really say much to me that night, when it was time for everyone to pay up at the counter for their meal, I was the ONLY one he offered to take my card up to the counter so that I didn't have to get up like everyone else. Funny huh?? Of course, having read TQC I let him be chivalrous and accepted his offer lol. In fact, I noticed that most of the guys in the group treated me a little differently than they did the other women there. It was almost like a feeling of being revered somewhat.

This little gesture, as well as the attention from "Buddy" just confirmed to me that sometimes in life we get back what we project out. Frog farming and even playfully joking/disrespecting a man does not conjure up "nice" feelings in a man for you. Idk if they view it as a sign of disrespect or what. But I've learned (through trial and error) that men don't necessarily like to be the butt of a LOT of jokes from women...even if the woman is trying to do it in a flirty way.

I just thought that was interesting how men actually DO want to help women and be of service, but it's all in how you come ACROSS to them. Because I was carrying myself like a "lady" that night (instead of being like "one of the guys"), I got treated as such.

Thanks for sharing your story! I've been in a similar situation in a group outing and just feeling that I was much different than the other women lol. I was soft, feminine, demure and they were more boisterous and brash. Men notice the difference...also I think it's good to notice these subtle differences in how men treat you compared to other women. They may not come out and say they think you're different (in a good way) but will show it in their actions. I know a guy who always talks about how his classes are going and what he's doing. I think he does that to preen a little bit and to remind me that he's in a temporary low status career but is making plans. I think he also tells me because I encourage him and cheer him on.