The Queen's Code By Alison Armstrong Bookclub

almond eyes said:
I remember many years ago agonizing whether to call a man or not and stressing away for weeks only to call him and walk away very embarrassed. I didn't realize that all along I had that power and once I picked up that phone or chased him I gave my power away.
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Omg yes! I did that for years by listening to my friends instead of my instincts. Lesson learned. If a man wants you, you will know. He will pursue you one way or another. Period.
 
caribeandiva said:
Omg yes! I did that for years by listening to my friends instead of my instincts. Lesson learned. If a man wants you, you will know. He will pursue you one way or another. Period.
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I am laughing about that because it is your female friends and female acquaintances that will push you into this behavior. But men don't need to be told to call you they will use the FBI to track you down if necessary. I feel liberated knowing that I don't need to pursue a man or feel thirsty about it.

Best,
Almond Eyes
 
I was with a couple of my friends today and we came up with a solution to a situation. One of them remarked, "Why didn't we think of this sooner?" The other replied, "We came up with it quicker than a man would."

The former frog farmer and I looked at each other knowingly and I blurted out, "She's frog farming."

I had forgotten that I suggested the book to them. One of them had read it and learned and the other had not.
 
almond eyes said:
I listened to it, amazing. Again, so glad to be participating in this forum. It is really true that learning is important.

Essentially, the main ingredients that I got from this audiobook was the following without spoiling it for others:

Men are basically in four categories: Pages (little boys), Knights, Princes (early, middle and late) and King/Elder.

Knights want a woman who will have fun with him and keep up with him. He isn't necessarily trying to marry a woman in the knight phase. This stage is 20's to early 30's. They want adventure and fun. And they will even use these words.

Princes want a woman who will nurture them and support their endeavors. Many Princes have a goal they are working towards so they can be singular focused and they aren't doing it on purpose. Women dating or married to a Prince must be very understanding and listen more and have their back. Nurture and Pleaser aren't the same. They want a woman who is confident in taking care of her needs until he is able to be there will her fully once he completes his goal. Key word with these men "Build".

Mid life crisis or tunnel phase.

King phase/Elders: Usually men in this phase want women to be receivers of their gifts they have come to peace with who they are and are comfortable in their own skin.

Now, yes there are some exceptions to these rules but for the most part this will help us women understand the phase that your man is in and be able to navigate these choppy waters.

Let me know your thoughts.

Best,
Almond Eyes
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I agree with everything you posted! Much clarity was provided by the categories, but I think what I gleaned most is that a man's journey is very personal and we have to support them through it whether it means we remain a romantic interest or not. Per AA, the right woman can come along and if he isnt ready, it will simply be a missed opportunity. Its sad coming to terms with this, but Im realizing its important to trust the process and know that if its meant to be, it WILL BE. Realizing he's not ready and taking a more hands off approach will also benefit the woman, because she can expend her energy with a gent that is better prepared to receive what she has to give. I think trying not to take this personal can be challenging (at least for me it is), but in this situation the woman really is NOT at fault.

"The need for adventure is needed in every stage." I know of a couple that broke up mainly because the man was extremely extroverted and the woman couldnt tolerate it. There were def other factors at play, but I think going out may have provided a sense of adventure for him, AA states that you cant get between a man and his adventure and that they will never grow out of it. Based on this, I think its important to recognize what activities provide your a man with a sense of adventure and learn how to support that part of him.

Belle Du Jour said:
I started listening to this on the way to work. Mistake. I didn't want to stop. She is SO good! She makes me want to just scoop up all the men and give them a sisterly hug. They are not being bad. They are just acting at THEIR level, which really doesn't have a value attached to it. It is what it is. AA can sell me anything!
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Trying to drill this into my head!! Lol

almond eyes said:
I used to think that being a 'self centered woman' was a bad thing. And mind you we are not talking narcissistic but a woman who is feeling herself is very appealing to men. But I realize it is a good thing draw men in. I remember many years ago agonizing whether to call a man or not and stressing away for weeks only to call him and walk away very embarrassed. I didn't realize that all along I had that power and once I picked up that phone or chased him I gave my power away.

I love your points about men feeling so scared about being frog farmed that they get scared. I guess as a woman that is our job to gently reel them in and stroke and massage rather than tame their ego. And if he still doesn't come around it means he isn't the one.

I don't like the word passive I should have chosen a better word, but I read that book by the black female author who studied men and women all over the world who had successful marriages. Now in a tango there has to be a leader who does the dipping and the turning. And the follower (perhaps better word than passive) who does the dip and the dive, but also has to wrap their leg around the leader and also has to walk and step in unison with the leader and glide. The follower has to be strong and agile and be able to keep up with her partner. If the follower isn't strong enough to hold the pose the both of them can fall or the dance can look very sloppy. It is actually the follower that makes the leader look graceful with their leg and arm movements. Women compliment men and should do so instead of trying to be like them and let men think they are leading with in actuality they actually need the follower a great deal. It takes two.

Best,
Almond Eyes
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This further cements why 2016 is all about ME!! Im committed to building and nurturing myself physically, mentally and spiritually and making sure Im creating space to feel my absolute best. The right man will not be put off by this, but instead will insert himself and do everything in his power to shift my focus to him.
 
Belle Du Jour said:
I got the audible for that along with Celebrating Partnership...looking forward to listening to them.
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Gonna get the audible to Celebrating Partnerships, so we can discuss as well. Im listening to Keys to the Kingdom, but the fictional route doesnt resonate with me and is difficult to get into. I roll my eyes every time she talks about somebody's peircing blue eyes or flaxen blond hair. Lol
 
Chocoluxe said:
I agree with everything you posted! Much clarity was provided by the categories, but I think what I gleaned most is that a man's journey is very personal and we have to support them through it whether it means we remain a romantic interest or not. Per AA, the right woman can come along and if he isnt ready, it will simply be a missed opportunity. Its sad coming to terms with this, but Im realizing its important to trust the process and know that if its meant to be, it WILL BE. Realizing he's not ready and taking a more hands off approach will also benefit the woman, because she can expend her energy with a gent that is better prepared to receive what she has to give. I think trying not to take this personal can be challenging (at least for me it is), but in this situation the woman really is NOT at fault.

"The need for adventure is needed in every stage." I know of a couple that broke up mainly because the man was extremely extroverted and the woman couldnt tolerate it. There were def other factors at play, but I think going out may have provided a sense of adventure for him, AA states that you cant get between a man and his adventure and that they will never grow out of it. Based on this, I think its important to recognize what activities provide your a man with a sense of adventure and learn how to support that part of him.



Trying to drill this into my head!! Lol



This further cements why 2016 is all about ME!! Im committed to building and nurturing myself physically, mentally and spiritually and making sure Im creating space to feel my absolute best. The right man will not be put off by this, but instead will insert himself and do everything in his power to shift my focus to him.
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Great analysis.

Let me know about Celebrating Partnerships. I need an opinion before purchasing. I am beginning to get it now.

Best,
Almond Eyes
 
A month ago I was frustrated about something and I shared my frustrations with a close male friend.

Yesterday he reaches out to me about the issue, offering help if I needed it.

I was surprised. This was a month ago. The issue is over. done. no longer existing.

I didn't even know he was still thinking about it. So sweet, I really just needed a listening ear, but I think he wanted to solve it.

so much learning....
 
LoveisYou said:
The The Queen "pays attention to what her needs being met gives her, so she can be something for others." AA

Ladies, how are you ensuring that your needs are met?
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For me it's keeping up with what relaxes me and makes me happy and not letting anything interfere with that. For example I had a date scheduled for tonight but I forgot that Thursday nights are when my Zumba classes are. So I asked him to reschedule the date. He was happy to accommodate. This is new for me. The old me would've gone on the date and then resent him for it later. I guess I'm growing up. :lol:
 
Chocoluxe said:
a man's journey is very personal and we have to support them through it whether it means we remain a romantic interest or not. Per AA, the right woman can come along and if he isnt ready, it will simply be a missed opportunity. Its sad coming to terms with this, but Im realizing its important to trust the process and know that if its meant to be, it WILL BE. Realizing he's not ready and taking a more hands off approach will also benefit the woman, because she can expend her energy with a gent that is better prepared to receive what she has to give. I think trying not to take this personal can be challenging (at least for me it is), but in this situation the woman really is NOT at fault
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This is really hard for me to come to terms with. I know it's the truth though.
 
Paging @Ivonnovi and the other beautiful ladies of this thread,

So, this thing whole AA information has been working so well in fact too well, exes and men that are taken are becoming a bit much now with the attention and at times it is overwhelming. And it isn't just about that whole angle either it is about my celebrating my femininity a lot more and not hiding from it.

I am going to a party on Friday, lots of men will be there. So, how do I sort quickly for four to six hours. And the party will be in a dimmed placed outside at my friend's house. If I see a man that I like can I just put myself in his vision and wait for him to come and talk to me or can I go and stand with his group if he is in a conversation. And advise for looking fly?

Thanks in advance.

Best,
Jumoke
 
Ivonnovi said:
@almond eyes Girl it's too cold outside here for me to answer this without being envious!!!!!!
J/K I'm marking my spot and will be back after giving this some thought.
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Yes, I am in a warm climate!!!!!!

Good luck in that snow.

Mind you my crush will be there. And he has been really responding to me these days.

Best,
Almond Eyes
 
almond eyes said:
Paging @Ivonnovi and the other beautiful ladies of this thread,

So, this thing whole AA information has been working so well in fact too well, exes and men that are taken are becoming a bit much now with the attention and at times it is overwhelming. And it isn't just about that whole angle either it is about my celebrating my femininity a lot more and not hiding from it.

I am going to a party on Friday, lots of men will be there. So, how do I sort quickly for four to six hours. And the party will be in a dimmed placed outside at my friend's house. If I see a man that I like can I just put myself in his vision and wait for him to come and talk to me or can I go and stand with his group if he is in a conversation. And advise for looking fly?

Thanks in advance.

Best,
Jumoke
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I’m not really in the dating zone (mood) right now so I’m going to try to respond diplomatically.



1. In another post you stated that your crush will be there.

a. Remember and keep in mind what AA says about how “we” act/contort our true selves when we are [fawning] over a particular guy.​


2. Regarding sorting. Aside from the characteristics of your crush; I’d suggest you actually type out what characteristics you actually like in a mate, along with a few questions you could ask to determine if a the attendee has potential.

a. Of course you won’t take this list with you, but by doing this and rehearsing the questions; you’ll develop and memorize a few good talking points to help you sort.​

i. In my case I’m looking for wit, intelligence, honesty, and of course a sense of humor. You could use a calculated current event question to determine his views, sentiment, and of course honesty; and rule out the “Don’t hate the player, hate the game” personalities.

Notes from In Sych and TQC:

A man’s opinions are formed from 2 sources. His values (qualities that express his identity of how he is as a person and a man); AND trusted information”. **Don’t challenge them on it but softly acknowledge that you see things a little differently, and ask if they are receptive to hearing it.​


3. Regarding positioning yourself to be somehow engaged by your crush ….see #1. [Or yes, be direct approach him; tell him you plan to mingle for a minute or two (as is appropriate) but that you’d like to pick his brain on something….over drinks…. Not in a flirtatious manner but in a “Hey it’s good to see you (familiar face), let’s catch up” way. ….That’s all I got for now….



I typed #3 and then turned on my audible bookmarks to the spot where she says that:

“Hunters (he)don’t ask other Hunters (she) out”. Be careful with that positioning..........:rose:
 
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Ivonnovi said:
I’m not really in the dating zone (mood) right now so I’m going to try to respond diplomatically.



1. In another post you stated that your crush will be there.

a. Remember and keep in mind what AA says about how “we” act/contort our true selves when we are [fawning] over a particular guy.​


2. Regarding sorting. Aside from the characteristics of your crush; I’d suggest you actually type out what characteristics you actually like in a mate, along with a few questions you could ask to determine if a the attendee has potential.

a. Of course you won’t take this list with you, but by doing this and rehearsing the questions; you’ll develop and memorize a few good talking points to help you sort.​

i. In my case I’m looking for wit, intelligence, honesty, and of course a sense of humor. You could use a calculated current event question to determine his views, sentiment, and of course honesty; and rule out the “Don’t hate the player, hate the game” personalities.

Notes from In Sych and TQC:

A man’s opinions are formed from 2 sources. His values (qualities that express his identity of how he is as a person and a man); AND trusted information”. **Don’t challenge them on it but softly acknowledge that you see things a little differently, and ask if they are receptive to hearing it.​


3. Regarding positioning yourself to be somehow engaged by your crush ….see #1. [Or yes, be direct approach him; tell him iyou plan to mingle for a minute or too (as is appropriate) but that you’d like to pick his brain on something….over drinks…. Not in a flirtatious manner but in a “Hey it’s good to see you (familiar face), let’s catch up” way. ….That’s all I got for now….



I typed #3 then turned on my audible book marks to the spot where she says that

“Hunters (he)don’t ask other Hunters (she0 out”. Be careful with that positioning..........:rose:
Click to expand...


I appreciate this a lot especially since you said you are not in dating mode zone.

Great points for me to remember especially the point about over fawning over a crush. What in your opinion constitutes fawning?

Thanks also much.

Best,
Almond Eyes
 
Ivonnovi said:
I’m not really in the dating zone (mood) right now so I’m going to try to respond diplomatically.



1. In another post you stated that your crush will be there.

a. Remember and keep in mind what AA says about how “we” act/contort our true selves when we are [fawning] over a particular guy.​


2. Regarding sorting. Aside from the characteristics of your crush; I’d suggest you actually type out what characteristics you actually like in a mate, along with a few questions you could ask to determine if a the attendee has potential.

a. Of course you won’t take this list with you, but by doing this and rehearsing the questions; you’ll develop and memorize a few good talking points to help you sort.​

i. In my case I’m looking for wit, intelligence, honesty, and of course a sense of humor. You could use a calculated current event question to determine his views, sentiment, and of course honesty; and rule out the “Don’t hate the player, hate the game” personalities.

Notes from In Sych and TQC:

A man’s opinions are formed from 2 sources. His values (qualities that express his identity of how he is as a person and a man); AND trusted information”. **Don’t challenge them on it but softly acknowledge that you see things a little differently, and ask if they are receptive to hearing it.​


3. Regarding positioning yourself to be somehow engaged by your crush ….see #1. [Or yes, be direct approach him; tell him iyou plan to mingle for a minute or too (as is appropriate) but that you’d like to pick his brain on something….over drinks…. Not in a flirtatious manner but in a “Hey it’s good to see you (familiar face), let’s catch up” way. ….That’s all I got for now….



I typed #3 then turned on my audible book marks to the spot where she says that

“Hunters (he)don’t ask other Hunters (she0 out”. Be careful with that positioning..........:rose:
Click to expand...
I agree with this whole post! :yep: Good luck @almond eyes !! You can do it!
 
caribeandiva said:
It's a very insightful article. He's absolutely right. He's validating everything Alison Armstrong has been saying for years now. All of this could've been avoided if they had her information.
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That is exactly what I thought as I was reading it! I know I don't get on here as much, but I really had to share and say that the knowledge I gained from her books blesses me every day.
 
hopeful said:
But so many of them won't read one single article or book about women, relationships, or marriage.
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Tell me about it. One of my brothers has been married for years now. When he was having marriage problems I told him to start reading marriage books such as The 5 love languages and Boundaries (I hadn't discovered Alison Armstrong yet). His answer? "I don't need to read relationship books. God is the only marriage advisor I need so he's the only one I listen to." I wanted to say that God usually works through other people to help you but I dropped it. He probably thought that I had no clue what I was talking about because I'm single and never been married before.
 
I have no idea how to avoid fawning. I've not been in that position in so long till honestly, I've forgotten what it feels like.
HOWEVER, going out of your way for him or to be accessible for him are two things that I'm better aware of the need to avoid.
Another poster talked about how she almost skipped her regular Zumba class to accommodate a potential Date, but instead she changed the Date. I've done this in the all too recent past and was clueless about how "accommodating" I was being until I read her post. I shared this to show how at times "we" don't even realize we are compromising our goals /desires for others.
​
Regarding the :doingdishes:Dirty Glasses (Article linked above). I believe that AA says that we must literally "spell out" what their doing simple tasks does for us, how it makes us feel:dinner:, & what the gesture indicates:flowers:. Thus we are letting them know how they can earn points (something they like to do) versus us instead complaining about the same ignored tasks :deadhorse:over &:hammer: over.
I still think it's a darn shame we have to do it but "OH WELL".
 
Ivonnovi said:
I have no idea how to avoid fawning. I've not been in that position in so long till honestly, I've forgotten what it feels like.
HOWEVER, going out of your way for him or to be accessible for him are two things that I'm better aware of the need to avoid.
Another poster talked about how she almost skipped her regular Zumba class to accommodate a potential Date, but instead she changed the Date. I've done this in the all too recent past and was clueless about how "accommodating" I was being until I read her post. I shared this to show how at times "we" don't even realize we are compromising our goals /desires for others.
​
Regarding the :doingdishes:Dirty Glasses (Article linked above). I believe that AA says that we must literally "spell out" what their doing simple tasks does for us, how it makes us feel:dinner:, & what the gesture indicates:flowers:. Thus we are letting them know how they can earn points (something they like to do) versus us instead complaining about the same ignored tasks :deadhorse:over &:hammer: over.
I still think it's a darn shame we have to do it but "OH WELL".
Click to expand...


Perfect definition of fawning. I can definitely say I used to do that a lot and now I know better.

Agreement about the Dirty Glasses article. I have learnt too not to complain and nag just spell it out in a nice way. Helpful reminder. Thanks TracyNicole

Best,
Almond Eyes
 
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