The Queen's Code By Alison Armstrong Bookclub

Any suggestions for letting a guy gently know that he has no chance with you (from TQC perspective)? :look:
My initial thoughts was to not be receptive to things that he is trying to give me. I did something nice for him and he gave me flowers and a book. Then told me he has other gifts for me...then said some cryptic stuff that made me think he has the wrong idea about our acquaintanceship. I was going to refuse any other gift that he has for me. What would y'all do?

*sigh* It's NEVER the ones you want!
 
Belle Du Jour said:
Any suggestions for letting a guy gently know that he has no chance with you (from TQC perspective)? :look:
My initial thoughts was to not be receptive to things that he is trying to give me. I did something nice for him and he gave me flowers and a book. Then told me he has other gifts for me...then said some cryptic stuff that made me think he has the wrong idea about our acquaintanceship. I was going to refuse any other gift that he has for me. What would y'all do?

*sigh* It's NEVER the ones you want!
Click to expand...
I'd say something along those line: "Jake (let's pretend that's his name), thank you everything, especially the flowers and the book. I'm afraid you have the wrong idea about what's going on here. I have no romantic feelings for you. I only like you as a friend. Accepting any more gifts from you makes me uncomfortable because of what I just said. Good luck with everything. The right girl for you is out there. She just isn't me."
 
caribeandiva said:
I'd say something along those line: "Jake (let's pretend that's his name), thank you everything, especially the flowers and the book. I'm afraid you have the wrong idea about what's going on here. I have no romantic feelings for you. I only like you as a friend. Accepting any more gifts from you makes me uncomfortable because of what I just said. Good luck with everything. The right girl for you is out there. She just isn't me."
Click to expand...

Thank you. That's a very direct response.
 
hopeful said:
I wouldn't say anything. Just thank you or no thank you and KIM. I don't think you owe him any more than that. He hasn't explicitly asked you out or said he liked you. I wouldn't put myself out like that. He's being cryptic so you do the same.
Click to expand...
:scratchchin: That right there is key. @Belle Du Jour Since that's the case then you should definitely listen to Hopeful. :yep: Don't expose your hand until he shows you his.
 
Started reading this book yesterday, I guess I'll finally really check out this thread.

Just started taking to this guy who's really sweet and nice, though a little much at times lol, for some reason dealing with him sometimes brings out my inner mean girl. I've been working on keeping her more in check when he does something that annoys or aggravates me, figured this book could help.
 
The course looks interesting. I just signed up for a Fascinating Womanhood course or I would definitely take it. Is anyone here considering?
 
Belle Du Jour said:
Any suggestions for letting a guy gently know that he has no chance with you (from TQC perspective)? :look:
My initial thoughts was to not be receptive to things that he is trying to give me. I did something nice for him and he gave me flowers and a book. Then told me he has other gifts for me...then said some cryptic stuff that made me think he has the wrong idea about our acquaintanceship. I was going to refuse any other gift that he has for me. What would y'all do?

*sigh* It's NEVER the ones you want!
Click to expand...

Just to follow up, I pulled back from him . He still tried to give me little things but I always rejected them (but he usually insisted I take them). I think he started to get the message and pulled back as well (men are always responding to us!) so I started feeling comfortable engaging him again.

He started to get the wrong idea again...unfortunately this is someone I have to see regularly. I want to continue being friendly and feminine with him but I don't want him to get the wrong idea. Thoughts?
 
Belle Du Jour said:
Just to follow up, I pulled back from him . He still tried to give me little things but I always rejected them (but he usually insisted I take them). I think he started to get the message and pulled back as well (men are always responding to us!) so I started feeling comfortable engaging him again.

He started to get the wrong idea again...unfortunately this is someone I have to see regularly. I want to continue being friendly and feminine with him but I don't want him to get the wrong idea. Thoughts?
Click to expand...
I'm at a loss here. Maybe the other wise ladies here can chime in.
 
Belle Du Jour said:
Just to follow up, I pulled back from him . He still tried to give me little things but I always rejected them (but he usually insisted I take them). I think he started to get the message and pulled back as well (men are always responding to us!) so I started feeling comfortable engaging him again.

He started to get the wrong idea again...unfortunately this is someone I have to see regularly. I want to continue being friendly and feminine with him but I don't want him to get the wrong idea. Thoughts?
Click to expand...

Just continue being friendly with him and decline his gifts or even accept them. Just decline any dates etc. Good practice for setting and maintaining boundaries. Or if he's getting on your nerves move on. He's shown you who he is. You aren't going to be able to change that. The Queen's Code isn't magic. If a man is silly or refuses to take hints it is what it is. IMO QC reveals people's nature more quickly, but doesn't change anyone.
 
Ahhh I didn't know there was a thread just for this book! I'm reading it, taking it in piece by piece, as I'm working to apply the principles as I go along. Now to page 1 to read through this thread.
 
andromeda said:
I don't think we have a keys to the kingdom thread…anyone with experience dating a middle prince? I'm quite frustrated because SO is great but I feel like I met him at the wrong stage. I probably never should've let it get to the point of being an SO.
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What is he doing? Constantly building with no time for you or the relationship?
 
@andromeda
I know you didn’t ask but if it were me I’d ghost him and KIM or I’d tell him directly that we were done and if/when he wanted a real relationship he could contact me and if I was available and still interested we’d take it from there. He’s not giving you what you want. You don’t feel safe with him. Give him the deuces. He’s wasting your pretty, precious time.

The more you talk and wait the less respect he will have for you and the less respect you will have for yourself. For whatever reason he is not ready and he is not the one for you. The reason doesn’t matter at all. All that matters is that you deserve a real, authentic relationship with a man who is interested and sees you as the prize. Don’t believe the sex stuff is the issue. He’s using that as a way to keep his distance from you while making himself look and feel honorable. He is all about him. So meh let him date himself. There is someone better out there for you. And besides you can treat yourself way better than he is treating you. Trust yourself, trust the universe, love on you, take good care of you.

And if you break up and decide to tell him directly, tell him how it is going to be, period. Don’t let him negotiate with you. Just say good bye. What you deserve is not negotiable. Leaving you hanging is unacceptable. Stand your ground and move forward. I know it won’t be easy but you can do it.
 
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I may have already said what I want to share but I can’t remember. The Queen’s Code helped guide me to divorcing my husband. I followed her advice to a T. Put down my sword, stopped trying to lead and control, and I guess just let go of being a king. Initially he responded beautifully. He was much sweeter to me and kinder, briefly I felt loved like I did when we first got together. But as the weeks passed I realized why I had picked up the sword in the first place. I was subconsciously protecting myself from him. I was avoiding the truth, that he didn’t love me and that I couldn’t trust him.

When you put down your sword you feel very vulnerable, naked. When you realize that you don’t feel safe with a man it is natural to pick up a sword, to want to protect yourself. But I think what is best is to walk away. Move on and let go. Holding a sword constantly is exhausting and eats away at your femininity and happiness. What are we fighting for when we are wielding a sword? What do we hope to accomplish? Other than protecting ourselves from deep hurt, we never make him man up, love us, genuinely want to serve us, or really want to be with us if that is not the case.

I am so glad that I read the Queen’s Code because it pretty quickly helped me see that my dh at the time was not the one. Other than that I don’t really agree with a lot of what she says. I found her ideas archaic, exhausting, and far too male-centered. I just don’t want to be with a guy that has to constantly be led and encouraged to provide. I don’t want to be bothered with learning a new language for him.

But I guess what I am saying is that from my experience putting down your sword is a very good tool or technique to see if a person is safe to be with or be around. IMO the instinct to pick up a sword is a sign that you don’t feel safe.
 
hopeful said:
@andromeda
I know you didn’t ask but if it were me I’d ghost him and KIM or I’d tell him directly that we were done and if/when he wanted a real relationship he could contact me and if I was available and still interested we’d take it from there. He’s not giving you what you want. You don’t feel safe with him. Give him the deuces. He’s wasting your pretty, precious time.

The more you talk and wait the less respect he will have for you and the less respect you will have for yourself. For whatever reason he is not ready and he is not the one for you. The reason doesn’t matter at all. All that matters is that you deserve a real, authentic relationship with a man who is interested and sees you as the prize. Don’t believe the sex stuff is the issue. He’s using that as a way to keep his distance from you while making himself look and feel honorable. He is all about him. So meh let him date himself. There is someone better out there for you. And besides you can treat yourself way better than he is treating you. Trust yourself, trust the universe, love on you, take good care of you.

And if you break up and decide to tell him directly, tell him how it is going to be, period. Don’t let him negotiate with you. Just say good bye. What you deserve is not negotiable. Leaving you hanging is unacceptable. Stand your ground and move forward. I know it won’t be easy but you can do it.
Click to expand...
Thanks, hopeful. I appreciate this directness, along with your candor. I was actually very direct a couple of weeks ago and said a lot of what you did. I need what I need and I want what I want and his behavior isn't matching up with that.

Then AA got in my mind and I started thinking about how the mid-prince needs for the woman to accept what he can provide at the time, men aren't "messing up" they just can't multitask , etc.

I have to look out for me.
 
andromeda said:
Thanks, hopeful. I appreciate this directness, along with your candor. I was actually very direct a couple of weeks ago and said a lot of what you did. I need what I need and I want what I want and his behavior isn't matching up with that.

Then AA got in my mind and I started thinking about how the mid-prince needs for the woman to accept what he can provide at the time, men aren't "messing up" they just can't multitask , etc.

I have to look out for me.
Click to expand...

Thanks. I know I was being very direct. I just want you to be happy and get what you deserve. You can and should accept what he can offer AND decide it isn’t enough. I recently read something that said never get into the habit of waiting and putting your life on hold. It is a very bad habit. He isn’t putting his life on hold. He is doing exactly what he wants to do and so should you. I think a lot us suffer from FOMO, fear of missing out. Like you know the next woman will get what I wanted. He may be any day from now what I am hoping for. It’s like being on a hook. You can’t move, you can’t go anywhere, you are unhappy and just waiting and waiting. And sure 6 months after you leave he may be engaged to someone. So what? She will be the one sitting at home waiting for him to come home, find time for her, take her on the elusive dates.

So meh, like I said, you can do better. Wish me happy New Year’s 3 days later? Nope nope nope! We are not having that. Lean all of the way back sis and allow yourself to be mad at him for wasting your time. Then let him go and forgive yourself for hoping and waiting a little too long. It’s ok and it’s all good. Life goes on. And the best is yet to come.

And yes, you have to look out for you:yep:.
 
@andromeda I agree with @hopeful . This dude is ALL over the place!! You must be very patient dealing with his shenanigans. He’s not giving you what you want. So cut your losses and find someone who will before you waste any more time on this one. He’s got issues and it’s not your job to help him with those. It’s hard but you can do it!
 
hopeful said:
Thanks. I know I was being very direct. I just want you to be happy and get what you deserve. You can and should accept what he can offer AND decide it isn’t enough. I recently read something that said never get into the habit of waiting and putting your life on hold. It is a very bad habit. He isn’t putting his life on hold. He is doing exactly what he wants to do and so should you. I think a lot us suffer from FOMO, fear of missing out. Like you know the next woman will get what I wanted. He may be any day from now what I am hoping for. It’s like being on a hook. You can’t move, you can’t go anywhere, you are unhappy and just waiting and waiting. And sure 6 months after you leave he may be engaged to someone. So what? She will be the one sitting at home waiting for him to come home, find time for her, take her on the elusive dates.

So meh, like I said, you can do better. Wish me happy New Year’s 3 days later? Nope nope nope! We are not having that. Lean all of the way back sis and allow yourself to be mad at him for wasting your time. Then let him go and forgive yourself for hoping and waiting a little too long. It’s ok and it’s all good. Life goes on. And the best is yet to come.

And yes, you have to look out for you:yep:.
Click to expand...
I absolutely have fomo. Big time.

I'm now circling back to the more helpful fomo of missing out on a happy marriage. There are some other factors that my gut tells me would make for a resentful marriage even if he did go back to being marriage-minded and consistent in making me feel how I need to feel. That will keep my head on straight here (but of course I ultimately will get back on point from a place of empowerment rather than fear).

I was in my own career transition, renovations and a side project summer -fall and the busyness that came with it made it easy for me to not budge from the hook. He was materially supportive with all of them, which also added to my inertia.

I did take my eye off the ball. I'm going to forgive myself for that. So long as I stick to dating for marriage, not getting cuffed prematurely and not getting too distracted by the "kindred spirit" stuff, I'll be okay. I'm sort of excited.

Thanks, hopeful :yep: I really value your perspective.
caribeandiva said:
@andromeda I agree with @hopeful . This dude is ALL over the place!! You must be very patient dealing with his shenanigans. He’s not giving you what you want. So cut your losses and find someone who will before you waste any more time on this one. He’s got issues and it’s not your job to help him with those. It’s hard but you can do it!
Click to expand...
Thank you caribeandiva, esp for that last bit.

Your words were pretty much my initial reaction to this most recent episode. I dont have the patience, it's not my role, my feminity is offended and I'm not wasting my time in 2018 anymore.

As hopeful said, there's a certain discernment that comes with putting down the sword if one's eyes are really open. I think that's a huge takeaway to have in mind with AA. Going to embrace that and continue nurturing and being compassionate to myself.
 
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