"The Good Men" ... Where are they at?

[Syrah]

Forget defining what's good - we're just going to assume that we're talking about goal oriented, educated and/or entrepreneurial men of good character.

Constantly on the relationship board we have discussions of "good men" and their perceived abundance/scarcity. Some of us see them all over the place. Other's of us think they are nowhere to be found.

What is happening in the community that is making it difficult for "good men" and the "good women" who seek them to meet in the middle? Why do some of us see them everywhere and others of us think they simply don't exist? Is there something we can do to change the circumstances?

 

[ambergirl]

I don't think we can get around our differing definitions of "good". In fact that may be one reason why some of us see so many good men while others don't.

That aside some possible factors (although I could be wrong and welcome discussion)

- A lot of black women are very religious and that can be a turn off for some men.

- Many upwardly mobile black men prefer to date women of other races...at least I see this a lot in Cali. I was at a meeting a few weeks ago with several high powered, high achieving black men of various ages and not one of them was married to a black woman.

- Once you leave college it's harder for men and women to meet in a more casual way other than through work or friends.

- ETA: There are more good women then good men - regardless of race but particularly in the black community.

 

[Katherina]

I think it's mostly location...

Most of my friends who complain about scarcity live in areas (eg. Jackson, MS - correct me if I'm wrong because this is only from one person's experience) where "good men" are scarce (duh). If they want better selection, they need to move.

Where do they need to move? IDK. . . we should list those cities in this thread.

 

[blackmaven]

The good men are probably wondering where are the good women? LOL

 

[LunadeMiel]

I know quite a bit of single "good". Here are three examples.
#1. Is from Uganda. Just got into Law school. Mother is dipomat and I believe dad works in the UN.
#2. Very hardworking, loving and dedicated (he's Nigerian). He was getting ready to propose to his girlfriend when she told him she wanted to see other people. Also college grad
#3 is an computer engineer who just got a position with Goldman sacks

So they are out there

I'm currently trying to hook them up with some Haitian sisters. I have to look out for my people

 

[MissMasala5]

I think it's mostly location...

Most of my friends who complain about scarcity live in areas (eg. Jackson, MS - correct me if I'm wrong because this is only from one person's experience) where "good men" are scarce (duh). If they want better selection, they need to move.

Where do they need to move? IDK. . . we should list those cities in this thread.

I have many male relatives there, good men, handsome, too, but they have already been snatched up

 

[SuchMagnificent]

When I saw the title of this thread I instantly thought of where's waldo. I mean the concept is pretty much the same. Looking for "the guy" while being distracted by guys who look like him, dressed like him, and situations that make you think thats him...I say all that to say....it took me forever and a day to find waldo when I was a kid and my luck aint changed now.

 

[lushcoils]

Dating other races while the good bw is waiting for her black prince.
Or dating bad bw, overlooking the good bw because they aren't flashy enough and wondering where the good bw are.

 

[tuffCOOKiE]

I find good men all the time, but can't find the one that's "my type". You know, the one that loves you, loves you?

There's no spark there. They are incredibly attractive on paper, but they usually lack charm and experience with dealing with a woman especially a woman like me. And what am I to do? hold on to them until they mature? Ripen, like a mango? What am I supposed to eat in the meantime?

lol

 

[Syrah]

The good men are probably wondering where are the good women? LOL

They are, and thats what lead me to ask the question. Here on LHCF the belief is that they are few and far between. Forget men who want non-black women and women who want non-black men. What about those who are looking for equally yolked BLACK partners? The interesting part is, offline, amongst my male friends and classmates, they are asking the same question - "where are they at?" and I'm wondering - why aren't the two meeting in the middle?

Some Hypotheses:
Are successful black men and black women are drawn to different geographic areas? Men pursuing careers in finance and law are drawn to cities like New York, Boston, Chicago and DC while women gravitate toward other areas?

Do successful black men or women have demands or expectations that the other side is unable to meet? These could be physical, motivational etc.

Or is it simply a matter of the two having different social interests - or different social outings? For example, I've noticed that amongst my female friends and classmates, as people attain varying degrees of success (however you define it), we tend to gravitate away from clubs and events for the masses and opt for "First Fridays" and more exclusive events. The brothers I know that are on par with these women - yea they hit the lounges, and the "urban professional events" but are just as likely to be found at the clubs, lounges and parties for the masses. Women move away from the clubs, men stick with it a bit longer.

A part of me wonders if what is needed is something along the lines of Millionaire Matchmaker (obviously not limited to millionaires) but a system through which individuals with similar levels of success can associate with each other in "closed environments".

Where is this all coming from? I went out with the fellas over the weekend - we've been asking to see them "in action" and they finally said "come along". Turned out to be a blast. But at the end of the night we asked "so how were the pickings" (not in those words) and despite talking with a number of females, they all said they met a bunch of "playpals" but nothing that was marriage material. No kidding. Why are you going to the CLUB to meet marriage material???

And they said "well, where should we go?" And I DIDN'T HAVE AN ANSWER.

Where do equally yolked marriage minded black folks go to meet each other?!

Maybe part of the problem is that in the black community, we leave soooooo much up to chance and churches. Maybe we need to change that.

:::just thinking out loud:::

 

[Syrah]

When I saw the title of this thread I instantly thought of where's waldo. I mean the concept is pretty much the same. Looking for "the guy" while being distracted by guys who look like him, dressed like him, and situations that make you think thats him...I say all that to say....it took me forever and a day to find waldo when I was a kid and my luck aint changed now.

This is exactly what I'm talking about. And it sounds like the brothers are having the same problem.

What's interesting is that career oriented programs intended to help black folks pursuit certain careers (i.e. law, medicine and business) such as MLT are starting to play this informal role of provide the means through which black men and black women of similar motivations can meet.

Again, I'm wondering - maybe as a community we're not as proactive as we should be about bringing people together. That unlike other communities, we leave the meeting and marrying of the foundation of our community to chance...and maybe that needs to change.

 

[lushcoils]

If good men means black men there are plenty of black events for good black men and good black women to meet each other especially if you live in urban area with a decent sized black population. There's black professional events, black alumni events, black graduate student conventions, black singles events, black jazz festivals, a Black Love Connection Thread on LHCF , etc etc. So what's the issue? What aren't these good black men asking good black women out? Something isn't adding up here.

This reminds me of a group on Blackplanet called "a few good men" filled of thousands of good black men and women. Someone posted a thread, if we're so good, why are most of still single? Why don't we try dating each other? No one had a logical answer.

 

[Syrah]

If good men means black men there are plenty of black events for good black men and good black women to meet each other especially if you live in urban area with a decent sized black population. There's black professional events, black alumni events, black graduate student conventions, black singles events, black jazz festivals, a Black Love Connection Thread on LHCF , etc etc. So what's the issue? What aren't these good black men asking good black women out? Something isn't adding up here.

This reminds me of a group on Blackplanet called "a few good men" filled of thousands of good black men and women. Someone posted a thread, if we're so good, why are most of still single? Why don't we try dating each other? No one had a logical answer.

But here's the thing - while all of these events are catered toward successful black folks, how many of the attendees are actually successful black folks?

There's one group in NYC that I've been to a couple of events where the folks are what they intended, but most of the time, not so much. I realize I stopped going to First Fridays, "Urban Professional Mixers" and Black Singles Events typically because the people that are at these events don't fit the bill. How many First Friday's have you been to where a) the female to male ratio was about 7:1 b) the age range of attendees was so wide that the 37+ men spent their time chasing the under 20 females? Graduate conferences are great for career networking, but I'd be hesitant to exchange numbers with someone attractive in the middle of a career fair. Not to mention - at the NBMBAA and NSHMBA parties, what percentage of the attendees are actually MBA grads/students (last time I went they had metal detectors!)?

I know the events exist, but are they serving their intended purpose? I'd say they are not because most of the time the revenues are associated with cover charges or bar percentages which means that promoters are more inclined to event as many people as possible to cover their costs or make money rather than try and maintain the "quality" of their audience.

Maybe what's out there isn't workign.

 

[lushcoils]

Girl, don't say that. That was my plan for meeting successful black men. Now, what am I going to do? Let me snag one up before I graduate since it's impossible to meet one after college.


Are you sure you are going to the right types of black events? Going to a event with a metal detector is not a good sign of the quality of men there. erplexed

Maybe it's an age thing. I'm 22 so I'm not going to events catered to the 30-40 crowd, or at least I try to avoid them. It seems to be quality young black men at the events I attend, the ones that are up and coming in their careers. The problem is that they don't seem to ask black women out (or at least not me) and want to sow their royal oats.

 

[Theo]

i don't think that the good men are hiding anywhere... they're living their life working, going to the gym, going to grocery stores, etc.

several of my male friends met their gfs in professional settings, school or at networking events. honestly, i don't think guys want to date the girls they meet at clubs. I mean, what kind of story is that at a wedding? "Yeah, I met Tiffany at Zanazibar.... the first thing I noticed about her was her *** in this purple dress she was wearing... she started grinding up on me and it felt amazing."

but if he met you at a conference and you guys ended up hitting it off at the social event later on that night, that's okay lol!


I think that if you're interested in meeting more men you really have to put work into expanding your circle. if you're not social, you need to become more social. i have a male friend who was interested in one of my friends, but lost interest b/c he never got the chance to talk to her.... one day he asked me out pretty randomly, and i told him i thought he was interested in so and so, but he said he kinda lost interest b/c he never got a chance to talk to her. she didn't go out much. not out to the club, but she wasn't at our professional events, birthday events for classmates, he never ran into her at the gym, etc. on the other hand, i was out and about and even though i didn't see him frequently, i ran into him enough to where he decided to ask me out eventually.

so its not like you meet somebody one time and expect them to want to take you out...its about building relationships over time, developing a social network....

if i decided today that i wanted to meet someone new and get married, this is what i would do.

i would attend office/xmas parties/alumni events/professional events of organizations that i belong to and also that my friends belong to. i invite my law school friends to the black med student events all the time. they're tapped into the black medical population in our city, and i've been able to tap into the black law school circle as well. i think its important to see and be seen. a lot of times, my friends wouldn't necessarily approach a girl the first time they saw her at networking event but after seeing her several times, after flirting with her and getting a sense of her personality.

professional events.... black professionals love to party and i've seen a few romances get ignited at these sorts of things. NABA, NBME, NABJ, SNMA, BLSA these people all have conferences and black men are in attendance.... i know b/c i've attended and seen them there. and yes, women do outnumber the men, but i manage to make some contacts and its not like i'm this extra flashy chick with guys falling at my feet lol.

honestly, i wouldn't worry as much about getting dressed to the nines and showing out. i know some of these things can be so intimidating b/c its like every woman has the flyyest outfit on and is gorgeous... but you need to get up underneath your group of girlfriends and give a guy some space to approach you, and start a conversation of some sort. he may or may not ask you out right then and there, but everything has to start somewhere.


ETA: Chicago ladies come to the UIC Wine and Cheese! Its hosted by the SNMA chapter at UIC Med, and is usually a fun time. One of my classmates met his current girlfriend there a year ago. The wine is not always of the best quality lol, but its decent

link! http://www2.uic.edu/stud_orgs/prof/snma/Store.html

 

[Mena]

I find good men all the time, but can't find the one that's "my type". You know, the one that loves you, loves you?

There's no spark there. They are incredibly attractive on paper, but they usually lack charm and experience with dealing with a woman especially a woman like me. And what am I to do? hold on to them until they mature? Ripen, like a mango? What am I supposed to eat in the meantime?

lol

I totally have this problem.
I have dated guys who parents were diplomats or they went to some of the top 5 bschools. Others have worked at some of the top management consulting firms. I always get play from guys that look good on paper. When it comes to dating, there is not a spark or anything or they have a terrible personality. I just haven't me that one that's for me.

 

[SuchMagnificent]

A part of me wonders if what is needed is something along the lines of Millionaire Matchmaker (obviously not limited to millionaires) but a system through which individuals with similar levels of success can associate with each other in "closed environments".

Where is this all coming from? I went out with the fellas over the weekend - we've been asking to see them "in action" and they finally said "come along". Turned out to be a blast. But at the end of the night we asked "so how were the pickings" (not in those words) and despite talking with a number of females, they all said they met a bunch of "playpals" but nothing that was marriage material. No kidding. Why are you going to the CLUB to meet marriage material???

And they said "well, where should we go?" And I DIDN'T HAVE AN ANSWER.

Where do equally yolked marriage minded black folks go to meet each other?!

Maybe part of the problem is that in the black community, we leave soooooo much up to chance and churches. Maybe we need to change that.

:::just thinking out loud:::

THIS.....is the million dollar question. I graduated from an online college, so I dont attend alumni events for local colleges in Houston, I work in pharmacy where the women to men ratio is atleast 5 to 1 and no black men. How do I network, expand my social network to meeting these good men? Post up on the treadmill at the gym even though I dont work out? The car wash, the footlocker/champs in the mall..where? The only place I know to meet men in a social environment is at the club/happy hour. Im open for speed dating but I dont even think they cater to AA's in Houston. I go to meetup.com and its groups called "Single in your 30s, 40 is the new 20, and ish like that. *typing all this just made me mad all over again*

 

[Phaer]

OK, hook a sister up, on a side note I am starting to like this forum alot, we sure get a lot for $6. But seriously, is there a meet up thread here? All I seem to do is work.

I know quite a bit of single "good". Here are three examples.
#1. Is from Uganda. Just got into Law school. Mother is dipomat and I believe dad works in the UN.
#2. Very hardworking, loving and dedicated (he's Nigerian). He was getting ready to propose to his girlfriend when she told him she wanted to see other people. Also college grad
#3 is an computer engineer who just got a position with Goldman sacks

So they are out there

I'm currently trying to hook them up with some Haitian sisters. I have to look out for my people

 

[Syrah]

The good men are probably wondering where are the good women? LOL

That's exactly what this thread is about. We're looking for them. They're looking for "us". Something isn't working. Can we fix it, and if so, how?!

 

[MissMasala5]

That's exactly what this thread is about. We're looking for them. They're looking for "us". Something isn't working. Can we fix it, and if so, how?!

A wise person once said, Two move along a circular path, opposite one another. One stops moving, and the other runs right into it.

Nine times out of ten, you have already been in his presence, and/or he in yours. But neither of you will know it until one of you stops. Let the other find you.

 

[Renewed1]

I'm thinking the question is.....are the good black men and women ready to meet each other?

We say yes, but do we (men/women) really mean it? Because I feel that a better selection of men would line up; they may not be "the one. But we would have a selection to choose from.

 

[luckiestdestiny]

Found mine (not bragging, but I'm happy and like to acknowledge that to the Universe)! I always try to acknowledge good things so as to invite in more and to practice gratitude.

Hmmm....off the top of my head....and this is just imo:
You can't see the water, if you're looking at the desert. Turn your head a bit....

1) location is something people mentioned but it's definitely true. In reference to location I'm not just talking about which state or what part of a city you live in but where you: interact with others in off hours.

Where do you go to meet men...clubs (blah)?, lounges (blah)?...I've heard of people meeting here but I'm running into tons of married and engaged couples lately (probably because my fiance travels in that circle) and they met in: 1)school (grad, and advanced degrees like medical, law, etc);
2)Artistic events: play openings, ballet, music (jazz, flamenco, other types of music events); festivals (different types from film festivals, to foodie festivals, etc); etc
3) Book stores (Pull up a chair at barnes and noble and smile every one in a while)
4) Whole foods (I kid you not)
5) Intellectually stimulating activities: Museums
6) cooking classes (just like a once a week thing); other types of classes like photography classes, etc. Things that aren't school related necessary but allow adults to expand their talents and also meet others.
7)ritzy hotel restaurants; restaurants around town (grab a book) that cater to certain upscale clientele

8)Social events: party's but not clubs (there's a distinction even if they're at clubs)...for a specific reason: Charity, birthday, etc. Basically places where friends will introduce you to others. These events no matter where they're held will not have the "pick up vibe" with a revolving door because they are there for a reason and its just for social interaction.
9) Smile and be confident and happy (and you won't have to do much, because they'll come out of the wood work but then you'll definitely have to filter and know your definition of the good guy)


Okay so now that's out of the way there's also:
Perception/discernment

You have to be able to filter through the bad guys. I can sniff them a hundred miles away even with their smiles and best behavior. Start looking at actions... for instance.does he hold the door open for you but slam it in the lady behind's face? Well then he's putting on the act of a gentle men but really isn't. Start filtering through their representative asap and noticing inconsistencies in character not just including actions but also words that contradict: "I didn't say

all

women are *****es, I'm saying she is." Well a guy whose destructive to one woman...what makes you think he won't turn his biting tongue on you later?

Asking your self why do you like him? If he's just good on paper, see if he's also good in person, and not just cute because that's just not enough: Does his values match to yours, are you a good mesh? Does he support you (or tear you down?); do you feel confident and safe with him. Does he send you direct (non confusing) signals of interest? If not then kim. Filtering through this mess helps to get on to the good guys.

Finally knowing your definition of a "good guy" and what you want of course will help to filter out what you don't. And then following up so to speak. Basically when you know it's time to filter, make it happen. Don't hang on to a guy because what if you're wrong? Trust your instincts. DOn't hang on to a guy because you're bored and he takes you out (make room for the worthy guy).

Oh and get rid of desperation. Desperation attracts: abusers, jerks, and basically all scummy types. Sadly no one (talking in our animal instinct) feels that sorry for the desperate...and lets face it guys don't respect it. If a deer in the jungle has a broken leg, there will be a lion on its way to have it for dinner (sounds tragic doesn't it? Don't be that deer). It's better to date no one when you're feeling desperate then to attract creeps.


Don't be afraid to be you. And stand up for your beliefs. The guys who leave: great! They make room for the guy whose perfect for you.

And a good one:
My fiance has most friends who are engaged, married, or newly weds (just married)....wanna know what he was interested in finding (his partner in life).

If you're around a guy with a lot of single friends...guess where his mind is? Sure you can be the one who changes the situation, but why risk it? He should at least be marriage minded and surrounded by at least some friends who are interested in marriage, or are married. It doesn't matter how good a guy is if he still wants to play the field and go clubbing every night.

 

[luckiestdestiny]

Oh and I forgot one:

Be open to receiving a good guy. No self sabotaging behavior!

 

[Mena]

thanks for that post.... i needed that one

 

[Britt]

I wonder too...
Another gf wonders the same, the other gf who was in the same boat, met her current and previous SO through her church circle. So that's where she lucked up. She always stressed to me the importance of going out tho to meet men, she kept emphasizing that I will not find one in the house, and that I have to go to certain events to meet them. IDK, the thought of going out like every Sat night or whenever w/ the hopes of finding a date and sifting through men seems daunting for me, especially being an introvert which doesn't help things. I find that it's easier to do online dating, or maybe just lucking up on dude where and when you least expect it.

 

[Mena]

^^^ Where do you live? Location could be the issue. There are some places where you just stumble over quality guys left and right ....and others where I have lived where no one checks for me at all.

 

[SUPER SWEET]

Yall should live near me or atleast in my old town. I host at home gatherings just to introduce GOOD BLACKMEN. The best part is that I have a group discussion at the end with a ton of in-depth personality and lifestyle questions. By 3am you know if you want to take him home or leave your phone number.

So bottom line, look at being open to introductions from friends and aquaintances. As a matter of fact i'm in a WEDDING because of my last gathering!

 

[Katherina]

I have many male relatives there, good men, handsome, too, but they have already been snatched up

So, do they have any...eligible friends? She says it's hopeless but it's probably just because she doesn't know where to look and only notices the loud obnoxious dudes.

 

[Katherina]

And a good one:
My fiance has most friends who are engaged, married, or newly weds (just married)....wanna know what he was interested in finding (his partner in life).

If you're around a guy with a lot of single friends...guess where his mind is? Sure you can be the one who changes the situation, but why risk it? He should at least be marriage minded and surrounded by at least some friends who are interested in marriage, or are married. It doesn't matter how good a guy is if he still wants to play the field and go clubbing every night.

Thank you for mentioning this. I haven't really been paying attention to whether or not a man has mostly single or married/engaged friends, but it's pretty telling about where he stands.

 

[dlewis]

I don't think we can get around our differing definitions of "good". In fact that may be one reason why some of us see so many good men while others don't.

That aside some possible factors (although I could be wrong and welcome discussion)

- A lot of black women are very religious and that can be a turn off for some men.

- Many upwardly mobile black men prefer to date women of other races...at least I see this a lot in Cali. I was at a meeting a few weeks ago with several high powered, high achieving black men of various ages and not one of them was married to a black woman.

- Once you leave college it's harder for men and women to meet in a more casual way other than through work or friends.

- ETA: There are more good women then good men - regardless of race but particularly in the black community.

I don't know if I believe that. Women are equally just as screwed up as men.