Taking His Last Name...

I'm currently having a breakdown on this. I do care deeply about my last name - it's unique, very ethnic, matches my first name and I identify with it strongly. It's an identity thing for me.

I'm most probably marrying my boyfriend who has a very very white American name. And I don't want to reject him and I want the entire family to have the same last name but my name will be lost (kinda) in the crowded hyphen and probably dropped in the next generation :(

I'm just sad all over about this.
 
tuffCOOKiE said:
I'm currently having a breakdown on this. I do care deeply about my last name - it's unique, very ethnic, matches my first name and I identify with it strongly. It's an identity thing for me.

I'm most probably marrying my boyfriend who has a very very white American name. And I don't want to reject him and I want the entire family to have the same last name but my name will be lost (kinda) in the crowded hyphen and probably dropped in the next generation :(

I'm just sad all over about this.
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If you're marrying someone, then how are you rejecting them? I never understood the male ego that suggests because you don't want to change your last name to his that you were somehow rejecting him. Marry him and having his kids isn't enough?

I've seen women whose last name is a proud marker of their true ethnicity and heritage. For instance, I'm friends with a woman that is a third generation Swedish American. It's always been a source of pride for her, but when she got married, she changed her name to her husband's, which is a very boring and very British. Her last name was part of her identity, and I can tell she still feels that loss.

My current on-again off-again is Finish/German, and the idea of carrying his name is hysterical to me. When I look at his family photos, it's just a bunch of pasty white people with blue eyes and light brown/blonde hair. Granted, my surname is very generic, but it also belongs to generations of brown people, so I'm fine with it.
 
Fine 4s said:
What's your position on this?
Keep yours, hyphenate it or replace your last name with his?
He asked me my position on this last night and while I don't feel strongly about either approach, seeing lots of hyphenated last names of people I look up to, makes me feel like keeping my last name would be the [woman] empowering thing to do. Peer pressure... maybe?
I'm not close to my dad so I have no pride in the last name frankly. My mom's last name maybe I would want that but his...einh.
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I never had plans to change my name to his and he is okay with it. I was planning to use both names, no hyphen, socially - basically like my maiden name became my middle name. I planned to keep my name professionally since the process of going before the bar to practice under a new name wasnt' appealing to me....like I lost my identity and had to apply to use an alias. NY changed their rules on name changes though, unbeknowst to me, and I freaked out when we applied for the license after learning that I had to hypenate. I stepped out to call my BFF. In the end I did hypenate on the license and on my passport (and Facebook) but everywhere else I use my maiden name.

Mail comes to Mr. and Mrs. in my maiden name sometimes. It's been that way for a while. It's a little anoying but it always means the person doesn't actually know us well so it's an easy NO when declining the invite.
 
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@MyCoilsGoBoing

Interesting angle.
Why is it important for you and your child to have the same last name. Sorry if that's too much of a personal question...

Your position matches @VivaMac's sounds like.

Never thought of that as a reason actually...

@Sumra The TV show Seinfeld had a show on that. Jerry thought the girl he was going on a date with was Asian and that excited him. To his dismay she was just a boring blonde Becky lol
I would enjoy the 'gotcha' aspect of an Asian last name....
 
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MyCoilsGoBoing said:
I took my ex-husband's last name, and didn't change it when we divorced. I wanted my son and I to have the same last name. However, I'm in a serious relationship now, and when we get married I'll happily change my name again, lol.
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I'm in the same boat. I made my maiden name my middle name when we married and kept it all the same after the divorce so that my son and I have the same name. Not sure about getting married again, but if that happens then I'll change it...to what I don't know. :spinning:
 
Fine 4s said:
@MyCoilsGoBoing

Interesting angle.
Why is it important for you and your child to have the same last name. Sorry if that's too much of a personal question...

Your position matches @VivaMac's sounds like.
Click to expand...

You didn't ask me, but I did the same thing and this my reason: My son was already losing his father (who rarely sees him now that we're divorced) and the family unit he'd known the first five years of his life was kaput.

Keeping the name was, to me, a small way of making sure the two of us still feel like a unit. Obviously, there's more to being a unit than a name, but I chose to minimize as many changes as possible for my son.

It's also less confusing in a school setting; there's no question which child is mine; people don't have to remember that we have different names, etc. and so on.
 
@Fine 4s
I was young when I got divorced (24), and I already felt bad about that. So, I just wanted to keep the name for the sake of our little family unit, and avoid the questions of why our last names were different if I would have changed it. The lazy part of me didn't want to go through changing my name on all my documents.

Related, but not related; I probably won't marry my current SO until I finish RN school. All of the documents I have to send in just for the name change portion to take NCLEX-RN is ridiculous.
 
Fine 4s said:
@Mai Tai

See I thought about that option but what's the difference?
I guess my assumption is by taking on his, your letting go of yours. Perhaps I need to change the paradigm then, making it a middle name would make sense. Because now you're still MAI tai X (X being the hubby last name and tai your maiden last name).
Am I correct?

The thought of changing my last name is a bit scary though I'm not going to lie.
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@Fine 4s

I never really thought about it like that and to me the last name is what's most important as that is what people are going to address me by formally.
 
I took my husband's last name and added my maiden name to my middle name.

And, are some folks saying that their last name is more of a reflection of what their husband wanted than what they wanted?
 
Enyo said:
If you're marrying someone, then how are you rejecting them? I never understood the male ego that suggests because you don't want to change your last name to his that you were somehow rejecting him. Marry him and having his kids isn't enough?

I've seen women whose last name is a proud marker of their true ethnicity and heritage. For instance, I'm friends with a woman that is a third generation Swedish American. It's always been a source of pride for her, but when she got married, she changed her name to her husband's, which is a very boring and very British. Her last name was part of her identity, and I can tell she still feels that loss.

My current on-again off-again is Finish/German, and the idea of carrying his name is hysterical to me. When I look at his family photos, it's just a bunch of pasty white people with blue eyes and light brown/blonde hair. Granted, my surname is very generic, but it also belongs to generations of brown people, so I'm fine with it.
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And that's what I don't get (and this is coming from someone who took her husband's last name). If a woman is agonizing over changing her last name, why would she feel that her feelings should take a COMPLETE back seat to his? I'm not saying she shouldn't give any consideration to his opinion, but since we're talking about how people will ultimately refer to HER, it seems like he may get a vote, but she would get the veto. Besides, marriage is about compromises. If FH/DH sees that his SO is struggling with this decision, shouldn't he be willing to be flexible?
 
I want to keep my last name because it is a cool name and not for family reason. I don't mind being known by his last name for social and children but I want my current name for work. I just don't know how to go about that correctly. I think women legally go by the husband's last name and has a "known by" name for work. I want to do the opposite.
 
Professionally, I go by my maiden name (my patients and my staff know and refer to me as Dr. [maiden name]). Outside of that, I do hyphenated. My hubby's last name sounds very prominent, as does my maiden name. That was a plus to me, :lol: :yep:

Also, I like the separate identities from my professional and social worlds. It works for me.
 
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PeaceLover said:
I'm going to hyphen mine because my daughter has my last name. She has a very active and great biological dad so I know it'll hurt him if I change mine and hers. I never wanted to hyphen it, but oh well! That's my only option lol
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Why would you consider changing a child's name just because YOU got married? I could understand if the new husband adopted the child. But he's not. I feel that's taking away from the child.

When I got married I took my husband's name. I don't have a problem with it. We are going through the separation/ divorce process and I will still keep his last name (unless I get married again). I don't want to go through the hassle of getting additional background checks and all that crap for my job. The only way I wouldn't take my husband's name is if it were a jacked up name. I can't be Mrs. Roach and I wouldn't want my kids to be teased (because kids can be such savages!).
 
I hyphenated only because his last name and my first name sounded terrible together. Should have took it as a sign :lachen: :look:

Were I to marry again, I might keep my maiden name.
 
I changed it almost a year after we got married and it was so difficult! I love my family so much and wasn't quite as "sold" on his yet. It felt like i was being torn from my family and unwillingly adopted. But I knew I loved him, we were going to be together and it was important to him so I changed it. Two years later I'm over it and like that my name is shorter and sounds more interesting lol.
 
FearlessNik said:
Why would you consider changing a child's name just because YOU got married? I could understand if the new husband adopted the child. But he's not. I feel that's taking away from the child.

When I got married I took my husband's name. I don't have a problem with it. We are going through the separation/ divorce process and I will still keep his last name (unless I get married again). I don't want to go through the hassle of getting additional background checks and all that crap for my job. The only way I wouldn't take my husband's name is if it were a jacked up name. I can't be Mrs. Roach and I wouldn't want my kids to be teased (because kids can be such savages!).
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Because she will be the only person with that last name. I don't want her to feel left out! She has my last name...not her dad and if I change mine she'll be the ONLY person in my immediate family with it. How is that taking away from her? Yall say the weirdest things on here sometimes.

Anyway, I did state that I'm going to hyphen mine so that's not an issue...but if I wanted to do it for my own reasons I sure wouldn't feel bad. I'm just not doing it for her dad's sake. But oh if I was a single mom I would change it.
 
PeaceLover said:
Because she will be the only person with that last name. I don't want her to feel left out! She has my last name...not her dad and if I change mine she'll be the ONLY person in my immediate family with it. How is that taking away from her? Yall say the weirdest things on here sometimes.

Anyway, I did state that I'm going to hyphen mine so that's not an issue...but if I wanted to do it for my own reasons I sure wouldn't feel bad. I'm just not doing it for her dad's sake. But oh if I was a single mom I would change it.
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IJS It's hard enough for our youth to find their identity in this crazy world. Constantly changing names would make that harder. *Knock on wood* If you got divorced and married again would you keep changing her name? God forbid she keeps your maiden name or has her bio dad's name, which are a part of her lineage in order for "everyone to have the same last name" . :look::giggle: But it's not MY kid/issue so best of luck!
 
FearlessNik said:
IJS It's hard enough for our youth to find their identity in this crazy world. Constantly changing names would make that harder. *Knock on wood* If you got divorced and married again would you keep changing her name? God forbid she keeps your maiden name or has her bio dad's name, which are a part of her lineage in order for "everyone to have the same last name" . :look::giggle: But it's not MY kid/issue so best of luck!
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You're right not your kid & you have enough issues of your own soooooo....goodnight!
 
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