Six month plan to leave. Feedback?

[Ms Red]

I wish you well!

 

[shinyblackhair]

He has been so sweet and considerate lately. He hasn't been giving me the indifference thing that he usually does when he's out prowling. I'm not invisible and I feel like a girl. Now I know this is only temporary until he thinks I'm not leaving so I have my guards up. I'm just accepting the massages and home cooked meals because I know he's full of crap. However, I'm afraid that when he knows for sure that I'm gone that he'll snap out.

He's a very proud man who is concerned with appearances so I'm hoping he'll come up with a lie for his family and friends and just let it go. There's a song by Chrisette Michelle called 'Blame it on me' and that's where I am. Dude, whatever, I'm outtie.

Yes, I know that one...say anything you want as long as it's over...mmm hmm...girl...I'm so, so sorry you're going through this, but you are SO strong. Wow...

 

[DragonPearl]

It must have been devastating for you to find out about your husband cheating. You've taken the necessary material steps to protect yourself and I wish every person who'se been cheated on and plans to leave a marriage would be as smart and pro-active as you.

You're dealing with a lot of mixed feelings and I would suggest you take time for counseling and self healing either during or after you leave. In any case, good luck, I wish you well.

 

[Shell4624]

OP, I truly commend you for your strength and determination. And rightly so, you are standing up for yourself and your daughter. I truly wish you well and will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Im currently going through some things with my hubby and unlike you, I do not have a plan or a course of action just yet. Still undecided as to what to do and what is best for me our 2 girls.

I wish you well. You are an inspiration

 

[apemay1969]

UPDATE 10-26-10
Okay, so my 6 month plan stretched out to an 11 month plan. I wasn't able to save any money. I was dickmatized through most of the 6 months. I started teaching high school and as a first year teacher, I became overwhelmed by all of the responsibilities of my career and family.

Soo....

This past weekend, I asked my husband to check if my sunglasses were in the car. He said, "You mean your shades?" All of a sudden, I had the most outrageous sense of rage. This is my life. Trying to figure out what to say, how to say it, when to do it and how can it NOT affect him. Asking him to buy a loaf of bread sends him on a tirade about how everyone is so lazy and he's stressed out. I took him to see our general practitioner because he was exhibiting signs of depression. I was very concerned because he's gotten meaner, arroganter lol and just is a big ole a--hole.

Well....

I'm moving in with my sister in the next few weeks. He hit me in the past and it was such an unexpected thing that I am not sure how he will handle the reality of me leaving. I worked in a domestic abuse shelter a few years ago and one of our clients went home 'just to talk about it' and she never picked her kids up from the shelter because he killed her and then tried to kill himself. She never believed that it would go that far.

I know better. So.....

My brother and I are moving my Grandpa's safe, my antique desk and the bed that I won as a Christmas wish from a radio station and putting it in storage. I've been off this last two weeks and I've been using each day to move little by little out of the bedroom and the rest of the house.

I'm scared and I'm grieving but I just can't take it anymore. He touches me and I kinda cringe. I'm sad because I miss my best friend who has changed into someone I'd rather not be around.

Blah, blah, but I wanted to let you know what's up. Also I wanted to remind those of us that are leaving to be very careful, do not stay long after the decision to leave is made. It's hard to hide those feelings. Most controlling men are very attuned to their victim's emotions. My husband is doing everything that I've asked him to do over these last 5 years. I haven't told him I'm leaving. He feels my distance. I'm not doing co-dependent things like trying to guess what would make him happy at any given moment in order to avoid drama.

I loved. I hated. I grieved. Now I don't care. I ooze indifference and I'm afraid he'll hurt me if I stay any longer than payday Friday.

Anywho, long post. Miss you guys. I feel so free.

 

[ThickHair]

Glad you are safe but...........................how are you moving stuff out little by little without him noticing? (Safe, desk, bed)

Sometimes you may have to sacrafice "stuff" in order to be happy, you can always purchase and sometimes it will be given to you. Roll if you can and leave all of that "stuff".

 

[blackmaven]

I would notice a whole bed moved................just saying........good to hear your update...

 

[BrickbyBrick]

Stay safe, OP. I am glad you are doing what you feel is right for you and yours.

 

[awhyley]

I wasn't able to save any money.

So, are you able to provide for yourself financially once your move is complete?

 

[apemay1969]

Glad you are safe but...........................how are you moving stuff out little by little without him noticing? (Safe, desk, bed)

Girl, can you say 'autism spectrum'? Dude doesn't notice anything unless it pertains to him. Now if I moved the big screen and Bose sound system he'd notice. I've moved a 200 lb safe, antique desk, my daughter's bed, my adult son's bed, pots, pans, end tables and tons of clothes and accessories and he still hasn't notice. Well, he noticed the safe and I just said that my parents wanted it back. He never reminded me to get the combination. I'm always ready with an explanation but he never asks. One of the reasons I gotta go.

Sometimes you may have to sacrafice "stuff" in order to be happy, you can always purchase and sometimes it will be given to you. Roll if you can and leave all of that "stuff".

I would notice a whole bed moved................just saying........good to hear your update...

I was very willing but when my mom asked about my antique desk and my son moved it out of the house and my husband never even mentioned it, I started moving things out slowly. I've been on vacation for the last two weeks. He did thank me for cleaning the bedroom.

So, are you able to provide for yourself financially once your move is complete?

I am staying with my sister because she's ill with a brand new ulcer and Chrom's disease/ She's also unemployed right now and is behind on her mortgage. She's giving me her bedroom and moving into her daughter's room. We were never really close so this will give us the opportunity to build the relationship we both hungered for as children. Or I could end up hating her < blank>. I'll also be able to save, buy replacement things and help her out with her 10 year old twins and keeping her house kept up.

I'm a first year teacher and although we don't get what we're worth, it's a livable wage in this state. One of the reasons I told myself to stay was because of my low paying secretary job. Now I have a career and as an African American special education teacher willing to work with the high school population, I'm in demand. Ironically, his kids taught me how to respect our urban babies for where they are and then we can guide them to where they need to be to survive financially.

 

[LadyPaniolo]

Thanks for the update. Good for you... you messed up (getting dickmatized) but instead of dwelling on it you are just moving on. Good luck and please keep us posted.

 

[BullGirl2010]

Also I wanted to remind those of us that are leaving to be very careful, do not stay long after the decision to leave is made. It's hard to hide those feelings. Most controlling men are very attuned to their victim's emotions. My husband is doing everything that I've asked him to do over these last 5 years. I haven't told him I'm leaving. He feels my distance. I'm not doing co-dependent things like trying to guess what would make him happy at any given moment in order to avoid drama.

I'm exactly where you are right now. I'm glad you are leaving. I have another five months before I can leave because of work.

Be safe and keep up updated.

 

[blkbeauty]

OP, you should feel very proud of yourself. I was once in your situation - 3 years ago. In fact, it was November 2007 that I finally left behind a 10 year disaster. Like you, I spent many nights mulling over my get away plan. At times, I didn't think I was strong enough to pursue my plans and unfortunately had thougts that slightly drifted from suicide to murder. Luckily, I could never be too vain to do neither - I felt very hopeless. My plan took 2 years to pan out. Although, it did not conclude the way I thought it would and at the end I was face with the bare naked truth of EVERY pure emotion that ever existed between us both totally exposed.

OP, be prepared for this. Financially, you will recover. Physically and mentally, you'll be wiser and healthier...BUT emotionally, you will be vunerable.

If you know what's good for you and I know that you do, this vunerability that I speak about will be that curve that will make you stronger, happier and on your way to al more fulfill life. This vunerability may make you question, should I leave? Should I go back? Was I at fault? You may even be twisted between hating him, then hating yourself then hating the whole situation. You may even miss him and reminisce about the past. The "V" hump is temporary and does have a huge light at the end of the tunnel. Believe me!!! Stay strong and keep to your plan of seeking a happier life.

Another great thing about your story is you have a great support system between your mom, brother and sister. You'll get through it! I am wishing and hoping for the best!

 

[bgsix]

Good luck to you OP!!

 

[apemay1969]

Good luck to you OP!!

Thanks so much. I've got it.

Although, it did not conclude the way I thought it would and at the end I was face with the bare naked truth of EVERY pure emotion that ever existed between us both totally exposed.

OMG! I can't believe the rollercoaster I'm riding on.

I'm exactly where you are right now. I'm glad you are leaving. I have another five months before I can leave because of work.

Be safe and keep up updated.

I did finally leave!!! Yay. It was like I fled the plantation. I left right before Thanksgiving. I just couldn't take it anymore. It was more the children in the house than anything or so I thought. Now that I've been gone, I can't believe that I stayed married that long. I'm grieving those five years that I was treated in such a way. I'm grieving what I thought we had. He said that he wanted us to get back together and I almost believed him until I realized that he only misses my income. I don't want to hate him and I thought I wouldn't but I'm beginning to be angry-part of the grieving process.

Man. dang. dude. dog. All of my decisions were based on his emotional responses. I was abused physically, mentally, emotionally and I'm sad and lonely but at more peace than I've been in a long, long time.

This will make me stronger. Right now though, I'm feeling vulnerable and weak and I'm taking special care not to get involved with anyone. Scary thing was that I started talking to a guy who is now in jail for stalking and seriously hurting his ex-girlfriend.

Obviously, my picker is broken.

So I'm going to give myself a break and just take care of myself and my children and new grandson. I'm so grateful that I left. I could've wasted more years in misery. I really can't believe that I left. I thought that I would be miserable forever.

I can't explain to anyone stuck in a relationship that they know is causing misery how light my heart and mind is without the suffering. It's like I was slowly being boiled alive.

Anywho, in my rantings, I hope you feel my gratitude and peace. I have a fresh start.

 

[Transformer]

I think delaying entrance back into dating is a wise move for now.

 

[Detroit2Dallas]

I'm glad your safe and everything is ok

 

[natural2008]

Im glad you are feeling free.

 

[Cheekychica]

Good for you and thanks for sharing your experience. I hope your testimony helps someone.

 

[awhyley]

This is really good news. In fact, this is just the beginning of your new life. Congrats!

 

[LadyPaniolo]

Congrats! Your story is inspirational to many women in similar circumstances

 

[ThickHair]

The following is the chorus to Destiny's Child "Free". It is very appropriate

Ain't no feeling like being free
When your mind's made up
And your hearts in the right place, yeah
Ain't no feeling like being free
When you've done all you could
But what's misunderstood
(It's all good, it's all good)
Ain't no feeling like being free
I'm like an eagle set free
And finally I'm looking out for me
Ain't no feeling like being free
Cause my mind's made up
And my heart is in the right place, yeah

Lame yes, Destiny's Child yes, but I love this song and it brings a smile to face everytime I hear it.

 

[ONAMSHN]

You will be just fine!!!! PM me if you need an encouraging word!