Still single, I just dont get it.

[greenmetro99]

Hi ladies, I’m a LHCF lurker, and I just got a paid membership here so I’m excited to chat with you all! I need some support though....I struggle in the dating department.



For years I’ve dated numerous men, and things just don’t work out. I do a lot of self reflection. I think about what I could have done differently, etc and I’m just stuck. I’m starting to think that God doesn’t have a mate for me. I’ve never used men, I’ve never cheated, I treat people well. I’ve been celibate for a long time. Where is my future husband? I’ve asked God every day of my life for him…I pray about him… I try to speak it into existence. I’m losing hope.



I believe my standards are realistic. I like college educated men, God fearing, professionals, 0 to 1 kids, with a penis, and that are still breathing, with good communication skills, and that knows how to be a friend and love… That’s about it. I meet many Black men that almost fit this description…except for the friendship/ love part. It seems like these so called classy Black men don’t know how to be chivalrous; they don’t want to court a good lady… They want to text or facebook instead of calling… They don’t want to put any effort in, but expect so so so much from a woman at the beginning.


Many people say: continue to pray on it, live life and it will happen, Be the best person you can be, etc…… But do I have to wait until I’m 70 years old to find a man?

 

[summertimewine]

What kind of places to hang around socially and how often? Are you frequenting the same places or going to a new spot every couple of weeks? What kind of friends do you surround yourself with? What major city do you live near?

 

[awhyley]

There are so many factors concerning singleness and why certain people are single, it makes my head spin. Are there many (or at least a good number) of single men in your area? Do you have a lot of married vs single friends? Do your friends know that you're looking? Are your hobbies more 'single'gal' rather than mixed company? There's lots of stuff that could be going on, but hang in there. Hopefully, other ladies will come in to share their thoughts.

 

[greenmetro99]

Thanks for the reply. I hang around a group of professionals, college educated people... I go to cultural events, live music,etc. I dont go to clubs. I rarely frequent the same place. All of my friends are professionals. I meet many men that seem good on paper, but they are not potential mates once i get to know them.

 

[greenmetro99]

Thanks awhyley for the response. There are tons of single men in my area but these guys don't seem to settle down. They are always look for something better.....

 

[Arian]

OP, I could have written your post verbatim. I often wonder if something is wrong with me too. *sigh*

 

[PureSilver]

Nope, nothing is wrong, its just not time yet.

 

[mscurly]

I"m in the same boat too sigh.........

I just got out of a relationship with a man I thought I was going to marry. We are still friends but it's hard because before him I was single for 3 years.

It's hard dating over 30 cause you dont want to waste too much time on the wrong person. I want to be in a relationship that will lead to marriage soon.

I have a mix of friends too. My single friends are having a hard time finding a good man or staying in a relationship too so they can't offer me any advice either.

I live in a big city too and part of me thinks thats part of the problem. Many men feel like there are too many options. Plus where I live alot of people aren't trying to settle down and have a family.

I thought about moving to a smaller city maybe down south where they seem more marriage and family oriented. Thought I'd have better luck.

Sorry no advice just letting you know your not alone.

Still praying.......................

 

[naturalmanenyc]

You're not alone. My BFF is going through something similar. If I didn't know any better I'd think she wrote this post. I have several other single friends, one who has stopped dating completely.

I don't know what is going on with men these days. It's like the internet age has ruined them. Many men seem to expect instant gratification and if they can't get it they move on to the next woman.

 

[CarefreeinChicago]

There is nothing wrong with you finding a AA man with a college degree and no kids and owns his own home with no addictions or felonies in Chicago is like looking for a needle in a hay stack. It's a numbers game.

 

[Naveah2050]

All my single friends are going through this -I honestly have no advice but just want to let you know he is out there and it will happen!

 

[SmileyNY]

Op, it sounds like you're focusing too much on the negative. This is natural. Most single women do the same.

Do you believe in the laws of attraction?

Look up "The Secret" on Netflix and watch it.

The truth is, you're young, pretty, and successful. You are in a perfect position and have a great opportunity to find love.

It's not too late, you have plenty of time. A lot can change in a short period of time, trust me. You can meet Mr. Right when you're 33-34 and be married with a child by 36.

 

[brittle_hair]

My advice would be to be try visiting other cities on a regular basis to open up the pool. Also try dating outside of your race. If i never met my FH thats what i would have done. Also have you tried online dating?

 

[FoxxyLocs]

It sounds to me like you've had some missed opportunities. It's hard to try to recreate that. Good luck to you. I hope you find someone who makes you happy.

 

[Keshieshimmer]

Try to go older and maybe date outside your "attraction zone."

But I understand, the men aren't in church and the ones who claim they are Christian don't seem to cherish women.

It's rough out there.

 

[InchHighPrivateEye]

You're not alone. My BFF is going through something similar. If I didn't know any better I'd think she wrote this post. I have several other single friends, one who has stopped dating completely.

I don't know what is going on with men these days. It's like the internet age has ruined them. Many men seem to expect instant gratification and if they can't get it they move on to the next woman.

Yeah, its not the women that's an issue. My BFF could have written the OP and I know for a fact that she is amazing, and not in a I think she's woman pretty because I don't know any better type of way. I don't know whats going on with the dating scene but I know she will finds someone that appreciates her and is a good catch, and I'm sure OP will too. I hope its sooner rather than later.

I want my friend to be proposed to by October of 2015. I haven't said this out loud to her yet but I'm speaking it into existence because I know she wants it and she deserves it.

 

[MzLady78]

^^^ That's so sweet, what a good friend you are.

 

[InchHighPrivateEye]

Op, it sounds like you're focusing too much on the negative. This is natural. Most single women do the same.

Do you believe in the laws of attraction?

Look up "The Secret" on Netflix and watch it.

The truth is, you're young, pretty, and successful. You are in a perfect position and have a great opportunity to find love.

It's not too late, you have plenty of time. A lot can change in a short period of time, trust me. You can meet Mr. Right when you're 33-34 and be married with a child by 36.

I agree with this. Also, OP, is there anybody in your life that you're overlooking? I don't mean settling for anybody that you know and have written off for a valid reason, but like friends that you don't necessarily think of like that but that always treat you well and are otherwise good quality. Does your ex know you're ready for something new? He might make an excellent wingman, if y'all can be at that point where this wouldn't be awkward. He knows you well, would have your interest in mind (based on how you describe him) and if he has male friends he could be helpful.

 

[InchHighPrivateEye]

^^^ That's so sweet, what a good friend you are.

I'm a soldier of love

 

[hopeful]

(((Hugs))) OP. I'm sorry that you are feeling so frustrated. I hate that one man took up seven of your good, marrying years. I think part of your answer may be in that relationship. Understanding why no marriage occurred in those 7 years, why you grew apart and that couldn't be resolved, etc. Also, I agree that you should travel whenever you can to smaller cities that have decent numbers of decent black men to open up your "pool". Also, what if you never found a mate? What would you do to insure you are still healthy and happy? What would that look like? The truth of the matter is that some women never marry and that is not the end of the world, but it is a painful reality for many that must be dealt with. Sometimes imagining the worst case scenario, really putting yourself in that situation can be freeing. It also forces you to see that your worst case could be a dream for another woman somewhere in this world. Also forces you to see that you can find many ways to create love and joy without having a husband. All that said if it were me, and I really wanted to be married, I'd leave no stone unturned and I'd waste very little time on men I didn't see a future with or men who didn't see a future with me. You need to be very pragmatic. As stated before, travel more, to smaller cites. Forget Vegas and Jamaica, etc., get thee to places with men and with jobs, reasonable places you might live. Hire a matchmaker or two, make sure they provide good coaching for you too. Put up a couple dating profiles. Cast a beautiful wide net. Read stories about women in their 30's who found the one. Steer clear of negativity: black men don't want us; you're too old, too dark, too light, too skinny, etc. Surround yourself with love and hope.

 

[Harina]

It sounds to me like you've had some missed opportunities. It's hard to try to recreate that. Good luck to you. I hope you find someone who makes you happy.

I think I must have overlooked a post but where did you get the missed opportunities part from?

 

[Harina]

Thanks awhyley for the response. There are tons of single men in Chicago, but these guys don't seem to settle down. They are always look for something better..... I have married and single friends. My married friends are struggling as well so they have no advice. Yes, my friends know that im waiting on a husband. Their best advice is for me to find a white man.... Im open to that, but i still love brothas.

What do you mean by your married friend are struggling? To stay married?

 

[LiftedUp]

The truth of the matter is that some women never marry and that is not the end of the world, but it is a painful reality for many that must be dealt with. Sometimes imagining the worst case scenario, really putting yourself in that situation can be freeing. It also forces you to see that your worst case could be a dream for another woman somewhere in this world. Also forces you to see that you can find many ways to create love and joy without having a husband.

I agree wholeheartedly with this portion.

OP, I think that you should take a "break" for about 6 months, I want to say a year. If you truly believe that you want all or nothing at all, live that nothing at all life. God has heard your prayer, now just it let and let him be God and let him do his work.

I think that you should stop talking about searching for that one true guy, stop thinking about about it and stop talking about your search with friends. Go out with your friends, accept your current reality and live the best you that you can be in this moment.

I truly believe that after doing this, your dream guy will come searching for you. I'm serious

 

[proudofmynaps]

I live in Chicago and know the struggle. My sister is going through this right now. love will find you when you are not looking. It has a funny way of doing that. Keep positive.

 

[prettynatural]

I could have written it word for word. I've done breaks, reflections, prayer, online dating every thing in my own power with nothing but disappointment. I understand completely.

 

[Duff]

Hi ladies, I’m a long time LHCF lurker, and I just got a paid membership here so I’m excited to chat with you all! I need some support though....I struggle in the dating department.

I’m an early 30 something, no kids, never married, college grad, financially stable, and I’m pretty darn attractive in my opinion. .. I have lots of hobbies and interests, a good social life, drug and alcohol free etc…..But none of that seems to matter in the world of dating. I’ve been single for years now. I was with a good man for about 7 years, but we grew apart in 2007, but we remain friends! I’ve been in a good relationship so I have expectations of how I want to be treated. I like chivalry and being courted. I dont deal with drama.


Since 2007 I’ve dated numerous men, and things just don’t work out. I do a lot of self reflection. I think about what I could have done differently, etc and I’m just stuck. I’m starting to think that God doesn’t have a mate for me. I’ve never used men, I’ve never cheated, I treat people well. I’ve been celibate for a long time. Where is my future husband? I’ve asked God every day of my life for him…I pray about him… I try to speak it into existence. I’m losing hope.



I believe my standards are realistic. I like college educated men, God fearing, professionals, 0 to 1 kids, with a penis, and that are still breathing, with good communication skills, and that knows how to be a friend and love… That’s about it. I meet many Black men that almost fit this description…except for the friendship/ love part. It seems like these so called classy Black men don’t know how to be chivalrous; they don’t want to court a good lady… They want to text or facebook instead of calling… They don’t want to put any effort in, but expect so so so much from a woman at the beginning.


I’m a happy go lucky person, so to the outside world I try to hide the pain….And I try to strong. I am normally the support system for my friends, especially when they have low points, issues, and men problems. They call me because I always know what to say and comfort them. But now I need some support that they can’t provide. What do you do when you lose all hope in finding a mate????? Do I need to lower my standards at this point? Im so prayed out.




Many people say: continue to pray on it, live life and it will happen, Be the best person you can be, etc…… But do I have to wait until I’m 70 years old to find a man?

WOW!!! I too could have written this word for word!!!

OP, I could have written your post verbatim. I often wonder if something is wrong with me too. *sigh*

yep

Nope, nothing is wrong, its just not time yet.

I've found that out and totally agree

I could have written it word for word. I've done breaks, reflections, prayer, online dating every thing in my own power with nothing but disappointment. I understand completely.

sadly me too....

OP, I have been in your shoes. and I totally understand. just don't give up. You will be lead to your mate. it happened to me in the least expected way and I could not be happier. please just don't give up and I will say that I began not to care and let go of some of my lifelong desires and began to look at the positive side of not having that marriage/family I desired that I opened myself up to the opportunities that I would not have considered before.

 

[ElizaBlue]

OP it will happen. Men are like jobs when you're looking for one it seems like it will never happen. But as soon as you get one, other offers start coming in. It's almost like being in a relationship changes you so that other men become more attracted.

But I think what actually happens is you...your persona...your inner therefore outside face changes. My daughter who is absolutely stunning just passed the bar...yada yada yada goes through this all the time...as soon as she just starts dating...the fellows come flocking.

When you're alone focused on why you're alone...I honestly think that gives off some type of "there's a reason I'm alone" and guys read that.

If you can channel from your mind to your demeanor that you are in the happiest most loved relationship "already". And carry that around with you...I can promise it will turn the tides for you. Someone up post mentioned The Law of Attraction...so that's basically what I'm talking about. Try it.

Brightest Blessings!

 

[chronicity]

Keep the faith, OP. A lot of us have been there or are still there. Don't let disappointment close doors for you. Keep going out to happy hours and events, and keep your online profile active.

It only takes one. One. He may or may not be out there (just being honest and realistic here...the belief that "there's a lid for every pot" isn't rooted in fact or else both my maternal aunts, most of my 1st cousins, and my two closest girlffriends wouldn't be involuntarily single), but the thing that will keep you sane is knowing you've done your best to find him and aren't just sitting around waiting for your life to begin.

I also suggest you ignore any advice that encourages formulaic thinking. Any one who promises things will turn around if you do X, Y, and Z is on that stuff.

 

[Holla]

I rarely frequent the same place.

This stood out to me. Most people meet their bf at places they frequent. ...church, school, gym, volunteering, etc. Some meet at chance encounters but by in large, most meet in places they frequent. You need to start developing habits where if a man is interested, he has a way to get to know you through regular and predictable interaction.

 

[Joigirl]

I know that you want a college graduate, but don't cut off blue collar guys. I met my hubby in a Best Buy one day after visiting Jamaica. I think that having come back from a great trip and having a good time opened me up to him. I am usually very introverted and my husband says that I am not very approachable. Making yourself more approachable is key. Be willing to see beyond what he has to offer today. Will he be a supportive and attentive spouse and a good father. Look beyond just AA men.