*Spinoff* "The Rules Challenge!--"Rules" girls get in here!

[Xerxes]

From experience, let me tell you this: Don't let his current aggression fool you into thinking that he likes you more than he did in the past when he was silent. No one likes to be ignored, so he is responding to that and that alone. Unfortunately, some people can actually not like you but have an issue with you NOT being all up in thier grill like you always are . Its best you just wash your hands of the situation all together. Doesn't mean he is a bad person and it doesn't mean you are either. It means that it is hard to get over wanting somebody when they are always emailing, texting, or in your face.

I tried this with my ex. I would play "The Rules" and it would get a response out of him. But at the end of the day, he still didn't like/love me enough to do A, B, C, or D. Period. Rules or not.

Good job on letting it go. Now keep it pushing!

Your advice to just walk away is logical, but it's simply too hard to do when you like a guy too much. I'm in a situation where I need to just move on, but like a fool, I just can't let go of the idea that he'll come around and be the love of my life. The scariest part is that I care about him and I'm slowly trying to stop it because I know it will hurt to no end to see him with another woman. I keep telling myself to snap out of it and focus on myself, but when there are so few prospects, sometimes you find yourself overly reluctant to let go of a potential good catch even when he seems uninterested.

I feel for Labella and I hope that in the end she takes care of herself.

For some of us, the "rules" simply don't help. We sincerely need our crushes to know explicitly how we feel about them and then have them brutally tell us to leave them alone, so that we can go on with our lives and not always wonder what could have been.

In my opinion, playing the rules game with a guy who is uninterested is stupid since you only end up playing with yourself.

 

[LaBella]

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[Xerxes]

Thanks Xerxes, this is just the way I think about this. I could have written this too.


But so far, so good now.
In the mean time he started to get 'worried', like: I have the feeling something is going on etc. So after ignoring about 4 attempts from him to contact me I got back to him with text. On Saturday he called me again, and I took that call. After that there was some texting again on Sunday and Monday. I refused to meet 2 times now when he invited me, because I am busy this week. Actually I even made some extra plans, so I really would not be tempted, because I also don't have the time to meet now.
But if I really wanted to...and I reallyreally want to...Hahaha! It feels so messed up inside. I am used to do exactly what I want, and not think about if it would be right or not. Or if I would be fooling myself or not.
I have 2 more days to go, I think it will be fine.
The world is a safer place for me, when he is far away.

Aw, LaBella, I wish you the best and I know that each moment is pure torture. Just stay preoccupied and remember this too shall pass. Right now, I'm honestly less enthusiastic about this whole love thing, but I do know that settling for a guy who just gives me half of what I want isn't enough. We both are better off alone than desiring men who aren't willing to offer us their all.

Please be sure to enjoy yourself this week and not waste one minute missing him. Last night, I had to literally go in my closet and look at my new clothes in order to take my mind off of him and feel better. However, I know the petty side of me won't feel satisfied until I get him to fall for me and then I can walk away feeling victorious. It's all about validation of my looks/desirability as a mate in my case. I hate that my pride wants validation from some guy I can't control. I have a pretty good idea of why my guy is uninterested, but it's something I can't control (IR thing), I just wish he were black or bold enough to challenge social conventions and then we'd probably be engaged by now. Whatever, keep your head up and keep on with the updates. I'll be sure to post if something happens, but the only positive thing now would be a new guy or a real heart to heart with this current one and I don't see that happening. I wish this were a movie and I could just wear a killer dress, watch his tongue roll out and then dump him on the spot and move on to my husband in the next scene, but alas real life sucks. LOL

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

Your advice to just walk away is logical, but it's simply too hard to do when you like a guy too much. I'm in a situation where I need to just move on, but like a fool, I just can't let go of the idea that he'll come around and be the love of my life. The scariest part is that I care about him and I'm slowly trying to stop it because I know it will hurt to no end to see him with another woman.
I feel for Labella and I hope that in the end she takes care of herself.

For some of us, the "rules" simply don't help. We sincerely need our crushes to know explicitly how we feel about them and then have them brutally tell us to leave them alone, so that we can go on with our lives and not always wonder what could have been.

In my opinion, playing the rules game with a guy who is uninterested is stupid since you only end up playing with yourself.

Trust me Xerxes, I've been where you are. I'm still going through it a little bit myself. So, I KNOW how it feels!

And believe me, when or IF you ever see him with another woman and he is happy, it will hurt like crap. Trust me...I know.

BUT! That's why it's best to let go now instead of holding on to a shred of hope that he will come back. Who knows?? Maybe he will and maybe he won't. But at least you can move on NOW knowing that whatever happens in the future was meant to be.

I keep telling myself to snap out of it and focus on myself, but when there are so few prospects, sometimes you find yourself overly reluctant to let go of a potential good catch even when he seems uninterested.

I know it's hard, especially when you feel like there aren't many prospects around. TRUST me! It's still hard for me sometimes. But sometimes in life you have to completely let go of something that isn't good in order to finally get the GOOD that you deserve. If you literally clench your fists and desperately hold on to something in your hand, you can never open your hand long enough to get something that could potentially be good (if not BETTER) for you!

Sometimes, I think we hold on to something that's not good for us simply because there don't seem to be any options out there for us, OR simply because we haven't known better.

But honestly, this is a very fearful way of thinking, and "The Rules" are not about being "fearful" or afraid. "The Rules" operate upon the belief that: "if not him...then someone else!" But when you have a "drought" mentality it can cause you to chase/pursue men, settle for less than you deserve, accept less-than decent treatment from a man, OR cling on to a man who isn't that interested in you.

ie:
"I better hold on to him because":

-"he's the last man on earth!"
-"I'll never find another man as handsome/rich/nice/well-built/funny/loving/sexy (whatever) as him"
-"he's my last chance at love"
-"I'm not sure I'll ever find another man that I'm so in love with and attracted to"
-"Maybe I'll be alone for the rest of my life??"

See...all of these statements are operating from a state of FEAR. And "fear" is NOT "The Rules", and fear usually doesn't bring you anything good in life. "Rules Girls" are not fearful that they won't find a good man for them in the future. They KNOW they will, and so they don't settle for less, or cling on to the first man who shows them attention. They make sure that they observe and really see a man for who he is, and if he doesn't "make the cut", then they have no problem saying "Goodbye!" ANd of course this is precisely why a lot of men will have a hard time fully letting go of a "Rules Girl".

So...believe me, I know it's hard. I struggle with these same feelings above all the time. But I have to just keep reminding myself that holding onto him due to underlying fear is not going to get me anything better.

It's only when we completely let go of these guys who aren't the best for us, or who don't care about us like we care about them that we can finally be completely FREE and open for someone who IS good for us and will love us completely in return.

Plus, even if (even if!) these guys DO come back to us one day, wouldn't it be better to know that we weren't sitting around pining after him or hoping endlessly that he would come back? Wouldn't it be nicer to realize that he came back on his own, and that we had moved on, were living our full happy lives without him, and he just happened to *surprise* us with a change of heart? I know I would feel better given that scenario. Even if he came back, he would still have to prove himself. But trust me, it's SO much better to just start to move on and love yourself (all of you) and make room for ANOTHER guy perhaps in the future who might be even better for you.

Hope that helps!

 

[gn1g]

Gon Tiara!!

 

[Xerxes]

Trust me Xerxes, I've been where you are. I'm still going through it a little bit myself. So, I KNOW how it feels!

And believe me, when or IF you ever see him with another woman and he is happy, it will hurt like crap. Trust me...I know.

BUT! That's why it's best to let go now instead of holding on to a shred of hope that he will come back. Who knows?? Maybe he will and maybe he won't. But at least you can move on NOW knowing that whatever happens in the future was meant to be.



I know it's hard, especially when you feel like there aren't many prospects around. TRUST me! It's still hard for me sometimes. But sometimes in life you have to completely let go of something that isn't good in order to finally get the GOOD that you deserve. If you literally clench your fists and desperately hold on to something in your hand, you can never open your hand long enough to get something that could potentially be good (if not BETTER) for you!

Sometimes, I think we hold on to something that's not good for us simply because there don't seem to be any options out there for us, OR simply because we haven't known better.

But honestly, this is a very fearful way of thinking, and "The Rules" are not about being "fearful" or afraid. "The Rules" operate upon the belief that: "if not him...then someone else!" But when you have a "drought" mentality it can cause you to chase/pursue men, settle for less than you deserve, accept less-than decent treatment from a man, OR cling on to a man who isn't that interested in you.

ie:
"I better hold on to him because":

-"he's the last man on earth!"
-"I'll never find another man as handsome/rich/nice/well-built/funny/loving/sexy (whatever) as him"
-"he's my last chance at love"
-"I'm not sure I'll ever find another man that I'm so in love with and attracted to"
-"Maybe I'll be alone for the rest of my life??"

See...all of these statements are operating from a state of FEAR. And "fear" is NOT "The Rules", and fear usually doesn't bring you anything good in life. "Rules Girls" are not fearful that they won't find a good man for them in the future. They KNOW they will, and so they don't settle for less, or cling on to the first man who shows them attention. They make sure that they observe and really see a man for who he is, and if he doesn't "make the cut", then they have no problem saying "Goodbye!" ANd of course this is precisely why a lot of men will have a hard time fully letting go of a "Rules Girl".

So...believe me, I know it's hard. I struggle with these same feelings above all the time. But I have to just keep reminding myself that holding onto him due to underlying fear is not going to get me anything better.

It's only when we completely let go of these guys who aren't the best for us, or who don't care about us like we care about them that we can finally be completely FREE and open for someone who IS good for us and will love us completely in return.

Plus, even if (even if!) these guys DO come back to us one day, wouldn't it be better to know that we weren't sitting around pining after him or hoping endlessly that he would come back? Wouldn't it be nicer to realize that he came back on his own, and that we had moved on, were living our full happy lives without him, and he just happened to *surprise* us with a change of heart? I know I would feel better given that scenario. Even if he came back, he would still have to prove himself. But trust me, it's SO much better to just start to move on and love yourself (all of you) and make room for ANOTHER guy perhaps in the future who might be even better for you.

Hope that helps!

ITA with all of what you have said, but I think the sad thing is that after all of these years, I'm starting to believe that The One doesn't exist and that instead of moving on from guys I should just settle and marry like everyone else. I'm getting increasingly cynical and I'm trying to have more faith in love.

I can't allow myself to think he's the best option out there any longer. I'm sitting here listening to Keyshia Cole's "Trust" and when it's over, I'll move on. Thanks, CQ.

 

[weaveologist]

Your advice to just walk away is logical, but it's simply too hard to do when you like a guy too much. I'm in a situation where I need to just move on, but like a fool, I just can't let go of the idea that he'll come around and be the love of my life. The scariest part is that I care about him and I'm slowly trying to stop it because I know it will hurt to no end to see him with another woman. I keep telling myself to snap out of it and focus on myself, but when there are so few prospects, sometimes you find yourself overly reluctant to let go of a potential good catch even when he seems uninterested.

I feel for Labella and I hope that in the end she takes care of herself.

For some of us, the "rules" simply don't help. We sincerely need our crushes to know explicitly how we feel about them and then have them brutally tell us to leave them alone, so that we can go on with our lives and not always wonder what could have been.

In my opinion, playing the rules game with a guy who is uninterested is stupid since you only end up playing with yourself.

I understand. Like I said, I say this from experience. I was wrapped up for almost four years just a few months ago. Its funny how when we are wrapped up, we can't think or see anyone or anything else. But trust me, its possible and you WILL be okay. No matter the love you feel for someone, we have to love ourselves SO MUCH that we will stop loving someone who does not love us. Trust me, a man will come find you if he loves you. You can walk way, run away, beg him to stay away, but if he LOVES you, he will show it or come back when he is ready. And if he doesn't, he doesn't love you and you needed to know that.

I walked away from who I thought was the love of my life. He also considered himself my best friend. I didn't want to leave because in the back of my mind I thought I was giving up on chemistry. I also couldn't fathom seeing him w/someone else. But I also couldn't fathom hurting for another year. I couldn't fathom continously feeling unwanted. He has always let his feelings be known, but what he wanted and what I need is two totally different things. I had to walk away. Yes, it was hard. Yes, I cried for damn near seven months. But now, I look back on the situation and think "what the hell was I thinking". I wake up feeling happy and alive, verses miserable and wondering about "us". And though, yes, I miss what we had terribly, I do not miss feeling like **** every day.

Sometimes we are in love with what we want to happen. We are involved with a man and love him for the picture of them that we have in our heads. We can't let go because we imagine being married to them, we imagine being happy, we imagine having thier babies. But we aren't in love with what they REALLY are. We are in love with a dream/fantasy. I didn't love my ex for what he was, I was in love with what we COULD HAVE BEEN if things would just go right.

When we so are "in love", we don't think straight. We don't see the situation for what it is. And until you can look at it from the OUTSIDE looking in, you will never get a realistic prospective of what is REALLY going on.

 

[Jade Feria]

So how are my Rules Challenge ladies doing?

 

[Ms Red]

^^ I just found out that "The Rules" doesn't end when you're in a relationship. I don't want to go the ignore route, but would like to bypass blowing up at him.

Why does this ish have to start after dating for a year???

 

[Jade Feria]

^^ I just found out that "The Rules" doesn't end when you're in a relationship. I don't want to go the ignore route, but would like to bypass blowing up at him.

Why does this ish have to start after dating for a year???

Oh no, it doesn't end, lol. Of course you can relax them after you get in a relationship, but if and when he starts to take you for granted a little (doesn't mean he loves you any less, guys just get comfortable in this way and it happens sometimes), then you implement them again. The Rules are all about keeping the guys on their toes - filtering out the lazy losers and making you a stimulating challenge for the ones who are worth your time. In All The Rules, there is good advice about using The Rules after you are in a relationship and married.

The reason why blowing up at a guy doesn't work is because they tend to communicate nonverbally. This is why The Rules work, because it's 95% based on how you behave toward him, even in when you're talking...not so much what you say.

ETA:sure what you I'm not what your situation is, but just because you don't blow up at him doesn't mean you just ignore whatever it is that he is doing. In a way, that's rewarding the negative behavior. What you might want to do is address your disapproval once (in a very civil, logical manner), say something like, "does that make sense to you?" or "does that seem logical to you?", express how you would like to be treated (saying something to the effect of, "give me the same respect you would give a client of yours" or something like that) and then drop it. Keep control of your emotions.

 

[Renewed1]

Well there are some truth to the rules. I blew up this guys' phone that I liked alot. But the moment I stopped calling/texting, etc he started to blow up my phone. I'm going to ignore him over the next few days.

I have to teach him a lesson.

 

[LovinLocks]

The best thing you can do in a relationship is nothing. Basically smile, accept some calls/dates, and chill.

I LIKE this quote itisme . . . !!!!!! Need to make it my new mantra.

Okay, recently starting talking to a guy. We first met last Summer but honestly I kinda back away and allowed pink boy to do this thing. Well, Pink - he's been here with me "visiting" from Florida for about two weeks. TIME TO GO HOME, Dude.

Anywho . . . ran into an old email from "66" and thought I'd drop a "Hey, what's up?" line. Kinda didn't expect him to even write back, but write he did. Even reminded me that we were supposed to get together for lunch, dinner or something. Okaaaaaaay. Went over his house on Saturday to watch pro basketball [yawn, but hey, was cool]. He couldn't come over my place cause pink boy here (geez).

I have purchased and given away The Rules twice. I've got the basic principles though. It's just a matter of doing them. Like someone said (maybe in the book, maybe here, I don't remember), but the thing is, it is easy to "do" the rules when you don't like the guy, have many potentials on a string and are not committed, or maybe he's just butt "ugly, or stinky (like pink boy here).

I see potential for really liking "66". He's 16 years older than me, is out-going, speak his mind (boooy does he speak his mind), dude ain't no joke. He's a big, handsome man. He speaks of things I have never, ever had ("man take care of his woman, man be responsible for house, man see to it that woman taken care of when he goes on to glory" and more.) Now, I shoud be embarrassed to say that, but you know what, it is what it is and my choice is to continue to be with deadweight "nice" folk who are unambitious, unmotivated, etc. or do something about it now. I certainly ain't getting any younger. For my lil girl to tell me JUST TWO DAYS AGO: "Mommy I feel so bad for you, that at 50, and the time(s) you have been married to not know what it is to really, really love a man" . . . and that was the beginning of what she said, there was more . . . my girls have told me over the years things like, "Ma, WHY are you with __________, you are so beautiful, you are smart, you DESERVE BETTER". From my kidzzz yaw'll, babies!!!!!!!

I turned 50 last month, well, Oct. By golly I just feel in my bones it is time for LL change. You know. I tell myself it is up to ME to do something DIFFERENT.

I'm out-going, not ashamed or a skurdie cat to meet and greet people (men included); but you know what . . . I mo chill. I need to shut up; listen more among other things. I'm putting some of the rules into place. So, I came here for strengthening, LOL. I say "some of" because AND YAW'LL FEEL FREE TO SCREAM, PULL A SISTAH'S COAT TAIL IF YOU THINK I'M WAAAY OFF BASE HERE WITH 'SOME A DA RULES'" . . . You don't get to be "66" and not know something. I believe, I believe he will see through some of the stuff from the Rules book. On the for real. I tell you, this Black man ain't no joke and that's one of the things I like about him.

He's old, I'm old, and neither of us have time for games. I wish I could share some of his emails to me, I mean he came out da gate with: Hello, I am "66", I am looking for ___, ______, honesty, communication, I want a friendship which will hopefully lead to marriage. He ain't messing around.

To my credit, I did initiate getting off the telephone last night. On the other hand, I ain't gonna lie we did talk for more than 5 dang minutes. We talked for prolly 45-60 minutes .

66 invited me swimming today; I accepted (that's when I initiated ending the conversation; give us something to talk about today). Just painted my toes, did a lil nail art on the two big toes: not too much, something befitting the grandma that I am.

Braided my locks so hopefully the chlorine won't reack total havoc on my hair. But, I'll have that covered too; gonna bring my hair goodies to work it in after I get out the pool (thank you Hairveda).

Now I know the Rules would state that after swimming I have him bring me home. Ain't gonna lie, I don't wanna and I am scheduled to go over his house. See, I know ONE thing he's doing is wanting me to become comfortable over there (he's approached the subject and we've talked extensively about that). Last Saturday after the bb game he asked if I wanted him to take me home or if I was going to spend the night (all in that matter-of-fact voice like he didn't see nothing wrong with me staying). I politely thanked him for his kind hospitality and said that I would go home to my lovely cocoon that I love, that he could indeed proceed to take me home.

So, I need to stay strong, ladies. I tend- to be a physical person (which is why my goal for now through 2010 is to learn to be a spiritual person-nother topic, nother time/thread ).

Plus, I like this guy . . . I don't want to do ANYthing to be disrespected or that may end prematurely what MIGHT be a good thing.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

Great post Lovin' Locks!

Remember, you are NEVER "too old" for love. I think the sooner women realize that, the less afraid/concerned they will feel, and the happier they will be.



**Slight Dilemma....

Okay, now don't get me wrong, I'm still going to do "the Rules"....BUT...I'm thinking that maybe I need to cool it a little bit.

I don't know...a lot of guys are telling me that they don't really know when a woman is interested in them. Plus, one guy told me that he knew that I didn't really throw myself on guys, and that I'm not that type of person, so he wouldn't know if I was interested in him or not. Another girl friend of mine recently told me that a guy would probably be surprised if I liked him because I treat ALL guys basically the same, and I don't ever really give out clear "signs" that I like a guy. I guess I'm just afraid of looking desperate, or being rejected. I don't know.

PLUS, I have found that yes...in the past there have been guys that have liked me without ANY inclination or initiating on MY part...but usually these guys are ones that I personally don't like or feel anything for! My girl friend said that if I keep going the route that I'm going and waiting on a guy to actually come up and tell me to my face with huge neon signs that he's interested in me, or wait for clear cut "signals" from him, then I'll end up 50+ years old, never married, and be wondering why.... Am I just dooomed to end up with someone that likes me, but one I'm not personally attracted to?? Please tell me that this is not the case!! I think I'm just sick and tired of only attracting the ugly/weird/no-personality/dead-beats/nothing-in-common type of guys to me, instead of the type of guys I'm actually INTERESTED in (ie. decent-looking, smart, got his act together, have things in common, great personality, oh...did I mention nice-looking?? Or...at least pretty decent looking in MY eyes??) *sigh*

Don't get me wrong, I love "the Rules" in the fact that it raises up your self-esteem, and gives you self-worth, and basically assures yourself that you don't have to "try so hard" around men. BUT....what I'm wondering is... does doing "The Rules" only ensure that you'll end up with men that YOU feel only luke-warm about? I mean, there are some guys that I actually want to get to know better, but I'm just waiting for HIM to make the moves. Meanwhile, other women are showing signs and getting boyfriends, getting engaged, married, etc to men that THEY are actually interested in as well.

I don't want to just end up with some guy who treats me like a queen, but who I'm not really feeling like that. I guess that's my only fear....

*sigh* Please don't let me discourage you ladies from continuing on w/"The Rules". And believe me, I'm not going to use this as an excuse to start chasing guys or whatnot. I don't believe in chasing after a guy at all. I think my friend was just saying that if a guy is giving me SOME signs, then I need to give HIM something back too...and maybe even ask him what he has in mind because some guys aren't going to just come right out and spell it out for you becuase of fear of rejection on their part due to their fragile egos. I don't know.... I guess I'm just contemplating my past decisions as far as relationships go, or guys who have been interested in me in the past. A LOT has happened lately that has made me second-guess whether or not doing "The Rules" is really worth it if there's a guy you've been feeling....

Idk..... Just thinking out loud I guess...

Any thoughts?

 

[foxee]

*sigh* Please don't let me discourage you ladies from continuing on w/"The Rules". And believe me, I'm not going to use this as an excuse to start chasing guys or whatnot. I don't believe in chasing after a guy at all. I think my friend was just saying that if a guy is giving me SOME signs, then I need to give HIM something back too...and maybe even ask him what he has in mind because some guys aren't going to just come right out and spell it out for you becuase of fear of rejection on their part due to their fragile egos. I don't know.... I guess I'm just contemplating my past decisions as far as relationships go, or guys who have been interested in me in the past. A LOT has happened lately that has made me second-guess whether or not doing "The Rules" is really worth it if there's a guy you've been feeling....

Idk..... Just thinking out loud I guess...

Any thoughts?

I think if a guy is really interested in pursuing you, he'll risk the rejection!

I've practiced The Rules on and off for years, and let me tell you IT WORKS. For awhile I gave up on it and started listening to my male friends who told me I was crazy. Then I started thinking, "Why play games? If I like a guy, what's wrong with calling first? Emailing? Texting?" During that time I got my feelings hurt, a lot. I much rather be with a man who I know with 100% certainty that he really cares. I want to be pursued/chased.

I am interested in someone right now and found myself getting a little too comfortable (initiating most of our phone conversations, etc.), so I decided to step back a bit. What a difference! In the past week he's really gone out of his way to get my attention and I feel like I have the upper hand!

As far as "signs" go, you can still show your interest in a guy . . . just don't be the initiator. Just accept his initivation for dates and have a great time!

 

[aribell]

**Slight Dilemma....

Okay, now don't get me wrong, I'm still going to do "the Rules"....BUT...I'm thinking that maybe I need to cool it a little bit.

I don't know...a lot of guys are telling me that they don't really know when a woman is interested in them. Plus, one guy told me that he knew that I didn't really throw myself on guys, and that I'm not that type of person, so he wouldn't know if I was interested in him or not. Another girl friend of mine recently told me that a guy would probably be surprised if I liked him because I treat ALL guys basically the same, and I don't ever really give out clear "signs" that I like a guy. I guess I'm just afraid of looking desperate, or being rejected. I don't know.

PLUS, I have found that yes...in the past there have been guys that have liked me without ANY inclination or initiating on MY part...but usually these guys are ones that I personally don't like or feel anything for! My girl friend said that if I keep going the route that I'm going and waiting on a guy to actually come up and tell me to my face with huge neon signs that he's interested in me, or wait for clear cut "signals" from him, then I'll end up 50+ years old, never married, and be wondering why.... Am I just dooomed to end up with someone that likes me, but one I'm not personally attracted to?? Please tell me that this is not the case!! I think I'm just sick and tired of only attracting the ugly/weird/no-personality/dead-beats/nothing-in-common type of guys to me, instead of the type of guys I'm actually INTERESTED in (ie. decent-looking, smart, got his act together, have things in common, great personality, oh...did I mention nice-looking?? Or...at least pretty decent looking in MY eyes??) *sigh*

Don't get me wrong, I love "the Rules" in the fact that it raises up your self-esteem, and gives you self-worth, and basically assures yourself that you don't have to "try so hard" around men. BUT....what I'm wondering is... does doing "The Rules" only ensure that you'll end up with men that YOU feel only luke-warm about? I mean, there are some guys that I actually want to get to know better, but I'm just waiting for HIM to make the moves. Meanwhile, other women are showing signs and getting boyfriends, getting engaged, married, etc to men that THEY are actually interested in as well.

Hmm...I can see why you feel like you're in a dilemma.

Per the purple: Okay, this is legitimate in that despite men's inclination to pursue those they are interested in, I am pretty positive that they need some kind of indication that there will be reciprocation. This is less true when you're just in the mall or something and a man decides to take a chance to approach you. In those random instances, they're taking a pure risk.

But if you're talking about people that you interact with regularly, then I do think the way you come off is being read by them and added up to determine whether they're going to approach you. But I think the important question is not whether you're sending out the right signals but whether you're actually picking up on the signals they're sending you when they're interested. This is just my experience, but I've never been surprised by a man who ended up verbally expressing interest in me. I find that it's pretty clear when they're attracted/interested whether they actually say something or not. And then if I'm interested, I might flirt back or basically respond in kind to whatever vibes they're putting out there. And depending on my mood/the season/whatever, I might be completely oblivious and that's when I start getting told that I seem like I'm unavailable, unapproachable, uninterested, etc.

So, if you don't pay attention to the vibes they're putting out and don't respond, I think they tend to read that as a lack of interest. And that makes sense. We're all constantly gathering information about one another, where they're coming from, etc. without actually communicating all of those thoughts and feelings. And we're always communicating something to the people around us about who we are and what we think about them whether or not it's conscious or verbal.

I wouldn't focus on trying to flirt more with men you like so much as I'd try and be more aware of the more subtle signs someone might be showing you.

Per the red: Eh...I don't really like this advice, mainly because it's perfectly reasonable to expect that a man who is interested would either 1) show signs of his interest and 2) make that interest explicitly known. I mean, if we really think about it, when you're interested in someone, how much does it take for you to make the effort to show them, to go out of your way to get to know them? The whole reason this thread is here is because women get so excited that they show too much. Men don't work differently when they are interested in someone. I'm sure someone has a story of eventually ending up with someone that initially wasn't interested in them at all, but those stories are usually about men who eventually convinced their SOs to be with them and hardly ever, if at all, about women who approached a man who wasn't already interested in her.

I suppose from my perspective, if he were that interested he would let the woman know in some way. I mean, people have different timelines and whatnot and different ways of going about that, but I don't see approaching more guys romantically as a good strategy if only because in most cases you probably shouldn't have to. Again, in my experience, if I've had to be the one to initiate something it's been because the man's feelings weren't all the way there toward me.

I wouldn't change your standard on that one.

Per the blue: I don't think anyone should do anything that is not actually working for them. I don't think any system can replace your own intuition about who is interested in you, who's not, who you like and who would be a good match for you. It would be difficult to judge why only the wrong types seem to be interested since even if we feel our standards are reasonable, they might not actually correspond with what is commonly available. Not that that's true in your case, but really only you or those close to you would know.

Personally though, I think it's better to just turn off the radar that looks for men who would be good potentials. I don't know how other people feel about that, but there ends up being a lot of wasted energy in building up feelings for or interest in someone from afar w/o actually having received any kind of indication from them that they're interested. I tend to think of the pool of men available to me as involving only those who have somehow expressed an interest in me rather than all the men I encounter on a regular basis. Things have only become better and better since doing that and the quality has gone up as well. Sometimes we can be so focused on this one person that fits our type or ideal or whatever (usually unattainable) that we are tuning out all the other quality people that don't fit our preconceived notions of what we want.

I don't know how much of that is useful to you, but those are my thoughts.

 

[varaneka]

since I don't have the rules......I wonder if the book says to NEVER initiate a call LOL

what about texts? (half serious)

 

[Mane Event]

I'm in the same boat!

But my question is this: What do you say to him when you finally decide to pick up the phone? Of course he's going to come at you with the "Why haven't you been returning my calls?" or the "whatchu been doing?"

I think the "I've been busy" line comes across very phony/fake. Men can see right through that and then the games start all over again! Monkey see, monkey do.

So how do you guys put him back in his place without him thinking you're playing games or lying...I've even been called "sneaky" in the past erplexed

It took him a really long time to "win me over incrememtally." Now I really do like this guy...Of course he's starting to catch on, which has caused him to pull back/get lazy

He needs to be taught a good lesson now!!!!

Well there are some truth to the rules. I blew up this guys' phone that I liked alot. But the moment I stopped calling/texting, etc he started to blow up my phone. I'm going to ignore him over the next few days.

I have to teach him a lesson.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

Hmm...I can see why you feel like you're in a dilemma.

But I think the important question is not whether you're sending out the right signals but whether you're actually picking up on the signals they're sending you when they're interested.

So, if you don't pay attention to the vibes they're putting out and don't respond, I think they tend to read that as a lack of interest. And that makes sense. We're all constantly gathering information about one another, where they're coming from, etc. without actually communicating all of those thoughts and feelings. And we're always communicating something to the people around us about who we are and what we think about them whether or not it's conscious or verbal.

I wouldn't focus on trying to flirt more with men you like so much as I'd try and be more aware of the more subtle signs someone might be showing you.

Per the red: Eh...I don't really like this advice, mainly because it's perfectly reasonable to expect that a man who is interested would either 1) show signs of his interest and 2) make that interest explicitly known. I mean, if we really think about it, when you're interested in someone, how much does it take for you to make the effort to show them, to go out of your way to get to know them? The whole reason this thread is here is because women get so excited that they show too much. Men don't work differently when they are interested in someone. I'm sure someone has a story of eventually ending up with someone that initially wasn't interested in them at all, but those stories are usually about men who eventually convinced their SOs to be with them and hardly ever, if at all, about women who approached a man who wasn't already interested in her.

I wouldn't change your standard on that one.

Per the blue:
Personally though, I think it's better to just turn off the radar that looks for men who would be good potentials. I don't know how other people feel about that, but there ends up being a lot of wasted energy in building up feelings for or interest in someone from afar w/o actually having received any kind of indication from them that they're interested. I tend to think of the pool of men available to me as involving only those who have somehow expressed an interest in me rather than all the men I encounter on a regular basis. Things have only become better and better since doing that and the quality has gone up as well. Sometimes we can be so focused on this one person that fits our type or ideal or whatever (usually unattainable) that we are tuning out all the other quality people that don't fit our preconceived notions of what we want.

I don't know how much of that is useful to you, but those are my thoughts.

**I apologize in advance for the length of this post...as you can tell, I have a LOT to say about this topic!!***

Oh wow!

I had completely forgotten that I had even asked a question. Oooops! Sorry Nicola! Thanks so much for the advice!

I definitely agree with what you wrote...especially the parts in bold. So true...so true!

I think the way I look at guys/men/"potentials" now is different. Sure, I may see a guy and think: "Hmm..he's cute...I wonder if he's single??" But these days, I think I"m paying more attention to the guys who are interested in ME, as opposed to trying to attract/pursue the guys who I already have an interest in. Man oh man...I don't know what was wrong w/me. I was doing everything wrong!! I was just young and naive I guess.

At least w/a guy friend of mine in the past, I didn't even like him to begin with, but he SEEMED to be showing interest in me, so that's why I started to view him differently. Boy...I should have just sat back, observed, not gotten emotionally-involved trying to "rush" things, or go against nature. I should have just remained cool, and allowed things to take place naturally on their own. We might have actually ended up together now.

Oh well! You live and you learn I guess!!

I also agree that I wouldn't want to end up w/a man who I had to "convince" to like/love me. If anyone should be doing the convincing and being persistent, it should be HIM! Now of course, a man's feelings CAN change for a woman over time(especially if they were "just friends" at first, and they spend a lot of time together) , but if a woman is constantly PURPOSELY trying to put herself around a man, or be around him, call him, etc. in the hopes that he'll change his mind/feelings for her, then she's wasting her time IMO. Plus, it looks needy & desperate. It's one thing if a man does it...because it's in his nature to HUNT...but if a woman does it, it kind of works against her IMO. It just makes everything off-kilter and off-balanced in the relationship.

I think you're right, I suppose I (and women in general) need to work more on picking up on the signs of men being interested...and just focus on that instead of trying to attract THEM. It seems like I need to work on fine-tuning those "signs" too, because it seems like a lot of guys can do "nice" things for women, but not necessarily have an interest in her or a relationship. Yes...sad, but true. That's why it's ALWAYS good for the woman to be RECEPTIVE instead of being on the pursuing end. If you don't know what I'm talking about, pick up "Mars Venus On A Date" by John Gray. It describes this beautifully! In the beginning, the MAN should be trying to attract or gain the attention of the WOMAN....at least in MY humble opinion. If a woman shows too much interest up front, or tries to chase after the man, it puts her in a very compromising position. She automatically has the UNDERhand, and the man has the UPPERhand.

A guy friend of mine even told me very recently that if a woman tells a man she's interested in him, or a friend tells him of her interest, then he automatically views her as just an "option". Sure, he may think she's attractive, and may even end up pursuing her, but usually he's just keeping the woman on the back-burner until something "better" comes along that offers him a little more of a challenge. Now, of course all men aren't like this...and some men like things very easy...but typically those are men who have been burned very badly before, and who are too afraid to even pursue a woman on their own.

So yea....2010 is a *NEW* year for me! I can just feel that I am closer and closer to finding that special *someone* (whoever he is) out there. I've learned a lot, and have healed. 2009 was all about mistakes, heartache, and learning & healing from my experiences. 2010 will be about finally seeing the fruitage of my labor.

Keep the great ideas, experiences, venting stories, learning experiences, etc. coming ladies!! I believe those of us who are single will find that "special someone" one day...just be patient and learn and grow and keep yourself fun, happy, and positive in the meantime!



My only questions/fears though are:

1) Since I can't really pursue or "make things happen" w/a guy, am I just destined to choose from guys (no matter how trifling they are) that are only interested in me first?? Or...is there another way to make myself more "interesting" to a guy that I may be "observing"?? In other words...what if you only attract ugly guys, or short guys, or guys w/no job, or just any guys you're NOT interested in? Are you destined to just go for them? What am I doing wrong? I want to attract higher-caliber men. Men who are serious, men who have thier stuff together, men who actually WANT a relationship, men who are nice-looking (yeah...I said it! )! But it seems like I only attract guys who are ugly, no personality, players, or don't have their stuff together. It's getting a little better, but I'd like to hear from women who have totally different men pursuing them now, and what they had to do in order to get that. I feel like I have most of my act together, so why can't I find someone who's the same? Do opposites REALLY attract? Or, am I fishing (oh excuse me...SWIMMING) in the "wrong pond"? What have YOU ladies done differently?

2) I'd really like a guy that I'm dating to also be a really good "Friend" to me...and it seems like "friends first" make the best relationships. Seems a lot of guys (especially ones around my younger age-bracket) like to go this route first too. But how do I get to be "friends" with a guy first? It seems a lot of the guys automatically assume that I want to make him my bf, when I'm just being NICE and FRIENDLY! Sheeesh! You would think I was asking a proposal for marriage or something! Plus, I didn't grow up w/brothers, so I have no idea how to be a "friend" w/a guy.


Idk...these are just 2 of the main questions that plague my mind every now and then. Aside from those two burning questions, I'm just sitting back and relaxing in 2010. I'm not resting on my laurels, but I'm approaching this "dating" thing with a new fresh set of eyes, and a different viewpoint. I'm focusing more on OBSERVING (ie. watching his actions, how he makes me FEEL, how he treats me, how he treats other people, etc) as opposed to trying to make sure that I'M the best that I can be for him, or trying to impress HIM, or win him over...puh-leeze! Thank goodness, I woke up and smelled the coffee. That trait is NEVER attractive to guys in a woman, and I'm glad I learned this from previous mistakes that I made.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

Good Questions ladies!

I'll try to address each of them one by one...

since I don't have the rules......I wonder if the book says to NEVER initiate a call LOL

what about texts? (half serious)

Well, according to "The Rules", you should only call him back in response to HIS call. In the beginning, it's okay to be a little unavailable. Especially if this is a guy you JUST met, or don't know from Adam. He shouldn't be getting all offended since you had a life BEFORE you met him n'est pas??

But honestly, Idk if I'm going to continue to follow "The Rules" directly to the letter 100%. Why?? Simply because I have friends and family members who all have started dating, gotten engaged, and married without doing those "rules", so you CAN have a relationship w/out following this book to the letter. Plus, times have changed since that book was first written (hello?? CELLphones ring a bell??), so while before maybe you would only come home to find a message on an answering machine from a man who was interested, now days a man can contact you anytime of the day if he wants!! So, I personally think the authors need to make a more UPDATED version of "the Rules" for the 21st Century.

As far as text messages go: I really don't like them...and I think it makes men waaaay too lazy. The time it took for him to write a text, he could have been talking to me on the phone!

Plus, I've NEVER had to really text a guy first when he was REALLY interested in me. If you want to go for the "one-text" rule...then go ahead. But after one initiating text from you, he should get the hint and pursue YOU. But honestly, I think texting is just a lazy form of communication if the man is romantically interested in you. Sure, texting to keep in touch when you to can't talk when you two are bf and gf is one thing, but ALL the time?? Ehh...

I'm in the same boat!

But my question is this: What do you say to him when you finally decide to pick up the phone? Of course he's going to come at you with the "Why haven't you been returning my calls?" or the "whatchu been doing?"

I think the "I've been busy" line comes across very phony/fake. Men can see right through that and then the games start all over again! Monkey see, monkey do.

So how do you guys put him back in his place without him thinking you're playing games or lying...I've even been called "sneaky" in the past erplexed

It took him a really long time to "win me over incrememtally." Now I really do like this guy...Of course he's starting to catch on, which has caused him to pull back/get lazy

He needs to be taught a good lesson now!!!!

Another good question!

Honestly, just tell him what you've been doing! Hopefully (as per "the Rules"), you HAVE been keeping yourself "busy", going out, doing things w/friends or family, having an active social life, etc, so that when he DOES call you, you can actually tell him some of the things you've been doing. Not only does this prevent you from sounding "fake", but it also shows him that you're a well-rounded, happening woman and that he will need to try a little harder in order to pry you away from your already-busy, fun-filled life!

Playing games however?? No...not cool at all...

As long as you sound happy to hear from him on the phone when he calls, and you two have great conversations, I really don't think a man is going to care whether he called first or not. When you two get more and more serious/committed, then there's nothing wrong w/calling him first.

I think the point was just not to get in the habit of calling me that you're interested in, or showing your cards too early by getting your heart involved and doing all the pursuing. Sometimes a man can start off pursuing a woman, but then the woman gets either a little TOO comfortable, or TOO "smitten", and so she ends up taking over the "pursuer" role. Not cool not cool! But if he's a little "confused" as to how you feel about him, then that's good. That lets you know that you're not doing too much. But it's also a sign that maybe you need to throw him a little bone every now and then so that he doesn't get frustrated and move on! LOL!

Because trust me...men WILL (and do) move on from a woman if she doesn't seem interested...or seems to be playing games. Trust me on that one. Had to learn that one the hard way when I was first starting out doing "the Rules".

My question is: How do you graduate a guy from texting?? Because there's this guy friend of mine (haha...yes, another "friend" ) who has been seeming more and more interested in me, but he texts instead of calls!! I used to be okay w/it since we were "just friends" anyway and I had no interest in him like that. But now that we're spending more and more time together and he seems to like me more and more, I'm kind of opening up to give him more and more of a chance, but I don't like this whole texting business. It's starting to get a little umm....idk...blah...

I start wondering: what OTHER girls are you "texting"?

 

[tiara76]

My only questions/fears though are:

1) Since I can't really pursue or "make things happen" w/a guy, am I just destined to choose from guys (no matter how trifling they are) that are only interested in me first?? Or...is there another way to make myself more "interesting" to a guy that I may be "observing"?? In other words...what if you only attract ugly guys, or short guys, or guys w/no job, or just any guys you're NOT interested in? Are you destined to just go for them? What am I doing wrong? I want to attract higher-caliber men. Men who are serious, men who have thier stuff together, men who actually WANT a relationship, men who are nice-looking (yeah...I said it! )! But it seems like I only attract guys who are ugly, no personality, players, or don't have their stuff together.

ask yourself questions too...how do you truly feel about yourself...lookwise, self worthwise, etc....this isn't a question you have to answer to me or on this board, just be completely honest with yourself on how you truly feel about yourself...most of us think if we have the externals of us goin good then thats what makes us "together" , we dress and look nice, have good jobs, make alot of money, act accordingly etc, that doesn't mean one has it together emotionally or mentally and most us claim to love ourselves, yet we do it the same way we love others with conditions....as long as, except when, only if sort of thing and thats not truly loving yourself

It's getting a little better, but I'd like to hear from women who have totally different men pursuing them now, and what they had to do in order to get that. I feel like I have most of my act together, so why can't I find someone who's the same? Do opposites REALLY attract? Or, am I fishing (oh excuse me...SWIMMING) in the "wrong pond"? What have YOU ladies done differently?

when you understand the nature of the feminine and masculine energy vs trying to figure out how the ego tries to run and construct relationships on females and males which is what alot of these books focus on you will easily be able to attract to you a man for you.....feminine energy is the magnet..it draws in...attracts....masculine is attracted too....feminine is meant to be open and receptive to the masculine...the feminine always has the choice to pick from those she attracts which is why it is unnecessary to "chase" anybody or wait for a man to choose you......you will know who is attracted to you, and the more in tune you are with this feminine energy the more you will be able to discern the real attractions from the superficial aspects..you will feel it...when you choose a man all you have to do is open up to him...if he is in ego mode and wants to chase or pursue then you either play the game with him and hope hes not just in it for the "chase' because you will always have to keep him pursuing you...and if you do decide to let him have you and he runs you will be broke down if you feel you "invested" in him and he bolts out on you

now if you open up to a man and he isn't in ego mode or all scared hes gonna get hurt and running from love... he will want to be with you....no games....a man doesn't validate the woman and alot of women feel that if a man pursues them then it makes her worth something...

its more common you will find men very resistant to entering into love with a woman when she opens to him....its very drawing and "tempting" to him but he fights it and if he fights it you let him go, he is not ready, in fact for all the women disillusioned that men are not into them when they retreat or run and take it personal...there is a very good chance he is running because he is too into you and men have just as many insecurities as women......shes gonna hurt me, im not worthy of her, all the other men are gonna want her i cant deal with that, shes gonna leave me and im gonna be destroyed, etc...however if he runs, let him run

trying to force or chase or pursue a guy to be with you speaks for the woman not for the man....being scared to be open to a man because of fear speaks for the woman not the man....a woman in a place of love lets the man go...a woman who is not becomes emotionally messed up, closed off and fearful and clingy

as a woman you will attract many different types of men....who you attract doesn't reflect who you are, its who you choose or who you are attracted to....if you feel you aren't attracting anybody "worth" anything to you...look at yourself...if you feel you like guys who aren't attracted to you but you seem to want to be with them...its like trying to get somebody who isn't into you to be into you....again...look at yourself...are you that into yourself is more important than if a man is..if u feel like u are trying to force urself to like somebody u dont'....again look at yourself

2) I'd really like a guy that I'm dating to also be a really good "Friend" to me...and it seems like "friends first" make the best relationships. Seems a lot of guys (especially ones around my younger age-bracket) like to go this route first too. But how do I get to be "friends" with a guy first? It seems a lot of the guys automatically assume that I want to make him my bf, when I'm just being NICE and FRIENDLY! Sheeesh! You would think I was asking a proposal for marriage or something! Plus, I didn't grow up w/brothers, so I have no idea how to be a "friend" w/a guy.

communication and honesty...keep it real with people...dont let people get the wrong idea and express yourself clearly to others


Idk...these are just 2 of the main questions that plague my mind every now and then. Aside from those two burning questions, I'm just sitting back and relaxing in 2010. I'm not resting on my laurels, but I'm approaching this "dating" thing with a new fresh set of eyes, and a different viewpoint. I'm focusing more on OBSERVING (ie. watching his actions, how he makes me FEEL, how he treats me, how he treats other people, etc) as opposed to trying to make sure that I'M the best that I can be for him, or trying to impress HIM, or win him over...puh-leeze! Thank goodness, I woke up and smelled the coffee. That trait is NEVER attractive to guys in a woman, and I'm glad I learned this from previous mistakes that I made.

be the best you can be for yourself and you won't have to worry about being the best for him..if he's into you by being the best woman you can be for you, you will automatically be the best woman you can be for him..and you won't have to try to do anything

 

[Mane Event]

^^^I'm one of those "texters" that you are talking about! 90% of the time I'd much rather text than talk. Some men like it, others don't. I was never really serious about getting into a relationship (until now), so texting made things easier and a lot less informal!!!

The best strategy someone has used on me to stop my texting habits was to call. They didn't even bother to respond to my text messages...they just pick up the phone and called!!!! Which actually worked!


If you wanna break bad texting before, start calling (of course after he has made contact with you). But break him in slowly...don't completely rule out texting just replace some messages with calls.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

ask yourself questions too...how do you truly feel about yourself...lookwise, self worthwise, etc....this isn't a question you have to answer to me or on this board, just be completely honest with yourself on how you truly feel about yourself[/B]...most of us think if we have the externals of us goin good then thats what makes us "together" , we dress and look nice, have good jobs, make alot of money, act accordingly etc, that doesn't mean one has it together emotionally or mentally and most us claim to love ourselves, yet we do it the same way we love others with conditions....as long as, except when, only if sort of thing and thats not truly loving yourself

Yep... That's true! We as women do have to ask ourselves questions. I think the more and more you come to love yourself, the less and less you need validation or love from others. I mean, it's always wonderful to be loved...but what I mean is that you won't fall to pieces just because some particular man doesn't feel the same way about you. So far, I've been working on this , and it has helped TREMENDOUSLY!

feminine energy is the magnet..it draws in...attracts....masculine is attracted too....feminine is meant to be open and receptive to the masculine...the feminine always has the choice to pick from those she attracts which is why it is unnecessary to "chase" anybody or wait for a man to choose you......you will know who is attracted to you, and the more in tune you are with this feminine energy the more you will be able to discern the real attractions from the superficial aspects..you will feel it...when you choose a man all you have to do is open up to him...if he is in ego mode and wants to chase or pursue then you either play the game with him and hope hes not just in it for the "chase' because you will always have to keep him pursuing you...and if you do decide to let him have you and he runs you will be broke down if you feel you "invested" in him and he bolts out on you

Yep, I agree with this too. That's why these days I'm paying more attention to the men who already seem somewhat interested in me, as opposed to the men who I feel like I have to "attract" or steal attention towards me. It's best to focus on the men who are already into YOU as opposed to the ones you're interested in and have to "chase".

as a woman you will attract many different types of men....who you attract doesn't reflect who you are, its who you choose or who you are attracted to....if you feel you aren't attracting anybody "worth" anything to you...look at yourself...if you feel you like guys who aren't attracted to you but you seem to want to be with them...its like trying to get somebody who isn't into you to be into you....again...look at yourself...are you that into yourself is more important than if a man is..if u feel like u are trying to force urself to like somebody u dont'....again look at yourself

Actually I kind of disagree with this. I think who you attract into your life says a lot about you too! I think who you attract towards you can reflect a lot about you as well. I'm not saying that if you happen to attract a man who's a deadbeat that this particularly reflects you too. I'm just saying that if you have a habit of attracting a certain type of man (one especially that you don't like to attract) then maybe you should look at yourself and see what it is you're doing, or maybe portraying to men in general the type of person that you are.

Case in point, a woman may be very smart and conservative and want a true meaningful long-term relationship with a man, but if she's dressing provocatively all the time, talking too much about sex w/ a man on the first date, acting overly flirtatious or silly around men, she may find that a lot of men don't take her seriously. Or, they may use her for one-night stands or booty calls, but they don't view her as "the one" they want to bring home to mom, or eventually settle down with and call a wife. It's not that the woman has anything wrong with her per se, but it's just how she's communicating who she is on the inside that may be a problem. In addition, if a woman feels like she has to use these types of means in order to attract attention from a man, then that may say something about her as well. *shrugs*

be the best you can be for yourself and you won't have to worry about being the best for him..if he's into you by being the best woman you can be for you, you will automatically be the best woman you can be for him..and you won't have to try to do anything

Yep! So true! That's what I'm working on! I've already come very far.

^^^I'm one of those "texters" that you are talking about! 90% of the time I'd much rather text than talk. Some men like it, others don't. I was never really serious about getting into a relationship (until now), so texting made things easier and a lot less informal!!!

That's cool! I know some people that just prefer to text rather than talk w/a man (or anyone for that matter) over the phone. Some people just aren't "phone people". No biggie. But if you would prefer he call, or if you would like a deeper more meaningful relationship, then you need to either stop w/all the text messaging, or just let him know that you prefer phone calls....or say your fingers are tired...you're driving, etc... Idk...just ANYTHING to get him to start calling you more vs. texting.

The best strategy someone has used on me to stop my texting habits was to call. They didn't even bother to respond to my text messages...they just pick up the phone and called!!!! Which actually worked!


If you wanna break bad texting before, start calling (of course after he has made contact with you). But break him in slowly...don't completely rule out texting just replace some messages with calls.

Yeah, that's a good idea. But what if you've already called this guy once before? I only called him because he invited me somewhere, and I wasn't sure I was going to be able to make it with him and some friends, and so he told me to "call" him if I thought I was going to be able to join them later on. Well, I called...but unfortunately he didn't get my call/message until late! I couldn't go anyway, so I didn't mind. But I did the "call once" for breaking the ice, but he didn't get the hint! I mean, you would think that if I called him he would get the hint right??

Yet, he CONTINUES to text me and invite me places. Maybe I should just figure he's not really that into me right now. Idk... We're just friends anyway, but I do sense an interest on his end. He even hinted to a friend of mine that he's interested in me, and she told me. But if he's not calling..... Ummm.... I know one thing, I'm not going to get into the "pursuer seat"!

I'll wait a few more months and see where this leads.... Right now I'm just being more and more open to different guys, and seeing what happens.

 

[tiara76]

Actually I kind of disagree with this. I think who you attract into your life says a lot about you too! I think who you attract towards you can reflect a lot about you as well. I'm not saying that if you happen to attract a man who's a deadbeat that this particularly reflects you too. I'm just saying that if you have a habit of attracting a certain type of man (one especially that you don't like to attract) then maybe you should look at yourself and see what it is you're doing, or maybe portraying to men in general the type of person that you are.

Case in point, a woman may be very smart and conservative and want a true meaningful long-term relationship with a man, but if she's dressing provocatively all the time, talking too much about sex w/ a man on the first date, acting overly flirtatious or silly around men, she may find that a lot of men don't take her seriously. Or, they may use her for one-night stands or booty calls, but they don't view her as "the one" they want to bring home to mom, or eventually settle down with and call a wife. It's not that the woman has anything wrong with her per se, but it's just how she's communicating who she is on the inside that may be a problem. In addition, if a woman feels like she has to use these types of means in order to attract attention from a man, then that may say something about her as well. *shrugs*

of course if it seems you are only attracting certain type of men you have to look at yourself...the more fully of a woman you are the wider the spectrum of men you will attract from the bums and the deadbeats to the highest quality because men by nature are attracted to a 'whole' woman so the more whole you become as a woman the more men you will attract and your attraction field wont seem to "stop" up to a certain type of guy ....

like this...if you are up to a point in your life as a woman you will attract men anywhere from zero right up to where you are at....you wont attract to you anybody above where you are.....

a woman who is smart and conservative but goes out of her way to pretend to be something she is not is very insecure, if she thinks by acting superficial she will get realness she is delusional esp if she has judgements agains being sexual, flirty and dressing provacative and somehow thinks she wont attract men who will reflect that back to her, if she lets men use her she feels worthless

on the inside she feels insecure and worthless and that vibration is being communicated loud and clear...and if thats how she feels there is nothing wrong with that, just don't be surprised that the energy and feelings she feels within her gets reflected back to her outside of her from other people, esp men

women have these vast internal judgements and conflicst and separation of themselves as a woman within...a woman can be sexy and smart, conservative and alluring, provacative and reserved, sexual and worthy, flirty and serious...if you think being smart, conservative, reserved, and serious is better (good girl) than being sexy, alluring, provacative, flirty and sexual you are already a woman divided in herself...and vice versa the woman who plays solely into the other side (bad girl) is divided within herself and we play out this division outside of us....
and there creates that infamous threat of the "other woman" so many women fear..thats a whole nother thread tho

any man a woman chooses to engage with on deeper levels or physical levels will treat her how she treats herself

 

[varaneka]

I tried to find this book today but it was at a library farther away and wasn't even at the barnes and noble!

I'll try to check it out (if I don't have a fine) before my big weekend with my new prospect lol

just adding a link to the top 10 rules http://www.therulesbook.com/topten.html

 

[Kiadodie]

like this...if you are up to a point in your life as a woman you will attract men anywhere from zero right up to where you are at....you wont attract to you anybody above where you are.....

This statement REALLY stuck out for me. I think you are right. A whole person will attract another whole person...that's what I'm working on now, being whole.

 

[varaneka]

so how many dates should he pay for before the woman offers to pay for something?

 

[Serenity_Peace]

^^^ That's a great question.

 

[HoneyA]

I don't practise the Rules per se. I've never even read the book but it is true that when you don't really do much guys do pay more attention. Since my 5 year relationship ended because he "was feeling pressured", I decided that I wasn't going to lift a finger where guys were concerned. I made up in my mind that I wasn't going to do anything. I was going to spend that energy on myself or on doing something to help other people. God has my back so I'll be just fine. I have never called or emailed my ex since I made up my mind that I had to let go but he calls and emails though, telling me he still loves me and wants to know how I'm doing. I'm always polite when I respond but I'm not going back there.

With the guy I am dating now, I don't do anything. I hardly call or text and yet he "feels drawn to me" (his words not mine). He calls and texts everyday, takes me out and pays, cooks dinner (and makes sure it's not too spicy because he knows I have stomach issues LOL), always makes sure I'm taken care of. He does all this and he knows where I stand where sex is concerned. We don't see each other that often though so we have to communicate a lot via Skype. Today he said to me "I really like you and I can't imagine not being able to talk to you".

Looking back, I am sure I handled my last relationship the wrong way from the get-go. I don't know what the next step with this current guy will be. All I know is that from the time I made the decision above and started to value me as the person God made me, I didn't need validation from anyone else. That made it easy to follow "the rules" I guess even though I didn't set out to. Hope this helps someone.

 

[varaneka]

I just checked out the rules and the rules II yesterday from the library

 

[Bunny77]

so how many dates should he pay for before the woman offers to pay for something?

On the third date, I might offer to pay for ice cream or coffee at a different location. Sometimes I've contributed a coupon to the bill (I live in an area where there are tons of restaurants with coupons!!!).

For the most part though, I don't pay for anything major until we're exclusive.

I dated one man too who wouldn't even let me contribute anything... in general, I pay for very little and a lot of times, nothing, in the early stages of dating.