*Spinoff* "The Rules Challenge!--"Rules" girls get in here!

[Jade Feria]

Ugh!

LOL, so I have a rule that I only text/BBM close friends, business partners, and SO. I was making some contacts and networking with people online when this dude, who hinted that he was interested in me, asked me about something business-related. We exchanged numbers solely for that purpose, but I didn't put his number in my phone. Again, I don't text people such as this.. I usually just don't respond to them. If we're going to talk business, we're doing it over the phone..not texting.

So then I get a text (almost at 10 pm) saying, "Hey, how are you?"
I say, "I am excellent. Who is this?"
Him: It's ___________
Me: *dang it* Hi ________. I'm a little busy right now. I'll talk to you tomorrow.
Him: Ok. Tomorrow then sweetheart
Me:

Another example of how The Rules work is...you see how it works when you automatically apply them to a guy you have no interest in. So similar scenario as above with the phone number exchange. Soon after, he texts me:

Him: Hey sexy how you
Me:
Him: I'm at work now, what you doing?
Me:

A couple hours later, he calls me. I was on a call so I didn't answer. He didn't leave a message. Two hours later he calls again. Much to his dismay I was on another call, LOL, so I didn't answer. He leaves a message.

Next day I return his call. He doesn't answer, I leave a message. One of my business partners calls me. While I'm on the phone, he calls me 4 TIMES in a 10 minute time span. Geez! I make some more calls, then he calls me again. I answer.

He says, "Oh, so we're playing phone tag?"
I think, "More like phone clubbing over the head. "
I'm talking business and goals
He's talking about how he wants to vacation with me.
Dude, I met you yesterday. Let's talk about making this money already.

Then with my SO...
He texted me
I texted him back, he did not respond
The next day while he was at work, he texted me "good morning"
Me:
He texted me, "How are you??"
Me:

He calls me. I pick up, and sweetly say hello. He says, "Yo, what happened to you? Are you ok?" I say I am fabulous. He says again, "Is everything alright? What happened? You didn't respond to me." I say, "Oh, my bad (<-- he always says this when I jokingly call him out on something), I'm here! I was taking care of some business."

After that, I had no problem hearing from him.


ETA: And so there you have it....men don't respond to words...they respond to no contact!

 

[SoSweet08]

^^ haha that was an excellent example Jade

 

[AnjelLuvs]

I been gone for a minute, but jumping back on, nothing has improved in my dating life, and after reading some of the resposnes on the last couple of pages I can see why... Off to recap...

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

ETA: And so there you have it....men don't respond to words...they respond to no contact!

Exactly! You'd be surprised how "interested" or "intrigued" some guys get when you DON'T give them the time of day. LOL! I don't know if men have that built-in sense of entitlement or whatever....but I know that a LOT of guys just like to be acknowledged by women.

Case in point: I know of some men who have girlfriends...(WIVES even!) who will get all huffy just because they go to a party/gathering and the women aren't paying them any mind! You should see/hear them talk! They are almost incredulous like: "What? She's not talking or looking at ME?" Then it's off to get her attention. My "ex" guy friend does this all the time. As soon as I've moved on (or tried to move on)....it's almost like he can sense this, and UP in my face he goes again. IN my mind I'm thinking: "Typical...you guys are all so predictable lol".



Sometimes if I'm at a party, I will DELIBERATELY not give the hottest guys in the room attention. LOL! I don't approach guys anymore anyway, but when I see hot guys walk into the room who THINK that they are all that, I deliberately get engrossed in conversation with another woman, or mind my own business. I don't even look their way!

One time I was at this party right, and so I decided to try out "The Rules". Well, I dressed nicely, and was sweet, smiled at everyone, but did NOT approach any guys or start any conversations with any guys. Well, at one point this REALLY nice-looking guy came into the party. HE was all built and looked nice, and I could tell that he was used to girls just falling at his feet. My girl friend and I didn't pay him any mind. Another girl walked into the party and you could just tell she was an attention-hog. She was definitely acting "UN-rulesy" and was up talking in every guy's face. She worked that room boy! For a second I kind of wished I could be up in a guy's face getting all the attention that she was getting...but I stuck to my guns and decided to just enjoy the company that I had around me.

Well, my girl friend and I had to leave the party early, and while heading towards the door to leave sure enough who do I see chatting it up with "hot dude"??? The "un-rulesy" "attention-hog" girl!! Well, I just said goodbye to her nonchalantly and breezed by them to reach for the door knob. Do you know that "hot dude" stopped his conversation mid-sentence with the girl, and asked my girl friend and I: "Wait a second...you guys are leaving? What are your names??" My friend gave her name, and I just smiled sweetly and said: "Crystal" and then turned to leave. He said: "oh okay...nice meeting you two". We both smiled and said "thanks! Take care!" Meanwhile... "attention-hog" girl is looking at us dumb-founded!!

I thought that was the FUNNIEST thing!! It's funny how men become MORE intrigued in a woman when she doesn't do too much, or try too hard. I didn't even give him any mind because I knew that if he REALLY liked what he saw and wanted to get to know me better, he could just ask the host of the party about me after I left. No harm..no foul.

So you see, "The Rules" aren't really about "playing hard to get" or "playing games". It's more about learning and being able to weed out the "fakers" from the guys who are REALLY genuinely interested in you and want a serious relationship. Yeah, you may have to wait a little longer to find a guy who's actually worth your salt, but in the end you'll be happier because you won't end up with someone who's only lukewarm about you, or one who could just take you or leave you. Plus, most things that are worth having take more time and effort to acquire. So...yeah we may want to chase after guys, or go ask that cute guy for his number, but how much BETTER it feels when a guy notices OUR worth and beauty and walks over to US and asks US for OUR number?? :eyebrows2

So...bottom line...we don't have to try so hard ladies.

 

[Jade Feria]

^^^ Great story Crystalicequeen! Sometimes I want to throw the book at some of these girls when I see them trying too hard, or trying to assert themselves. The guy in my story who called me 4 times in 10 minutes was one of those guys who had females all over him too. Womp squared!

I'm so glad I discovered The Rules! Totally debunked just about everything I had been reading in Cosmopolitan magazine since I was in 8th grade.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

^^^ Great story Crystalicequeen! Sometimes I want to throw the book at some of these girls when I see them trying too hard, or trying to assert themselves. The guy in my story who called me 4 times in 10 minutes was one of those guys who had females all over him too. Womp squared!

I'm so glad I discovered The Rules! Totally debunked just about everything I had been reading in Cosmopolitan magazine since I was in 8th grade.

Hehe! Thanks! I liked your story too.

Oh yeah and btw...I learned not to believe or take the "advice" from Cosmo long time ago girl. Ha!!! In the book WMLB Sherry Argove talks about Cosmo magazine like it's the plague! haha

Poor Cosmo....they have good intentions, but the advice is just so not right for dealing with men. It doesn't take into consideration how guys/men think. Men think DIFFERENTLY than women...and ARE different from women.

 

[Helpmeblongagain]

Ladies...how do I let some1 know Im interested w/o breaking the rules??

Ive been talking 2 this guy and I like him...but it seems like hes starting 2 think Im not interested bcuz of my lack of calling...he says things like "you can call me too, you know?"

What should I do

 

[Jade Feria]

Hehe! Thanks! I liked your story too.

Oh yeah and btw...I learned not to believe or take the "advice" from Cosmo long time ago girl. Ha!!! In the book WMLB Sherry Argove talks about Cosmo magazine like it's the plague! haha

Poor Cosmo....they have good intentions, but the advice is just so not right for dealing with men. It doesn't take into consideration how guys/men think. Men think DIFFERENTLY than women...and ARE different from women.

You are soo right about that! Cosmo was my dating bible Oh so wrong! LOL as I was reading WMMB, I was cracking up! She would joke about magazine articles that suggest to "wear some sexy lingerie", and how females would do this on the second date and wonder why they never got a relationship out of the situation. As soon as I read that, I thought of Cosmo.

Ever since reading those books, I really did avoid Cosmo like the plague. I'd see their titles (How to Get Your Guy Hot in 0-60; 20 Sexy Moves that Will Make Him Love You; What His Sleeping Position Tells You; Superhot Scents that Turn Him On; How to Rack Up Good-Girlfriend Points) and just Shake My Head

 

[Bunny77]

Ladies...how do I let some1 know Im interested w/o breaking the rules??

Ive been talking 2 this guy and I like him...but it seems like hes starting 2 think Im not interested bcuz of my lack of calling...he says things like "you can call me too, you know?"

What should I do

Has he asked you out? Do you go out with this man?

I wouldn't be going back and forth by phone... actually, what I might say is something like, "You know, I prefer in-person conversations instead of phone calls."

Then he should get the hint. If not, move on.

 

[Helpmeblongagain]

Yes, we've gone out...and have another date next wk...but I sense he would like ME to call him...

Has he asked you out? Do you go out with this man?

I wouldn't be going back and forth by phone... actually, what I might say is something like, "You know, I prefer in-person conversations instead of phone calls."

Then he should get the hint. If not, move on.

 

[Bunny77]

Yes, we've gone out...and have another date next wk...but I sense he would like ME to call him...

Okay. Well, I'd say this... I think the man should do the majority of the calling, but it's not a bad thing to call every once in a while.

I did that with my current guy, but still, he called more often than not. Maybe a 4:1 ratio of him vs. me.

But... it's still early. Don't get thrown off and allow him to lessen his pursuit of you!

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

Ladies...how do I let some1 know Im interested w/o breaking the rules??

Ive been talking 2 this guy and I like him...but it seems like hes starting 2 think Im not interested bcuz of my lack of calling...he says things like "you can call me too, you know?"

What should I do

Hmm...good question! :scratchch

Any more "experienced" Rules Ladies want to take this??

I'm not sure I would be giving the best advice. The "old me" would start to call him more. But.... the new "Rules Girl" me is deep down saying: "If he's REALLY into you, then he'll call you and won't ask you to call him!" Most men who have been really into me have never asked ME to call, and have never asked: "Hey...how come you don't call ME?? YOu can call ME too you know." They have just never said that.

If he's not really interested, or he's lukewarm about you, then yeah I can see him maybe asking that.

It all depends on how you come across when HE calls. For example... when guys that I knew liked me would call, I would ALWAYS be sweet if I liked them back or wanted to give them a chance. OR...I would RETURN their phone call after some time passed by.

You almost have to make it seem like you're calling them...when in reality you're not.

Here's what you do:

-ALWAYS Be NICE and friendly when he calls. Let him know that it's good to hear from him if you two have been talking for a while. Also, if he tells you that he enjoys talking to you, it's okay to let him know that you enjoy talking to him too! I don't see anything wrong with that.

-How will he know you're interested?? When you ACCEPT his dates, look nice, and be friendly on those dates...that's how! Really ladies...it doesn't take much for a guy to think you're into him. I've had guys think that I was into them simply because I smiled at him and gave him longer eye-contact than usual. Come on now...We don't have to Spell it out for them.

-RETURN his calls every ONCE in a while. It will sort of make it seem like you're calling him, but in reality, you're just returning HIS calls.

Now when you two become exclusive and have been dating for a few more months, then I think it's okay to initiate calls to him. But still make sure that HE's calling you more than you're calling him.

You are soo right about that! Cosmo was my dating bible Oh so wrong! LOL as I was reading WMMB, I was cracking up! She would joke about magazine articles that suggest to "wear some sexy lingerie", and how females would do this on the second date and wonder why they never got a relationship out of the situation. As soon as I read that, I thought of Cosmo.

Ever since reading those books, I really did avoid Cosmo like the plague. I'd see their titles (How to Get Your Guy Hot in 0-60; 20 Sexy Moves that Will Make Him Love You; What His Sleeping Position Tells You; Superhot Scents that Turn Him On; How to Rack Up Good-Girlfriend Points) and just Shake My Head

Oh I know! Aren't those articles disgusting now?? Never do I see those articles focusing on what the GUY should be doing to impress the girl. It's always: "Do x, y, z and he'll fall in love with you!" Ummm.... NOT!! I feel sorry for some of the women who actually believe the advice.

 

[Jade Feria]

Hmm...good question! :scratchch

Any more "experienced" Rules Ladies want to take this??

I'm not sure I would be giving the best advice. The "old me" would start to call him more. But.... the new "Rules Girl" me is deep down saying: "If he's REALLY into you, then he'll call you and won't ask you to call him!" Most men who have been really into me have never asked ME to call, and have never asked: "Hey...how come you don't call ME?? YOu can call ME too you know." They have just never said that.

If he's not really interested, or he's lukewarm about you, then yeah I can see him maybe asking that.

It all depends on how you come across when HE calls. For example... when guys that I knew liked me would call, I would ALWAYS be sweet if I liked them back or wanted to give them a chance. OR...I would RETURN their phone call after some time passed by.

You almost have to make it seem like you're calling them...when in reality you're not.

Here's what you do:

-ALWAYS Be NICE and friendly when he calls. Let him know that it's good to hear from him if you two have been talking for a while. Also, if he tells you that he enjoys talking to you, it's okay to let him know that you enjoy talking to him too! I don't see anything wrong with that.

-How will he know you're interested?? When you ACCEPT his dates, look nice, and be friendly on those dates...that's how! Really ladies...it doesn't take much for a guy to think you're into him. I've had guys think that I was into them simply because I smiled at him and gave him longer eye-contact than usual. Come on now...We don't have to Spell it out for them.

-RETURN his calls every ONCE in a while. It will sort of make it seem like you're calling him, but in reality, you're just returning HIS calls.

Now when you two become exclusive and have been dating for a few more months, then I think it's okay to initiate calls to him. But still make sure that HE's calling you more than you're calling him.




Oh I know! Aren't those articles disgusting now?? Never do I see those articles focusing on what the GUY should be doing to impress the girl. It's always: "Do x, y, z and he'll fall in love with you!" Ummm.... NOT!! I feel sorry for some of the women who actually believe the advice.

Great advice! If it looks like he's questioning whether YOU'RE into HIM, just sweeten the pot, as Sherry Argov says. Do this by complimenting him (not profusely, lol), or telling him you respect his opinion and asking him about something.

 

[dreysonsmommy2011]

I'm not sure I would be giving the best advice. The "old me" would start to call him more. But.... the new "Rules Girl" me is deep down saying: "If he's REALLY into you, then he'll call you and won't ask you to call him!" Most men who have been really into me have never asked ME to call, and have never asked: "Hey...how come you don't call ME?? YOu can call ME too you know." They have just never said that.

I just visited this thread to see what it's about. Just really reminds of what my Big Momma would call "courting" days. I'm not sure about the bold. I'm old fashioned in the sense that I do prefer the guy to call me as opposed to me calling him. I have had guys ask me why I don't call. Which was odd when it first happened, but i've since learned that guys want us to show that we are interested in them too! Despite being pleasant on the phone... if the guy is just calling you all the time it kind of makes him feel as though he doesn't cross your mind...erplexed

 

[LaBella]

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[Crystalicequeen123]

Hey LaBella....first of all, welcome to "The Rules" thread!

Now on to your question....

Hi Ladies,
I have been lurking around for quite a while, and have come out only occasionaly. But I am curious if someone has the same issue I have.
There is this man, who is about the best one I have ever come across. He has got it all: nice personality, education, good job and not to forget he is tall and handsome. There is one big issue, he lives on another continent. He moved there about 4 months after I first saw him, which was at work. The steamy looks were driving me crazy, but we didn't know eachother, he was just 2 desks behind me. When I found out he was leaving, which was 2-3 weeks before he did, I was the one who initated the first chat. That is now over 2,5 years ago, we have been doing the occasional email since then. But early this year things changed. We started calling and texting more and got to know eachother better by talking a lot. There is definitely some kind of click. He is here every 2 months for a couple of days and he invited me for coffee some of months ago. So we met again end of May after almost 2 years. In August he was here he again and we met 2 times this time in the 4 days he was here. He calls to confirm the meetings, he pays for whatever we are doing. But the thing is I notice I initiate most of our contact when he is not around. Now he let me know in one of our last conversation, that he will be here again end of October and he would really like to see me again. I would like to know if I don't initiate any contact in the meantime if he will contact me to see how I am and if we are still meeting, etc. But somehow I just can't stop myself from contacting him about every 2 weeks if I haven't heard anything. And I really want to know, what if I don't...Hahaha, I know I sound hopeless, but I really like him and I just want to know: is he into me too...when we talk and meet signs show he is, but how do I stop myself from initiating a call, email or text? Is there anyone who is/was as impatient as I am? And how do you work with that?

Wow! Quite a bit of questions you have there! I'm not going to profess to be the "Rules Girl" Queen or anything, and other fellow "Rules Girls" please feel free to add some input as well... But here is what reading "The Rules" has helped me to determine after reading your story.

One thing that stood out to me from the get-go is that you are feeling like you are doing most of the initiating of contact. Something about that doesn't sit well with me. I think you even mentioned how you wonder if you didn't contact him then would he even contact you at all? Well, do you know what I usually tell my girlfriends when they start saying things like this?? I tell them: Try an experiment! Go a whole month (if not longer) without contacting him, and see if he bothers to call, e-mail, heck...even TEXT you! Just try it! Most guys that are into a girl can't go more than a week (let alone a MONTH!) without contacting the girl in SOME way. But even then you have to beware! I sadly had the unfortunate experience where this guy and I were "talking" for two years over the phone long-distance in different states. He would call religiously every 2 or 3 weeks. I NEVER (or rarely) initiated contact w/him, but he still ended up getting engaged and marrying another girl! So that just goes to show that a guy can even be the main one calling YOU ,but that doesn't mean he doesn't have a gf or another girl back home. I'm just telling you that story so that you keep your eyes open.

Now with your guy, things are a little tricky since he's overseas, so I'm sure calling everyday is probably out of the question! But e-mails, letters, and occassional phone calls shouldn't break the wallet too much.

The Pros:
-It sounds like he's trying to get together w/you when he's in town
-He's inviting you out ahead of time
-He pays for the "dates" or outings you two have

Those are all GOOD signs!

The Cons:
The main thing that bothers me however is that it sounds like you won't hear from him for over 2 weeks when he goes back home overseas, and because of this...you're feeling the itch to start chasing after him. It only bugs me because I'm thinking that while he may enjoy your company when he's in town, he might also have a gf, or another girl that he's interested in back at home...so please don't get too caught up with him! I may not be that old, and I don't have a lot of dating experience, but if there's one thing that I've learned from dealing with a guy that I was head over heels in love with (who ended up playing games with me btw), it's that: If a guy is giving me the urge to CHASE, pursue, or analyze HIM...the more than likely, this guy is not interested in me ENOUGH. And therefore, he is not the right guy for me! Men's instinctive nature is to HUNT, so if he's making you feel insecure to the point where you feel like chasing him or overanalyzing the situation, then it's "NEXT!!" I learned my lesson. It's so not worth it.

How do you remain patient and refrain from calling or contacting him?? Simple! Believe that YOU are the "prize". In the beginning stages, a woman should allow the man to pursue her. He should have to work at least a little bit to obtain her. Later on when he has proven himself and has shown that he's serious about you and really into you, THEN you can start to gradually let down more of your guard and initiate more things w/him.

Until then, you two are just "getting to know each other". Unless he brings up the talk of being "exclusive", you can feel free to date others. Some women may actually initiate the talk of "exclusivity" with a man that they have been going on dates with and talking to for over 3 months. While that is not "The Rules", at least 3 months or a certain amount of dates should allow you to know whethe the guy is serious about a relationship or not. Even if you ask the guy about exclusivity, or have "the talk" with him and he admits that he's not "ready" for a serious relationship with you, at least you will have your answer and you can move on without having wasted too much of your time.

So, just take it easy girlie! I would let him call you and initiate more. Try going a month w/out contacting him or "reminding" him of your plans for October. Just see what happens! Who knows?? He may end up missing you and will start pursuing more. Trust me, if a guy is interested, he will eventually call you to confirm your plans.

TR are all about weeding out the fakers & players and making room for the guys who are genuinely interested in you and serious about a relationship. Don't make the mistake I made in the past and waste time on a guy who is only lukewarm about you, or who isn't ready to be serious about a relationship.

HTH!

PS--If you haven't done so already, please pick up a copy of "The Rules" or "All the Rules" at the library or the nearest bookstore. I think what I wrote will make more sense.

 

[Jade Feria]

^^^ GREAT advice, Crystalicequeen! ITA with everything!

Just wanted to add a couple of things.

LaBella, it looks as though he is "spoiled" by you initiating contact that first time before he left. As The Rules states, when a girl initiates the first contact with a guy, he then comes to expect her to initiate alot more. Definitely follow Crystal's advice and don't contact him for a month. Keep yourself BUSY! Take some time out for your hobbies. Date other guys...definitely keep your options open. But don't contact him! If he is into you he will TRACK you DOWN!

Long distance or not, I think 2-3 weeks is way too long for a guy to wait without making SOME kind of contact if he's really into you. My guy is in another state and since we've been apart, not a day goes by without contact from him. Even when he acts out a little and I really apply the rules and don't contact him for a full day, he's still calling and texting that same day.

Also, if you haven't contacted him for a month, but you see that he only contacts you right around the time he will be in town, I'd start looking elsewhere if I were you. Been there, done that!

And then he leaves town and not a word from him? I'd be wary of that also. No call or email saying, "I made it in one piece"? Hmmm..

I'm not sure of the nature of your dates with him (i.e. whether or not you've had sex), but be careful with that too. The Rules says you treat dates with someone long distance the same way you would with a local guy. That means every visit is a date. So the first time he visited was your first date. The second time was your second date. Doesn't matter how much you email, talk or text on the phone in between. So having sex w/him the second time he comes around is like sex on the second date.

2.5 years is a long time to hold on to uncertainty, so do The Rules and be sure! Definitely get a copy of All The Rules.

Like I said, keep your options open. There are MANY MORE where he came from!

 

[LaBella]

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[melodies815]

I just wanted to add that my husband and I courted while he was overseas, and he called EVERY SINGLE DAY...sometimes multiple times per day.

He got an international calling card, paid for me to have one as well and eventually proposed and sent my ring through the mail.

We did have history of a strong and deeply committed friendship (sounds like we were in love, but we were not.) I didn't like him like that at all...but we had a very special friendship that somehow was always different from any man with whom I had had a friendship.

So...I am just co-signing on the fact that if a man wants you, he will make it plain to you and probably to others as well. You got great advice here....

...and before we were courting, when he didn't call me, I did NOT call him. We once went 4 months without speaking - no communication at all, no email...nothing. I was miserable and sick over it because I love that man of mine, but I stood my ground on not calling. I used to call all the time, and I never gave him time to process what he was feeling. When he did get in touch finally, he let me know that the reason he never called was because he was ashamed of how he had treated me the previous time we'd interacted. He apologized and we started over from that point.

During courtship, I would call once in the day (after he had already called me at least once..but I always ended the conversation before him and kept him pursuing me.) Just recently, I decided that I want him to pursue again. I am getting ready to do some of the rules again inside marriage. The Rules = the bomb!!

When he's not calling, just spend quality time with yourself and know that you are the prize!

Best to you, and I hope that you are able to follow the rules so you can get clarity on who he is to you and what he really thinks of a possible you and him. If you give him time and space, he will figure it out and whatever the direction he chooses, you will be better off for his decision.

If he's not interested like you want him to be, that frees you up for someone who is interested and will freely do the inconvenient for you; however, if he is interested, we all get to celebrate with you.

Blessings to you while you wait!!

cj

 

[Jade Feria]

^ ^ ^ Melodie...I love your story! Thanks so much for sharing it!

THANKS Crystalicequeen and Jade Feria!

Yes, I need to go a find a thread that will help me to find them, been looking and looking, don't see any...

Thanks ladies! I will to the best I can this month, and that means: silence! No mail, no call, no text, nothing!

Don't look so hard, you will only attract more searching. Just know that they are there already. Read and reread Melodie's story

 

[LaBella]

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[darkangel25]

This has been a great thread and I am not even finished reading it yet. It was hard reading some of it because it described some of my actions pefectly. It forced me to face the cold, harsh truth. I am ready to start playing by the rules. Thank you ladies for sharing your experiences. Not quite ready yet to share mine, but I will soon.


1) Why are you personally participating in "The Rules" challenge?

Because it is obvious from the past that I have been going about dating the wrong way.

2) How long do you plan on doing the challenge?


I don't know how long I will do it, guess I'll take it a day at a time.

3) Has pursuing men worked for you in the past? Yes? No? (Feel free to explain/elaborate if you wish)

Definitely not and instead leaves me feeling stupid and wishing I could hide underneath a rock.

4) What do you hope to gain by participating in "The Rules" Challenge?

To be more disciplined and not rush in too quickly. I want to give any potential relationship the chance
to develop slowly and naturally. I don't want to ever have that feeling again where I wonder if I have said or
done something wrong. If it doesn't work, I'll know that he just wasn't that into me.

5) When are you starting the challenge? (If you haven't received your book yet, you can still start the rules by making it a point not to chase/pursue any man)

Im starting right now. I'll probably get the book in a few weeks as a birthday gift to myself.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

THANKS Crystalicequeen and Jade Feria!

I was afraid my post was too long, but after I saw the one Crystalicequeen send...not anymore!

ROTFL!! Haha...yeah... most people on this board probably know by now that I can be pretty long-winded at times!

Sorry if it bored you. But I just had to clarify some things

Thanks ladies! I will to the best I can this month, and that means: silence! No mail, no call, no text, nothing!

Yep! Just call it a little "experiment" if you will. You will see where you stand with him soon enough. Be sure to come back with your updates!

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

~*~*Happy Anniversary "Rules Girls"!!!*~*~

LOL...I was just looking at the first page of this thread, and I can't believe that it has been exactly 1 year since I started this thread! OMG!

 

[taj]

Great thread!!! I don't have the book, but I do follow the "Rules".

 

[Jade Feria]

Happy Anniversary Rules Ladies!

It hasn't been a year for me, and I'm still learning and practicing The Rules, but am I GLAD I found them!

So as I stated in the other thread, I'm going to post up the story about my relationship with my ex. My "Rules breaking" and "nice girl actions" will be in pink. It's long, so grab a cup of hot chocolate and sit back.

*names have been changed to protect the not-so-innocent!

So Samuel and I met on Valentines Day in 2003 on South Beach in Miami. He approached me. I thought he was so charming and cute. He asked for my number and I gave it to him. He called me and we had great conversations. I wasn't doing the 4 minute rule, but they weren't hour-long convos either. We would go out to places together, enjoying each others' company, blah blah. I was light and breezy. The first time he came to my college apt, he tried to push up on me in THAT way, but I slowed him down.

Fast Forward about 4 months later, I asked him where he saw things going with us, and whether we were official or not. He said we were. Great! The nookie started. He would go out to clubs every once in a while and I was fine with it. Other than that, we spent alot of time together. Then he started going out to clubs alot more, not inviting me. He would only come to see me when it was convenient, and to sleep over. He would sleep at my apartment/dorm, wake up, go to work, come back, and shower and change to go out with his boys. The majority of our time together was spent sleeping. I started asking him how come he didn't take me out with him anymore and that I wanted us to spend more quality time together. I kept initiating stuff to do, to which he said, "we're together all the time". I spent money on him. I let him use my car, and he got into two separate accidents for. Which I took the blame for when I went home to my parents. I bought him this really [REALLY] expensive watch that he wanted for Christmas, not expecting anything major from him in return.

I had access to his email account, because he would often have me check his email. I saw a couple of emails from ex girlfriends saying things like, "I was waiting for you last night." I would call him and BLOW UP on him. He would give me whatever excuse, which I forgave him for, because I just wanted our relationship to work out. Then in December 2004 when I had enough of the suspicions of other females, the lack of quality time together (he used to use my being in school as the reason why we couldn't spend much time together, but then when I was on winter break he was still nowhere to be found). I told him he had to make a choice, and if it continued, I was going to break up with him. [ultimatum] I guess he didn't take me seriously. My birthday came and went, and I didn't see him, because he "didn't have gas in his car". Throughout all this time, I had done things like send him long emails and write long letters 'expressing my feelings' [cringe at the thought now]. I asked him why he refused to do things like give me cards and buy me flowers. Still no change from him.

Then finally, I broke up with him in the summer of 2005. It was easy for me to do because my feelings for him started to wane, I was tired of his BS, and I was done with school and was miles and miles away from him at my parents' house, so the chances of me running into him were nil.

So I moved on. I was confused as to why he treated me that way. After all, I treated him well - at least I thought so- and I was faithful and loyal to him the entire time. But anyway, I was over and done. I went back to Miami because I took a job that paid pretty decent, and where my parents live is boring. After a little bit of transitioning, I got my little Jr 1 bedroom apartment on South Beach, which Samuel helped me move into. He seemed like he was cool with us just being friends. I had started *talking* to an old friend of mine, John, who lived in Orlando. I was good

Well, apparently Samuel was upset by the breakup. THAT was when he decided to start doing the things I wanted him to do when we were together. He bought me flowers. He sent me cards, wrote me letters (something he always said he would never do). I told him I appreciated it but sorry, we're not getting back together.

One day, he called me and for some reason an argument arose. I told him I didn't understand why we were having an argument, because we were not together. He started bringing up John, saying he "knew I was messing with this Orlando dude". I hung up with him and continued my errands. Well when I got back home I opened the door and the light was on. Funny, it wasn't on when I left. Would you know this negro was standing in my living room? I was like, "how did you get in here??" He wouldn't tell me, but then I saw a hand print on the kitchen window ( I lived on the first floor). This dude was in my apartment pleading with me, saying how he loved me, pictured me as his wife, mother of his future kids, blah blah. I just sat there with the most stoic of looks on my face. Then he started crying. Yes, Mr. Macho Dominican man. I never thought I would see the day. I must admit, I was a little proud of myself, because I was waiting for the day that he felt as bad as I had felt for so long.

Still I told him he was outright disrespectful to me for the majority of our relationship, now he was breaking into my apartment, and that he had to leave. He didn't want to leave. Finally I went to the bathroom, got ready for bed, turned out the lights, and climbed into bed, leaving him in the living room. That's when he left.

And THEN... He somehow found out where John lived (to this day I have no idea how he found out)...WENT TO ORLANDO (which is about 400 miles away, guys. erplexed), and took pics of John's car (and license plate) and apartment building (the sign for the apt complex, and the outside of the building John lives in), which he came to my apartment to show me. erplexed erplexed Proceeded to tell me that he saw John come out of the apartment with a girl and they went to the store (he followed them). The girl he described was really John's sister. I told him to leave and threatened a restraining order.

I told my parents and friends about the whole ordeal, just in case Samuel decided to jump out of a bush and shank me one day as I was coming out of my apartment. My father asked me for his number...called Samuel and ripped him a new one. (Yay Daddy!! ) Samuel later called me and apologized, saying he now knew I was serious since I told my parents.

(continued)

 

[Jade Feria]

So as you see, my issue is that I had a tendency to be Rules-y in the very beginning, but upon the establishment of a relationship, it was all out the window. With this guy in particular though, it wasn't just me being the "nice girl". Part of it really was that he was being selfish and an immature arsehole, as he later admitted. But still...had I implemented The Rules early on, I could have quickly filtered him out and alot of this could have been avoided.

After the whole ordeal, we remained semi-friends. I say semi because he would still try to get in on this and I had to reject him time and time again. We had a discussion once about relationships, and our old relationship in particular and how he went crazy in my apt. He said, "A guy knows that he got a girl wrapped around his finger when she gets all loud and emotional while she's breaking up with him. If she's cursing him out, he knows she'll be back. But yo....when she says 'aight ni**a' and just moves on and doesn't tell that ni**a ISH? Man, he's going crazy. That ish will kill a ni**a." So there you have it. Proof, ladies - straight from the horse's mouth - that men don't respond to words...they respond to no contact. And like I said, I got what he was saying when he said it, because we had gone through the situation, but I didn't really KNOW what he MEANT until I read The Rules and WMMB.

In the years after our relationship, I remained a straight up BTICH to him. I was so mean. Mean on my terms though, which means having an attitude with him here and there. LOL...my version of being a btich was quite tame. He never stopped trying to get back with me. I even changed my number (not because of him) and didn't give him the new number. He STILL FOUND ME!! Even as he is engaged to this other chick he was all up on my phone telling me that he's sorry he wasn't the man I wanted him to be and that I was the one that got away, and he wishes that he met me now that he is more mature instead. The dude was reminiscing about our past *ahem* intimate moments. I was like, "Where is your fiancee?" What's also funny yet very sad is that he kept denying that he was engaged until VERY VERY recently. I knew he was engaged from a long time ago, but he wouldn't admit to it. The whole time he kept calling his fiancee a btich and saying she was crazy. Then when he finally admitted he was engaged, he phrased it like it was brand new, saying that he "took a leap of faith" and he's "tired of being single and not getting any younger" so he decided to get engaged. He didn't tell me to whom either. I feel for his future wife. I wish a sucka would.

A similar situation was starting to develop with someone else and it led me to meditate and ask for some type of guidance in my relationships. The very next day, I stumbled upon (or rather I was guided, by the all knowing universal source, to) The Rules. And reading the book was literally life changing. It was like a 10,000 watt light bulb just clicked on. SO MUCH made sense from that point on. I'm so truly grateful for it. What's also funny, is that the day I was in the bookstore and decided to get The Rules, WMMB caught my eye. Amongst the million other books that were present. This LOA and synchronicity stuff is incredible!

I have no regrets, as I have learned alot from my experiences. I used to mope around and wonder, 'Why me?? I'm such a nice person,' and wonder why I was being treated the way I was...but NO MORE!!

 

[adi687]

Honestly, I haven't done any of the things that I told myself I was going to do and wanted to change.

I even let myself almost be fooled until I realized I was going all wrong about this. I've decided that before making commitments to myself about big changes and what not, I should think about what it is that I really want and who I am as a person.

I follow the progresses and it's really encouraging !

 

[Swanky]

Checking in...

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

WOW Jade! Just wow.... I loved your story. I know some parts of that were hard to recount (believe me), but it's good to finally just get it all out there and be done with it! It's cleansing and therapeutic.

I'm going to try to put little comments in black bold within your story. Hope this works! *crosses fingers*

So as I stated in the other thread, I'm going to post up the story about my relationship with my ex. My "Rules breaking" and "nice girl actions" will be in pink. It's long, so grab a cup of hot chocolate and sit back.

*names have been changed to protect the not-so-innocent!

So Samuel and I met on Valentines Day in 2003 on South Beach in Miami. He approached me. GREAT! This is how it should be. The guy should approach YOU!

I thought he was so charming and cute. He asked for my number and I gave it to him. He called me and we had great conversations. I wasn't doing the 4 minute rule, but they weren't hour-long convos either. So far this is excellent!! This is how it should be! Let the man do the work...preferably throughout the entire relationship, but especially at the beginning.

We would go out to places together -Good...no "chillin'" at the house all the time , enjoying each others' company, blah blah. I was light and breezy. The first time he came to my college apt, he tried to push up on me in THAT way, but I slowed him down. All excellent "Rulesy" actions!

Fast Forward about 4 months later, I asked him where he saw things going with us, and whether we were official or not. -UH-OH! This is where the trouble starts... He said we were. Great!

The nookie started. -Uhhhh ohhhh....

I kept initiating stuff to do, to which he said, "we're together all the time". I spent money on him. I let him use my car, and he got into two separate accidents for. Which I took the blame for when I went home to my parents. I bought him this really [REALLY] expensive watch that he wanted for Christmas, not expecting anything major from him in return *sigh* I'm sure you had the best intentions (what woman doesn't when she's buying things for her man??) But I really found it interesting that "The Rules" don't even want you giving a man a "THANK YOU" card! Even John Gray's "Mars/Vens on a Date" book states that a woman should view herself as the "prize" and that she really shouldn't be trying to repay a man back for his kindness/interest in her. Wow! I definitely messed up with that, because even though I never bought my guy friend (or ANY guy for that matter) anything expensive, I did give him 2 "Thank You" cards within six months of knowing him just to show my appreciation for nice things he did....bad mistake! I learned my lesson!

I told him he had to make a choice, and if it continued, I was going to break up with him. [ultimatum] I guess he didn't take me seriously. My birthday came and went, and I didn't see him, because he "didn't have gas in his car". -OH wow...see how men can do a "switcheroo" on you and get real nasty or lazy if they feel like they have things "in the bag" with you? So far it sounds like he was only after one thing and one thing only....

Throughout all this time, I had done things like send him long emails and write long letters 'expressing my feelings' [cringe at the thought now]. -Don't worry...I've been there done that too
I asked him why he refused to do things like give me cards and buy me flowers. Still no change from him.

Then finally, I broke up with him in the summer of 2005.

So I moved on.

I went back to Miami because I took a job that paid pretty decent, and where my parents live is boring.
Good for you!


Well, apparently Samuel was upset by the breakup. THAT was when he decided to start doing the things I wanted him to do when we were together. He bought me flowers. He sent me cards, wrote me letters (something he always said he would never do). I told him I appreciated it but sorry, we're not getting back together.
This is it ladies! Look at that! He had the capacity to do these things all along! Interesting isn't it??

Would you know this negro was standing in my living room? I was like, "how did you get in here??" He wouldn't tell me, but then I saw a hand print on the kitchen window ( I lived on the first floor). This dude was in my apartment pleading with me, saying how he loved me, pictured me as his wife, mother of his future kids, blah blah. I just sat there with the most stoic of looks on my face. Then he started crying. Yes, Mr. Macho Dominican man. I never thought I would see the day. I must admit, I was a little proud of myself, because I was waiting for the day that he felt as bad as I had felt for so long. -ROTFL!!! Whoo! I'm loving it!!



And THEN... He somehow found out where John lived (to this day I have no idea how he found out)...WENT TO ORLANDO (which is about 400 miles away, guys. erplexed), and took pics of John's car (and license plate) and apartment building (the sign for the apt complex, and the outside of the building John lives in), which he came to my apartment to show me. erplexed erplexed Proceeded to tell me that he saw John come out of the apartment with a girl and they went to the store (he followed them). The girl he described was really John's sister. I told him to leave and threatened a restraining order. -Wow...turning into a stalker now are we?? Hmm...funny, those are interesting actions he's taking seeing as how he's a guy who was once SO cheap that he couldn't even make your birthday party because he didn't have any "gas" in his car!

So there you have it. Proof, ladies - straight from the horse's mouth - that men don't respond to words...they respond to no contact. YEP! And like I said, I got what he was saying when he said it, because we had gone through the situation, but I didn't really KNOW what he MEANT until I read The Rules and WMMB.
m either. I feel for his future wife. I wish a sucka would.

I have no regrets, as I have learned alot from my experiences. I used to mope around and wonder, 'Why me?? I'm such a nice person,' and wonder why I was being treated the way I was...but NO MORE!! Exactly! No more wondering. Isn't it freeing?

Wow girl... that story was very enlightening and it turned out hilarious because you "fixed" him in the end! lol! Thank you for that. I needed that this morning. It just goes to show that men don't really listen to words, they listen to ACTIONS. Plain and simple.