erplexed
That's the whole point we need to let MEN be MEN and do the pursuing!
If some one is too EASY right off the bat.......a guy is going think that she does this with every guy.
He does not feel special!He will not think she is special!
Most of us women are such go-getters in out daily work/school life that we don't know how to tap into the feminine in our dating life. This is where the Rules comes in.
Why is he even approaching the subject this way?
If you two have not agreed to be 'exclusive' then it is not his mind who you may or may not date.
Leave him guessing.....it is none of his business. Why does he need assurance? Always let him know that you have "options".
Is he seeing any other girls?
The author of CITO was saying the same thing last night on the conference call: masculine energy wants to acquire something. Feminine energy wants to attract/magnetize something. Most of us women are such go-getters in out daily work/school life that we don't know how to tap into the feminine in our dating life. This is where the Rules comes in.
I completely agree. I don't even know where to begin, I agree so much! My responses to your quotes will be in purple. 
I agree with your response 100%! My responses in RED.
While I also appreciate these outlooks, I don't read too much into them. Men and women are different. It isn't fair but that's how it is. It isn't fair that as women we tend to be more emotional (hormones) and have a more nurturing nature while men seem to go through life so aloof and unconcerned. What it takes to "intrigue" a woman is not going to be the same as what it takes to "intrigue" a man. Raising a daughter is different from raising a son. You can't take the same approach because we respond differently.
AMEN AMEN!!HA!!! What I learned was that even though he may have been "impressed", my "showing off" for him or trying to PROVE that I was "great" or "worthy" didn't cause him to bring out his manly side and feel romantic feelings for me. I also learned that men have to be PHYSICALLY attracted to you first before they can become mentally & emotionally attracted to you. That's why (even though some girls may think it's silly) I say don't try to show a man how "tough" or competent you are in the beginning. Let him feel like a man by showing you how to do stuff (even if you already know how), and let him feel important. When you two have been dating a while, THEN you can show him bit by bit that you are more competent than he may have originally thought.
As women we are driven by security, men are driven by freedom. A good man will be a devoted partner as long as he feels like he still has his "freedom". That's why I expect a man to approach me. He has exercised his "freedom" to hunt me down, call me, initiate contact, say "hi" first. I am a much sweeter prize to him because he chose me, not the other way around. And to be honest, I am more into a guy who has approached me...I am flattered and secure, and as a result I become more into him. When I approach a guy I am not fully satisfied. I become more insecure in the relationship, "is he really into me? would we be together if I never initiated contact?"
YES yes yes!! OMG....I was sooo insecure when I was obsessed with my guy friend. Even though he would come to things that I invited him to (rule-breaker all the way!
This kills me. I have guys use this all the time. "I'd love for a woman to approach me. It shows she is strong, confident, and knows what she wants" Sure. These same men will turn around and chase the woman they really want for months. If a woman is strong, confident, and sure of herself, she knows that a man who is really feeling her will approach her, simple as that. Because she is confident, she isn't sweating any man, and if that guy in the coffee shop is too shy or disinterested to get off his *** and approach her, he's missed out...some other guy will catch her.
Right. I've learned just this past year NOT to believe everything a guy will tell you. My brother-in-law kept encouraging me to basically pursue my guy friend. Silly me, I believed him...I didn't know any better! I just knew that something didnt' feel right. Why was I on pins and needles?? Ugh... Now I know better.
EXACTLY! So many people get it all wrong! It's not about manipulation or dishonesty. Let's be honest for a second. Relationships, marriage, family is on a woman's mind so much more than men. It's within our DNA. We've been wired to find a mate and have babies. This is where we have our disconnect. It's easier for men to not think about relationships 24/7, it's easier for them to go days without speaking on the phone, etc... We just aren't wired the same.
That's so true.She's who I want to be when I grow up! lol* Anyway, even she said that men can disconnect the physical from the emotional, while we women cannot. That's why she said that men can like a girl for her physical looks only, spend time with her, flirt with her, even date her, but not be TRULY emotionally tied to her. Then she wonders why the guy can drop her like a hot potatoe the next minute someone "prettier" comes along. She said that women can't do that. We get too invested in our feelings, put ALL of our eggs in one basket, and basically don't just go with the flow. We're always thinking ahead, while men are thinking just in the moment.
Rules girls keep busy so that we can dedicate our time and passion to making ourselves happy and not being so caught up over men. We don't fall into the stereotype of being the girlfriend sitting at home waiting on her man to call while he's out watching the game with his boys. Instead we are also out with the girls, or volunteering, etc. When he calls, we keep the conversation short and get back to living our lives. He's intrigued because he has his freedom, but you're still on his mind. He goes back to watching the game, and when it's over all he can think about is how bad he wants to see you.
Again, I agree 100%! I once had a guy friend tell me not too long ago that a guy likes to "be on the fence" about a girl. Get this: He said that most guys don't just discount a girl just because she likes him. He said that even if a guy knows that a girl likes him, he doesn't mind it per se as long as she allows him to be "on the fence" about her. Doing this may eventually allow him to find within himself the necessary desire to pursue her. But the moment that she starts trying hard to make him her boyfriend, or starts trying to pull him off the fence in her direction, he will immediately draw back.
I found this to be so very interesting! So, it's not so much that a guy shouldn't know that we like him. I mean, it's not good to show all of your cards too soon anyway. BUT, I think it's more so the fact that when we make it obvious to the guy that we like them more than they like us, and are trying to push them to be our bf/more serious about us, then that becomes a turn-OFF to men, because then they weren't the ones to choose us. It basically EMASCULATES the man. And men love a woman that makes them feel like a MAN, and women like a man that makes them feel like a WOMAN.
They chase after EVERYTHING. Everything in a man's life is about the chase and competition. Heck, how did men manage to turn almost everything into some sort of sport? Competitive eating? Whenever faced with a challenge or competition he is intrigued. That goes for dating and women. Make it a sport and you'll have his attention.
Hahah!!This is SO true!! I always used to wonder why anytime some other guy was flirting with me, or showing me romantic attention, all of a sudden my guy friend would come out of nowhere marking his territory, getting all jealous, and pursuing me harder! Ha! Now I know why! Men THRIVE on the "chase"!
I've done this and of course it never ends well. Why was I even shocked that he didn't feel the same? My friends kept begging me to express my feelings. "He likes you, but he's afraid of rejection" or the classic "He likes you, but he's intimidated because he thinks you're too good for him " So I express them and I'm left with egg on my face. After years of embarrassment I finally learned, if he likes you...HE'LL APPROACH YOU! HE'LL ASK YOU OUT! HE'LL REVEAL HIS TRUE FEELINGS!
Awww....that's okay girl. We all live and learn.
I agree, if he likes you...he'll make it known SOMEHOW, even if it's in an immature way. He will let you know. You'll know/sense/feel SOMETHING. You'll hear it through the grapevine, he'll always be around you, you'll catch him staring at you, he'll eventually pursue you/ask you out in some slick way or find a way to spend more time with you. Either way, you WILL know.
I don't want a guy who doesn't think I'm enough of a prize to pursue me. If a man can work his *** off to win that Olympic gold medal, the Stanley Cup, a Super Bowl Ring, I'm sure he'll have no problem pursuing me in hopes that he'll catch someone who will make a loving and devoted partner.
That's right!
Come to find out, he didn't even end up staying throughout the whole service so I couldn't introduce myself anyway (not that I would!). But anyway, just today we were talking about it because apparently my sister's sister-in-law knows him, and wants to "get something started". My mom was still upset that I didn't go up to him!! 
I told her that if he were interested or SINGLE and available, he could have come up to ME! Yes, he was a catch though. Handsome, well-dressed, well-spoken, manly, and spiritual! 
BUT!! I'm still doing the "Rules". Whatever happens will happen. I'm not making it too easy on guys these days. I've learned my lesson. 
My mom actually wants me to ask him out to dinner!! HA!!! I almost laughed in her face! I gasped in shock/horror! Heck no! He's such a catch, he's probably already dating some girl anyway. Besides, with the way he looks, I'm sure many girls throw themselves at his feet. I'm sure he's not "shy", so if he wanted to pursue/approach me, he could have!
That's my story, and I'm sticking to it!!
*sigh* I really hope these "Rules" are worth it, because I'm letting some fine guys go by not approaching them...
).
*sigh* I really hope these "Rules" are worth it, because I'm letting some fine guys go by not approaching them...
Just this past Sunday, I went to church and there was this fiiiiiiine young handsome guy visiting. Of course, my mom wanted me to approach him and introduce myself.
My mom actually wants me to ask him out to dinner!! HA!!! I almost laughed in her face! I gasped in shock/horror! Heck no! He's such a catch, he's probably already dating some girl anyway. Besides, with the way he looks, I'm sure many girls throw themselves at his feet. I'm sure he's not "shy", so if he wanted to pursue/approach me, he could have!
That's my story, and I'm sticking to it!!
*sigh* I really hope these "Rules" are worth it, because I'm letting some fine guys go by not approaching them...
You know! And plus, I find that many of these so-called "shy" guys are usually the biggest players... shy my a--... they just like women being all over them and not having to do any work, that's all!
Oh and with that guy in Crystal's story... with him being a man in CHURCH (and I assume a black one), he probably thinks he's God's gift... and I'm sure too many women are all over him because he's a member of the rare "black man in church" tribe!
She did it right! I found it so interesting that the other girl he liked too was prettier than your friend, but since your friend didn't chase him or try hard to "keep him", he ended up going after your friend and marrying her instead in the end. I let him come to me now days...as well as any other guy. I now have seen waaay too many cases where women have poured their heart out to a guy, only to be left feeling hurt/disapointed when he doesn't exactly feel the same way. 
Girl B would have done better to just leave him alone, let him pursue/date Girl A, and continue on living her happy life. Who knows?? Later down the line if things ever split between my guy friend and Girl A, Girl B would have had more of a chance...because he WAS attracted to her, he just liked Girl A more! I have to agree with this. It's not so much that guys hate "nice girls", or that they want a woman who "hates" them. It's just that guys like to feel FREE. They want to know that you are with THEM because of something that he did. Not because you saw him, chose him first, pursued him, and got him to like you. Uh-uh. I am convinced more now than ever that MEN ARE NOT SHY. Don't fall for it ladies. He will find a way if he's interested. There seems to be a fine line, however, between encouraging his interest and outright breaking the Rules. This is where I need help.
I feel pressured... As far as letting fine men go, girl, think of the peace of mind you will have when a guy is pursuing you for for real. No guesswork involved! And I believe you can't let something go that wasn't yours or supposed to be yours to begin with.
Men are kinda simple. I believe that if there was ever a trace of interest in you there but you may have broken some of the Rules, there's always a chance for redemption (unless you really did something that would change a guy's opinion about you
I guess I can redeem myself in some way by doing "The Rules". 
But, now days I'm not even thinking about him too much anymore because I'm doing "The Rules" and plus he's dating some other girl right now (Girl A). So, I'm not even stressing over it. I'm not "making" things happen with him anymore. If he wants to FULLY pursue me with the hopes of a real romantic relationship one day, he will.
That's true. That's a good way to look at it. I know that there was, and might still be some traces of interest from my guy friend, because otherwise I dont' think he would even give me half the time of day!!
By that time however, it may be too late! He may find that I'm taken...
I promised myself to never again elevate a man to boyfriend status by thinking/obsessing about him without a commitment. 
....we chit-chatted and I nicely ended the conversation first like a rule's lady because he will be back
!
1. The "Rules" are about confidence, knowing that you control you, not Him. So, you don't "smack him on the hand" and yes it reflects back on him, however, I believe that in situations you descibed that there warning signs. "Rules" girls don't stick around long enough to find out he's cheating, cheating is a behavior and if I felt that he was cheating, the Rules girl in me would've continued to Rules in a "back up off" kind of way. Since "Rules"girls are not calling, seeing him 24/7, and are waiting for him to pursue, its only so much of pursuing or (non-pursuing depending on how you look at it) he can do if he's busy with other females.
2. @ the bolded. If a man wants to get to know you and likes you and sees your worth he is calling you, setting up dates, trying to get in your world. You allow him to by answering his calls (it doesn't say you can't answer, just that you should call 24/7-you can return calls), you can go on as many dates as your heart desires (provided he sets them up in advance and you aren't seeing him more than 1-2x a week the first month, after that up to 5 days). That to me is going to allow him to get to know me and develop feelings for me without breaking rules. What rules did you think would be broken?
IMO, the Rules are about developing confidence, and maintaining the self worth and keeping your head when in a relationship, not about setting boundaries and making sure you can remember 50-11 things not to do.
HTH
ETA: (ITA with Bunny above)
Did I mention how much I love this thread? I am being schooled and I love all the different perspective you ladies are providing.
It's like I'm a different person!! 
Ugh....I hate PMS...
It seems I get the loneliest around that "time". Do any of you ladies go through the same thing? Most of the time I'm happy being single, having fun, living my life, and going about my business. But when those hormones come...oy vey...
Tell me, why do I have the urge to call up guys and/or guy friends that I'm not even interested in??
*makes a mad-dash for "The Rules" book*
I could have written this post myself. 
This has not been my experience. Nearly all the men i've dated, "talked to", or had a relationship with, have been quick to attach, to say "I love you", to want to establish a relationship. Very quick off the trigger. I think I've only dated *2* detached men in 15 years. Maybe I'm just not programmed to even consider men who want to be pursued. But i also see it among my relatives and acquaintances as well - If and when a man meets a girl and sets his heart on her, that's it. So maybe that's the answer - either he's into her, or he's not. And if he is, then, yes, his emotions are just as involved.
. So with The Rules I got my confidence back, I was happier, more positive, busy, and everything was just good even if it wasn't where I exactly wanted to be.
Girl, they're worth it. I mean, as long as you are friendly and approachable and not deliberately avoiding these fine guys, then you're good.
Plus, I just think these ones that are "going by" aren't really ending up with anyone until they are darn ready to chase someone. So it's not like someone else is "snatching them up," as some of these bad advice gives insists happens if you don't "snatch him up" yourself.
.You "guys"...I'm so aggravated
Ok so you all know im doing the rules to get my confidence and dignity back basically and deep down inside i'm still in love with an ex boyfriend of mine and would love to be with him in the end. But if that just doesn't work out again I want to be able to be strong and basically say, "ok next!"
So i've been doing the rules for how long now? 2-3 weeks...
So this short amount of time that i've been doing the rules and following the advice in WMLB, it's been working with this practicular ex
My friend adviced me to write Don't Answer under my ex's name on my cell and I listened. So that was done and it was just there. I started to leave my phone on silent while I was busy so I wouldn't be tempted to answer my calls every second and hope it was him. It worked. Once I was done doing something I will go to my phone see his missed calls and text messages and then I will return his call which was probably a couple of hours after. I was proud of myself because I was doing so good.
I probably saw him 2-3x's out of the weeks I've bee doing the rules. When we met up he will hug me, say he misses me, and loves me, and it basically seemed like he was starting to pursue me more. I wasn't making calls to him unless I was returning them and I wasn't making plans.
Me, him, and his cousin from out of the country ended up going to the movies this weekend. Every thing was going pefect imo. In the end he asked to used my cell phone to call his house. When he hung up he saw that i said Don't Answer. I forgot all about it to the end! I was so mad. I felt like that just messed up my "game" and everything was going so fine! I feel like he's on to me and and is going to limit his calls now and stuff. Everytime things start to get good there's always something I say or do that makes me take a step back again imo...it's annoying.
But I'm enjoying not doing the chasing. 
