*Spinoff* "The Rules Challenge!--"Rules" girls get in here!

[Highly Favored8]

Ladies I have been in this challenge since day one of this thread but my heart has been so heavy and I haven't had the courage to post - until now.

Last week I just had to get away and I took a vacation. I journaled for hours at a time basically until my wrist became sore from writing. I see a pattern in my life that has to come to an end in regard to relationships. I have always been the good/nice girl. Shy, quiet and reserved. Haven't had too many boyfriends but I notice that I am the girl that guys have no problem walking away from. And the sad part is that I take them back after being mistreated. I have endured so much emotional and verbal abuse more than anything else but I think my last relationship was my reality check. I can't take this anymore. Heartache doesn't feel good and things have GOT to change.

This may be long but I am hurting and gotta let go. I met a guy back in 06 and though he was "the one". I can't even tell you why I felt that way??? Our first conversation was so lame. He was really getting on my nerves and dodged the question of "are you married?". Eventually I asked him again about being married and then all of a sudden I hear this weeping sound? I am thinking "dude is crying??" Ya'll he goes from weeping to sobbing in 60 seconds. His wife had died about 9 months prior to me meeting him. That was my first warning - Do not get involved with a man that is grieving over the loss of his wife! But I had lost my mom a 1 - 1/2 prior so I understood lossing someone that you loved. Looking back I think I felt more sorry for him than I actually liked him. I knew what it was like to lose someone and I wanted to be his support system.

To make a long story short - I made a fool of myself and that is the part that hurts the most. I called this guy constantly trying to check on him. I went into mother mode instead of just being a friend. He wouldn't return my calls until HE felt like it and would set dates but never came thru. I was always on his time and basically he would string me along as he pleased. He would tell me that he didn't want a relationship but he's also telling me how beautiful I am (which is true) and how he wants us to be together one day. He's talking out of both sides of his mouth and I felt so vulnerable because I was starting to like him. We had absolutely nothing in common - NOTHING! He was so boring .

Now I have to be honest - it wasn't all his fault. I made so bad mistakes when my gut and heart was telling me not to do it. I knew it was wrong to keep calling this man. I knew it was wrong to take him out to dinner for his birthday when he showed no genuine interest in me. I knew it was wrong to sleep with him after 6 months because there was no committment on his end. The more and more I tried to show him I cared, the more he rejected me. Rejection can lead to Obsession and that was the case for me. I went into overdrive trying to prove myself to a man that never took the chance to prove himself to me. I am so embarrassed to say that I would call this man and leave HORRIBLE phone messages - I was hurt because he wasn't returning my calls. I wanted him to hurt the way I hurted but I now see how immature I was. We would curse each other out! Just very disrespectful to each other. As time went on over the course of 2 years he became better about calling, hanging out and I began to mature and handled myself differently. But I think I laid the foundation in his mind that I was a doormat, desperate and needy and he could treat me as he pleased. After 3 yrs of losing his wife I don't think he is grieving anymore, I simply thinks he wants to be free and date other women. I guess I was the rebound chick.

I haven't heard from him since 9/20. I called to see what he was up to and he was at his youngest brothers wedding where he was the best man. I can't explain the emotions that I felt. I started to think about how we have known each other for 2 yrs yet I didn't even know his brother was getting married. As a matter of fact, we haven't met each others relatives. He has no interest in my life and doesn't include me in his. My heart became so heavy that night and I cried and cried. I couldn't take the rejection anymore. I had done everything to show him I cared and nothing worked. It was time to let go. Well that night he said that he would call me back and of course he hasn't. See I am the one that always breaks the silence - not this time. He will be waiting until doomsday if I have to make the call. I always make excuses for his actions - not this time. :realitycheck: HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO ME - MOVE ON GIRL!

I can't make him out to be a monster because he's not. He's very smart, funny and good-looking. He's actually very corny. I guess he just was not that into me and when I think about it - I'm just not that into him either. I had this fantasy relationship going on in my mind instead of looking at my reality. I have always had a copy of WMLB. I bough the book back in 06 and my perception at that time was that I had to being this super B that didn't take any mess. Now I see that it's truly about confidence and loving yourself - two things that I have never been able to do. I always put men first and my feelings last. I am always trying to be the bigger person and that sh*t just ain't fair to me. I am tired of feeling like a doormat and like my feelings don't matter. I deserve to be loved and treated with respected. I am tired of being disrespected but a change must first take place in ME.

So ladies I have done everything that you guys have done. Called the guy, cooked fabulous meals, sex'd him up so good that it put his @ss to sleep and still I'm the girl that is nice but not nice enough to be with. First, I want to spent time with NaTasha. I want to love and adore her. Find out her wants and needs and then take it from there. I know that no relationship is perfect but I'll be damn'd if I go thru this sh*t again! Naw next time will be different - I love ME this time which is something that I have never felt before.

***I know this was long and I have never typed this much since I joined this board *** Thanks Ladies!!!

First of all NaTasha (((((((((HUGS)))))))))) to you. We all live and have to learn in this life. Now that we all are learning for our MISTAKES! It is all about taking Responsiblity and Accountablity for our Actions. That is what I think we are all learning her in this short amount of time since doing "The Rules"

Now that we are starting to know about our selves we are all going to Set the Standards of what we want and no longer have to compromise to some of these Knuckle Heads Some men take our own power and goodness to maninpluate us and the situation or realtionship at hand. However, when YOU/ WE set our Standards Higher these men can take it or leave it. I am so glad you shared your story I love it. I can see us all A Year from Now that is all it takes! WOW what a difference a Year will make if we all stick to "The Rules"

 

[Highly Favored8]

This thread is a spinoff to RedRiot's previous post. Some of us ladies are sick and tired of pursuing/chasing guys, only to have him run away, get scared, act lukewarm, or dump us.

That's why this thread is dedicated to experimenting with "The Rules"! What are "The Rules" you ask? "The Rules" is a book by authors Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider, who advocate NOT chasing/pursuing a man in hopes of getting him to like you, start a relationship with you, or convincing him to marry you. Basically, the bottom line goal is to allow men to chase YOU! http://www.amazon.com/All-Rules-Time-tested-Secrets-Capturing/dp/0446618799/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1223318064&sr=1-1

Afterall, if you "chase" a man, all he can do is run away from you. But if you don't chase him, then he is left to chase you.

This isn't about playing games, but more so about knowing your own self-worth and realizing that you as a woman DESERVE to be pursued!

So...who's willing to get on "The Rules" challenge with me? Who's at least willing to try it out? I used to think this book was pure rubbish, until I realized that what I was doing (ie. calling guys, texting guys, inviting guys to hang out, treating guys like my friends, giving guys cards, making it "easy" for a guy to pursue me, etc.) wasn't working. So, that's why I'm trying "The Rules".

In order to know "the rules" well, you really should get the book. But for those of you who haven't bought the book yet, here are some simple things to try out:

-Don't call men (unless it's in response to their call)
-Don't chase a man (let him pursue you!)
-Don't initiate conversations/dates with a man (let him notice you!)
-Don't accept last-minute dates (you DO have a life!)
-Don't make it too easy for him, but don't make it impossible either (he should feel like you have other options, and that he is privileged to be able to steal you away from YOUR busy schedule just to take you out)

Remember: YOU are the prize! Not him!

I'm telling you, I've been doing "the Rules" for just about 2-3 weeks now, and already I feel very empowered. Some women may scoff at the rules and say that it's game-playing/it's anti-feminist or whatever. But I'm telling you, for the first time in 2 years I feel like I have my self confidence back!

So, what do you say ladies?? Who's with me?

Why this thread cannot be a sticky?

 

[**Tasha*Love**]

Thank you Highly Favored. I needed that this morning. I have made out a List of Standard that I will follow, no - if, ands, or buts about it!

First of all NaTasha (((((((((HUGS)))))))))) to you. We all live and have to learn in this life. Now that we all are learning for our MISTAKES! It is all about taking Responsiblity and Accountablity for our Actions. That is what I think we are all learning her in this short amount of time since doing "The Rules"

Now that we are starting to know about our selves we are all going to Set the Standards of what we want and no longer have to compromise to some of these Knuckle Heads Some men take our own power and goodness to maninpluate us and the situation or realtionship at hand. However, when YOU/ WE set our Standards Higher these men can take it or leave it. I am so glad you shared your story I love it. I can see us all A Year from Now that is all it takes! WOW what a difference a Year will make if we all stick to "The Rules"

 

[*5+5]

Thanks for sharing your story Natasha...unfortunately you are not alone b/c a lot of women have been where you were, even I have been down that path of destruction before. Working on you and loving yourself more will empower you to always be treated as equally as Natasha would treat Natasha or better!

 

[AnjelLuvs]

Ladies, I have officially started this challenge Monday, and boy has it been hard... It feels like I have to start with a clean slate. Because doing it with guys that I was talking to in weeks past have me defaulting... Like trying to end call first, not answering every call... then not giving in depth answers of whereabouts...

I feel like I am always at a lose for words, or I have to over explain myself... I need to get my blog up STAT...

for example... this guy I have been casually talking to, calls me and is like whoa you are hard to get in contact with... What have you been up too? generally, if I haven't don't anything I am at a los for words.... or if I have been doing things, I will blurt out everything done in schedule..... Its like I need to figure out that happy medium...

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

Wow...this thread has become so encouraging and inspiring to us as women! Keep up the good work ladies! Sometimes it really is good to let those hurt feelings out. It also helps to share with others what you're going through/what you have gone through, so that other fellow women won't make the same mistakes.

Now on to acknowledge some posts...

I've experience all those those that you've bolded. I have shed many tears of embarassment and shame because I was always the pursuer. I'm a go-getter in life, and I approached all potential relationships in the same manner. Not a smart idea.

Yep... I had to learn this the hard way too MJ. I honestly don't know what came over me with my guy friend Jason. I don't know if I had temporary dementia or what!! LOL! Because I honestly never really was the type to "chase guys". In fact, it would usually be guys chasing after me, but I wasn't interested. I guess I was so sick and tired of dealing with guys who I wasn't really all that interested in after me, that when I sensed that Jason was attracted I kind of jumped the gun. His calm, cool, demeanor also drove me crazy!! lol* It really is true that when someone is more laid back/relaxed in the "relationship", the other person has the desire to chase!

I'm not really a "go-getter" in my life (at least not career-wise really), but I grew up basically with a single mom who IS a "go-getter", and so I think I developed part of my "make things happen" persona from her. I quickly came to find however that although that "go-getter" mentality may work in school, or the work-field, it does NOT work with men/relationships. It's almost like we women have to be two different people! "Go-getters" at work, but "rules girls" in relationships. "Rules Girls" don't MAKE things happen. If you have to "make" something happen with a guy, then maybe it wasn't really meant to be. It's a tough (and sad!) pill to swallow, but sometimes that's how life is.

Now, over the past two years, through experience, observation, and reading and listening to stories like the ones you've posted, I've learned the truth: Men like to chase their partner. They want to "kill and drag it home."

Yep. So so true. Men really do like to be the "hunter". I've been looking at some older classic movies (black & white films), and even some more modern Jane Austen type period piece films (ie. "Sense and Sensibility", "Pride & Prejudice", etc.), and in almost every single film I've seen so far, I've noticed that when the women chased the man, the man didn't end up falling in love with her. But when the girl didn't chase the man, or couldn't even stand his guts, he ended up being head over heels in love with her and chasing her to no end!!

I'm serious... I'm telling you ladies....those women back then knew how to do the do!! You didn't see women back then chasing after men, slipping men love notes, asking men: "please write me sometime!", etc. Haha..you get the point. I don't know if anyone has seen the movie "Sense & Sensibility" with Kate Winslet and Emma Thompson, but I was just watching this movie the other day, and I noticed that when Kate's character chased after that guy Whiloughby (writing him love letters, inquiring about him, etc.) he ended up not pursuing anything further with her!! But when Kate's character treated the other guy Colonel Brandon (the one that Kate's character couldn't stand) and treated him like she couldn't care less about him, he continued pursuing her for a VERY long time, and eventually married her! Hahah...sorry if all this movie-talk is kind of OT, I'm a movie-buff. It's just so weird to see "The Rules" played out even in MOVIES!! Now days I'm going to start watching more movies and see whether or not the "Rules" are true in films.

ETA: Guys always tell me that I'm "a nice girl." That's not always a good thing. It didn't stop them from walking all over me, or stop me from letting them from do it. Why, because I was a nice girl, and nice girls play "fair." What crock.

Aww...I hope you don't get the wrong idea MJ. IMO there's nothing wrong with being a "nice girl" in the true sense of the word. It's only when we become TOO nice, and put our own needs last that we become what guys call a "nice girl". Most guys don't want to know that a girl cares more about him than she even does about herself! Think: "I am NUMERO UNO!" It shows that you have self-respect, and that's always a good thing. But in all honesty, there's nothing wrong with being nice. Just don't be a door-mat, or a girl who's only "nice" to guys because she fears they won't like her any other way. <-----I'm still struggling with this, because I was brought up to always be "nice", and so I fear that if I'm NOT nice, or if I'm more "fiesty", that guys will get turned off and won't like me. It's really ironic though, because I tend to be more on the somewhat witty/fiesty side anyway!

wow, I read your whole story. I'm sad to say i did some of these things with guys I liked in the past. I too discovered the RULES and WMLB 2 years ago. It's been a TOTALLY different story since. Never underestimate the power of the chase, Ladies.

Thanks! I'm so glad that my story was an eye-opener for some of you ladies!

Good morning ladies,

Anyway, I have been so ashmamed and embarrased, so I never post, never "air my dirty laundry" about what has been a most distressing and painful last three years of my life with my current SO, who I am now in the process of disconnecting from.

Long story but here goes:

Wow...Dkbeauti...I am at a loss for words!!!

Please, don't be at all ashamed at what you wrote. It's good to get things like this out. I'm sure someone reading your story will be inspired and encouraged, even if they don't post on this thread.

Also, don't worry about the mistakes you made in the past. When we women fall in love, we fall HARD! We can unknowingly make a man our whole world without even realizing it. We want sooo badly to believe him. We've all made mistakes in love. No biggie. Just reading your story makes me think that this guy is in it all for himself. I see you sacrificing a lot of you (your energy, your time, etc.), and I see him getting a lot FROM you (your advice, your support and encouragement, sex, back massages, home-cooked fabulous meals, etc.), but what I don't see is what YOU are getting/benefitting from this relationship. I think it's a good idea to do the "Rules" and take care of yourself while your guy the "engager" gets his thoughts/actions straight. I dont' think he's a bad man, but some men just like to be a tumble-weed (as this guy seems to be). For him to even want a serious relationship, or a marital relationship, he needs to be STABLE and grounded physically first. He needs to figure out why he feels comfortable living a nomadic life-style. A lot of times we think that if we marry someone he will change. NOPE! He'll be the same way. Most men don't change, so if he's traveling a lot now while you two are dating, then there's no guarantee that he won't be doing the same thing if/when you two get married.

So, just do "The Rules" girl! Go head with your bad self and getting your master's degree! Kudos to you!

There is a "The Rules II"...about to call Borders to see if they have it so I can pick it up today...

Yep! I recommend "All the Rules" (which is both "The Rules" and "The Rules II") all in one book. The "Rules II" Is a great book as well. It clarifys some things in the original book "The RUles", as well as touches on certain topics such as:

-Turning a guy friend into a boyfriend
-"The Rules" for married women
-"The Rules" for online dating, long-distance relationships, and office dating
-"The Rules" for more "mature women" (women who are maybe past age 40)

You ladies are STRONG... making the dudes I have dealt with seem like child's play...

You know??? I'm sitting here dumbfounded like: "whoaaaaaa....guess I better stop complaining..." It's a learning experience I tell you! It's helping me to recognize red-flags. Thanks ladies! This thread is totally a learning experience.

I'm off to read more posts!

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

I will post my story why I am in this Challenge and still working at it for a week now.
@Means Name Changed


My ex fiance started to get verbally and physically abusive I was like WTH I mean it got really bad I will spare the details.

He almost burned my face with a iron in front of my son for God sakes.
He would accuse me of things that I would have never done to him.

He would put me down and I was laid off in June of 2008 from a job of 10 years. This joker kicked me when I was so low in my life! Now, I will tell you this it has been 3 months 90 days this is what happened.

OMG!!! Wow...HighlyFavored...thanks so much for sharing your story. We are all in this Rules Challenge together. I can't even believe the stuff I read that I bolded above. OMG! It's so interesting how our minds can be so clouded when we're "in love" that we will put up with almost anything a guy does (verbal abuse, physical abuse, being used, etc.). But I'm glad now that the bubble/dark cloud has been broken. You seem to be doing very well now.

Now after 90 days of me and my ex fiance

I lost 40 pounds and counting.
My life is moving forward.
My realtionship with God is stronger.
My gray hair is appearing less and less.

That's excellent! Do you feel a LOT better now?

My ex fiance sees me now and guess what?
He is in full sorrow for what he has lost.
He used the power of his words negative against me. It is called sowing and reaping brother.
I forgive him now however, I moved on with my life.

Good for you.

Ladies I have been in this challenge since day one of this thread but my heart has been so heavy and I haven't had the courage to post - until now.

Thanks so much for posting your experience Natasha. I am speechless....

To make a long story short - I made a fool of myself and that is the part that hurts the most. I called this guy constantly trying to check on him. I went into mother mode instead of just being a friend. He wouldn't return my calls until HE felt like it and would set dates but never came thru.

Yep!! I did the same thing even w/my guy friend Jason. It's almost like I tried to be a mother to him. But he never let me "mother" him. I don't think he wanted me to. I was doing things for him I'd never done for any guy before! LOL!

I was always on his time and basically he would string me along as he pleased. He would tell me that he didn't want a relationship but he's also telling me how beautiful I am (which is true) and how he wants us to be together one day. He's talking out of both sides of his mouth and I felt so vulnerable because I was starting to like him.

If there's one thing I've learned it's this: Ladies...if a man is telling you that he doesn't want a relationship, he REALLY does mean that he does not want a relationship with you. There's no beating around the bush, looking for hints/signs. A man who really wanted to be with a woman wouldn't be telling her that he's "too good for her", or that "he doesn't want a relationship right now".

Rejection can lead to Obsession and that was the case for me. I went into overdrive trying to prove myself to a man that never took the chance to prove himself to me.

Haha!! Girl...you have never lied! Who are you telling?? Girl, I've bought sooo many books on relationships and how men think due to this ordeal I went through w/my guy friend. I now see that I only really needed ONE book: "The Rules"! I've wasted so much money on books trying to get into his head, obsessed with how he felt about me, or what he was thinking, etc. I have so many books I could start up my own personal Barnes & Noble Book store!

But I think I laid the foundation in his mind that I was a doormat, desperate and needy and he could treat me as he pleased. After 3 yrs of losing his wife I don't think he is grieving anymore, I simply thinks he wants to be free and date other women. I guess I was the rebound chick.

Well, not quite... If there's one thing I've learned about men, it's that they have a very short-memory. Even one my guy friends said most guys will forget how you've acted in the past as long as you're consistently the same with your "new personality" in the future. I've learned this to be the case with even my guy friend. Now that I have more self-dignity and have pulled the "switcheroo" on him with increased self-esteem and self-respect, he doesn't know how to act around me anymore! Guys are dumb... LOL* As long as you NOW stand up for yourself and don't take any trash, the guys will notice and will almost forget how you used to be.

See I am the one that always breaks the silence - not this time. He will be waiting until doomsday if I have to make the call. I always make excuses for his actions - not this time. :realitycheck: HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO ME - MOVE ON GIRL!

Exactly! Let him do some of the work sometime!!

I have always had a copy of WMLB. I bough the book back in 06 and my perception at that time was that I had to being this super B that didn't take any mess. Now I see that it's truly about confidence and loving yourself - two things that I have never been able to do. I always put men first and my feelings last. I am always trying to be the bigger person and that sh*t just ain't fair to me. I am tired of feeling like a doormat and like my feelings don't matter. I deserve to be loved and treated with respected. I am tired of being disrespected but a change must first take place in ME.

Haha!! Girl...me too! I read that book and felt like I had to be this no-nonsense, MEAN, chip-on-her-shoulder type girl. But now I see that I can still be nice, sweet, flirty and feminine, but also take no crap from a guy.

 

[aribell]

Well, not quite... If there's one thing I've learned about men, it's that they have a very short-memory. Even one my guy friends said most guys will forget how you've acted in the past as long as you're consistently the same with your "new personality" in the future. I've learned this to be the case with even my guy friend. Now that I have more self-dignity and have pulled the "switcheroo" on him with increased self-esteem and self-respect, he doesn't know how to act around me anymore! Guys are dumb... LOL* As long as you NOW stand up for yourself and don't take any trash, the guys will notice and will almost forget how you used to be.

I really agree with this. Just like a man can be head over heels in love one minute and decide she's not the one the next, they can just as soon go from being only mildly interested to head over heels infatuated. It's great that if women have messed up they can turn around and basically say, "Do-over!" since the guy is really only concerned with what's going on in the present.

 

[CurliDiva]

Instead of sharing all the details of my last relationship, I thought I would just list some of the situations where I lost my relationship MOJO:

When he originally told me he was “divorced”, but later changed it they were “separated"….. I played NICE!

When he keep talking about “when” he got married again how his next wife would have to do A, B and C…….I played NICE!

When he kept saying that he was a FREAK, yet he was very tame and predictable ………I played NICE!

When he never introduced me to family or friends except the one guy who was with him when we first meet up……I played nice!

When he was upset that his “ex-wife” did not invite him to her birthday party…….I played NICE!

When he never made it to my cookout because he was busy attending a friends’ party…..I played NICE!

When he spent his birthday night having dinner with a male friend and his wife, and asked to re-schedule my reservations to take him out (did I mention that I was not invited to this 3-person meal by the way)……I played NICE!

When he seemed to keep declining my offers to travel together, but said we would do it later after he got his money right…… I played NICE!

When he did not even ask me how I was doing on Mother’s Day when he knew I had lost my mother; yet I bought him a father’s day present because he complained that his ex would probably do nothing for him……. I played NICE!

When he had not helped me around my house after saying he would, yet spent time installing his AC unit that he lent a female neighbor borrow and told me she told him to tell me "thank you" becaue it made him late for our date......I played NICE!

When he complained about being too broke to buy a car after his died because he was paying for the "ex" (correction seperated) wife's truck.......I played NICE!

When he finally emailed me after going MIA and ignoring my calls; only to talk about himself and never asked how I was doing……..I finally WOKE UP!

THE END!erplexed

 

[Highly Favored8]

That's excellent! Do you feel a LOT better now?
Yes, I feel so much better now. =)

 

[Highly Favored8]

Instead of sharing all the details of my last relationship, I thought I would just list some of the situations where I lost my relationship MOJO:

When he originally told me he was “divorced”, but later changed it they were “separated"….. I played NICE!

When he keep talking about “when” he got married again how his next wife would have to do A, B and C…….I played NICE!

When he kept saying that he was a FREAK, yet he was very tame and predictable ………I played NICE!

When he never introduced me to family or friends except the one guy who was with him when we first meet up……I played nice!

When he was upset that his “ex-wife” did not invite him to her birthday party…….I played NICE!

When he never made it to my cookout because he was busy attending a friends’ party…..I played NICE!

When he spent his birthday night having dinner with a male friend and his wife, and asked to re-schedule my reservations to take him out (did I mention that I was not invited to this 3-person meal by the way)……I played NICE!

When he seemed to keep declining my offers to travel together, but said we would do it later after he got his money right…… I played NICE!

When he did not even ask me how I was doing on Mother’s Day when he knew I had lost my mother; yet I bought him a father’s day present because he complained that his ex would probably do nothing for him……. I played NICE!

When he had not helped me around my house after saying he would, yet spent time installing his AC unit that he let a female neighbor borrow and told me she told him to tell me "thank you" becaue it made him late for our date......I played NICE!

When he complained about being too broke to buy a car after his died because he was paying for the "ex" (correction seperated) wife's truck.......I played NICE!

When he finally emailed me after going MIA and ignoring my calls; only to talk about himself and never asked how I was doing……..I finally WOKE UP!

THE END!erplexed

WOW (((((HUGS)))))) to you your story is very powerful in how some men really take advantage of our good nature. You what is so sad? That when they really start seeking you out and you are doing all better by yourself or with some one new that is when these knuckle heads want to act like they own the spot. I get get so mad at some of these dead beats. However, you learned from this lesson and can spot this JOKER or another one like him in a very short radius. WOW, I am so happy we are doing "The Rules" Challenge. Doing Better is the best Revenge!

 

[Belle Du Jour]

Yep. So so true. Men really do like to be the "hunter". I've been looking at some older classic movies (black & white films), and even some more modern Jane Austen type period piece films (ie. "Sense and Sensibility", "Pride & Prejudice", etc.), and in almost every single film I've seen so far, I've noticed that when the women chased the man, the man didn't end up falling in love with her. But when the girl didn't chase the man, or couldn't even stand his guts, he ended up being head over heels in love with her and chasing her to no end!!

I'm serious... I'm telling you ladies....those women back then knew how to do the do!! You didn't see women back then chasing after men, slipping men love notes, asking men: "please write me sometime!", etc. Haha..you get the point. I don't know if anyone has seen the movie "Sense & Sensibility" with Kate Winslet and Emma Thompson, but I was just watching this movie the other day, and I noticed that when Kate's character chased after that guy Whiloughby (writing him love letters, inquiring about him, etc.) he ended up not pursuing anything further with her!! But when Kate's character treated the other guy Colonel Brandon (the one that Kate's character couldn't stand) and treated him like she couldn't care less about him, he continued pursuing her for a VERY long time, and eventually married her! Hahah...sorry if all this movie-talk is kind of OT, I'm a movie-buff. It's just so weird to see "The Rules" played out even in MOVIES!! Now days I'm going to start watching more movies and see whether or not the "Rules" are true in films.

I LOVE old movies and Jane Austen in particular! I always say, I'm looking for a Mr. Darcy! (Colonel Brandon had it going on too ) Man, those were the days. It's hard when you have friends telling you to "step into 2008" and "wake up" and "go for what you want." That kind of advice has never sit well with me. While I can't say that I've really doggedly pursued anyone, I've had my share of moments where I've sent e-mails "just to see how he is" or held on a little too long hoping he'd come around. Young and dumb I suppose. Why oh why did women ever stop demanding a certain level of behavior from men?

 

[MJ]

The more and more I tried to show him I cared, the more he rejected me. Rejection can lead to Obsession and that was the case for me. I went into overdrive trying to prove myself to a man that never took the chance to prove himself to me. I am so embarrassed to say that I would call this man and leave HORRIBLE phone messages - I was hurt because he wasn't returning my calls. I wanted him to hurt the way I hurted but I now see how immature I was.

... My heart became so heavy that night and I cried and cried. I couldn't take the rejection anymore. I had done everything to show him I cared and nothing worked. It was time to let go. Well that night he said that he would call me back and of course he hasn't. See I am the one that always breaks the silence....

You're the first person to clearly define how I feel when I'm rejected. It started with my father when I was nine, and I recreated and relived that experience with other males for the next 18 years!

Thank you for sharing your story. You're helping me to understand, let go, and heal. Thank you all ladies.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

Hi my fellow "Rules Girls".

Guess what, I was doing a search on the site, and came across this interesting thread! It was a thread started about two years ago entitled: "Do You Approach Men?".

Boy I wish I had read this thread just 2 years ago!! Very very interesting read I tell ya. :scratchch

Oh well...you live and you learn!

I've been doing "The Rules" for about 3 weeks now, and so far so good!

I have some "Rules" Updates! The "Rules" principles will be in bold purple.



Experience 1:
Interesting little thing that happened w/my guy friend Jason just this past weekend in fact... (For those of you that don't know, "Jason" is the guy friend I made the mistake of chasing/pursuing for the past year and a half. )

Anyway... So, on Sunday afternoon my girlfriend and I had just gone to the movies with some mutual friends of ours, and of course Jason was there (*insert eye-roll here* ), but I played it cool. When he came up to our group at the theater I didn't go over to greet him or anything. I didn't even look his way. lol* I just kept talking to one of my girlfriends. The OLD Me would have acknowleged him or would have said hello first, but not this time! This time I just acted engrossed in my conversation with someone else.

Well, low and behold Jason came over to us and acknowleged ME first! (I'm telling you ladies, the "Rules" make you feel all warm and cozy inside! lol!) We chatted for a little bit. We all went into the theater, I didn't try to sit near/next to Jason or any of the other guy friends of mine who were there. I just sat next to my girlfriend. After the movie, my girlfriend and I had already planned that the two of us were going to go hit the mall to go do some light shopping for some fall/winter clothes. Well, while we were all talking outside of the theater, Jason comes up to me and asks: "Hey Crystal...do you have anything planned later on today??" Usually the OLD Me would have gotten weak in the knees and would have said: "No". Ha! Not this time! This time I had to catch myself...I almost said: "no, nothing much why?" But I caught myself and said: "Oh, well actually Lisa & I are planning to go to the mall, so I already have some plans this afternoon."

Do you know that this joker went over to my friend Lisa and asked her if he could come along?? Of course she says yes.... Meanwhile I want to ask him so bad: "Where on earth is your girlfriend/gal-pal??" Ugh...don't even get me started!

But, you know what? In the past him pulling this little stunt would have made me furious...I would be so bitter thinking that he was just playing games w/me or whatever. But now that I'm a "Rules girl", I just take things in stride. I didn't even blink an eyelash. I really don't care what game he's playing because I've started moving on from him anyway. He ended up coming with us to the mall. At one point my friend got out of the car to go into the gas station and we were alone in the car. The OLD Me would have tried to make conversation with him, ask him how he was doing, etc. Not this time! I stayed quiet. Do you know that now HE was the one scrambling his brain trying to think of something to say/talk to me about?? He asked me what I did the night before, and I was SOOOO happy I could tell him that I went out to dinner with some friends. LOL! He kept asking me questions, but I was just brief, to the point, while at the same time being cordial.

Let me tell you ladies...I know it's a small thing, but I felt so empowered that day. I have come a long way. Those "Rules" are no joke! Now days I'm not "working hard" for ANY man! If he wants me, he can come and get me!


Experience 2:
After church on Sunday, my mom decided to invite some people over that evening for a nice little dinner party. I had my friend Lisa with me, so I invited her. Well, my mom took it upon herself (this was not MY doing in other words... )to invite this nice-looking young guy that goes to my church over that night as well. He said he told her he would come! After services, I didn't go talk to him first. In fact, I tried to remain busy walking around talking to other friends of mine. Well, he eventually came up and we exchanged hellos. We're sort of friends, but not really close. Well, anyway...I'm SO glad that I did not call him up to remind him about the dinner thing over our house, and I'm SO glad that I did NOT get my hopes up thinking he would come (I would have done this in the past), because guess what?? He NEVER showed up! Oh well! He's just not THAT interested! Oh well...NEXT!!! I realize the signs now. Because if a guy is REALLY interested, he will JUMP at the chance to spend time with you...EVEN if he's invited by your mother.


Wow, it's only been 3 weeks (almost 4) for me doing "The Rules" and I already feel sooo empowered! Almost like it's a new me! I'm no longer sad/depressed because my guy friend Jason doesn't like me as much as I like him. Puh-leeze! Not anymore! I'm just living my life and having fun. No more worrying, no more obssessing, no more trying. I'm just sitting back, relaxing, and letting the guys do the work for a change. Just a couple of weekends ago I was invited to a party by a girl friend of mine, and I had an opportunity to do the Rules. It's getting to the point now where I'm actually looking forward to being invited to stuff just so I can try out "The Rules"!!

 

[**Tasha*Love**]

Really Crystalicequeen? I never had anyone to tell me that...well next guy will most definitely see the "new" me. That is why I love this board so much. I was so shy and embarassed to tell my situation but I just wanted to let it ALL out. I am so glad that I did, thanks for starting this thread!

Well, not quite... If there's one thing I've learned about men, it's that they have a very short-memory. Even one my guy friends said most guys will forget how you've acted in the past as long as you're consistently the same with your "new personality" in the future. I've learned this to be the case with even my guy friend. Now that I have more self-dignity and have pulled the "switcheroo" on him with increased self-esteem and self-respect, he doesn't know how to act around me anymore! Guys are dumb... LOL* As long as you NOW stand up for yourself and don't take any trash, the guys will notice and will almost forget how you used to be.

 

[**Tasha*Love**]

Thanks for confirming that Nicola!

I really agree with this. Just like a man can be head over heels in love one minute and decide she's not the one the next, they can just as soon go from being only mildly interested to head over heels infatuated. It's great that if women have messed up they can turn around and basically say, "Do-over!" since the guy is really only concerned with what's going on in the present.

 

[**Tasha*Love**]

I have had each one of these happen to me with my daughters father (another rough relationship). The Mothers Day part really did me in! I couldn't deal with him after that. And I got him something for Fathers day too! We live and learn CurliDiva, the RULES will most definitely be used with my next relationship!

When he originally told me he was “divorced”, but later changed it they were “separated"….. I played NICE
When he keep talking about “when” he got married again how his next wife would have to do A, B and C…….I played NICE
When he did not even ask me how I was doing on Mother’s Day when he knew I had lost my mother; yet I bought him a father’s day present because he complained that his ex would probably do nothing for him……. I played NICE!

 

[**Tasha*Love**]

You are more than welcome MJ. I was so afraid of what everyone will think of me after reading my story but I am glad that you and others can relate. At least you know where the pain comes from and can start the healing process. The relationship with my father is another story in itself but I can see the correlation between my relationships and my father. ((((HUGS)))

You're the first person to clearly define how I feel when I'm rejected. It started with my father when I was nine, and I recreated and relived that experience with other males for the next 18 years!

Thank you for sharing your story. You're helping me to understand, let go, and heal. Thank you all ladies.

 

[Minx]

NaTasha,
Keep your head up...as you can see many of us have been there, in one form or another.
I know the release you are feeling right now, just being able to get it off your chest.

Take all the time you need with yourself, you're gonna be alright, we all are!

Blessings,
dk

 

[Minx]

Hey ladies!

There's a poster asking about birthday gifts from her SO.
She only got , I think she said, $6.99 dinner at TGIF, no card, no gift, nothing...... and it was her 30th.

Well, we know "The Rules"about romantic occasions and gifts, can't remember the number right off the top of my head....but the rule says if he doesn't come correct, NEXT!

Should one of us run over there and hip this sister to the game?
I mean "The Rules"?
(We do have to look out for each other, right?)

Blessings,
dk

 

[aribell]

Hey ladies!

Well, we know "The Rules"about romantic occasions and gifts, can't remember the number right off the top of my head....but the rule says if he doesn't come correct, NEXT!

Just out of curiosity, what would a woman say when breaking up with a man because he didn't get her a romantic enough gift for her birthday or Valentine's Day? Seems like it would be really easy to come off as really selfish there.

 

[SunySydeofLyfe]

I am having this moment right now. BIG UPS and WISHES of MUCH SUCCESS to this Atlanta artist Ken J. Martin http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aQtIACQWMPk

I am not ready to talk about it, but I certainly will.....

Do you like the song?

 

[Vinyl]

I miss SO. I decided to start doing The Rules again because I feel as if we spend too much time together on the computer and I want him to call more often. (we are LDR.) But dang I miss him!

 

[yodie]

How do you politely say 'Next' when he's giving you the "I'm just not that into you" treatment, especially if its someone you've loved?

Do you send a text, write a letter or give your ownself closure by not responding to him?

On another note... there's this cute exercise instructor at the park. I'd like to find out more about him. I stopped over & asked about his program & kept it moving. How does a Rules Girl get his attention?

 

[Belle Du Jour]

Hey ladies!

There's a poster asking about birthday gifts from her SO.
She only got , I think she said, $6.99 dinner at TGIF, no card, no gift, nothing...... and it was her 30th.

Well, we know "The Rules"about romantic occasions and gifts, can't remember the number right off the top of my head....but the rule says if he doesn't come correct, NEXT!

Should one of us run over there and hip this sister to the game?
I mean "The Rules"?
(We do have to look out for each other, right?)

Blessings,
dk

Although I don't consider myself materialistic, that screams VOLUMES about how he feels about her/the relationship. Yeah, that would be a "next."

 

[Belle Du Jour]

How do you politely say 'Next' when he's giving you the "I'm just not that into you" treatment, especially if its someone you've loved?

Do you send a text, write a letter or give your ownself closure by not responding to him?

On another note... there's this cute exercise instructor at the park. I'd like to find out more about him. I stopped over & asked about his program & kept it moving. How does a Rules Girl get his attention?

IMO, you could continue to follow the Rules by not calling him, not contacting him, etc. If he follows up to see what's up or ask you out again, you could politely decline. If he's really not into you, he may not even call again. I remember reading somewhere that not every relationship has to have closure in the sense that a man gives it to you. Closure can come from within.

As far as getting a guy's attention using the Rules, I'm no expert. But I would think that asking him a question like you did was a good opening and he should/will take the lead if interested.

 

[Je Ne Sais Quoi]

Women follow your guts!!

Remember mr vacation? Well, we haven't spoken over the phone for about a week and a half (since last monday morning). The only reason we did is because I called him. Over the course of him being out of town he sent me 2 text messages and 1 email. 1 of the text messages said he couldn't wait to see me, the other talked about how he had a dream about me and we shared our 1st kiss (and my wig came off in the dream. No I don't wear a wig ) I didn't respond to the email, and replied back to his text messages with short and basic answers.

Well, he is back in town (I "think" he got back in on Wednesday). Do you think there has been a phone call? NOPE.

I had been telling my bff that something just doesn't seem right about his calling patterns. Well, him not calling me has shown me that he's just not into me. I haven't called him either, i've learned my lesson, and actually i deleted his contact info yesterday.

So, anyway ladies, all this to say follow your instincts. If he really wanted to get to know you he will put in the effort regardless of whatever else he has going on.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

On another note... there's this cute exercise instructor at the park. I'd like to find out more about him. I stopped over & asked about his program & kept it moving. How does a Rules Girl get his attention?

Hey Yodie!

Okay first of all, some may disagree with me, but I don't think "Rules Girls" try to "get" a man's attention. Either they have his attention, or they don't. In fact, he should be trying to get YOUR attention! You have to change your whole mind-set girlie! Because if you don't, you'll end up doing things to TRY to get his attention, which may inevitably cause you to do things to try to impress him, attract him, pursue him, etc. unknowingly. Sometimes mental pursuit is just as bad as physical pursuit. Catch my drift??

So first things first...change your whole outlook and mindset. You have to believe that YOU ARE THE PRIZE! Then you won't be too concerned with trying to impress him/get his attention. "The Rules" is a completely different way of thinking.

Now with that said, you can do things that will fascilitate the chance that he may approach you. When you go to the gym, look fierce! Look your best! It seems like you've already approached him asking him a question, so I think that if he is interested (and single/available), then he will eventually come to you as long as you seem nice, friendly, and approachable. I read somewhere in some book that if you don't think a guy has "noticed" you yet, you are wrong. They say take the time it took for you to notice him, and divide that time in half. Since guys are so visual, he probably noticed you looong before you noticed him. If he's not making a move, it's either because he's taken, you don't seem approachable, or he's just not that interested.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

Women follow your guts!!

Well, he is back in town (I "think" he got back in on Wednesday). Do you think there has been a phone call? NOPE.

I had been telling my bff that something just doesn't seem right about his calling patterns. Well, him not calling me has shown me that he's just not into me. I haven't called him either, i've learned my lesson, and actually i deleted his contact info yesterday.

So, anyway ladies, all this to say follow your instincts. If he really wanted to get to know you he will put in the effort regardless of whatever else he has going on.

Thank you Fabulosity for this. I have to keep this in mind. You know what I've learned so far by doing "The Rules"?? I've learned that if a guy is TRULY interested and available (in other words--not taken, playing the field, or waiting until something "better" comes along ), he WILL make some kind of move. I've also learned that I don't have to really DO anything!

I have another experience I would like to share:

I have another guy "friend" (I'll call him Matt) who I met late last year. He was actually the good friend of another guy friend of mine, and that's how we met. Matt and I clicked almost instantly. The chemistry was there right from the get-go. We had a lot in common, and both loved to laugh and had a goofy sense of humor. Unfortunatly, Matt lives in another state, and was only visiting his friend for like a week. Well, we hung out and did all kinds of fun touristy things while he was in town. Before Matt left to fly back home, we exchanged phone numbers and e-mail addresses.

Ever since last year we've been keeping in touch via phone and (very seldom) through e-mail. Anytime we talk on the phone (which is usually about an hour or two) we have the best conversations! We're laughing, joking, talking about deep stuff and just having a nice normal conversation without any awkward pauses or silences. I'm telling you ladies, if there is such a thing as a "soul mate" this guy would probably be as close to mine as I can get!

But anyway, I've always noticed within the span of our "long-distance" relationship that he has always been quite sporadic with the phone calls! He'll call like once a month, sometimes...once every 2 months, etc. I've NEVER really initiated any calls with him, so I haven't broken the rules in that regard. In fact, before I was even doing "The Rules", I just always felt kind of weird calling him...like I think HE should be the one calling me! Well, lately I've been getting kind of tired of his wishy-washy calling habits, and so I've just decided to view him as a friend who calls every once in a while.

Ever since I started doing "The Rules" about 3 weeks ago, I've been having zero worries. Matt called me about 3 weeks ago, and (due to the rules) I was able to cut the convo short to 25 minutes. That's good considering that we usually talk for an hour+!! I had a valid excuse...I really did have to help my mom with something! Anyway, since then he's been texting me all these forwards, and e-mailing me all these types of forward e-mails. I cannot STAND forwards!!! I used to like them and think they were cute and stuff when I got them from my friends, but now that I'm more busy, and my e-mail has hit the roof, I hate forwards. The same with text messages that are forwards. Ugh...such a waste IMO. I prefer personal e-mails/texts asking: "Hey, how are you doing? How's it going?"

Anyway....since I don't like them, I have just stopped responding to them. The OLD Me would be still responding to silly text and e-mail forwards, just to let the person know that I got them. HA! Not anymore! I just kept ignoring them.

***Well, guess what!?!? This morning I woke up and saw that he called my cell phone last night. I didn't even realize! I was too busy on the computer! He left me a voicemail message, but I haven't even listened to it yet. I told myself I would call him today definitely. But since I'm going to the movies this evening with some friends, I won't be able to talk to him long after work!


Whooo! I'm telling you girls...these "Rules" work!! I'm going easy on him though, because he has always expressed an interest in me. HOWEVER, I said all of this to say...that if a guy isn't calling you often, you should pay attention to that! I'm sure he's casually dating and talking to other girls in his home state. I dont' even mind. It doesn't even phase me. I'm like: "Whatever", because I know I'm casually dating and talking to guys in my state also. I'm having fun living the single life. But at least I have my other life fulfilled and busy so that I'm not bugging him, calling him asking him when he's coming back to my state, etc. No way!

So...I don't know...what should I do ladies? Should I just continue to play it cool & act like we're just "friends" (even though we both know that we kinda like each other), or should I just not respond to his contact anymore? I mean honestly...him calling so sporadically is kind of getting on my nerves! I have to admit though, when I hung up first on him 3 weeks ago, he has called back within 3 weeks. I think that's the shortest length of time he's gone without calling me.

 

[Je Ne Sais Quoi]

I deleted dude's contact info yesterday and he friggin texts me today " Hey Bre, just wanted to say Happy Friday". What the heck?? We haven't really spoken and you text me to say "happy Friday". didn't ask how I was doing, how have you been, I know i've been out of town for over a week but I was hoping to see you, etc, etc, etc. I haven't responded to the message and don't plan to. If he calls I'll let it go to voicemail and may/may not return his call.