Spinny: Why is IR dating so common on LHCF??

[TrueToHair]

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[Honey Bee]

I thought the idea was that there aren't enough of them to go around. That's what I'm reading everywhere. I'm thoroughly confused, lol.

From what I'm reading and from what I've experienced myself in mostly-white dating environments, it appears to be a combination of both, meaning there aren't enough quality guys, and the ones that exist don't seem to want bw. But actually listening to the women themselves, I'm hearing a lot of 'I never wanted a black man anyway,' which leads me to the question, 'Then why are you making it an online tragedy?'

Everyday on this board, there's a thread about bm not making good marriage partners, not being good fathers, unable to support themselves, etc. And the main ones up in there are ladies who claim to have no interest whatsoever in bm.

All I'm saying is, if we subtract the # of bw who never wanted a bm anyway from the larger # of 'quality bw' (however that's defined), I don't think we'd be coming up so short in the black-on-black marriage market.

(Sorry if this is all over the place, pms, painkillers, etc, lol)

 

[NaijaTroll]

I see you answered my question. I agree with you to an extent. The "educated, liberal" population may be more likely to date interracially than the poor conservative. But there are a lot of upper class conservatives who won't be crass about it, but certainly won't be crossing the color line either.

Just read this thread. The irony is I tend to see conservative white males go after black women over liberals. It's odd as hell. The liberals claim to be down with the "swirl" but in realty they dont..kinda like John Mayer

Of course Im going by stuff Ive personally noticed

 

[DirtyJerzeyGirly]

Just read this thread. The irony is I tend to see conservative white males go after black men over liberals. It's odd as hell. The liberals claim to be down with the "swirl" but in realty they dont..kinda like John Mayer

Of course Im going by stuff Ive personally noticed

Plus one. .......................

 

[cherxy777]

I don't like to "out" myself as an interracial dater but meh, I'll bite since yall don't know me. For me personally, I just couldn't find a black man who wanted to settle down with me. That's not to say that all white guys are/were marriage minded and having dated a number of white guys I can never say that white men treated me better. In fact, one of the biggest dogs was white. All that said my current SO appreciates me in every way. He makes me feel like a queen, he tells me I'm his queen and loves me more than I love myself.

I used to wish he was black, but I realized how stupid that was. He loves me for all that I am and I have learned to do the same (pasty skin which burns in the sun and all)

I'm going to tentatively venture to say that on this board, most women are seeking men who want to settle down and with ever decreasing numbers of available black men, women here are exercising their options. Coupled with (what I perceive) the higher educational level of black women here, I think those who do branch out do so because they want to meet their intellectual equal and again because of lack of available black men who meet this criteria, they end up with a non black man.

Off topic slightly, I really hate how I've observed women who date white men seem to love dogging out the brothers, so I really hope this thread doesn't take that direction.

To be honest, im posting because your siggy with the 'pants on the ground' has got me laughing like crazy...that so clever!!!!

 

[cherxy777]

My two (and simple) cents.

You are a product of the society that you were raised in and the people that you associate with. If you grew up in an all diverse area, went to grade school, high school, and college with mostly nb individuals, work with diverse peoples....then you are more likely to be in an IRR. Heed the words 'more likely'. I didn't say 'will most definitely 100% be in'. That is the simple answer right there.

 

[gabulldawg]

Seriously I do wonder how many people are truly keeping it real? Was this elusive choice made for you because things went south with a multitude of black men? It's almost as if well Tyrone doesn't want me so let me see if I can get things on and poppin with Brad. I sincerely want to bet if the majority were approached by a black men who is quality and actually wanted something real aside from the perceived game playing many would be be interested. It's like having a negative perception of something is always going to put you in a negative situation that you would prefer not to be in.

I am getting the same thing. We are >>>here<<<.

and isn't that the same thing that BW complain about WW doing when choosing to date BM?

I really have a problem with anyone who try to justify their choice in mate by putting their own or another race down; its almost as if you are saying well I HAVE to date this person. If its your choice, choose it and shut up about it.

I was wondering if it was just me.

And the resentment leads me to think that for a growing number of BW, BM are there preference but experiences are leading toward the need to explore alternatives because current options just aren't working out.

In my Kumbayaa world I would love to get BM and BW to reach an understanding. Because the harbored resentment and stereotypes, while understandable, isn't helping either side...

Another one I co-sign.

 

[CrissieD]

I don't think it's any more common on LHCF than IRL @ least not in my experience.

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[qchelle]

Hello guys!

I have a question. I keep hearing people say 'my preference will always be BM...even though the majority of BM that I've encountered have treated me like ****' (or something to that effect). Not just in this thread, but threads all over the board. How can that be? That doesn't make any sense to me. Are people just talking about a purely physical preference?

I date IR, I date same R, I date alien R. I date penises and Y chromosomes I grew up around all black people. I dated only black guys. None of them ever treated me especially bad. I went to college and discovered a whole new world of paynus. White and Asian. These men haven't treated me especially bad either. I still date black guys. I like guys

Sent from my WX445 using WX445

 

[Cherokee-n-Black]

Hello guys!

I have a question. I keep hearing people say 'my preference will always be BM...even though the majority of BM that I've encountered have treated me like ****' (or something to that effect). Not just in this thread, but threads all over the board. How can that be? That doesn't make any sense to me. Are people just talking about a purely physical preference?

I date IR, I date same R, I date alien R. I date penises and Y chromosomes I grew up around all black people. I dated only black guys. None of them ever treated me especially bad. I went to college and discovered a whole new world of paynus. White and Asian. These men haven't treated me especially bad either. I still date black guys. I like guys

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qchelle Alright, Jasmine from "Aladdin!" Your life sounds so fun! Your interracial social updates on that other thread were highly entertaining. I felt like I was there!

 

[gabulldawg]

qchelle I haven't seen the majority of BW say that about BM. I have said and will always say that I prefer black men. IR dating ain't my thing and never has been. I've dated two men who both were black. One treated me like ****, one treats me like a queen. I'd never use my experience with one crappy black man to generalize to all black men.

 

[Dposh167]

Seriously I do wonder how many people are truly keeping it real? Was this elusive choice made for you because things went south with a multitude of black men?.

there are women on this board who have openly admitted to this in other threads. Not sure if they'll be straight up about it now...but i do remember reading it.

the thing is....a lot of BM do this same thing. Date out cuz their own didn't want them. Its a common result that a lot of people don't want to openly admit cuz it makes them look like they're settling for whoever wants them.

Big WW do it when WM don't want them...so they date black.
BM do it when BW weren't checking for them...so they date out.
BW do it when BM don't check for them...

(i'm speaking of those who purposely date out as a result of rejection from their own)

...and let me clarify that its not the fact that people date out due to rejection from their own race that bothers some people. Its the fact that some end up putting this stigma on the group that rejected them. Instead of saying..."well BM ain't treat me right, i don't want them now and i ain't checking for them anymore"....what about saying "well i haven't found a BM who treated me right and that's why i'm not with a BM now". (or word it however u want lol). I mean a lot of us been dogged by many men. I've been dogged by men with glasses. Does that mean i gotta stop checking for men with less than a 20/20 vision now. Basically, it just didn't work out with the PARTICULAR men that YOU dated.

 

[qchelle]

qchelle Alright, Jasmine from "Aladdin!" Your life sounds so fun! Your interracial social updates on that other thread were highly entertaining. I felt like I was there!

Lol that was a fun night.

I have to control myself sometimes though. Its challenging

Sent from my WX445 using WX445

 

[qchelle]

qchelle I haven't seen the majority of BW say that about BM. I have said and will always say that I prefer black men. IR dating ain't my thing and never has been. I've dated two men who both were black. One treated me like ****, one treats me like a queen. I'd never use my experience with one crappy black man to generalize to all black men.

No, I haven't heard the majority of BW say that either. Just the ones that have...I don't really get it. 'I prefer them, but they treat me badly'<<huh? I'm talking about the folks who do openly generalize all BM, or semi-generalize...or delude themselves into thinking they're not generalizing when they really are

And I agree with your last statement. Same here.

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[mischka]

What some of you seem to be missing is the simple fact that there's something to be said for being turned off by something. Me personally, I have never been dogged by ANY man, ba-lee dat... But the way black men behave in general and their attitudes toward women, it turns me off. It turns me off so much that I'm eccch yuck on the whole lot of them. And it isn't just black men - I'm this close to being turned off by Hispanic men as well to the point where I wouldn't consider dating them as something I'm seriously interested in either.

It's like this: say I like a special type of fish. But every time I go to buy this fish, it's rotten. Or on the off chance I do manage to find some fresh fish, when I try to cook it it turns out poorly. It has to be cooked just right or it tastes like crap. This is way too finicky a meal to prepare and is it really worth it in the end? Do I keep chasing the idea of making this same meal to my satisfaction or do I say, omg, I'm sick of this damn fish, I'll have pizza instead. Maybe some would keep attempting to get it right, but I'm gonna go for pizza. Maybe one day I'll try my hand again at this delicate meal. But in general it's too much work, and I can't be bothered.

So, I'm a little lost on the concept of black men being poor partners translating into "black men don't want you." Every day I step out of my house several black men "want me." It's what they want me for or what they want to do with me (mutually exclusive concepts) that's the problem. Like I told ol' girl in that "I'm a jumpoff because guys with girlfriends keep approaching me" thread - I refuse to take responsibility for YOU being trifling. You're trifling all on your own and I did nothing to cause or encourage that. This whole "you date interracially bc black men don't want you" is so laughable to me. I'm willing to bet half the black men that the women on this forum are with - hell, let's go ahead and call it 2/3rds - I wouldn't look at twice and yeah, I said it

 

[YasashiiSekai]

I think some people get confused by the word preference. Preference means you would rather have whatever it is you personally would like to have over something else. Some people must think preference means "hell no to everything else".

Naturally, I have preferred Black men because it's just more comfortable being that I am Black. But I never got that confused with thinking I would only date Black men. Yes, a Black man would be nice, but if I find another nice guy who just happened to not be born black, then I'm not gonna deny him.

Having a preference is one thing, but completely disregarding is another.

 

[Raine054]

What some of you seem to be missing is the simple fact that there's something to be said for being turned off by something. Me personally, I have never been dogged by ANY man, ba-lee dat... But the way black men behave in general and their attitudes toward women, it turns me off. It turns me off so much that I'm eccch yuck on the whole lot of them. And it isn't just black men - I'm this close to being turned off by Hispanic men as well to the point where I wouldn't consider dating them as something I'm seriously interested in either.

I'm also a little lost on the concept of black men being poor partners translating into "black men don't want you." Every day I step out of my house several black men "want me." It's what they want me for or what they want to do with me (mutually exclusive concepts) that's the problem. Like I told ol' girl in that "I'm a jumpoff because guys with girlfriends keep approaching me" thread - I refuse to take responsibility for YOU being trifling. You're trifling all on your own and I did nothing to cause or encourage that. This whole "you date interracially bc black men don't want you" is so laughable to me. I'm willing to bet half the black men that the women on this forum are with - hell, let's go ahead and call it 2/3rds - I wouldn't look at twice and yeah, I said it

Well damn.......

 

[mischka]

I think some people get confused by the word preference. Preference means you would rather have whatever it is you personally would like to have over something else. Some people must think preference means "hell no to everything else".

Naturally, I have preferred Black men because it's just more comfortable being that I am Black. But I never got that confused with thinking I would only date Black men. Yes, a Black man would be nice, but if I find another nice guy who just happened to not be born black, then I'm not gonna deny him.

Having a preference is one thing, but completely disregarding is another.

I agree. I guess since I personally am so open about stating why I'm not on the support black men train it appears as if I'm dogging them, or I hate them or I've had bad experiences with them. That isn't the case. It's just that as I've grown older, they are no longer my preference. It made sense for them to be my preference when that was the only environment I was a part of, but that's not the case anymore. In fact, I don't even know if I would call it a preference even then - it was more like a default.

This goes back to the original point of the thread, what is it about this forum in particular where IRD is discussed more baldly. I said in my original post a lot of it had to do with education/career - environment - and politics. I grew up and I don't want this to sound like I know some are going to take it anyway, but in some ways, I outgrew black men. I outgrew black as my default. Some women never had a default, and that's a better perspective to have come from. But for me, I did have that default, and just because I made a conscious choice to choose a preference instead, there isn't any need to ascribe nefarious motivations to that. Additionally, I do think if some women were really honest with themselves and really took a good hard look at things, they might realize their "preference" for black men is really only a "default" as well. I never made a conscious choice to choose black men as my natural partners. That was all I knew, so I went with it. Now that I've seen a bit of the big wide world, I know other things, so I make choices now. Some things make the cut, and some don't. I'm sure that isn't so outlandish that no one can relate to that logic, or that it doesn't make sense.

I think aside from those who date solely ONE race, everyone has a hierarchy in their preferences, and I don't think there's anything wrong with that. For me my preferences have a lot to do with subscribing to a certain mindset. It's easy to confuse that with relating it only to race, the same way people confound poverty with blackness. People with certain outlooks on life are at the bottom of my preference ladder.

As an aside, I also like the insinuation that if you have to discuss the matter, you are uncomfortable with it. It seems to me like that's just a trick to silence people with the opposing viewpoint. I choose my choice, and I like to discuss the reasons why, sorry. It was a growing experience, one that I'm proud of having even, and I don't see anything wrong with discussing how I arrived there. After all, if we'll all remember, that is the original point of this thread.

 

[BeautifulFlower]

I date IR, I date same R, I date alien R. I date penises and Y chromosomes I grew up around all black people. I dated only black guys. None of them ever treated me especially bad. I went to college and discovered a whole new world of paynus. White and Asian. These men haven't treated me especially bad either. I still date black guys. I like guys

qchelle

Because we are soo >>>>>HERE<<<<<

 

[Dommo]

I feel like some people think just because we're Black we HAVE to be with BM. It's a new world and I don't have time to be stuck in that box. If we're fighting for civil rights, I 'll be right there for the cause

All of you who only date BM have more to choose from with some of us not wanting them .

 

[gabulldawg]

What some of you seem to be missing is the simple fact that there's something to be said for being turned off by something. Me personally, I have never been dogged by ANY man, ba-lee dat... But the way black men behave in general and their attitudes toward women, it turns me off. It turns me off so much that I'm eccch yuck on the whole lot of them. And it isn't just black men - I'm this close to being turned off by Hispanic men as well to the point where I wouldn't consider dating them as something I'm seriously interested in either.

It's like this: say I like a special type of fish. But every time I go to buy this fish, it's rotten. Or on the off chance I do manage to find some fresh fish, when I try to cook it it turns out poorly. It has to be cooked just right or it tastes like crap. This is way too finicky a meal to prepare and is it really worth it in the end? Do I keep chasing the idea of making this same meal to my satisfaction or do I say, omg, I'm sick of this damn fish, I'll have pizza instead. Maybe some would keep attempting to get it right, but I'm gonna go for pizza. Maybe one day I'll try my hand again at this delicate meal. But in general it's too much work, and I can't be bothered.

So, I'm a little lost on the concept of black men being poor partners translating into "black men don't want you." Every day I step out of my house several black men "want me." It's what they want me for or what they want to do with me (mutually exclusive concepts) that's the problem. Like I told ol' girl in that "I'm a jumpoff because guys with girlfriends keep approaching me" thread - I refuse to take responsibility for YOU being trifling. You're trifling all on your own and I did nothing to cause or encourage that. This whole "you date interracially bc black men don't want you" is so laughable to me. I'm willing to bet half the black men that the women on this forum are with - hell, let's go ahead and call it 2/3rds - I wouldn't look at twice and yeah, I said it

In terms of the bolded, if that makes you feel better then okay. I'm not the type to believe that there are only a handful of good black men, or that black men only want us for the wrong reasons. I also don't believe it takes rocket science to make it work with a good black man. I always swear I must have been raised in an alternate universe because I have NEVER come to that conclusion! Do I know trifling black men? Yes. But I also know trifling white men, asian men, hispanic men, etc. I do think it's a cop out for a black woman to say that she dates out of her race because the quality of our black men are so poor. Makes me wonder where people are looking or living...

I think some people get confused by the word preference. Preference means you would rather have whatever it is you personally would like to have over something else. Some people must think preference means "hell no to everything else".

Naturally, I have preferred Black men because it's just more comfortable being that I am Black. But I never got that confused with thinking I would only date Black men. Yes, a Black man would be nice, but if I find another nice guy who just happened to not be born black, then I'm not gonna deny him.

Having a preference is one thing, but completely disregarding is another.

Ummm people have flat out said that they have given up on black men, in this thread and others. We are not making this up. A preference is one thing and I can respect a preference. But I can't respect a black woman dogging black men and saying that dating out of our race gives her better chances of finding a good man or a marriage minded/family man, etc. This is what people are saying.

I agree. I guess since I personally am so open about stating why I'm not on the support black men train it appears as if I'm dogging them, or I hate them or I've had bad experiences with them. That isn't the case. It's just that as I've grown older, they are no longer my preference. It made sense for them to be my preference when that was the only environment I was a part of, but that's not the case anymore. In fact, I don't even know if I would call it a preference even then - it was more like a default.

This goes back to the original point of the thread, what is it about this forum in particular where IRD is discussed more baldly. I said in my original post a lot of it had to do with education/career - environment - and politics. I grew up and I don't want this to sound like I know some are going to take it anyway, but in some ways, I outgrew black men. I outgrew black as my default. Some women never had a default, and that's a better perspective to have come from. But for me, I did have that default, and just because I made a conscious choice to choose a preference instead, there isn't any need to ascribe nefarious motivations to that. Additionally, I do think if some women were really honest with themselves and really took a good hard look at things, they might realize their "preference" for black men is really only a "default" as well. I never made a conscious choice to choose black men as my natural partners. That was all I knew, so I went with it. Now that I've seen a bit of the big wide world, I know other things, so I make choices now. Some things make the cut, and some don't. I'm sure that isn't so outlandish that no one can relate to that logic, or that it doesn't make sense.

I think aside from those who date solely ONE race, everyone has a hierarchy in their preferences, and I don't think there's anything wrong with that. For me my preferences have a lot to do with subscribing to a certain mindset. It's easy to confuse that with relating it only to race, the same way people confound poverty with blackness. People with certain outlooks on life are at the bottom of my preference ladder.

As an aside, I also like the insinuation that if you have to discuss the matter, you are uncomfortable with it. It seems to me like that's just a trick to silence people with the opposing viewpoint. I choose my choice, and I like to discuss the reasons why, sorry. It was a growing experience, one that I'm proud of having even, and I don't see anything wrong with discussing how I arrived there. After all, if we'll all remember, that is the original point of this thread.

So the bolded isn't an example of dogging black men? erplexed

 

[GeorginaSparks]

Has this thread gone downhill yet?

 

[BeautifulFlower]

^^^Not yet. Don't worry...it will die in time.

 

[DirtyJerzeyGirly]

I feel like some people think just because we're Black we HAVE to be with BM. It's a new world and I don't have time to be stuck in that box. If we're fighting for civil rights, I 'll be right there for the cause

All of you who only date BM have more to choose from with some of us not wanting them .

..................

 

[TrueToHair]

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[GeorginaSparks]

^^^Not yet. Don't worry...it will die in time.

UGH. They never end well.

 

[Windsy]

I feel like some people think just because we're Black we HAVE to be with BM. It's a new world and I don't have time to be stuck in that box. If we're fighting for civil rights, I 'll be right there for the cause

All of you who only date BM have more to choose from with some of us not wanting them .

Yeah that's a bit concerning...I'm sure the NBM would be there for his cause too...

 

[Windsy]

@gabulldawg - It's always going to be problematic when IR dating is described as some sort of upgrade. It's probably naive not to assume that some people (no one here, of course ) really are viewing it that way. I think I'm with the camp who believe that there are trifling men in every race, but you shouldn't limit yourself either way. Just be prepared for what you might encounter culturally with each person.

I believe mischka feels this way; her posts suggests this...hey it is what it is!

Anyways,

I just want to give a shout out to my BLACK TRINI...

 

[gabulldawg]

The ultimate irony is that the men in these IRRs probably rarely think of it as an upgrade.

 

[Dommo]

Yeah that's a bit concerning...I'm sure the NBM would be there for his cause too...

For someone who posted earlier about having a choice and shutting up about it, WHY are you still commenting? bye